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KeyRed = mistakeGreen = fixed Yellow = could be betterBlue = a better option Purple = spelling INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET The growth in population in cities means that parks should now be used for residential and business purposes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?OriginalRewriteThere is no doubt that cities all around the globe are facing a tough situation to provide housing and business opportunities to its citizens. X I believe converting parks to residential and commercial buildings can solve this situation. Following are the two reason behind my stand. There is no doubt that cities all around the globe are facing a difficult situation to provide housing and business opportunities to their citizens. In fact, believe converting parks to residential and commercial buildings can solve this situation and what follows are the two reasons behind my stand.?You have introduced the topic well (good opening sentence)You have given a clear position ?You have made two agreement errors here:cities = PLURAL = their (not its)two = PLURAL = reasons (not reason)These are very basic grammar errors Pankaj and make a terrible first impression for your GRA score. Are you checking for subject / verb agreement when you finish your essay? I need you to be actively looking for these errors.“tough” is a good word, but it is quite informalTry to use a transition between your sentences if you can (“In fact” is good one to use if you agree)That last “sentence” is not good – “following” is a preposition and doesn’t really make a good subject for a sentence. Also, there is no cohesion between those sentences. You don’t need that final sentence (you could just say “for two reasons”) but if you want to keep it, then use “and what follows are the two reasons behind my stand.”OriginalRewriteOne of the reasons why parks are the best places to expand is their placement in the cities. This is because parks are generally scattered all around the cities. Owing to this, once housing and business projects are completed it becomes easier to integrate these new societies with the existing city. – could you extend this with one more sentence? In contrast, if cities are expanded outwards, additional costs are incurred like setting up transportation, and electrification to integrate X. It is, therefore, cost-effective to convert the parks.One of the reasons why parks are the best places to expand is their placement in X cities. This is because parks are generally scattered all around urban areas. Owing to this, once housing and business projects are completed it becomes easier to integrate these new facilities with the existing city. For instance, residential areas can make use of current metro stations, hospitals and schools, while businesses will be easy for employees to reach. In contrast, if cities are expanded outwards, additional costs are incurred like setting up transportation, and electrification to integrate the new areas. It is, therefore, cost-effective to convert parks.?Your idea here is EXCELLENT, and I think you have argued for it very well too (but we could so with just a little bit more)You have some good lexis:scattered all aroundit becomes easier to integrateadditional costs are incurredsetting up transportation, and electrification?You don’t need to use “the” before plural nouns that talk in generalOne of the reasons why parks are the best places to expand is their placement in the cities.One of the reasons why parks are the best places to expand is their placement in cities. = all citiesThis is because parks are generally scattered all around cities = all citiesAlso, try not repeat nouns in successive sentences if there are good synonyms:cities = urban areas Thank carefully about your word choice: housing and business projects are not “societies” – they are “facilities” However, you didn’t need to use a summary noun here (because I’m not sure that even “facilities” is a good one!) – you could just use “them”Owing to this, once housing and business projects are completed it becomes easier to integrate them with the existing city.You have to integrate “something”if cities are expanded outwards, additional costs are incurred like setting up transportation, and electrification to integrate the new areas.You had a truly excellent argument here – however, your essay is only 253 words long. I feel that you need to get up to around 280 to have ideas that are fully extended. Look at the extra sentence I added here. You seem to always slightly under-extend in your essays. Try to focus on this in your next one. I don’t need dozens more sentences but giving an example that explains your good idea can make a big difference.OriginalRewriteAnother reason is the fact that parks are often unutilized. As people are becoming more involved in their daily routine and work, they do not get time to visit the parks. For this reason, city parks are nothing but just a liability on the authorities. – you have to explain this more. What do you mean here by “liability”? A financial liability? A danger to safety? While many argue that converting these parks will leave no place for children to play. = FRAGMENT The fact is, children nowadays love to play indoor. In addition, housing societies often have its own designated play areas for them, so they do not specifically go to the parks for playing. Another reason is the fact that parks are often under-utilized. As people are becoming more involved in their daily routine and work, they do not get time to visit them. For this reason, city parks are nothing but just a liability on the authorities. What I mean by this is ___________________ While many argue that converting these parks will leave no place for children to play, the fact is children nowadays love to play indoors. In addition, housing societies often have their own designated play areas for them, so they do not specifically go to the parks to play. ?Another great ideaWell done for adding balance?It’s very interesting – you have the same problem of repeating a noun in the 2nd sentence of this paragraph too! Here we don’t need a synonym because we can use referencing.parks = themIn the 1st BP your idea was very clear, but just lacked some further extension (which could be seen as optional). Here, your idea is NOT clear and so definitely needs more explanation:For this reason, city parks are nothing but just a liability on the authorities.What does this mean? “liability” has many meanings, and I can’t really work out here HOW parks are a liability – how can parks be harmful or dangerous to the local council? You absolutely have to explain this.FRAGMENT!!!! Pankaj – please don’t make a mistake like this. Every time you start a sentence with “while”, you must have TWO clauses to finish it (or think of it like this – you have to show both sides of the contrast for it to be complete!)While many argue that converting these parks will leave no place for children to play. = = FRAGMENT (1 clause that starts with a subordinator)While many argue that converting these parks will leave no place for children to play, the fact is children nowadays love to play indoors. = COMPLEX sentence (2 clauses joined by a subordinator)Please do not put a comma after “the fact is” Housing societies = PLURAL = their (Come on Pankaj!!!)OriginalRewriteIn conclusion, not only is it easy to integrate new societies developed in parks, but it is also the best utilization of the available land area. Therefore, I agree with converting parks for housing and business needs.In conclusion, not only is it easy to integrate new societies developed in parks, but it is also the best utilization of the available land. Therefore, I agree with converting parks for housing and business needs.?This is an extremely good conclusion – well doneBand score and comments ???Task response6.0/7.0You have a clear position. You have excellent ideas that are relevant and intelligent. You have balance. What you don’t have is enough extension! You are missing about one sentence in each paragraph – that’s it! In the 1st paragraph it could been seen as option, but in the 2nd BP it was 100% necessary because “liability” can be interpreted in so many different ways! I can see a kind of “structure” to your paragraphs, and it seems that you need this sentence before you add balance or contrast. Maybe you can send me the plan of your essay next time before you write it so that I can check you have enough in there – this is really the ONLY problem here, so once we sort it out, you will be a clear 7.0Coherence & cohesion6.0/7.0This is your other weak area. You have good paragraphing and connection between ideas, but Pankaj there is too much repetition here – in the first paragraph you repeat “cities” in the topic sentence and 2nd sentence. In the 2nd BP, it is parks. You have to either use a synonym or reference.Also, we can improve the cohesion in your introduction (don’t put that final clause in a separate sentence!)Worse though are the two times you referred to a plural noun with “its”!!!! You have to promise me that you will check for this error in every essay you write from now on! It would be a crime to get a 6.0 here for that elementary error!!!!Lexical resource 7.0 / 8.0Like always, you are very strong here – well done. I particularly likes “electrification”Grammar7.0 Again, this is good, but we have some repeated errors:don’t use “the” before plural nouns that talk in generalPLEASE check for those agreement errors (can I give an 8.0 to a student who said “two reason”?)Overall band score6.5/7.0There is always a lot of information to process when you get feedback, so let me simplify this: one more sentence in each paragraph so your ideas are fully extended and no more repetition of words / referring to plural nouns with “it”. Do that, and you will sail to a 7.0.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ................
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