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|Client Name: Jennifer |

|Target School: Columbia University |

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|Essay Question: |

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|What are your short-term and long-term career goals? How will the Columbia Business School MBA help you achieve these goals? |

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|Essay Type: Future Goals / School Fit |

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|Actual Word Count: 791 |

|Target Word Count: 1000 |

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|First Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments: |

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|My diverse professional experience since college has included financial brokerage, commercial banking and defined contribution |

|consulting. My goals have evolved through experiencing in those diverse settings, and my goal now is to obtain my MBA from the |

|Columbia Business School and to join a prestigious finance organization with the eventual goal of owning my own consulting firm.|

|[Comment 1] |

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|In selecting a career I have always been told to figure out what you like to do and then make a career out of it. [Comment 2] |

|Eight years ago, armed with this bit of philosophy, I set out to find out what I like. Before entering college, I came to the |

|realization that my interests lay in business. My courses in business were the ones I always looked forward to, and my business |

|projects and presentations were the most challenging and rewarding of all my undergraduate course work. Upon graduating, I |

|interviewed with, and was offered several enviable positions with well-known firms in New York City. I forewent those offers and|

|decided to join Anderson & Stevens as defined contribution analyst. |

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|As a defined contribution analyst with Anderson & Stevens and The Johnson Companies for the past two and a half years, I have |

|developed a solid foundation in teamwork, analytical and problem solving skills. I work in a group that currently has four |

|members. [Comment 3] The success of the group relies on the extraordinary amount of cooperation from each of us. As a junior |

|member of the team, I am able to contribute to the group in several ways including, managing and accurately completing multiple |

|requests with short turnaround times, gathering and conveying information from client, collecting and calculating data, |

|maintaining databases, and strengthening my own foundation of knowledge to be used as a resource. However, while I am an |

|excellent team player, these experiences provide expansive career opportunities in consulting, I have reached a plateau in |

|developing the analytical and management skills necessary to achieve my goal. |

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|Being a successful leader of an organization, I have to learn all aspects of organization outside of defined contribution such |

|as marketing or system administration. [Comment 4] I have found that I need to overcompensate for my “soft” appearance in order |

|to get my point across. [Comment 5] By attending Columbia Business School, I will gain exposure to both theories and practices |

|in the world’s financial center. I will attain a deeper understanding of management concepts and be able to apply those concepts|

|to real life situations on the job. [Comment 6] I hope to improve my negotiating skills and to gain more experience in getting |

|group members to carry their own weight. At the same time, I do not want to be a tyrant. To be effective, it is important for a |

|manager to maintain the proper balance of power and compassion. Only in this way, will I be able to lead a team of people to |

|realizing the goals of the firm. |

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|Following a successfully completion of my MBA program, I would like to seek a position in a prestigious finance organization. |

|[Comment 7] Because of the excellent preparation of the basics Columbia will have provided me, I will excel among my peer and |

|eventually climb up the corporate ladder. [Comment 8] After excelling in all aspects of the defined contribution, I would like |

|to start with consulting in the area of retirement services and eventually expand my business to other areas of consulting such |

|as actuarial and life insurance. Initially, I would like to concentrate my clients within United States. Eventually, I would |

|like to expand my client base overseas starting with the Asia market where the foundation of the defined contribution is still |

|very weak and unfounded. With my ability to converse in Chinese and my understanding of Chinese and American culture, I will |

|have an advantage to building my business in the Asia market. [Comment 9] |

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|Furthermore, an effective manager in the 21st century must be well-versed in international business. Unfortunately, my desire to|

|gain this broader understanding of the increasingly interdependent global economy remains unsatisfied in my current position. |

|[Comment 10] Columbia Business School is located in the heart of the New York City. The students of Columbia Business School |

|have the advantage of being able to study in one of the top schools in the dynamic and cosmopolitan city where most of the |

|multinational corporations are located. [Comment 11] |

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|My professional experiences thus far have enabled me to gain much confidence in my ability to set very high professional goals |

|because I know I will maintain the personal dedication and hard work necessary in achieving them. I feel that these diverse |

|experiences have prepared me well to receive an education from Columbia just as a MBA from Columbia will undoubtedly help me |

|reach my short-term goal along the line proceeds to that end point. |

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|Content: |

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|Overall, there are three positive aspects to the content of this essay: |

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|You attempt to answer the specific questions asked; |

|Your finance related career goals fit well with Columbia’s finance focus; |

|The international aspects of your future career plans fit well with Columbia’s profile. |

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|However, there are many areas of improvement to be made, including: |

|Your goals, as stated in the first paragraph, are far too vague. It is unclear exactly what your short-term goal of working in a|

|“prestigious financial organization” means. You need to be more specific about the type of career you want to pursue and why you|

|want to do it, and de-emphasize the “prestigious” aspect (it adds nothing). This will also give you an opportunity to |

|differentiate yourself from what is likely to be a large pool of applicants with similar backgrounds; |

|The link between your career goals and how Columbia will help you achieve those goals could be much more compelling. For |

|example, you could mention specific courses at Columbia that will assist you in achieving you career goals; |

|The second and third paragraphs, which discuss your college and work experience, are not really that relevant to the question |

|asked. It seems as though you may have borrowed these from another essay that you’ve written. You could summarize your |

|background experience more concisely, or leave it out altogether and discuss it in another essay (e.g., a “three greatest |

|strengths”-type essay); |

|One potential weakness of your application is your quantitative GMAT score. Even though you have quant-related work experience, |

|you may want to address the need to strengthen your overall quantitative skills (as it relates to your future career goals); |

|Finally, you have not fully utilized your available words (791/1000). This is giving away an opportunity to further sell |

|yourself to the admissions committee. |

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|Content Rating: 2 (out of 5) |

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|Parameters / Structure: |

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|There are many structural improvements that could be made to this essay, including: |

|Several areas of the essay are not concise. For example, the final sentence in the opening paragraph is 41 words long and sounds|

|quite clumsy. It is also repetitive, with the word “goal” mentioned three times. Another example is the final paragraph. The two|

|sentences that make up this paragraph are extremely long-winded and confusing (not to mention full of grammatical errors); |

|The overall structure of the essay does not flow as well as it could. For example, career goals are discussed briefly in the |

|first paragraph, and then in more detail in the fifth paragraph. These could be detailed upfront, followed by a more persuasive |

|set of reasons for why Columbia is the place that will help you achieve those goals; |

|There are also some unusual sentences that do not enhance this essay. For example, the sentence in the fourth paragraph that |

|mentions your need to overcompensate for your “soft” appearance is a mystery. I’m not sure what that sentence means. |

|Additionally, the sentence in the second to last paragraph stating that Columbia is in New York City is pointless. |

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|Parameters / Structure Rating: 2 (out of 5) |

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|Grammar: |

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|This essay is full of grammatical errors and typos that greatly detract from its readability. The following list is not |

|exhaustive, but highlights some of these problems: |

|Paragraph one, first sentence: “have included” refers to the professional experience, which is stated in the singular, but then |

|discussed in the plural. To avoid this confusion, you could simply say “…experience since college includes financial…”; |

|Paragraph two, fourth sentence: “…I always look forward to…” is incorrect as you are talking about the past. You should change |

|this to “…I always looked forward to…”; |

|Paragraph three, fourth sentence: the “the” in the following should be deleted: “…I am able to the contribute…”; |

|Paragraph four, third sentence: I think you mean to say NYC is the “world’s financial center”, not “world’s financial centers”; |

|Paragraph five, fifth sentence: “oversea” should be “overseas”; |

|Paragraph six, second sentence: “increasing” should be “increasingly”. “…at the…” should be “…in my…”; |

|There are many more mistakes throughout the essay. I would strongly encourage you to have some friends proof read for you before|

|the next draft. |

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|Grammar Rating: 1 (out of 5) |

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|Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable): |

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|While the SAR method (“Situation – Action – Result”) is a good method to follow, it is not as appropriate in this type of essay.|

|However, I am generally concerned about the level of specificity throughout this essay. So, in the more outcome-focused essay |

|questions (such as “describe your three greatest achievements”) Make sure that you use this method in those essays. |

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|Reflection on Target School: |

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|With its finance focus, Columbia looks like a good match for you. Since you are interested in entrepreneurship down the road, |

|also take a look at Columbia’s Lang Center for Entrepreneurship, and think about what value you could get out of that program |

|(and what you could add to it, as well!). This could be a good opportunity to demonstrate your sincere interest in Columbia’s |

|program. |

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|Reflection on Background: |

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|You have a fairly standard looking background, which is not that helpful. While I have no doubt that you are talented and |

|capable of earning your MBA at a top school, you will need to focus on differentiating yourself to be seriously considered for |

|admission. There is not any aspect of your background information that reveals how you are unique, so you need to draw this out |

|in your essays. |

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|In addition, your weak quantitative GMAT score is a potential problem. If you can afford the time, I would encourage you to |

|retake the GMAT and aim for a much higher quantitative score. If you don t have time, I would encourage you to proactively |

|address it somewhere in your application and provide a reason for the score. You clearly have a quantitative background, so you |

|needs to emphasize your comfort with numbers in other parts of your application (e.g., ask a recommender to specifically |

|highlight this as a strength). Good luck! |

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|  Rating Descriptions |

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|Category |

|Rating |

|Description |

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|Content |

|4-5 |

|The essay adequately answers all elements of the essay and utilizes a fitting experience / example for the question at hand. |

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|3 |

|The essay does not completely address the essay and / or the experience / example used is not compelling. |

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|1-2 |

|The essay fails to adequately answer a critical portion of the essay and does not use a fitting experience / example for the |

|question at hand. |

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|Grammar |

|4-5 |

|The essay has minimal grammar flaws, including syntax, sentence structure and use of idioms. |

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|3 |

|The essay exhibits grammar flaws that should be addressed, but do not affect “readability”. |

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|1-2 |

|The essay exhibits grammar flaws that detract from the essay and do affect “readability”. |

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|Structure |

|4-5 |

|The essay flows well, is concise and meets the word limit criterion. |

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|3 |

|The essay surpasses the word limit by a noticeable margin and the essay would benefit from structural improvement. |

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|1-2 |

|The essay is difficult to follow and the main points of the essay are difficult to extract. |

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