Disclaimer
Disclaimer.
I wonder why I bother, nobody reads disclaimers anyways.
Why? Because they are BORING!
Buuuuuut ok here goes. I do NOT own the following characters.
Sevvie (belongs to JKR)
Oprah (Belongs to... ehm... well Oprah!)
Dr Phil (Belongs to.. Well nobody knows.)
Niche and Uni (Belongs to Niche and Uni, I abuse their nicks for my own sick stories Bwahahahaha!)
BUT MR SOCKPUPPET IS MINE YOU HEAR!? MIIIINE!!!!
If you want to read the product of a lunatic who had too much time on her hands.. then read on.
BUT BEWARE! For if you do.. You are about to enter the zone... where normal things don’t happen... very often... (yes I stole that from Johnny Bravo WHOM I ALSO DONT OWN.)
Man I hate disclaimers *rolls eyes*
For those of you who do not understand the story, its written in IRC style. IRC (internet Relay Chat, I DONT OWN THAT EITHER!!! Well, sort of) is a chat programme aaand-.. Ah sod it. Go take a look and see for yourself!
No smile, money back.
...Well it’s free... but still.
...ehm..
....why are you still reading this?
......Oi! Go on! Go! Sod off! You are making me nervous!
....I mean it!
GO AWAY!
*moan* Please.. PLEASE just go to the next chapter, you are wasting your time here!!!
Piss off!!
========= Chapter 1, SEVVIE! ========
*** Snape is on irc
*** Snape joined #Slytherin
...
Holly is that you?
No, but we registered that nickname though...
Hello.
Hello. Say eh, Holly and I registered that nick, could you change it please?
...But its my name.
Just type /nick SomethingElse
*** Snape is now known as SomethingElse
LOL
hehehe
What is so amusing?
Oh nothing.
So! Who be ye?
Excuse me?
Who be ye!
That’s slang for who are you.
Ah. Well I am Severus Snape.
...riiiiiight.
* DCC SomethingElse sends Holly Me.jpg
* Holly checks
HELLO, is this a webcam shot?
What?
He sent me a self pic! Gods he IS Snape!
* DCC Holly sends Niche Me.jpg
*DROOLS* Omg!
And if its just a photoshop manipulated pic, he is friggin drool- able!
Photoshop?
Yeah.... *melt!*
What is Photoshop?
So you’re the real Sevvie?
Sevvie?
MARRY ME!
Did you say... Sevvie!?
LOL your already married Eenhoorn! Me on the other hand... *winkwinkwinkflutterseyelashes*
Sevvie.
Well its not against the law to be married to 2 guys. Marry me!!!!
Sevvie... I am slightly disturbed.
Well Niche, actually it IS illegal.
Oh shut up mushroom.
Silly persons.
So, what brings you on irc?
I’m in a muggle home.
Grrrr not a female muggle right!?!? *glare*
I’m not quite sure of the gender.
...Ok I changed my mind, I don’t wanna know.
Fine.
So sweetypie, when was this pic taken hmmm?
Sweetypie?
LoL!
He looks yummm on the pic don’t he!
* Niche glomps SomethingElse
Did she just call me sweetypie!?
heh, yah
So when was the pic taken!
10 minutes ago before the muggle.. eh.. Had to.. go.
Oooooooh nice!
Excuse me? Go? Go where?
You look sooooo... sooo...
Greasy
Handsome!
Scary
Adorable!
Morbide
Happy!
...
* Niche grins innocently
I’ll send you a pic of myself.
* DCC Niche sends SomethingElse Bad.jpg
GOOD GOD!
...Nich what did you send him!?
GOOD... GOD!!
*smirkie*
Oi! Eenhoorn! What did you send!
GOD!
So, how was work today Sevvie?
gllgh... pt.. fl...
Is that a language?
No idea.
Good... GOD!
Religious kinda guy no?
* DCC Holly sends SomethingElse Ear.jpg
EWW! ..what is this?
It’s a close up of my right ear!
LOL!
You two are mentally deranged you know that!?
Yup! And proud of it!
So will you marry me?
No.
And me?
NO!
My sister then!
* DCC Holly sends SomethingElse SisInBikini.jpg
NO!!
dang
You two freak me out!
Does that mean you like us?
ARGH!
I also have a pic of my left ear, wanna see?
NO!!
*** SomethingElse has quit irc (quit: Freaks!)
...
...
Was it something I said?
Probably.
Hey!
========= Chapter 2, The RPG ========
[pic]*** SomethingElse is on irc
*** SomethingElse joined #Slytherin
SEVVIE! Honeymunchiesweetypie! *GLOMPS*
Hellooooo Sevvie!
I would prefer: Professor Snape thankyouverymuch. I didn’t take a 10 part “how to become a potionsmaster” course just to be called “Sevvie”.
Ooooohhh, looks like SOMEONE here got out of the wrong side of the bed!
Look I TOLD you I was sorry for the trojan horse.
I was talking about Sevvi-... What trojan horse?
...
heh, never mind.
So Sevvs, what brings you back here?
I found your behaviour strangely interesting.
Oooooh he likes us!
Woohoo!
And I started writing a book about about “Deranged muggle girls who think they are witches just because they read jkr books.”
Oh how nice!
Lovely!
So i’m here to observe you two for a while.
Ooooooh observe! I have a webcam you know!
Me toooo!
Have him log in to buddyphone, you can do group video chats there.
No thank you.
Dang.
Oh. Fine.
Soooo...
Hm.
>>> Time reminder. It is now [19.00]
>>> Current minimal lag: 1 sec.
>>> Time reminder. It is now [20.00]
eh... hello?
hm?
Why is Sevvie not talking?
I was analysing your chatting behaviour. Please act as though i'm not here.
o...kay...
>>> Time reminder. It is now [21.00]
So.. shall we roleplay a bit Nich?
Sure! Sevvie can watch! Come along Sevvs, we are off to #TLS18346.
* Niche has left #Slytherin
* Holly has left #slytherin
Something tells me this is not going to end well.
* SomethingElse has left #Slytherin
*** Niche has joined #TLS18346
*** Holly has joined #TLS18346
*** SomethingElse has joined #TLS18346
Let me login Snape.
Excuse me?
We often play double parts.
*** Snape has joined #TLS18346
There. It’s me, Holly
...Whats this about?
We roleplay a lot. You’re in our story too, usually Holls plays you. Lets start!
ok! Aaaaaaand Action!!
I... don’t quite follow...
* Niche is still sleeping in Snape’s arms.
I beg your pardon??
* Snape wakes up early and smiles at Niche, gently kissing her jawline.
...I BEG your pardon!?!?
Shh!
* Niche wakes up and smiles at Snape
Hello dear. Did you sleep well?
Not quite... Still the memory of Wassalissa haunts me in my dreams.
Wassawho!?
Shh! Your deceased wife! Volders killed her.
I was never married! And “Volders”!?!?
Will you clam it! *grunt*
I think my book will turn out very interesting.
Shh!! Lets get on with it.
* Niche caresses Snape’s hair.
I know it’s hard hon, but you have to move on.
I know. I know... Well then. *stands up* Time for class. See you there sweety.
“sweety?” I don’t even know you!
Hush!
Bye honey. *gets up*
* Niche meets Holly in the dining room. They watch as Snape goes to sit on his usual seat on the teachers’ table.
(AT the teachers table)
(Whatever!)
...
*whispers to Holly* your uncle and I had a wonderful night together.
Thank God i’m fictionous.
Will you stop spoiling our rpg!
What?
Yeah! Your supposed to be dreamy and cute and stuff so be a nice Sevvie and SHUT UP!
...
...
heh... sorry.
I think i’ll go now. I heard more than I wanted.
but I got another pic for you!
DONT send it!
* DCC Niche sends SomethingElse VERYbad.jpg
...is that anatomically possible?
What did you send!
*smirk*
I think i’m gonna be sick...
What did you seeeend! Tell tell tell!!!
*** SomethingElse has quit irc (quit: I need a bucket)
He’ll be back the moment he finds out the picture should be seen upside down.
What did you send! TELL ME!
*smirk*
========= Chapter 3, Be yourself! ========
*** SomethingElse is on irc
*** SomethingElse has joined #TLS18346
What do you mean I got an F! The potion was blue!!
Silence miss Eenhoorn!
*hick*
Detention!!!
Yay!
*glare*
I mean.. bugger.
What’s this?
(when you are not rpg-ing, please talk within ()
(What’s this?)
(We are role playing potionsclass. Holly is Snape)
(Fine. Lets see it then.)
* Snape paces around the room, robes billowing behind him.
(My robes don’t “billow”)
* Snape stands in front of the class and glares at the students.
Shut up you miserable little brats! Go clean your kettles and get out of my class!
(Oh come on! I’m not like that you miserable little brats! I’m not like that at all!)
*sings* I got deteeention, I got deteeeention *grin*
Do behave Nich, i’ll wait for you in the dorms.
Ok.
* Holly walks out and closes the door
So. Miss Eenhoorn. Yet again you can’t control your backtalk.
* Snape stands behind Niche and puts his hands on her shoulders.
(No physical contact is allowed in detentions!)
(Lighten up Sevvie, its just an rpg.)
(the way you play me is ridiculous!!)
(YOU do it then.)
* Snape leaves #TLS18346
(go ahead, take the nick Snape.)
(excuse me?)
(Type /nick Snape and play yourself!)
*** SomethingElse is now known as Snape
(What do I do?)
(Well you just gave Niche detention. Though she is Voldies daughter, and a pain in the ass, you love her. It must be a secret to the rest of the school though.)
(Why exactly am I doing this?)
(So your book on deranged muggles will be more interesting.)
(Oh yes.)
(come on, get on with the story!)
* Niche looks up at Snape and smiles a bit.
So... what will my detention be? ..professor? *smirk*
(eh...)
(Say something! Come on, be yourself!)
Well. You are to scrape out these kettles.
Excuse me!?
When you’re done; disembowel those rats.
...
Then you will clean the floor of the owlery with your toothbrush.
Eh... Sev?
What.
How about we kiss passionately and do unmentionable things instead? *smirkie*
How about we don’t.
(HAHAHAHAHAHA)
(Shut up mushroom!)
(ROTFL! HAHAHAHAHA)
(May I ask whats so funny?)
(Nothing hon, Holly is just having one of her.. attacks again.)
(LOLOLOLOL!!!!!)
(ah.)
* Niche grumbles and gets to work.
Why are you so mean...
Because I think your an odd muggle who sends me weird pictures.
* DCC Niche sends Snape MexicanBadWords.wav
...Pendejo?
Don’t ask.
Shall we continue the story?
No. He plays a lousy Snape.
Excuse me?
Could you change your nick again please.
...
Type /nick Nickname
* Snape is now known as Nickname
I SO saw that coming.
Well I think I played a perfect me.
Face it Sevvie, you sucked.
A bit more respect here if you please!
Oooooooh someone is touchyyyy
I’m NOT hung over!
...
What?
eh... Never mind.
*** Snape has left irc (quit: Connection reset by peer)
Ok, I must admit I didn’t see THAT coming.
I bet even Trelawny didn’t see that coming Nich.
Peer means pear in Dutch. Can you imagine a pear disconnecting him?
Where you drunk yesterday?
A bit. Did you notice in our rpg session?
Yes well, I found it a bit odd the way you described Voldie. Prancing around in a tutu singing puff the magic dragon.
I said that!?
========= Chapter 4, Video chat? ========
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #TLS18346
Welcome back!
wb!
I got disconnected.
Yah, we saw.
We had just finished our rpg session for today.
Oh, I missed it? To bad.
You missed the best part! Gods those DETAILS yummm!
Nich, control yourself.
Yummm?
I don’t think I want to know. Now Niche, about these pictures of yours.
I wanna see! I wanna see!
You liked them?
Actually I found them quite disturbing.
LEMME SEE! Send! Send!!! Sned!!
Sned?
*Send. Typo.
Sned is actually an existing word.
Is it?
Yes. It’s a lethifold spleen.
Lethifolds have spleens?
What’s a spleen?
So what is so disturbing about the pictures?
What can I say. I dislike pink fluffy bunny shaped slippers.
What’s a spleen?
Oh, then check this one.
* DCC Niche sends Nickname Bunnyhop.gif
…
Well?
Blue… fluffy bunny shaped slippers.
C’mon you guys lemme see!
And it moves!?
heh, yah it’s a .gif file. Ye like?
I’d best not comment.
But at least this picture is less disturbing than the others.
LEMME SEE!
Why’s that?
You’re wearing clothes on this one.
…
Eh… I was wearing them on the others too!
Only socks don’t count.
Forget it, I DON’T wanna see.
hehehehe
I do hope you are finished sending me pictures now.
Well there is 1 more..
NO!
NO!
Ok, ok. Sheesh!
So Sevvie, tell us a bit about yourself!
Yeah! How are you in bed!
Niche!
Usually asleep.
Are the rumours true?
What rumours.
About you and McG!
That you and her have something going on!
Mc…G?
McGonnagall.
I don’t quite follow.
Do you have sex with her or not!
Very subtle Nich.
I find that idea rather repulsive.
Is that a yes?
That is an obvious no!
Phew!
I don’t have time for such idiocy.
Sevvy can I ask you something?
You just did.
Can I ask you something else?
If you must.
Are you a virgin?
No I’m a Capricorn actually.
hehehehe
Well are you?
I believe that is none of your business.
Omg! He’s avoiding the question! That means he is!
How is that possible!!! He is such a yumm droolable total HUNK!
Droolable?
Poor Sevvie! Lets meet!
Na-ah Eenhoorn! Your married!
Well eh… hubby can come along!
That’s sick!
Droolable??
Ok ok lets not meet.
Go hug and kiss hubby NOW Nich! That’s an order!
Droolable. Ah.
I just did, he asked me how many beers I had.
What kind of word is droolable!
So how about video chat!
No thank you.
Oh come ooooooon please? Please? Please? *puppy eyes*
I’d rather not.
Fine. We wont co-operate in your book then.
Yeah.
Oh…
What do I have to do?
go to and download the video chat thing!
Mwahahahaha
>>> Time reminder. It is now [22.00]
Ok I got it. Now what.
I’ll make a multivideo room. I’ll invite you both when I’m done.
Ok Holls.
So you are a virgin?
Like I said, that is none of your business!
Did you get the invite?
Yes I’m there. I can see you, hiiiii Hollyyyy!
Yeah I see you too, oh there’s Sevvie!! GODS you look handsome!
You can see me?
Oh yeahhhh!
NICHE stop doing that!! Remember I can see you too!
Heh, sorry Holls. So why don’t we have audio?
Beats me.
Does Niche have something in her eye?
No Sevvs, it’s called “fluttering of eyelashes”
I see. It’s slightly annoying.
My my, its so warm in here!
You told me you where always freezing! And it’s snowing outside!
.. Yes. Well. I still think its warm. I’ll get rid of my sweater.
Nonono keep it on!
Oh nice t-shirt Nich!! Is that Scar?
Yep! Look!
Does she HAVE to be so close to the camera?
Very nice t-shirt Nich!
pfff… I’m STILL warm. Aren’t you tired Holls?
Excuse me?
Isn’t it bedtime for you? Phewwww i’m boiling hot!
Well no, its saturday.
Scram! Piss off! Get out! Go away! Leave us!
I get this odd feeling I’m not wanted here.
Yes well, it’s bedtime for me so I’d better go.
You bet it’s bedtime for you Sevvie *wink*
Niche will you cut it out!
eh well. I will go now. Bye!
*** Nickname has quit irc (quit: My my, I’m so sleepy all of a sudden)
Oh no you do-.. Damn! Don’t you just HATE it when they leave without giving you a chance to say goodbye!
Niche, you look a bit blue.
Yes well. I’m a bit sad he had to go already.
No, I mean really blue. Is that an icicle dangling on your nose?
I’m not cold.
Ah. Is that snow in your hair?
Dandruff.
Your husband didn’t fix the hole in the roof yet, did he.
He did!
Sure Nich.
========= Chapter 5, The fight ========
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Niiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccchhhhhhheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Hhhhoooollllllllllllyyyyyyyyy!!!
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #slytherin
Sevvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Seeeeeeeevvvviiieeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
...Why the unnecessary stretching of vowels?
We be just pleased to see ye!
Yeah!
Ah. Right. By the way Holly, how about some grammar lessons?
Say, didn’t you sleep well last night or something? Moooody...
Poor guy... He NEEDS to get lai-.. eh... Drink some hot cocoa and read a good book before going to bed.
I despise hot cocoa.
So how’s your book about deranged muggles coming along Sevvie?
I do wish you would stop calling me Sevvie.
Sorry Sevvie.
*snickers*
har har
So what are you going to put in your book?
I will copy a bit.
Yay!
“Deranged muggle girls who think they are witches just because they read jkr books.” By Severus Snape.
By the damn sexy Severus Snape.
Who has a rather large nose *snicker snicker snicker*
*snicker snicker snicker*
Whats so funny about it, I was born that way!
Sorry Sev, inside joke.
hehehehehehehehehehehehe
Do you want me to continue or not?
hehehehe sorry, please continue.
Fine.
“The last couple of days I have studied 2 random muggles in their natural environment. Though they are not to clever, it has been quite interesting.”
Not clever!? Oi, I resent that!
Shh!
“I have discovered something muggles call internet. A rather useless way of killing time is to “chat” on something called: IRC. Idiotic Rambling Conversations.”
Ahem!? Internet Relay Chat.
Shh! Mushroom!
*grunt*
“The two muggles call themselves Niche and Holly, or Eenhoorn and Mushroom. I wonder what their parents where thinking when they named these odd girls. In fact I don’t think I want to know. After all, if their offspring is this peculiar, their parents must be worse.”
Sevvie, stop insulting my parents!
Well he’s got a point...
Yeah but your parents are Mexican, that doesn’t count.
Oh shut up cheesehead! YOUR parents are the odd ones!
If I may continue?
My parents are VERY normal thank you!
Your stephdad has a habit of burping as loud as he can at the dinner table and your mother calls me a Russian spy, that doesn’t sound very normal to me Toadstool!
Well... Your parents are Mexican!
Can I continue?
Might I remind you of the fact that your mother once sprayed the entire supermarket with whipped cream!?
Well... Your parents are Mexican!!!
Hello?
And that you and your mother almost got kicked out of the museum twice for pretending to be part of the modern art in it!?
Oh yeah!? Well... YOUR parents are Mexican!!
Is that the worst ‘insult’ you can come up with?
I think i’m a bit ignored here.
Eh... Well they are also tiny!
Ok THATS it!!!
Girls?
What are you gonna do, ping me!? Psh!
* DCC Niche sends Holly AbsolutelyNOTaVirus.exe.png
What are you sending me?
Oh nothing.
I’ll just.. go then? Leave you two alone?
Why is my pc clock counting down?
Don’t you DARE to leave potion boy!
I beg your pardon?
...ddo si sihT
?sdrawkcab gniklat I ma yhW
Potion boy. Psh!
*** Holly has quit irc (quit: formatting c:\)
*smirk*
So now it’s just you and me?
Yeppers!
I’m starting to feel slightly uncomfortable...
Anyway, my book is coming along nicely. You two will be obliviated ofcourse.
How?
* DCC Nickname sends Niche Obliviate.mov
Eh... I don’t think it will work this way Sevvy.
Did you open it?
Yes.
And it didn’t work?
Not really.
You’ll have to come over and do it yourself *SMIRK*
Fine, I will disapparate.
*** Nickname has left irc (quit: On my way.)
yay!
>>> Time reminder. It is now [15.00]
>>> Time reminder. It is now [16.00]
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #Slytherin
Heh... Sorry about that hon... How’s your eye?
Black, and painful.
Yes heh.. well I didn’t think husband would object if a tall, dark, handsome stranger would appear from out of nowhere to ‘put a spell on me’... Sorry.
I’m going to pomfreys. I don’t think my leg is supposed to bend this way.
Sorry!!
*** Nickname has left irc (quit: Next time make sure your husband is not around armed with a large baseball bat.)
========= Chapter 6, This story is going to the dogs…========
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
GRRRRR
*innocent smile*
Niche guess what!!! Grrrrrrrrr
What?
Somebody sent me a virus!
No!! Really!?!?
Yes! Grrrrrrrrrr
So all is ok now?
Yeah but I lost all my cool files and all *sob*
Oh, also those hideous photoshop manipulated pictures you made of me?
Yeah! Say, do you still have those?
Nope, sorry. Threw them away just yesterday.
Dang... Guess those pictures are lost forever...
Guess so.
Say... Where is Sevvie?
He.. had a little accident.
Accident? What kind of accident?
Oh he eh... he walked into my husband’s baseball bat.
He... walked into... a baseball bat. Ah...
Yup. Face first.
o...kay...
And he broke his leg.
Lemme guess. He accidentally got his leg trapped between your husband’s hands and knee?
Exactly.
O...kaaaay...
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #slytherin
Sevvieeeeeee!
How are you dear?
Don’t ask.
Too late, she just did! Hahahahahah!
...
...
Ok ok corny joke. I admit it.
Did Pomfrey cure you?
As well as she could.
So lemme get this straight. You went to Niche and got beat up by her husband?
I walked into his baseball bat and caught my foot between his hands and knee.
Whatever. Why did you go there in the 1st place?
I had to obliviate her.
Heheheh
...Oh I see... Didn’t work then?
Which reminds me, I still have to obliviate you too.
....Ehh... Nonono that’s unnecessary... Y..you see umm... I am VERY forgetful. I have a TERRIBLE memory.
Yet she can’t forget the kitchen knife incident.
It was a damn attempt of murder Eenhoorn!!! .. I mean eh.. what kitchen knife?
What is she talking about?
She came to visit me once. I was looking at the computer while she was chatting, holding a kitchen knife because I was also preparing food.
She tried to kill me!!!
Understandable...
And it wasn’t a kitchen knife, it was a damn samurai sword I tells you!
*sigh* There she goes again.
Well no matter how forgetful you are Holly, I will have to obliviate you anyway.
But but but but
*** Nickname has quit irc (quit: Disapparating)
Uhoh... he be on his way here right?
That’s right.
Shit I forgot to warn him about the-... Here he is! I have to save him! Brb!!!!
o....kay.
>>> Time reminder. It is now [17.00]
You’re sure taking a long time Toadstool.
Sorry, i’m here.
And Snapey?
He went to Pomfrey I think...
...TOADSTOOL WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SEVVIE!!!!
I did nothing I swear!!! I tried to save him!!
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #slytherin
That was fast...
Sevvie, what happened! Are you ok!?
I just has the displeasure of meeting Holly’s charming dogs.
Gods...
Well actually I find them quite annoying...
Are you ok!?
Not quite.
Yeah well... they are not exactly poodles...
Did you get a rabies shot?
Shot!? You wanna kill HIM now?? Gods you ARE murderous!
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
I am now putting some ointment on the worst wounds, I plan on going to Pomfrey again in a little while.
Start the video chat thingy, let me see the damage.
Very well. Maybe if you see me like this you will stop drooling and stop asking about my virginity for a while.
So... Are you a virgin?
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
Ok I see you. Aiii that doesn’t look good!
I know.
Why are you standing?
Please don’t ask.
Come on, what’s wrong? Why can’t you sit down?
Well... Ok i’ll show you.
HELLO!!!
Wait, i’ll login too.
DONT you dare Mushroom!
ok ok I won’t...
There. Now you know why I cant sit down. Courtesy of Holly’s dogs.
I didn’t see to well, could you show me again? Please? Please?
No. I am going to Pomfrey.
*** Nickname has quit irc. (quit: Ouch)
but you have such a nice as-... Dang. He is already gone...
He didn’t look too well.. Did he... Stupid dogs grrrr
Oh I dunno. Thanks to your dogs I saw a whole new side of Snapey. Mwahahahaha!
Do I want to know?
Adult stuff Holly. You wouldn’t understand.
Ohhh... So he had a nice ass? Is that it?
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up!
========= Chapter 7, Enter witty chapter title here ========
*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #slytherin
Hi Sevvie!
Hi Sevvie!
Stop calling me Sevvie! I find it very degrading, annoying and most of all, annoying.
You said annoying twice...
Imagine how annoying I find it.
How is your... eh... leg!
In plaster.
And your face?
In plaster.
And your eh... what you showed me?
Guess.
Ah...
Ok... Well umm... I’m sorry about the dogs...
I have 2 words to say about your dogs.
DONT insult her cute wittle doggywoggies Sev!
Oh go right ahead. I hate them anyways.
I am hungry.
Oooooh can I feed you??
DONT YOU DARE COME NEAR ME!
Ok ok sheesh...
You seriously need counselling.
...
Hahahahahahaha
And you seriously need a straightjacket.
...
Hehehe
So you’re covered in plaster?
Exactly.
Poor Sevvie!!! Lemme see!
I refuse to put the webcam on.
Pleaeaeaease? We’ll help you on your book! *puppy eyes*
No.
How is your book going by the way?
I changed the title.
...to?
“The day when I decided to re-join the Dark Lord so I can destroy 2 certain muggle girls and get away with it.”
Naah, not really a catchy title...
Can you copy paste some more of the stuff you wrote?
Very well.
Yay!
“Today I discovered these muggle girls are nothing short of life threatening and dangerous. One of them is married and her husband can be compared to the mountain troll who once stalked into Hogwarts. Including the large club.”
I’m starting to dislike you a bit Sevvie.
“The other girl owns 2 dogs. Though they have only 1 head each, they remind me of Hagrid’s 3 headed dog Fluffy.”
Couldn’t agree with you more.
Sevvie, are you a virgin?
Stop asking me that!
Don’t mind her Sevvie, go on.
Fine.
“I don’t know what caused it, but the 2 muggles have the compulsory need of calling me ‘Sevvie’. Quite annoying, but nothing a good crucio can not handle.“
I sense some hostility here...
Do you think he dislikes us?
Whatever gave you that crazy idea.
He loves us! Don’t you Sevvie!!
Oh yes. And I forgive you for the fact that every bone in my body is broken and every bit of flesh is either bruised or chewed on. Furthermore i’d like to point out that you are not annoying at all, and that I adore the nickname “Sevvie”.
See?
That was sarcasm by the way.
Oh...
Don’t you like us... just a little bit?
No.
Little wittle tiny bit?
No.
Teensy weensie tiny tiny bit?
No.
* Niche sends Nickname HelloNurse.jpg
Not at all?
...
What did you send him this time?
...
Oh. Nothing. So... like me any better now Sevvie? *smirk*
...
Sevvie?
...
Send it to meeeeee! SEND SEND SEND SEND!
Nooo.
...
COME ON! SEND!!!!
*grunt* Fine.
* Niche sends Holly HelloNurse.jpg
there.
...
...
Eh... hello?
...
...
Well... Maybe you’re not that bad...
Not that bad!?!? Good GOD! This is disgusting!!!
Well you insisted on having it.
Didn’t it hurt?
Looks painful all right, EWWW! Yuck! This is the LAST thing I wanted to see of you Nich!
Geez, its only my appendix operation!
*** Holly has left irc. (quit: *barf*)
Well.
Yup.
Yeah.
hm...
Uhuh.
Sevvie?
Hmm?
Are you a virgin?
AAAAARGH!!!
========= Chapter 8, Trelawny’s secret ========
Sooooo now that we are alone, can I ask you a few questions Sevvie?
Depends.
First of all could you change your nick. This looks rather silly.
To what?
To anything but this.
*** Nickname is now known as AnythingButThis
...eh not exactly what I meant...
What!
Never mind.
So! Did you ever have a girlfriend?
Yes I did actually.
But not anymore?
Eh.. No. She died.
Oh... sorry to hear that... How did she die?
Rabies.
...Rabies?
o...kay... what was her name?
Foofoo.
...French?
Yes. With curly hair and a shaven belly.
...Sevvie, was she human?
No. A poodle.
Your... girlfriend was a poodle with rabies. Ah...
Anything else?
Yes. Do you have a girlfriend now?
No, and not looking.
Grr
Are you a virgin?
Stop asking me that!
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Were all those iiiii’s absolutely necessary?
Well well! Got a new nickname Sevvie?
Stop calling me “Sevvie”.
Holly! I was in the middle of a rather... private... interrogation!
Oh well, don’t let me stop you!
*grunt* I can’t do it now your here. Idiot mushroomhead.
I feel slightly hated.
Welcome to the club.
Awwww Sevvie! We don’t hate you!
No, we think your cute!
I was not talking about you. I was talking about professor Trelawny. She hated me ever since our first and last date.
OMG, you dated her!?
Poor guy! Why!
Lost a bet. She already knew the outcome of the flobberworm races.
Flobberworm races!?
No horses in Hogwarts.
Ah...
So what happened?
I took her to a restaurant. All went pretty well apart from the fact my escargots where still moving.
Ewww!
Then she started fluttering her eyelashes and asking me odd questions like: What are your hobbies.
What’s so odd about that?
You obviously don’t know my hobbies.
Care to share?
NO!
ooooo touchy subject ;)
Go on Sevvie, then what happened?
Please stop calling me “Sevvie”. Anyway, after a few wines she started massaging my knee under the table.
Ohh! Trelawny did that!?
Yes. But I have a spastic knee. Whenever somebody touches it, my leg stretches rapidly. She didn’t see that coming.
I always knew she was a fraud.
That’s when I found out her most horrible deepest darkest secret.
Oh? Do tell!!
The high-toned squeal gave her away after I accidentally kicked her in a spot i’d rather not mention.
NO!
huh?
Are you serious!?
I don’t get it...
Her real name is Terrence.
GODS!
Isn’t that a guy’s name?
Well to make a long story short, she wants my head on a stick. Preferably a very spiky one.
*shudder*
Hey... waaaaait a minute...
What is it?
Are you telling me... Trelawny is a MAN!?
I bet your brain has been working overtime to conclude that.
Is that a yes?
Yes, Holly.
GODS!!!
So that explains the wardrobe..
Exactly.
I think your pulling my leg here. You’ll say Lockheart is gay next.
Well...
He IS!?!?
Eh... I have reasons to believe he is.
How do you know!
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc. (quit: I just remembered I have an important meeting at the hairdressers)
...
...
Do you think he was avoiding the question?
I’m starting to question his virginity...
huh? I don’t get it..
Don’t bother.
========= Chapter 11, The VCR ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis joined #slytherin
WB Sevvie!
Hi Sevvie!
Please do not call me Sevvie! Is that really too much to ask?!
Oooooh isn’t he moody today!
Yeahhhh *sighgrin* Yumm..
* Holly raises an eyebrow
how do you do that?
Do what?
* Holly raises an eyebrow
Oh, just type: /me says hello
* AnythingButThis says hello
* Niche glomps Snape
* Holly pulls Niche off Sevvie
* AnythingButThis feels like he landed in a nuthouse.
Yay, your getting the hang of irc! Soon you’ll know how to slap someone with a trout!
Sounds very interesting... Anyway, it’s not like these muggle inventions are hard to use, they are quite simple really.
Right Sev. Sure.
There is no muggle made instrument I can not operate.
Ever tried programming a VCR clock? I swear, even for us muggles it’s impossible.
Piece of cake.
oh this I GOTTA see! Lets make a bet!
If you can’t set a VCR clock, we all meet in real life in a dog and husband free restaurant and you pay.
And if you CAN do it, we will never call you Sevvie again.
Fine.
I’ll go look up a good restaurant in the yellow pages.
In the mean time switch on video chat, I want to see it or I wont believe it.
Very well.
Ok I got it switched on. Niche please cover yourself up!
.......
Will you stop it! It’s a flesh coloured shirt that’s all.
oh.
Well Sevvs, go ahead.
Fine.
...
Why are you looking around like your lost?
I can’t find the RVC.
VCR
It’s right behind you Sev.
I knew that.
Eh... nono that’s a tv.
The VCR is the thing underneath it, with the opening in it.
Right. Well. Lets see. The thing with the blinking 00:00
That’s it. Nich, prepare to meet him, this is a bet he just can’t win.
I still wonder what he did to the muggle that used to live there.
I think I see him trying to claw up the balcony there...
Oh yes. Everything ok Sev?
Oh look at that wand! Are you going to try a spell Sevvie?
Very nice qualit-... SEVERUS!
ARGH! He poked his wand in the VCR!
OMG! Holly he is being electrocuted!
I always knew he was hot but this is ridiculous!
SEVERUS LET GO OF THE WAND!!
I think his plaster is melting...
Ah.. he let go...
Where is he?
He fell to the floor I think...
And the VCR?
Balancing on his head...
Shouldn’t we like.. you know... do something?
Like what, I have no idea where he is!
Oh yah... Look! He’s coming round!
Severus! Are you ok hon?
pain...
aw...
Awwwwww!
Is the VCR clock working though?
No...
So. Meet you in the Hilton in Amsterdam, 5 pm.
Today?
Mwah... Tomorrow. I think you’ll have stopped glowing and smoking by then...
Wheeee!!! I’ll wear my coolest Pink Floyd t-shirt!
And I will wear my skimpiest-... My finest dress!
You have a dress?
You bet!
Your wedding dress?
Yeah!
You are going to wear your wedding dress!?
You have a problem with that mushroom!?
Me? Nonono. Nooo not me. Na-ah. Your husband maybe, not me. Nono.
Fine.
Fine.
1 problem...
What?
Muggle money. I have none.
Oh Severus don’t be such a baby. Just rob a bank or something.
Excuse me!?
And for tomorrow, be sure to wear your best robe!
Make sure it’s black!
And swishing!
And soft so I can cuddle it!
And billowing!
My robes don’t ‘billow’.
Yeah yeah whatever.
now you’d better go to Pomfrey.
yeah... you look a bit.. roasted.
I hate you two...
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc. (quit: I will have revenge)
Awwww isn’t he cute!
Adorable.
Ickle.
ERGH! Don’t say the “I” word!
What, ickle?
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Ickle ickle ickle ickle ickle
Aieeeee!!! ARGH! Damn you Eenhoorn!
========= Chapter 12, Hula! ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
sevvieeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Wheee!! Today we will meet!
And greet!
And eat!
Some meat!
Smelly feet!
To tha beat!
Enough with the rhyming already!
Fine fine...
So! Are you getting ready for this afternoon?
Did you rob a bank yet?
No, but I think I can obliviate the waiter.
Oh you bad boy you!
Isn’t he the cutest!
I can’t wait!!! Let’s video chat!
I’d rather not.
Oh come oooooon, i’ll show you some pics I drew of you!
Yeah! And i’ll show you... eh...
Your husband.
Hehehe *ahem*
Come ooooon, video chat!
video chat!
Annoying brat.
Yay! He can rhyme!
Fine fine i’ll start the frigging video chat.
ok me too... just a sec... yes! There.
Ok i’m on too. SEVVIE! OMG! You look adorable!!
What happened to the plaster, its totally gone!
You look like your own greasy astonishing self again!
Eh.. yes. I made up with Pomfrey so she decided to help me a bit.
Made up with Pomfrey?
I didn’t know you had a fight.
Yes we did. And thus she refused to cure me magically. That explains the plaster I believe.
Yeah, so why did you and her fight?
I called her a fat cow.
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
hehehehe why!
Because she called me a hook nosed greasy haired slime ball.
Why?
Because I called her a barracuda with a toothache.
Hahahaha
Aaaand.. why?
because she called me a limp scarecrow with a mop on my head.
I’m beginning to see a pattern here...
Something tells me you two like scolding each other! How did all this start?
I can’t remember actually... I think it started in a discussion about slugs...
okay logical.
How did you make up?
I’d.. rather not tell.
you understand we HAVE to know now, right?
Or we will constantly bug you about it.
Right. Well... I was toasted and hurt... Desperate...
Suddenly I crave for bbq...
I told her i’d do anything if she where to help me..
Anythiiiing?
That’s what she said too. Including the 4 i’s.
So what did you have to do?
first I had to bring her a drink in half a coconut... With a colourful umbrella in it.
Ohhhh I like those!
Then I... had to feed her grapes.
Oh i’d DIE for that!
I almost did. I still wasn’t cured yet.
So when did she decide to cure you?
When she got me crazy enough to dance around in a hula skirt playing the mandolin...
I didn’t know you could play the mandolin!
I cant. She cured me to make me shut up.
Ah...
Niche seems to be away from the camera...
Actually I saw her sliding off the chair when I mentioned the hula skirt thing.
Poor girl... She must be shocked...
Well, she was grinning broadly.
Oh... Didn’t notice that... Oh look, there she is! Welcome back Nichers!
hehehe sorry bout that...
Eh... Niche, maybe you should stop drooling? I don’t think your keyboard is waterproof...
I am slightly disgusted...
Well it’s almost time to go!!! I’d better go change.
In your wedding dress.
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
Do you think she’ll really wear her wedding dress?
Niche? Oh definitely.
You know, I have some essays to grade.. I should go...
NO WAY potionboy! Yer stayin RIGHT here!
but I have to grade!
Just put an F on every page like you always do.
How do you know?
I didn’t. You just told me.
...
Sorry, watched too many detectives.
Right.
Anyways, disapperate to the Hilton in Amsterdam, we’ll meet you there.
You two are maniacs! What makes you think i’ll come, if i’m bound to leave covered in scars and bruises again!
You wont get hurt.
How can you be so sure!
Because there are no dogs, nor jealous husbands in the Hilton. They are both tied to a leash outside.
..fine.
See U there then!
Yeah i’m on my way there 2. C ya!
I hate irc slang...
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc (quit: Why am I doing this...)
*** Holly has quit irc. (quit: Why is he doing this?)
*** Niche has quit irc. (quit: Shoot, I forgot the whipped cream!)
========= Chapter 13, Husband alert! ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
SEVVIE!
Good morning.
Is Niche still clinging to your leg?
I tried all the spells I knew but I just cant seem to get her off me.
We had a pretty good time yesterday though didn’t we! The food in the restaurant was YUMM!
Quite. AGH why does she have the compulsory need to bite my calves! It’s VERY annoying!
Calves?
The back of my lower legs.
Oh this I gotta see!!! Switch on the webcam!
I think not. HANDS OFF!
Who me?
Niche.
Ah... Why don’t you just take her to her home?
Where her large husband waits for me with a baseball bat?!?
Oh yeah...
I’m desperate enough.
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc (quit: Disapparating)
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Nichah!!
Hollsah!!!
Where be Snapey?
Oh, he’s playing with my husband.
Playing?
Yeah. You know, boys will be boys. They are outside playing baseball.
...eh, I don’t think Snape is the type who likes muggle sports.. Are you sure they are playing?
Eh... i’ll check... just a sec.
ok...
Oh yes, they are having fun! They are playfully wrestling outside.
...playfully... wrestling...
I’m glad husby forgave him for barging in like that the other day.
So... what did he say when he saw Snape apparating in your house with you in a wedding dress clinging to his leg?
I quote: You and I are going to have a little fun mister! And then he cracked his knuckles.
Poor guy...
My husband?
No, SNAPE! Sheesh! He is obviously being beat up!
...you think?
YES!
oh!!! I’ll go save him! Brb!
Fine fine...
He is gone...
What? Who?
Snape! He’s gone.. Husband said he just vanished! I think he disparated.
Phew!
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
Sevvie!!! Are you ok!?
Charming husband you have Niche.
Heh, yeah I know, he’s a sweety :)
That was sarcasm.
Hey!
Are you hurt bad Sevvie?
I escaped just in time.
Aww my husby is not that violent!
He tried to pull my hair out.
He just wondered what kind of shampoo you used!
If any.
Shh!
He was about to knock the molars out of my mouth.
Saves you dentist costs!
And he tried to break my leg again.
Well you just have yummy legs! Irresistible for women AND man obviously! Duh! He just wanted to squeeze your calves.
Right. Very... disturbing thought.
But your still in 1 piece?
Something like that.
Oh let’s talk about more cheery things. I don’t like it when you talk all mean about my husby like that!
Okay... Ehm... how about hobbies? *smirk*
I don’t think your memory is as bad as you say it is.
Oh yes! Hobbies! Snapey didn’t want to tell us about it last time! Say.. Sevvieee?
Don’t call me Sevvieee.
What are your hobbies?
You have caused me enough psychological damage already. I refuse to answer.
Ah watch this Nich, it’s called reversed psychology
but professor Snape, we are just so interested in you! Surely a highly intellectual sophisticated handsome man like you has interesting hobbies!
Mwahahaha gods your cunning!
Well I eh...
We would LOVE to hear about your no doubt interesting hobbies, right Nich?
oh definitely!
Well I.. I’m quite fond of knitting.
...Knitting?
Yes.
I’m sorry I asked...
Knitting. Well that’s very eh... interesting... right Holls?
Yes quite.... There’s nothing like.. knitting.
So... What do you like to.. knit?
Socks.
Sevvie your pulling my leg right?
Yes hehehe, you can’t be serious heh... are you?
FINALLY! I was wondering when your puny infantile minds would be onto me.
Infantile?
Was that an insult?
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc (quit: Muahaha! Who laughs last, laughs best!)
...
...
Was that an attempt of a joke?
Apparently...
That’s so un-sevvie like!
I think the poor guy finally lost his mind...
Do you think that’s damage WE caused?
Nah.
Nah...
========= Chapter 14, CUDDIES! ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
SEVVIE!
SEVVIE!
Stop calling me ‘Se-.. why do I bother.
We thought about what you said yesterday.
About our puny infantile minds.
You forgot to add the words ‘disturbed and sick’ btw
And we decided
After long consideration
To forgive you.
I’m truly honoured.
Sooooo...
Are you a virgin?
You’d do anything to get on my nerves wouldn’t you.
Is that a yes?
Probably.
Tell me a bit about the conditions you live in.
Er... What you on about?
Do you mean like how we live? Roommates? Family?
Dogs?
Yes. Some background information for my book. I’m trying to figure out what made you like this.
Like what?
*shrugs*
Well lets see... I live in a flat with my adorable husband
Adorable. Indeed.
He’s MINE!
That was sarcasm.
Ah... Well. I also live with 2 roommates Robert and Joost ehhh Holls? *wink wink nudge nudge*
*blush* Cut it out Eenhoorn!
And this behaviour of yours, does it run in the family?
She’s Mexican.
Ah... That explains it.
...Should I feel insulted?
Nah, you where born this way, you can’t help it.
...Stupid cheese head!
Taco face!
Oh, go grow tulips.
Psh, says you? Who wears sombreros and ponchos?
Oh yeah? What about you with your idiot wooden shoes! Do you float when you walk in the water?
Do you jump after eating beans!?
Alright!!! Enough!! Your turn Holly.
Fine. Well I live with my parents and 2 sisters, our 2 rather annoying dogs, and my cute wittle Snoopycat! *glomps Snoopy*
Snoopy?
Yupyup!!
*snickers*
You called your cat... Snoopy.
And it’s not even black and white like our cat, Sonic!
Well your cat isn’t even blue!
You lost me here...
Sonic the hedgehog, he be blue. Her cat is named sonic but he is black and white.
Sonic... the hedgehog...
Don’t you know sonic the hedgehog?
he is a beastie from computer games.
I don’t play computer games.
He would LOVE Lara Croft.
I see more in Duke Nukem personally. He has cuddies!
CUDDIES!!!!
CUDDIES
C
U
D
Cuddies?
D
I
E
S
What on earth are ‘cuddies’.
*smirk*
The part of you Niche kept pinching.
You mean the male behind.
oooo how formally said!
Yupyup!
And you have the cutest cuddies I have ever pinch-.. seen!
What about your husby’s cuddies?
What do you know about my husby’s cuddies Mushroom!? *glare*
Nothing! I was just wondering... You know... In comparation to Sevvie’s cuddies...
Different subject please.
But we like discussing cuddies!
Yeah!! ...is something wrong with your cuddies Sevvie?
Stop calling me Sevvie! And no, nothing is wrong with my ‘cuddies’ apart from the tooth marks of your dogs!
Ah.. Oh yes...
I wish they where my tooth marks... *sigh*
...
...
...What!
So... ummm...
“Are you a virgin?”
Are you a vi-.. How did you know I was going to ask that!
Just a wild guess.
Isn’t he smart!!!
And the answer is? *drum roll*
“None of your business”
none of your business.
One doesn’t need to be psychic to know his answer for that one.
You’re not psychic, you’re psychotic.
Thank you!
For once I agree.
Well I have to go now. Need to grade some potions tests.
OOOOOH! Can you send us some potions questions? Just for fun? A test?
You muggles know nothing about potions.
Hey, not true! I’m very good at making soup!
And I can toast bread!
And I can make tea too!
I can toast bread!
And coffee
I’m toasting bread!
All in all, i’m not bad at brewing liquids!
I just burned my toast...
Fine. I’ll ask you some potions related questions next time.
Mwah... My toast isn’t THAT burned...
ok Sevvie! Byeeee!!!
Maybe I can scrape the black stuff away with a knife...
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc. (quit: Grading homework of annoying brats.)
*sigh* Isn’t he cute...
Doesn’t taste that bad actually...
What?
My toast. ...where is Sevvie?
He left. You missed it.
Blah! And on 2nd thought, my toast tastes like crap!
Today isn’t your day.
*grmbl* Not at all.
CUDDIES!
*smirk!*
========= Chapter 15, Ah, the good old days… ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
SEVVIE!
SEVVIE!
Good morning.
Did you get us some potions questions?
Potions questions?
Yeah! You told us yesterday you’d give us a potions test!
Oh yes. Well I didn’t think about that.
You don’t have potions questions for us? :(
no. I was too busy grading
F. F. F. F. D. F. F.
And writing the book.
Oooooo!!! The book about us? Do copy paste! Please!
Yay!
If you feel the urge to be degraded, insulted and depressed, sure.
Woohoo!
Chapter 2. The cause of insanity.
The two muggle girls who shall be referred to as N and H have told me in all detail about their miserable pasts.
Did we?
Apparently.
N. Comes from Mexico where her father worked as a poncho salesman and her mother as a sombrero maker.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Huh?
Whenever N. Touched the merchandise she was locked up in a trunk and tossed in the Mississippi.
The... Mississippi... Is that in Mexico?
Not even close.
“touched the merchandise” *snicker snicker snicker*
LOL!
N met a Dutch baseball player who also worked in his parents’ shop as clog maker. She went with him to the Netherlands, where she was constantly taunted because of her height.
...Sevvie, are you drunk?
H comes from Holland. She lives in a windmill on a dike wich has been flooded 3 times in the last month. Her father is a cheese maker, her mother a tulip grower.
What??
hehehehehehehe
Whenever she ruined the tulip harvest, which happened rather frequently, her father would tie her to the arms of the windmill and let her circle around for a week or 2.
Awww poor Holly, I didn’t know!
Nor I!
The here above mentioned event happened 3 times a year, at least.
I thought tulips only grew once a year?
So as a conclusion, it is no wonder that H and N are indeed insane.
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
Wonderful story Snapey! I feel sorry for N and H already! *snicker*
yeah, but you forgot to add that they used to beat Holly up with cows!
And that they trapped Niche in a bag filled with jumping beans!
And that Holly saved Holland by sticking her finger in the dike!
And that Niche saved Mexico by not feeding hot peppers to her husband when he came there to visit!
...are you serious?
Sure!
dead serious!
Hehehehe
hahaha!
Alright, I added it.
LOL! Really!?
Yes. Are you under psychological treatment nowadays?
Oh yes. They lock me up in the padded cell every night.
With straightjacket and all.
Yup!
Did I spell straightjacket right?
probably not. Your lines are always full of speling erors.
...speling erors?
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
So gorgeous, what else have you got?
*blush* She called me gorgeous.
I was talking to Sevvie, Mushroom!
Stop calling me “Sevvie”. I find it awfully annoying. And no, I didn’t get round to writing much more.
aww..
Oh well. I’ll go back to making taco’s then.
And i’ll go milk a cow.
*** Niche has quit irc (quit: Ping timeout)
Ping timeout?
She got disconnected! Yay!
Yay?
Now that we be alone i’ll tell you all the juicy details of Niche’s life in Mexico, for your book!
Isn’t that a bit...
Low to the ground? Evil? Sneaky? Cunning?
Right.
Yup!
It all started when she was born in 1824.
...1824?
Why yeah! She’s a vampire didn’t you know? And a very very mean one at that! The only reason Michael Jackson is still alive looking like a 30 year old is because she bit him 129 years ago! Well.. and maybe a little bit of surgery...
hmm.. interesting...
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
She got married 27 times, including two women and a dog.
Who?
...My mom!
I’m confused...
*shrugs*
*** Holly has quit irc (quit: connection reset by peer)
Ah! Holly is gone! Yay!
Yay?
Let me tell you all the juicy details about her past! It all started in 1824.
I don’t want to hear about it!
Psh, so much for interest in muggles.
Rather odd ones at that.
Sevvie?
Please stop calling me that! What is it now?
Are you a virgin?
Aaaaaaah!!
========= Chapter 16, Veletision? ========
Soooo Sevvie, now that Holly’s not here, tell me what you think of her. I love a good gossip ;)
I think she is an annoying little nosy hyperactive noisy brat with a ridiculous hairdo.
Ok cool! So tell me, what’s your favourite tv show?
..tv show?
Yeah! ...Oh! You don’t watch much tv of course, your a wizard!
Indeed.
Well Holly and I were watching the 3 amigos once, and there was this funny bit where a woman asks Carmen if she knows what foreplay is. And she says no. Guess what the woman said!!!
I’m really not interested.
Oh go on go on guess!
I really don’t care.
she said: Good, neither does El Guapo! Hahahahahaha!!
I don’t even find that mildly amusing.
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
Hideehi!!
Neither hahahaha!! Does HAHAHA!!! El hehehehe El hehehehe
Ah I see Niche is thinking about the 3 amigos again.
Indeed.
Hi Sevvie!
Neither does El Guapo! HAHAHAHA!
Stop calling me “Sevvie”.
Sure Sevvie. Hey Nich, are you alright in there?
HAHAHAHA neither does HAHAHA!!!
...
...
o_O
Ahhhhhh i’m ok :’)
Eh... yah. What made you think of the 3 amigos Nich?
Oh, we were talking about tv.
Oh! Oooh!! Speaking of tv, I saw Robin Hood yesterday! Rickman is YUMMMM!!!
“I’m going to cut his heart out with a spoon....”
“A spoon sir? Why not use a knife?”
“Because its BLUNT you idiot, it’ll hurt more!!”
“Because its BLUNT you-.. yeah!!! Gods I LOVE that part!!
Heheheheehe
Cut hearts out with a spoon... Now there’s an idea...
Do you know Alan Rrrrrickman Sevvie?
Never heard of him.
Nich, do you have a Rickman pic?
Yeah I have one from Dogma were he has those delicious wings! I’ll send it.
* DCC Niche sends AnythingButThis BadNicheWithCanary.jpg
...
Oops.. wrong pic. Wait a sec.
Good God...
* DCC Niche sends AnythingButThis RickmanDogma.jpg
What do you think!
I think i’m going to be sick.
Oh come on, he’s not that ugly!
What? Who?
Sev, what pic are you looking at?
The one with the... canary is it?
Heheh..
What canary?
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
Look at the other pic I sent you Sevvie! That’s Alan Rickman.
Oh yes. I see.
Well? What do you think?
A bit of an old fart isn’t he?
...
...
BLASFOMY!
Isn’t that “blasphemy?”
Who cares. How can you say that Sevvie!!!
He even played YOU in the Harry Potter movie!
He.. played me?
Yeah! And he did a damn good job at it too!
But he looks so much older than I!
How old are you Sevvie?
...29.
Pull the other one!
Pull what?
How old are you really.
Fine fine. 32.
Sevvie!
Ok!!! 35. Happy now?
NOW who’s the old fart.
Oh I dunno... I’m 23, he is 35, not too bad hm?
Niche your married!
Oh yeah.
I wont object to a 35 year old though *wink wink nudge nudge*
Holly, you are 19.
...20 in August!
Hello?
What do you think Sevvs, do I stand a chance? *flutters eyelashes*
Not in a million years.
And after that?
You won’t live that long.
Damnit.
So! Got any more in your book Sevvie?
Ok. That’s it.
What?
I have warned you 12 times but you STILL call me “Sevvie!!!” I’ve HAD it!
You actually counted that?
Yes!
boy, does he need a hobby.
Well we can’t help it! The nickname suits you!
Yeah its just as sweet and cute as you!
Sweet and cute!?
Yeahhhhh *huggles*
*huggles*
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc. (quit: I am insulted!!!)
Awwwwwww!!!
A...
You think we should stop calling him Sevvie?
Well.. we should..
Yeah...
Uhuh...
...
Naaaaaaah.
*smirk*
========= Chapter 17, The contest! ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
Professor Snaaaaape!
Professor Snaaaaape!
Finally. No more “Sevvie”.
We forgot to say Sevvie??
...
Don’t even think about it!
SEVVIEEEEE!!!
SEVVIEEEEEE!!!
Great.
Why didn’t you do any magic when we met in real life Sevvie? I would LOVE to see that... wand.. in.. action... *wink*
Excuse me?
LOL!!! Niche behave!!!
What!
I didn’t feel like performing any magic tricks in a muggle packed restaurant.
a..
Fine! Next time we’ll meet at your place >:)
Wheeee!! I always wanted to see Hogwarts!
You can’t. Its enchanted you silly muggle.
Oh but surely we can floo to your room hmm?
Muggles can not see Hogwarts from the outside.
Yes but once we have been taken INSIDE we can see it, right?
...I suppose so.
YESSAH!
So! When will you pick us up?
I never said i’d bring you there!
Awwww!!! Come on!!!
*pouts*
Please?
No.
Please?
No.
Pretty please?
No!
Pleaeaeaease??? I’ll bring my fluffy pink bunny slippers!
God no!
You know we are just going to keep on bugging you till you pick us up.
Well what if you just pick ME up?
Oi! And what about me eh?
You can play with your dogs!
I hate my dogs!
Sevvie, can I ask you something?
If you ask me i’m a virgin again i’m forced to hurt you. Badly.
Briefs or boxers?
Tanga or g-string?
...
You two seriously need help.
*grin!*
Well I wanna come to Hogwarts!
You are staying home Toadstool!
I am not taking ANY of you to Hogwarts.
No YOU stay at home! I’m going with Sevvie!!
Oh yeah!?
You’re BOTH staying home.
ok lets see who he likes best then!
And the one he likes best goes with him to Hogwarts?
No!
Yes!
FINE!
FINE!
Don’t I have any saying in this?
Sevvie daaaaaarling
...
*gags*
I wrote you this wonderful poem!
A poem!?
*gags some more*
your eyes are black as tar pits, your hair silky as silk
Your robe swishing in the wind, your nose the size of an elk
Hello? Silk and elk don’t rhyme Niche!
How I wish I could hold you again like I held you that night.
She was clutching to your leg, what a pathetic sight.
Shut up Holly!
Well at least that rhymes!
That will do Niche.
Shut up and listen, I am not done yet!
...
*ahem*
I wonder how far you could kick a house elf, with your shoesize being at least twelve.
You know what they say about men with big feet, so please tell me Sevvie, boxers or briefs?
...
ROFL! That was pathetic!!! Hahahaha!
Psh! As if you can do better.
I am slightly disturbed...
And “feet” doesn’t rhyme with “briefs”.
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up!
Thank you Sevvie daaaaaarling.
Enough with this silly rhyming stuff.
but but but but I didn’t get a turn yet!
Hah!! He likes me best!!
I despise poems.
HAH! He likes ME best!
I think you are both terrible, annoying, idiotic, disturbing, sick muggles and I will NOT take any of you to Hogwarts!!
Lemme just brush my teeth and then you can pick me up.
No way Mushroom!
Argh! I will NOT pick you up!!
Don’t forget to wear that robe that billows so wonderfully.
My robes don’t ‘billow’!
Sevvie, are you a virgin?
*** AnythingButThis has quit irc (quit. I need a drink...)
Does that mean he’s coming to pick me up now?
I doubt it.
A.. Bugger...
========= Chapter 18, Holly flips! ========
*** AnythingButThis is on irc
*** AnythingButThis has joined #slytherin
Sevvieeeeee!!!!!!
Sssss-s-s-sssevvie!!!!
ss-s-s-ssevvie?
Parceltongue.
...ah.
So are you going to pick me up?
For what?
Well you said you’d take me to Hogwarts!
No he didn’t.
No I didn’t.
He asked ME.
Tacohead!
Cheesebreath!
Don’t start that again!
*grunt* I guess we’ll never see Hogwarts huh...
No... I suppose not...
No.
:(
:(((
So...
*snif*
*trembling lip moist eyes*
What?
*cries*
Oh come on stop snottering you silly muggles.
*WHAILS*
Alright, FINE!
You’ll take us to Hogwarts?
I’ll take you to the Efteling.
...
...
To that stupid plastic-gnome infested moss covered theme park!?!?
Wheee!!!
It has collarroasters.
And hotdog stands!
And plants and things.
And hotdog stands!
And muggle souvenir shops.
And hotdog stands!
But it sucks!
And hotdog stands!
In Mexico we have this really really cool theme park with a HUGE rollercoaster. I went in it so much I know every twist and turn by heart!
Yes, but did it have hotdog stands?
It’s a Mexican theme park Holly.
Ah, taco stands.
Well take it or leave it. The Efteling, or your boring homes.
Hmm... Wait.. wait... I know the answer... it’s on the tip of my tongue... wait...
Just say yes or no.
Wait.. wait... then add 140... Minus... 8...
Oh no not again!
What?
Gaaaahhhh I KNOW the answer wait!! ...Plus 299... divide by.. 12....
Holly flunked math. She’s a bit traumatised. Sometimes when she has to make a hard decision she is reminded of her math exam.
PI! PiiiiiiiI!!! PI!!! ARRRRRHHH!
...I beg your pardon?
3!!! The answer is 3!!! 3!!!
Very good Holly. Very good.
Is that a yes or a no?
.....
Sevvie! *grunt*
NinehundredandninetyninetimestwodevidedbythreeandahalfPI!
Sorry Holly but I have to do this.
eighthundredfourtyfiveminussevesthoussandthen..
This will hurt you more than it hurts me.
* Holly was kicked from #slytherin by Niche (Shut up.)
...
I’LL come with you to the Efteling Sevvie. Don’t bother with Holly, she flipped her wig again.
ITS MY OWN HAIR
...er... I meant... Holly lost her.. marbles I.. wasn’t talking about your delicious hair Sevvie dear.
...Oh. Alright. So you’ll go to the Efteling with me then?
Even though I hate elves and gnomes, yeah why not. Besides, i’ll be near you. *flutters eyelashes*
I trust you wont be clinging onto my leg the whole day again?
Sevvie sweety, I wouldn’t dare.
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
Ah Holls. You all right now?
..eh.. yes I... I think so...
Good. *smile*
o_O ...Why are you smiling?
I’m not.
So, when?
Tomorrow morning at 11.
What?
Nothing.
Are you two going somewhere?
Oh no. Nono.
Well, we-..
* AnythingButThis was kicked from #slytherin by Niche (Oops, wrong button.)
?
*smile*
Nich, you just kicked Sevvie out of the room.
Yes, heh wrong button. Well Holls i’m off to bed now bye.
*** Niche has quit irc (quit: *SMILE*)
Niche it’s 7 p.m! What’s goi-.. Oh she’s gone already. Well fine. Que descanses. See if I care.
Er... who are you talking to?
To myself, do you mind!?
Oh nono. Not really. So when are you going to bed?
...EIGHTHUNDREDFIFTYNINEPLUSTWOHUNDREDSEVENTYMINUSPI! PI! PIIIIIIIII!!!
========= Chapter 19, The mountain troll comes to visit… ========
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
>>> Time reminder. It is now [11.00]
Nicheeeee-... no Nich? .... no Sevvie?... :(
Me be all alone!!! *sob*
*** Uni is on irc
*** Uni has joined #slytherin
Hi!
Hello Holly.
Who be ye?
Oh you know me. I’m Niche’s husband.
HUSBY!!! Oh DO I know you!!! Roarrrr!!! Yumm!
...?
*cough* Don’t mind me. So, what are you doing here?
I am looking for my wife, she seems to have vanished.
Vanished? Er... I don’t know where she be!
You don’t?
* Holly shakes her head rapidly
Can you guess? No idea whatsoever?
ONEHUNDREDNINETYFIVEMINUSTHOHUNDREDANDSEVENTYPI! PI!
...Niche wasn’t kidding when she said you are weird.
ANDFIVEHUNDR-... She called me weird?
More in the lines of a crazy maniacal lunatic but yes.
Grrrrrrrrrr!!!
So, you don’t know where she is?
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
...O...kay i’ll go now.
GRRRRRRR!!!!
* Uni has left irc (quit: Weirdo)
So i’m a maniacal lunatic ehhh? Grrr just wait when she gets back. I’ll show her >:(
>>> Time reminder. It is now [12.00]
Surely she’ll be here soon. Grrrrrr I want revenge!
>>> Time reminder. It is now [13.00]
Yep. Any minute now. Grrrrrrr
>>> Time reminder. It is now [14.00]
...My, it’s awfully quiet in the room today... Damnit Nich where be ye!!!
>>> Time reminder. It is now [15.00]
zZzZzZz...
>>> Time reminder. It is now [16.00]
ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!
>>> Time reminder. It is now [17.00]
>>> Time reminder. It is now [18.00]
I’m starting to get annoyed.
>>> Time reminder. It is now [19.00]
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Hollllssss-s-s-s!!!
Nicheeeeerrrssssss!!! *smirk*
* DCC Holly sends Niche BadlyDisguisedVirus.exe.png
...?
Come on, accept the file!!
Er... I’d rather not.
But it’s a... picture... of my cat!
Right.
* DCC Holly sends Niche BadlyDisguisedVirus.exe.png
Come on accept it you stupid short weird big mouthed annoying tacosmelling sombrerowearing Mexican!!!
...Holly are you by any chance angry with me?
NO NOT AT ALL NOW ACCEPT THE $^%!#$@^* FILE!!!
Ah. Still i’d rather not.
*grunt* So where have you been? Your husby came to look for you!
I was in the Efteling with Sevvie :D
...
It was fun fun fun!!!
Nich... Where is Sevvie?
Eh...
...Nich.. where are you!?
*smirk*
...Your at the muggles place where he always chats aren’t you!!!
Umm... Yeah?
Where is Sevvie!
He’s MINE! *cough* He eh... he is sort of... tied up.
Sort of... tied up?
*ahem* Yeah.
What, literary!?!?
Sort of.
Nich!!
Well yeah. I tied him to the *cough*bed*cough*.
WHAT!?
Relax! I didn’t place a finger on him. Yet. He fell from the ‘collarroaster’ and freaked out a bit. He was so upset and confused he wouldn’t stay in bed to rest so I tied him up.
...But... How will you go home to your husby now?
I guess i’ll have to spend the night here >:)
Niche!
Oh stop worrying, I wont touch the man. Much. Argh he broke free!!
Eh... Nich?
Niche??
Niche is not here right now. I had to petrify her.
Sevvie?
yes
WHEEE!! SEVVIEEEEE!!!!
And I didn’t fall from the collarroaster she just tied me up because she said it was part of the massage.
She gave you a massage!?!?
The whole day through. Very annoying. I feel like dough. I’ll take her back to her place now.
Tell her i’m still angry with her! She didn’t take me with you guys, she didn’t tell anything, and grrrr!!!
Whatever.
*** Niche has quit irc (quit: Taking annoying little Mexican back to her mountain troll.)
Well he might have the size of a mountain troll but he sure looks a lot better! ...Hmmm... What if... I hook Niche up with Sevvie... and I will go to Uni and... *smirk* ...Argh! No! No! I can’t do that!!! ...well I guess its worth a try...
*** Holly has quit irc (quit: emailing Uni)
========= Chapter 20, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! ========
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
*** Holly is on irc
*** Holly has joined #slytherin
Nicheeeeeerrrrsssss-s-... I mean.. *snarl* Oh. It’s you.
Hi Holls...
So. Snape brought you home huh?
*nod*...
Did you have a nice time at the friggin Efteling!?!?
Yeah...
...Nich?
Hm..
...Be something wrong?
Well lets just say husby was not pleased when Snape brought me home while I was under the petrificus totalis spell and I had gone mysteriously missing the whole day.
Aiii.... What did he do?
Well he got a bit angry...
At you?
Yeah well a bit... I’m not allowed to eat munchies for a week... *SOB*
What!? No munchies!?!?
No!!!!
Pringles?
No!
Crisps?
No!
Pickles?
No! ...what made you say that?
Don’t ask. And Sevvie? Be he ok?
Oh yes. Once he regained consciousness he seemed fine.
...Your husband knocked him out!?!?
Well no!!! Snapey sort of.. fell...
Fell?? What, from the stairs? You live on the top floor of a flat!
No... not off the stairs... He... sort of fell from the umm... Balcony... Heh...
ACK!
*** Guest3977 is on irc
*** Guest3977 has joined #slytherin
Hello.
...who be ye?
“Sevvie” I suppose.
Oh! You still had the nick Niche which I took back...
Get a new nick Sevvie.
What do you suggest?
Type /Nick Sevvie
I refuse to be named Sevvie.
Aw.. How about Snapey?
How about no.
Well choose a name you like!
Fine. Hm...
* Guest3977 is now known as CelineDion
...Celine... Dion...
What. Not good?
er.. oh it’s eh... it’s fine...
Good.
*** Uni is on irc
*** Uni has joined #slytherin
Niche, about that husband of yours.
...
Sevvie, shh!
If that man uses that baseball bat on me one more time, I am forced to crucio him till he dies a very painful death.
Xnay on the Husbystay!
And furthermore i’d like to add i’ll personally pull his fingernails out before the crucio, and i’d be happy to put his hands between the jaws of a rather large alligator.
Well now. If it isn’t the greasy haired hooknosed git.
I beg your pardon?
err... Sevvie... Uni is ehh... Her husband... heh...
...Oh. How nice to see you again.
Lovvey, are you chatting at your job?
Don’t you ‘lovvey’ me Niche, you still can’t have any strawberries and whipped cream.
...Niche is there something here I should know about?
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
So where did you take my wife yesterday scum bag!
Oh so NOW you ask. Yesterday your baseball bat did the talking for you hm?
Well!? What did you do to her! If you touch her one more time...
Excuse me!? She touched me! No worse, she clung onto my leg again and started biting my calves!
You pervert!!!
I’m sorry sweety...
Not you, HIM!
*snickers*
Me!? Hello!? I repeat, she grabbed ME! I didn’t touch her!!!
You carried her in!
I had to, she couldn’t walk!
Ooooh you’re DEAD MEAT mister!
Oh what are you going to do. Dcc me pics of your baseball bat?
* DCC Uni sends CelineDion UtterTorture.jpg
...Oh my God...
hon, you didn’t send... what I think you sent... did you?
I did.
Oh my GOD...
...the one of you... wearing only my... fluffy pink bunny shaped... slippers...
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP! ...Who is Jerry?
Oh just some muggle who makes talk shows about fighting couples who throw chairs at each other.
....Brilliant!!!
Er...
I’m dragging you to the Jerry Springer show, you’d better come or i’ll bring my baseballbat got it!?
But... throwing chairs!?
What do you prefer Sevvie, a baseball bat or a chair.
You’ll be hearing from me hooknose.
Oh sweety... Must this all end in violence?
I’ll see you when I get home.
...Okay the Jerry Springer show it is!
Uni?
What.
Did you get my email?
Boxers.
*smirk* Ok thanks.
*** Uni has quit irc (quit: phoning Jerry.)
...You emailed hubby!?
Ehm...
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
========= Chapter 21, OohwoohOprah! ========
*cheesy opening tune* OoohooowooohoooOpraaaah *Clap along everybody!*
*Oprah comes on stage*
Oprah: *plastic smile* Ahhhh hello sisters!! Hahaha ok ok, please stop clapping! Ahhhahahaha! *SMILE*
*Guy holds up ‘applause’ sign, audience keeps clapping*
Oprah: Oh daaarlings! Thank you thank you! *audience stops clapping*
Oprah: Hello everybody! Today we have a very special show for you, please welcome our favourite co-host/relationship therapist, dr Phil! *annoying clap session, dr Phil comes up*
Dr Phil: Haaaaiii darlings! *waves*
Oprah: *pushes Phil away from camera and smiles sweetly* Today in our show we have a man who claims to be a wizard and has his magic set for a Dutch married woman. From left to right we have Niche,
Niche: The airco here is not good for my hair.
Oprah: Holly,
Holly: I’m on tv!! I’m on tv! HI MOM!!
Oprah: Severus Snape,
Snape: Why exactly am I here?
Oprah: And Niche’s husband, Uni.
Uni: Why am I placed next to this *censored* instead of next to my wife???
Phil: I sense some hostility here.
Oprah: dr Phil, do your thing! *smile*
Phil: Alright, first of all, Uni. What made you come here to settle this on television?
Snape: I know how to operate a CVR.
Holly: VCR dear
Uni: Well we wanted to go to the Jerry Springer show but when I showed him a picture of Merlin here, he told me they already did the KKK last week.
Snape: Don’t insult Merlin. And what on earth do I have to do with the KKK!
Uni: Face it, you look nothing short of freaky and you wear long black robes in the middle of summer!
Niche: Long black DELICIOUS robes!
Uni: long black DELICIOUS ro-.. hey!
Holly: I’m on tv!! I’m on tv! HI MOM!!
Snape: These happen to be ARMANI robes silly muggle!
Dr Phil: Alright, ehm, lets get started shall we? Niche, you are married to Uni?
Niche: Yep! Aren’t I the lucky one!
Dr Phil: Alright, and Snape is ‘hitting on you’?
Snape: I resent that!
Uni: yeah you would transvestite!
Snape: What??
Uni: Long hair, purple fingernails, dress...
Snape: Robe!
Uni: Whatever!
Dr Phil: Ok thank you gentlemen. And Holly, what is your role in this situation?
Holly: I’m on tv!! I’m on tv! HI MOM!!
Dr Phil: Oprah, we have a traditional case of jealousy here. But we have our very own mr Sockpuppet to help these people out.
Snape: ...mr.. sock... puppet?
Uni: *bouncie bouncie* Ooooh mr Sock puppet!!!
Niche: Please sweety, behave.
Uni: *serious* I’m ok.
*dr Phil gets a sock puppet and puts it on his hand.*
Mr Sockpuppet: *high voicy* Hi kids!
Holly, Niche, Uni: Hi mr Sockpuppet!
Snape: I refuse talking to a sock.
Mr Sockpuppet: mr Sevvie,
Snape: PROFESSOR Snape
Dr Phil: It says mr Sevvie on my card..
Holly: *innocent grin*
Niche: *highfives Holly*
Mr Sockpuppet: Do you care to tell your bestest of bestest friend mr Sockpuppet what happened?
Snape: Not really. I refuse talking to a sock. And a rather smelly one at that.
Uni: Psh! I bet you play with sock puppets all the time.
Snape: Do not!
Uni: Do to!
Snape: Do not!
Uni: Do not!
Snape: Do to!
Uni: SEE!?
Snape: ...Asshole.
Uni: Looney tunes joke, works every time.
Mr Sockpuppet: Kids! Kids please!
Snape: *grabs mr Sockpuppet and tears him to little bits*
Uni: *Grabs a chair and starts bashing Snape*
Holly: I’m on tv!! I’m on tv! HI MOM!!
Niche: Oprah dear, what do you use to get that peachy skin!
Oprah: Butter sweety. Lots of it.
Dr Phil: AAAAAGHH! You killed mr Sockpuppet!
Oprah: Ehh.. that’s all we have time for today!
*guards drag Uni away*
Uni: JUST YOU WAIT SNAPE! I STILL GOT JENNY JONES! AND JUDGE JUDY! AND JUDGE JUDYYYYYY!!!!
Niche: Ohhh isn’t he SEXY when he yells!!!
Holly: ...You are weird.
Snape: Urgh... Medic...
Oprah: Ladies, I hope you enjoyed the show. Of course I will be back tomorrow with dr Phil! For the coming week we have the following planned: dr Phil, dr Phil, dr Phil aaaaaaaand dr Phil!
Dr Phil: He... *sob* killed mr... *snif* sockpuppet... *cries!*
Holly: aw...
Snape: Oh come on! It was just a stupid sock!!! Now can somebody PLEASE remove the leg of the chair from my-...
*commercial break*
From today in magazine shops near you, “O”! Oprah’s very own magazine! Only this month with a dr Phil action figure!
-
From today in magazine shops near you, “R”! Ricky lake’s very own-..
***Turns off tv***
Psh. So much crap on these days.
========= Chapter 22, A bit of rest.. Well, sort of >:) ========
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Niche, did you bail your husband out yet?
Hollyyyyyyyyy-.. eh..
...eh!?
...
Is that a no!?
eh... yes?
*** Niche was kicked from #slytherin by Holly (BAIL HIM OUT)
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Oi!
grr
I was just kidding Holls, I bailed him out! He is sitting next to me! Still grumpy about Sevvie...
oh... ok...
*** ProfSnapey is on irc
*** ProfSnapey has joined #slytherin
Good day.
Sevvieeeeeee!!!
So! How was your talk with Trelawny?
Awful. McGonnagall was there too. Apparently they.. have something.. together.
*shudder* Ew..
Is Niche not talking?
Well she was just a minute ago... Nich?
Hm. I suppose she has more important things to do.
...Do you think... Do you think she's.. making up with her husband?
Making out more likely.
oooooh baaaaad Nichah!!!
I am NOT making out with husby, i'm trying to keep him from throwing my pc out the window!
And you can still type when doing so?
His foot got stuck in the radiator.
ah.
I take it he is still displeased then.
Displeased.. mwah... He wants your head on a stick and your testicles as castagnettes that’s all.
Oh, not so bad then.
Not really.
o_O
oh, now he yells he wants to use your kneecaps as target practice for his shotgun.
He has a shotgun?
Apparently.
O..k.. Sevvie, now would be a good time to get nervous.
Right.
...uhoh...
uhoh?
Eh... Husband got his foot free.. and he.. sort of.. fell from the balcony..
Sort of fell from the balcony!?
Holly studied for parrot.
Yes. So!?
*sigh* I suppose I better go save him. Be back later.
oookay...
*** Niche is now known as Niche-brb
So! Trelawny and McG have something together?
McG?
McG! Minny! Lemonface! Catbreath!
...Wait, let me write those down...
mkay
There. Well apparently "McG" found out Trelawny was not born a woman. When she explained to 'it' that she wanted to become a man, it just clicked. I have to say I was quite disgusted.
McG wants to become a man!?
Apparently
Well, that will be an easy task for the surgeons wont it!
I wouldn't know.
Now that Niche isn't here to annoy us, i'll read you a poem!
Ah...
ARRRGH! Yelled the carrot. THE AGONY! THE PAIN!
BEWARE FELLOW VEGGIES, HERE COMES THE BLADE AGAIN!
But the potions master kept on chopping
Merciless, precise
And all the ingrediënts,
Met their demise.
What a charming poem.
But i'm not done yet!
Yay...
Then it was the onion's turn
Snape pealed off 15 skins!
For the veggies it was hell
For Snape, soup for lunch.
Skins does not rhyme with lunch.
So!?
*** Niche-brb is now known as Niche
Baaaack
How is husby?
Oh, he's fine. He got stuck on the flag post.
You don’t have a flag post.
Not ours, the one of the neighbours on the second floor.
So he didn't fall to the floor?
Naah. He's ok. He just landed on the flag post in a rather painful position for men, but he is fine.
Right. Well I should be off.
Where are you off to?
To a staff meeting.
*coughTrelawnyAndMcGcough*
What?
Well they are at the staff meeting too right?
Right.
Tell Lupin he's hot!
I'd rather not.
If you see Draco, tell him I wanna squeeze his cuddies!
CUDDIES
C
U
D
D
I
E
S
!
!
...right.
*** ProfSnapey has quit irc (quit: Off to call McG 'Catbreath')
Ooooh look at that quit msg! We have influence on him! Bad influence, but still! Influence!
Maybe we can teach him how to sit up!
Nich...
And give paw!
Niiich...
And roll over!
Niche, he is not a doggie.
And-.. oh yes. So... You don't think he'll roll over?
Not unless you tie rollerblades to his feet and shove him down the stairs.
oh... Do you have rollerblades?
NO!
========= Chapter 23, VEGGIES BEWARE! ========
*** ProfSnapey is on irc
*** ProfSnapey has joined #slytherin
Sevvieeeeeeeeee!!!!
Sevvieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
You promised not to call me "Sevvie" anymore.
...Did we?
Naaah. Did we?
Yes.
o...kay sorry.
How was the staff meeting?
Shocking.
Shocking? Aren't they supposed to be boring?
Not this time. Professor McGonnagal had her operation done.
That’s McGonagall dear.
I thought it was MacGanoogle...
...
...
...eh.. fine we'll just call her McG.
What operation btw Sevvs?
Since she found out Trelawny turned into a woman, she wanted to become a man. She had a beard implant.
A what??
Oh so she stopped shaving for a while?
They gave her a beard with hair implants.
...that’s weiiiird....
It sounds right up your alley though Holls.
yeah.. ...huh? What are you saying Eenhoorn!
Nothin' O:)
...
Go on Sevvie. What else happened?
Professor Dumbledore found his beard removed when he woke up. Seeing him beardless was the most shocking part. You have no idea what grew on his chin.
Oh do tell!
...I'd rather not go into details but it looked a bit like fungus.
Ewwwww!
*shudder*
Do you think Dumbly losing a beard and McG gaining one has.. a connection?
"Dumbly"?
Well I have to say your staff meetings are way more bizarre than I imagined them!
So what else happened?
Oh. Not too much.
How long did the staff meeting last?
I think 3 hours.
What did you guys have to talk about that it took so long!
Well a large part of the discussion was about why hotdogs come in packages of 10 and hotdog buns in packages of 8. I fell asleep before they reached an agreement.
...Ah.
Sevvieeeee I want to meet you again!!!
Yeah me too!!! I want to talk about potions!
And squeeze your cuddies!
And you can tell us about Hogwarts!
And squeeze your cuddies!
And we can tell you how to set a VCR clock!
And squeeze your cuddies!
...Well alas, I am a VERY busy man. I have no time to meet you.
Psh! Though you have plenty of time to chat with us for hours!
No I don’t.
Then why are you here!
It's... part of my job.
This has nothing to do with potions.
I.. am... substitute teacher muggology.
...Muggology?
Muggle studies.
Ah.
But I thought you hated muggles!
I don't. Only.. some.
Surely not us, right Sevvs?
>>> Time reminder: It is now [20.00]
>>> Time reminder: It is now [21.00]
Sevvie?
psh! See? He could have spent that hour with us in real life!
Excuse me, I was in the bathroom.
For an hour!?
Hogwarts food gives me indigestion.
a..
I believe the house elves give me bad food on purpose. They have something against me.
...why?
Ehm..
Tell!
Well since I am not allowed to kick any of my students.. nor mrs Norris... nor certain teachers...
You kick elves??
Brilliant!!!
It can be quite satisfying after a long day to summon an elf to 'collect your laundry' and see how far it can fly after a good kick.
That’s barbaric!
It's brilliant!!
Uhoh... Hubby found out i'm chatting with you again... Our roommate saved him from the flagpole on the second floor...
I thought you had saved him?
Eh.. no I.. thought it was quite a funny sight so...
NOW who's barbaric!
Anyways, gotta go!
Tata.
Sevvie that sounds SO gay.
I AM NOT GAY!!!
...
...
...Just.. go.
Right...
*** Niche has quit irc (quit: Here hon.. have a joint.. don't get all worked up!)
...Can she say 'joint' in a pg-13 story?
Beats me, YOU are writing it.
Oh yeah...
========= Chapter 24, Beware of the ferretface! ========
I like ducks.
...excuse me?
Never mind. Oh Sevvs!!! Wanna see a pic I made of ye?
Doubt it.
Sure you do!!!
*** DCC Holly sends ProfSnapey AlaCama!.jpg
*** Niche is on irc
*** Niche has joined #slytherin
Hey.. That's not such a bad drawing actually...
*GRIN*
Hollsah! Sevvah!!!
NICHAH!
...Sevvah?
I sent Snape AlaCama!.jpg!!!!
Ooooooh that's ma fave!!!! What do you think of it Sevvie?
Stop calling me "Sevvie". I think it's a rather good portrait but... What’s that blob underneath me?
A bed.
...Ah. And whats that thing on top of me?
*SMIRK*
A Niche.
...Ah. I see.
What do you say, shall we try whats on the pic hm? Make fact out of fiction?
I AM fiction.
*pokes Snape*
I mean NO. And stop poking me Toadstool!
Toadstool?
He learns fast!!
He never calls me Toadstool!
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up.
*** LordMalfoy has joined #slytherin
Hello LordMalfoy!
Hi LordMalfoy!
Lord.. Malfoy? The ridiculous names people come up with nowadays.
How does this thing work.. ah. Here we go. Good day.
You new here?
No, it's my first time.
...eh.. yeah that’s what I meant.
a/s/l?
Beg your pardon?
It means age/sex/location
None of your business / Whenever I can / none of your business.
...only one person I know has an attitude like that.
Sevvie?
What.
Are you a virgin?
Stop asking me that!
...Severus?
Lucius.
What are you doing on a muggle chat thing!
What are you doing with that ridiculous name.
I asked you a question first!
I asked YOU a question first!
Woah... Lucius Malfoy???
I asked YOU first. Yes?
THE Lucius Malfoy?
No, Lucius Malfoy.
...ehh.. yeah that’s what I meant...
Ooooo fancy that! 2 hot studs!!!
...studs?
And who might you two be?
I am Niche Eenhoorn! Daughter of Lord Voldemort! I am all powerful! I am going to marry Snapey! I am-..
Lying through your teeth. Niche is a 23 year old from Apeldoorn who is MARRIED might I add. I am almost 20 years old and I live in Hoorn. We both live in the Netherlands though Niche's roots lie in Mexico. And I am single. Mwahahahah!
Holly, you are starting to sound way too intelligent.
Just a cover up Nich. Just a cover up. I like ducks!
...
...
...ok.. I guess she just likes ducks.
I like canard a 'l orange
BARBARIAN!
It's a good thing I see you here Severus, I wanted to talk to you about my son's grades.
What about them.
He has none.
Maybe he'd get some if he showed up at class.
Are you implying my son is lazy!?
Lucius?
"Mr Malfoy", brat.
Mr Malfoy brat?
What.
Are you a virgin?
Oi that's MY line mushroomhead!
Shut up tacobreath!
Don't get me started cloggface!
Who are you calling cloggface tortilla snout!!
Have you quite finished?
What bizarre muggles...
Finally we agree on something. I am writing a book about them.
Cheese face!
We all need our hobbies I suppose.
I learned a lot about muggles though.
Burrobreath!
I even know how to operate an RCV.
A what?
You are so tall you can sell bubblegum to passing planes! And that’s VCR dear.
It is a thing muggles use to record broadcasts on veletision.
You are so tiny you can look a worm in the eye! When you stand on your toes that is! And that’s Television dear.
What a waste of time. Muggle things are stupid.
Yet I find you on a muggle chat thing meaning you HAVE to be on a mocputer.
You have such huge feet you have to wear the shoeboxes instead of the shoes! And that’s computer dear.
Will you two SHUT UP!
......
.....
Ah. Much better.
Why I am on a muggle machine is of no concern to you Severus.
Fine.
Fine.
So what about that nick name of yours hm?
I could ask you the same! "ProfSnapey" psh! Have you no dignity man?
These girls told me to use this nickname!
And you actually listen to them!?!?
Trust me. These two don't need an imperius to make you do things.
Hahahahah! Right! Severus you are such a wimp! I bet you're gay.
I AM NOT GAY!
HE IS NOT GAY!
WE HOPE HE IS NOT GAY!
Holly?
Yes?
Shut up!
Pathetic. Just pathetic. I will not waste my time on you anymore, I have better things to attend to.
Ah, the wife called you to do the dishes again Malfoy?
SHUT UP Severus!
I'll take that as a yes.
*** LordMalfoy has left irc. (quit: Coming dear.)
Bye Luci-... oh too late... He left already...
Good riddance.
Think he'll be back?
*shrug* Depends on the reviews.
The what?
Never mind.
Sevvie?
ALRIGHT! I am a virgin!!! Sort of!!! Happy now!?!?!?!
...
...o..k.. I didn't see that one coming...
...*GRIN!!!* Unspoiled!!!! MINE!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
Niche you are scaring me.
Holly?
Yes?
BOTH OF YOU shut up!!!!!
...o..k.... ...*GRIN!!!*
========= Chapter 17, Bring in ferretface jr! ========
*** LordMalfoy has joined #slytherin
Back so soon Lucius?
You like us, admit it!
Of course he likes us! How can he not like us. We are sweet!
Adorable!
Annoying
Sexy!
Amusing!
Manipulative
Delicious!
Pervertic
Adorable!
...You already said adorable mushroomhead!
Imagine how adorable we be!
We ARE. Not we be.
Psh!
Father was right, you ARE insane!
...
...
Ah. Draco.
AAAAAH! DELICIOUS!!! DRACOLICIOUS!!!!! Draco, LETS MEET! I am Holly and i'm going to be your wife. Will tomorrow do?
Eh?
For the wedding! Got anything to do tomorrow?
Don't mind her. Tell your dad to come back online!
No way! It's my turn now.
Woah I found this revealing skimpy wedding dress on e-bay! What do you think Nich? I will mail you the link.
Wedding dress?
A bit too skimpy Holls.
Draco, about your grades.
Yeah I nearly got grounded for 3 minutes for that!!! If you don't give me grades i'll tell father you are responsible for it!
First you attend classes mr Malfoy!
mmmmm.... I love how he uses last name basis!
Well he calls you Niche most of the time.
You are wrong, I call her wench most of the time.
What does that mean anyways?
So are you really muggles?
No! I'm a pureblood!
Shut up Toadstool, you're a 19 year old Dutchie who collects rocks.
Rocks happen to be very interesting!!!
Right.
*** DCC Holly sends LordMalfoy picJUSTforYou.jpg
What are you sending me?
I just took a webcam shot just for you! Open it!
...
ah.. the dreaded ...'s.
*GRIN*
I can't believe you actually made a picture of you flashing!
What!?
Whaaat! Sheesh! Flash happens to be a wonderful animation programme!
Hah hah.
Mr Malfoy where do you go to if not to class.
None of your business.
10 points off slytherin.
...what!?
Whooooo!!!! Go Snapeylicious!!!
It's on times like this I regret you are not on Hogwarts Niche.
Awwww he likes me!!!
not really. I just yern to take points from you for calling me "Snapeylicious."
You can't take points from me! I'm not even in school!
You should be mr Malfoy. Minus 5 points.
Well so should you!
Oooo he got you there Snapey!
I am at school.
What?
Huh?
... I like ducks!
I took the muggles mocputer with me.
Right. You don’t have electricity in Hogwarts hon.
but we do have hamsters and treadmills.
That's how the Dutch trains are powered too!
Well don't you have a class to teach!?
I am. They are brewing as we speak and some seem quite pleased I am working on a mocputer instead of stalking around.
With swishing robesssss-s-s!
That be "com-pu-ter" dear.
That "IS" computer.
That's what I said! Hehehe this reminds me of Austin Powers, when dr. Evil goes: I call it a "La-ser"
Austin who?
Never mind. Gods you wizards don't know what you're missing!
Who, or what is Austin Powers?
Hehehe I like the 3 amigos better. "Carmen, do you know what foreplay is?"
*snickers* no,
Good! Neither does El Guapo!!
Good, Neither does El Guapo!
LOL!
Hahahahaha! Or: : "Do you have anything besides Mexican food?" *snort!*
Hehehehe
Have you quite finished!?
Sorry Sevvie.
Stop calling me that!
"Sevvie?"
You did not see that.
Sevvie??? Hehehehe
Oh great.
Oh that is a good one!!! Sevvie!!
Har har. Enough mr Malfoy.
So.. Sevvie... want me to help you to ehm.. get rid of your ehmmm... virginity?
...Sevvie's a virgin!?!?
Silence!!!
I think I am starting to like these muggles!
Awwwwww!!!! *HUG* Well we like you Dracolicious!!!
Heh heh heh
If you tell this to anyone mr Malfoy..
If I don't, will you give me those 20 points back you just took?
I took 15!
Like I said. 20.
...fine. 20 points to slytherin.
YAY!!!
Hehehe don't tell him any more Holls, I feel sorry for my sweetyloveyhoneymunchkin.
not another word will cross my lips.
So what other things can you tell me about Snape, Holly?
He likes knitting!
Holly!
Shut up!
Sorry!
Hahahahaha! Oh this is rich! I have GOT to share this with Crabbe and Goyle!
Don't you dare!
*** LordMalfoy has quit irc (quit: mwahahaha)
....
I hope you're happy mushroom.
Well...
Holly, switch on your webcam.
ok...
What's he doing?
He is giving me The Glare
Ooooooooo I want that too! Sevvie? Are you gay?
I AM NOT GAY! Switch on your webcam young lady!
*SMIRK* ok
o...kay...
He is giving me The Glare too!!!! YUMMMMMM!!! Err.. I mean... Oh! The agony! The punisment! What utter torture!!!
...You ..really need help Nich....
I agree.
Glare at me again! Agaaaaiiiinnnn!!! AGAIN!!! I'll pink you for it!!!
...what does she mean with "i'll pink you for it"?
Sevvie, dear, you don't want to know.
The end? *blinks*
................
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