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The Best Christmas Pageant EverOpening Song: Winter FantasyScene One: Meet the Herdmans (There are sirens and red flashing lights. Four firemen and Fred Shoemaker are on the stage looking at the smoking remnants of Fred’s tool house. Tree backdrop)Fireman 1- Wow, the Herdmans really did it this time. They burned down an entire building.Fireman 2- I suppose burning down this tool shed could have been an accident.Fireman 3- Yeah, who gets up and says, “Hey, let’s go burn down a toolhouse?”Fireman 4- Maybe you’re right. I guess the Herdmans would do this. I mean its Saturday and there’s not a lot going on.Fireman 1- Did anybody order the donuts from the Tasti Lunch Diner?Fireman 2 – Yeah, I did. They are over there on that stack of burnt wood. I hope they’re still not cooking.Fireman Song and Dance – Hot Hot Hot(Enter Claude Herdman) Fireman 3- Hey, did you kids start this fire smoking cigars in that toolhouse?Claude: We weren’t smoking cigars (he exits grabbing some donuts as he goes by.)Fireman 4: I think they actually did us a favor. This tool house looked terrible. It was becoming a rat hotel. (Enter Leroy Herdman)Leroy Herdman: We were playing with my “Young Einstein” chemistry set. I stole it from the DIE Hardware Store. (Grabs some donuts. Enter Ralph, Ollie, Imogene, and Gladys Herdman)Fireman 1: We don’t have a “DIE” Hardware Store in this town.Leroy Herdman: Yes, you do D-I-Y Hardware. Die Hardware. Duh.Ralph Herdman: Never mind. We mixed all the powders together (He grabs some donuts)Ollie: Then we poured lighter fluid on the powders. We wanted to see if the Einstein Chemistry set was any good. (He grabs some donuts)Gladys: (Shoving donuts in her mouth and in her clothing) Guess you could say Einstein knew what he was doin’. (gestures with a donut) Go figure!Fred Shoemaker: Actually, it’s kind of a relief. A blessing in disguise. It might be the only good thing the Herdmans have ever done.Imogene: Hey Shoemaker. We Herdmans never do anything good. You say that again and I will shove ice cubes into your mouth until your tongue freezes…and you can’t taste donuts for a week. (She grabs the last few donuts)Fireman 4- If they had known it was a good thing, they wouldn’t have done it at all. They would have set fire to something else…or somebody else.Fred: I guess we are out of donuts (He holds up an empty box shaking his head) I don’t think we wanted the Herdmans to learn that every time there is a fire the Tasti Lunch Diner sends donuts. (Fireman exit ad lib suggesting other places for donuts (Dunkin Donuts, Tim Hortons, TimBits are amazing, Toasty Tuesday Hostess six packs. Herdmans reenter).Herdman Song and Dance: “We’re Getting’ Nuttin’ for Christmas”Scene 2: Claude and his Cat. (Narrators are in front of the curtain. Behind curtain scene changes to school room yellow backdrop)Nathan/(Narrator 1: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Nathan Opaleski.Kristine/Narrator 2: I’m Kristine OpaleskiJessica/Narrator 3: I’m Jessica Opaleski (They all gesture to Mr. Opaleski as he enters the stage)Mr. Ojr.: And I’m Mr. OpaleskiNathan: We are here to tell you more about the Herdmans.Mr. Ojr: You take it from here, kids, I have some fishing to do.Nathan: Ok, Dad, but leave some fish for me. (Exit Mr. O) Anyway the Herdmans were so all around awful you could hardly believe they were real. Kristine (counting on her fingers): Let’s see there is Ralph, Imogene, Leroy, Claude, Ollie, and Gladys.Jessica: They were six, skinny stringy haired kids all alike.Nathan: Except for the different black and blue places where they had clonked each other.Kristine: They lived over a garage at the bottom of Sproul Hill.Jessica: No one ever used the garage anymore but the Herdmans used to bang the door up and down as fast as they could trying to squash one another.Nathan: Where other people had grass in the front yard, the Herdmans had rocks.Kristine: Where other people had hydrangea bushes, the Herdmans had poison ivy.Jessica: There was also a sign in the yard that said “BEWARE OF CAT”Nathan: It was the meanest looking animal I have ever seen.Kristine: It had one short leg, a bent and broken tail, and one eye.Jessica: The mailman wouldn’t deliver anything to the Herdmans because of it. (Curtains open and the first graders are seated on the rug listening to Miss Brandel read a story, Pete the Cat)First graders song and dance: Have You Seen My New TeacherMiss Brandel: (looking up from her book as Claude enters the stage) What have you got there, Claude?Claude: My cat. Miss B, uh, you might wanna’ hide the goldfish. He hasn’t eaten in three days. (Stuffed cat leaps out of Claude’s arms and the children all get up and surround the cat. Cat then scratches the blackboard and other actions noted in the following dialogue sounds?)First Grader 1: Look at the big long scratches it put on the blackboard! It’s shedding fur and scattering books and papers everywhere.First Grader 2/ Ramona Billian: Ouch! It scratched me!First Grade 3: Oh man, there goes my homework!First Grader 4: Now, Miss Brandel will have to believe, “The cat ate my homework,” Yes!First grader 1: It’s looking at me with its one eye. First grader 2/ Ramona Billian: No, wait! I think it spotted the goldfish.Miss Brandel: Everyone, run into the hall! (Miss Brandel pulls a coat over her head grabs a broom and corners the cat)Miss Brandel: Here kitty, kitty (She runs back and forth across the stage because she can’t see with a coat over her head. She smacks the broom down whenever she hears the cat hiss which comes from the risers. She knocks over the goldfish bowl and the cat quiets down and begins to feast on the goldfish. Ramona Billians is the first child to reenter the stage. She looks all around. All of the rest of the class files in. Miss Brandel puts band aids on all the children)Ramona: It ate my two pet mice! Now I can’t even bury them. (Sobbing, classmates console)First grader 3: Look at this room it’s a wreck!First grader 4: Pete the Cat would never do this.First grader 1: Yeah someone needs to read a, Pete the Cat story to that cat. (He points)First Grader 2: There should be a rule from now on. No one can bring alive stuff for Show-n-TellFirst Grader 3: Yeah we should only bring in dead stuff.(All exit)Scene 3: Mean Imogene (Enter narrators in front of curtain. Meanwhile the scene changes to a playground setting. Tree backdrop Narrators are eating donuts)Kristine: I was always in the same grade as Imogene Herdman. Jessica: It was good to stay out of her way.Nathan: It wasn’t easy to do if you were very pretty or very ugly, or very smart or very dumb, or had anything unusual about you like frizzy hair, thick glasses braces on your teeth. Or the worst? If your parents bought you anything you wanted and you bragged about it at school. Well... it was only a matter of time.Kristine: Imogene would find out secrets about everybody, announce it to the whole world, or worse blackmail a kid if they had something she wanted.Nathan: If she didn’t know a secret about you she would make one up and catch you in the hallway and whisper, ”I know what you did” and then you would go crazy trying to figure out what it was you did that Imogene knew about. (Curtains open to reveal the playground setting: trees. Kids are playing tag, playing with a ball, jumping rope. Miss Brandel is supervising. Big Kids: Albert Pelfrey, Wanda Pierce, Ernestine Snookums, Todd Bennett, Petunia Peterson and Alice Wendleken are on stage. Enter Imogene)Bigs Song and dance: School Bells RingingImogene:Why it’s Albert Pelfry. You have got to be the hairiest kid in the fourth grade.Did you have to shave this morning, Al? Even your eyeballs are hairyAlbert: Imogene, get some new material. They’re called eyelashes. Next you’ll be telling me my Pop was a gorilla.Imogene: Albert, He was. I met him on several occasions buying bananas at the IGA.Albert: Go away, Imogene. Go tell it to your dad in jail.Imogene: Trust me, Albert. I can help. You give me your lunch money and I’ll convince Mrs. Jasper at the Barbie Girl Hair Salon to give you a discount on laser hair removal. (Albert shakes his head and Imogene is quickly distracted.)Imogene: (Walks over to Wanda) Hey, Wanda did you get a new charm for your charm bracelet?Wanda: (showing off) Why, yes, I did Imogene. It cost six dollars and ninety five cents without the tax. It’s a bird and when you push this little knob, its wings flutter. It cost 6.95.Imogene: I know what you got on your last Math test, Wanda. I wrote it down on this paper. Either give me your bracelet or this will be one of the school announcements, that moron, Jay Epstein reads every morning. Wanda: (panicked) Oh, no! Everyone knows Jay doesn’t care what he reads. He’s not even awake when he does that job. You wouldn’t dare.Imogene: But I wouldWanda: Wouldn’tImogene: Would. Now hand over the bracelet. (Wanda hands over the bracelet. Imogene moves on to her next victim)Imogene: (mockingly) Ernestine Snookums, can I try on your glasses? Ernestine Snookums: No, Imogene. Go away.Imogene: Well, maybe if I wore them, I’d be able to (mockingly) name all 50 states! You are such a show off. You ever do that again and I’ll shove raisins up your nose until your blue eyes turn brown behind those thick glasses of yours. I bet on a sunny day I could set an ant on fire with those glasses.Ernestine: The glasses have nothing to with knowing stuff, Imogene. It’s called studying. (Imogene yanks the glasses off of Ernestine’s face and throws them.) I can’t see! Help me, someone, I am blind without my glasses.Imogene: Maybe you shoulda’ thought about that before you started showing off by saying the 50 states. Everyone knows Canada is a state and you didn’t even mention it. (Ernestine finds her glasses with the help of others onstage)Todd Bennett: Imogene, you are such an idiot. Canada is not a state.Imogene: Well if it ain’t, Todd Bennett. Oh my gosh! Your hair is so frizzy it takes up the whole hallway. Everyone is dodging your big BrilloPad hair! I need to put on protective gear just to walk past that head of steel wool. Todd: I might have a lot of dry hair but at least I’m not stupid.Imogene: Saying that to me? Is a stupid thing to do, Todd. Now you are going to give me your shiny new bike, or I will hold you down and give you the worst haircut of your life. Ralph will help me.Todd: You won’t do that. You’re bluffing.Imogene: Watch your step, mister, BzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzPetunia Peterson: Imogene, why are you so mean?Imogene: Listen to me, Iron Jaw, you keep walking or I will take those braces off of your buck teeth and wire your mouth shut so you can’t speak. You will look like a beaver forever. (Petunia shudders and walks toward Albert) Imogene:(sing songy) Oh Alice! Come here. (Alice walks over) Alice: What do you want, Imogene? (Imogene slaps Alice’s head) Ouch what did you do that for?Imogene: I saw a cootie crawling in your hair. I wanted to kill it. Oh wait! I better slap you again you look a little cross-eyed. (She smacks Alice again)Miss Brandel: What is going on here?Imogene: I saw a cootie crawling in Alice’s hair so I smacked it. Then she went kinda’ cross eyed so I smacked her again.Alice: (crying) You did not see one. I don’t have them anymore.Miss Brandel: (scratching her head lightly) What do you mean you don’t have them anymore? (She scratches her head with a bit more energy) Did you have them lately? Alice, come with me to the nurse’s station. Imogene, recess is over, go back to the classroom. (All exit. Curtains close. Narrators enter stage left with Alice, Mrs. Brandel and Nurse Brody on the other side.)Nurse B: I am going through your hair with a fine-tooth comb, Alice. (Both women are scratching their heads) With this magnifying glass I’ll be able to see even the tiniest cootie. (She is struggling because she is scratching her head. Finally, she drops the comb and the magnifying glass and yanks her nurse cap off. Scratching her head with both hands.) You can go, Alice you’re alright. (Nurse B and Alice exit)Jessica: It was too late –everybody called Alice “cooties” the whole rest of the year.Nathan: We figured the Herdmans were headed straight for a long stay in the state penitentiary. Kristine: Until they got themselves mixed up with the church, our mother and the Christmas Pageant.Scene 4- Mrs. O’s story and the church ladies (Living room with the yellow backdrop with a table and chairs for the ladies to sit on. There is a plate of donuts on the table)Mrs. O- Many of you might not know this about me, but before I was the music teacher at St. Francis, I was a parent. I did lunch duty, attended PTG meetings, bought donuts, and helped with whatever I could. One year Mrs. Armstrong, a force of nature, fell and broke her ankle. Mrs. Armstrong was chairman of the Ladies’ Aid Bazaar, coordinator of the Women’s Society Pot-Luck Supper, and she ran the Christmas Pageant every year. What does that have to do with me? Watch and see. (She exits.Enter 5 women on phones. Church lady song and dance with old fashioned phones, with coiled cords). Church Ladies’ Song & Dance: Happy Talk(A phone ring sounds and Mrs Armstrong speaks to Mrs. Hopkins)Mrs. Hopkins: Hello, Hopkins residence, we’re praying for you today.Mrs. Armstrong: (on the side stage lying on a cot with her leg bandaged) Oh my gracious! I cannot believe this has happened! (She is enjoying a donut as she speaks) Mrs. Hopkins, is your husband, Reverend Hopkins, beside himself? Please reassure him I can direct everything from my hospital room.Mrs. Hopkins: We are all just worried about you, Mrs. Armstrong. Rest easy. My husband is fine. Other church members will step up to help. (They hang up. A phone rings Mrs Wendleken answers.)Mrs. Wendleken: Hello? Of course, I will lead the Ladies’ Aid Bazaar. Chocolate Glazed donuts will be our feature! (A phone rings)Mrs. Hazelbeck: Good Day! Mrs. Hazelbeck speaking. I will be happy to coordinate the pot luck supper and the donut bazaar for appetizers. (She licks her fingers, hangs up the phone.) Everyone knows you eat dessert first. (Phone rings)Mrs. McCarthy: Yes? Hello? I would love to help Mrs. Wendleken and Mrs. Hazelbeck. After all, the potluck will be legendary with my lemon cake donuts. They are the breakfast of champions! (Phone Rings enter Mrs. O jr.)Mrs. Armstrong: Hello? Linda? Mrs. Armstrong here.Mrs. O (jr): Hello? Oh, hi Mrs Armstrong. Oh, I see, mmmhmmm. So the ladies are all going with a donut theme. Well, I guess that leaves me with the Christmas pageant. I don’t think donuts are a part of the Christmas Story.Mrs. Armstrong (speaking to Mrs O. Jr.) Of course, Alice Wendleken will be Mary, and Elmer Hopkins will be Joseph and there will be no donuts.Mrs. O jr-Thank you Mrs. Armstrong, I’m sure we’ll be in touch. (All exit except Mrs O jr. Mr O enters). I could run the pot luck supper with one hand tied behind my back. All you have to do is make sure everybody doesn’t bring meatloaf. (She put her hands on her face) Ugh! The Christmas Pageant? It’s so much work!Mr. Ojr.-What’s this? Every year you drag me to that 4-star piece of entertainment? I don’t want to go, but you tell me it is my duty to show up as a dad? What is this attitude? You are so talented, you can handle this.Mrs. Ojr- Until now, that was my contribution to the pageant. Getting you there to see Nathan be a shepherd and the girls in the angel choir.Mr. Ojr- There’s never anything different about the Christmas pageant.Mrs. Ojr- There will be this year! Nathan has grown, and he is wearing your bathrobe, I’m in charge... and you are helping! (Both Exit)Scene 5-How the Herdmans discover Sunday school (Curtain opens on a classroom setting. Yellow Backdrop. Kids have their lunchboxes open and are busy eating and talking. Kristine, Nathan, Jessica and Imogene are present. Big kids are on stage with no lines. Leroy Herdman approaches Nathan and takes Nathan’s dessert from his lunchbox)Nathan: Come on, Leroy, this is the third day in a row you’ve stolen my dessert. Leroy: Oh, why don’t you call the… whambulance?Nathan: Oh, go ahead and take my donut. I can get all the dessert I want in Sunday school.Leroy: What kind of dessert?Nathan: Chocolate cake, candy bars and Kool-Aid. We get refreshments any time we want.Leroy: You’re a liar.Nathan: We get ice cream too, popcorn balls and on a day when the collection comes in lower than expected we have Timbits. Leroy: Oh yeah? I believe the donut thing but... Well who gives it to you?Nathan: Reverend Hopkins. So, take my stupid, stale donut. I don’t care. Leroy: What time is Sunday school?Nathan: Why do you want to know?Leroy (eating the donut): I need to wash this down with some water. What time is Church school, barf face? (He grabs Nathan’s shirt)Nathan: I’d rather visit the Meijer deli than tell you. (The kids Albert Pelfrey, Ernestine Snookums, Wanda Pierce, Todd Bennett, Jessica Opaleski have stopped eating and are staring at the two boys. Imogene puts Kristine in a headlock)Kristine: Yowzer! Imogene why’d you do that?Leroy: Tell me the time or your sister gets it.Jessica: Ok fine! It starts at 10:00Leroy: See you there. (Imogene releases Kristine and the Herdmans exit laughing. All the Bigs shake their heads, roll their eyes at the narrators/Opaleski Kids and get up to leave.)Scene 6 Sunday School (Yellow backdrop with a crucifix and stained-glass windows. Shepherds, big kids, narrators, and Herdmans are seated in a circle and Reverend Hopkins is reading a scripture passage)All Sunday School Song: Jesus Loves MeRalph: So, where do you get the cake?Reverend Hopkins: Well, son, I don’t know about any cake but the canned goods for the Orphan’s Home are being collected in the kitchen.Ralph: I guess it might take some time to bake a cake. We’ll wait.Alice to Jessie: (whisper) They aren’t praying or singing. The Herdmans are just sitting there.Jessie: I saw Imogene snake a handful of coins from the collection plate.Reverend Hopkins: We will be starting rehearsals for the Christmas pageant, so we will be staying a bit later today. Let me introduce your director, Mrs. Opaleski. (enter Mrs.O jr)Alice: Kristine, I hope you are going to be in the angel choir, you are so good in the angel choir.Kristine: What you mean is you are afraid you won’t get to be Mary because my mom is running the pageant.Alice : (huffy) Huh!?Imogene: What’s a pageant?Mrs. O jr: It’s a play.Imogene: What’s the play about?Mrs. O jr: It’s about Jesus.Gladys: Everything here is. (Reverend Hopkins motions for Elmer to come to him)Reverend Hopkins: You are going to be Joseph, Elmer, that’s it!Elmer: I don’t want to be Joseph. I’m too big, and I feel dumb up there. Besides all those little kids give me a pain in the neck. Reverend Hopkins: I can understand and even sympathize but until somebody else volunteers for Joseph, you’re stuck with it.Elmer: Nobody is ever going to do that. I even offered Grady Baker 50 cents to be Joseph and he wouldn’t do it. I’m going to have to be Joseph for the rest of my life.Reverend Hopkins: Cheer up. Maybe someone will turn up. (Elmer walks back and sulkily takes a seat. Everyone is looking at him)Mrs. O jr: Ahem, like I was saying we will have our rehearsals on Wednesdays and there will only be five. So try not to miss any.Albert Pelfry: What if we get sick?Mrs. O jr: You won’t get sick. Now, you little ones, (she points to the risers) you will be our angel choir (The littles on the risers all clap and cheer). We will need 4 shepherds (points towards risers) and the rest of you will be members of the choir. We need Mary, Joseph, the Three Wisemen and the Angel of the Lord.Ollie: What if we get sick?Mrs O jr: (Slightly annoyed) You won’t get sick! Now we all know the kind of person Mary was. She was quiet, gentle and kind. The little girl who plays Mary should try to be that kind of person. Any volunteers? (Imogene is the only person to raise her hand). Did you have a question, Imogene?Imogene: No, I want to be Mary. (Looking at her siblings) Mrs O jr: Uh…okay…ah…great…we will need a Joseph. He should be responsible, faithful, and supportive.Ralph: I’ll be Joseph (an audible gasp from the children and Elmer claps loudly and delightedly).Leroy: I’m gonna’ be a Wiseman.Claude: Me too!Ollie: I’m gonna’ be the wisest of the Wisemen. Whoever they are.Gladys: Hey that makes me the Angel of the Lord. What do I have to do?Mrs. O jr: The Angel of the Lord brings the good news to the shepherds. (All the shepherds begin to audibly wiggle in their seats, and demonstrate discomfort.)Shepherd 1: I can’t be a shepherd. We’re going to Philadelphia. They have good donuts there.Shepherd 2: My mother doesn’t want me to be a shepherd. She just said that today. I don’t know why. She just said whatever you do, don’t be a shepherd.Shepherd 3: I can’t be a shepherd. I have sheepophobia. Mrs. Ojr: What’s that?Shepherd 3: Fear of sheep!Shepherd 4: I can’t be a shepherd. I am pretty sure my dog will be throwing up. Also I don’t wanna’ be a shepherd because Gladys Herdman hits too hard.Mrs. O jr: Why, Gladys isn’t going to hit anyone. She visits the shepherds in the field and tells them Jesus is born.Shepherd 1: And hits them.Shepherd 2: I just know Gladys will be whamming us shepherds left and right.Shepherd 3: That’s something to really be afraid of!Shepherd 4: I still can’t come. My dog will definitely be throwing up. If I come I’m gonna need a bodyguard to protect me from the Angel of the Lord.Shepherd song: Tender ShepherdMrs. O jr: No shepherds may quit, or get sick. It’s time to go. – Why don’t you try on your costumes. I asked your parents to send in bathrobes and the head pieces are in the back. Angel choir please try on your wings as well. We want to be sure they are in good shape. Alice, can I see you for a minute, please? (all exit except Mrs. O jr, Kristine, and Alice)Mrs. O jr: Alice, why in the world didn’t you raise your hand to be Mary?Alice: I don’t know. (Enter Kristine)Kristine: I know why. I heard Imogene tell Alice that if she dared to volunteer to be Mary she would do all the ordinary Herdman-things like clonking you on the head, drawing pictures on your homework papers, or putting worms in your coat pocket.Alice: I told her I didn’t care what she did, but then she said that when the milkweed stalks begin to grow, she would stick a milkweed pod so far into my ear no one could reach it. She said it would sprout and grow and grow and that I will spend the rest of my life with a milkweed stalk growing out of my ear.Mrs. O jr: You know she would never do that.Kristine and Alice: Yes, she would. They found a sprouted seed in Ollie Herdman’s ear once.Mrs Ojr: I’m exhausted. Let’s go home. (The shepherds and Angel Choir get back on the risers in their costume)Scene 7 The Fallout (On stage: church ladies with their phones, narrators and Mrs.O jr. Yellow backdrop as the narrators speak each church lady comes to life. Church ladies pantomime talking on the phone)Nathan: Mrs. Homer McCarthy called mother to say:Mrs. McCarthy: I have been thinking and thinking about our Christmas Pageant. I think if the Herdmans wanted to be involved we should let them hand out programs at the door.Kristine: One problem, we don’t have programs for the Christmas pageant.Jessica: Mrs. Hopkins, the reverend’s wife, called to tell mother,Mrs. Hopkins: It is sacrilegious to cast Imogene as Mary.Nathan: Mrs. Hazelbeck told mom she was crazy. Mrs. Hazelbeck: I live next door to the Herdmans and I hear yelling and screaming at all times of day and night. The garage door is constantly going up and down all day long and their insane cat attacked my German Shepherd.Kristine: Some townspeople thought it was unfair for a family who didn’t even belong to the church to barge in and take over the pageant.Jessica: When Mrs. Armstrong found out what was going on, she fell out of her hospital bed.Mrs. Armstrong: I feel personally responsible. Whatever happens I accept the blame. If I had been up and around it wouldn’t have happened. Nathan: Finally, Reverend Hopkins called everyone and he said,Reverend Hopkins: Mrs. Armstrong, Mrs. Wendleken, Mrs. McCarthy, Mrs., Hazelbeck and my beloved wife, Mrs. Hopkins. Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” Ladies, Jesus meant all the little children, including the Herdmans. (Church ladies exit and Mr. O enters)Mr. Ojr: So Reverend Hopkins put an end to that. Maybe the phone will stop ringing, and I can come home to a decent meal once this week. I’m about over the Timbits.Mrs. O jr: That woman! She must be surprised that the sun is still coming up every morning without her to supervise the sunrise. Well, let me tell you! Mr. O: Don’t tell me. I’m on your side. I don’t want to go to this thing. Except I will get a kick outa’ seeing Nathan in my bathrobe.Mrs. Ojr: I just mean that Helen Armstrong is not the only woman alive who can run a Christmas pageant. Up till now I’d made up my mind just to do the best I could under the circumstances but now- I’m gonna make this the very best Christmas pageant anybody ever saw, and I’m going to do it with the Herdmans.Scene 8 The Herdmans learn the Christmas Story. (Yellow backdrop cross and stained glass windows. The curtain opens and the bigs are sitting on a carpet. Mrs Ojr has a bible and is about to get started when the Herdmans come in. Claude knees a kid and the kid yells, “ouch” Gladys pinches another little kid and she yells.)Mrs.Ojr: And here’s the Herdman family. We’re glad to see you all. (All the other kids start coughing and clearing their throats. A couple even cough the word liar and someone sneezes big lie)Imogene: What happened first? Begin at the beginning. Ernestine Snookums: Well, that would be the Book of Genesis and that will take us all night to read.Imogene: Shut up, Ernestine, before I clonk you with that big old book Mrs. O has.Wanda: I find it very hard to believe how little the Herdmans know about the Christmas story.Alice: I don’t. (She nudges Wanda) stage whispers: They don’t even know what the Bible is. Last week while Imogene was snitching money from the collection plate Gladys and Ollie drew mustaches and tails on all the disciples in the primary-grade Illustrated bible.Mrs O jr: Okay. Let’s begin by reading the Christmas story. (All the kids groan) Joseph and Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child…Ralph: Pregnant (the kids all giggle)Mrs. O jr: That’s enough, Ralph.Alice: (Whispering to Kristine) I don’t think it’s very nice to say Mary was pregnant. I’m not supposed to talk about people being pregnant. I’d better tell my mother.Kristine: Tell her what?Alice: That your mother is talking about things like that in church. My mother might not want me to be here.Kristine: Your mom doesn’t even want cats to have kittens or birds to lay eggs. Mrs.Ojr: And there was no room at the inn.Imogene: Not even for Jesus?Mrs Ojr: Well, Imogene, nobody knew the baby was going to be Jesus.Ralph: You said Mary knew. Why didn’t she tell them?Imogene: I would have told them. Boy, would I have told them. What was the matter with Joseph that he didn’t tell them? Her pregnant and everything.Mrs. Ojr: So a kind innkeeper sent them to her barn where they wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger.Leroy: What was that they laid the baby in? A manger? Is that like a bed? Why would they have a bed in a barn? Mrs Ojr: That’s just the point. They didn’t have a bed in the barn. Mary and Joseph had to use whatever there was. What would you do if you had a new baby and no bed to put the baby in?Imogene: We put Gladys in a bureau drawer.Mrs Ojr: Well there you are. You didn’t have a bed for Gladys so you had to use something else.Ollie: Oh, we had a bed for Gladys. I just wouldn’t get out of it. I didn’t like Gladys.Mrs.Ojr: Anyway a manger is a large wood feeding trough for animals.Claude: What were the wadded up clothes? You read it. She wrapped him in wadded up clothes.Mrs.Ojr: Swaddling clothes. It’s when you wrap a baby in a nice tight material to make them feel cozy and comfortable.Imogene: You mean they tied Jesus up and put him in a feedbox? Where was Child Welfare?Mrs Ojr: And lo the Angel of the Lord came upon them and the Glory of the Lord shone around them and…(Gladys jumps up, flinging both arms in the air and smacks the kid next to her.)Gladys: SHAZAM!!!!!!MrsO and all the kids: What?Gladys: Out of the black night with horrible vengeance the Mighty MarvoMrs.Ojr: I don’t know what you are talking about, Gladys.Jessica: Haven’t you ever read Amazing Comics, mom?Gladys: Out of nowhere, right? In the black night, right?Mrs.Ojr: Well in a way, I guess (Gladys sits down completely satisfied). Why don’t we take a break, and stretch, get donuts. Angel Choir can you meet with me? We need to go over your song. (All exit except Mrs. Ojr. Enter Angel Choir)Scene 9 The Herdmans learn even more with the help of the Angel ChoirAngel Choir song and dance: Angel Band(Enter Bigs and Herdmans)Mrs Ojr: OK now, where were we? When Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, behold there came Wise Men from the East to JerusalemRalph: That’s you Leroy and Claude and Ollie. So pay attention (He thwonks them on the head).Angel Choir 1: What does it mean Wise Men?Angel choir 2: Yeah, were they like school teachers?Angel Choir 3: No, dumbbell, it means like President of the United StatesAngel Choir 4: Actually they were kings. But they weren’t very wise because they got lostAngel Choir1: I think they were really smart. They actually discovered the first GPS, The star in the east.Angel Choir 2: What’s a GPS?Angel Choir 3: (rolls eyes) G stands for Get P stands for Places and S stands for SoonAngel Choir 4: So, they just wandered around in the desert?Angel Choir 1: But if they were kings and they got lost and didn’t think to ask for directions, well, that is kind of ridiculous! Angel choir 2: How did they know to follow the star?Angel choir 3: Maybe the Angel of the Lord told themGladys: Shazam!Imogene: Maybe they’ll tell the innkeeper off and get the baby out of the barn.Mrs O jr: They saw the young child with Mary, his mother, and fell down and worshipped him. They presented the Christ child with gifts.Ollie: The firemen give us presents. Claude: Yeah they never give us anything cool though like bows and arrows or dart guns.Mrs Ojr: They presented him with gold, frankincense and myrrh.Gladys: What’s that stuff?Mrs O jr: Precious oils and fragrant resins. All the Herdmans: Oil? Ralph: What kind of a present is that? Gladys: What kind of a cheap king hands out oil for a present?Ollie: We get better presents from the firemen.Mrs. O jr: Let’s talk about King Herod, shall we? He was the king that sent the Wise Men to find the baby Jesus.Leroy: Did he send the crummy presents?Mrs Ojr: Worse than that, he planned to have the baby Jesus put to death.Imogene: He just got born and they’re already out to kill him?Claude: What did Herod look like? Was he really rich? Did he start wars? He must have been the main king if he made the other three do what he wanted them to do.Leroy: If I was a king I wouldn’t let some other king push me around.Gladys: You couldn’t help it if he was the main king.Leroy: I’d go be king somewhere else. Elmer Hopkins: I can see why the Herdmans are so interested in Herod. He was so mean he could have been their ancestor, Herod Herdman (all the other kids laugh).Ralph: Who’s gonna be Herod in this play? We want to beat him up. I hope it’s ElmerMrs. Ojr: Friends it’s time to go. (All the kids get up to leave. The Herdmans stay behind to say their lines)Leroy: That Herod should come to an ucky-mucky end.Ralph: Well what about those wise guys? They are just a bunch of dirty spies.Claude: Joseph should have set fire to the inn or chased the innkeeper to the next county.Scene 10 The Herdmans don’t get a library card (Library backdrop, bookshelves and table with six chairs)Kristine: None of us ever knew what happened to Herod the king. He was just a name in the bible. But the Herdmans went to the library to look him up.Imogene: How do I get a book out of the library?Mrs. Graebner: You need a card.Imogene: How do you get a card?Mrs. Graebner: You apply for it, and behave like a responsible member of our community.Imogene: Do you have to sign your own name? Mrs Graebner: Yes, of course, that is how we know who has the books. Ralph: We all want library cards.Mrs. Graebner: Why do you want library cards?Gladys: We want to read about Jesus.Leroy: No, we want to read about the king who was out to get Jesus. (Mrs. Graebner leads the children to a table and hands them several books)Mrs.Graebner (spotlighted and to the audience) I have been a librarian for thirty-eight years and loved every minute of it. Each day brought something new and interesting. Well, now I might as well retire because the Herdmans say they want to read about Jesus. I believe I have heard everything there is to hear. (Lights on the Herdman’s table)Ralph: It wasn’t just Jesus he was after. Herod killed all kinds of people.Leroy: He even killed his own wife.Ollie: And nothing happened to him?Gladys: Well, he died. Didn’t he? Maybe he died a horrible death.Ralph: It doesn’t say, flu, I guess.Claude: C’mon let’s get outta’ here. (All exit)Scene 11 Alice, her notebook and the final rehearsals. (Yellow backdrop with cross and stained glass windows. Narrators enter in front of black curtain)Kristine: One day we noticed Alice Wendleken writing in a notebook.Nathan: I asked her what she was writing about.Jessica: She told us it was none of our business, but we found out! She wrote stuff about Gladys Herdman drinking communion wine and that the Herdmans stole all of the pennies from the Happy Birthday Bank in the preschool room. (Enter Alice) Alice: And worst of all, every time you go in the girl’s room the whole air is blue and Imogene Herdman is sitting there in her Mary costume smoking cigars. Be sure to let your mom know I can step in and play Mary at any time. (Curtain opens to the church scene .A rehearsal is in progress. Everyone is in costume. The Herdmans are on stage as well as Mrs.O Jr. The shepherds have their bathrobes on, but are on the risers. The Angel choir have their wings on but are on the risers.)Imogene: Get away from the baby. (She shoves Ralph) And you three, keep your distance! (Points at the three Wise Men)Mrs Ojr: The Wise Men want to honor the Christ Child, as I have said ten times already. They don’t mean to harm him.Leroy: What if we didn’t go home another way? What if we went back to the king and told on the baby where he was and all.Ralph: He would murder Jesus. Old Herod would murder him.Imogene: He would not. (they start to fight and Mrs. O has to step in.)Gladys: Think about it… no Jesus… ever. (All are silent looking at Gladys lights out for a second?)Alice: I don’t think it’s very nice to talk about the baby Jesus being murdered. (She writes in her notebook and exits)Mrs.Ojr: Imogene we will be using a baby doll for Jesus.Imogene: Good, a doll can’t bite you.Mrs Ojr: Let’s get started. Imogene: I’ve got a baby here, and I named him Jesus.Mrs Ojr: No,no,no! Imogene nobody says anything in our pageant except the Angel of the Lord and the choir singing carols. Mary, Joseph and the Wise Men make a lovely picture to look at while we think about what Christmas means. Imogene: I think I ought to tell them what his name is. Ralph: I told you (he whacks Imogene on the back) I named him!Mrs Ojr: No, Joseph didn’t name the baby either. God sent an angel to tell Mary what his name should be.Imogene: I woulda’ named him Bill.Ralph: What angel was that? Was that Gladys?Mrs.Ojr: No, Gladys is the angel who comes to the shepherds with the news.Gladys: (announces) YEAH, UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN!Imogene: You mean unto me, not them, me! I’m the one that had a baby.Mrs.Ojr: It means Jesus was born for all of us.Alice: I know what the angel said. She said his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.Imogene: He’d never get out of the first grade if he had to write all of that.Scene 12 The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (Yellow backdrop, manger, stool for Mary to sit on)Nathan: Reverend Hopkins didn’t think anyone would come to our pageant.Kristine: But he was wrong.Jessica: Boy, was he wrong. Everyone came to see what the Herdmans would do. (Curtain opens on church background. Mrs. O and Mr. O are talking.)Mr.sOjr: We have never been through the whole thing. I don’t know what is going to happen.Mr.O: It might be the first Christmas pageant in history where Joseph and the Wise Men get in a fight, and Mary runs away with the baby.Mrs.Ojr: Very funny.Mr. O: Well, at least I’ll get a decent dinner after this. Mrs.Ojr: One can always dream. Dunkin Donuts is running a special this week. (All the shepherds in their bathrobes and angel choir in their wings enter. Next comes Alice and the narrators.)Nathan: The pageant began at 7:30. Everyone was in place. Kristine: Except the Herdmans (Enter the Herdmans who stand staring)Jessica: Suddenly they were there. They just stood there for a minute staring as if they weren’t sure they were in the right place. (Imogene and Ralph Herdman head toward the manger and Imogene has the doll slung over her shoulder. Her veil is crooked. She reaches the manger and burps the baby by thumping it twice on its back. A large burp is heard)Imogene & all song - “It’s Jesus You See”(Gladys comes from behind the angel choir pushing people out of the way and stepping on everyone’s feet. She comes center stage and hollers to the audience)Gladys: HEY, UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN. (Three Wise Men enter from the back of the PAC)Alice: What does Leroy have? I bet it’s something awful like their miserable excuse for a cat. Wanda Pierce: Wait! I think it’s a ham.Alice: I bet they stole that.Wanda Pierce: They did not! It came from their food basket.Ernestine Snookums: My father is on the charitable works committee they give away food baskets at Christmas.Alice: Claude and Ollie have something too.Wanda: They have donuts. Alice: Oh yes, I heard there was a fire at Delaney’s Department store in town. They probably got them thereWanda: Yeah, but they didn’t eat them! (Leroy drops the ham with a big thump in front of the manger, he kneels and bows his head to Imogene. Next Claude presents a box of donuts to the Christ Child and kneels next to Leroy. Finally Ollie presents his donuts and kneels and everything is silent for a moment. Imogene wipes her eyes. It is clear she is crying. The three get up and shake Joseph’s hand and clap him on the back then the Three Wise Men go and find a spot on the stage.)3 Kings & all song - Over My Head(Narrators step forward with Mr. O. and Mrs. O. jr) Mr. O: Well, you did it. It was the “Best Christmas Pageant” ever.Mrs.Ojr: Everyone says that but no one seems to know why.Nathan: I think it was because Christmas came to Imogene Herdman all at once. We’ve heard the story all of our lives, but she just realized what Jesus did for us tonight.Jessica: I loved the way Imogene played Mary. She was sort of nervous and bewildered but ready to clobber anyone who laid a hand on her baby. I’m going to think of Mary like that from now on.Kristine: She took the picture of Mary in the church vestibule.Mrs Ojr.: She asked. I told her it was ok.Jessica: What have you got, Mom?Mrs. Ojr: It’s the ham. They wouldn’t take it back. Ed, will you pick up the donuts? They didn’t want them either. We’ll have them for dinner tonightMrO jr: Ugh! Really? (They exit. Black Curtain closes Blue lights twinkly stars)Mrs. Opaleski: When we came out of the church that night it was cold and clear, with crunchy snow underfoot and bright, bright stars overhead. And I thought about the Angel of the Lord, Gladys, with her skinny legs and her dirty sneakers sticking out of her robe yelling at all of us everywhere. That was when I knew I had found a home amongst others who understood a Child was born for us… (Imogene enters stage pushing Gladys in front of her) Imogene: Last year, in 2019, we heard there wasn’t a Christmas Pageant at St.Francis. Something about church renlavations. Whatever that is. So we decided to remind you of the amazing gift of the baby Jesus this Spring. That’s the good news. Jesus’ gift has no expiration date. (She pushes Gladys forward.)Gladys: (arms up) HEY! UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN! (She points at the audience) Say it with me now! Don’t mess it up. On 3. (Gladys raises her arms) 1...2...3! Audience: HEY UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN. Closing Song: Cold December ................
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