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Self-Compassion: An Antidote to ShameOnline workshop with Chris GermerCenter for Mindful Self-CompassionMarch 2 & 4, 2021Connecting with the Wish to Be LovedInstructions“Please sit or lie down in a way that you feel comfortable and at ease.”“Take a few deep breaths, especially allowing for long, relaxing exhalations.”“Now, please bring an event to mind that made you feel embarrassed or somewhat ashamed. (A “2” or “3” on an intensity scale from 1-10.) Also, let it be a past event that is over and done. For example, perhaps” you said something foolish at an important meeting at work? you felt nervous were nauseous on a special dateyou were disrespected because of your gender, your age, or your abilityyou disrespected someone else’s identity you overreacted to something – anger, fear, grief - in a very public way”“Now, please reflect for a moment on what you were afraid others might have thought about you at the time. Can you give it a name? (pause) Perhaps you were afraid other people would consider you “stupid,” “insensitive,” “unkind,”” “weird,” or “defective”?” (pause) “This is already a sign that you wanted the people around you to consider you positively in their minds.” “Now let’s drop more deeply into your own experience – into your motivation. Why was this event was so distressing to you? In particular, what did you want from the people around you? Did you want their respect or appreciation? Did you want to be valued, to belong, to be included… even loved? (pause) What’s the best word for what you needed and wanted?”“We can go even deeper, if it feels right to you. If not, please allow yourself to disengage a bit from this exercise.” “If you want to deeper, see if you can visualize yourself as a newborn - an innocent baby who just took their first breath of air. (pause) Let yourself feel the tenderness, the messiness, the innocence, the need to be loved, as all children need to be loved (pause) Consider for a moment that this child continues to live within you, even now.” “Lingering with that feeling, now please recollect your shame experience. (pause) And now drop beneath the shame and see if you can connect with the same motivation—to be loved, or appreciated, or to belong, just as you did as a child? (pause) Can you allow yourself to see this eternal wish within you, as it is within all of us?” “Finally, let’s release this exercise and the images and the feelings, and just linger for a moment in our felt experience. (pause) What did you notice? What did you learn? Allowing your experience to have been just as it was. And allowing yourself to be, right now, in this moment, just as you are.”“And when you’re ready, gently opening your eyes.”Compassionate U-TurnInstructions“Please find a comfortable position and take a few deep, delicious breaths. Allow yourself to settle into your body and your chair.”Soft Gaze“Please bring to mind a face, especially the eyes, of a person whom you consider deeply compassionate. It could be a dog, a grandparent, a friend, a child, maybe even someone whom you saw a photo of that touched you. Visualize those eyes and let yourself bathe in the person or being’s gaze.”Soothing and Supportive Touch“Now let’s explore different kinds of touch, searching for the one that is the most soothing or supportive:Palms gently pressed against one anotherOne hand cupped in the otherTwo hands over the heartCupping one hand over a fist over the heart One hand over the heartGently stroking one’s chest, back and forth or in small circlesOne hand over the heart and one on the bellyTwo hands on the bellyOne hand on a cheekCradling one’s face in the handsCrossing one’s arms and giving a gentle hugGently stroking one’s armsCupping the hands in one’s lap”Gentle Vocalizations“Think for a moment what words you might need to hear right now in your life…words of encouragement, support, trust, kindness? Now whisper into your own ear words that you need to hear right now in your life. Do it in a warm and tender way, as you might to a person whom you love very much. Allow the words to saturate your being.”“Now let’s do all three expressions of compassion together, bathing in the compassionate gaze, giving yourself soothing and supportive touch, and offering yourself words that you need to hear right now.”“Finally, begin to let go of the practice and settle back into your body, feeling what’s there, allowing your experience to be just as it is and allowing yourself to be just as you are.”“And when you’re ready, gently opening your eyes.”Just Like MeThis practice can be practice found in the book, Walking Each Other Home (2018), by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush. The instructions have been modified to apply to the experience of shame. Also, when working with a difficult person, it might be helpful to start with oneself ((I have…”), and then end each phrase with “just like…so-and-so.”Instructions:Please bring to mind person to mind a difficult or challenging person in your life, perhaps even someone who makes you feel ashamed.Please, let it be a person who is moderately challenging, not your worst enemy. Visualize this person clearly in your mind.As you think about this person, please consider the following phrases:This person has a body and a mind, just like me. This person has feelings, emotions, and thoughts, just like me.This person has experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering, just like me.This person has at some time been sad, disappointed, angry, or hurt, just like me.This person has felt unworthy or inadequate, just like me.This person worries and is frightened sometimes, just like me.This person will die, just like me.This person has longed for friendship, just like me.This person is learning about life, just like me.This person wants to be caring and kind to others, just like me.This person wants to be content with what life has given them, just like me.This person wishes to be free from pain and suffering, just like me.This person wishes to be safe and healthy, just like me.This person wishes to be happy, just like me.This person wishes to be loved, just like me.Now, allow wishes for well-being to arise:I wish this person to have the strength, resources, and social support they need to navigate the difficulties in life with ease.I wish this person to be free from pain and suffering.I wish this person to be peaceful and happy.I wish this person to be loved . . . because this person is a fellow human being, just like me.Self-compassion Break for ShameInstructionsPlease settle into a comfortable position and close your eyes.Think of an event in your life – past or present - that makes you feel embarrassed or mildly ashamed, about a “3” on a scale from 1-10. For example:The stress of the pandemic is getting to you and you feel like a weak personYou feel ashamed that you have not returned a friend’s call for over one year now.You don’t have enough money to do some things with your friends, such as going to dinner.You are getting a divorce and think it reflects badly on youLet it be an event that you would prefer not to share with others because you imagine that they would think less of you.” And if you go from 3 to 10 on the intensity scale during the exercise, please go ahead and disengage from the instructions. Mindfulness “Please allow yourself to drop into the situation and to recall how it feels, or remember how you felt at the time. (Pause) Notice how embarrassment or shame feels in your body.”“Try labeling the experience for yourself in a gentle and kind way—“Shame…this is how shame feels.”“Now, seeing if you can discover where you feel shame the most in your body.” (Pause)“Allowing your experience to be as it is, perhaps making just a little more room than usual for the experience of shame in your body.” Common Humanity“Knowing that what you are experiencing now is part of the human experience. Everyone feels shame, and anyone would probably feel as you did in the same situation.”“You might also be feeling isolated and alone at this moment—that’s the nature of shame—but what you are experiencing right now is similar to everyone else in the room. Shame is a universal emotion.”“And please consider for a moment that you only feel like this because you, like everyone else on the planet, just want to be loved. Or to be appreciated, to belong—whatever word fits for you. Shame happens because we want so much to be loved and appreciated by others.”“Can you connect with that wish beneath the experience of shame? Can you give yourself permission to do so?” (Pause)Self-Kindness“Now let’s see if we can respond to shame in a new way. Can you give yourself some kindness simply because you’re having a moment of shame?”“If you like, remember what worked for you during the Compassionate U-Turn.”Perhaps imaging those compassionate eyes, that you had in mind a short while ago, gazing at you in the midst of your shame.” (pause)“Or if you like, go ahead and place a hand on the part of your body that feels shame the most. (Pause) Perhaps sending kindness through your fingers into that part of your body that is holding shame for you, or gently rubbing that part of your body.” (Pause)“Or imagine a dear friend who found themselves in the same embarrassing situation as you. What would you say to comfort or support your friend?” (Pause)“Can you say the same words to yourself? Can you whisper the same words into your own ear?” (Pause)“Now, let’s begin to release the practice, allowing the practice to settle (Pause), and when you’re ready, to slowly open your eyes.” ................
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