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Formal Self-AnalysisSelinda GarciaWestern Michigan UniversityFormal Self-AnalysisOn Friday, December 13th, 2013, I will officially complete my first semester of graduate school. A few years again, this would have been a far-fetched dream; a future that I would have never imagined possible. Yet, here I am, less than two weeks away from this milestone. This semester seems to have flown by quickly, and it feels like I had just started a few days ago. Three months ago, I didn’t have the knowledge I do know, and even though I’ve received a basic introduction to the field, I feel reassured that Student Affairs is the field that I want to continue to pursue. Looking back, and reading my first informal analysis, I realized that I’ve been through a lot more than I realize, and after a semester’s worth of theories, I can actually make connections, and understand my experience better. I have grown, personally, so much since the start of this semester, and a lot has to deal with my capacity to express myself emotionally, as well as allow others to make that emotional connection me. I believe that this has a little bit to do with the fact that I understand myself a little better now with the knowledge I’ve gained. Learning about the theories has also allowed me to try to come to terms with my newfound multiracial identity. Understanding theory connections has given me the opportunity to see this new knowledge through a different lens; and educational lens. Rereading my previous paper reminded me of other experience I had in my undergraduate career that have shaped the person I am today, and this paper will help me express those experiences, as well as make connections to the very theories we have discussed this semester.Experiences And Theory ConnectionsPrior to coming to Kalamazoo College, I had a hard time in my high school years. In high school, I was not part of the popular crowd, but I wasn’t entirely a loner. Attending an all Native American boarding school had its advantages, and its disadvantages. It helped create this idea that everyone shared a common connection, and that everyone should get along. However, this was not the case, cliques form, drama ensued, and I tried my best to stay away from it. During my sophomore year, I became the target of harassment, because I was involuntarily outted by a person who I had thought was a good friend. Being anything but heterosexual was not ok in my native community, and was not even more so in high school. I learned to deal with it, and ignore the comments. I just prayed that it wouldn’t get back to my family. Junior year, I suffered a huge loss; my mother passed away unexpectedly. It left me very emotionally unstable and guarded. By the time senior year came around, I was completely fed up with my high school, and wanted out. All those events are what encouraged me to take a leap of faith and go to a college that was completely different and far away from everything that I knew; that was what brought me to Kalamazoo College. Freshman yearChecking into the dorms was a nightmare, but once it was over, and I had unloaded everything from the car, I was ready to explore…without my family. I was eager to have them leave, but after they did, I felt a mixture of guilt and relief. As the year progressed, I began to explore the environment around me, an environment completely unknown to me. I had come from an atmosphere where it was native tradition in every aspect of my life, and suddenly, I found myself in a place where I was the only Native American in the entire student population at Kalamazoo College. During this time, I was shocked and angry at the blatant ignorance and racist remarks and questions that other students made and/or asked me.In thinking about my experiences during freshman year, I found that that I could relate to several different theories in different stages. First, and foremost, there is Chickering and Reisser’s (1993) theory of Identity development. Specifically drawing upon vector 1: developing competence, and vector 2: managing emotions, it is clear that how I handled myself in the face of racist remarks and questions displayed my developmental process. Here I was, on my own for the first time, in a different environment, learning how to navigate the Kalamazoo community, and learning how to properly respond to certain remarks made by my classmates. At first, I would get really offended, and either yell back at people or completely shut down and not defend myself or my views. As time went on, I learned to check my emotions, because my reactions could either portray a good or bad image of myself. I can also draw upon Gilligan’s (1977, 1986) Theory of Woman’s Moral Development, specifically stage 1, and Schlossberg’s (1995) Transition Theory, specifically the situation phase. With both theories, as I stated previously, I am experiencing a completely different environment, one that I was not used to in any context. I had to learn to adapt to my surroundings. I even relearned how to say certain phrases and words in ‘proper’ English because that was the kind of environment I was in. There was a point during freshman year where my friends asked me why I always put bits of food on the floor. It was hard to make them understand that back at home, that was how we honored our ancestors, by taking a little bit of our food, and praying with. Finally, one day, I got so tired of explaining it, that I stopped doing it. I gave in to the dominate culture and ‘gave up’ my cultural ways to avoid the scrutiny. The last two theories I wanted to draw a connection to were Phinney’s (1990) Model of Ethnic Identity Development, specifically stage 1, and Cass’s (1979, 1984) Model of Sexual Orientation Identity Formation, specifically stage 1: Confusion, and stage 2: Comparison. During this time, I was coming to terms with being a bisexual, Native American. I had already realized I was bisexual in high school, but since I had a bad experience of it, I didn’t fully trust people to come out openly. I also started to question my native culture because I felt like I was being watched all the time, and judged in some senses. Since there were no other Native Americans on campus, I felt a disconnection with my culture, and in some senses, I felt like I was losing it. Sophomore yearThe next year in college brought on more realizations and responsibilities. During this year, I became more involved in the campus community. I became a Resident Assistant in a freshman hall, I was the vice president of the Student Activities Committee, secretary of the Asian Student Association, and a member of Kaleidoscope (LGBT group). It was during this year that I became comfortable enough with people to come out as a bisexual on campus, and I was supported and welcomed. This can be related to Cass’s (1979, 1984) theory, specifically with stage 3: tolerance, and stage 4: acceptance. It was during this year that I had a meaningful relationship with a woman, and felt more connected to the LGBT community on campus. I felt like I was a part of the community, and not just claiming I was. That relationship also made me realize aspects of myself that I didn’t know I felt. I also came to terms with trying to balance my native culture, and blending in with the dominant white culture, even though sometimes, I stuck with my native culture more. There were moments however, when I denied aspects of myself, which can be related to Gilligan’s (1977, 1986) theory, level 2, in which denial of self is a process in which you try to blend and support the larger community. I wanted to fit in so bad, that I ignored by culture, which looking back now, I truly regret. Joining the Asian Student Association, the Student Activities Committee, Kaleidoscope, and being an RA all relate to Chickering and Reisser’s (1993) 3rd and 4th vectors of becoming independent, and mature and working towards becoming a stronger individual. Receiving the support from the LGBT community, as well as the Asian community for accepting me, falls in line with Schlossberg’s (1995) theory, specifically the self and support phases. Acknowledging myself, in some aspect, and seeking support, which I didn’t think I would receive helped me develop my sense of identity, although it wasn’t fully thought out, it was the beginning of the picture. Junior yearJunior year was undoubtedly the hardest year for me in the undergraduate career. This was the year that I mustered enough courage to come out to my family as a bisexual, and that I had a girlfriend. Chickering and Reisser’s (1993) vector 5 played a huge role in this year. I came to understand exactly who I was, and who I wanted to be. I established my identity. The hard part was deciding to come out to my family. I knew that this would not be accepted because of the strict cultural standards and rules we had. I leaned on my girlfriend at the time, as well as the other members of Kaleidoscope a lot for support and strength. I was in Cass’s (1979, 1984) stage 5: pride at this point. I took pride in myself, and finally loved my whole identity as a complete entity of myself. I was tired of hiding who I was and how I felt when I was with my family, and I felt ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t fully celebrate being with my girlfriend. Accepting and being proud of my identity also fell in line with Gilligan’s (1977, 1986) 3rd level, in which I accepted it knowing that people would not like nor approve of my selected lifestyle, yet, I didn’t care. Schlossberg’s (1995) support phase made a major appearance during this year. I never expected that I would receive as much support as I had from the people I considered friends and allies. This was especially true after I came out to my family, and I was all but disowned. I went through a stage of very sever depression, and thought nothing would change the way I felt. The support I receive however quickly changed that attitude. During junior year, I also stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to make friends with the undergraduates. Most of my friends went on student abroad and I stayed behind because of financial issues. I became the senior RA for a freshman dorm and developed bonds with some of my residents, specifically international students. I am not usually an open person, but I shared more of myself with these students that I had with my friends who I had known since my own freshman year. It was a great experience, however, once my friends returned, I found it difficult to balance my newfound friendships with the younger crowd and my friendships with peers in my own class and age. Senior yearThis brings me to my final year at Kalamazoo College. At this point, I was a highly motivated and confident individual. I was proud of my identity as a bisexual, Native American woman. The racial remarks and slurs that once angered me now did nothing but empower my desire to educate people about my race and heritage. When situations occurred where a remark was made, I used it as an opportunity to make a conversation about race, or sexual orientation, or what have you. I made an effort to try to make people understand. I no longer felt anger or bitterness, but instead, I felt pity, and sympathy. I believe I had reached the last stage in Phinney’s (1990) model, where I reached ethnic identity achievement. I embrace who I was with a love that I didn’t know I have before, and I used that to my advantage to educate. Senior year was also the year that I decided to close myself off emotionally to any romantic relationships. I had one too many bad experiences with both men and women, and didn’t want to deal with the drama and pain of going through yet another horrible break up. I turned down any offers of dates or any invitation that could be perceived as a date. I could see this as a regression, and fall back to the first stage of Gilligan’s (1977, 1986) theory. I was more focused on keeping my emotions in check, and keeping myself being getting hurt, that after a while, my demeanor could be perceived as cold and hostile. I was preoccupied with keeping my emotional well being stable that I didn’t care or see that my actions hurt and/or turn others off. I denied myself the opportunities to build an emotional, romantic connection because I was afraid of the pain that could come with that territory. This also applied to how I allowed people in general into my closed off life. I was particular with who I let in, and who I let myself develop connections to. It hindered my ability to grow and develop as an individual, and greatly hurt my ability to explore my capabilities of developing a romantic relationship, in which I allowed myself to explore what I truly wanted and desired in a partner. My life currentlyToday, I still struggle with allowing people in, and trusting people, especially in romantic situations. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ve let the fear of getting hurt cripple me in developing into a confident and strong individual. I’ve denied myself that experience of experiencing happiness with a significant other. Recently, however, I’ve taken some time to really think about my life in all aspects, ranging from my family, my education, my friendships, my work environment, and my own personal feelings. I’m fairly content in how those areas are going right now, but I can’t help but feel a sense of longing for those aspects of a relationship that I’ve begun to miss. In thinking about Chickering and Reisser’s (1993) theory, I cannot fully establish my identity until I develop the tools to create a healthy, intimate relationship. I am not stating that I need to do so because the theory tells me to; I am simply saying that in order to fully love and embrace my identity, I need to learn to allow others in, emotionally and romantically. It may be because it seems like everyone around me is either getting married or having children, but I found myself longing for that romantic connection. I want it for myself, which is a huge step for me to acknowledge that about myself. It’s terrifying, but its something I miss and desire for. A meaningful, intimate relationship doesn’t have to be the big, scary thing I make it out to be. This isn’t the only new development in my life that I’ve had to try to come tot terms with. Recently, I found out that I was adopted. It was a complete bombshell, and I didn’t really have the time to delve into what that meant for my life, because 2 weeks after I found out, I started graduate school, and shortly after that, I started a job. Writing this paper has given me the opportunity to reflect on that unexpected hurdle. All my life, I believed I was Native American, and now, I find that I’m only a quarter, and mostly Hispanic. I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to embrace that part of myself, or to just leave it in the back of my mind for me to dwell on later. I feel like I’ve regressed to the first stages of Schlossberg’s (1995) theory and Phinney’s (1990) model, where I am confused and dealing with something I’ve never dealt with before. It’s still going to be awhile before I fully come to embrace that identity, but I’ve taken the first steps and have acknowledged the fact that it’s now a part of my life. Personal Development Doesn’t StopAll the theories I’ve related my experiences to have a connection, they all helped me develop as a person during my undergraduate career, as well as, my graduate career. There are a multitude of theories that I could also apply to my experiences, but I feel that those I listed express my life experiences more holistically. My undergraduate career may be over, but my graduate career has just started, and my development is still on going. Each day, I experience something new, and it can either be good or bad, but either way, it helps me develop into the person I want to be eventually. I still have plenty of growing up and developing to do, but to be honest, I don’t feel my age, and there are dozens of times when I act like a complete child incapable of being considered an adult, let alone a professional. Recognizing that I am capable of developing a romantic relationship, and trusting people is a huge step for me. It is something that includes having a lot of fear and uncertainty, but it just comes with the territory of growing as a person, and developing my identity. Coming to terms with my new multiracial heritage is also another huge milestone for me. It’s not going to be dealt with in a day or two; it’s going to take time, and lots of self-reflection. Learning all these theories has definitely made it easier to understand what that means for my life, but I still need time to process. I understand that completing one semester of theories does not, by any means, make me an expert of any sort. I could be completely wrong in my application of theories to my own personal experiences, important thing to recognize is that I am trying. I’ve just learned the basics, and I have a lot more to learn. It’s going to be a bumpy journey and there will be plenty more opportunities for me to feel awkward and uncomfortable, but that’s the only effect way to grow and develop as a person. Realizing your personal flaws is a great first step into recognizing and embracing your identity. ReferencesChickering, A.W., & Reisser, L. (1993b). The seven vectors: An overview. In A.W. Chickering & L. Reisser, Education and Identity (2nd ed., pp. 43-52). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.Evans, N.J., Forney, D.S., Guido, F.M., Patton, L.D., & Renn, K.A. (2010). Student development in college: Theory, research, and practice (2nd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.Torres, V., Howard-Hamilton, M.F., & Cooper, D.L. (2003). Identity development of diverse populations: Implications for teaching and administration in higher education. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. ................
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