Self-Esteem



General Guidelines for Identifying and Countering Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is nothing more than an accumulation of self-limiting mental habits. You can begin to break these habits by noticing occasions when you engage in unconstructive dialogues with yourself and then countering them, preferably in writing, with more positive, rational statements. It took repetition over many years to internalize your habits of negative self-talk; it will likewise take repetition and practice to learn more constructive and helpful ways of thinking.

Follow the steps are below:

1. Notice:”Catch yourself in the act” of engaging in negative self-talk. Be aware of situations that are likely to be precipitated or aggravated by negative self-talk. For example:

← Any occasion when you’re feeling anxious, including the onset of a panic attack (watch for the Worrier and the cognitive distortions of overestimating and catastrophizing).

← Anticipation of having to face a difficult task or a phobic situation (again the Worrier, overestimating, and catastrophizing play a large role).

← Occasions when you’ve made some kind of mistake and feel critical of yourself (watch for the Critic and overgeneralizing, filtering, and should statements.

← Occasions when you’re feeling depressed or discouraged (watch for the Victim, overestimating, catastrophizing, filtering, and overgeneralizing).

← Situations where you’re angry at yourself or others (watch for the Critic, the Perfectionist, and any of the above-described cognitive distortions).

← Situations where you feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed (watch especially for the Perfectionist and should statements).

2. Stop: Ask yourself any or all of the following questions:

← “What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?”

← “Do I really want to do this to myself?”

← “Do I really want to stay upset?”

If the answer to the last two questions is no, proceed.

Realize that sometimes your answers may be yes. You may actually wish to continue to be upset rather than change the underlying self-talk. Often this is because you’re having strong feelings that you haven’t allowed yourself to fully express. It’s common to stay anxious, angry, or depressed for a period of time when there are strong feelings that you haven’t fully acknowledged—let alone expressed.

If you’re feeling too upset to easily undertake the task of identifying and countering self-talk, give yourself the opportunity to acknowledge and express your feelings. If there’s no one available to share them with, try writing them down in a journal. When you’ve calmed down and are ready to relax, proceed with the steps below. (See Chapter 13 for more guidelines and strategies.)

Another reason you may maintain your anxiety is because you perceive a strong need to “keep everything under control”. Often you’re overestimating some danger or preparing for an imagined catastrophe—and so staying tense and vigilant is the way in which you give yourself a sense of control. Your vigilance is validated by the feeling of control it gives you. Unfortunately, in the process you can make yourself more and more tense until you reach a point where your mind seems to race out of control, and you dwell on danger and catastrophe almost to the exclusion of anything else. This, in turn, leads to more anxiety and tension. The only way out of this vicious cycle is to let go and relax. The next step, relaxation, is crucial for you to be able to slow down your mind and sort out patterns of negative self-talk.

3. Relax: Disrupt your train of negative thoughts by taking some deep abdominal breaths or using some methods of distraction. The point is to let go, slow yourself down, and relax. Negative self-talk is so rapid, automatic, and subtle that it can escape detection if you’re feeling tense, speeded up, and unable to slow down. You’ll find it difficult to recognize and undo such self-talk by merely thinking about it: it’s necessary to physically relax first. In extreme cases, it may take 15-20 minutes of deep relaxation, using breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation, to slow yourself down enough so that you can identify what you’ve been telling yourself. If you’re not excessively wound up, you can probably do this step in a minute or two.

4. Write down the negative self-talk or inner dialogue that led you to feel anxious, upset, or depressed. It’s often difficult to decipher what you’re telling yourself by merely reflecting on it. It can be confusing to try to think about what you’ve just been thinking. The act of writing things down will help to clarify what specific statements you actually made to yourself.

This step may take some practice to learn. It’s important in identifying self-talk to be able to disentangle thoughts from feelings. One way to do this is to write down just the feelings first and then uncover the thoughts which led to them. As a general rule, feeling statements contain words expressing emotions such as “scared,” “hurt,” and “sad,” while self-talk statements do not contain such words. For example, the statement “I feel stupid and irresponsible” is one in which thoughts and feelings are still entangled. It can be broken down into a particular feeling (“I feel upset,” or “I feel disappointed”) and the thoughts (or self-talk) which logically produce such feelings (“I’m stupid,” or “I’m irresponsible”).

To give another example, the statement “I’m too scared to undertake this” mixes a feeling of fear with one or more thoughts. It can be broken down into the feeling (“I’m scared”) which arises from the negative self-statement (“This is unmanageable,” or “I can’t undertake this”). You can ask yourself first, “What was I feeling?” Then ask, “What thoughts were going through my mind to cause me to feel the way I did?”

Always keep in mind that self-talk consists of thoughts, not feelings. Most of the time these thoughts are judgments or appraisals of a situation or yourself. The feelings are emotional reactions that result from these judgments and appraisals.

5. Identify the type of negative self-talk you engaged in (is it from the Worrier, the Critic, the Victim, or the Perfectionist?). Also, look for any cognitive distortions that were present (such as overestimating, catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, and filtering). After doing this for a while, you’ll become aware of the particular types of negative inner dialogue and particular types of cognitive distortions you’re especially prone to use. With practice, you’ll identify them more quickly when they come up.

6. Answer or dispute your negative self-talk with positive, rational, self-supportive statements. Answer each negative statement you’ve written by writing down an opposing, positive statement. These counterstatements should be worded so that they avoid negatives, are in the present tense, and in the first person. They should also be believable and feel good to you (in other words you should feel comfortable with them).

In other instances, you may imagine a positive counterstatement immediately, without going through a process of rational questioning. This is fine, so long as you have some degree of belief in your counterstatement.

Types of Negative Self-Talk

Not all negative self-talk is the same. Human beings are not only diverse but complex, with multifaceted personalities. These facets are sometimes referred to as “subpersonalities”. Our different subpersonalities each play their own distinct role and possess their own voice in the complex workings of consciousness, memory, and dreams. Below I’ve outlined four of the more common subpersonality types that tend to be prominent in people who are prone to anxiety: the Worrier, the Critic, the Victim, and the Perfectionist. (These subpersonalities are based on Reid Wilson’s descriptions of the Worried, Critical, and Hopeless Observers in his book Don’t Panic: Taking Control of Anxiety Attacks.) Since the strength of these inner voices varies for different people, you might find it useful to rank them from strongest to weakest in yourself.

1. The Worrier (promotes anxiety)

Characteristics: Usually this is the strongest subpersonality in people who are prone to anxiety. The Worrier creates anxiety by imagining the worst-case scenario. It scares you with fantasies of disaster or catastrophe when you imagine confronting something you fear. It also aggravates panic by reacting to the first physical symptoms of a panic attack. The Worrier promotes your fears, that what is happening is dangerous or embarrassing (“What if I have a heart attack?!” “What will they think if they see me?!”).

In short, the Worrier’s dominant tendencies include 1) anticipating the worst, 2) over-estimating the odds of something bad or embarrassing happening and 3) creating grandiose images of potential failure or catastrophe. The Worrier is always vigilant, watching with uneasy apprehension for any small symptoms or signs of trouble.

Favorite Expression: By far the favorite expression of the Worrier is “what if...”

Examples: Some typical dialogue from the Worrier might include: “Oh no, my heart’s starting to beat faster! What if I panic and lose complete control of myself?” “What if I start stammering in the middle of my speech?” “What if they see me shaking?” “What If I’m alone and there’s nobody to call?” “What if I just can’t get over this phobia?” or “What if I’m restricted from going to work for the rest of my life?”

2. The Critic (promotes low self-esteem)

Characteristics: The Critic is that part of you which is constantly judging and evaluating your behavior (and in this sense may seem more “apart” from you than the other subperson-alities). It tends to point out your flaws and limitations whenever possible. It jumps on any mistake you make to remind you that you’re a failure. The Critic generates anxiety by putting you down for not being able to handle your panic symptoms, for not being able to go places you use to go, for being unable to perform at your best, or for having to be dependent on someone else. It also likes to compare you with others and usually sees them coming out favorably. It tends to ignore your positive qualities and emphasizes your weaknesses and inadequacies. The Critic may be personified in your own dialogue as the voice of your mother or father, a dreaded teacher, or anyone who wounded you in the past with their criticism.

Favorite Expression: “What a disappointment you are!” “That was stupid!”

Examples: Typical of the Critic’s self-talk are statements such as the following: “You’re so stupid” (The Critic relishes negative labels). “Can’t you ever get it right?” “Why are you always this way?” “Look at how capable is,” or “You could have done better”.

3. The Victim (promotes depression)

Characteristics: The Victim is that part of you which feels helpless or hopeless. It generates anxiety by telling you that you’re not making any progress, that your condition is incurable, or that the road is too long and steep for you to have a real chance at recovering. The Victim also plays a major role in creating depression. The Victim believes that there is something inherently wrong with you: you are in some ways deprived, defective, or unworthy. The Victim always perceives insurmountable obstacles between you and your goals. Characteristically, it complains, and regrets things as they are at present. It believes that nothing will ever change.

Favorite Expressions: “I can’t,” “I’ll never be able to.”

Examples: The Victim will say such things as: “I’ll never be able to do that, so what’s the point in even trying?” “I feel physically drained today—why bother doing anything?” “Maybe I could have done it if I’d had more initiative ten years ago—but it’s too late now.”

4. The Perfectionist (promotes chronic stress and burnout)

Characteristics: The Perfectionist is a close cousin of the Critic, but its concern is less to put you down than to push you to do better. It generates anxiety by constantly telling you that your efforts aren’t good enough, that you should be working harder, that you should always have everything under control, should always be competent, should always be pleasing, should always be (fill in whatever you keep telling yourself that you “should” do or be). The Perfectionist is the hard-driving part of you that wants to be best and is intolerant of mistakes or setbacks. It has a tendency to try to convince you that your self-worth is dependent on externals such as vocational achievement, money and status, acceptance by others, being loved, or your consistent ability to be pleasing and nice to others regardless of what they do. The Perfectionist isn’t convinced by any notions of your inherent self-worth, but instead pushes you into stress, exhaustion, and burnout in pursuit of its goals. It likes to ignore warning signals from your body.

Favorite Expressions: “I should,” “I have to,” “I must.”

Examples: The Perfectionist may provide such instructions as “I should always be on top of things,” “I should always be considerate and unselfish,” “I should always be pleasant and nice,” “I have to (get this job, make this amount of money, receive ‘s approval etc.) or I’m not worth much.” (See the discussion of “should statements” at the end of the next section.)

Exercise: What Are Your Subpersonalities Telling You?

Take some time to think about how each of the above subpersonalities plays a role in your thinking, feelings, and behavior. First, estimate how much each one affects you by rating its degree of influence from “not at all” to “very much” on a six-point scale (see the worksheets below). Which subpersonality is strongest and which is weakest for you? Then think about what each subpersonality is saying to you to create or aggravate anxiety in each of four different situations.

1. Work (in other words, on your job, at school, or in other performance situations).

2. Personal Relationships (with your spouse or partner, parents, children, and/or friends).

3. Anxiety Symptoms (on occasions where you experience panic, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms).

4. Phobic Situations (either in advance of facing a phobia or while actually confronting the phobic situation).

Here are some examples for each subpersonality:

The Worrier

Work: “What if my boss finds out that I have agoraphobia? Will I get fired?”

Relationships: “My husband is getting tired of having to take me places. What if he refuses? What if he leaves me?”

Anxiety Symptoms: “What if they see me panic? What if they think I’m weird?”

Phobic Situation: “What if I get into an accident the first time I try to drive on the freeway?”

Use the worksheets at the end of the package to write down anxiety-provoking statements your sub-personalities are using in each of the above situations. Only include those sub-personalities and situations which you suspect are a problem for you.

Monitor what your subpersonalities are telling you for at least one week. Pay attention to occasions where you are feeling anxious (panicky), depressed, self-critical and ashamed. Look for the thoughts that were going through your mind that led you to feel the way you did. “I felt scared” is not a good example of self-talk because it doesn’t indicate what you were thinking (telling yourself) that caused you to feel scared. When you’ve identified what you were telling yourself that provoked anxiety or caused you to feel upset, write it down in the ”Negative Self-Talk” column of the appropriate subpersonality and situation.

Countering Negative Self-Talk

The most effective way to deal with the negative self-talk of your Worrier and other subpersonalities is to counter it with positive, supportive statements. Countering involves writing down and rehearsing positive statements which directly refute or invalidate your negative self-talk. If you’re creating anxiety and other upsetting emotional states through negative mental programming, you can begin to change the way you feel by substituting positive programming. Doing this will take some practice. You’ve had years to practice your negative self-talk and naturally have developed some very strong habits. Your Worrier and other subpersonalities are likely to be very well entrenched. By starting to notice when you’re engaging in negativity, and then countering it with positive, supportive statements to yourself, you’ll begin to turn your thinking around. With practice and consistent effort, you’ll change both the way you think and feel on an ongoing basis.

Sometimes countering comes naturally and easily. You are ready and willing to substitute positive, reasonable self-statements for ones that have been causing you anxiety and distress. You’re more than ready to relinquish negative mental habits that aren’t serving you. On the other hand, you may object to the idea of countering and say, “But what if what my Worrier (Critic, Victim, or Perfectionist) says is true? It’s hard for me to believe otherwise.” Or you may say, “How can I substitute positive self-statements for negative ones if I don’t really believe them?”

Perhaps you’re strongly attached to some of your negative self-talk. You’ve been telling yourself these things for years and it’s difficult to give up both the habit and the belief. You’re not someone who’s easily persuaded. If that’s the case, and you want to do something about your negative self-talk, it’s important that you subject it to rational scrutiny.

Rules for Writing Positive Counterstatements

1. Avoid negatives in writing your counterstatements. Instead of saying, “I’m not going to panic when I board the plane,” try, “I am confident and calm about boarding the plane”. Telling yourself something will not happen is more likely to create anxiety than giving yourself a direct affirmation.

2. Keep counterstatements in the present tense (“I can breathe and let these feelings pass” is preferable to “I will feel better in a few minutes”). Since much of your negative self-talk is in the here-and-now, it needs to be countered by statements that are also in the present tense. If you’re not ready to directly affirm something, try beginning your positive statement with: “I am willing to ...,” “I am learning to ...,” “I am coming ...,” “I can.....”

3. Wherever possible, keep your statements in the first person. Begin them with “I” or refer to “I” somewhere in the statement. It’s O.K. to write a sentence or two explaining the basis for your counterstatement (see the previous examples of counterstatements for the Worrier and Critic), but try to end with an I-statement.

4. It’s important that you have some belief in your positive self-talk. Don’t write something down just because it’s positive if you don’t actually believe it.

To get you started, here are some more examples of positive counterstatements you can use with each of the above subpersonalities:

The Worrier

Instead of “What if ...” you can say, “So what,” “I can handle this,” “I can be anxious and still do this,” “This may be scary, but I can tolerate a little anxiety, knowing that it will pass,” “I’ll get used to this with practice,” or “I can retreat if necessary.”

The Critic

Instead of putting yourself down, you can say, “I’m O.K. the way I am,” “I’m lovable and capable,” “I’m a unique and creative person,” “I deserve the good things in life as much as anyone else,” “I accept and believe in myself,” or “I am worthy of the respect of others.”

The Victim

Instead of feeling hopeless, you can say, “I don’t have to be all better tomorrow,” “I can continue to make progress one step at a time,” “I acknowledge the progress I’ve made and will continue to improve,” “It’s never too late to change,” or “I’m willing to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty”.

The Perfectionist

Instead of demanding perfection, you can say, “It’s O.K. to make mistakes,” “Life is too short to be taken too seriously,” “Setbacks are part of the process and an important learning experience,” “I don’t have to always be __________,” “My needs and feelings are as important as anyone else’s.”

Working with Counterstatements

Now you are ready to go back and counter all of the negative statements you recorded on the worksheets for your various subpersonalities. Write down counterstatements corresponding to each negative statement in the right-hand column. Use extra sheets of paper if you need to.

Once you’ve completed writing out positive self-talk for each subpersonality in each situation, there are several ways you can work with your positive counterstatements.

1. Read through your list of positive counterstatements slowly and carefully for a few minutes each day for at least two weeks. See if you can feel some conviction about their truth as you read them. This will help you to integrate them more deeply into your consciousness.

2. Make copies of your worksheets and post them in a conspicuous place. Take time once a day to carefully read through your positive counterstatements.

3. Put your counterstatements on tape, leaving about five seconds between each consecutive positive statement so that it has time to sink in. You can significantly enhance the effect of such a tape by giving yourself 10-15 minutes to become very relaxed before listening to your counterstatements. You will be more receptive to them in a relaxed state. You may want to record the instructions for progressive muscle relaxation (see Chapter 4) or one of the relaxing visualizations described in Chapter 12 on the first 10-15 minutes of the tape.

Disrupting Negative Self-Talk: Short Form

In many situations, however, you may neither have the time nor opportunity to write down negative self-talk and positive counterstatements. Follow the three steps below whenever you wish to disrupt a negative train of thought “on the spot”.

1. Notice that you are engaging in negative self-talk. The best time to catch yourself involved in a negative inner dialogue is when you are feeling anxious, depressed, self-critical, or upset in general.

2. Stop: Ask yourself any or all of the following questions:

“What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?”

“Do I really want to do this to myself?”

“Do I really want to stay upset?”

3. Relax or Distract: In order to break a train of negative self-talk, you need to “switch gears”. This can be accomplished by slowing yourself down with deep, abdominal breathing or by finding some form of distraction to divert your mind from negative thoughts. Often doing something physical (such as exercise, dancing, or household chores) will have the greatest power to distract because it moves you out of your head and into your body. Other ready forms of distraction include engaging in conversation, reading, hobbies and games, relaxation tapes, and music.

Practicing over a period of weeks, you can then begin to effectively change your lifelong habits of negative thinking that arise from the subpersonalities and cognitive distortions described.

Further Reading

Barlow, David, and Craske, Michelle. Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic. Albany, New York: Graywind Publications, 1989. (See especially Chapters 7, 8, and 9.)

Beck, Aaron T. Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: Meridian, 1979.

Beck, Aaron T., and Emery, Gary. Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective. New York: Basic Books, 1981. (This book is primarily intended for helping professionals.)

Bourne, Edmund J. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. (2nd ed.), 1995

Burns, David. Feeling Good. New York: Signet, 1981. (The classic popular book on cognitive distortions.)

Ellis, A., and Harper, R. A Guide to Rational Living. North Hollywood. California: Wilshire Books, 1961.

Helmstetter, Shad. What To Say When You Talk To Yourself. New York: Pocket Books, 1982.

Helmstetter, Shad. The Self-Talk Solution. New York: Pocket Books, 1987. (Both of Helmstetter’s books are timely and easy to read.)

McKay, Matthew, Davis, Martha; and Fanning, Patrick. Thoughts and Feelings: The Art of Cognitive Stress Intervention. Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publications, 1981. (See especially Chapters 2 and 3.)

McKay, Matthew, and Fanning, Patrick. Self-Esteem. Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publications, 1987.

Woolfolk, Robert L., and Richardson, Frank C. Stress, Sanity and Survival. New York: Signet, 1978. (See Chapter 7.)

Subpersonality: The Worrier

Affects me:

Not at all 1 2 3 4 5 6 Very much

Negative Self-Talk Positive Counterstatements

Situation:

Work/School:

Relationships:

Anxiety Symptoms:

(Give this special attention

if you have panic attacks)

Worries:

(Determine the Worrier’s

self-talk for each of your

phobias—use a separate

sheet if necessary)

Subpersonality: The Critic

Affects me:

Not at all 1 2 3 4 5 6 Very much

Negative Self-Talk Positive Counterstatements

Situation:

Work/School:

Relationships:

Anxiety Symptoms:

Worries:

Subpersonality: The Victim

Affects me:

Not at all 1 2 3 4 5 6 Very much

Negative Self-Talk Positive Counterstatements

Situation:

Work/School:

Relationships:

Anxiety Symptoms:

Worries:

Subpersonality: The Perfectionist

Affects me:

Not at all 1 2 3 4 5 6 Very much

Negative Self-Talk Positive Counterstatements

Situation:

Work/School:

Relationships:

Anxiety Symptoms:

Worries:

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