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Intimate Relationships - DivorceHHS4U Blyth FairbloomTop 10 Characteristics That People Want in a PartnerHonesty Kindness Respect _______________Humor Dependability ________________Values Religious Commonality Communication Marital SatisfactionInfluenced by each partner’s degree of commitment to maintaining the relationshipImproved when each partner has a healthy self-identity, and functions as a secure individual within the relationship__________________________________________________________________Homogenous spouses tend to have fewer conflicts and greater satisfaction because they share similar interests and valuesResolving the psychological “___________________________,” and “_______________________” crises are important milestones of new marriagesConflict TheoryExplain the source of conflict as a power inequity between the partnersEach person attempts to resolve the conflict in a way that benefits him or her, which can lead to power inequities. Top 8 Reasons People MarryFeeling that marriage signifies commitment Moral values Belief that children should have married parents It is the natural thing to do ________________________Religious beliefs Pressure from _____________ Pressure from ______________ Source: Reginald Bibby, A Canadian Hopes & Dreams, published by the Vanier Institute of the Family, 2004 Top 5 Reasons Why Couples DivorceDifferent values & beliefs Abuse – physical & emotional Alcohol & drugs Infidelity Career-related conflict Source: Reginald Bibby, A Canadian Hopes & Dreams, published by the Vanier Institute of the Family, 2004 Why Couples are Breaking Up?By Donna McCloskey (Transition Dec. 1997) “Do your own thing” individualism has eroded the sanctity of marriage Married too young Knowing you partner for only a short time before marriage Women earning their moneyStages of Separation / DivorceThe first year of marriage is often happyThe separation rate rises abruptly afterward, until the fourth yearThe approximate length of legal marriages in Canada that end in divorce is 14.2 yearsSteps: Deciding to divorcePlanning the breakupSeparation and family reorganizationEconomic IssuesSeparation / divorce can be very expensiveTwo households instead of one (rent, mortgage, utilities)Need for second set of furnishings, appliances, transportationLegal feesCustody IssuesIn historic English _________________ children were property of their fatherMothers were given custody of children beginning in the 19th centuryCustody decisions now are based on the best interests of the child (often mother)_____________ is becoming the normMany custody agreements are made ___________ of the court systemWhat happens to people who divorce? _____________ after the divorce, couples are still not settled, so they are not happy More complicated; more depleting; more lonely than they expect Decline in the standard of living Many women are far behind their ex-husband in terms of education & job experience – most never catch up Non-custodial ___________finds his role in his children’s lives somewhat diminished What happens to people who divorce? Divorced man has a larger pool of potential mates than the divorced women Women are _______ likely to report psychological symptoms, far more men received repeated or long-term psychiatric hospitalization More divorced men kill themselves than __________ womenWhat can we do about divorce? Two-tiered system that would make it harder for parents to get a divorce Make divorce counseling or courses mandatory before you can get a divorce Increase public awareness using the radio, TV to encourage divorcing parents to cooperate in the best interest of their children What can we do about divorce? Offer more and better courses on how to have a good marriage Intensive marriage education in high school More people should have access to subsidized counseling through employee assistance plansDivorce in CanadaFew countries do not permit divorce There are no written laws on divorce among Natives prior to European arrival Between _______________, the only effective ground for divorce was adultery Canadian laws derived from English common law where a double law existedBecause divorce was difficult to obtain: Some sought it in Mexico or USA Some fabricated adultery Some simply separatedDivorce Act 1968Grounds included: Addiction to drugs, alcohol Desertion for not less than 5 years Separation for not less than 3 years Marital offence – adultery, physical, mental, cruelty Divorce rate in Canada lower than in UK, USA Median age for divorce has declined Average length of marriage for those seeking divorce is 10.7 years - 1985 Rates are highest in Alberta & BC and lowest in NFLD & PEI Mental or physical cruelty Adultery Living separate for 1 year Divorce FactsMore than ______ of marriages end in divorce The older you are when you marry the more likely you are stay married Average age of males & females at the time of divorce was 39, 37 Federal law – must reside in province 1 year before filing Can file immediately if adultery or abuse involved Spousal support is based on level of income, length of marriage and is payable if, as a consequence of the divorce, there is an economic difference between parties – could be 5 year of lifetime depending on many factors Must equalize assets that each party is receiving half What about the kids? Children are more affected by ongoing fights, lower standard of living, a move to a new Neighborhood or mommy’s or daddy’s new “friend” that by the divorce per se Preschoolers plagued by nightmares, teens 3x more likely to be in psychological counseling, 5x more likely to be suspended or expelled from school As adults, many avoid intimacy because they fear abandonment, less likely to earn a good income and are more likely to get divorced themselves ChildrenDecrease likelihood of __________Childless CouplesThese couples often have delayed or foregone having children due to problemsSome couples choose delay having children to work on their relationship (but then may never reach that point)Sometimes adding children to a family creates more motivation to stay marriedSex SocializationCouples with boys are less likely to divorceWhen a _______________, the father may become displaced from the family. The son needs the father as a role model – or at least a father figure. The mother will almost always be with the children, specifically the daughter who does not need their father as a role model as much as the son would. The negative effect of divorce on children varies considerably:Age of childCircumstances of __________Amicability of divorceThere is a greater risk of delinquency for children of divorceEmotional distress, underachievement, promiscuity of childrenAge of Child_____________Thought to suffer the most, but for a short period. They do not really understand what is going on and can more easily adapt. Elementary SchoolOften feel responsible for family breakup (this age group is self-centered and thinks the world revolves around them)AdolescentsTend to be relieved at the end of continuing conflictExperiment with _______ and/or drugsMay leave home earlier, especially if there is a step family or remarriageChildren40% of children have a difficult time bouncing back – scarred, resentful Gender & _______ of child are influencing factors Children can’t take severe, prolonged conflict on a continuing basis Children need to feel assurance that it’s not their faultExternal vs. InternalExternal DisordersAggression; Disobedience; Problem behavior directed outwardBoys are more prone to acting out, behavior problems Internal DisordersDepression; Anxiety; Withdrawal; Problem behavior directed inwardGirls typically turn inward with distrust, become overly dependent on maleChildrenDivorce is good for parents and bad for children – have to mourn and rebuild Custody & access regulated by Children’s Law Reform Act Children from divorced homes were lower in self-esteem, school performance, confidence in their future As adults many avoid intimacy because they fear abandonment Report low levels of satisfaction with leisure activities, friendship and family life More likely to get divorced themselves Life Changes After Divorce_______________Directly related to economic instabilityAffects children’s relationship with relativesMost women have difficulty making income after divorceLead family to be in lower income groupNot as much access to resourcesStress-inducing changes occur (new school, mom starting work)Changes in _______________with parentsDecline in standard of livingJournalWould you remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children? What are your thoughts, feelings and concerns about divorce? ................
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