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Know Your Number: Two Session Introduction to the EnneagramKeith Memorial United Methodist ChurchMay 29 / June 5, 2019Session TwoJesus in Relationship with sisters Martha and Mary – John 11Relationship Reminders for Being Yourself in Relationship with Others(geared more toward romantic relationships/dating but also applicable more broadly)from ONE:?The Perfectionist. Ethical, dedicated and reliable, Ones are motivated by a desire to live the right way, improve the world, and avoid fault and blame.Relationship reminder:?Embrace spontaneity and joy by proposing a?spontaneous date. Take the pressure off by releasing control of expectations and outcomes. The world won’t fall apart when you kick your heels back.TYPE TWO:?The Helper. Warm and empathetic, twos are motivated by a need to be loved and needed and are always busy befriending strangers and sustaining their social networks.Relationship reminder:?Try not to be absorbed by the needs of your significant other and step outside the box momentarily to ask: “How am I doing?”?Fight the urge?to jump in and fix other people’s problems, even if you’re good at it.TYPE THREE:?The Performer. Success-oriented, image-conscious and wired for productivity, threes are driven by a need to succeed at all costs, and to avoid failure.Relationship reminder:?Know that someone’s appreciation of you isn’t always tied to your accomplishments. You have a lot of depth to offer. Be committed to making authentic connections over leading with your career prestige or social status.TYPE FOUR:?The Romantic. Fours are prodigious in their creativity and expression but are particularly sensitive to being misunderstood. They have tendencies to be overly dramatic or stuck in their emotions.Relationship reminder:?Take stock of your emotions but don’t always choose to enter into them. Use your powers of perception to put yourself in your date’s shoes and see things from their side of the table.TYPE FIVE:?The Observer. Analytical, detached and private, fives are motivated by a need to gain knowledge, conserve energy and detach from the expectations of others so they can engage in intellectual pursuits.Relationship reminder:?Don’t be afraid of getting “pulled in” close by another. Your feelings aren’t too much for someone else to handle. You have what it takes to be good at relationships when you move from your head space to hearts space.TYPE SIX:?The Loyalist. Committed, practical and capable, sixes are the most worried of all the types due to their need for security and innate suspiciousness of authority. However, sixes at their best are particularly steadfast and loyal friends.Relationship reminder:?Know that not everyone has a “hidden agenda” and that it’s safe to be optimistic every once in a while. Use your power of friendship and loyalty to build a trustworthy connection with a date or significant other.TYPE SEVEN:?The Enthusiast. Fun, spontaneous and pleasure-seeking, sevens are motivated by a need to be happy and social, having plenty of stimulating experiences but avoiding pain.Relationship reminder:?Commitment isn’t such a bad thing. Push back on your urge to flee and face what might be driving you to restless but shallow activity. You have so much wisdom to offer by staying grounded and centered.TYPE EIGHT:?The Challenger. Commanding, intense and powerful, eights are looking for the nearest conquest. They are motivated by a need for control and can often be protectors of the underdog.Relationship reminder:?Your power is in your show of tenderness equally as your strong personality. People can love and handle the real you, even when a bit of vulnerability surfaces. If you feel a tear coming on in conversation, don’t hold it back.TYPE NINE:?The Peacemaker. Pleasant, laid back and accommodating, nines have the gift of seeing any single issue from many angles, but have trouble asserting themselves due to desires to keep the peace, merge with another person’s way of life, and avoid conflict.Relationship reminder:?You needn't always “go along to get along”. You have permission to voice a contrasting opinion from your date’s perspective, even if that makes you nervous. Go ahead and step out!Golden Rule Redux: Treat others the way THEY would like to be treated.Relationship Tips for the Nine Types by Peter O’Hanrahanfrom for relating to OnesDon't take too personally:?Their critical or judgmental attitude.To create rapport:?Respect their integrity and take things seriously.Try to avoid:?Making agreements that you may not keep; ignoring traditional good manners.Join them:?In seeing how things can be improved.To handle conflict:?Ask them to be direct with their anger and get past their resentment; admit your mistakes; speak with personal conviction and authority. Challenge them to see more than one right way.To support their growth:?Help them be less critical of themselves and more accepting of their mistakes and imperfections; ask them to mediate their judgement with fairness and forgiveness; remind them to share responsibility with others; encourage them to have fun.Tips for relating to TwosDon't take too personally:?Their tendency to be overly nice or flattering.To create rapport:?Step forward to make contact; give approval or appreciation.Try to avoid:?Hurting their feelings by being too critical or not taking them seriously.Join them:?In valuing warmth, personal contact and partnership.To handle conflict:?Ask them to take responsibility for getting what they want rather than indirectly blaming others or evoking guilt. Head off hysterical outbursts by bringing out their dissatisfaction or resentment.To support their growth:?Help them pay attention to their own needs and feelings and to set boundaries with other people; encourage them to take time out for themselves; remind them to breathe into their belly and feel their feet on the ground.Tips for relating to ThreesDon't take too personally:?Their competitiveness and their need to look successful.To create rapport:?Appreciate their work; speed up in talking to them.Try to avoid:?Getting in the way of their forward momentum or taking too much of their time.Join them in:?Being active, getting results, earning recognition.To handle conflict:?Allow for aggressive exchanges while staying on track with goals. Remind them that successful results can come with many different styles, and that people are important. Challenge their rhetoric or propaganda while allowing them to save face.To support their growth:?Help them look inside and tell the truth about who they really are; support them in having feelings, especially about their failures; encourage them to slow down and pay attention to their health. Value them for who they are, not only for what they accomplish.Tips for relating to FoursDon't take too personally:?Their disappointment, moodiness, or critical attitude.To create rapport:?Appreciate their emotional sensitivity and their creativity.Try to avoid:?Insisting on being rational, unemotional, or conformist.Join them in:?Valuing style, individualism, and excellence.To handle conflict:?Challenge them to avoid wounded withdrawal on the one hand, and angry outbursts on the other. Stay in the middle ground. When they are upset, don't take everything they say too literally since it may be only the feeling of the moment.To support their growth:?Support Fours in achieving emotional balance and staying on track. Encourage them to express their feelings safely and directly rather than getting caught in chronic negative attitudes or depression. Help them fight their inner critic and resist internalizing blame. Get them to watch what they say and consider their impact on others.Tips for relating to FivesDon't take too personally:?Their tendency to withdraw physically or emotionally.To create rapport:?Approach them slowly and thoughtfully. Give them room to think things over.Try to avoid:?Pressuring them for immediate contact or fast decisions.Join them in:?Talking about ideas and valuing the inner life.To handle conflict:?Don't make assumptions about what's going on with them. Ask them for direct communication. Agree to disagree. Emphasize the importance of relationship. Watch out for control by withdrawal. Challenge them to be more warm and generous. Give them lots of information.To support their growth:?Support Fives in getting into their bodies and accessing their instinctual energy. Make it safe for them to share themselves, especiallytheir feelings. Remind them to let others know that they care, and that they will return to the relationship or project after a break. Help them deal with feelings of emptiness.Tips for relating to SixesDon't take too personally:?Their suspicious attitude or negative outlook.To create rapport:?Appreciate their attention to problems; agree on rules and procedures.Try to avoid:?Changing the rules abruptly, or withholding important information.Join them in:?Acknowledging what can go wrong before moving ahead.To handle conflict:?Put your cards on the table as much as possible. Don't be ambiguous. Challenge them to take responsibility for their reactions instead of coming up with external reasons. Refuse to take on their projections. Assume that they will act antagonistic when they feel threatened.To support their growth:?Help Sixes to face their fears directly, get reality checks, and ask for personal support. When possible, get them to see the humor in situations. Provide enough safety to get them to relax their mental scanning operation and get more into their bodies and feelings.Tips for relating to SevensDon't take too personally:?Their short attention span or their cheery self-absorption.To create rapport:?Appreciate their stories and positive ideas.Try to avoid:?Being too negative or interrupting the flow.Join them in:?Having fun and envisioning new possibilities.To handle conflict:?Challenge them to take responsibility for their actions, while staying as positive as possible. Get them to stop talking and listen. Let them know what you or others need from them. Repeat it often.To support their growth:?Encourage their sobriety. Help them to get more "down and in." Support them in staying grounded, balancing their good ideas with common sense. Stress the importance of feedback. Be there for them when they begin to feel their pain.Tips for relating to EightsDon't take too personally:?Their bossiness or aggressive attitude.To create rapport:?Make direct contact.Try to avoid:?Controlling them without their agreement, making them sit still for long, or showing disrespect.Join them in:?Getting things moving in work or play.To handle conflict:?Stand up to them and confront them directly (in your own style).? Accept their angry energy while challenging them to not go off the deep end. Be tough on destructive or threatening behavior, empathetic to underlying hurt feelings. Distinguish between Eights who care about people, and those who don't.To support their growth:?Support them in using their energy in constructive ways. Confront them on unconcious aggression or their use of anger as a comfortable habit. Help them get in touch with their vulnerability. Assume that they need love and care even when they don't show it.?Tips for relating to NinesDon't take too personally:?Their tendency to space out or forget to do things.To create rapport:?Slow down and "hang out" a bit. Listen to them; stay peaceful.Try to avoid:?Coming on too strong, getting impatient.Join them in:?Setting the context and looking at the big picture. Body based activities, including walking, exercising, cooking, eating, music, etc.To handle conflict:?Fairness is a crucial issue for Nines. Since they avoid conflict and anger, they are more likely to withdraw or become passive/aggressive, with occasional eruptions. Try to find out what's going on inside and let them know you won't abandon them. When and if they do blow up, help them set boundaries on their rage.To support their growth:?Give them personal attention. Help Nines create structures and schedules for their lives to keep them on track with priorities. Ask for their cooperation rather than trying to push them around. Challenge them on their need to be comfortable, and help them take risks. Be accepting, but persistent.? ................
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