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Marriage EnrichmentCouple CheckupWe are grateful to Dr. David Olson, Amy Olson and others at Life Innovations for allowing us to use their valuable tool, The Couple Checkup. Pastors who teach Richer Marriage will benefit from both Prepare-Enrich and Couple Checkup resources. Leaders of Richer Marriage can adapt this resource to not include The Couple Checkup, but the personal and online training and resources provided by Life Innovations will help you make the most of Richer Marriage.Richer MarriageFor a richer marriage…Describe our strength and growth areasListen and speak to show love and respectPractice steps to move through conflictMatch our personalities with our rolesEnjoy a richer sex lifeGet on the same page with our financesScheduleFRIDAY8 pm Describe our strength and growth areasSATURDAYBreakfast9 amListen and speak to show love and respectBreakPractice steps to move through conflictBreakMatch our personalities with our rolesLunch1 pmEnjoy a richer sex life3 pmDate night startsSUNDAYBreakfast9 amGet on the same page with our financesWorshipCheckout1. Identify our strength and growth areasRecall characteristics of an amazing marriageCreate a __________ __________ ___________ of things that make for an amazing marriage.Express benefits of marriageList as many ____________________ of marriage as you can think of.Of all the things listed so far, the three that ____________ to me the most are:Relate marriage to the glory of GodExplain the __________________ between the passages in the left column and the passage in the right column.For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. (Is 54:5)For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior…Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.(Eph 5:23, 25)For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his wife has made herself ready, and she was given clean, bright fine linen to wear, for the fine linen is the “not guilty” verdicts pronounced on the saints. (Re 19:7-8)This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. (Jn 15:8)Analyze our “Summary of Strengths and Growth Areas”Agree on _____ _____ this page helps you see your marriage the way it is. Write three other words (synonyms) to describe yourselves as a couple. Our plan to…Identify our strength and growth areasRecall characteristics of an amazing marriageExpress benefits of marriageRelate marriage to the glory of GodAnalyze our “Summary of Strengths and Growth Areas”2. Listen and speak to show love and respectIdentify communication mistakesDraw an arrow next to each passage to show if it demonstrates the Lord speaking to us () or us speaking to him ().“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Lk 2:11“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Ps 51:10“In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son.” Heb 1:1–2“He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.” Ac 14:17“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” Mt 26:28“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” Ps 118:1“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Php 4:6“Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.” 1 Ch 29:11“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mt 20:28“Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” Eph 5:25–26“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 Jn1:9Privately, write three communication _____________ you’ve seen people make.Determine actions a spouse can take to improve communicationBrainstorm actions a spouse can take to…Help the other feel ___________ to.Help the other feel ___________.Ask for what ___________ want.Tell the other how you ___________.Discuss ___________.Be satisfied with how you ___________ to each other.Two actions I’ll try to do to better _______________ with you:Practice the actions you just told each other as you discuss plans for your _____________ _____________.24384034353500Two things I think we need to talk about:Practice assertiveness and active listeningAssertiveness: express your feelings and ask for what you wantActive listening: let your spouse know you understand by restatingIndividually, create a ________ ________ of things you’d like more or less of in your relationship:Choose one from your list and follow the instructions below. Husband, you go first; then wife.Speaker’s jobSpeak for yourself (“I” statements)Describe how you’d feel if your wish came true.Listener’s jobRepeat/summarize what you heardDescribe the wish and how your spouse would feel if it came trueTurn to the ________________ page of your report. Use what you’ve practiced to discuss your “Agreement Items” and your “Discussion Items.”Our plan to…Listen and speak to show love and respectIdentify communication mistakesDetermine actions a spouse can take to improve communicationPractice assertiveness and active listening3. Practice steps to move through conflictAppreciate God’s conflict resolution planEveryone’s conflict with God: __________. Agree on 5 things God himself did to resolve that conflict.(These verses are for starters; you need not limit your answers to them.)Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin. But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. (Ro 3:20-22)It’s possible to want something good, but in a __________ ___________. From James 4:1-3, give 3 reasons why.What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (Ja 4:1-3)Identify helpful and unhelpful ways to move through conflictAgree on three ____________ forms of communication that almost always make the conflict Five Conflict Resolution ProblemsOne person ends up feeling responsible for the problemI go out of my way to avoid conflict with my spouseWe have different ideas of the best way to solve disagreementsSome of our differences never seem to get resolvedWe sometimes have serious disputes over unimportant thingsWhen we disagree, but you respond to me with _______________________ (e.g., kindness, respect, tenderness, understanding, cash), I feel valued.One thing you do that makes me feel __________ in our relationship is: _____________________Practice – at your table choose a ________________from the screen and then…Your table has two groups: men and women.Men, state the reasons for your view (you can make stuff up!). Women, validate the men in as many ways as possible.Repeat #2, only in reverse. Practice – just the two of youChoose an issue you disagree on:Wife, state your reasons for your view.Husband, validate as many ways as possible.Husband, state your reasons for your view.Wife, validate as many ways as possible.Tell each other, “My __________ _________ that fuel the fires of conflict are…YellingRaising voiceClamming upPushing the issueRepeating selfSarcasm Have to have the last wordPhysical contactNegative body languageGetting in the other’s faceBringing up the past (you always / you never)Getting overly emotionalBelittling______________________________ Circle the caution flags that you experience when you become ____________.Jaw clenchedHeart racesFace flushesStomach feels sickFists clenchMuscles tightenBreathing changesVocal pitch/tone changes______________________________Compare how we move through conflict with how our families didDiscuss your answer to these six questions:How did I handle conflict with my parents?What did my parents do right in resolving conflict with each other? How did that make me feel as a kid?What did my parents do wrong in resolving conflict with each other? How did that make me feel as a kid?In my relationships with friends, what have been my tendencies in dealing with conflict?If someone was watching us deal with a conflict, what would you want him/her to see?After thinking through the past experiences with conflict, what skills will help you deal with conflict in the future? What habits have you identified you want to work on for better conflict resolution?Ten steps to move through conflictSchedule itMeeting place: Date:Time:Identify one important issue you’d like to resolve. List the specific issue or problem for discussion below:How do each of you contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things you each do that have not helped to resolve the problem.Husband:1.2.Wife:1.2.List past attempts that were not successful in resolving the issue1.2.3.Brainstorm – pool your new ideas and try to attain ten possible solutions to the problem. Don’t judge or criticize any of these suggestions at this point.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions. What are your thoughts and feelings about the suggestions in step 5? Talk about how useful and appropriate each suggestion might be for resolving your issue.After you have expressed your feelings, select one solution that you both agree to try. Keep in mind the right solution can often be a combination of several ideas.Trial solution:Agree on how each will work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.Husband:Wife:Set a place, date and time within the next week for another meeting to discuss your progressMeeting place: Date:Time:Pay attention to each other as the week passes. If you notice your spouse making steps toward the solution, thank him/her for the effort.Create a plan to use our Conflict Resolution report in Couple CheckupTurn to the ________________ page of your report. Use what you’ve practiced to discuss your “Agreement Items” and your “Discussion Items.”Our plan to…Practice steps to move through conflictAppreciate God’s conflict resolution planIdentify helpful and unhelpful ways to move through conflictCompare how we move through conflict with how our families didCreate a plan to use our Conflict Resolution report in Couple Checkup4. Match our personalities with our rolesClarify roles in God’s plan to saveIdentify one role each plays in God’s plan to save:God the Father:God the Son:God the Spirit:Adam and Eve:The Bible, Baptism and the Lord’s Supper:You:Identify our SCOPE factors and apply them to roles in our familyWrite on the jersey the name of the ________ who scored higher in each area. Write under the jersey the names of the people at your table whose scores are in the ________ range in each area. Given your personality strengths, determine which person(s) at your table might be best suited for each task in _______________ for a __________.Creating a theme – best handled by:Determining a guest list and sending invitations – best handled by:Making guests feel comfortable – best handled by:Greeting the guests – best handled by:Last minute stresses – best handled by:You’re going to _______________. Use your SCOPE results to determine which of you might be better suited for each task.Meeting new people – best handled by:Reworking goals and dreams as a couple – best handled by:Planning the move – best handled by:Helping the family adjust – best handled by:Keeping things calm and secure – best handled by: Privately, complete the chartThings ___________ do (or plan to do)for your household1.2.3.4.5.Things ___________ does (or plans to do) for your household1.2.3.4.5.In our marriage, I’m especially pleased with the way we’ve _____________:Use Colossians 1:27-29 to determine what Paul might call his _____________ for life and 2) what you might call a _____________ for marriage: “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.” (Co 1:27-29)Paul’s purpose for his life: ______________________________A purpose for Christian marriage: ______________________________It’s your 50th wedding anniversary. Write five things you’d like to hear _________ __________ say about you.“What’s __________ __________ I can do to help make this come true?”Create a plan to use our Roles and Responsibilities reportTurn to the _______________________________________ page of your report. Agree on an example for your “Agreement Items” and begin to discuss your “Discussion Items.” Our plan to…Match our personalities with our rolesClarify roles in God’s plan to saveIdentify our SCOPE factors and apply them to roles in our familyCreate a plan to use our Roles and Responsibilities report5. Enjoy a richer sex lifeBecome missionaries for ____________ ____________Provide ____________Project ____________Education in the ____________Express God’s design for sexuality in five waysRead passages 1-4 and agree on ONE way to complete the sentence below them:Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. (SoS 1:2)LoverHow beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. BelovedHow handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant. (SoS 1:15-16)All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (SoS 4:7)May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. (Pr 5:18-19)God’s design for healthy sexuality…Read passages 5-8 and agree on ONE way to complete the sentence below them:So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Ge 1:27)“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ep 5:31-32)One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. (Ps 27:4)Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Re 3:20)God’s design for healthy sexuality…Read passages 9-10 and agree on ONE way to complete the sentence below them:Adam knew (yada’) Eve his wife; and she conceived. (Ge 4: 1, KJV)The two shall become one (echa’d) flesh. (Ge 2:24)God’s design for healthy sexuality…Read passages 11-13 and agree on ONE way to complete the sentence below them:Moses and Aaron then went into the Tent of Meeting. When they came out, they blessed the people; and the glory of the Lord appeared to all the people. Fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar. And when all the people saw it, they shouted for joy and fell facedown. Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized (strange, unholy) fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. 2 So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord. (Le 9:23-10:2)Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine. (Ez 16:8)Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (He 13:4)God’s design for healthy sexuality…Read passages 14-17 and agree on ONE way to complete the sentence below them:Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ep 5:25, 28)Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. (Co 3:5)Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. (Pr 5:15)Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. (1 Pe 1:22)God’s design for healthy sexuality…As we practice Biblical sexuality, We give glory to God because…We reclaim “sex” from our culture because…We cultivate a healthy church because…We build a healthy family because…Appreciate our similarities and differencesName one thing in each area that helps you be __________________________Privacy:Energy:Time:Anticipation:Initiation:Sights/Sounds:Write a prayer for ___________________________.Some starter ideasThank you, Lord, for…Help us to see…Teach us how to serve each other by the way we…Husbands, complete this sentence as many ways as you can:When it comes to the lovemaking process, I would like wives to know about husbands…Wives, complete this sentence as many ways as you can: When it comes to the lovemaking process, I would like husbands to know about wives…God’s “emergency room” to heal sexual ___________________ConfrontationConfessionRepentanceGrievingForgivenessMaking amendsCreate a plan to use our Sexual Relationship reportTurn to the ______________________________________ page of your report. Agree on an example for your “Agreement Items” and begin to discuss your “Discussion Items.” Our plan to…Enjoy a richer sex lifeExpress God’s design for sexuality in five waysAppreciate our similarities and differencesCreate a plan to use our Sexual Relationship report6. Get on the same page with our financesDefine a biblical view of moneyYours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. (1 Ch 29:11-12)Determine a memory aid to remind yourself to ask, “What are we going to do with __________ __________?”Read Jesus’ words below and agree on three reasons money can be _________.The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. (Mt 13:22)1.2.3.For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward* each person according to what he has done. (Mt 16:27)Behold, I am coming soon! My reward* is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. (Re 22:12)Should a Christian __________ from __________ or __________ income? Use the passages below to give as many reasons as you can for your conclusion.Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops. (Pr 3:9)Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year. (Dt 14:22)Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? (Lu 16:10-11)You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Ma 3:9-10)You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. (2 Co 9:11)Recognize where our views of money are similar and where they are differentRespond to each statement with a 1 through 5. 1StronglyDisagree2Disagree3Undecided4Agree5StronglyAgree_____ 1.I look up to those people who have been very financially successful._____ 2.In making a major purchase, an important consideration is what others will think of my choice._____ 3.Having high-quality things reflects well on me._____ 4.It is important for me to maintain a lifestyle similar to or better than that of my peers._____ 5.Having some money in savings is very important to me._____ 6.I would rather have extra money in the bank than some new purchase._____ 7.I prefer safe investing with a moderate return versus high-risk investing with potentially high returns._____ 8.I feel more content when I know we have enough money for our bills._____ 9.I really enjoy shopping and buying new things._____ 10.People who have more money have more fun._____ 11.I really enjoy spending money on myself and on others._____ 12.Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure helps._____ 13.He or she who controls the purse strings calls the shots._____ 14.It would be difficult for me to put all my money into a joint account._____ 15.One of the important benefits of money to me is the ability to influence others._____ 16.I think we each should control the money we earn.Add itemsYour score*InterpretationCategory1-4Money as 5-8Money as9-12Money as13-16Money as*Interpretation17-20=Very high; 13-16=High; 9-12=Moderate; 4-8=LowReasons people argue about $$Lack of well-organized family systemConflict over power and controlDiffering styles of spending and savingDifferent vision of what money can/can’t doExplain the solution the __________ offers in each argument.Financial goalsBy 6 months from now1.2.3.By 3 years from now1.2.3.Identify steps we’ll take to have more financial peace in our homeTurn to the Financial Management page of your report. Agree on an example for your “Agreement Items” and begin to discuss your “Discussion Items.” Our plan to…Get on the same page with our financesDefine a biblical view of moneyRecognize where our views of money are similar and where they are differentIdentify steps we’ll take to have more financial peace in our homeDetermine our use of the Life Account/Fun Money system.WorshipGatheringP:In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. All: We go today from this place, bound together by God’s love for us, our love for each other, and a renewed commitment to our marriage. Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest. Amen.SongWordRevelation 19:6-8P:Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: “Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.”All: Lord God, thank You for adorning us with the fine linen of Christ’s righteous deeds. We praise You that You are preparing now to receive us as Your bride. Clothe us with Your righteous acts that we may be holy before You and serve each other.MeditationThanksgivingPrayer and renewal of vowsP:Come with us now from this place. Wives: Strengthen the ties that bind us together.Husbands: Tighten the bond when it loosens.Wives: Walk before us into the future and lead us in Your ways.Husbands: Lift us when we stumble.Wives: Put away our past sins and clothe us with Your righteousness.Husbands: Restore us when we fail.All: Together we commit ourselves to You, Lord.Husbands: I reaffirm my vows to you, ______________,before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful husbandfor richer for poorer,for better for worse,in sickness and in health,for the rest of our lives.Wives: I reaffirm my vows to you, ______________,before God and these witnessesto be your loving and faithful wife,for richer for poorer,for better for worse,in sickness and in health,for the rest of our lives. All: Stay with us now as together we await Your final coming to receive us as Your bride. Amen, it shall be so.SendingSongBlessingPrayer ................
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