Everwonder



Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut

Awesome South Park -

[Anthropological Dig]

Anthropologist:And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We did 'em up, polish 'em off and find over 12 new arrowheads every month.

Cartman:Borrrring.

[Laughter]

Mr. Garrison is reading the RCKY MTN News.

Mr. Garrison:Eric, keep quiet, I'm trying to sleep.

Anthropologist:Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?

Stan raises his hand.

Stan:Isn't that your job?

Anthropologist:Well, ya, yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.

Stan:Oh!

Anthropologist:Ok, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pick-axes that were handed out and we'll, we'll dig for our very own indian arrowheads.

[Cheering]

The kids start picking.

Cartman:Day is never finished, massa got me working, someday massa set me free.

Stan:Dude, shut up Cartman!

Pip:Oh! Oh! I think I found one!

Cartman:No, I found it!

Pip:Oh, I do believe I found it first.

Cartman:No, I did Pip!!

Pip:Oh dear.

Cartman:Well, guess we'll have to roshambo for it.

Pip:What do you mean?

Cartman:Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.

Pip:Oh, I uh well, I suppose if I must.

Cartman:Ok, ready? I'll go first.

Cartman winds up.

Cartman::Eh.

Cartman kicks Pip squa' in the nuts.

Pip:Ooohhhhhh!!!

[Laughter]

Pip starts coughing in pain.

Pip:Well, I, I guess you win.

Cartman:Oh, I don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead, I don't want it.

Cartman throws the arrowhead at Pip.

Cartman returns to picking.

Cartman:Day is never finished, massa got me working...Oh look! I found another one.

Cartman looks at his new 'arrowhead'.

Cartman:Ah, this is just a stupid triangle!

Cartman throws the triangle towards Kyle.

Kyle:Whoa, check it out dude!

Kyle picks up the triangle.

Kyle:It's got little drawings on it.

Stan:What is it?

Kyle:I don't know.

The triangle begins glowing.

Stan:Whoa!!

Kyle:That was cool!

Cartman:Hey, give me that back!

Kyle:You threw it away Cartman! It's mine now.

Cartman:We'll roshambo for it.

Kyle:No way fatty, it's mine.

Cartman:Anthropologist!!!

Anthropologist:How's it going boys?

Cartman:I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!

Kyle:You threw it away fatso!

Anthropologist:Hmmm, let me see that.

Kyle hands the anthropologist the triangle.

Anthropologist:Why this is anasalsi writing. My God, this must be thousands of years old.

Cartman:Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it.

Kyle jumps up and grabs the triangle from the anthropologist.

[On the News:

Tom:And finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadrapelegic Swiss man on a pony.

Dave:Thanks Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.

Kyle:Well, I was just digging around and I was all like, 'Dude, I found this triangle,' and my friends were like, 'dude.' And I was all, 'dude.'

Cartman:And I told him, I said 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me, so I kicked him squa' in the nuts, and he cried like Nancy Kerrigan.

Kyle:You liar Cartman!

Cartman:Screw you triangle thief!!

Tom:And so the little boy will take his discovery home, and perhaps donate it to science, a little later. Back to you Dave.

Dave:Thanks Tom, those are some cute, cute kids. Except for that last one, he's a little tubby.

Cartman:Hey!!!

[Kyle's House]

Stan:What are you going to do with it dude?

Kyle:I'm going to put it in my room where Cartman can't find it.

Cartman:Oh, I'll find it, don't worry!

Kyle goes into his room, closing his door behind him.

Cartman:God damnit, give me my triangle Kyle, seriously!

Stan:You did throw it away Cartman.

Cartman:I was just setting it aside.

Stan:Well, you might as well let it go.

Cartman:Never! I'll get that triangle if it's that last thing I do.

[Cafeteria]

Chef:Gimmie little bit of that pepper, gimmie little bit of that salt, put it in the skillet and cook it...

Leonard:Excuse me sir.

Chef:Can I help...hey, you're that movie critic guy on TV.

Leonard:Leonard Maltin, yes.

Chef:Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert, Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.

Leonard:I know who you are. You must listen to me Chef, we have precious little time.

[Weird music]

Leonard:Have you seen Barbara Streisand recently?

Chef:Barbara Streisand, you mean like, the Barabara Streisand?

Leonard:Have you seen her!?!

Chef:No, not since "Yentl."

Leonard:Thank God, then I'm not too late.

Chef:Too late for what?

Leonard:Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.

Chef:Why do you care?

[Bus Stop]

Stan:I have a button we can use for his nose.

Kenny:Yeh, and I have ....

Kyle:What would we use a marble sack for?

Cartman:Be careful where you put that carrot, Kyle might steal it!

Kyle:I didn't steal anything.

Cartman:Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him.

Kyle:Good!!

The sound of a chopper approaching can be heard.

Cartman:What's that noise?

A large pink helicopter lands near the boys.

Stan:Whoa!

Cartman covers his butt.

Cartman:Ah! Aliens!!

Barbara Streisand emerges from the bowels of her helicopter.

Babs:Who is the boy on saw on the news report tonight?

All fingers point to Kyle.

Babs:Hello there little boy, do you know who I am?

Kyle:No.

Babs:Uh, I bet you do.[Singing]I'm going where there's lucky clovers in the s....

Kyle:Ahh! Stop that!

Stan:Yuck, that sucks dude!

Babs:I'm Barbara Streisand!

Kyle:So.

Babs:So, hmm, huh, well, so I'm a very famous and very important individual.

Stan:Like John Elway important?

Babs:What?!?

Stan:Do you know John Elway?

Babs:No.

Stan:Oh, so you're really famous and important, but you don't know John Elway?

Babs:Uh, look, little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?

Kyle:Yeh.

Cartman:No, I found it, he stole it!

Kyle:You threw it away Cartman!

Cartman:I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.

Babs:Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?

Kyle:Yeh, how'd you know?

Babs:Ok, now this is very important, where is the Triangle of Xenthar now?

Kyle:Triangle of Xenthar?

Stan:Why do you want to know, lady?

Babs:I'm not talking to you, you piss ant little hick!

Stan:Whoa dude!

Barbara picks up Kyle and begins shaking him.

Babs:Where is the triangle damn it?!?

Kyle:Ahhh!!!

Barbara drops Kyle.

Barbrady:What seems to be the problemo here?

Babs:Problemo, huh, there's no problemo officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.

Cartman:Nuh uh, she's being a total bitch!

Barbrady:Boys, shouldn't you be in school?

Stan:It's Saturday.

Barbrady:No excuses! Move along you little trouble makers!

The kids walk away.

[Silence]

Babs:Well?

Barbrady:Well what?

Babs:You know who I am, don't you?

[Silence]

Barbrady shrugs.

Barbrady:Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rats ass!

Babs:Ahhhh!!!!

Barbrady:Oh! What a bitch!

[Kyle's house]

Chef:I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.

Leonard:Damn, then we must look for them elsewhere.

Chef:Now come on man, what is this all about?

Leonard:If Barbara Streisand saw the same news report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbara Streisand, where would you be right now?

Chef:Hmmm.

Chef has a vision of Tom's Rhinoplasty.

Leonard:No, no. I mean, where would she be staying?

Chef:Oh, uhh, well, I always heard that Mrs. Streisand had her own four million dollar condominium up near the ski slopes.

Leonard:Where?!?

Chef:Uh, I don't know, it, it was just a rumor.

Leonard:Damn it man, where is your car?!?

[Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains]

Babs:He has it Milo, that little bastard has the Triangle.:Are you sure?

Babs:I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krulak!

Milo:Then why don't we go get it?

Babs:A cop showed up, he's a clever one. I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.

Barbara pulls a book out from a bookshelf.

There is a button on the book.

She presses the button.

The bookshelf rotates 180 degrees, revealing one triangle and a stand for another.

Babs:How many years has it been Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle. And now I am so close, the Dawn of Xenthar is close at hand!

Barbara lets loose an evil laugh.

[Commercial Break]

[Kyle's Bedroom]

Mission Impossible like music begins playing.

A hole is cut into the ceiling.

A rope is lowered into the room.

Somebody in black is breaking into Kyle's Room.

A light turns on

Ike:Cookie shang.

Cartman drops a picture.

Kyle:Cartman?

Cartman:You scared the crap out of me Ike!

Kyle:What the hell are you doing?

Cartman:I'm trying to get my tri...wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?

Ike:A turtle bed.

Kyle:Well Ike, you can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!

Ike:Cookie Monster.

Cartman:Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty God damned son of a bitch!

Ike:A total nerd!

Kyle:Alright, alright, if it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!

Cartman:Huh?

Kyle:If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing, here!

Kyle hands Cartman the triangle.

Kyle:There, now get out of my house, and I hope you feel really, really good about yourself.

Cartman:Hell yeh I do, I got the triangle. [Singing]I got the triangle, I got the triangle, you don't, you don't.

Cartman leaves Kyle's room.

[Mountain Road]

Leonard:Are you sure Barbara Streisand has a condo up here?

Chef:It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.

Leonard:Then we've got to keep looking.

Chef stops the car.

Chef:Alright, Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile 'til you tell me what this is all about.

[Psychotic Music]

Leonard:Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity that Barabara Streisand exhibits?

Chef:Well, I always heard that she was kind of a bitch.

Leonard:More than a bitch Chef! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town. Her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.

Chef:Oooh, insurance salesman?

Leonard:When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.

Chef:Ok, you know what, nevermind, I don't need to know all this. Forget I asked.

Chef starts driving again.

Leonard:Before she was seven, the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of "My Fair Lady," Barbara Streisand found one of the triangles.

Chef:And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?

Leonard:Yes Mr. Chef. If Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing known to mankind...MechaStreisand.

[Dramatic Music]

Chef:MechaStriesand?!? Oh man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.

[Bus Stop]

Stan:Man, the bus sure is late.

Cartman:Hmm, I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is my triangle.

Kyle:Damn it Cartman, I gave it to you so you would shut up!

Barbara Streisand pulls up wearing a Groucho Marx get up.

Babs:Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?

Stan:Fine.

Babs:That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person. I hear that one of you found my triangle.

Kyle:Your triangle?

Babs:Yes, you see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it because without it I was sure to die within hours.

Cartman:Oh no you don't! Finders keepers!

Babs:But I'll die.

Cartman:Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me squa' in the nuts as hard as you can.

Babs:I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.

Cartman:It is?

Stan:Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand lady wanted it.

Babs:Oh, hehehe, who is that?

Kyle:Oh, just the really, really old lady that wished she was still only forty-five.

[Laughter]

Stan:Yeh, and you should have seen her nose, it was big enough to land stealth bombers on.

[Laughter]

Cartman:Yeh, and talk about a beatch, I haven't seen....

Babs:Enough!!

The kids look shocked.

[Dramatic Music]

Babs:Oh, ha ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you. I, I mean, uh, uh, give you money, for the triangle.

Cartman:Sweet, I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you wouldn't have given me back that triangle now, huh Kyle?!? Dumb ass!

Kyle:Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?

Cartman:No, not when money's involved, stupid.

[Straight to Video Studios]

Director:And, action.

Sidney:Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other, with dreams and emotions, and that's why I'll never stick a foreign object up my ass.

Director:Cut, great, print that. Excellent work Sid, take five guys, let's set up for the next shot.

Sally Struthers begins stuffing her face.

Seashell Chicks:Hello.

Sidney:Ho.

Seashell Chicks:You must hurry. A young man has found the Triangle of Xenthar.

Sidney:Where?

Seashell Chicks:A small piss ant white bred mountain town in Colorado called South Park.

Sidney:Excellent!

[Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains]

Babs:Soon, the Triangle of Xenthar will be mine. And I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!

Cartman:Eh, let me go, seriously!

Stan:Yeh, let us go.

Babs:You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with. I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!

Cartman is in a rack.

He begins being stretched out.

Cartman:Hey! It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's.

Kyle:Hey, don't try to pass it back on me, fatass!

Cartman:You, screw you hippie! Ehh!

Babs:Where is the Triangle of Xenthar?!?

Cartman:I don't remember.

Kyle:God damn it, tell her! I want to go home.

Babs:Maybe this will help jar your memory.

Cartman:No, don't!

Babs:[Singing]This is plain ole...

Cartman:Ahh, stop that!

Babs:Now do you remember?

Cartman:Ehh, damn your black heart Barbara Streisand!

Stan:Oh, I don't know how much more I can take dude.

Babs:Alright, you asked for it!

Babs:[Singing]I'm gonna tell you now....

Kids:Ahhhhh!!!

[Mountain Road]

Chef:Uh, I don't know man. Maybe Barabara Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.

Leonard:Well, it looks like we'll have to go to Plan B.

Chef:There's a Plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a Plan B?

Leonard:Have you ever heard of the band called 'The Cure?'

Chef:Ah come on. Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too.

Leonard:No, no, just the lead singer.

Leonard appears to be in pain.

Leonard:Ah. Ah.

Chef:Whoa, what's the matter Leonard Maltin?

Leonard:She's close. She's very close, I can feel her.

Chef:Where?

Leonard:She has the boys. They're, they're in trouble.

Chef:Oh fudge!

Leonard:Keep going this way, hurry.

[Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains]

Babs:[Singing]A business with you is like happiness.

Kids:Ahhhh.

Cartman:Ok, ok, I'll tell you where the triangle is! It's inside my shoe.

Milo takes the triangle out of Cartman's shoe.

Kyle:Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman, when's the last time you changed your socks?

Cartman:And I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens.

Babs:Finally! The triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the Triangle of Xenthar.

Barbara connects the two triangles together.

Babs:Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete.

The Diamond begins spinning and sparking in mid air.

Babs:Sigai, konayowa atarashi agi maruta, i makara atashien nonamaywa!

Stan:Whoa dude!

Babs:Mecha Babura Streisanda!!

Stan:Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!

[Downtown South Park]

MechaStreisand appears.

[Screech]

Jimbo:Holy crap Ned, that's the biggest God damned deer I've ever seen!

[Commercial Break]

[Downtown South Park]

Newscaster:So, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again, be....

[Screech]

MechaStreisand begins her destructive rampage.

Newscaster:Oh, God damn it, not again!

Japanese Dude:Barbura, Barbura, ...ito, Barbura, Barbura....

[Mayor's Office]

Assistant:Mayor, Barbara Streisand is....

Mayor McDaniels:I noticed! Call the National Guard!

[Screech]

Mayor McDaniels:Oh, we'll get you, you bitch!

[Screaming]

MayorMcDaniels:And to think, I actually watched your HBO special.

[Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Condominium in the Mountains]

Chef:Children!

Kids:Chef!

Leonard:Oh no! No! She's joined the two triangles?!?

Cartman:Yeh, she stole my triangle!

Stan:Get us down from here.

Chef:I, I can't break these locks.

Leonard:Stand back Chef.

Leonard:Marutan-ray.

A red beam bursts from Leonard's eyes, cutting the locks that bind the kids.

Kyle:Whoa, that was cool!

Leonard:I've got to go after MechaStreisand. Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of the Cure at this number.

Stan:Robert Smith? Sweet.

[Robert Smith's Recording Studio]

[Phone Ringing]

Robert:Hello.

Chef:Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the Cure?

Robert:Yes it is.

Chef:This may sound kinda strange, but, Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.

Robert:Ohh, so Barbara Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?

[Downtown South Park]

Guard:Alright men, give her everything you've got!

[Screech]

The National Guard opens fire on Mecha Streisand.

The weapons have no visible effect.

Ned and Jimbo are flying in.

Jimbo:Get around side 'her Ned, I can't get a shot in from here.

Ned:Ok.

Ned gets around side of MechaStreisand

Ned:Ah, ah, I'm scared.

Jimbo fires a rocket in at Mecha Streisand.

It has no apparent effect.

MechaStreisand smacks Ned and Jimbo's chopper away.

Japanese Dude:Barbura, barbura....

Guard:It's no use, our firepower has no effect!!

[Street in South Park]

Sheila:Oh my God, it is you! Oh I am such a huge fan Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!

[Screech]

Sheila:I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph, my sister would die!

[Screech]

MechaStreisand takes the autograph book and signs it "Babs".

Sheila:Oh, thank you Ms. Streisand!

[Screech]

[Screaming]

Mr. Garrison:We're doomed, good bye Mr. Hat.

Japanese Dude:Barbura, Barbura.

Leonard:Barbara!!!

[Screech]

Leonard:Kite, kite, uribu.

Leonard Maltin becomes Ultra-Maltin.

Japanese Dude:Ultura-Leonard Maltin.

MechaStreisand and Ultra-Maltin begin fighting.

Chef:Look out children!

The children scatter.

Kenny finds himself in a playground.

Kenny smacks a tether ball.

The tether ball gathers Kenny up by the neck.

Kenny:Oh no!! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, ahhh.

Kenny is choked to death by the tether ball.

Stan:Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:You bastards!

Sidney Poitier flys in.

Sidney:What's going on here?

Chef:Sidney Poitier?

Sidney:That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier.

Chef:Damn man, it's nice to meet you. The Sidney Poitier in my home town.

Sidney:Barbara Streisand has found the Triangle of Xenthar?

Chef:Yep, she's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.

Sidney:Kula, kulaski.

Sidney turns into a giant turtle.

Japanese Dude:MegaPoitier, MegaPoitier, sokuro danei, MegaPoitier, MegaPoitier....

Chef:Is that really necessary?

MegaPoitier attacks MechStreisand, only to be thrown into the mountains.

MechaStreisand proceeds to kick Ultra-Maltin's ass.

Chef:It's over. She's too strong for them. We'll have to leave town.

Cartman:Make her go away. I hate Barbara Streisand! I hate her!

Stan:My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there Chef?

Chef:We have to say goodbye, to South Park.

MechaStreisand continues her rampage.

Townswoman:Oh my God!!! Help me!!!

[Screech]

Robert:Am I too late?

Chef:Who are you?

Kyle:Dude, it's Robert Smith of the Cure!

Cartman:Sweet!

Robert:Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.

Robert Smith hands a walkie-talkie to Stan.

Chef:You can try Robert Smith, but that thing just the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.

Robert:I have to try. I can't let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world.

Robert Smith turns into Mothra

Japanese Dude:Robert Smith, Robert Smith, nashuwaga ski-RobertSmith.

[Screech]

The windows in buildings are destroyed by Robert Smith's Screech.

[Screech]

An equal amount of destruction results from MechaStreisand's wail.

Leonard Maltin appears, looking a little worse for the wear.

Leonard:We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.

Stan:Robert Smith, hit her nose, use robot-punch.

Kyle:The Diamond of Pantheos. She must be powerless now.

Stan:Quickly Robert Smith, she's powerless.

Robert Smith proceeds to kick MechaStreisands ass.

Japanese Dude:Robert Smith, Robert Smith.

Robert Smith casts MechaStreisand into space.

MechaStreisand explodes.

Fireworkds appear below.

Stan:He did it!

Kyle:No more Barbara Streisand, ever!

Stan:Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived.

Jesus:Our Saviour.

Robert:Can I have my walkie-talkie back now please?

Cartman:No way, you gave it to us, it's mine now.

Robert:Alright, I'll roshambo you for it. Ready?

Cartman:Heh?

Robert Smith kicks Cartman squa' in the nuts.

Cartman:Eh! Ahhh!

Robert Smith walks of into the sunset.

Chef:Hey, where's he going?

Stan:Goodbye Robert Smith.

Cartman:Thank you for your help. Visit us again.

Kyle:Disintegration is the best album ever!

[Bus Stop]

Stan:Dude, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.

Kyle:Yeh, this is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong.

Kenny:Mrmph or something like that.

[Laughter]

Kyle:Yeh.

Stan:Hey, maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.

The school bus pulls up.

Ms. Crabtree:Come on, we're running late!

Stan:We're not getting on you fat ugly bitch.

Ms. Crabtree:What did you say?!?

Stan:I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."

Ms. Crabtree:Oh, alright then.

The bus pulls away.

Kyle:Whoa dude!

Stan:I always wondered if that would work.

[Cartman's House]

[Ding Dong]

Cartman's mom answers the door.

Ms. Cartman:Hello boys.

Kyle:Hi, we were wondering why fatass, I mean Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.

Ms. Cartman:Oh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the back yard.

Stan:In the back yard?

[Cartman's Backyard]

Cartman is sitting at a table in the back yard.

He is having a tea party with stuffed animals and dolls.

Cartman:Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissypants?

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:Yes Eric, I would love some tea, thank you.

Cartman:You're very welcome Polly Prissypants.

Kyle, Stan and Kenny stand back and watch the following unfold.

Cartman:Would you like some tea Clyde Frog?

Cartman[As Clyde Frog]:Yes please, Eric. Why are you so cool?

Cartman:Oh, I don't know Clyde Frog, I just am.

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:You are so strong, and smart, and everybody likes you.

Cartman:Why thank you Polly Prissypants, how nice of you.

Stan:Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Kenny:Mrmrmph I've ever seen.

Kyle:Come on, let's go make fun of him.

Stan:No, dude, this looks really serious. I think we better get help.

Kyle:Really?

Cartman[As Peter Panda]:I like you Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.

Cartman:Why thank you Peter Panda. It's a distinctive Earl Gray.

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:Eric is the best.

Cartman[As Clyde Frog]:Hooray for Eric.

Cartman[As Peter Panda]:Eric kicks ass.

[School Counselor's Office]

A poster behind the kids has a father and son together.

The caption reads, "Father & Son Day is coming!"

Kyle:Mr. Makee, somethings really wrong with Cartman.

Mr. Makee:Oh, well, there's a news flash.

Stan:No, no, we saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.

Kyle:Yeh, he was doing there voices, and pouring tea for them.

There is a poster behind Mr. Makee.

The caption of this poster reads, "Dads are dandy."

Mr. Makee:Oh, okay. Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mmkay?

Stan:What do you mean?

Another poster is behind Mr. Makee.

The caption of this poster reads, "If you don't have a dad you're a bastard."

Mr. Makee:Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?

Stan:No.

Mr. Makee:Well, obviously something is bothering him, okay? Oh, of course, my video camera. Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behaviour, then I can study him psychologically, and find out what's wrong, mmkay?

Stan:Is that legal?

Mr. Makee:Oh, hell yes.

[Cartman's Backyard]

Cartman:My goodness, that is a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissypants.

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:Oh, thank you Eric, you are a perfect gentleman. And you are smart and kewl.

Cartman[As Peter Panda]:Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and cool. Everybody likes you very much.

Cartman:That's nice Peter Panda.

Stan:Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.

Kyle:How much do you think Mr. Makee needs?

Stan:I don't know, just keep rolling.

Cartman:More tea Rumpletumskin?

Cartman[As Rumpletumskin]:Yes please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.

Cartman:Thank you Rumpletumskin, and what do you think about me Clyde Frog?

Cartman[As Clyde Frog]:I think you're a big fat piece of crap.

[Silence]

Cartman:Hey!

[Cartman's Dining Room]

Cartman is chowing down.

Kitty comes to the table.

Kitty:Meow.

Cartman:No kitty, this is my corned-beef cabbage.

Kitty:Meow.

Cartman:No kitty, that's a bad kitty!

Kitty:Hiss!

Ms. Cartman:How is your beefy-roast, snookums?

Cartman:Mom, can I ask you a question?

Ms. Cartman:Sure hon.

Cartman:You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

Ms. Cartman:Uh huh.

Cartman:And my friend Kyle has a dad. And my friend Kenny has a dad.

Ms. Cartman:Yes?

[Silence]

The "camera" pans between Cartman and his mom repeatedly.

Ms. Cartman:Well, what's your question hon?

Cartman:[Pounding on the table]God damn it! Do I have a dad?!?

Ms. Cartman:Oh.

Cartman:I want to know where I came from.

Ms. Cartman:Oh, hmm, well, you see Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.

Cartman:Uh huh.

Ms. Cartman:And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

[Silence]

Cartman and Kitty stare blankly.

Cartman:So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?

Ms. Cartman:Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic. It was a beautiful autumn night, when the aspen trees were turning, at the twelfth annual Drunken Barn Dance.

[Flashback to the Drunken Barn Dance]

There's a lot of whoopin' and hollarin' and carrying on, like it's a party.

Ms. Cartman:I was young and naive then.

Mr. McCormick:Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much. You're amazing Ms. Cartman!

Ms. Cartman:Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet. Hehe. I baked cookies, would anybody like one?

Officer Barbrady:I wouldn't mind getting a hold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.

Ms. Cartman:Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.

Barbrady takes a cookie and munches it down.

Officer Barbrady:Mmmm, that's a good cookie!

Jimbo:Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance.

Everybody starts a dancin' and a yellin' and a whoopin' and havin' fun.

Ms. Cartman:And then, I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name was Chief Running Water.

Music:There, you are, like a throbbing star, I want you to make love, to me.

[Back to Reality]

Ms. Cartman:I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you. My little blueberry muffin.

Cartman:So where is Chief Running Wat... I mean, dad, now?

Ms. Cartman:Well, I never saw him after that, I wasn't really that interested in him.

Cartman:That isn't a very romantic story mom.

Ms. Cartman:I heard he stills lives on the Ute Reservation just outside of town.

Cartman:Wow, to think all this time I actually a Naive American.

Kitty:Meow.

Cartman:No kitty, that's a bad kitty!!!!

[Stan's House]

TV Announcer:Coming this Sunday, a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip. In the harrowing made for TV drama, 'Not Without My Anus.' Based on a true story.

Terrance:Hey Phillip, I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.

Phillip:Then I'm going to go with you Terrance.

[Fart]

[Laughter]

TV Announcer:See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC Movie of the Week.

Stan:Wow, kick ass dude. We have to remember to tape 'Not Without My Anus' next week.

Kyle:Yeh dude. It looks riveting.

TV Announcer:Now a word from our spons...

[Click]

Sally Struthers:Here in the heart of Africa...

Stan:Come on Grandpa, we want to watch Terrance & Phillip.

Grandpa:No Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget Show.

Stan,Kyle:Ahh.

TV Announcer:And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos," here's your host, Bob Saget.

Bob:Hey, I just flew into the studio, boy are my arms tired. Hehehe.

Grandpa:Hehehe.

Bob:Why, why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Cause he didn't have the guts. Hehehe.

Grandpa:Hehehe.

Bob:Knock Knock.

[Silence]

Bob:Bob.

[Silence]

Bob:Bob Saget. Hehehehehe.

[Laughter]

Grandpa Marsh falls over laughing.

Stan:This guy sucks.

[Ding Dong]

Kyle:Yeh, he's almost as bad as that guy on "Full House."

Stan answers the door.

Stan:Cartman? What the hell are you doing dressed like an indian with a bear necklace?

Cartman:Naive American Stan, and the bear is very important to my people.

Stan:What?

[Laughter]

Cartman:Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough. You keep your God damn mouth shut!

[Silence]

Cartman:Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over to the reservation.

Stan:What are you talking about Cartman?

Cartman:My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?

Stan:Go ahead dude.

Cartman leaves.

Stan closes the door behind him.

Kyle:Man, Cartman's more screwed up that I thought.

Stan:Yeh, we better get this video tape over to Mr. Makee quick.

Bob:Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there, send us your stupidest home videos, the grand prize this month will be for ten thousand dollars. Hehehe.

Grandpa:Ten thousand dollars! Holy smokes!

Kyle:Wow! I wish we had a stupidest home video.

[Gasp]

Everybody looks to the tape in Stan's hands.

[Ute Reservation]

Chief Running Water:And Bear cried to Eagle....

Indian:Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.

Chief Running Water:What kid?

Indian:He claims to be your kid.

Cartman:Hi Dad!

Chief Running Water:Who the hell are you?

Cartman:I'm your son Eric, my mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly in her cha-cha at the Drunken Barn Dance.

Chief Running Water:Your mother?

Cartman:DeeAnn Cartman.

Chief Running Water:Cartman? Ho ho ho, oh boy, I was worried there for a second. Look kid, I'm not your father.

Cartman:[Desperately]But my mom says you're the guy she was with.

Chief Running Water:Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native American refer to as "Bear, with wide canyon."

Cartman:What do you mean?

Chief Running Water:She is, "Doe, who cannot keep legs together."

Cartman:Heh?

Chief Running Water:Your mom's a slut.

Cartman:Hey!

Chief Running Water:Don't feel too bad, your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.

[Flashback to the Drunken Barn Dance]

Chief Running Water:We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.

Running Water and Ms. Cartman find a spot of hay.

Music:There you are....

Chief Running Water:I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.

Ms. Cartman:Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.

Chief Running Water:Whoa, hello!

Some random passerby vomits precariously close to the couple.

Ms. Cartman:Wait! Wait! Who is that?

[Funky Music]

Ms. Cartman has spotted Chef.

Music:There, you are, like a throbbing star.

Ms. Cartman:Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?

Chief Running Water:Huh? You gotta be kidding me!

Ms. Cartman:Why hello there, I don't think I've seen you around before.

Chef:No, I'm new in town.

Ms. Cartman:Well, what's a nice, handsome, black man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?

Chef:I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.

Ms. Cartman:My, how exciting. Would you care to...put your tongue in my mouth?

Chef:Damn baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?

Ms. Cartman:Hehe, I'm plastered.

Chef and Ms. Cartman start playing tongue wars.

[Back to Reality]

Cartman:His tongue? Chef? Chef is my dad?

Chief Running Water:He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.

Cartman:Oh my God, I'm a black, African-American.

[Cut to Commercial]

[Bus Stop]

Kenny is trying to start a go-kart.

Stan:Come on Kenny, get the go-kart going. I want to ride it.

Kyle:Did you send the video tape to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"

Stan:Yeh, I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now we'll actually have to watch that Bob Saget guy if we won.

Kyle:If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.

Stan:Shh, here comes Cartman.

[Thick Bass]

Cartman arrives wearing a jogging outfit, House Party wig and a big gold PIE on his hand.

Cartman:'Sup homies.

Stan:Cartman?

Cartman:I was just down in the SPC kicking it with some G's on the West Si-ede, eh.

Kyle:You live on the East Side, Cartman.

Stan:Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.

Cartman:Bah, who, hehe, who, ha, right. Like I'm some hippie indian.

[Silence]

Cartman:You know what I'm sayin', G. Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my, my dad.

Cartman moonwalks away.

Stan:Dude, we should be video taping this, we could make another ten thousand dollars.

Kenny gets the go-kart started.

The go-kart starts dragging Kenny down the street.

Kenny is screaming in pain and desperation.

Stan,Kyle:Hold on Kenny!

Kenny is dragged through a few pine trees.

Kenny is flung onto some train tracks.

Kenny waves to Kyle and Stan.

No, I'm okay guys.

Kyle and Stan wave to Kenny.

What a fucking....

A train quickly eradicates Kenny before he can finish.

Stan:Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:You Bastards!

[Chef's House]

[Thick Bass]

[Knock knock]

Chef:Hello?

Cartman:Yo Pops.

Chef:Boy, what the fudge are you doing?

Cartman:You know, just, layin' down some rhymes for G-folk. You know what I'm sayin'?

Chef:Get in here!

Chef drags Cartman into the house.

Cartman:West si-ede, eh.

Chef:Take that wig off!

Chef strips the wig from Cartman's head.

Chef:What's gotten into you?!?

Cartman:You're my dad Chef. Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.

Chef:What? No. Uh, did I?

Cartman:He said you kissed her with your tongue.

Chef:Ohhhohoho, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissin' children.

Cartman:Uh, so you're not my dad?

Chef:Of course not. Here, you children sit down, and let me explain something to you about where babies come from. Then you'll see why I can't be your dad. [Singing]When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, (actually, sometimes a man doesn't love the woman, but he acts like he does in order to get some action, hehe), the magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's right, they caress and touch each other until the part of the man grows. Ooohhh, they roll around and now things are really start to gettin' hot. And the man say "I love you," and the woman says, "wait a second, I got to go to the bathroom." So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait.

[Pause]

Chef:[Singing]And you wait and you wait and you wait. You wait and you're coolin' down, she's still going to the bathroom. Finally she comes back, and she says, "baby I'm getting hot." And that's when you've got to jug her butt and pump her full of ....

Cartman:What!?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance!?!?

Chef:Oh children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember.

[Flashback to the Drunken Barn Dance]

Chef and Ms. Cartman are getting down to business.

Ms. Cartman:Whoa Chef, you're so strong.

Jimbo:Hey everybody, look who's here. The AFC Champion Denver Broncos.

Bronco:Are we late for the party?

Bronco:What the hell town is this?

Broncos:Hutt hutt hutt hutt hutt.

Ms. Cartman sees the Denver Broncos.

Music:There, you are, like a throbbing star, I want....

Ms. Cartman:Ohhh! Chef! Ohh! Chef!

Chef:Damn woman, what's gotten into you?!?

Ms. Cartman:Oh! Whoopee!

Chef gets off of Ms. Cartman.

An arm appears from under Ms. Cartman.

Mr. Garrison gets out of the hay.

Chef:Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!?

Mr. Garrison:You're drunk Mr. Hat!

Music:There, you are....

Chef:Aww, man. I'm outta here.

Ms. Cartman:Come on Chef, haven't you ever heard of a manage o three.

Chef:Yeh, when two women are involved.

Mr. Garrison:Damn! Damn! Damn! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me Ms. Cartman.

Mr. Garrison and Ms. Cartman start getting busy on the hay.

Mr. Garrison:Oh.

[Back in Reality]

Chef:And that's who she was with last. Mr. Garrison.

Cartman:No. Noooooo! No, God, no!!!!!

[Stan's House]

TV Announcer:And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

Bob:Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.

Cartman:Why thank you Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend.

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:I think you are one of the coolest people in the world Eric, and you are not fat at all.

[Laughter]

Cartman:Really, you don't think so.

Cartman[As Peter Panda]:No, you're not fat. Cool, that's cool.

[Laughter]

Carol:Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.

Stan:Huh? Oh yeh.

Randy:Is there, uh, anything we can do for you son?

Stan:How about some ice cream?

Kyle:Yeh, with butterscotch!

Carol:You bet, you poor dears.

Bob:Now the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the ten thousand dollar grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night. The winner is: "Little boy's tea party."

Kyle:Woohoo.

Stan: Oh yes. We're in the finals.

Kyle:We're gonna win ten thousand dollars.

Stan:Man, Cartman's gonna be famous.

[South Park Bar]

Mr. Garrison:Well, I guess we should go Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat:Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison:Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem. Another Cosmo please.

Cartman wanders into the bar.

Cartman:All this time. Why didn't you tell me, father?

Mr. Garrison:What the hell are you talking about Eric?

Cartman:It was you, all along, you were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance.

Mr. Garrison:[Gasp]Oh.

Jimbo:Garrison, that's impossible, he's gay.

Mr. Garrison:I am not gay!

Cartman:Then you did sleep with my mom?!?

Mr. Garrison:No!!

Jimbo:He's gay!!

Mr. Garrison:Ok, ok! I admit it. I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance, but who here didn't?

The camera shows pans around the bar.

[Gasp]

[Silence]

Mr. Garrison:Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?

[Miscellaneous chatter]

Principal Victoria:Ohh.

Mayor McDaniels: Mmmm.

[Miscellaneous chatter]

Jesus and the priest look a bit concerned, for themselves.

Halfie:I haven't.

Mr. Garrison:You don't count Halfie, you don't have any legs.

Halfie:Oh. Yeh.

Mr. Garrison:So you see Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know.

Cartman looks down, dejected.

Jimbo:Don't feel too bad there kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was, and well, we had some great times together and hunting and fishing, we. Well, hell you know what I mean.

Cartman walk away dejectedly.

Cartman gets to the door.

Everyone looks as though they feel sorry for Cartman.

Mephesto:Wait, wait! I know a way to find out!

Cartman:How?!?

Mephesto:At my laboratory, we can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood, along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.

Cartman:Really, you can?!?

Mephesto:Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny, but....

Cartman:How much?

Mephesto:Three thousand should cover it.

Cartman:I don't have three thousand dollars!

Mephesto:Oh, nevermind.

Mephesto turns around to the bar.

[Cut to Commercial]

[Bus Stop]

Stan:Dude, I can't wait to win that ten thousand dollars on "America's Stupidest Home Videos." I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.

Kyle:I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.

Cartman:Hey guys.

Stan:How's it going Cartman?

Cartman:Oh, fine. How are you guys?

Kyle and Stan look at each other.

[Silence]

Kyle:Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cartman:Oh, nothing. It's just. Nothing.

Stan:Come on, what's the matter Cartman?

Cartman:Well, I want to know who my dad is, but, to find out, they have to do these DNA tests, and that costs three thousand dollars, and I, I don't have three thousand dollars.

Stan:Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore dude.

Cartman:Yeh, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I could work at a sweatshop for a while, or.... Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play in my back yard for a while.

Kyle:Uh. Cartman. We know how you can get three thousand dollars.

Cartman:[Brightly]You do?!?

Stan:Yeh, we have a video tape that's in the finals for "America's Stupidest Home Videos" and, and if we win, we'll give you three thousand of or ten thousand dollar prize.

Cartman:You will!?! Wow! You guys are the best! Thanks you guys!

Stan:Uh, yeh.

[Cartman's House]

TV Announcer:And now, back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

Cartman:What kind of video did you guys make?

Stan:Uh, you'll see.

Bob:Well, it's time to crown the ten thousand dollar winner. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos. First, it's "Dog who puts hat on master's head."

Bob[As the little dog]:Oh, I'm a little dog, I'm just a little dog, ohho. Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head. Hehehe.

[Laughter]

Bob:And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party."

Cartman:Why thank you Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend.

Cartman[As Polly Prissypants]:Oh, thank you Eric.

[Laughter]

Bob:Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy. Hehehehe.

Stan:[Trying to head Cartman off]We're sure to win Cartman, then you get your DNA money.

Cartman:I-am-so-pissed-off-right=nowwww!

Kyle:They laughed hardest at our video, we're gonna win! We're gonna win!

Bob:And finally, our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."

Bob[As Kenny]:Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.

Tape of Kenny being dragged about and cast upon the train tracks.

Bob[As Kenny]:Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.

Kenny is hit by the train.

Bob[As Kenny]:Oh, I sure did.

[Laughter]

Stan:Oh my God, they video taped killing Kenny.

Kyle:You bastards!

Bob:Now that's what I call a joy ride. Hehehe.

[Laughter]

Bob:And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit By A Train."

Stan:Dude, we lost.

Kyle:Damn it!

Cartman:I-am-going-to-fucking-kill-you-guys-seriously!

Bob:Stand up and take a bow Mr. Marsh.

Grandpa:I won! I won!

Stan:Grandpa!

Bob:Our other finalists will have to settle for their three thousand dollar runner-up prizes. Well, see you next time.

Kyle:Did you hear that dude? We still get three thousand dollars. That's enough for you to do your DNA tests.

Cartman:Kill-you-guys--Kill-you-guys!

[Cut To Commercial]

[Mephesto's Laboratory]

Mephesto:Alright, from everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father to the people in this room. Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broslofski, myself, my friend Kevin, or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.

Stan:Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but, God damn!

Mephesto:The tests results are in this envelope. Shall I, open it.

Mr. Garrison:Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!

[Mumbling]

Mephesto:The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room. The father is....

TV Announcer:Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto, or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Jimbo:Nope, he's gay.

Mr. Garrison:You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!

TV Announcer:Is it Jimbo?

Jimbo:Dahh!

TV Announcer:Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady:Huh? Where?

TV Announcer:Or could it be Ned?

Ned:Could be.

TV Announcer:Or Mr. Broslofski?

Kyle:Dad, how could you?!?

TV Announcer:Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?

[Pause]

TV Announcer:The answer is coming in an all new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman:What?!? Son of a Bitch!

[fin]

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