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*The Difference Between Trust and ForgivenessILL He said he was sorry, but it was at least the tenth time! I don't know what to do. I am told that it's my Christian duty to forgive, and the Lord knows I've tried. But each time I forgive him, he changes for a little while and then returns to the same behavior. I have a gut feeling I am handling things the wrong way. He never really changes, and I just get angrier. What should I do?What would you tell that person? We encounter people all the time who are trying to forgive someone who has repeatedly?hurt them. They know they should forgive, but they often feel they're either?being deceived?or?taken advantage of. They also have a disturbing sense that they're enabling bad behavior. Is that what forgiveness requires?The problem that many have is they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. To understand the difference between trust and forgiveness, we need to understand the biblical meaning of four important words. *Forgiveness Repentance Trust ReconciliationWould you pray with me for wisdom and insight from the Holy Spirit. Let’s look at these concepts in the life of David and his relationship with Saul. Theirs was a very troubled relationship. Saul kept trying to kill David. Now that is what I call a dis- functional relationship. *Look at 1 Samuel 19:1 Saul told his son Jonathan and all the attendants to kill David. *So Jonathan spoke to his father about David in 1 Samuel 19:4 Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, "Let not the king do wrong to his servant David; he has not wronged you, and what he has done has benefited you greatly. NIV*1 Samuel 19:6 Saul listened to Jonathan and took this oath: "As surely as the Lord lives, David will not be put to death." 7 So Jonathan called David and told him the whole conversation. He brought him to Saul, and David was with Saul as before. NIVSaul had been trying to kill David then Jonathan seems to changes his mind about David and David comes back to serve Saul. We have temporary restoration of the relationship but this does not last long. *Look at 1 Samuel 19:9 … While David was playing the harp, 10 Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape. NIVSo began years of hiding in the desert for David as King Saul continually tried to kill him. It was a terrible game of cat and mouse. During that time there were two close encounters in which David could have easily taken Saul’s life.David chose to spare Saul’s life and to let God take care of Saul in His own way. But in each of these encounters, Saul expresses what seems to be a change of heart towards David. But it was short lived. *Let’s look at the first one 1 Samuel 24:2 So Saul took three thousand chosen men from all Israel and set out to look for David and his men near the Crags of the Wild Goats. Saul went into the wrong cave to relieve himself and David and his men were far back in that same cave. But instead of killing Saul, David cut off a corner of Saul's robe. *1 Samuel 24:8 Then David went out of the cave and called out to Saul, "My lord the king!" When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground. 9 He said to Saul, "Why do you listen when men say, 'David is bent on harming you'? 10 This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, 'I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the Lord's anointed.' 11 See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. David is showing real forgiveness and making an extraordinary effort to trying to reconcile with Saul. *1 Samuel 24:16 When David finished saying this, Saul asked, "Is that your voice, David my son?" And he wept aloud. 17 "You are more righteous than I," he said. "You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly. 18 You have just now told me of the good you did to me; the Lord delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me. 19 When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today. 20 I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands. 21 Now swear to me by the Lord that you will not cut off my descendants or wipe out my name from my father's family." All of what Saul said sounds like repentance and a change of heart, he even wept aloud and admist he has treated David badly but it’s not real repentance. *Look at David’s response in 1 Samuel 24:22 So David gave his oath to Saul. Then Saul returned home, but David and his men went up to the stronghold. NIVDavid responds to Saul’s request with forgiveness. David promises not to take revenge, which is a clear sign of forgiveness. David keeps that promise throughout his life. But, notice that David does not trust Saul. He returns to the stronghold. He continues to hide from Saul. We see in this passage a clear differentiation between forgiveness and trust. David was wise not to trust Saul because Saul had not kept his word in the past. David gives Saul time to see if his behavior changes. Once again, Saul breaks his word and comes looking for David to kill him. *1 Samuel 26:2 So Saul went down to the Desert of Ziph, with his three thousand chosen men of Israel, to search there for David. 3 Saul made his camp.*1 Samuel 26:7 So David and Abishai went to the army by night, and there was Saul, lying asleep inside the camp with his spear stuck in the ground near his head. David spared Saul’s life but took the spear and water jug near Saul's head to demonstrate that he had spared Saul’s life again. David is still trying to reconcile with Saul. When David got a safe distance away, he announced to Saul what he had done. *Look at Saul’s response in 1 Samuel 26:21 Then Saul said, "I have sinned. Come back, David my son. Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again. Surely I have acted like a fool and have erred greatly." 22 "Here is the king's spear," David answered. "Let one of your young men come over and get it.” *1 Samuel 26:25 Then Saul said to David, "May you be blessed, my son David; you will do great things and surely triumph." So David went on his way, and Saul returned home. NIVSaul admits his sin against David and asked David to come back. David has forgiven Saul since he does not seek revenge. David even gives Saul his spear back, but notice David does not walk into Saul’s camp to deliver it. He lets one of the young men come over and get it. David does not trust Saul and nor should he. There is a difference between forgiveness and trust. David knew that Saul was likely to change his mind and come after him to kill him again. That had been Saul’s pattern of action. Let’s look at those four important words. *1. Forgiveness*Forgiveness is giving up the desire for revenge. *Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. NIVThat was written to individuals not government. Government has the responsibility from God to punish evil doers. (Romans 13:4) It’s important to keep those two separate in our thinking.Jesus clearly warned that God will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive those who sin against us.*Look at Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. NIVIt's not that we earn God's forgiveness by forgiving; instead, God expects forgiven people to forgive. Yet forgiveness is very different from the trust that leads to reconciliation and the restoration of the relationship. Words alone are often not enough to restore trust.It's possible to forgive someone without offering immediate reconciliation. Forgiveness is based on grace that is undeserved and unmerited. We can offer grace to others because God has forgiven all our sins through Jesus Christ. That is why David forgave Saul but there was not a restoration of the relationship. TS So what is necessary for reconciliation? *2. Repentance*Repentance is a change of heart that results in a change of action. It is not just an emotional response, but it is always demonstrated by willful action. We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.True repentance is accompanied by restitution when possible. If you have stolen something, you will work to repay the person you have stolen from. Repentance results in a 180 degree change in your actions and attitude. Instead of stealing, you give. *Ephesians 4:28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. NIV TS That is real repentance and repentant action leads to rebuilding… *3. Trust *When trust has been severely broken, restoration is often a lengthy process. The length of the process depends on the attitude of the offender, the severity of the sin, and the pattern of offense.For the believer forgiveness should be immediate.*Look at Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIVForgiveness should be immediate but building trust takes time. Those who commit?significant?and?repeated?offenses must be willing to recognize that rebuilding trust is a process that takes time. If the offending person is impatient with the process of rebuilding trust, that is a good indication that they have not repented. They might say, “I guess you can't find it in your heart to forgive me, some Christian you are.” Such language reveals an unrepentant heart.? Don't be manipulated by such anger into shortening the trust rebuilding process. When a person says they are sorry and then demands reconciliation, that is not repentance but selfishness. It indicates they don’t understand the harm they have caused and it shows they are still operating out of selfish motives. In many cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it will take some time for me to trust you and to restore our relationship.”It’s both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin.If the offender is unwilling to be accountable to someone during the trust rebuilding time, that is an indication that their pride is keeping them from true repentance. When you have real forgiveness and trust is rebuilt through repentant actions, there is the opportunity for…*4. Reconciliation*Reconciliation is the restoration of the broken relationship. In the case of David and Saul’s relationship, there never was a reconciliation. David was willing to forgive, but Saul was unwilling to repent and rebuild trust. Saul’s life ended without reconciliation with David. This was just one symptom of Saul’s broken relationship with God. Broken relationships are often a symptom of our broken relationship with God. Reconciliation takes two people doing their part as God’s Word describes it. If at this point the offending party has done their part and the one who was offended is unwilling to reconcile, it may be that they have not yet truly forgiven. It is advisable in difficult situations where the relationship has been severely broken to seek the help of a wise counselor, one who understands the biblical difference between forgiveness and trust. Such a counselor can help the injured person establish boundaries and define steps toward reconciliation that are restorative rather than retaliatory. He can also help the offended person to release his desire for revenge and truly forgive.* Look at Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. NIVBroken relationships impact our relationship with God. Our relationship with God impacts all our relationship. Challenge:*Do you have any broken relationships? *How is your relationship with God? *Restoration of all our relationships begins with a right relationship with God. How to Move from Forgiveness to ReconciliationILL He said I am sorry, but it's at least the tenth time! I don't know what to do. I am told that it's my Christian duty to forgive, and the Lord knows I've tried. But each time I forgive him, he changes for a little while and then returns to the same behavior. I have a gut feeling I am handling things the wrong way. He never really changes, and I just get angrier. What should I do?Sound familiar? I encounter people all the time who are trying to forgive someone who has repeatedly?hurt them. They know it's their Christian duty to forgive, but they often feel they're either?being deceived?or?taken advantage of. They also have a disturbing sense that they're enabling the selfish behavior of the very one they're trying to forgive. Is this what forgiveness requires?Is it possible to forgive someone and to withhold reconciliation? We must learn the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is always required by God, but it does not always lead to reconciliation.Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Not the SameJesus clearly warned that God will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive those who sin against us (Matthew 6:14-15; Mark 11:25). It's not that we earn God's forgiveness by forgiving; instead, God expects forgiven people to forgive (Matthew 18:21-35). Yet forgiveness is very different from reconciliation. It's possible to forgive someone without offering immediate reconciliation.It's possible for forgiveness to occur in the context of one's relationship with God apart from contact with her offender. But reconciliation is focused on restoring broken relationships. And where trust is deeply broken, restoration is a process—-sometimes, a lengthy one.Differing from forgiveness, reconciliation is often conditioned on?the attitude and actions of the offender. While its aim is restoration of a broken relationship, those who commit? significant? and?repeated?offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. If they're genuinely repentant, they will recognize and accept that the harm they've caused takes time to heal.In many cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship.” The evidence of genuine forgiveness is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response (Romans 12:17-21), but not?always?an automatic restoration of relationship.Even when God forgives our sins, he does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Yes, being forgiven, restored, and trusted is an amazing experience, but it's important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Words alone are often not enough to restore trust. When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with her offender, it's both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin.Timing of ReconciliationThe process of reconciliation depends on the attitude of the offender, the depth of the betrayal, and the pattern of offense. When an offended party works toward reconciliation, the first and most important step is the confirmation of genuine repentance on the part of the offender (Luke 17:3). An unrepentant offender will resent your desire to confirm the genuineness of his confession and repentance. The offender may resort to lines of manipulation such as, “I guess you can't find it in yourself to be forgiving,” or, “Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion.”Such language reveals an unrepentant heart.?Don't be manipulated into avoiding the step of confirming the authenticity of your offender's confession and repentance. It is advisable in difficult cases to seek the help of a wise counselor, one who understands the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Such a counselor can help the injured person establish boundaries and define steps toward reconciliation that are restorative rather than retaliatory.It is difficult to genuinely restore a broken relationship when the offender is unclear about his confession and repentance. We should strive to be as certain as we can of our offender's repentance—-especially in cases involving repeated offenses. Even God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance. The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).Of course, only God can read hearts; we must evaluate actions. As Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.Seven Signs of Genuine RepentanceThere are seven signs that indicate the offender is?genuinely?repentant:1. Accepts full responsibility for his or her actions. (Instead of: “Since you think I've done something wrong . . . ” or “If have done anything to offend you . . .”)2.?Welcomes accountability from others.3.?Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.4.?Does not have a defensive attitude about being in the wrong.5.?Does not dismiss or downplay?the hurtful behavior.6.?Does not resent doubts about their sincerity or the need to demonstrate sincerity—-especially in cases involving repeated offenses.7.?Makes restitution where necessary.“If we can restore to full and intimate fellowship with ourselves a sinning and unrepentant brother,” John R. W. Stott wrote in Confess Your Sins, “we reveal not the depth of our love, but its shallowness, for we are doing what is not for his highest good. Forgiveness which by-passes the need for repentance issues not from love but from sentimentality.”Ten Guidelines for Those Hesitant to ReconcileThose who have been seriously (and repeatedly) hurt rightfully feel hesitant about reconciling with their offenders. When your offender is genuinely repentant, however, it's important to be open to the possibility of restoration (unless there is a clear issue of safety involved). Jesus spoke about reconciliation with a sense of urgency (Matthew 5:23-24). If you are hesitant to reconcile, work through these ten guidelines:1.?Be honest about your motives. Make sure your desire is to do what pleases God and not to get revenge. Settle the matter of forgiveness (as Joseph did) in the context of your relationship with God. Guidelines for reconciliation should not be retaliatory.2.?Be humble in your attitude. Do not let pride ruin everything. Renounce all vengeful attitudes toward your offender. We are not, for example, to demand that a person earn our forgiveness. The issue is not earning forgiveness but working toward true reconciliation. This demands humility. Those who focus on retaliation and revenge have allowed self-serving pride to control them.3.?Be prayerful about the one who hurt you. Jesus taught his disciples to pray for those who mistreat them (Luke 6:28). It is amazing how our attitude toward another person can change when we pray for him. Pray also for strength to follow through with reconciliation (Hebrews 4:16).4. Be willing to admit ways you might have contributed to the problem. As Ken Sande writes in The Peacemaker: A?Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict:Even if you did not start the dispute, your lack of understanding, careless words, impatience, or failure to respond in a loving manner may have aggravated the situation. When this happens, it is easy to behave as though the other person's sins more than cancel yours, which leaves you with a self-righteous attitude that can retard forgiveness (i.e. relational forgiveness). The best way to overcome this tendency is to prayerfully examine your role in the conflict and then write down everything you have done or failed to do that may have been a factor.Such a step, however, is not suggested to promote the idea of equal blame for all situations (Matthew 7:1-6).5.?Be honest with the offender. If you need time to absorb the reality of what was said or done, express this honestly to the one who hurt you. Yet we must not use time as a means of manipulation and punishment.6.?Be objective about your hesitancy. Perhaps you have good reasons for being hesitant to reconcile, but they must be objectively stated. Sometimes, for example, repeated confessions and offenses of the same nature make it understandably hard for trust to be rebuilt. This is an objective concern. Clearly define your reasons for doubting your offender's sincerity.7.?Be clear about the guidelines for restoration. Establish clear guidelines for restoration. Requirements like restitution can be clearly understood and include such factors as maintaining financial accountability, holding down a job, or seeking treatment for substance abuse.8.?Be alert to Satan's?schemes. In Ephesians 4:27, Paul warns about the possibility of giving Satan an opportunity in our lives. Significantly, this warning is given in the context of unchecked anger. A few verses later, he wrote, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 4:29-5:2). Meditate on these words and put them into practice.9.?Be mindful of God's control. As the apostle Paul wrote, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). And to the Romans, he wrote,?“We know that God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).To quote once again from Ken Sande,When you are having a hard time forgiving someone (i.e. being restored), take time to note how God may be using that offense for good. Is this an unusual opportunity to glorify God? ?How can you serve others and help them grow in their faith? What sins and weaknesses of yours are being exposed? What character qualities are you being challenged to exercise? When you perceive that the person who has wronged you is being used as an instrument in God's hand to help you mature, serve others, and glorify him, it may be easier for you to move ahead with forgiveness (i.e. restoration).10. Be realistic about the process. Change often requires time and hard work. Periodic failure by an offender does not always indicate an unrepentant heart. Behavior patterns often run in deep channels. They can place a powerful grip on a person's life. A key indicator of change is the attitude of the offender. While you may proceed with some caution, be careful about demanding guarantees from a person who has truly expressed repentance. If they stumble, the process of loving confrontation, confession, and forgiveness may need to be repeated. Setbacks and disappointments are often part of the process of change. Don't give up too easily on the process of reconciliation. Be open to the goal of a fully restored relationship.Steve Cornell is senior pastor at Millersville Bible Church in Millersville, Pennsylvania ................
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