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Boundaries - Brene Brown “Letting people know what is ok with you, and what is not ok with you”.Emotions that you will feel like if you have no boundaries in your life – tired, angry, resentful, low self-esteem, sad, disempowered.People pleasing can make us go to the automatic yes instead of checking in with how we really feel about the decision that you are making. Your yes to someone else is a NO to you.Myth – having boundaries is considered mean or spiteful, bitter. It is not being in a loving space. You have to be in an argument with someone to create a boundary.TruthWhen you let people know your limits. You are giving them a chance to step up and if they can’t then that is up to them. You are doing a disservice by not telling people what your wants and needs are in a friendship or relationship.You leave them guessing as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.You want to be a nice person – but by creating a boundary we are not being nice. But when we are saying the automatic “yes” we are saying no to ourselves.Setting people up to fail if we don’t let them know our boundaries are is not fair, so let them in on what you stand for.Giving people indirect communication about your boundaries by implying to people what you want or getting angry when people don’t pick up on your cues. AwarenessAwareness is the key. What are you ok and not ok with?Who are the people that you identify with now that need a boundary?Setting Boundaries – get clear on what is acceptable and what is not?Where do you feel like you need boundaries? Why do you feel like you need to create a boundary?You will need to become a list maker to do this exercise. Write down - What do you value in a relationship and friendship? Trust, love, freedom, communication?Communication is a big one for me to be able to communicate with my family and friends how I feel and equally communicating with them about what my boundaries are.When everyone is on the same page on what you stand for there is no one left guessing about why you may say no to go out to dinner or why you can’t catch up for coffee. They respect you and know that you are saying no for you and it has nothing to do with them.How to set boundaries?When you make a list of what your values are and have identified the people that need a boundary set, you can start to look at what actions that you can take.Boundaries are set when we go back to our values – does it align? No? Then it will be a no thank you. Only have people in your life that light you the hell up. And that you want to say a big YES too. Is there love given and received equally?Check in with yourself when the phone rings and it is the person that you need to set the boundary with – it may be that you don’t answer or you do answer and let them know that you are busy and you will call them back.Don’t let people bully you into going anywhere – if you feel pressured, speak from the heart and say no politely. If the person internalises that no – then that is their issue to work e from your heart space always.If there is an issue bring it up at the time and not 5 days later. Awareness and Communication are key.Things that you may experience when setting boundaries.The person may become hysterical and have a full-blown adult tantrum because you are showing up differently and people don’t like change. When we draw boundaries with friends and family they more than likely won’t like it – they will want you to change back. They may say things like – I don’t want you to change, I want to you to stay the same. How you can respond?I’m sorry you feel that way. This boundary is important to me. I have a request that you respect my boundaries. This is no reflection of how much I love you.Key take away.You don’t know what you don’t know – you don’t just go and learn a new language and pick it up straight away – you need to work on it and make it a habit that you integrate into your life. It can take up to a year to change this behaviour – but it is worth it.If we don’t have boundaries we cannot truly express our authentic self.If we see people that we have made a boundary with and we see them, the best thing to do is acknowledge them and say hello and then keep walking. You can use this with negative people.Clair xxSome of the Information in this document was sourced from the amazing Melissa Ambrosini and Terri Cole – The Melissa Ambrosini Show. ................
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