FACTORS IN MARRIAGE SUCCESS OR FAILURE



FACTORS IN MARRIAGE SUCCESS OR FAILURE

[Source: Gottman, J. (1999) The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically-based Marriage Therapy]

Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning.

By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Gottman identified eight major areas in couple’s relationships that can predict with 94% accuracy whether the relationship will succeed or fail. What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? On the following pages are the top eight factors that he identified with successful long-term relationships. Each factor is followed by an exercise that you and your partner may want to complete to enhance that aspect of your relationship.

FACTOR #1:

Knowledge of Each Other’s Worlds

Are the partners aware of each other’s worries, interests, stress, dreams, goals, desires, preferences, etc.? Knowing them and taking them into account is predictive of success.

PRACTICE #1:

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE

By giving honest answers to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on this first principle, both of you should complete the following.

Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”

1. I can name my partner’s best friends. T F

2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. T F

3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. T F

4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. T F

5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. T F

6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life. T F

7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. T F

8. I know my partner’s favorite music. T F

9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies. T F

10. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. T F

11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life. T F

12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. T F

13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. T F

14. I know my partner’s major current worries. T F

15. My spouse knows who my friends are. T F

16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. T F

17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. T F

18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now. T F

19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. T F

20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. T F

Scoring: One point for each True Answer.

10or above: This is an area of strength for your marriage. You have a fairly detailed map of your spouse’s everyday life, hopes, fears, and dreams.

Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Take time to learn more about your spouse now. You will find your relationship becomes stronger.

“There are few gifts a couple can give each other greater than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.”

Source: Gottman, J. (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

FACTOR #2:

Keeping Sight of the Positive

Couples succeed when they are able to both notice and acknowledge the positive things that happen in their relationship, especially when they are upset with each other. They also remember and discuss positive memories more often.

PRACTICE #2:

I APPRECIATE……….

From the list below, circle three things that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still circle just three. (You can circle another three if you choose to do this exercise again.) Think of specific incidents where your partner displayed the characteristics. Share the characteristic and incident with your partner.

|LOVING |37. A GREAT FRIEND |

|SENSITIVE |38. EXCITING |

|BRAVE |39. THRIFTY |

|GENEROUS |40. FULL OF PLANS |

|TRUTHFUL |41. SHY |

|STRONG |42. COMMITTED |

|ENERGETIC |43. INVOLVED |

|SEXY |44. EXPRESSIVE |

|DECISIVE |45. ACTIVE |

|CREATIVE |46. CAREFUL |

|IMAGINATIVE |47. RESERVED |

|FUN |48.ADVENTEROUS |

|ATTRACTIVE |49. RECEPTIVE |

|INTERESTING |50. RELIABLE |

|SUPPORTIVE |51.RESPONSIBLE |

|FUNNY |52.DEPENDABLE |

|CONSIDERATE |53.NUTURING |

|AFFECTIONATE |54.WARM |

|ORGANIZED |55.VIRILE |

|RESOUCEFUL |56.KIND |

|ATHLETIC |57.GENTLE |

|CHEERFUL |58.PRACTICAL |

|COORDINATED |59.LUSTY |

|GRACEFUL |60.WITTY |

|ELEGANT |61.RELAXED |

|GRACIOUS |62.BEAUTIFUL |

|PLAYFUL |63.HANDSOME |

|CARING |64.RICH |

|THOUGHTFUL |65.CALM |

|INTELLIGENT |66. LIVELY |

|A GREAT PARENT |67.A GREAT PARTNER |

|ASSERTIVE |68.POWERFUL |

|PROTECTIVE |69.FLEXIBLE |

|SWEET |70.UNDERSTANDING |

|TENDER |71.TOTALLY SILLY |

|LOYAL |72. VULNERABLE |

FACTOR #3:

Turning Toward

Partners who initiate small acts of caring or connection, delivered without strings attached, are more likely to end up in successful relationships than partners who neglect such small acts. These partners also make more bids for connection with their partners and they pick up on and respond to small bids that their partners make. Successful partners allow themselves to need nurturing from their partners and provide emotional nurturing as well.

PRACTICE #3:

IS YOUR MARRIAGE PRIMED FOR ROMANCE?

To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle T for “true” and F for “false.”

1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F

2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F

3. At the end of the day, my partner is glad to see me. T F

4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F

5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F

6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F

7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F

8. We just love talking to each other. T F

9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F

10. We always have a lot to say to each other. T F

11. We have a lot of fun together. T F

12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F

13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F

14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F

15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F

16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F

17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F

18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. T F

19. Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time. T F

20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.

10 or above: This is an area of strength in your marriage.

Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area by learning to turn toward each other during the minor moments in your day.

The first step in “turning toward” each other is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage but to its ongoing sense of romance.

FACTOR #4

“We-ness”

Successful partners plan their lives together, avoiding the temptation to make arbitrary decisions. They talk – and sometimes argue – with each other until they can agree on important priorities. They plan the broad strokes of their lives, making efforts to support each other’s dreams, and they also plan small details such as which movies to attend or which restaurants to go to.

PRACTICE #4

THE NEGOTIATION TREE

Step One: DEFINE AND COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEM

Is the problem clear to you?

If yes… If no…

State your problem to your partner. Can your partner help you clarify?

Step Two: AGREE TO NEGOTIATE

Do you both agree to negotiate?

If yes… If no…

Proceed to Step Three. Reassure your partner.

Step Three: SET THE STAGE

A. Choose a time and Place

B. Establish Goodwill

C. Reassure

Step Four: STATE YOUR WANTS

Are you both clear about your own wants?

If yes… If no…

Proceed to Step V. Clarify your wants and share them

Step Five: EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS AND DECIDE

A. Establish Options

B. Confirm Your Decision

C. Write Your Agreement

D. Celebrate

Adapted from: How To Be A Couple And Still Be Free

by Tina B. Tessina, PhD and Riley K. Smith, M.A.

FACTOR #5

Soft vs. Harsh Starting of Arguments

Although all couples argue, there is no relationship between the amount of arguing and the success of the relationship. The studies suggest tat 96% of the time, the outcome of an argument can be predicted by what happens in the first three minutes of the argument. Successful partners complain, but avoid criticism and contempt, especially at the start of an argument.

PRACTICE #5

X-Y-Z STATEMENT

“When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.”

Think of something that irritates, bothers, frustrates you about your partner. Then say it to him/her using the X-Y-Z format. For example: When you didn’t call me when you were going to be late (X) for our dinner appointment (Y), I felt frustrated (Z).”

The above is a complaint. A complaint is limited to one situation. It states how you feel. Think of your complaint as a set of directions. (”I’m upset because you didn’t take out the garbage tonight.”)

A criticism tends to be global and includes blaming your partner. You’ll often find the word always or never in a criticism. (“You never take out the garbage. Now it’s overflowed and that’s your fault. I can’t ever rely on you.”)

Contempt adds insult to the criticism. It is verbal character assassination in which you accuse your spouse of stupidity, incompetence, etc.. (“You idiot, why can’t you ever remember to take out the garbage.”)

FACTOR #6

Accepting Influence

When disagreements arise, intimate partners tend to first think about the reasonableness of their own position and the unreasonableness of their partner’s position. However, at some point in the argument, partners who succeed also manage to acknowledge that there is some reasonable part of what their partner is saying or wanting, even if they cannot agree with their partner’s overall request or point of view. Partners who succeed are also more willing to make small accommodations, rather than issuing flat-out rejections.

PRACTICE #6

Validation

Validation is simply putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagining his/her emotional state. It is a real art and has many gradations.

o Taking responsibility for a mistake made is validating to your partner.

o Apologizing is a very strong form of validation because it lets your partner know that you consider his/her gripe to be valid and worth respecting

o Compliment

o Simply listening and acknowledging your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t share it, can work wonders.

The COUPLE’S DIALOGUE is a structured way to guarantee that your partner will feel validated. Whenever your partner begins a serious conversation, you respond like a mirror, rather than react.

1. Mirror: “What I heard you say is…” or “Let me see if I got it.”

Note: When there is a natural pause, the receiver will say two things:

a. “Am I mirroring you accurately?”

b. “Is there anything more you would like to say about that?”

When the sender has finished sending, the receiver moves on to:

2. Validation:

a. The first thing to do is to summarize in a few sentences what has been said and check out the accuracy by saying, “Is that a good summary?”

b. Then say a few sentences like: “I am listening to you carefully. I follow what you are saying and you make sense to me.” But you must end up saying the sentence: “You make sense.”

3. Empathy: “I imagine you might be feeling….or “I imagine you might have felt….

Then you must make some guesses at what the sender is feeling. Feelings are stated in one word (i.e.: angry, confused, sad, upset, etc.) If your guess entails more than one word, it is probably a thought. (“You feel that YOU don’t want to go with me.” This is a thought, not a feeling.) Also, one never knows for sure what another person is feeling. Therefore, check out your guess by saying:

“Is that what you are feeling?”

When the sender shares with you other feelings, mirror back what you heard. Then inquire:

“Are there any other feelings you are having?”

Then mirror what is said.

4. When the receiver has gone through all three parts (mirror, validation and empathy) then he/she says: “I would like to respond now.”

Then there is a switch and the receiver now becomes the sender.

FACTOR #7

Effective Repair

During arguments, partners destined to succeed often look very much like partners who are destined to fail in relationships. There is, however, one significant argument behavior, contempt, that itself is powerful enough to predict breakup of the relationship. What is most significant is the ability to repair arguments or failed bids for connection that is predictive of success. Couples who fail fight poorly consistently, while couples who succeed fight poorly but do better the next time around.

PRACTICE #7

THE FOUR KEYS TO IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE

CALM DOWN: Whenever you’re angry during an argument, call a time out, then negotiate a time to return to the discussion. You return only after your pulse rate has returned to normal.

SPEAK AND LISTEN NON-DEFENSIVELY: Use the X-Y-Z Statement. Take responsibility for speaking in a manner which makes it easier for your partner to really hear you. Listen with care. Paraphrase what s/he is saying and feeling. Let your tone of voice and body language communicate your desire to understand.

VALIDATE: Acknowledge some truth in your partner’s point of view. Find common ground.

OVERLEARN: Try and try again.

FACTOR #8

Avoidance of Gridlock

The research shows that about 69% of the issues that couples argue about are issues that do not go away over the life of the relationship because they are based on very fundamental differences in personality, styles, beliefs or values. This is true of both relationships that fail and relationships that succeed. The difference between success and failure does not have to do with solving the problem; rather success can be predicted by the avoidance of gridlock on these issues. Partners who succeed are still occasionally irritated by their partner’s behaviors and attitudes. However, they find ways of lessening the irritation by understanding and supporting the basic dreams that underlie the intensity of each other’s feelings on the issue.

PRACTICE #8

Understand and Support the Underlying Dream

Take turns asking one another about the feelings, history, convictions, underlying his/her entrenched position. Honor one another’s dream by listening without blaming or criticizing, and by asking questions to further understand your partner’s experience.

Define areas of flexibility surrounding the area of entrenchment.

Seek a compromise, a win-win approach. Use the negotiation tree.

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