One liners





Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The

stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed

per passenger."

2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other

says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an

hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But

why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a

family in  Egypt  and is named "Ahmal." The  other goes to a family in

Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself

to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that

she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're

twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened

up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers

from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He

went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival

florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to

"persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,

saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,

thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,

which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad

breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super

calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

Kurt Vonnegut's Commencement Address to MIT

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas

the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering

experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not

understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But

trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in

a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how

fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as

effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The

real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your

worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're

behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The

most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do

with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you

won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on

your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself

too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what

other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Darwin Awards

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over the top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid rocket fuel) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at the height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Darwin Award Losers (but wait until next year)

From a radio program, true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite) .... under the brand new Cherokee.

BOOM! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments...

By the way, the next time I am pelted with verbally abusive language during the course of my work day I have decided to respond with another Isaac Asimov definition for vulgar language. It is as follows: Ordinary people, who are not well educated and who lack a large working vocabulary, are limited in their ability to lend force to their statements. In their search for force, they must therefore make use of vulgarisms which serve, through their shock value, but which, through overuse, quickly lose whatever force they have, so that the purpose of the use is defeated.

Too Expensive

===========

A man says to his wife, "I would like to give you something-how would you like a new car?" She replies "No I really don't want a new car." He says "Then let me get you something nice from Tiffany's." She answers "No, I really don't want any jewelry."

He then says "How about a nice sable fur coat?" Again she says, "No." So he asks her

what she would like, and she replies "A divorce..."

To which he replies "I really wasn't planning on spending that much."

Stopped by the Police

================

A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer. 'I juggle them in my act.'

Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.'

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!'

ALLIGATOR SHOES

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the

worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices

the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"

attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,

"maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can

get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you

will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier

saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few

hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the

water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy

in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a

tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards

one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed

its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with

very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore

and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several

more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't

have any shoes either!"

These are actual bumper stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Montana – At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

* Keep honking...I'm reloading

1. Growing Up

Fellow walked into his Grandsons' bedroom and found them both busy studying

at their desks. The first boy was reading a book on aviation. "What do you

want to be when you grow up ?" asked the Grandfather, looking at the boy

intently staring at the latest in military jets.

"I want to go to the Naval Academy, GrandPa; then try to get into Naval

aviation. I've always dreamed of being a pilot," said the first boy, a sparkle

in his eyes.

The Grandfather walked over to the other boy was studying one of his Father's

"PlayBoy" magazines just as intently as his brother was the book on aviation.

"And you Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up ?" asked the

Grandfather a little hesitantly.

"Nothing sir," the boy said wistfully, "just grown up."

2. Appointments

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he

rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns

over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a

dentist appointment, too?"

3. The Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut

of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we

close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came

around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make

today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,

then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small

fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going

fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so

I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner

with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able

to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe

Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to

a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife

and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

4. Saving Clinton

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a ridge

into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the

accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the

wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United

States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

5. Cause of Death

There was three guys waiting in line to go to heaven. Saint Peter says,

"Heaven is kind of full right now if you can give me a good reason and how

you died I'll let you in" so they all agree. The first guy goes and says this

" I came home early from work cause I heard my wife was having an affair, so

I walked in the door and I saw her in bed naked. I asked her why she was

home. She said she was sick. So I went out on the balcony and saw a guy

hanging off the side so I start beating his hands with a sledgehammer and he

fell but a bush broke his fall. so I take my refrigerator and throw it on him

but during all this I have a heart attack and die." So Saint Peter nods his

head and lets him in. The second guy walks up and tells his story "I was

practicing gymnastics on my balcony when I feel and grabbed on some guys

balcony and he comes out and starts hitting my hands with a sledge hammer so

I fall but a bush broke my fall then he throws his refrigerator on me. So I

died." Saint Peter nods his head and lets him in. The third guy comes up and

says, "I was butt-naked in a refrigerator"

6. Blondes with Dogs

There were 2 blondes at the veterinary.1 had a Great Dane and 1 had a poodle.

The one with the Great Dane asked the one with the poodle, "What are you here

for?" She answered, "I am here to get him neutered." She said, "Oh, I see,

why is that?" The woman with the poodle replied, "Because every time I have

company over, he is always mounting their legs." The blond with the Great

Dane said, "I have a similar problem, every time I bend over, my dog mounts

me." The poodle owner asked, "Are you here to get him neutered too?" She

said, "NO, I'M HERE TO GET HIS NAILS CUT!"

7. Gone Fishing

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just

come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a

lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and

especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he

returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes,

great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and

says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

8. Unmarried Daughter

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator.

She screams at her "What are you doing?" The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40

years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the nineties, give

me a break!" The mother shakes her head and leaves. The next day the father

walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing...he screams "What's going

on here?" The daughter explains the same situation to him.... He shakes his

head and leaves. That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the

father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the

other. She says, " What on earth are you doing with that?" The father sits

back and replies..." Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his

son-in law?"

9. The Maid

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy

says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid." answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her

husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make

$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and

the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple

of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh... is this 832-4821?"

Do you think saying "Oops" would be enough to cover up this blunder?

10. Sleeping with Cindy

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the

second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy

manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of

strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote

island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head

and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also

managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,

and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing

again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "You saved my

life." He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.

They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.

Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love

morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter,

sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with

you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going

to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your

face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the

other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You will

never believe who I'm sleeping with!

Quote of the Week:

When they start requesting a blonde baby sitter instead of a brunette,

they're old enough to stay home alone.

Actual article from the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot out he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and

struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,

propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story.

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!

9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry but that's like looking

through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the

guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just

guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his little

journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to

the emergency room. Sorry, but I think would have made up a story about a gang of

roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with

a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't

imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this

gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and

discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy

poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five

most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:"Idiotic white men

who insert rodents up their butts."

2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm

starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

Top 100 reasons women wished they were MEN

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Nite Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone

crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking

“He must be mad at me”

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is your's and your's alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's sports center.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've

changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*ck it!"

88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong

buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it

across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. TheRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

This guy goes to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place. I've n'ver been here." The first guys says."Oh, really?" The other replies, "It's also a very

special bar." "Why is that?" the first guy asks."Well you see that painting on the far

wall? That's an original Van Gogh and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says."Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you*ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way. that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look." the other man replies and walks over to the window followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See,it's fun. You should try it " he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts."It's easy. Watch. I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again.He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right

back up and sails back through the window. "Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast." he says. "Well what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out of the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...400...500...1000 feet and

SPLAT! ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman,you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He locates in the yellow pages a gorilla removal service. When he calls to ask if they could remove the gorilla the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"

"Male," replies the man.

"Yeah we can do it. We'll be right there."

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. Then the service guy proceeds to give the man instructions.

"I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained chihuahua will bite off the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands in front of him to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the chihuahua."

One day a pastor was preaching his sermon. At one point he told the

congregation that anything in their lives that was happening, it had

happened in the Bible at some point. After church a lady walked up to

the pastor and told him that she doubted that PMS was ever mentioned in

the Bible. The Pastor told her that he would check into it. The next

week the Pastor pulled the woman aside and told her that he found a

place in the Bible having to do with her question. He said that in the

Bible it mentions: "and Mary rode Joseph's Ass all the way into Bethlehem."

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,

Relief Maid

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid -

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left three new bars of soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have

accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

*On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

*On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

*On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

*Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

*In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

*On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

*On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S.Berman

"I'm sure we will all spend years pondering..."

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with the hand basket?

Computerized Medical Diagnostics

One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody, "Man! My elbow really hurts.

I guess I should go see a doctor." Woody said, "Don't do that!

"There's a computer at the corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only cost 10 bucks." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and deposited the 10 bucks.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started to flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER.

AVOID HEAVY LABOR. WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the

concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer.

Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample and deposited 10 bucks.

The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER.

YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORM. BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC.

YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS…THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving,

he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens,

but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered that he's a homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

You might be from Alabama if .....

1.You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

2.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

3.You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

4.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

5.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

6.You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

7.You clean your fingernails with a stick.

8.Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

9.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door and chalk body-outlines on the floor..

10.You ever got too drunk to fish.

11.You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

12.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

13.You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

14.You've ever financed a tattoo.

15.You've ever bought a used hat.

16.You're considered an expert on worm beds.

17.Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.

18.You learned to drive in a monster truck.

19.Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.

20.You believe pro wrestling should be an Olympic competition.

21.You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.

22.You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.

23.Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt

the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says, Hi, what's your name?"

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."

The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money.

All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what It is."

The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

Q: Did You hear what happened to Monica Lewinsky this morning?

A: She coughed up some new evidence.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Monica Lewinsky to play?

A: Swallow the leader

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?

A: They both want Clinton's head.

Q: What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?

A: Spot remover.

Q: What did Hillary Clinton change her name to?

A: Sharon Peters

Q: What did Clinton say to the new female intern?

A: I haven't come across your face.

Q: What is Clinton's worst nightmare?

A: An intern with braces.

Q: How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton? A: You've got french fries in your hair, and

Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kaczynski?

A: A Dynamite Blowjob

Q: What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?

A: When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

Q: What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common?

A: They both blew the big one.

Q: What's the difference between Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and Monica Lewinsky?

A: Monica is the only one who took a shot in the head from Bill and lived to tell about it.

Q: What do OJ and Clinton have in common?

A: Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q: What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?

A: Sore knees.

Q: What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?

A: The President after Bush

Q: What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?

A: My Taste For Power

Q: What do you call Clinton's fly?

A: U.S. Open

Q: Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?

A: Lorena Bobbitt

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: CHELSEA

Q: What did the Chinese Premier say to Clinton as he boarded Air Force One to leave China?

A: Rotsa Ruck on your next erection!

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled

up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg

because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,

screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking

b) screwing

c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) your blood-test results

c) five tequila slammers

3) You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first

b) you both climax simultaneously

c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play

b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend need ever find out about

5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is

a) the best part of the experience

b) the second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) not a problem, she can join your gym

c) a conservative estimate

7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth

b) an oxymoron

c) a moron

8) Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree

b) primer is to paint

c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) is uptight and a waste of time

c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're more than a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

Cigars and Insurance

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued - and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were

insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, the doctor decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Proud Dads

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local

dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his

birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a

hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK,OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the

Logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're Thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Subject: Recent Children's Books You Will NEVER see...

* Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games.

* You Were an Accident.

* Strangers Have the Best Candy.

* The Little Sissy Who Snitched.

* Some Kittens Can Fly, Can Yours?!

* Where would You Like To Be Buried?

* Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her.

* The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Anima....Hey, Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

* All Dogs Go To Hell.

* Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia.

* What Is that Dog Doing To That Other Dog?

* Bi-Curious George.

* Daddy Drinks Because You Cry.

* You Are Different and That's Wrong.

* Dad's New Wife Timothy.

* Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Household Pets.

* The Boy Who Died From Eating All of His Vegetables.

* The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy.

* Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.

* The Care Bears Maul Some Campers.

* Controlling the Playground, Respect Through Fear.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting Book about sexual statistics.

It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the

biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

To my outdoorsmen friends: Subject: Bear Warning

In light of the rising frequency of grizzly bear attacks in the area, the Department of Forestry is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop:

Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT

Last week there was a very important meeting between God, Moses, and the Pope.

They were troubled because of the way President Clinton was behaving. They decided that the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. The problem was how to word it so it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration to others.

After prolonged meditation and discussion, they decided on:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Women Bashing

HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

WHAT IS LOVE?

The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when

they go, they take half your house with them.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?

After 5 years your job still sucks.

WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?

How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?

WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

Because they don't have balls.

WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?

If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?

You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?

A bitch who won't do as she's told.

WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?

They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?

Marriage.

WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?

They want to.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?

Lipstick.

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?

Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.

WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?

Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

WHAT IS A WIFE?

An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?

The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?

So men will talk to them

WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?

They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?

A hundred dollar bill

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?

Because they deserve them.

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.” The husband says, “Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” She says, “I don't care. Just get out.”

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in...

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched..."Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a kit kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her, and shouted "Stop!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a

beer coaster, held it up to him, and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her....Stark Naked, and holding a sizable erection in

his hand. "OH, NO," said Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." The son

then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well, son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 packs of

condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for......

Three bulls heard it through the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised an immediate discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, ya'll know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I sure as hell ain’t givin’ him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

A Nerd on Campus

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Montana grizzly bear notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear shit.

Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear shit has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Subject: Wife2K

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, WWF 2.5, and 3 Stooges 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever elected.

I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0, and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the

Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personnel managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So, one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

We recite at a play, and play at a recital. Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship. Have noses that run and feet that smell. Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked English. It's not my fault. The silly language doesn't know whether it's coming or going.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shown his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark

saying "Jesus is watching YOU"

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching YOU."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, the squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

I Feel Fine

Bufford decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Bufford. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Bufford responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Bufford said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply

answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Bufford's answer and said to

the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Bufford thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer run the stop sign and smacked up side of my truck and stove it all in."

"I was thrown plumb into one ditch and Bessie was throwed into t'other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in tarrble shape just by her hearin' her groans."

"Presently, right after the accident, a Highway Policeman come on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groaning' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Policeman come across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your mule yonder was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feelin'?"

11/23/2009

Redneck Medical Terminology:

Benign: What you be after you be eight

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do when patients die

Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Catscan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

D&C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Fibula: A small lie

Genital: Non-Jewish person

G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: I knew it

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative: A letter carrier

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery

Rectum: Damn near killed him

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: Famous Roman emperor

Tablet: A small table

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the bus station

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you're out

Varicose: Near by/close by

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.

"You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband

offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS sure is hot down here.

• What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

• What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.

• If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

• What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

• What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

• What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

• What is the new O. J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape

• What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

• What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

• What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything.

• If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?

The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

• Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit-bull

• What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber? A robber snatches watches.

• How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

New concerns for the Boomer generation

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: A keg

Now: A ekg

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.

Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents

Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems

Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints

Now: Popping joints

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel

Now: The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Paar

Now: AARP

Then: Killer weed

Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW

Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Getting a new hip joint

Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes

English phrase Chinese Interpretation

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright Yu So Dum

I got this for free Ai No Pei

I am not guilty... Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. Would you like to see it?" "$50? For a Frog?" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again.

The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing, looking through

cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" .....

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

It is again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1999. Darwins are awarded to the person who has best contributed to the survival of the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacularly stupid manner - this person is usually an American.

You may recall 1997's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take Off) rocket he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.

1998 was the ice fishermen who blew up their new Jeep Cherokee.

The 1999 nominees are:

#1 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-person firm.

#2 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

#3 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".

#4 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith and Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

#5 [Bloomberg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man

died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas". Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

#6 [The News of the weird] Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

#7 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

#8 [Unknown] Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

#9 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue. State police inspector Brian Payne said Wednesday Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night. "Another man had the cap in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it," Payne said "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off".

#10 [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the

road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that

the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fusebox next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and

just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right

testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicle off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. Said State Trooper Ken

Snyder, "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened". Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

BUT WAIT - THERE ARE MORE:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of shit!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all

that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents."

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

6. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

7. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away.

They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports, They sent faxes, They sent out e-mail, They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded, They did some genealogy reports, They made cards, They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off.

But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print ," it was all there. "How did he do

it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."

Subject: Stupidity...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just kept those 5 year olds off

those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs’ superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Only In America:

- can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

- do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from

someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"

meaning blood-sucking creatures".

- do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead

of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably

shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

3 wishes

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said ,"That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him...".

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me...". So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you...". The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...".

So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can

kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the

day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will

continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do

not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,

or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within

eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a

chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop: “How come you don't stop them?!”

“Well, that's a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.”

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One of the students, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more that one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law sates that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as

souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1)If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A in that class.

Subject: Little Johnny

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are

only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just

adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far".

Lessons I've learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Senility Prayer

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into

the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing .. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. It is easier getting older than it is wiser.

6. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

7. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

8. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.

10. It's hard to make a come back, when you haven't been anywhere.

11. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

A Man and Woman have been having a relationship for about four months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit

late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought maybe we could go off somewhere more intimate so we'd talk more openly. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder if it's me. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because, you know, he doesn't say it back. We finally get back to his place and I'm just convinced he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted; afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, maybe he's met someone else....

His story:

Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.

Celibacy Test

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".

*Ting-a-ling*

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

01. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

02. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down.

03. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

04. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

05. Get rid of your cat

06. Sunday = sports.

07. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

08. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about

having their boobs stared at.

09. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up and from three feet away is more difficult than peeing from

point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you

sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I Love YOU " like sex

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in

that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably

got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement

and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve

work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who

practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution

to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1. " ...... Amen."

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger a few weeks ago. Here is David Letterman's top ten McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new “McRibbed.”

9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"

3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like “prophylactic device”.

And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown - BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.

The Paradox of our Time - by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the times of world "peace" but constant conflict, more leisure but less enjoyment, more kinds of food but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom, a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

READ THIS - LET IT REALLY SINK IN...

THEN CHOOSE HOW YOU START YOUR DAY..TOMORROW

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it. You can't be positive all the time. How do you do it?" Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Mike, you have two choices today.

You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right. It isn't that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices.

When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations.

You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the tower industry to start my own business.

We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses,

I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked me if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I said.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.

I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity.’ Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live.

Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

I learned from him that every day we have a choice to live fully.

Attitude is everything. You have two choices now: 1) delete this; 2) forward it to the people you care about.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her,

tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked. Bring food.

DISCLAIMER: This is by Dennis Leary

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from a rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not

forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise

enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!

What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:

Make a wish!!! No, really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not that, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :)

Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high

building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter,

and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in klaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:

Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it.

Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4: As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes, A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life, A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs, A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty

about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.

Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!

Some people are never satisfied.....enjoy

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a

pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel

apple!"

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

OUR TOP 10 SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:

Viagra ­ The quicker dicker upper

Viagra ­ One-a-day, like iron

Viagra ­ When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

Viagra ­ Home of the whopperViagra ­ It plumps when you take 'em

Viagra ­ Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

Viagra ­ Tastes great, more fillingViagra ­ Ten inches long ... and growing.

Viagra ­ We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan we're considering for Viagra

This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

The Top 12 Pet Peeves of Pets

12. Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

11. Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

10. Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

9. Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.

8. Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!

7. Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!!

6. Dog: Human legs that just tease.

5. Dingoes: When you snatch a bony, crunchy baby instead of a plump, juicy one.

4. Cat: Why are these people in my house?

3. Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls!!!!

2. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve of Pets...

1. Guppy: Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've got one of those stringy turds hanging.

The President got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea. "

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied....

"Nice trade, sir."

There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate.” in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, “ That was good, but I want the word “fascinate.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten

8."

The best real names for country songs

Git yur tongue outta mah mouth, 'cause Ah'm kissin' you goodbye

Her teeth was stained, but her heart was pure.

I still miss you, but my aim's gettin' better

If I shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out of stir by now.

My wife run away with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.

She got the ring and I got the finger

You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

I haven't gone to bed with any ugly women, but I've woke up with a few

I wouldn't take her to a dog fight, 'cause I'm afraid she'd win

I bought a car from the guy who stole my girl, but it don't run so we're even.

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

"Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

George Carlin quote:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. you do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm."

From Bill Gates BOOK FOR HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE GRADUATES:

Here is a list of 11 things they did not learn in school. In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with someone you know.

RULE 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

RULE 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.

RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Phrases you wish you could use at work:

How about never? Is never good for you?

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had

to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on

today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have

to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember.....

When I'm having a really bad day,

and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,

that it takes 42 muscles to frown and

only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had many, many partners

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once took grandma to Easter service

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

This collection is bound to offend everyone...

What do you call a Tennessee farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time"

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Dear Mom and Dad:

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us

take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm,

we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is pedophile? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM.............

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it

to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Subject: Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?

A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her

husband. "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, babe?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

“Wedding night” A Real Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole".

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, ‘OK, take off all you crose.’ The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman

did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,

"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

The Year's Best Actual Headlines (yes, they are real)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient's medical history has been insignificant with only a 40 lb wt. gain in the past three days.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES AND ENJOY THE VIEW

There are so many things we take for granted. I am thankful for:

-The mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

-The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.

-The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

-My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

-The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

-All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

-That lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

-The piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.

-The lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I

have a home.

-My huge heating bill because it means that I am warm.

-Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means that I have been productive.

-The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

No matter how much we may not like something, or hate to do something, we are better off than others.

~ Live Well ~ Laugh Often ~ Love Much~

This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is a few seconds to read and think.

I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L IF E

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older & think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Diving Isn't for You

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks you take

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?

All men are idiots... and I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice) We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

NEBRASKA At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people...He made SO many

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will..I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

MONEY

It can buy you a House, but not a Home

It can buy you a Bed, but not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock, but not Time

It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position, But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine, But not Health

It can buy you Blood, But not Life

It can buy you Sex, But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything.

The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend,

I want to take away your needless pain and suffering.

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":

- tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver

….in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. DON'T try this @ home!)

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. (Presbyterian)

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (does that really surprise any of us?)

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

No president of the United States was an only child.

A man decided to have a facelift for his birthday. He spent $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

The next morning, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47", the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're about 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's really feeling good about himself. While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As no one else was around the man agreed and let her slip her hand down his pants. Two minutes later the old lady says, "OK, you're 47."

Stunned the man says, "Incredible! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's."

Arkansas Rednecks

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pickup line in Arkansas? Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Arkansas? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and: the front desk says go ahead"

How can you tell if a redneck is married? Dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear they raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32?

Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.

What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and famous.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas state lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Did ya hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock burned down? Yep, Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Arkansas? I-40

Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" The driver says, " 'bout what"?

A new law recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansans in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally

Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"

Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of the street towards each other, and one is caring a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey TommyRay, What'cha got in the bag?" "Jus' some Chickens. "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses how many they are, I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmm....Five?"

Subject: still crying - Texas Chili Cook-off

Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope this is the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbeque?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I waved off two people who tried to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid was standing beside me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.

Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on himself.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

The Old Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

So, the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old guy, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Darn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!

Subject: Dates

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all

a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in

wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

A True Friend...

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he

is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

It's so good to have a friend you can trust.

PUNS

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

6. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

7. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

And the worst of the bunch:

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,

saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving

(Brace yourself.) That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Keep Life in Perspective

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 80 success is having friends.

At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

Ebonics version of Windows 98

Compton City Schools has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, Retitled: "Dis Be a Fresh Window" has been leaked to several white suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass." The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall -- along with several gangsta signs,

slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet Explorer shortcut reads, "Tittie & Booty Sites."

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da Hood."

Users have their choice of three animated screen savers:

"Marquee, "a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen;

"Mystify," a 15-year-old crack whore giving birth to 12 children on screen, or

"Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes:

Break Back In = Reentry

Aww Shit, Nigga = Error

U Betta Recognize = No

Itz All Good = OK

4 Real Doe = Yes

Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel

Do Dat Shit Again = Reset

Nigga, R U Crazy? = Are You Sure?

Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find

Put A Cap In It = Delete

Games & Shit = Programs

Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials." The word-processing program greatly differs from the mainstream program.

Several functions on the title bar have been changed:

Dat be Thang = File

I Be Seein' It = View

Put Sumpin In = Insert

Hook It Up = Format

Stuff I Ain't Need = Tools

Number Shit = Table

Break In = Window

What Da Fuck? = Help

Note: "Stuff I Ain't Need" does not include spelling or grammar check options. Also, the familiar "AutoCorrect" has been replaced with "Keepin' It Real."

LAST PAGE BEFORE PRINTING VOLUME 1 12/00

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in

the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus....

(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus....

(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus....

(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....

(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...

(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...

(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus...

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...

(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would like very much to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. While filled with illusions, I wrote you this letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There

was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

SO WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, JUST TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING THINGS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!

DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP!!

I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID-ASS REINDEER OF YOURS AND SCARE

THEM THE FUCK AWAY SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE

NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING

BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!!

YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA? FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN

REALLY FUCKING BE....YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG!! SO

WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

The best part about this is looking at who said these things...

Interesting Quotes from Interesting People...

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"

-- Patricia Arquette

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

-- Sharon Stone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

-- Tiger Woods

(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

--Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."

-- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

-- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."

-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

-- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, my favorite...

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting? That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

And all I could think was, GO ARMY!

OLD -

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

   1.  Sag, You're it

   2.  Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

   3.  20 questions shouted into your good ear.

   4.  Kick the bucket

   5.  Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

   6.  Doc Goose

   7.  Simon says something incoherent.

   8.  Hide and go pee

   9.  Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

  10.  Musical recliners

"OLD" IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

WISDUMB:

1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only

expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the

bathroom.

6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,

there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression

he just cleaned the whole house.

8. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up

at work.

9. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people

to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

10. Blondie told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to

rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker

fluid."

11. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It

won't work and you can't fire it.

12. I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write

me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole

on a condemned building.

Does the expression, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells... 

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay!

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

 

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: 

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. 

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the  phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. 

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on  your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. 

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.  You will notice in small print the statement that  "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." 

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS NOT STRAIGHT

THERE IS A CURVE CALLED FAILURE....A LOOP CALLED CONFUSION...

SPEED BUMPS CALLED FRIENDS...RED LIGHTS CALLED ENEMIES...

CAUTION LIGHTS CALLED FAMILY...YOU WILL HAVE FLATS CALLED JOBS

BUT...

IF YOU HAVE A SPARE CALLED DETERMINATION...

AN ENGINE CALLED PERSEVERANCE...INSURANCE CALLED FAITH...

A DRIVER CALLED JESUS...

YOU WILL MAKE IT TO A PLACE CALLED SUCCESS!

The Horse and the Chicken.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from

sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken

did and pulled himself to safety.

THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST FOR A MAN...

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of  Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

The Typical Attorney

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his Ex-accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

 The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "Wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a brown

suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says, Go to hell, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

ANDY ROONEY -- THE BEST QUOTES

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take 2 and keep away from children.

It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure."

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN -- by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,

and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to

share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to

deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on

cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives

a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we

observe daylight saving time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think

she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal

about your birthday.  That time is age eleven.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,

economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that

we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are

not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:  Never be afraid to try something new. 

Remember that amateurs built the ark... PROFESSIONALS BUILT THE TITANIC!

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

--Ernest Hemingway

Wee –

What's the best form of birth control after 50?   Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?  45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?  45 minutes.

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts?  Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?  A Bingo Machine.

Why did God create alcohol?  So ugly people could have sex too.

What three two-letter words mean small?  "Is It In?"

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are men and parking spaces alike?

Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.

How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick."

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why is being in the Military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?  Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?  Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts don't have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?  A Pimp.

Why do Drivers Education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,

along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?  Row-row-row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time," and, A Southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.”

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends – they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

People send you this list.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Holy Crap ! I could be in trouble here!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride and slinks away into the trees with a feeling of terror coming over him.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes.

The dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen

to that smart ass dog."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey ? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are

famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,

discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.

When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.

Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you

down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a

room, people say, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first

three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies,

"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied, well-hung,

male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,

"My God......"

THE MISTRESS

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

 

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"  "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

 

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

 

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."

 

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?

"she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

... "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

THE JOCK VERSUS THE NERD -- Investigate The Jock First... 

Now that Michael Jordan has retired... his income has "dipped" to only $40 million based on endorsements. 

Per day... $178,000. 

Eight hours of sleep... $59,500 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. 

When he sees a movie it costs around $7.00... and he'll earn $18550 during the show. 

When he cooks a 5-minute egg... he earns $618.

He earns a little more than minimum wage... $7,415 an hour more than minimum wage. 

Watch Friends... and he earns $3710. 

Let's see, that makes the purchase price of a new $90,000 Acura NSX... around 12-hours of work or play. 

He pays $200 for a round of golf... but is reimbursed $33,900. 

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. 

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made... you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. 

He earns about $19.60 watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. 

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. 

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However... 

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. 

Game over.  Nerd wins.

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be.... The CODE (rules for men to live by)

1.  Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat

2.  Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3.  Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow

partygoers.

4.  When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or

dogwalker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his

whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5.  Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hrs.

6.  You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that,

anyone within earshot is allowed to call Bull____! (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the

allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7.  If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8.  The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. for a

girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9.  Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the

temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's

birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly female friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your

legal duty. Should you get carried away (drunk) with your good deed and end up having sex with the

beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex you’re required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate

knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean while consuming a SuperMug of

draft beer.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies is beer.  This usually applies to moving and pick-ups at the

airport.

16. A single man must never own a poodle or a cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are

not required to make nice with her gal pals significant others;   low-level sports bonding is all the law

requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in

progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give

her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about

joining the priesthood.

20. Men hug with one arm.  No exceptions.

21. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's

delivered by a topless supermodel..........and it's free.

22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

24. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception:

If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good butt-

whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

25. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever!  Issue closed.

26. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers."

"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

27. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

28. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

29. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your

response.

30. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both

waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

31. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

32. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to

get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F___ OFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

33. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex,

the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about

what a big mistake it was.

34. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.

James Barham

TWO YEAR DEGREE

A new two-year degree program is being offered at a University many of you should be interested in:

                   Becoming A Real Man

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too can be a real man – as well as earn a MA (Male Arts) Degree.  Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Fall schedule:

MEN 101        Combating Stupidity

MEN 102        You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103        PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104        We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110        Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111        Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am

MEN 112        Parenting:  It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100        Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101        Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A      What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120        How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong

MEN 121        Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122        YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123        Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C      What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Fall Schedule:

SEX 101        You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102        Morning Dilemma:  If It's Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103        How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201       How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)

(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210        The Remote Control:  Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211        How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212        You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213        Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A      Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220        Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221        Fluffing the Blanket After Breaking Wind Is Not Necessary

MEN 222        Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223        Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B       Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101        Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102        Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103        Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231        Mothers-in-Law

MEN 232        Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233        Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C      Cheaper to Keep Her

A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people  have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of  payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have  film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

1. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

2.  Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,

whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's

workshop,"  the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

3.  Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all

that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can

afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!

4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.  Laugh

so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive

laughter.

5. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who

is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive,

don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death and just wait in

residence for  your mail.

6. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets,

keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

7.  Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign

country, but not to guilt country.

8. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

9. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER Life is not measured by the number of

breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Enjoy Life and Be Happy - Stand Tall and Look Forward

Dumb Newspaper Headlines:

 1.     Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

 2.     Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

 3.     Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 4.     Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

 5.     Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 6.     Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 7.     Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 8.     Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 9.     British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

 10.    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 11.    Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

 12.    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 13.    Miners Refuse to Work After Death

 14.    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 15.    Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 16.    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

 17.    War Dims Hope for Peace

 18.    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 19.    Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 20.    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 21.    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 22.    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

 23.    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 24.    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 25.    Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Subject: America

Let's see if I understand how America works lately.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If a deranged madman shoots your friend, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Isn't it amazing that the George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's could write something so very eloquent... and so very appropriate post 9/11. He

is a genius at writing about the ironies and contradictions in our society.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have

less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom!

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer,

to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember; say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes

from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Food.

$10 dollar jar:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind

the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills.  The man

guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to

ask, "What's up with the jar?"

The bartender answers, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" "Pay first; those are the rules."

The guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar and says, "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila; the WHOLE thing at once, AND you can't make a face while doing it.  Second, there's a

pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth; you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.  Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life; you gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it.

You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

"Your call; but, your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"  He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.  Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on.  They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth???

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A new element has been discovered:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium ." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by

forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of

moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

Subject: Re: In Court...

Hooray for Dennis Miller!!  He said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of  Allegiance unconstitutional: "So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'.  Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean shit."

| |

| |

|TRY SAYING: |

|I don't think you understand. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|Shove it up your ass. |

|TRY SAYING: |

|I love a challenge. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|This job sucks. |

|  |

|TRY SAYING: |

|You want me to take care of that? |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|Who the hell died and made you boss? |

|  |

|TRY SAYING: |

|I see. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|Blow me. |

|  |

|TRY SAYING: |

|He's somewhat insensitive. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|He's a prick. |

|  |

|TRY SAYING: |

|She's an aggressive go-getter. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|She's a ball-busting bitch. |

|  |

|TRY SAYING: |

|I think you could use more training. |

|INSTEAD OF: |

|You don't know what the hell you're doing. |

|  |

| |

| |

|Thank you for your assistance in this |

|matter, with a little work we can all communicate with |

|each other more effectively. |

|Thanks again. |

|Human Resources Dept |

| |

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the hell do you expect me to do this?

 

TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No fucking way.

 

TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be shitting me!

 

TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a shit.

 

TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my damn problem.

 

TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the fuck?

 

TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

 

TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his ass.

 

TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat shit and die.

 

TRY SAYING:

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my ass.

 

TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

Fuck it, I'm on salary.

 

For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass.

Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's drink and gulped it down.

The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the truckie said.

"I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one."

"No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting fired. When I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk

ten kilometers home. Then I walked in and found my wife with another man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my fu**ing Poison."

SUBJECT: WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

10. I'm out of estrogen -- and I have a gun.

11. Guys have feelings too ... but, like, who cares?

12. Well-behaved women rarely make history.

13. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

14. And your point is?

15. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

16. Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

17. Do not start with me. You will not win.

18. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

19. All stressed out and no one to choke.

20. I'm one of those bad things that happens to good people.

21. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

22. Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.

23. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Subject: Speed...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never

catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

New Product:

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of  ...

" Mount And Do"

The Lost Chapter of Genesis

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....

Subject:  moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." 

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" 

"Very good," said the teacher. 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,  but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this  story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." 

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a  flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't  break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She  killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your  daddy tell you from that horrible story?" 

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.  I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant.  Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes.  And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

11. I'm not 40-something.  I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating.  You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

17. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.  Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Cowboy Logic:

There is no arguing with this cowboy logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club  and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming  ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of  the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping  the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they  proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and  let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY  proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower "s Association by the Sierra  Club and the USFS . All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for  a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em"

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk

beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to

do it.

 

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,

you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink

beer all day.

 

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

 

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Here are some from Steven Wright:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.  As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room....Just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it ... "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.

"I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life.

"Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

  Remember five simple rules to be happy:

  1. Free your heart from hatred.

  2. Free your mind from worries.

  3. Live simply.

  4. Give more.

  5. Expect less.

No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

More from George Carlin... (He's still the best!!)

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing " Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work if so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is so weird. When else do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a  rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change  feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the  better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the  other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't  coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking  for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a  week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to

the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off

his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and

a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big

patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to

discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the  employer who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.

After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of  the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! 

And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get

off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, chicken shit, and horse shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come

out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along if you give a shit...

The Plan:

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we

need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a

plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their

   affairs, past &present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with

   Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there.

  We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through

  holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and

   leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days

  the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately,

  regardless of who, or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90

   day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist

  nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it

  yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to

anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.

5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they

  don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy

   wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy

  but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan

  wilderness.

  The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel

  for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we

   will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,

  rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give

them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it

most get very little, anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need

   the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a

  good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

9a) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no

     one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

     Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.

    "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor,

   your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's

   yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams

From Chris Rock to you,

"You know the world is going crazy when...the best rapper is a white guy,

the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance,

Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America

are named,

Bush, Dick and Colon."

Subject: Positive Sides of Life

      Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. 

      How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 

      Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. 

      Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 

      Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? 

      Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 

      If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? 

      You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 

      Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 

      Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. 

      We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, 

      and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. 

      A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 

A lady walks into a Jaguar dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said,

"Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish

genie. So...what'll it be?"  The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I

want peace in the Middle East. See this Map? I want these countries

to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love

Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace

and harmony."  The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be

reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years.

I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm

good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another

wish and please be reasonable."  The woman thought for a minute and

said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know,

one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the

house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family,

doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I

wish for .. a good man."  The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his

head and said, "Let me see that freakin' map again."

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

(George Carlin)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever

Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.

If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.

Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take ,but by the moments that take our breath away.

Subject: Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, have set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn's in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb ass, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator (2003)

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment       Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking

down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they

tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or

any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their

interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that

invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a

European American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!

*Top 15 Country Songs of 2003*

15. If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll know it's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, but My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her to A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll marry You Tomorrow but Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2003 Is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed with Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke up with A Few.

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day,

he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it.

The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years

old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it,

and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside

and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before

we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says

anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of

dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over

and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws

her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified

when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom and thinks "She's got a great body." So he grabs mom, bends

her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on

the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his

motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs

away from the table and shouts:

"Alright, enough already, I'll do the F **king dishes!"

How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and southerners?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!  Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?  Could we run away?  What does my wife think?

What about the kids?   Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?  What does the law say about this situation?   Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?  Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?   If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?  We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer :

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click....(sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whaddayall kids think?"

Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy!  Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

CARS VS. COMPUTERS 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".  

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):  

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.  

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.  

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.  

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.  

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.  

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.  

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.  

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.  

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.  

10. You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.  

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer

Subject: Best (alleged) newspaper headlines of 2003:

 1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 11. War Dims Hope for Peace

 12. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 13. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 14. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 15. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 16. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 17. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 18. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 19. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 20. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 21. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it?  Monica turned 28 this week.

It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?  Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark

their territory.  We can take off the ring.  But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's

because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6.Andy Rooney on cripes

My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.'  Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making fun of

it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your

grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine?  "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is: "Share the love."  BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."

Motto of the modern woman:

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. 

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

"Last night here on NBC, six Miss USA contestants competed on "Fear Factor." Is that a big deal? To see them on Jeopardy, that would be a worth watching." - Jay Leno

Psych Advice

A man was having trouble sleeping because of a weird dream he kept having. Finally he followed his wife's advice and went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I just have to get some sleep," he said, "but I can't because I keep waking up from this bizarre dream I keep having. Can you please help me?"

"Ok, let's start by having you describe the dream," replies the shrink.

"Well, first I dream that I am a teepee, then I dream I am a wigwam," the man says. "Can you help me figure out my problem?"

The doctor smiles reassuringly and responds, "I know what your problem is. You're two tents."

Diagnosis

While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Phil Parker, what would you do in a case like this?" He pondered for a second and answered,

"I guess I'd limp, too."

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her Radio show.

On her radio show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. 

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's  Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination - end of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness -Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is - my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2.clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse

and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

ed

VIRUSES:

Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on it's stored memory.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows.

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) 

 

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

Mensa’s 2005 vocabulary word winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright

ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little

sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

getting laid.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person

who doesn't get it.

7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

they come at you rapidly.

11. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've

accidentally walked through a spider web.

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an

entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now

that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy.

That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. 

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind...but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure", Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song." Are you ready?

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN".

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?  (My sentiments exactly)

3.  OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5.  There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6.   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7.   Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with?

10.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it  follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys  deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

16.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then I realized.....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons

and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23.  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

  Getting Old

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling  slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an  upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).   The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip,

turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.   He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:  "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"  The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman –

already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet – who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." 

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Sad day to be a lions fan.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?

A: To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't Grand Rapids have a professional football team?

A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?

A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of the National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine  Corps General Reinwald who was sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop he brought to his military base.

FEMALE REPORTER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys while they're visiting your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and shooting.

FEMALE REPORTER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Not at all, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE REPORTER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching them  proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE REPORTER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.  She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

SOCIAL SECURITY

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home... "I will have to go home and come back later."

Upon that the woman says, "No you don't sir, just unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt there in revealing my curly silver hair.

Seeing that, she said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she proceeded to process my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

To which she said, "You should have dropped your pants. You would have gotten disability, too."

Makes you wonder

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra

penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on

luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink

whatever comes out!"

Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by

the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask

where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your

butt?

Regrets

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs.  He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear?

Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

WORD/LETTER SHUFFLE

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Top Thoughts for 2005

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005 -

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may

not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary

Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in

the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest.  "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still ! no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

" Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And they loved it.

The 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

#1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.  Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had  the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to   encourage one another.

REMEMBER:  EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR  LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

5 L’s

Live each day as if you may die tomorrow

Learn each day as if you will live forever.

Listen to people as if they matter.

Love people as they are or leave them alone.

Laugh so the world won't get you.

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