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2.12.20 RUSH Large Group Tara Felix -TestimonyI am so grateful to be here with you and to share some of my story. This part of my story you’ll hear tonight isn’t a pretty story, and that’s ok. What I know is God doesn’t waste a single tear of our pain. He uses our mess to meet others where they are at. I hope mine is a story that God uses to help you no matter what your experience is with the topic of self-harm. My prayer is that you walk away with a better picture of the why behind the self-harm. I have great hope that you will feel find a better way to cope with your emotions if you are struggling with self-harm or learn how to support others you will meet who are struggling. Now just in case you’re sitting here thinking this doesn’t apply to you, I can assure you it does. The chances that you already know or will know someone who struggles with self-harm are high. Very high. In fact, studies show that each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self-injury. And 90 percent of people who engage in self-harm begin during their teen or pre-teen years, right where you are at.So let’s think about that for a moment. Here at RUSH on any given Wednesday when you walk through those doors, there are approximately 250 students here. Look with me at those numbers for a second. That means if those statistics prove true we can conservatively say there are 35 plus students here at RUSH dealing with self- harm. These are your friends, people in your small group, a family member here or maybe it’s you.That is a big deal and that’s not even including the numbers for those struggling with suicidal thoughts, anxiety or depression. Come with me for a moment. How many of you have been on a rollercoaster? What is the most common reaction of someone riding on a rollercoaster? They scream right? Well if they are like my oldest daughter, her reaction to the rollercoaster looks a little like this….. An open mouth, but NO sound coming out - nothing! She actually can not scream while she’s riding a rollercoaster. Or let’s think about that dream that most of us have had, the one that is so terrible that all we want to do is run from something and SCREAM… but we can’t. We can’t scream. We try, but nothing actually comes out. Well, that feeling of not being able to scream, of having all of these emotions and feelings pent up inside and trying to and WANTING it to come out, but being left with nothing.. No noise… No words… only pain. That is how I felt when I was your age. And for me that pain continued on and on until I got to a point where I was completely numb. I was floating through each day.. almost like watching myself and those around me...but not feeling anything, no joy, no pain, no sadness, no happiness. Only Numbness.That was until I inflicted physical pain on myself. When I cut, I could “feel” again. Little by little, bit by bit it would bring me out of the numbness. It didn’t matter if it was pain that I was feeling or how I was actually inflicting the pain, I FELT SOMETHING for the first time in what felt like ages. And as a bonus, I felt for just a blink, that I finally had something I could control. Controlling anything during this period of my life, was huge in itself. Friends, that overwhelm is the closest way that I can explain what I felt like and WHY I choose to self-harm. But we will get to more on that later...What are some things that actually bring someone to that point? What can bring them to that depth of pain and numbness and for me, all by the age of 12? As I’ve spent years unpacking the wreckage of my past, I’ve realized my journey actually began when I was 7 years old.Now, here’s the thing. If you ask my children about my memory, they will tell you “Mom can’t remember anything!” Which in most circumstances is completely true. But my very first clear memories as a child actually begin at age 7, the day I found out my parents were getting divorced. And I remember everything. Walking out the door to go to school crying. What the sky looked like. The smells, the houses on the route to school, the view of the playground, my teachers name, what she was wearing….. and finally being sent to the counselors office because I just could not stop crying. That was the first, but also nearly the last time I remember crying about the divorce again. That day something switched inside of me and all of that pain, confusion and the emotions I felt found a place to retreat. A place deep inside where I stuffed them away “quietly” not to be felt again… or so I thought.Self Harm Statistic #1: Risk factors include experiencing stressful life situations like traumatic events and family instability.As my parent’s divorce was finalized, custody was actually granted to my Dad. My dad held a more stable (prestigious) position in the community and my mom was just a stay at home mom with no means to support us. My dad had plans to marry my now step-mom and they thought and made it seem as though they were going to give me and my two younger siblings a very stable life - we would have “all the things” including the white picket fence. And really they tried in their own way. To both my mom and dad’s credit they really did parent the only way they knew how. My mom was an emotional soft-hearted woman who was always more of a friend than an authoritative person in my life. She was broken-hearted, lost and really struggled with the divorce and fending for herself as a single mom. Because of these things I quickly took on this burden that I was supposed to take care of her and my siblings, it was a feeling that never really left until she died unexpectedly in a car accident in my 20’s. I never wanted to burden her with my problems or worries or with the pain that was piling up inside of me. I could have shared with her, but I didn’t want to add to her pain.My dad, on the other hand, was a great provider, he was present as much as he could be and he loved us. But he was also a Marine and the son of his Mom AND Dad who were BOTH Marines. Being raised in the environment of a “military mindset” was hard. You don’t talk about things, you deal with it and do what you are supposed to end of the story. You make it appear to everyone that everything is “fine” no matter what is happening behind closed doors. It is not an open environment we’ll say. Building a relationship and caring for my heart instead of focusing only on my behavior was not on his radar. He didn’t know any better. He was strict and raised rule-followers.. at least as far as he knew. By the time I was 8 turning 9, all of this turmoil chipped away inside of me caused the anger and bitterness to grow and grow. I wanted to be with my mom full time but everyone else was in control of my life. I felt like no one listened to me anyways, so why bother speaking up? Self Harm Statistic #2: Self-harm involves unwanted feelings like depression, anxiety or angerI was already depressed and in counseling where I most often just sat silent. I pretty much said nothing if a parent was with me. Which they always were. We spent our appointed time with dad during the week and mom on most weekends where I tried to continue on with a normal childhood as best I could. I had friends both next store and across the street. Each friend had one much older teenage sister. Being a single mom, my mom would sometimes need a babysitter for us. Hiring the older teenage girl from across the street as our babysitter seemed like a logical choice. They were “religious people” and she seemed responsible. Also her younger sister could come and hang out with us too since we were already friends.My mom never knew that turned into nearly 2 years of on and off sexual abuse for me… by the older teenage girl to make things even more confusing. So this new pain, confusion, lack of trust in another human being and the questions I had were all stuffed away with the others. Was she supposed to do that to me? She’s a girl so does that count as abuse? What do I do with that? Can’t I trust anyone? What did I do to deserve this?Be quiet I told myself. Deal with it. Don’t be a burden. Stuff the pain. Continue on.Self Harm Statistic #3: Nearly 50 percent of those who engage in self-injury activities have been sexually abused.And then came the downward spiral. And it was quick. By 11 I smoked for the first time, followed by my first drink. That quickly became as many drinks as I could get away with, whenever I could. I remember the numbness taking over. I thought drinking was a great way to numb any pain left, but then it was back again so quickly. By my 12th birthday heavy drinking, drugs and my boy craziness all peaked. Everything was absolutely out of control inside of me. Any “value” I felt was only found in my friendships and activities, my appearance and my relationship with my boyfriend who, not surprisingly I see looking back, physically abused me on and off over the next couple of years.Self Harm Statistic #4: Up to 79% of individuals who self injure report physical abuse during his or her childhoodI felt nothing anymore unless I was engaging in reckless behavior. But that was on the inside - stuffed away. On the outside, I was a “good girl”. I was attending Catholic school. In 3 types of dance. Going to modeling school and playing volleyball. I knew how to follow the rules with only a slip up here and there of being caught. I was good at the double life I was leading. And that other life is exactly where the self-harm began.Looking back, I acknowledge it would have been hard for someone to see the self-harm that I hid. But also, there was also a key piece that I was missing. It was harder to see the self harm in me, because there was no entry point into my world. No, I had zero knowledge of a personal relationship with Jesus. But I also had no other adult or older person that I knew who cared. None who would invest in me or show me that I mattered at all. No one to talk with me about what I was dealing with even if they didn’t have any answers. No one to listen and give me a hug. And I even had parents who loved me. But the lack of relationship, communication, trust and support caused me to never even consider talking to them about it. But you do. Just being here tonight means you do have someone - you have leaders who genuinely want to have those conversations with you, or they wouldn't be here.Self Harm Statistic #5: About 50 percent of those who engage in self-mutilation begin around age 13My actual steps into self-injury began with other maybe less known types of self-harm that are actually fairly common. I used chemical inhalants and liquids and ingested enough low doses of meds to “mess me up” enough to feel something, but not kill me. I would burn my cigarettes into my legs, punch myself in the legs and then soon after began to cut myself. All for feeling something and for “control”. Going back to what I shared in the beginning. That scream that wouldn’t come out. The pain that was buried, the lack of control and the numbness from my experiences from 7-12 years old. It was all released a little when I cut. Just a little bit of feeling amidst all of the numb. It is so hard to fully comprehend unless you have been there. Even now, being so removed from my own self-harm, it’s heartbreaking to process when I talk with others who are there. This statement by Axis Ministries sums it up well:Self-harming is not an illness in itself but rather points to a desperate situation and a dangerously severe inability to cope—which can be caused by one or any number of physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual issues. The urge to self-harm, like suicidal ideation, most often begins with overwhelming negative emotions and problems that seem unsolvable. Sometimes a person who continues to struggle with acute depression, emotional pain, or trauma will eventually “go numb”: the brain can shut down emotions to protect itself from toxic levels of stress. This automatic neurological response can hold a person hostage inside themselves, preventing them from crying, getting angry, solving problems well, focusing, or even fully understanding what they feel and why. I say yes to that. That is my story. And that is a picture of some of you, both male and female. Although my story certainly doesn’t cover all aspects of self-harm as you will soon see, I do hope it’s beginning to paint the picture.Self Harm Statistic #6: Additional research shows that about 55% of people who self-harm have eating disorders.My 13th birthday came and I was living a life filled with binge drinking, smoking, drugs, destructive relationships, self-harm, physical abuse, depression, and bulimia. My addictions and destructive behaviors would take on different levels of highs and lows over the next couple of years- but they didn’t go away. You see, some people can stop self-injury by themselves, but for many others, it is an addiction. Endorphins are released that heighten the feelings you feel when inflicting self-harm, which increases the possibility of it becoming an addiction. They may start off thinking that cutting isn’t a “big deal”. They’re not suicidal after all. It’s just cutting to “feel a little”. But what they may not realize is that the more often you cut, the less sensitive you become to it. Soon, it takes more cuts and deeper cuts to actually feel that same thing as in the beginning. That is so so dangerous and could lead to unintentional suicide.For me, there was a solid time of being addicted to it, for sure. And people don’t usually just “outgrow” addiction. We also know that overcoming an addiction is difficult (if not impossible) to do on our own. I still can’t tell you why (except God’s grace), but at some point, the desire to numb my pain with alcohol and the other vices I chose overtook my urge to self-harm. There was no counseling help or amazing delivery from it. It kind of just faded away as other self-destructive and damaging ways to cope took the forefront. To me though, it was God’s amazing rescue. Looking back I see I could have continued on a much longer, even darker path with it.I wish I could tell you my story of dealing with self-harm ends there. After my childhood and years of healing, by God’s grace, I no longer struggle with it. But my oldest daughter does. My 14-year-old Kay Lee is one of you, a Rush student. She’s a brilliant beautiful girl who is gifted in many ways. She loves Jesus, feels deeply and gives her whole heart to all that she does. She’s being raised in a Christian home, was homeschooled until 7th grade and now attends a Christian School. She is living a life much different than I did at her age and I am so very thankful for that. But none of that makes her exempt. Her Christian life does not remove her from the grip of self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Her struggle is real and deep. She has been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and a chronic illness called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome POTS for short. There are things in her life that have deeply affected her emotionally, but she also has the connection of mental illness. God has and is continuing to work in and through her in amazing ways, but it’s such a hard battle. As a mom, this is devastating to see. I want nothing more than to take her pain away or make it better for her somehow. I know that pain. But I can’t. But from her experience and an incredible gift of empathy, she has grown a passion for mental health awareness and for helping others who are struggling. She wanted to share with you today, a little bit of what has helped her in dealing with this.From Kay Lee:It’s ok to talk to God about it - it’s ok to be open and honest about what you are feeling. Pray for His help dealing with those feelings and in fighting urges, even if it doesn’t seem like it’s going to “help”. He is there in it with you.Find someone to talk to about it - for me talking to my mom often about how I am feeling and also talking to a counselor helps. I know for many kids talking to their Mom (or Dad) isn’t an option. It’s important to find a trusted adult, a counselor, your Rush leader or someone in your church that will be willing to support you and help you.Learn safer alternatives to self-harm - A few things help me. There are lots of ideas, but it’s important to find what works for you. Listening to music, talking to my mom, journaling and drawing help me a lot. But also, things like drawing/writing what you are feeling on your arms, holding ice cubes in your hands to feel the shock of the cold but not hurt you, letting Elmer’s glue dry on your arm and slowly peeling it off, high-intensity exercise and more. It’s good to have a list ahead of time and try different things at the moment to see what helps the most. Often one small step in the right direction is all we can do at the time, but that one small step can turn into another and another in the path to healing.Where is God in all of this?Over the years, I have found myself asking possibly some of the same questions you are asking tonight. God where were you...when? Where are you...now? I don’t feel you. I don’t see you. It’s just so dark and I’m hurting so bad. Why are you so distant? How can I believe that you even care about me? I understand. And please know I am so sorry. You are hurting deeply. Some of you have been through trauma and hardship that I can’t imagine. And many of you just don’t know if you can believe that God even sees you, let alone that He is fighting for you. But can I offer you a different perspective? Not only does He see you, He knows you - better than you do, even to the number of hairs you have on your head. He loves you and He is fighting FOR YOU.Just look at this illustration for a moment. How many of us have felt like the boy in this picture? This was me for so many years. What we feel and what is truth often don’t match up. The reality is you are NOT alone. God is there and fighting FOR you! Oh, how many times He saved my life during those years and He continues to fight for me now. He was fighting for me and leading me - even up to this very moment where I get to be here with you tonight.So let me just encourage you that asking God those questions and telling Him how you actually feel is a good thing. Your feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment and confusion - those are not surprising to Him. Yes, He knows, but He wants you to open up and share it with Him. He isn’t distant. He is right here. And He wants nothing more than for you to reach out. His word tells us in James 4:8 Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. And Psalm 34:18 tells us that The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. He wants you to talk to Him. He feels your pain.God wants you to be able to share what you're feeling with Him. Not the pretend “I’m fine” version. The real you. Scars and all.As one of my old Pastors said often, “God doesn’t wait for you to clean your life up to come to Him, come to Him and He cleans your life up. Come just as you are”.How do we talk to God about our pain?Come with me for just a minute as we wrap this up. In John 11 we see two women, Mary and Martha in a lot of pain. Their brother Lazarus died and Mary and Martha were hurting. They were questioning Jesus and saying if He hadn’t delayed then Lazarus would still be alive.Verse 32 says, When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”As I read that it hit me – haven't I often said the same? My version goes something like… God if you had …. then that wouldn’t have happened. And at that moment, I could take the anger, hurt and pain that comes with that and stuff it away instead of asking Him for help. All under the excuse that He doesn’t understand anyways and He doesn’t care.But look at the next verse –33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.Stick with me here for just a minute because this is important.The word troubled – The Latin and Greek words for troubled here both mean MORE than ordinary inward trouble. It angered Jesus that because sin entered the world there is death and it raised in him these feelings of compassion for them and sadness and loss. This reminds us that it is ok to grieve any kind of loss in life or even to be angry, hurting or sad. And it is definitely OK (and good) to talk to God about it and ask for His help and grace to handle it.Then comes the last verse – the shortest in the Bible. (anyone know>) It packs so much into this little verse … 35 Jesus wept.Jesus, our Lord, here on earth as a man DID feel deeply and experience pain and sadness - and it brought Him to tears. He DOES know pain and He CAN comfort us in our pain if we let Him help us.With that thought, I have to ask you tonight. Will you let Him help you? Whatever area you are struggling with in your life right now, will you open your hands to Him? Will you hand Him the pain? Will you come as you are and ask Him for help? Jesus will meet you where you are tonight, but He loves you too much to leave you there.The process may not be easy… it might feel like God is taking you apart, piece by piece - but only to put you back together again. Talk to God. Talk to someone you trust. And don’t give up hope. ................
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