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David Bolster‘My faith & my doubts’An explanation of why I have tried to live a life of faithIntroductionWhy I have written this?This has been one of my projects during ‘lockdown’ in 2020; along with painting the fence. I have not written this for general publication, for sure! I have written for family and friends, people who know me and who might be interested to know why I have tried to live a life of faith. I have approached this as if you do not share my faith, are agnostic or have doubts. Therefore I have been open about my doubts and have avoided an over use of religious language and biblical quotes. I was brought up as a ‘Christian’. I enjoyed singing in the church choir twice on a Sunday. Although that would have made me predisposed towards Christianity, it is not the reason I continued as a Christian. These reflections will show why I am still a believer today.My parents were very private about their faith (as were many in their generation), and similarly I have been reticent to speak about my faith outside of the ‘pulpit’. If people ask me, I am happy to speak; but if they haven’t asked, I haven’t spoken. Once I die, there will be no further opportunity; hence this little book. This is what I might have said, if you had asked me.It all began at the age of 14 when I had a ‘spiritual experience’. I had been searching for God, at first not believing that he existed, then finding that he had a purpose for my life, and eventually beginning a life of faith. To that very strange unexpected and unwanted start I have added many things over the years. Doctrine, yes. I became a ‘believer’, and wanted to know what I ought to believe if I was owning the label ‘Christian’. Was I indoctrinated, - persuaded what to believe? – I have written about that later. Church, and encouragement from other ‘believers’, yes. But I never became infatuated with Church. From the begining part of me disliked Church, and that is still true today. Again, I have written a chapter about Church. Gradually I became more like a ‘free thinker’. I was not afraid to question my own faith, what and why I believed. I looked at the arguments of atheists and doubters and came to my own conclusions. So in this little book I will share with you my doubts and how I am overcoming them.Chapter 1Why do I believe in God?So, why do I believe in God? I can give two answers to this question. Firstly, I have seen God at work in my life and in the lives of others; - people who have prayed, and found answers to their prayers. In the early days of this observation I did have many doubts. It could surely have just been co-incidences rather than answers to my prayers? In later days I began to see answers to my own prayers on a regular basis. Sometimes daily. Once or twice it could be a co-incidence, but regular experience is a work of God. I have no doubts on that score; God not only exists, but is active among those who ask him to be involved in their lives. I guess I should give you an example. That’s difficult, because most of this experience is fairly trivial or insignificant. To give you a clear example is misleading because God does not usually act in that way. My general experience is that God just gets involved in the ordinary stuff of life. However, I will give you just one example, so that you know what I mean. When Mary & I were exploring my call to go and live in Myanmar, we needed a lot of guidance from God. And help. In January 2010 we were in Yangon on a sabbatical to see if and how we could actually go to Myanmar, since it was a ‘closed country’. We entered on a 4 week tourist visa, and had no idea how to renew the visa. We must fly back to Bangkok and apply at the Myanmar Embassy for another visa so that we could return to Yangon and find out how we could get visas that would enable us to live there for 5 years. We had a letter from the Archbishop of Myanmar inviting us to attend a celebration at the seminary. We had received a lot of advice in Myanmar, but as it turned out most of the advice was wrong. When we got to the Embassy, we were initially turned down. At that moment a Burmese refugee pastor whom we knew from the Border camps walked in and saw us. I wondered what on earth he was doing there. The last time we had met (maybe 10 years previously?); he was on the ‘wanted list’of the Burmese military. Timothy was a Baptist pastor, but also a Major in the KNU, a rebel group who had been fighting the Burmese government forces for over 50 years. It transpired that he was now part of a small group working with the Myanmar military to negotiate peace. When we told him why we were there, he said that we should not worry. He knew the officials, he would speak to them, and we would get that visa. What were the chances of meeting up with him after so many years, and in that place, at that time? What were the chances that he would have influence in the visa section of the Myanmar embassy? A million to 1? It is ridiculous to put a figure to it, and it misses the point. That visa was absolutely critical to us. We needed to get back into the country and find another route to get a visa. We also needed to have some idea how we could live in Yangon (foreigners could only stay in hotels), and where, and how much money we would need. So far, we had drawn a blank on those questions. If we had not got back into the country, it is highly likely that we would have stayed put in London, at least for the time being. We needed most of that extra month in Yangon to figure out those important questions. That amazing answer to our prayer in Bangkok showed us clearly that Myanmar was where God wanted us to live and work. We need not doubt even though so many questioned our decision to go.This could lead you to the wrong impressions. Prayer to God is not like putting money into a slot machine, and getting a pay back. Faith is not that crude, nor that simple. Neither do I believe that God has a plan, like a blueprint, for everyone’s life. But what I have discovered is that God has a purpose for my life and each day. When I offer each day and the whole of my life to him as ‘my Lord’, things begin to fit together. I meet the people I need to work with, I say the right things, and I know that God is with me. When I ask for guidance I know that the Lord will be with me in the decision making. There is a delicate balance between my own free will and a better plan from God.I believe that God wants us to exercise the free will that clearly he has given us. I picture him like a parent enjoying his children as they discover life and have adventures, but ready to steer them away from danger if they will listen. There is a balance between independance and dependance. That is what my life of faith seeks to achieve. I make lots of decisions without guidance from God, I have lots of dreams and work to make some of them come true. I also want to live my life with the purpose and potential that I can’t see in me, but God can see. I have made many bad decisions in my life and I have said the wrong thing many times. As I look back on my life I have many regrets, and wish I could go back and do those things differently. Yet I have found that God has lifted me up when I have fallen, and has helped me face the right direction again. God is like a parent who patiently and lovingly picks up a toddler who has strayed in the wrong direction and then stumbled. God is not like the parent who likes to control every move. Nor is he like the parent who leaves his child to their own devices. God gets involved in our lives if and when we ask him to, nudging us in the directions that will give us the greatest fulfillment. To everyone who seeks him, he will give them a purposeful life.Although I have many regrets in my life, I have no regrets about living a life of faith. God has always been there for me. As I look back on my life, it looks like a plan that unfolded only as a step by step. It was never a blueprint. It was never a plan from God which I had no part in making. Sometimes it was more of God’s plan, sometimes more of my plan which God went along with. It was a joint effort. From school I went to Exeter for 3 years, then to London to train to be a teacher, then I taught in a comprehensive school for 4 years, did full time youth work with Scripture Union for 5 years, trained to be a priest for 2 years, and then some 30 odd years as a church minister in Luton, Edmonton and Myanmar. I believe that God guided those steps and enabled me to achieve far more than I would have thought I was capable. I have no regrets about any of those steps. If I had designed a life for myself without his parental help, I am sure that I would have achieved far less. Throughout my school career I was towards the bottom of my class, and such was my feeling of inferiority and lack of self confidence, I am sure that whatever life I could have designed for myself would have fallen far short of that which God enabled me to live. That is what I mean when I talk of God’s purpose for my life.And that is my first answer to the question ‘How do I know that God exists?’ Every day I am assured of God’s purpose and care for me, often in small insignificant things that fall into place. Even in my darkest moments and times of depression, I not only know he exists, but know that he holds my life with interest and care. The second answer to that question is my enjoyment of the ‘natural world’ around me. People who know me well know that I can’t identify or name plants or birds or birdsong or many things in the nature around me. Yet, I am just as appreciative of these things, I love to marvel at them, I can see beauty in everything, and I can see God. That is why I call these things his ‘creation’. They speak to me about God, and I often speak to him as I appreciate this world he has created. So, I will use the words creator/ created/ creation etc., in what I continue to say. Also, I listen to him as I think about what he has created, and why. Most of what I need to understand about life I can understand just by contemplating creation. I don’t need the Bible as my primary source. I just know he exists.Sometimes I debate these questions with people who have a knowlege of science yet reckon that everything can be explained through ‘natural selection’ and ‘evolution’. Peronally, I don’t hold any strong opinions about these two theories. Those theories are probably right. But they are almost irrelevant to me. If they are right, they are about the ‘how’, the process in which everything is created. I find the process of evolution interesting, often mind boggling, and they lead me all the more to appreciate the Creator. But ‘natural selection’ and ‘evolution’ are not about the purpose and meaning of life. If I look at those theories as if God does not exist, I am blind. It’s quite ironic really. Atheists sometimes say that we believers in God are the ones who are blind. Whereas, I believe that to try and see this world’s nature as if God does not exist is an act of self deception. They are the ones who are blind. I love the ‘David Attenborough’ nature programmes. I know he does not believe in a creator, but I just can’t understand why he doesn’t believe. Every part of every episode I watch leads me to see God and praise him.Let me try and give some examples. Ants fascinate me. Many species live in colonies of 10s of 1000s. Each ant has a purpose, all work together, communicating through chemical signals in the air when they have found a good source of food, and yet there are no ‘captains’ among them, no ant managers to organise, give orders or directions. They work together as one. There is no evidence within the colony of competition, selfishness, greed. An ant can carry weights far in excess of its own body weight. Many years ago I was resting one afternoon in a bamboo house in a refugee camp on the Thai/ Burmese border. When I opened my eyes, I saw 1000s of ants going up and down a wooden post which was only a foot away from where I was resting. For an instant, I was scared stiff! Was I covered in ants?! And then I realised that they were disintested in me. I followed the line and saw a dead bird in the roof. I watched them for several minutes, trying to calculate the number of ants involved. I estimated it could be 10s of 1000s at least. I got up, but when I returned a couple of hours later there was not one ant to be found. And I realised also that the carcass of the dead bird could no longer be a place where disease could grow. They helped to keep me healthy. But I have found many lessons from ants. For example, this is how humans should live. If ants can live in harmony, so can we. Why don’t we?I love watching birds fly. I can sit for hours, just watching them. I observe their freedom, their abilities in flight, their instincts to find food and places to build a nest for breading. Their foliage and song helps them to find a mate. We are not the only ones to find them attractive to look at and listen to! Birds of prey have amazing eyesight indeed, sometimes to see a small mammal from 100s of feet high up in the sky. I grew up knowing and using the word ‘birdbrain’. The brain of a bird is indeed very small compared to size of a human brain. And yet they can remember the arrangement of the stars so that they can navigate at night when they are on migration. What an amazing ability? And strength too. The Arctic Tern and Sandpiper are among the smallest of birds in size, and yet migrate between 10 and 20 thousand miles each year, always returning to the same place they had been the previous year. How do they have such strength? How do they know the way? Storks return to the exact nest site, despite a migration of several 1000 miles. Some birds can anticipate a storm (some other animals sense it too), and make preparations. God can use birds to teach us if we are willing to listen. Bugs and insects are another example. Increasingly scientists understand the usefulness of bugs, how insects have their place in the created order. They not only provide food for other creatures, but can help in combatting disease in plants. Some have amazing abilities. The common flea has an amazing ability to jump, up to 100 times its body length. The Froghopper can jump vertically at a speed and velocity far greater than a space rocket. It jumps by a chemical reaction and explosion in its body, and yet does not rip apart. I could give many examples of creatures that I find amazing in their abilities. There is the monarch butterfly which migrates every spring from Central America to a place in Canada where its ancestors 5 generations and one year previously had breeded. There is the Salmon which returns to the same pool high up the river some 4 years after its birth. How does it know the way? There is the Wooly Mammoth Arctic Moth which dies 13 times, and comes back to life 14 times before it can spin a cocoon, transform from caterpillar to moth, mate, lay eggs and die. Even if scientists could explain how all of these creatures have these amazing abilities, I still see God. I do not think of God as a ‘God of the gaps’. I do not think of him filling in where natural selection and evolution fall short. I just see God everywhere and in everything. I see him in the order and the interconnectedness of nature. Especially I see him in the beauty of his creation from the varied designs of snowflakes and dandelions, to the varied looks of human beings. There are now billions of us, each of us different and unique in personalities and looks. Even when we are imperfect, we are beautiful. I also love astronomy, and this also leaves me in awe and fearful humility. The Hubble telescope has increased our knowlege of the universe and heightened our sense of its power, beauty and how miniscule is our planet even within our own galaxy which is only one of billions of galaxies. That raises questions about meaning of life to which the easiest and most satifying answer is ‘God’. The universe is infintely old, huge and violent, and yet our own solar system is very finely balanced. Our own blue planet is the perfect distance from the sun for human life. If it were not for the other planets, especially Jupiter, our planet would have regular knocks from meteors, which would wipe out human life with each hit. If it were not for our moon, we would have no weather, no tides, stagnant water and deserts only. There would be no human life. The moon is at the perfect distance from the earth. The rotations of the moon, the tilt and spin of the earth, are all finely balanced to give us seasons. If they were a little different, there could be life, but not human life. In the life history of our solar system, the earth is a miracle in the sense that it is so finely tuned and balanced for human life to exist. The eco system is also finely balanced. In recent generations we have come to understand how human activity is destroying and upsetting this fine balance of nature. God had set this balance. We ignore him and this balance to our peril.So, that is why I believe that God exists. Yet I would not be able to prove him to you. No one can prove God. Many philosophers have tried and failed. From my own standpoint, as I look back, I have no doubts. On the contrary the evidence is all around me and in me. I could never not believe. I do have doubts, but they are not doubts about his existence. I have doubts surrounding the evil and suffering I see in the world today. I have doubts about the Church which so often feeds the arguments of those who would want to disprove or discredit God. I have doubts about the best way to live, and how we should vote in elections. I have doubts about the Bible. I will explain how I live with those doubts in the next chapters. They are not necessarily written in chronological order, so it is up to you how you read on.Chapter 2Suffering and evilEvery believer in God has questions about suffering and evil. How can you believe in God when we are surrounded with so much that is wrong? Our world is characterised by injustices, immense cruelty especially in wars and armed conflicts, mental torture from pain and loss and fear in those conflicts. There is cruelty to animals and destruction of the environment. There is sickness. I am writing this during the pandemic of 2020, so we are all face to face with this evil virus. I call it evil, not just because of the havoc it is wreaking in people’s lives, but because the virus disguises its lethal intentions when it enters our lungs. Did God create the virus? There is greed, selfishness, abuse, and so many destructive consequences of those things in our personal relationships. Where is God? If he does exist, why does he not put an end to this? Even if God does exist, surely he cannot be a good God?Of course, I think about these questions on a daily basis. And I have to say that I don’t have an answer to these questions. And I don’t know anyone who does have an answer. These questions question my own faith. Often I am gripped by doubts when the suffering is my own or someone close to me, or someone whom I am pastoring. I don’t deny it, and I don’t want to deny it. So, what can I say?Actually I can say a lot. I don’t have the answers, but I can live without those answers. God doesn’t give all of the answer, but he sheds enough light on suffering that I am challenged to put my doubts to one side, and believe that he is a God of love.First, I see God suffering alongside those who are suffering, not apart from suffering. I have had the privelege of praying with many people suffering in pain and dying. Always, God comes alongside them. He gives peace, he enters into their suffering. This makes sense to me because the story of Jesus’ death on the cross is a story about his willingness to suffer unjustly. He showed us that he knows first hand physical mental and spiritual pain. E.g., in the New Testament letter to the Hebrews it says “Because he himself suffered ... he is able to help ...”Second, I see a lot of good in the world. There is kindness, sharing, helping others, love for those who are difficult to love, compassion, joy, simple pleasures, contentment and much more. The New Testament clearly says that these things come from God, they are gifts and character that God inspires in many people, whether or not they are believers. When he creates a human being, this is the kind of life he hopes they will live. This is our purpose in life. When we do these things we derive the greatest pleasures in life. Everyone I speak to agrees that this is the way that they want everyone to live. I believe that it is God who has put this desire into our hearts, irrespective of whether they worship him or not. In most people most of the time, this desire to be good wins over the desire to act selfishly. The problem is that this desire is inconsistent. – Which leads to the next point.Third, most of the suffering and evil in the world are a consequence man’s selfishness and evil. Just look at what I wrote in the first paragraph. All of those things are man-made. There seem to me to be two major exceptions to this. One is natural disasters and the other is disease. And yet the majority of natural disasters affect the poor. The poor are the ones who have to live by the river or the sea where they are the most vulnerable. They are the ones whose houses are not built strongly enough to withstand these earthquakes or storms. So, even with natural disasters, man is often to blame.There are even some diseases that are the consequence of man’s greed or misuse of the environment. In the current coronovirus pandemic of 2020, air travel helped to spread the virus quickly. Some are suggesting that the selling of wild animals has enabled the virus to ‘jump’ from one animal to another. Disease is the other exception to what I have just said, but even here, there is much to say.Fourth, our bodies are designed to fight off disease, and do so on a daily basis, most of the time without us even knowing about it. In recent generations scientists have been able to show us the remarkable ways our bodies keep us healthy and deal with disease. So, most of the time disease is fought off and our bodies are being healed. New cells are being created as old cells are discarded. By the millions! And each day! This shows me that creator God has designed and equipped our bodies to fight disease and to heal themselves. In the rare cases that disease overpowers our bodies, there are medicines and surgery that can help us. It is even rarer that we will die. However, those people that live unhealthy lives from bad diet and lack of exercise, and those people who are poor and have poor nutrition will succumb to disease more easily. Fifth, our disconnectedness with God seems to me to be at the centre of everything that is wrong with the world. As I understand it, God purposed that human beings should live together in harmony with each other and the world. It goes wrong everytime we seek to live independently from God. The Bible calls this rebellion, and it makes a lot of sense to me. If I am a created being, then I should look to my creator. He will know how best I should live with other people and in the environment. Every time I try to live my life contrary to how he has purposed, that is an act of rebellion against him. It is pictured in the well known story of ‘Adam & Eve’. This story is often not understood and trivialised in such a way that its deep truth about humanity is lost. I am not concerned about whether or not there was an historical Adam and eve, apple etc. Such questions are totally irrelevant, a convenient ‘red herring’ to avoid the truth that this story is a simple picture about my own relationship with God. I know the story is true, because it is true about me. It is a picture of my own rebellious and broken relationship with God. Even now there are times that I want to eat a ‘forbidden fruit’, - to do something that will bring harm to another person or the environment. In most of the circumstances of my day, I know God’s purpose about how to live. When I choose to live out of my own selfishness, I am in rebellion to him. The Bible uses the word ‘Sin’ to summarize this act of rebellion. In the ‘Adam & Eve’ story, one of the consequences of this rebellion is that suffering enters the world. God lets us live that way. His intention is that we will see the error, and turn towards him. To underscore the seriousness of our rebellion, and the inability to solve these ourselves, Jesus entered our world, and died. His death achieved many things, one of which was to reconcile us with creator God. Through him we can begin to see how we should live, and when we seek him, his Spirit works in us to help us to do the good which so often we fail to do.That’s a summary of how I begin to understand how suffering entered into human experience. I can see some of this also in the created world outside human activity. Most creatures live in harmony with each other. There is far less suffering among creatures than among humans except where humans interfere with the environment or treat animals without love and respect. I wrote in the last chapter about how a colony of ants will live together in complete harmony, working for one another’s good. Colonies of ‘emperor’ penguins huddle together in antarctic storms, taking it in turns to take the brunt of the icy winds on their backs. Migratory birds often fly in flocks and formation so that they can help each other fly using the minimum of effort. Bees work selflessly in colonies. And often different species live and work in harmony with each other so as to help each other. It is well known how there is a special relationship between flowers, trees, shrubs and the insects and birds who polinate them. All of these things point to the truth that creator God purposes for all life to live in harmony. Sixth, there is the question of evil. Of course, people have been debating this for centuries, and some deny the existence of evil. Logically, if you don’t believe in a creator God, you won’t believe in evil. I guess it is difficult to believe in natural selection and evolution and also to believe in the existence of evil. From my point of view the present coronovirus is an example of evil. I cannot see how any virus is ‘natural’. Viruses seem to have a design and intention to destroy cells and thereby to cause unnatural death. That seems very clear to most people. The coronovirus of 2020 also disguises itself so that our immune system does not easily detect it. Some scientists even talk about the virus as if it has a global mind and strategy. It is also clear that our bodies’ immune system is set up to detect and defeat these viruses.I don’t want to blame all our evils on the existence of ‘evil’. As I have already argued, most of the suffering in the world is a consequence of man’s own selfishness. We must take full responsibility for our actions and intentions and not blame others or ‘evil’. However, I think there may be an evil mind which inspires people to act in an evil way. My life of faith is devoted to asking God’s spirit to inspire me to think and act only out of goodness. So it is logical to think that others are inspired by evil, even if they do this unwittingly. The Bible asserts the existence of evil, and personifies it by talking of ‘the devil’. Just as Jesus came to earth to show us the way back to relationship with God, he also came to confront ‘evil’. He did this by healing and expelling demons. He also did this by defeating ‘death’, which he understood as the consequence of rejecting God. The Bible also says that there is no excuse for man. We don’t have to listen to and act on these evil thoughts. I think that the existence of evil is as clear as the existence of God. Yet I do have doubts. I don’t understand why God has allowed evil to exist. Philosophers have debated that question for centuries, and got nowhere! But my doubts on that question must be held alongside what is also clear to see as I open my eyes and look at all of nature and especially human beings. This is what I see: not all evil is man-made and all man-made evil is inspired by evil. Those are 6 answers that go a long way to addressing my doubts. The Bible has given me huge insights into these questions. What I have just written is only a summary and hint of how the Bible understands suffering. E.g., the book of Job is amazingly inspired. Scholars believe that it may be one of the first books of the Bible to have been written. The author seems to have had first hand experience of suffering, understanding it better than most people do even today. His key anguish is the question: where is God in all of this? Four different ‘comforters’ speak to Job presenting various answers, defending God’s action or inaction. All the arguments fall short, and some are wrong. Eventually God himself speaks, but he refuses to defend himself. Job is neither rejected by God when Job rages against him nor are his doubts dismissed out of hand. And all along, Job stubbornly refuses to lose faith in God. His faith is summed up in the well known phrase “I know that my redeemer lives”. It is a very deep and complex book, amazing because its thinking is way ahead of its time, as if it was inspired by God himself. This is underlined for me in that the prose, poetry and structure of the book would rank itself among the best today, and yet it is one of the oldest books in the world to have been written down. It leaves the question of suffering unanswered, encouraging the reader to trust God on this the most difficult of all questions. Like Job, I have looked at the questions around suffering, I have taken my doubts in prayer to God, and in return he has given me many insights. In the end, I have chosen to hold the doubts in one hand while I trust God with my other hand.Chapter 3 Who am I?I’m not sure whether or how much people think about their lives. I often reflect on the meaning of life, and have taken a little interest in philosophy although I find philosophers very difficult to read. Let me begin with the word ‘significance’. I think that most people want to have some sort of significance, whether it is to be a mother, a good husband, a good friend or whatever shows that we are significant to someone else. Often people doubt their significance, and this in turn leads to relationship problems or the need to gain more significance through being successful at work. For that reason our culture regards ‘personal achievement’ very highly. I think they are wrong. ‘Personal achievement’ should come after significance, not in order to gain significance.I think that the only right and satisfying significance comes from knowing that God knows us. Psalm 139 talks about believing that God knew us even back in the days when we were in our mother’s womb. On the one hand, I find that difficult to believe: - how can he know everyone? On the other hand, I find that very believable. – I only have to think about how my body was formed, from the day of conception right to the present day. Scientists now know how infintely complex is our body. Every single aspect is like a world of its own, factories building new cells, millions of them each day, and new parts of the body, puting them together, repairing them, and connecting with the other ‘worlds’ of our body. I have been fascinated to learn about that brain, which on the one hand is just a jelly, and on the other hand has billions of nerves, each with a factory-like receptor at each end. I think about our blood vessels. If they were to be laid out end to end, they would be so long that they would encircle the earth 4 times. I think about the way our eyes were formed in the womb. There are millions of nerves growing from the eye to the brain connecting with millions of nerves growing from the brain towards the eye. Scientists now know that the day these nerves connect and fuse is crucial to the question of whether we will be born blind or can see. Those nerve connections have to be precisely correct. I could cite every part of our body to show how amazing is the creation of our bodies. Our skin has billions of cells, which are being renewed daily by the millions. Our lungs, heart, liver, ears, tongue, etc. The more scientists understand about the human body, the more assurance I have that my creator regards me with significance. If we were to try to build a machine as complex as our bodies, it would be the most precious and costly machine in the whole world. I think we often take our bodies for granted. Whereas, if we but realised how amazing is the body we have, we would know that we must be significant in the mind of our creator. A mother has an intense love for the child that has born to her, even though she has gone through hard and painful labour. She feels that she would give her life in substitution for her new-born if she had to. That baby can do nothing for themselves, they are totally dependant. Yet, they have immense significance. That fact helps me to see that the same must be true of our creator. It is logical. If there is a creator, and he created such immense love in a mother, then the same must be true about the personality of the creator. No matter how insignificant a person is in the eyes of some (in wars, poverty etc), that person has significance in the eyes of the creator. Of course, that picture is skewared when we consider the inequalities which leads to oppression, suffering and premature death. Why does the creator allow that to happen? In the last chapter I shared how I understand those questions. Also, I want add how I see that our creator has given us a freedom and allowed us to exercise that freedom to do wrong. Sometimes I wonder why God does not intervene. I will address that question when I write about prayer. I have to hold those questions in one hand while in the other I am overwhelmed with evidence that the key to understanding my life and the life of others’ is in the significance that God gives us.That leads me to the second truth which I believe in; that my true status lies with God. The Bible says that I am a “child of God”. God’s purpose is that I should have a spiritual relationship with him. And I do. That relationship opens up many possibilities for my life. My life takes on meaning as well as purpose. Just as no one can prove the existence of God, no one can prove that we have a personality or soul or spirit. I am reluctant to use these words because there is no common agreement as to what they actually mean, let alone if they actually exist. However, I have no doubts on this score. There are so many pointers.Beauty is one. All human beings are capable of seeing beauty in the world around them. Some will see more than others. One person will find another beautiful where others can see only ugliness. Some have their eyes open to see beauty in parts of nature that others are blind to. Appreciating beauty gives pleasure. Finding someone else who shares that same insight of beauty increases that pleasure. Parents increase their love for one another as they see the same beauty and the same love for their child. I go out walking in the hills and countryside. I love what I see and hear, smell and experience. It gives me pleasure, which is increased when others that I walk with see what I see. When I commune with God about that same beauty, my pleasure is increased still more. I can see why he created me. As his child, he wants me to share in the pleasures of his creation.Music is another pointer. All human beings enjoy music of one kind or another. Music expresses so much about what we feel and experience in life. Music increases our sympathy for others in their struggles just as it suggests a life with the possibilities of joy. Music takes on even more meaning when we listen together, or perform to others. Music is a means of giving and receiving pleasure. When I worship God through music, that takes my pleasure into yet more areas, encouraging and deepening my own faith, making me more open to hearing God, and opening my life to healing.Love is another. All human beings have the capacity to love and want to receive love. Love must be the most written about thing in the world, so I don’t have any need to say a lot about it here. What is ‘love’ then? It is something that is expressed in feelings, emotions, commitment and compassion. It is more than a mental attitude and can hardly be a product of natural selection. In some ways it works contrary to natural selection, when it reaches out to people it does not know and has little in common with. It makes every sense to me (like a common sense) to say that love comes from God (1 John chapter 3). I believe that God also wants me to enjoy his love for me, and to express my love for him. That is the beginning of worship.Our mind is another. I am not thinking of the brain with its capacity to calculate and memorize and make our body function. I am thinking of the intangible desires and ambitions that drive and shape our personalities. We are entirely responsible for our own choices. Our minds have led us to explore the world, to explore our solar system and the universe. Our minds have led us to explore history as well as our evolution.In these ways, I know that there is more to life than the physical and mental. There is also a spiritual dimension which everyone experiences in beauty, music, love and more. Of course, I could still experience those spiritual things without being a Christian. The difference is this: the spiritual comes alive for me in relationship with my creator. It is natural and logical to do so. It gives meaning and purpose to my life. This side of our humanness is what marks us as different from all other creatures. There are hints of these things in other creatures. E.g., birds that sing to each other, creatures that attract mates with colours in their foliage, dogs who have love for their masters/ mistresses. Indeed many species work in deliberate harmony with other creatures and vegetation. But although humans share the physical nature of other species and we are also mortal, there is a difference. For me, it is best summed up in a phrase that belongs to the first page of the Bible: we are ‘made in the image of God’. In the Bible it is abundantly clear that image has nothing to do with physical features. What we have in common with our creator is the desire and capacity to have a spiritual relationship with our creator and through him with other people and the environment. Again, that appears to me to be quite logical and makes sense. The fact that I share this side of my being with my creator means that I am content to be a ‘child of God’. That is my place. It is a place of honour and the object of his love. It is a status that is far above any status that could ever be given to me in this life by people. There is nothing wrong with ambition and doing worthwhile things in our lives. But we don’t need to seek status. Too often that status will lead to misuse of power and authority over others. Too often it will lead us away from God. Whereas, being a child of God means that I can more easily accept that I am also a creature. Ironically, being a ‘child of God’ entails humilty and dependency. The status that the world gives leads to pride, arrogance and mistakes, many of which will hurt or oppress others. The biggest argument against what I believe about my significance and status is death. Surely, if I am that precious and important to my creator, he would have created me to have immortality?! Actually the idea of immortality is not as preposterous as it first seems. There is a jellyfish that has that capability (aptly called the ‘immortal jellyfish’), moving in an endless cycle from birth to adulthood to rebirth. The Bible gives a distinctive interpretation to our mortality. It is part of God’s judgement on our rebellion, our insistence to live our lives in disregard to his purposes. We don’t like the thought that God could be such a judge. That seems to contradict our hope that he is a God of love. But since our arrogant desire to behave like ‘gods’ is at the centre of everything that is wrong in our lives, death seems a fitting conclusion and punishment. Its strongest message is one of humiliation. Even the people who receive the greatest accolades and worship from their followers will be brought down by death to the same level as the lowest person. The Bible gives us the story that death is not God’s last word. He has sent a redeemer and a way of life that will transform death from defeat. It is difficult to summarize this story and message in just a few sentences. I am still learning more about it some 50 years after first beginning to understand it. Jesus Christ is that redeemer. He took the punishment that was the first meaning of death, and then defeated death when his Father raised him from the dead. His desire is that we should identify with everything he did in his life and death, and trust him that our own experience of death will become a door into a life of spiritual fellowship with him. In other words, we shall continue that spiritual relationship which we have begun this side of death. We will be given a new body which will not have physical properties like our present one. I have summarized what is quite a deep subject, and makes sense of everything. It changes the fear of death to one of welcome. There is a danger that in summarizing this in a few sentences that I am trivialising it. Death does not undo all that I believe about who I am, my significance and status as a child of God.Chapter 4‘The Church is full of hypocites’That has been said to me several times in the past. It has been said in the context of why that person does not come to Church. The history of the Church from centuries ago right up to the present day is a shameful history, whether it was the crusades, burning at the stake, persecution of the Jews or sexual abuse by clergy. If I were not a Christian I would not want to join a Church. I have several answers to that criticism. E.g., I see that individuals have often been more inspired by an evil mind than they have been inspired by God. But here I shall give you just one. The criticism is true, because it’s true about me. I don’t live up to expectations. A Christian is someone who seeks to be like Jesus Christ in character. That is why I address Jesus as my ‘Lord’. I want him to so direct my life that Christ will shine through, and others will be attracted to Christ by what they see in me. This is what I set out to do every day of my life. But I fall short, and often I fail. As I look back on my life, I am deeply ashamed. I am ashamed of what I have said, and done, and not done. There were a few times when I thought I must be a good example of a Christian and have prayed that others would become like me. But it hasn’t taken long before I saw that that is not true. God revealed my shortcomings. Those people who have known me have maybe thought I am a hypocrite. I preach Christ but fail to live him. It’s true. That is one of the reasons (there are several) why I don’t wear a dog collar or call myself ‘Reverend’ even though I am an ordained priest. I just feel that I fall below the standards that a priest should set. I am a poor example. So, why do I not just give up?There is a deep truth here. I could never give up, because it’s what I want most in my life. The most important aim in my life is to become ‘Christlike’ in my character. He was a human being like me, but showed that it is possible to live a life that God would be pleased with. I don’t want to give up, because there is no other life which I want to live. The Christian life for me is not a duty. It is a desire.As I look back on my life I see many faults, and I have many regrets. I am ashamed of many things. But also I see that Christ’s spirit has come to live in me and change my character. There are some faults that have been largely overcome. Some of my attitudes have been changed. There is love where previously I felt hatred. Christ washes the slate clean; he picks me up and makes me a better person. I don’t deserve that he should do that. But that is what he wants to do. He does not remind me of my past (I do that, without his prodding!). Instead, he looks with love and hope that I am indeed growing to become more like him. Here is a paradox. The deeper I grow in Christlike character, the more I understand him, the more I commune with him in prayer, the more my life is changed by his Holy Spirit, then the more I see what falls short in my life. I see far more of my own faults and shortcomings now than I did 20 years ago, or 40 years ago or 55 years ago when I first set out to live the Christian life. That is one of the reasons why I still go to Church. Lots of people there are people on the same journey. They are aware of at least some of the things that are wrong in their lives. And they want the Holy Spirit to change them to become like Christ in character. Does that make us hypocrites? But I don’t consider or claim that my life is better than yours’. And if there is anything in my life that is ‘good’, it is to the credit of the Holy Spirit’s work in my life. ... which leads me on to ‘prayer’.Chapter 5 PrayerTo be honest, when I started out on my life of faith some 55 years ago, I did not like to pray. The idea of praying to God about anything and everything was not high on my ‘to do list’. Basically, I did not understand what prayer is and I could not see how or why God should want to give people what they wanted. After all, the things I would want to ask for might not be good for me. I wanted to be rich, intelligent, popular, successful, and so on. I saw prayer as a disguise for selfishness. The journey to understand what prayer actually is has been a very long one, and God has been most patient with me. When I look back at my life when I was a vicar near Luton, and then a vicar in North London I am ashamed about how poor was my ‘prayer life’. I was better at encouraging others to develop their prayer life than I was at practising what I preached.God has been patient with me, very patient! Here some paradoxes about prayer ... The more time I spend in prayer, the easier I find it to pray. The deeper I get into prayer, the more I find that prayer is actually very simple indeed, not so difficult after all. The more time I spend ‘listening’ in prayer, the less I want to make requests. The more time I spend in God’s presence in prayer, the more I enjoy prayer. I am discovering that prayer is really about spending time in God’s presence. It is a ‘Father / child’ relationship. The Father takes most pleasure when he sees me wanting to spend time in his presence; even when I am playing and enjoying myself! I can do that anywhere and at any time. And I don’t need to stop what I am doing, and frame a prayer using words. I can just know he is with me. Prayer is most useful when I ‘listen’: what is God’s heart? What things does he want to change? What are his prayers? What does he want to do in my life? What does he want to do through me? There is a mystery about praying for situations or people. Is prayer like trying to twist God’s arm to do something he is reluctant to do? Surely not! So why do we need to pray? Simple answer is that I don’t know. One day I will. What I do know, is that God requires us to pray. St. Paul likens it to warfare. We join with others praying for the same thing or the same person. When we do that, there appears to be a power in prayer. Now I often ask the Lord who or what he wants me to pray for. And although I begin the prayer not knowing what to pray for, the Spirit shows me what to pray for. Sometimes it feels like a battle has been lost, but most of the time that I pray for people who are ill I see people getting better. Now, healing is a very big subject – and I teach it often in the Myanmar Anglican Church, so I don’t want to trivialize it by summing it up in just a few sentences. There is a lot of poor modelling and teaching of healing among the churches. Yet, I see God as a healer. He has created our bodies to heal naturally. Only occasionally do we need medicines or surgery, which I see as further gifts from God. And sometimes God the healer will get to work either through our own prayers, or others’ prayers when medicines and surgery fail or are not sufficient. Prayer works, I don’t know why. It is not like magic. I don’t see it as a supernatural miracle. I do see it as a powerful and graceful work of God. I am certainly not a healer, even though I have prayed for many who have been healed. I am pleased to say that the most dramatic healings I have witnessed when I have prayed with someone, have been when I have been at my weakest, when I have been too tired to be interested and when I have had no faith for a good result! So, I can truly say that it was God’s work, not mine, and not even my prayers.There is a lot more to prayer than being in the presence of God and praying for people. People write whole books about prayer. Here is a summary of my own experience. I begin to see the world differently. I can see many injustices and I become concerned about culture, politics and the environment. It goes far beyond criticism. I pray for change, I pray for leaders and above all I pray for the day when the whole world will submit to God’s rule (“Thy kingdom come” from the ‘Lord’s Prayer’). It is impossible to know when and if my prayers do anything. When we pray for situations on the world stage, it may take a generation before we see the desired change. Sometimes we are called to take action (but not violent action) alongside our praying. When I pray I feel that I am adding my desires to God’s own desires. It is as if I am adding my prayers to his own prayers. I don’t understand why he needs me to pray if he is omnipotent. But I have no doubts that it is the right thing to do. And I do feel that it is a better response to the evils around me that just bemoaning and complaining.Chapter 6The BibleI have been studying to Bible for over 50 years, and I love it! My greatest passion (even greater than sailing!) is to help other people to read and understand the Bible. That is why I have put some of my understanding on a website. In this chapter, I will only outline my doubts and how I overcome them.I first tried to read the Bible when I was 14. I tried hard, and failed miserably. Nothing made sense to me, and I found it had no relevance to my desire to grow in faith. When I arrived in Exeter to study Theology for 3 years I had to turn that around quickly. With the help of fellow students I gradually began to understand, and better still, I began to feed off the Bible in order to grow in faith. You might think that this was a form of indoctrination, but in fact the opposite was the case. My lecturers were academics only. They did not encourage their students to have faith. Indeed, faith as I experienced it was deemed naive and childish. They saw the Bible as an ancient book which raised far more questions than it answered. The stated theme of my studies was ‘biblical criticism’. The word ‘criticism’ sums up what the approach and substance was all about. They criticised the historicity and accuracy of the books, their reliability as sources for Christianity and Judaism, and saw them as forms of propaganda. This approach was the consequence of a form of biblical studies of the 19th century which thrived on scepticism. I could never understand why they studied the Bible when they did not ‘believe’ in it. So my 3 years were filled with the questions and doubts which my lecturers posed accompanied by my struggles not to lose my faith. Needless to say, my faith survived these tests. Actually I am very thankful for those 3 years because I had to question the biblical foundations of my faith and overcome a flood of academic doubts. So, I can reassure you that I know all about the doubts that academics have thrown on the reliability of the books of the Bible.How did I overcome those doubts, you might wonder? Well, first I had to learn how to think for myself, which is what university was supposed to be about anyway. I soon began to see that all biblical scholars disagreed among themselves. If they had been united in their criticisms, I might have been persuaded to go with my doubts. But they all said that each other was wrong, - that they had a better criticism to make than the other academic. I looked in detail at a few of those criticisms as they came up in essays, and saw that there were often other explanations or answers which would support a less sceptical approach. I learned that some biblical scholars were people who had a traditional faith with a respect for the Bible as a book that God actually intended to use for communicating with us. Gradually, I became more confident that I could trust the Bible as literature which God had not only inspired, but intended to speak through.Today, I understand the Bible as literature which was written by men, bearing typical human characteristics, and yet also intended to be used by God to speak to us, and inspired by him in different ways. There are still many things I do not understand – ‘why did God allow that to be written’? But I know on the other hand, that there is a huge amount of knowlege to be gained by reading it. So, now I would like to jump forward to the present day, and outline what the Bible means to me after some 50 years of studying it.First, it gives me an understanding about my creator. From the very first verse of Genesis to the last verse of Revelation these books are primarily about God, and sometimes God’s words as spoken by through the author (E.g., “This is what the Lord says”). I know his character is holiness and goodness. I know that on the one hand he is tempted to abandon humans and start again (the theme of ‘judgement’), and on the other hand he has a love for all of his creation that he wants to find another way (the theme of ‘grace’). He has a plan.Second, it gives me an understanding of the human predicament. So many of us want to live a good and peaceful life, and yet the news is full of violence, oppression, and hatred. The Bible understands this to be a consequence of our repeated rebellion and rejection of our creator. The more people have lived their lives independantly of him, the worse has become their predicament. I have not used the word ‘sin’, because we often misunderstand what the word really means, and miss the point. The Bible gives us a lot to think about our humanness. The more I study it, the greater the insight I gain. It gives me far more insight then any secular article or book which I read. To me, it makes sense. We read about humans with common flaws and selfish violent natures. There is plenty of violence in the Bible. As I read the bible in my ‘devotions’ I see that the human race of bible times is mirrored in the world today. I see that politics without God is vulnerable to the worst side of our human nature. I begin to see the world from God’s point of view, and that leads me to pray for the world.Thirdly, the Bible is about a rescue plan from God. I see a grand plan behind all biblical history. Man needs to see for himself that we cannot live without God, that when we insist on doing so, that our lives on a national scale will be at the mercy of rulers inspired to do evil. Man needs also to see that our creator God is tempted to wipe out the human race and start again. That is one of his options. The option he chooses is a different one. He decides to change the hearts and minds of individuals who will turn to him. He decides to show us that it is possible to be human and also to live our lives as our creator intended. He proves it in the life of Jesus. Through Jesus he deals with our evil human nature by dying in our place. On the surface, this seems a ridiculous plan. But my short lifetime of bible reading has enabled me to dig deep into understanding the plan and the mind behind that plan. It now makes sense to me. Ironically, it only begins to make sense if you are willing to dig, and willing to apply it.Fourthly, the Bible is inspiring. When I study a Bible book I often to see that the human author was inspired by God in his writing. Sometimes I see this through the poetry or prose or structure (e.g., book of Job). Often I see this in the themes within the book. Occasionally, I see this when I dig deeper into the book, seeing themes connecting with each other in clever ways (e.g., John’ gospel and Revelation). Always I see this when I first consider what God’s original message was to those people so long ago. In the context of their times (2000 – 3500 years ago), the message is clearly quite different from other ancient texts of that time. The message rings true for those times. It is still ancient literature and often flawed in typically human fashion. And yet, God decided to use those books to call out a people to worship him and live differently. This ancient literature connects us with those people who lived so long ago. Having begun with the inspiration that made this God’s word for a people at that time in history, I find that it has inspired Christians down the centuries. This leads me to my other major doubt about the Bible. It is all too easy to pluck some sentences out of their original context and misuse them to support your own misguided point of view. You can make the Bible say anything you want. The history of the Church is riddled with people doing just that. They burned people alive for disagreeing with them. Sometimes I despair! Even today it can be a minefield. Christian teachers sometimes get into fights with other Christians, fomenting division and disunity. I am not surprised that so many do not want to read the bible. If God really intended us to see the Bible as his message, then why do people fight over it?There is nothing new here. Jesus himself warned that in the future there would be false preachers. The Old Testament had experienced the same. Jeremiah was thought to be a false preacher especially when he said that God would use the Babylonians to punish them. In the end he was proved right, and the others were proved to be false. In a similar way, there are many false preachers out there today, just as Jesus forewarned. It seems that this is also part of God’s plan even though it seems like ‘scoring own goals’. God is dealing with humans who will want to give their version of his message, to tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth which God wants them to follow. God allows that to happen even though I often wish that he did’nt! I understand it as part of the spiritual battle that has been going on from the earliest bible times between God who has a plan and message that he wants to get out, and human beings who want to change and distort that message when they find the plan unpalatable. When a Christian preacher speaks with pride rather than humility, when he manipulates his congregation, when ‘money’ is important, when an affluent lifestyle is embraced, I begin to question whether the message is true or false. Jesus taught that we should be able to discern false teaching by its “fruit”, - meaning what is achieved in the life of the teacher. Despite these doubts I don’t give up, because God has not given up wanting to inspire people today. I have always been worried lest I become like one of those false preachers of bible times. This has led to me have clear principles about how I read the Bible. First, I insist on finding out what that Bible verse meant in its original context. That context will include their culture, the message of the whole of that book, and its place in relation to all other books in the Bible. I won’t take a verse out of context. I won’t use the Bible like a dictionary, or a compilation of ‘proof texts’. I dig deep. Such study rewards me with a confidence about all of the major aspects of my faith. I don’t expect the bible to speak to me about every subject that concerns us today. So again, I am careful not to lift a verse from one context and apply it to another. That discipline has dealt with possibly 95% of those doubts. As I look back through the years I see that most of the time I have been in agreement with other Christian teachers. It is certainly not a question of which ‘church denomination’ they come from. I have preached at least once in all of the major church denominations that I have known. In most things we shall have agreed. In the few things where we might disagree, we have been more than happy not to let these disagreements come between us. Often I have found myself thinking ‘Maybe they are right and I am wrong!?’ I never think that my own denomination (Church of England) is right, and the others are wrong. I am more likely to see it the other way round! Jesus said that he wanted unity among his future believers. That is what I have tried to practise, and most of the time it works.That way, I work through those doubts. Those doubts make me handle the Bible carefully. When I also handle it prayerfully I can apply what I read to my own life, attitudes and actions. Sometimes I have not made time in the day to read and meditate. That omission sometimes becomes my undoing. That is another reason why daily bible reading is such an important feature of my life. When I come to the Bible humbly and prayerfully, God inspires me too. I begin to see the world as he does. I find the Bible an amazing book (or collection of 66 books), deeply inspired and extraordinarily inspiring. It confirms my daily experience of spiritual connection with God.This last thing I say is going to sound like a plug, but it isn’t. I have put some of my bible studies on a website, so that friends and others can use them (free). I did this because my passion is to help others to read the Bible for themselves. My experience is that when you discover things yourself, not because you have read someone’s commentary, it is immensely satisfying. Chapter 7DoubtPerhaps the biggest doubt of all is the existence of doubt! I can think back to the beginning of my spiritual life wondering why God didn’t just reveal himself and prove his existence. Surely, the existence of doubt among his supporters is damning evidence that I am deluded in my life of faith? And Christians seem to be ‘scoring an own goal’ every time they disagree with each other. This throws doubt on whether there is such a thing as an ‘absolute truth’. These days we like to be open minded, tolerant of those who are different from us, wary of those who are dogmatic or confident that they are right while others are wrong. Why does God not speak clearly and unequivocally on life and religion when we ask him to? These and many similar questions have taxed me since I began my life of faith.There are lots of things of which I have no doubts. I have outlined these in the previous chapters. I do not doubt the existence of God, his purpose for my life, that I am his child, that he wants me to read the Bible and that he wants me to pray. Those are huge areas of my life, probably well over 90% of my life. So I set my doubts into that context. I have mentioned already the main areas where I have doubts. They fall into two main areas. First, I have my doubts about why God acts in certain ways or doesn’t act when we wish he would (e.g., to stop wars). These are important questions and I have faith that one day he will reveal to me why he did or didn’t act as we wished. The Bible is full of hope for a day when all will be made right. We are encouraged to trust God on this, but also to pray for that day to come and importantly to both pray and work towards establishing his kingdom rule on earth. This has nothing to do with a‘caliphate’ type of thinking. I don’t mean that we should try and put confessing Christians in positions of great power. In most cases of history that has been disasterous. No, this has to do with working for greater justice, love and welfare for every individual. When the Church has turned its attention away from internal squabbling and doing evil in the name of Christ, it has actually been very good at these things. In the UK Christians pioneered hospitals, education, just laws, charities and just reward for labour. It even founded some of the earliest football clubs. Much of the basis for our laws stems from the ‘ten commandments’. In the 21st century we need to give every support for those wishing to protect the environment, those who are peacemakers and those trying to defend the poorest, orphans, refugees and so on. There is plenty of action and prayer that we can do while also praying for that day when evil will be driven out of the world. I believe that the biblical mandate on these things is clear. That is how I live with those areas of doubt. It is summed up in the phrase of the ‘Lords Prayer’: “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”.The second area of doubts is about people. Why does God still work in and through people who are so clearly wrong? It is so confusing that we have so many religions, and so many Christian sects and denominations. Why has God allowed this to happen? I have not only found this confusing, but most frustrating. I wish sometimes that I could do God’s work for him, and shut them up! So many people are being led astray. This is probably the biggest area of doubt for me.However, I realise that doubt is the better way. Doubt keeps me humble. The other person could be right, and I could be wrong. Doubt forces me to work hard on my faith; to think hard, research, listen to others, dig deep into the Bible, and above all to pray. Doubt makes me search to know God’s thinking (or to quote St. Paul: to have “the mind of Christ”). I have respect for those who differ from me especially when they have a listening attitude, a godly character or are doing good things in their community or in their world. In contrast, I am not afraid to question or criticize those whose lives fall far short of what God expects, who are over confident about the truth which they teach or who support those with political power who will keep them affluent. The absence of doubt in their spirituality and teaching, their claim that they are right and others are wrong, does not impress me. On the contrary, I see them as tinged with pride and arrogance. The New Testament makes clear that there will always be people who will lead others astray. We are warned that there are plenty of “sheep in wolves’ clothing”, that there will be false ‘shepherds’ (teachers and leaders).I am not afraid to point the finger. Yet I am always aware that when you point a finger, your hand points three fingers backwards to yourself, and a thumb upwards! I know that my own life also falls short of what God expects of me. I know that I am probably also mistaken in some of the things I say or do or teach. One day I will face my creator and will have to give an account for these things, especially for any people whom I have failed or led in the wrong direction. Those of us who want to ‘teach’ others are warned. We need to take extra care that we teach only what is right and from God. That was the first bible verse I ever read when I began my life of faith (Matthew 7 v 22). It has never left me. So, I need to doubt. Doubt leads me to look to God and not to rely on my thinking or others’ thinking. Doubt defends me from pride and arrogance when I speak. Doubt makes me exercise my faith in God, that he will lead me. I welcome doubt.So I have come to an end of my writing. It is very short. Writing is not my gift! It has been a personal reflection only. There are plenty of helpful books available that deal with all of those doubts in detail. I have deliberately avoided them as they write about these things far better than I can. I hope that in some small way this will have helped you, maybe even to begin your own journey to deal with your own doubts. Thanks for reading this, and I wish you well. ................
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