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Contains EggIssue 1 - March 2020Table of ContentsAn Expose of Communist China’s Economic PolicyFunyuns?Goldfish- Neither Gold nor FishAre Walruses fat?I’m Surprised you’re reading this farSexiest Man Alive Adam SandlerWe Stan StantonInterview with Chase of Chase Dining HallBrenda!Instruction Manual of How to Wield Axe WeaponThesisClosing Paragraphs-Why they’re the WorstDamn you made it this farThere, Their, They’re- The real StoryCute Instagram PicsBad Instagram PicsBad Linkedin PicsCats: My Spiritual AwakeningDISCLAIMER: This issue of Contains Egg was written in late February and early March, before the outbreak of COVID-19 that cancelled Wheaton College on-campus classes. Thus the Coronavirus is not mentioned at all, but rest assured; if CE knew anything about this virus, we would have written something hilarious about it, and then someone would have died from COVID-19 and we would face serious social repercussions.ATHLETIC OCCURRENCESNew Basketball Star, the Axe Weapon, Speaks OutA hard-hitting interview with the Howard Street native1228600February’s Howard Street axe scare took the campus by storm. The report was of a white male wielding an axe weapon on Howard Street. The individual called to report that not only were they not “wielding” an axe, just chopping furniture, they were also not a white male.Lost in all the confusion and amazement was the perspective of the Axe Weapon being wielded. The Axe Weapon, who prefers to go by AW, sat down with Contains Egg’s own Flip Wilkins for an inclusive interview about his rise to fame, his thoughts on furniture, and his new role as starting power forward for the Wheaton Lyons Division III basketball team.FLIP: AW, thanks for sitting down with us today. I understand that it has been a hectic few weeks for you and we’re very grateful that you took time out of your busy schedule to speak with the staff of Contains Egg.AW: Thanks Flip, but you don’t need to keep saying “us” and “we”, it’s just you and I here in the back of this Macy’s.FLIP: Talk to me about the Howard Street incident. You were the talk of the town, and a lot of people have been commenting on your role in the event, but no one has reached out to you yet before us.AW: Well, yeah, I think I feel how a lot of people felt, just confused initially but now I can sit back and laugh at it. When you’re an axe - and I always prefer axe over ax - it’s hard to speak up about your role in your choppings, so to sit down and talk about it is refreshing. Personally I never thought that it would start this big hullabaloo, we were just out there to break up some furniture.FLIP: But chopping furniture out on the street is not a usual occurrence. You can understand why people were afraid.AW: Well of course, the way the media portrays axes as soon as you hear “wielding an Axe Weapon,” you think of some kind of lunatic, like the guy from The Shining. I want to go on record and say that we as an axe community do not associate with the axe from The Shining, and we find his actions abhorrent.FLIP: Understandable. Now, AW, is chopping furniture something you’re known for?AW: No, actually I started out as a tree axe, you know, for trees and tree-related flora. But everyone has different paths in life, you know, and I just sort of found myself drifting into furniture destruction. It’s not a career I planned for, but I wasn’t unhappy in my role.FLIP: But you wanted something more?AW: Yeah, I mean, everybody dreams of being bigger than they are, and I have always admired legends like Michael Jordan and the late Kobe Bryant. I think that I have that same killer instinct… [AW pauses to consider his phrasing] That same sort of determination when you just know you can dominate on the basketball court. That’s always been my dream, really, to play basketball. So when the Lyons reached out to offer me a spot on the roster, I was floored.FLIP: Talk to me more about that. How do you get a basketball scholarship out of this whole Howard Street incident?AW: I think the coaches just admired my tenacity, my resilience, and my commitment to destroying furniture. They really associate that last one with offense, and even though I’m clearly a more defense-oriented axe-FLIP: You can just see it on your face.AW: [laughs] Of course! But they really liked my offensive game, and think I could really bring some new inside strength to the four spot. And then the scholarship was just a cherry on top. I mean you and I are - and I’m sure all of your readers are too - are really aware of how expensive Wheaton can be, and any opportunity to lessen that burden, financially at least, on my mother is just a great opportunity.FLIP: You close with your parents?AW: Of course. My mother is a hatchet and my father is a chainsaw, so it’s a bit of an Odd Couple situation, but it’s a great household. FLIP: Well AW, thank you for sitting down with us today, I’m really honored to be able to speak with the next Kevin GarnettAW: [smiles] That’s very kind of you, Flip. If I could even become half the player KG was-FLIP: More like Kevin Garn-AXE, am I right? [wheezing laughter}AW: Get the fuck out.For more sports interviews, visit and the ‘Athletic Occurrences' section.Have a sports figure you want Flip to interview? A story you want in Contains Egg? Contact the writing staff at contains_egg@ for all your compliments and complaints. But mostly compliments; we are very sensitive and take criticism poorly.457200127635030 for 30: Brad from Beard 2nd FloorSports giant ESPN’s acclaimed series of documentaries, 30 for 30, is known for its masterclass portrayals of iconic moments in sports history. Contains Egg’s very own Flip Wilkins sat down with one of Wheaton’s finest athletes to emulate the spirit of those films. Contains Egg presents 30 for 30: Night Running - The Brad from Beard 2nd Floor Story.Brad (last name uncertain) is famous for his medal-winning sprinting down the hallways of the second floor of Wheaton’s Beard Hall. “I just started running without thinking,” Brad told CE. “I had a big turd working its way through me, and needed to get to a toilet asap, shout out Rocky.” From there, he has dedicated himself to emulating the majestic speed of his first turd run. “I think I hit like 30mph,” Brad stated. “At least.”Brad’s turd was the catalyst for a career in hallway running. Often in the early hours of the morning or late at night, when his floormates are in their deepest REM cycles, Brad sprints full-speed from the trash room to the balcony, crossing the entire hall in under 10 seconds. “I think he gets a little faster every time,” commented fellow Beard resident Selena K. “But he doesn’t get any quieter.”Brad’s running has made him something of a campus legend. Stanton reportedly offered Brad upwards of forty Lyons Bucks to transfer to their dorm and run down their halls, but Brad apparently declined. “I really enjoy the halls here at Beard, and I feel like this is where I was meant to be,” Brad said when asked about the contract offer. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of great dorms on campus, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather run.”The floor-running is not without its detractors, however. An anonymous student only identified by the initials RA reached out to Contains Egg to make the following statement: “Brad and his late night runs are a threat to the peace and stability Beard has maintained for years. Also, Brad isn’t a Mayfellow, and neither is his roommate. They both failed their FYS’s. I didn’t even know you could do that. I have no idea how they got a room here.” In response to these attacks, Brad had no comment. Brad’s roommate Chad (ID #w00420690) confirmed that they had both failed their First Year Seminars, but clarified that they were on the baseball team, and “that should give us like, three credits at least.”“Looking ahead, I just want to get faster,” Brad said. “I’ve been on a high fiber diet for the past few weeks, hoping to build up enough brown matter to motivate my body to kick it into overdrive.” As he finished his interview, Brad suddenly ran from the room as his bowels groaned, continuing his pursuit for speed and glory. Contains Egg wishes him petitive Parakeet Racing, and How It’s Taking Over EuropeUnless you have been living under a rock for the past few months, you’ve heard of the new trend sweeping south-eastern continental Europe: parakeet racing. Contains Egg was lucky enough to get an all-inclusive interview with parakeet racer, Jean-Pierre Oiseau, who currently ranks third on Sports Illustrated’s best parakeet racers for the Spring 2020 season.FLIP: Hello Julian. It’s nice to meet you.JPO: (speaking in a very mucus-ridden French accent) I would imagine.(An uncomfortable thirteen minute silence follows).FLIP: Tell me how you got into competitive parakeet racing.JPO: I did it recreationally for years before I considered doing it for money, but in truth it was a natural progression. My father bought me my first parakeet as a boy, and I used to ride him for miles. (As Jean-Pierre says this he puts a cigarette out from his coat, lights it, and then immediately puts it out on a passing waiter. This interview is not being conducted in a restaurant.) The poor, how they make me laugh. Ha ha.FLIP: (visibly uncomfortable) Anyway, can you tell me about the last Olympics? You were expected to win gold but only walked away with the bronze medal. How did that feel?JPO: It felt… (extended pause) bad.FLIP: Would you like to expand upon that?JPO: (growing increasingly furious in a French way) No, I will not. I despise this magazine. The editor of Contains Croissant said that this would be an interview about my artistic abilities.FLIP: Do you have any artistic abilities?JPO: (almost immediately) No.FLIP: …Interesting. Anyway, there’s new concerns about steroid use in the game. How do you feel about that?JPO: It is not only dangerous to the rider, but to the bird. You put a needle in a bird, and nine times out of ten it goes straight through. I am ashamed to even know that some of my fellow racers are using such heinous things. I know that we have barely mentioned parakeet racing in this article, but what I love most about it is the integrity.Author’s Note: Jean-Pierre Oiseau was later arrested, and then banned from parakeet racing for life, for possessing Grade-A White Felt steroids. He has denied the claims. While adjudication goes on, his Bronze medal found its way onto eBay, listed price $20, it was bought for $8. It is now in the possession of Contains Egg.Column: Dungeons and Dragons and the OlympicsA hush falls over the crowd. Sweat drips down the forehead of the Dungeon Master as he stares down a 9th level warlock who is on his last death save. Grinding his teeth the warlock picks up his d20, and with everything he has throws it over the table. For a few brief moments all that can be heard is the dice bouncing on the hardwood, and then it comes to a stop. The crowd leans forward in anticipation, and… he rolled a 4.The sounds of cheers, and crying fill the air as the warlock slumps over in his chair, and wonders if he still has enough time to finish all of his homework before his 9:30 class the next day. The Dungeon Master laughs as he realizes that he can play God, and he can do it well. This may seem like the epitome of excitement , and daring, but to millions of nerds, geeks, and dweebs, it’s a typical Wednesday night in collab room 4 of the Library. It is, DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.Ever since this tabletop role playing game was created, the world has asked one question over and over again: when will this game make it to the Olympics? Some people may say that D&D is not a sport and therefore holds no place in the worldwide stage at the highest level of sports, to those people I say: have you ever watched golf, curling, or dressage? Fucking dressage? All of these sports are in the Olympics, and you could find yourself playing any one of these by accident as much as on purpose.D&D offers the unique chance to engage in a battle of wits as you fight against your friend the Dungeon Master who is intent upon - and content with - killing you. Test your strength as you wonder how long this session will take because you really have to read this book by tomorrow, and you’ve barely started. And challenge your intellect as you have to think about how a tiefling paladin armed only with a spoon would act when confronted by six boblins. If this is not SPORT at its finest, if it is not ATHLETIC at its finest, then I will tell you this, my name is not Flip Wilkins.FILM & CINEMAAN INTERVIEW WITH ADAM SANDLERan imaginary interview with the star of ‘Uncut Gems’ and ‘Jack and Jill’ star(pictured here is Adam Sandler and his friend Kevin. Sandler is the white guy.)FLIP: Hi Adam, how are you?ADAM SANDLER: I’M ADAM SANDLER! LOOK AT ME!FLIP: I sure am, Adam. Congrats on the success of your new film, Uncut Gems. It’s really great.ADAM SANDLER: (mimicking playing the saxophone, but the saxophone isn’t actually a saxophone, it’s just his hands)FLIP: Oh, no need to get so down on yourself. What did you find most challenging about the role?ADAM SANDLER: YOU SEE THE MOVIE HAPPY GILMORE???? THAT’S ME!!!!FLIP: Can’t say I have. The day of its premiere, I got entangled within a jungle gym and was stuck there until 2006, and by that point, you were already making worse movies. But I digress. Since you did play the role of Happy Gilmore, I do wonder what makes you happy?ADAM SANDLER: YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY??? BIG OL’ BUCKET OF SYRUP. FLIP: Hey Adam, what’s your favorite gem?ADAM SANDLER: ONLY THE ONES YOU CAN CUT. SO NONE OF THEM. FLIP: Great point. (at this moment, Flip’s girlfriend Janet enters the dorm room to find Flip alone, naked)FLIP: Janet, listen to me. I know Adam Sandler isn’t in the room with me, I know, okay? But I just wish he was. I wish there was someone in this room who actually gave a shit about me. I wish I could look into another person’s eyes and not see pure hatred and loathing. I pour every ounce of my being into this magazine, I bleed through my teeth every minute writing these stupid freaking articles, for thirteen cents an hour, for you. For you, Janet! And you don’t even have the decency to look at me anymore. After everything I’ve done for you? I pulled you out of a goddamn sinkhole for Christ’s sake. And now I hear you’re out with, with who? Sebastian? The water polo player? That’s rich, Janet. You’d think after everything I’ve done for you, you’d have the decency to just kill me. Put a bullet in my brain, Janet, stop tearing my life apart. You know what? Your mother was right about you. You spend every day trying to be someone you’re not. You’ll never be your sister. Margaret was the better sister, and you should’ve taken her place. I should’ve pulled her out of that sinkhole. Fuck.ADAM SANDLER: The Weeknd tries to seduce my girlfriend in the movie, but his new album is going to be fantastic!FLIP: You heard it here first, folks! That does it for today’s interview. Thanks for coming, Adam.ADAM SANDLER: I was best friends with Chris Farley, but now he’s dead!You can watch Adam Sandler in the Safdie Brothers’ new film “Uncut Gems,” in theatres now. It was nominated for zero academy awards but hey, your cousin liked it, and he’s a film major!A review of the hit drama, THE POSEIDON ADVENTUREWhen one first thinks of The Poseidon Adventure, a few things immediately come to mind: the elegant 1860s dresses, the yearning, the littleness of the titular women. But what most people don’t know about Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of the classic female-centered novel is just how fresh the material can feel in the year 1972. Rounded out by a cast including Saoirse Ronan, Timothee Chalamet, and Laura Dern, The Poseidon Adventure evokes a beautiful range of emotions in just about every scene: Timothee pleading with Saoirse to love him, the sisters learning of Beth’s untimely death from scarlet fever, Mr. Cooper silently listening to Beth playing the piano. One might initially expect a “new” take on a two centuries old book to feel forced to comply with modern standards, but you would be wrong and rude to even think that.My viewing experience began in the viewing hall of Norton’s famed theater, Dougie’s Movie Shack. Douglass “Dougie” Howard Taft (no relation to the 27th president) offered me a mug of coffee and a promise to watch the 1972 adventure classic The Poseidon Adventure. Sure, I said, as long as you’re paying me. Mr. Taft did not pay me. Instead he laced my coffee with some kind of psychoactive drug that sent me into a hallucinatory daze, and I did not awake until after the opening credits. I was not bothered by this.The film did not feature Poseidon, Oceanus, or any other Greek sea deity. Instead it featured several scenes with Meryl Streep and a deep, profound tale of womanhood. The acting was superb, the writing phenomenal, even the soundtrack was fitting. “I didn’t see it myself,” said Mr. Taft, “but my girlfriend recommended it to me.” When pressed, Mr. Taft revealed he was single, and the film was given to him by his mother. Regardless of source, the film deeply pleased me, and I called my friend James to tell him about it.When James arrived I was shocked he knew of Mr. Taft. “That’s Dougie Taft!” he cried upon entering the Movie Shack. “Dark Dougie! The rising drug lord!” After shouting this exposition confidently, James drew a pistol from his long overcoat and pointed it at Taft. “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!” It turned out that my old friend James was in fact an undercover DEA agent.Mr. Taft and James engaged in a shootout while I proceeded to CVS Pharmacy for cough syrup. I told the cashier there about the film I had just seen. She said, “I think you’re talking about Little Women.” I reassured her she was wrong. I had watched The Poseidon Adventure, and by God, it was a film.Column: Top 10 Movie Spiders (Official Ranking)Number 10: The Spider from Big Ass Spider!It’s big ass!Number 9: Shelob from Return of the KingI mean, what about He-lob?Number 8: Tom Holland from Spider-Man: HomecomingSpider-Man looks like Spider-Boy in this hollow remake of the 2002 classic.Number 7: Spider from School of RockPart of No Vacancy, 2003’s most shirtless band.Number 6: Aragog from Harry Potter 6The old version of Hagrid’s lovable arachnid pal.Number 5: Aragog from Harry Potter 2The less-dead version of Hagrid’s cuddly crawler.Number 4: The Giant Robot Spider from Wild Wild WestThe only redeeming thing about this movie is this 80-foot tall hunk.Number 3: Tobey Maguire in The Great GatsbyAh shit, wrong movie!Number 2: Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 2The greatest superhero on the big screen outside of Chris Evans as the Human Torch.Number 1: Jake Gyllenhall’s Wife in EnemyI don’t understand it, but I liked it. Maybe it was the Ambien.MUSICRising Artist: Run from the GeeseThe British Invasion of the 1960s. The takeover of Spanish music in the late 2010s. American popular music has always been greatly influenced by outside countries and communities. The small Eastern European country of Bekelsylvania could be next on the list of great music exporters. The new rock band Run from the Geese seeks to recapture the sound of the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Richard Cheese, and similar artists, and bring rock and roll back into the American charts.Four Bekelsylvanian teens sit lazily around a table in their favorite diner, Emerson Dining Hall. “We’ve been coming here for three, maybe four weeks now,” notes lead singer and bassist Olaf Goose. “Sven [Olaf’s brother and the band’s lead guitarist] spotted it and we’ve been infatuated with the little bread cupcake things ever since.” Olaf is referring to blueberry muffins, and even as he chats with Contains Egg reporter Flip Wilkins he shoves one into his face, paper and all.Run from the Geese burst onto the scene with their hit debut single, “Maggie Moe,” an upbeat rocker that racked up over thirteen streams on Spotify. “We were really blown away by the response we got,” says rhythm guitarist Voltaire Tupitsa. “People loved it. And they really liked the rest of the album.” The band’s first record, Run G.O.O.S.E., released in May of last year to rave fan reviews. “The best Beatles parody act in ages,” said one Metacritic. The band emphasized they did not understand what the word parody meant, but they were thrilled that their music was appreciated by American fans.It’s easy to see what captivates audiences about the group, from Bekelsylvania to Norton, Mass. Whether it’s the trendy buzz cuts, the stained suits, or the fact that they always smell like freshly cut grass, young people from across the Dimple are flocking to see the band perform fan-favorite tracks like “Sacramento (Lonely & Sad)” and “I’ll Be Back Before Not Too Long.” Contains Egg had a front row seat to their late night Lyons Den performance, a thrilling fifteen minutes that brought the house down. After the ceiling was fixed, the band closed out the show with a heartwarming performance of their ballad “Mary Lyons Always Cold.” “We just try to go out there and have fun, and put on a good show,” said Sven. Drummer Rob nods his head in the background, but per band rules, he is not allowed to speak. (“Rob is such a fucking bummer,” was all frontman Olaf had to say about the matter). “Making good music is our first priority,” Sven added. “I mean, if we just went out there and made a ton of money, and a bunch of American girls want to hang out in our trailer, and we get huge coke addictions… that sounds pretty good actually.” The Bekelsylvanians are adjusting well to their American tour, quickly adopting customs foreign to them like paying for their own food and washing their clothes. “It’s just like home,” Olaf observed, “Except there’s less rain and less forced labor, and more ice cream. But really there aren’t too many differences.” Run from the Geese are currently staying in the Balfour Hood Campus Center handicap bathroom, working on their next album, Everything’s Coming Up Goose, releasing exclusively on CD this fall.Column: I’m Not Sure Who Dua Loopa Is, And At This Point, I’m Too Afraid To AskDual Lips: when did this happen? I was initially made aware of her presence as an artist when first hearing her name with my ears, sometime between last Chrismiz and the Chrismiz of this upcoming December. Have I heard Duolingo’s music? Perhaps, in passing, in between my nightly cheese sessions. Did I looz the ability to pronunce and spell most words after my pogo-stick accident last year? You bett. The thing about short-term memory loss. as a result of blunt pogo-stick damage is this: don’t ride pogo-sticks after dark, or you’ll forget who most people are, let alone random new pop stars named Dip Lizzo. New rules, I count em? More like I can’t count for shit now. Thanks, Scooby Dua Lipa. I Do Not Understand the BeatlesWe all know about John, Paul, George, and Ringo, the four lucky lads from Liverpool who swept onto the American stage so many years ago. But I’m just going to say it, I do not understand the appeal. Below I will go through point by point what I think is the most important about each member of the Beatles, and you will see why I do not understand how they could possibly make up the most famous band of all time.PaulFrom South America and can grow up to 8 inches in lengthHas a protective outer shellGoes through a metamorphosis, i.e. the late 60’sPlays bass left handedJohnHas six legsGeorgeThe quiet oneWas stabbedReally cool guyRingoNot sure he has handsLooks like a pirateSexiest nose ever?Sexiest nose ever!In short, the Beatles are a band made up of has-beens, hussies, and prostitutes. The only album of theirs I can even tolerate is Yellow Submarine, and even that is too droning. They had silly haircuts and stupid British accents. Their music is fine, but it pales in comparison to bands like The Rutles and RAIN. And yet their music still infests the radios of today. They even have their own Sirius XM station. What?!The PastHerman Cain: The Truth: RevisitedIf you’re like me, please stop. But if you continue to defy my wishes, and you are like me, you often think about former presidential candidate, almost nominated to the Federal Reserve, and pizza shop owner, Herman Cain.It was over eight years ago when the lovable man shucky-duckied his way into our hearts. Contains Egg laments the failed 2012 Presidential campaign of Cain, and has often wondered what it would be like, what would the country be like, if we were now under his illustrious leadership. As Cain said, “One right decision doth not a great President make,” What he meant by this, even he doesn’t know. Cain was willing to tell it like it is, saying “People who oppose Obama are said to be racist - so I guess I’m a racist.” Never before had a presidential candidate told it like it is so truthfully, and speak truth to power.While not fighting the power that be he was spending time with his family, “It’s not about me, it’s about the grandkids. That’s what a lot of people don’t understand about what Herman is up to.” We are sad to report that this article is in fact about Herman Cain, and not the grandkids. What spoke most to this writer was Cain’s campaign promises, really speaking to the issues that mattered to the American people. “We need a leader, not a reader.” For too long have Washington insiders, and elites, have sat in their ivory towers, and “read books” like demi-gods among men. We finally had someone who could speak to the dirty masses struggling to figure out the alphabet. Finally someone who could speak to the American people.Foreign policy is where Cain truly shined, though we will try not to spend too much time mournfully thinking about how relations with countries like “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” would currently be if we were under his leadership. Sadly, and fortunately we will never know.Well Mr. Cain, the American voters overwhelmingly did not want you, maybe for your bad policies, and general sense of silliness as a person and presidential candidate, but although you may not be The President, you will always be My President.Column: Headlines from Past Issues of Contains Egg“Men at Wheaton College, Yuck!”Contains Egg, September 1988Memorable line: “If men start being let into Wheaton, what next? Athletes? Business majors?”“The Beatles will Never Break Up”Contains Egg: Behind the Music, December 1969Memorable line: “This band is going to last forever, like the Berlin Wall, or the ice caps!”“Mercury Is Good For You And Here Is Why”The Science Issue, January 1875Memorable line: “Look at how fun it is to play with! I mean, c’mon, it’s in fish!”“Top Ten Acts of Political Oppression (Number Four Has Been Redacted!)”The Nixon Issue, June 1972Memorable line: Watergate is just the beginning. What about TeddyBearGate?“Rap?”Contains Egg, August 1979Memorable line: “I’m not sure what it is, but I like it, and I know Reagan will hate it.”“Tungsten, Jesus, and The Truth”The Enlightened Issue, April 1789Memorable line: “We have always thought about stuff, but what if we thought about thinking?”“Flip Wilkins Is Born”Contains Egg 0, December 1999Memorable line: “I was born how I will die: screaming and covered in my mother’s blood.”“Christopher Columbus Goes Crazy Somewhere That Definitely Is Not India”The Explorer Issue, May 1492Memorable line: “The King of Spain sighed and said, ‘Honestly, my bad.’”“Rome Murders Man Who Was Just Trying His Best”Contains Egg: The Early Years, AD 33Memorable line: “His only mistake was telling us all to be kind and love each other.”Alternate History: What if ABBA Was ABBA, but Chinese?by Flip Wilkins, with contributions by Flip WilkinsSince Ronald Reagan defeated Mikhail Gorbachev in a 1989 edition of WWE SmackDown, America has been a global superpower, a dominant force in political, economic, and military matters. But even the great United S of A could not have conceived of such a blissfully delightful musical supergroup as Sweden’s ABBA. A dominant force in 1970s pop, the group formerly known as Bj?rn & Benny, Agnetha & Anni-Frid captivated audiences worldwide and were even the inspiration behind Meryl Streep’s signature film Mamma Mia! But as powerful as ABBA was, their success has left audiences with the all-too-familiar nagging question: what if ABBA were Chinese?China is the world’s most inhabited country, with over 1 billion residents, and they have a unique and strong culture that has endured over a thousand years. Stars like singer and part-time martial artist Jackie Chan have become popular in the States, despite some tensions between the US and China as two of the world’s most powerful countries. President Donald Trump has spoken about jobs being stolen from America by China. So with all this conflict and crossover, how would the world be impacted if disco superstars ABBA were Chinese?This group, 阿巴, would dominate Chinese musical charts in the early to mid 70s. With Chairman Mao’s death in 1976, Hua Guofeng would take up leadership of the People’s Republic, but with 阿巴’s musical dominance he would have a rival for the seat of Chairman. With both the Gang of Four and 阿巴 to deal with Guofeng’s hold over China would weaken, allowing 阿巴 to work its way up the ladder - well it is Communism we are dealing with here, so less a ladder and more a moving sidewalk - and challenge Guofeng. Eventually Guofeng would have both the Gang of Four and 阿巴 arrested, but with the greatest musical group of all time behind bars the good people of China would rise up to free them. Mass riots would eventually topple the Guofeng regime, and 阿巴 would replace them as an oligarchy, eventually warming relations between China and America (and of course Sweden). ABBA was very vocal about their economic policies and stances on social issues, so we can assume as rulers the four musicians would be able to transform China over the years into a republic not unlike that of Ancient Rome.In truth the results would be, as you can see, fairly minor, and most historians do not touch upon China when they discuss ABBA, for the conclusions are forgone, with most readers already having studied them in primary school. Some ABBA-truthers insist that even in their older age they could still cross the globe and become Chinese-Swedish-American ambassadors, and the more radical members of that group even advocate for ABBA to marry Sweden in China to create the People’s Republic of Sweden. While the public remains divided on the issue, filmmaker David Lynch has decided to explore the possibility of an ABBA-controlled China this summer with his new picture Mamma Mia 3: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Communist Party After Midnight). The film has already been banned from Chinese cinemas.914400323850A Review of the March 2020 issue of Contains Eggby Dr. Flop Jenkins, PhDWheaton College Massachusetts has several on campus publications, including the popular Wheaton Wire, the powerful Babe Lincoln, and the Pulitzer Prize consideree Rushlight. But no magazine is more crude, lackluster, and time-wasting than the so-called comedic periodical Contains Egg, a production of one ‘Flip Wilkins’.The subject of Contains Egg and why it exists is shrouded in mystery, but this reviewer notes it has several similarities to the aforementioned, well-respected magazines and journals, with one reader (identified as one Dr. Jenkins) calling it “the Ford Theater version of Babe Lincoln.” The reader went on to refer to Flip Wilkins and his staff as “Rushlight rejects” who “present themselves in a manner even less sophisticated than that of the writing team behind Kourtney and Kim Take Miami.”Mr. Wilkins poor attempts to satirize magazine standards and poke fun at the Wheaton campus fall flat and feel dated or juvenile. References to obscure films like The Poseidon Adventure and Big Ass Spider! feel out of place in a placeless magazine. Boomer humor dominates a column about Dua Lipa, and a bizarrely normal interview with an ax weapon finds itself in a section about sports. Even more confusingly, the table of contents at the front of the magazine is long, erratic, and none of the articles mentioned appear in the issue.By far the worst portion of the magazine is the “Real Estate” section, a surreal collection of non-comedic pieces including a review of a two year old Pokemon game, a horribly misspelt call for copy editors, and an essay on the contrast between idealism and practicality. The advertisement for copy editors is especially heinous, as it assumes Wheaton College students would be so brainless as to want to participate in such a disgustingly unfunny waste of paper.Flip Wilkins must look in the mirror every morning and ask himself why he is killing over three dozen trees every month in order to publish a magazine no one wants to read. The utter ridiculousness of the periodical and severe lack of direction may entertain certain children, dogs with brain damage, and Rob Riggle. But any self-respecting Wheaton College student should stay away from Flip Wilkins, Contains Egg, and any other publication that uses portraits of famous naval commanders covered in egg as their cover art.Flop Jenkins studied at Oxford College for 3.5 semesters and received his philosophical doctorate in magazine studies. He currently works for Contains Egg as a critical consultant. Dear Flip: Letters to the EditorReaders of Contains Egg enjoy writing in to compliment, complain, and give thanks to the editor-in-chief behind the magazine, Flip Wilkins. A singular, powerful voice in Wheaton College comedy, Flip greatly enjoys writing about himself in the third person and connecting with readers. At the end of each issue, we publish the best letters to the editor in sections like these. You’re reading it, right now!Dear Flip, What is your drink of choice?Dear Reader, I do not drink. I photosynthesize. It’s twenty-twenty, you should know better.Dear Flip, are you single?No. I am a quad.Hallo Flip. Ich liebe du. Ich am ein long zeit reader und ich never miss ein Artikel. I waz wundering wat ist ein favoriteit farbe. Also donde esta la biblioteca?Dear Reader, I believe you have our magazine confused with our German affiliate, Contains Schnitzel. You are looking for Hans Vilkins. Dear Flip, I like a girl in my English class. How do I ask her out?Dear Reader, you just need to be yourself. If you are someone else, she will be confused as to why she is dating a doppelganger. Women do not like people who pretend to be other people. You see, women are like chairs. You just need to treat them with respect. As long as you are honest, kind, and faithful to your god, she will see your worth. Best of luck.Dear Flip, how do I stop being racist?Dear Reader, one must get rid of objects that remind themselves of painful memories. Destroying your white robes and removing all Nazi perophanallia from your dorm room is a good start. If you have any questions do not hesitate to reach out to the guidance center on campus. Thanks.Dear Flip, what’s your workout routine?Dear Reader, I head to the gym at seven a.m. every morning and do exclusively crunches. Crunches work on your core, and if you don’t have a solid core, your body will become jelly. I keep a strict diet of water, salad croutons, and the occasional peanut-butter-and-avocado sandwich. If you let your diet slip you'll let your soul slip. And that's what exercise is really, diet for the soul. Thanks for writing in.Dear Flip, who's behind Contains Egg?Dear Reader, I run the magazine and personally write or oversee most of the articles. I have a semi-talented staff of writers who work anti-bono for me around the clock. Their names cannot be given out for legal reasons. I am editor-in-chief and have final say on everything in the magazine. So, you're welcome. Best, Flip.Dear Flip, what can we expect from the April 2020 issue of Contains Egg?Dear Reader, I think it will be one of our biggest issues yet, most certainly in our top two. We will have contributions from some new writers, hopefully some new ediots, and perhaps even a few artists. The painting kind of artists, not ballet dancers who think them spinning in a circle during a Lorde song is art. Think of it like season four of Dexter: very good with an extremely sad ending, and we will never be good again after it. Best, Flip.If you have a question for Flip Wilkins, make sure to write it out in a way that does not offend the very sensitive and immature editor, and include your name and class year. We do not care about your major. Please email the question to us at contains_egg@ or write a letter and drop it off in the trash can outside Balfour. Sure, he can’t get it that way, but the raccoons will.Colum: Copy Editers Wanted NEEDEDReeder; are you a Wheaton Collage student or Norton residen; Do you have a keen i and an riters heart; Are you the girl friend who takes Derek back 1 more time, just this 1 lst time, beecause you think you can ficks him; then you may be innerested in becoming a copy editer for Contains Megg… Qualitys needed in a quality copy editer include;Willingnes to deal with a inmature editor-in-cheifSecondary school level writhing abilitieSpell-chequeKiller takeduwn movesSthrong leg muscelsKind eyesPlease apple today ; @ contains_egg@. Contains Egg welcomes reader submissions and writer or editor applications. If you have an article you’d like to see in Contains Egg, or would like to become an unpaid footstool for Flip Wilkins, please email us at contains_egg@, or scour campus for evidence of Flip’s existence. Here’s a hint: He goes to Chase REALLY early and leaves his cereal bowl on the table without cleaning it. ................
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