CHAPTER 9



CHAPTER 9

Attraction and Close Relationships

HANDOUT 9.1 Coding the Personals

___________ seeking ___________

|Characteristic |Offers |Seeks |Mentions |

|attractiveness | | | |

|height | | | |

|weight | | | |

|body description (other than height| | | |

|or weight) | | | |

|blond hair color | | | |

|other hair color | | | |

|eye color | | | |

|personality (general) | | | |

|ambitious, goal-oriented | | | |

|independent | | | |

|physically active | | | |

|kind/warm/sensitive | | | |

|extroverted/outgoing | | | |

|introverted/introspective | | | |

|good listener | | | |

|talker, communicator | | | |

|younger partner | | | |

|older partner | | | |

|range of age given (range includes | | | |

|more than 2 years older) | | | |

|education | | | |

|specific occupation | | | |

|“professional” status | | | |

|financial status | | | |

|“commitment” or “serious” | | | |

|relationship | | | |

HANDOUT 9.5a Word List

bone pertinent integrity cash worse

weakness honeymoon slaughter eager trend

formation magnitude execution prize fence

inhabitant desirable crime enjoy panel

emergency manufacture wonderful pale award

storm destroyed prominent trace translation

measurement delightful charm trend guilt

prisoners custom enthusiasm ugly humor

criticism blame extra mature corruption

apparatus satisfying conspiracy route objectives

angry conspiracy magnificent wisdom label

objectives disturbing outstanding panic impression

hatred detect margin injury terror

threatening

HANDOUT 9.5b Word List

comedy border destruction fascinating cancer

conception talent alienation comfortable locate

intentions lucky inadequate stamp attractive

mechanism smile dimension dedication track

resentment victim devil isolation funny

alternative error spare excellence trust

probability waste condemned switch glory

arrangement fantastic habit proud brilliant

happiness joke applicable suffering arrangement

stone chair dangerous marvelous sheet

pause false fool favorable residents

trembling hung snake revolution variables

violence shame wire

HANDOUT 9.6a IOS

Based on the scale below, please write a number from 1 to 5 before each of the following statements so as to rate how true or descriptive that statement is for you.[1]

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |

|not at all true |slightly true |somewhat true |mostly true |completely true |

|_____ |1. |One of my greatest sources of comfort when things get rough is being with other people. |

|_____ |2. |I prefer to participate in activities alongside other people rather than by myself because I like to see how I am doing |

| | |on the activity. |

|_____ |3. |The main thing I like about being around other people is the warm glow I get from contact with them. |

|_____ |4. |It seems like whenever something bad or disturbing happens to me I often just want to be with close, reliable friends. |

|_____ |5. |I mainly like people who seem strongly drawn to me and who seem infatuated with me. |

|_____ |6. |I think I get satisfaction out of contact with others more than most people realize. |

|_____ |7. |When I am not certain about how well I am doing at something, I usually like to be around others so I can compare myself|

| | |to them. |

|_____ |8. |I like to be around people when I can be the center of attention. |

|_____ |9. |When I have not done very well on something that is very important to me, I can get to feeling better simply by being |

| | |around other people. |

|_____ |10. |Just being around others and finding out about them is one of the most interesting things I can think of doing. |

|_____ |11. |I seem to get satisfaction from being with others more than a lot of other people do. |

|_____ |12. |If I am uncertain about what is expected of me, such as on a task or in a social situation, I usually like to be able to|

| | |look to others for cues. |

|_____ |13. |I feel like I have really accomplished something valuable when I am able to get close to someone. |

|_____ |14. |I find that I often have the desire to be around other people who are experiencing the same thing I am when I am unsure |

| | |of what is going on. |

|_____ |15. |During times when I have to go through something painful, I usually find that having someone with me makes it less |

| | |painful. |

|_____ |16. |I often have a strong need to be around people who are impressed with what I am like and what I do. |

|_____ |17. |If I feel unhappy or kind of depressed, I usually try to be around other people to make me feel better. |

|_____ |18. |I find that I often look to certain other people to see how I compare to others. |

|_____ |19. |I mainly like to be around others who think I am an important, exciting person. |

|_____ |20. |I think it would be satisfying if I could have very close friendships with quite a few people. |

|_____ |21. |I often have a strong desire to get people I am around to notice me and appreciate what I am like. |

|_____ |22. |I don’t like being with people who may give me less than positive feedback about myself. |

|_____ |23. |I usually have the greatest need to have other people around me when I feel upset about something. |

|_____ |24. |I think being close to others, listening to them, and relating to them on a one-to-one level is one of my favorite and |

| | |most satisfying pastimes. |

|_____ |25. |I would find it satisfying to be able to form new friendships with whomever I liked. |

|_____ |26. |One of the most enjoyable things I can think of that I like to do is just watching people and seeing what they are like.|

HANDOUT 9.6b IOS Scoring

Emotional Support Subscale:

Items #1, #4, #9, #15, #17, and #23.

Attention Subscale:

Items #5, #8, #16, #19, #21, and #22.

Positive Stimulation Subscale:

Items #3, #6, #10, #11, #13, #20, #24, #25, and #26.

Social Comparison Subscale:

Items #2, #7, #12, #14, and #18.

HANDOUT 9.6c Affiliation

The need for affiliation may be defined as the desire to establish and maintain many rewarding interpersonal relationships, with an emphasis on the breadth and quantity of relationships. Some people seem to have a very strong motivation for affiliation, others seem to be much less motivated to affiliate in this way. Compared to the average student in this class, how high or low do you think your own need for affiliation is?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very below average | | |average | | |very above average |

| | | | | | | |

To the extent that you are motivated to establish and maintain many interpersonal relationships, what are your most important reasons for having this motivation?

HANDOUT 9.8

Based on the scale below, please write a number from 1 to 4 before each of the following statements so as to rate the extent to which you agree or disagree that the statement is true or descriptive for you.

|1 |2 |3 |4 |

|strongly disagree |disagree |agree |strongly agree |

|___ |1. |When I am attracted to someone, I usually make my feelings known to that person fairly quickly. |

|___ |2. |I am not attracted to other people very easily. |

|___ |3. |If someone I am attracted to is playing hard-to-get, I lose interest in this person pretty quickly and am no longer |

| | |attracted to him or her. |

|___ |4. |I frequently feel nervous and intimidated in the company of someone to whom I am attracted. |

|___ |5. |It’s a great feeling to know that someone whom I don’t know very well likes me. |

|___ |6. |If I try hard, I can usually make other people like me. |

|___ |7. |There always seems to be at least a few people in my surroundings whom I would really love to get to know better. |

|___ |8. |I have a lot of confidence when it comes to “making small talk” or first getting to know someone to whom I am attracted. |

|___ |9. |I don’t really care that much about what people other than my very close friends and my family think of me. |

|___ |10. |I would be much happier if I had more close friends and/or romantic relationships. |

|___ |11. |I get very nervous about risking rejection when I consider approaching people to whom I’m attracted. |

|___ |12. |I do not spend much time thinking about who may be attracted to me or to whom I may be attracted. |

|___ |13. |If I could change anything about myself it would be to develop more confidence and social skills. |

|___ |14. |If I’m attracted to someone, I don’t worry very much about the possibility of rejection but instead focus on the potential |

| | |for a successful relationship. |

HANDOUT 9.9a Friendships and Acquaintances

Friend

1. How far away from each other did you and your friend live when you first met? How far away do you live now?

2. How old are you and your friend?

3. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of physical attractiveness?

4. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of your personalities and interests?

5. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of specific attitudes?

6. Are you and your friend opposite each other on any personality dimensions? For example, is one of you assertive and the other passive?

7. Why did you become friends with this person? Why do you remain friends?

HANDOUT 9.9b Friendships and Acquaintances

Classmate

1. How far away from each other did you and your classmate live when you first met? How far away do you live now?

2. How old are you and your classmate?

3. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of physical attractiveness?

4. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of your personalities and interests?

5. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of specific attitudes?

6. Are you and your classmate opposite each other on any personality dimensions? For example, is one of you assertive and the other passive?

HANDOUT 9.9c Friendships and Acquaintances (Friend)

1. a. How far away from each other did you and your friend live when you first met?

Circle the number of the most accurate answer :

(1). shared same room or suite

(2). rooms were close to each other

(3). same building

(4). nearby buildings

(5). neither nearby nor very far away

(6). relatively far away from each other

b. How far away from each other do you and your friend live now?

Circle the number of the most accurate answer :

(1). share same room or suite

(2). rooms are close to each other

(3). same building

(4). nearby buildings

(5). neither nearby nor very far away

(6). relatively far away from each other

2. How old are you and your friend?

|Your age: ______________ |Your friend’s age: ______________ |

3. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of physical attractiveness?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

4. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of your personalities and interests?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

5. How similar do you think you and your friend are in terms of specific attitudes?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

6. Are you and your friend opposite each other on any personality dimensions? For example, is one of you assertive and the other passive?

Please circle one:

|no |yes, on 1 or 2 dimensions |yes, on many dimensions |

7. On the reverse side, discuss why you became friends with this person, and why you remain friends.

HANDOUT 9.9d Friendships and Acquaintances (Classmate)

1. a. How far away from each other did you and your classmate live when you first met?

Circle the number of the most accurate answer :

(1). shared same room or suite

(2). rooms were close to each other

(3). same building

(4). nearby buildings

(5). neither nearby nor very far away

(6). relatively far away from each other

b. How far away from each other do you and your classmate live now?

Circle the number of the most accurate answer :

(1). share same room or suite

(2). rooms are close to each other

(3). same building

(4). nearby buildings

(5). neither nearby nor very far away

(6). relatively far away from each other

2. How old are you and your classmate ?

|Your age: ______________ |Your classmate’s age: ______________ |

3. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of physical attractiveness?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

4. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of your personalities and interests?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

5. How similar do you think you and your classmate are in terms of specific attitudes?

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |

|very dissimilar | | | |very similar |

6. Are you and your classmate opposite each other on any personality dimensions? For example, is one of you assertive and the other passive?

Please circle one:

|no |yes, on 1 or 2 dimensions |yes, on many dimensions |

HANDOUT 9.10 Characteristics in Common

For each characteristic listed below, place a checkmark in the appropriate column or columns to indicate that the characteristic is true of yourself, your close friend, an acquaintance who is not a close friend, your current or most recent romantic partner, and your ideal or fantasy romantic partner.

| |Self |Friend |Acquaintance |Romantic partner |Romantic ideal |

|Ambitious |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Assertive/Dominant |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Dependent |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Good listener |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Good sense of humor |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Independent |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Intelligent |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Introspective |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Likes to take charge |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Loner |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Optimistic |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Organized, plans ahead |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Outgoing |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Passive/Submissive |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Pessimistic |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Physically active |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Physically attractive |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Physically lazy |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Politically active, aware |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Responsible |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Spontaneous |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Talkative |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

|Warm |____ |____ |____ |____ |____ |

HANDOUT 9.12 Intimate Relationships

Is this an intimate relationship?

1. Y N Martha adores her dog Pepper, and spends a lot of time with her.

2. Y N Harry has been infatuated with Ruth for years, but he never talks to her.

3. Y N Bob and Ida have been married for thirty years, but now they hardly talk.

4. Y N Maria and Al have just started dating and are preoccupied with thoughts about one another.

5. Y N Oscar’s mother has always been his best friend. He calls her almost about one another.

6. Y N Nellie and Paula have been good friends since second grade, but they rarely see each other now.

7. Y N Linda and Bill have been dating for two years, but they will be unable to see each other for another year because Linda’s work takes her out of the country.

8. Y N Hilda and Agnes talk to each other every day and are pleasant to each other, but secretly they both despise each other.

9. Y N Mark and Ken regularly play golf and go bowling together, but they never share the details of their lives with one another.

10. Y N Nancy and James are sixteen. They have been dating for two years and have decided to get married.

HANDOUT 9.13 Passionate Love Scale

This questionnaire asks you to describe how you feel when you are passionately in love. Think of the person whom you love most passionately right now. If you are not in love right now, think of someone you loved before. Enter that person’s name in the blank line in each question, and respond accordingly to how you felt at the time your feelings were most intense. Higher scores on this scale indicate greater passionate love.[2]

Answer each of the following items in terms of this scale.

|1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |8 |9 |

|Not at all | | |Moderately | | |Definitely |

|true | | |true | | |true |

1. I would feel deep despair if ________ left me.

2. Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on ________ .

3. I feel happy when I am doing something to make ________ happy.

4. I would rather be with ________ than anyone else.

5. I’d get jealous if I thought ________ were falling in love with someone else.

6. I yearn to know all about ________ .

7. I want ________ -- physically, emotionally, mentally.

8. I have an endless appetite for affection from ________ .

9. For me, ________ is the perfect romantic partner.

10. I sense my body responding when ________ touches me.

11. ________ always seems to be on my mind.

12. I want ________ to know me -- my thoughts, my fears, and my hopes.

13. I eagerly look for signs indicating ________’s desire for me.

14. I possess a powerful attraction for ________.

15. I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship with _____.

HANDOUT 9.14 Attachment Styles

Which of the following best describes your feelings?

1. I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting close to me.

2. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

3. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

Handout 9.16

For each of the following people, identify whether the person is heterosexual (H), gay (G), lesbian (L), or bisexual (B), based on the information provided. For each person, briefly make note of your reasons for the decision.

Having had no sexual experiences in high school at all, this man started to have sexual encounters with men while he was a freshman in college. He has since graduated and joined the work force and has never attempted to date women.

As a teenager, this woman began to think of herself as a lesbian. In high school, however, she had two brief sexual relationships with men, since then, for the past two years, she has been involved with the same female partner.

This woman has had several intimate sexual relationships with both men and women, though her last three relationships were with men.

This woman who used to identify herself as a lesbian in her junior year in high school, has since then decided that she is attracted only to men

Although she has been happily married for the past fifteen years. This woman now admits to herself that she is strongly attracted to both men and women

For the first thirty-five years of his life, this man has always considered himself straight. Now, however, he finds himself attracted to a man that he has business dealings with.

This man who was in a homosexual relationship for six years is now in a monogamous relationship with a woman.

This man has never had relationships with either women or men.

This young man spent a year flirting with the idea that he was homosexual. After a year of experimentation, he decided that he was really heterosexual and is now dating women exclusively.

This woman who has recently been widowed, after a marriage of twenty-five years and four kids, has now moved in with a female partner.

-----------------------

[1] From Hill. Copyright © 1987 by the American Psychological Association. Reprinted with permission.

[2] From Hatfield & Rapson. Copyright © 1987 by JAI Press, Inc. Reprinted with permission.

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