WILLINGLY hiding away. Not taking any steps to move away ...

The Happy Kid

Caught up in a feeling of sickness that is hard to cure. Completely closing himself off from the world. Someone lost to himself in the fake worlds that he has created. Completely submitting himself to the things that he knows are allowing himself to hide. WILLINGLY hiding away. Not taking any steps to move away from that endless cycle that he keeps putting himself back into.

He pushes his emotions down. Satisfied with not being fully himself, despite others around him showing their concern. Yet he still submits himself into that world. Doing the thing he has done his whole life. Pushing others out. Only trusting himself. Not allowing others to see it... even though they are the people who can help him the most. But with the fear of being considered weak... he just continues onwards, losing himself in a world of his own creation.

Pushing his parents away like he has his entire life. Scared that if he ever let anyone close... that'll be the end of it. His naivety will be taken advantage of, and he'll just find himself hiding away again. He has never really trusted anyone. Even when he is trying he can't help but feel like he is saying too much. Like that one extra word will condemn him to be alone. Like no matter what... he is meant to be alone. Just like he always was. Too scared to let people close... so he didn't let ANYONE get close. He kept pushing them away and didn't tell them anything. Letting them know the bare minimum as he still came off as the happy one.

He was the happy kid.

Yet... No one could see what was really going on. After a string of bad circumstances, he can't help but feel like he could no longer be considered the happy kid. He has effectively lost his title as he pushes his emotions down, trying to make others happy while he is plummeting down a pit of despair. With every person he made smile,

he could feel like his work was done. Even though he hasn't smiled in a while. Yet... everyone still saw him as one thing.

The Happy Kid.

The person who had everything together. The one that everyone saw as the kid who will lift anyone up when they're in a bad mood. Everyone looked up to him for his happiness... but no one asked him how he was actually feeling. One person did, but the Happy Kid didn't know HOW he was feeling. All he knew was the happiness that persisted across his life and the feelings that he pushed down with video games. He didn't know how to deal with these emotions... so he only accepted the fact that he was happy. He was too scared to accept any other emotions.

And when he finally started trying to accept them... he spiraled downward. Everything in his life started to fall apart. He didn't know what was happening. He is finally trying to be open about his feelings, but what's the point if it's so hard to accept every single thing that he was feeling? If at the end of the day it sent him spiraling down a path of depression... what was the point? It didn't seem to do anything but make him feel worse. He was TOLD to be open. That it would help him progress. Then... why is it making him regress? No matter what he tries, he just finds himself feeling worse than before. Lost in that feeling of pure and utter...

Depression.

A feeling that utterly dominated his form now. One that persists across every single thing that he was doing... yet... he didn't feel sad. All he felt was... empty. A feeling of losing himself to these feelings that he has pushed down his entire life. Finally fighting back against the emotions that he has pushed down! Doing his best to stay positive in a rising tide of blackness and sadness that is completely taking up his feelings. Leaving nothing but the feeling to just go back...

And be the Happy Kid.

To force that happiness back. To be the happy one again and to try and force that sadness back down. Yet... it doesn't work. In a weird twist of fate, he goes to the people around him to see if they can help. After having avoided people for so long, he seeks refuge in his close friends. They tell him to seek professional help... but he can't. Through extraneous circumstances, he can't convince himself to tell his family. Why?

He.

Was.

TERRIFIED.

He has never tried to be open before. Even when he tries, he can't help but feel like it doesn't help. Like if he is finally open about his feelings, that unfiltered version of himself that he doesn't want anyone to see will finally break free. The feelings of himself that he didn't want others to see. The fun-loving one who is too scared to try new hobbies. Getting obsessed with games because he is too scared to be adventurous and to try new things. The addiction that has evolved so far as to completely take over his life.

Yet... everyone sees it as just that. An addiction. No one knows that games allow him to forget the world around him in a fit of escapism to try and allow himself to come off as okay. Video games ground him. But his parents only see a distraction. Not an addiction that has grown too large to handle. Not a means to an end to try and keep himself happy when he is in a state of trying to handle his emotions. Emotions that he has no idea how to manage, considering he has pushed them down all of his life. What... would be the reason to let them out? Especially when he could be...

The Happy Kid.

Yet that depression still lingers. A feeling spawned from an endless cycle of searching for another denial. Of trying, again and again, to make the people around him proud... yet he just keeps failing. Go to another site in his search. Persist for a bit longer. Come up with zero results, and lose himself further into those feelings.

What was he doing wrong?

He couldn't help but feel he was doing every single thing right. He was trying to do the things he is asked to do, yet he is just yelled at for not actually doing them. He is trying his absolute hardest with his mental health being the absolute worst it has been... and he is yelled at. Told he needs to try harder, even though he has never tried harder in his life. Losing so much, fighting through depression while going through life, falling for a scam that he is constantly blaming himself for, and then being yelled at for not trying hard enough.

Being told to just keep looking for a job even though he has lost his family thousands of dollars while looking forward to a single opportunity. He saw a glimpse of hope in the darkness that made him gungho... and it did nothing but blow up in his face.

Still trying to stay positive, he continues on. Trying to be exactly what he has been for who knows how long. Pushing those emotions down with games. Hiding his feelings. Pushing forward with a smile on his face.

Because...

He was the Happy Kid.

And that's what he is always going to be.

The Happy Kid.

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