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MEN ARE HUSBANDS,

WOMEN ARE WIVES

a comedy by

Lawrence DuKore

Contact:

Lawrence DuKore

540 W. 52nd St. / apt. 2A

New York, NY 10019

ph: (212) 315 0558

email: ldukore@nyc.

(c) copyright by the author

MEN ARE HUSBANDS, WOMEN ARE WIVES

(a/k/a “The Bull on the Roof”)

Characters

Duke (Leonard) Kaufman early 30s, straight, free lance writer

Jean Bonhomme (John Goodman) late 20s, gay, chef/restaurant owner

Kelly Pine late 20s, gay male dancer

Donna Mobley early 30s, straight, sports agent

Most of the action takes place in the downtown (Tribeca) Manhattan penthouse apartment, converted from a warehouse, owned by Jean Bonhomme (John Goodman).

The time frame is the present, Act One and four years later (Act Two).

(Note: the play may be presented without an intermission)

1.

Act One

Scene 1. The downtown Manhattan loft of Jean Bonhomme. The time is the present; mid-December. It is seven o’clock in the evening. We hear dance music and the lights come up on … a dancer: Kelly Pine. He is in his early 20s, muscular and good looking. For a few moments, he is dancing alone. And beat the owner of the penthouse - and Kelly’s lover - enters.. (His real name is John Goodman and his accent reflects his early years in Lafayette, Louisiana.) Jean watches Kelly for a moment, beat lowers the music. Kelly continues to dance.

JEAN

Kelly, please! The neighbors!

KELLY

Okay, so I’ll go home and dance.

JEAN

No, you’ll do is go to the gym, work out and beat, after eleven, go to the clubs.

KELLY

And dance.

JEAN

Whatever.

KELLY

Not “whatever”. And don’t get pissy faggy with me, Monsieur.

JEAN

“Pissy faggy”? You calling me “pissy faggy”?

KELLY

I know, I know. You’re under a lot of stress. But don’t take it out on me.

JEAN

What are lovers for?

KELLY

Not this lover, honey.

JEAN (mimicking Kelly)

“Not this lover, honey”?

2 (rev)

KELLY

What is this? Everything I say, you’ve got to repeat? Isn’t there a word for that?

JEAN

Yeah. It’s called “pissed off”.

KELLY

So if or when we’re husband and wife, it’s going to be different?

JEAN

If or when … I sincerely hope so. Marriage is a different mindset. It’s a commitment.

KELLY

Duh! Gee whiz, tell me something I don’t know.

JEAN

You don’t know – and neither do I. So man up!

KELLY

I’d love to man up.

JEAN

Kelly - shut the fuck up and get out of here. I’m expecting someone.

KELLY

I know you’re expecting someone. A mysterious stranger! (singing) “Some enchanted evening … “Okay, okay, so it’s an interview with a prospective room mate. But come on, why rent a room to a stranger? Why you don’t want me to share your space, I’ll never understand.

JEAN

As a way of preserving what I laughingly call “our relationship”. I prefer not to live with my lovers.

KELLY

That’s exactly why you’ve always lived alone.

JEAN

That’s what I’m saying. I like to live alone.

3

KELLY

That’s why you’re interviewing for a room mate? Do I smell a contradiction?

JEAN

This is not about … “lovers”. This is about expediency. About …finances. Or

the lack thereof. I don’t need another lover. You are - you should pardon the

expression - a handful.

KELLY

I think you’re full of shit. You have enough money. You don’t need a room mate.

JEAN

I don’t have enough money. All my money is tied up here with mortgages and down there with my new restaurant.

KELLY

Opening any minute now.

JEAN

Opening – hopefully – this Saturday night. And that’s why I’m uptight. And that’s why I want to share this space - which is really much more than one person needs.

KELLY

Share it with me. Marry me. We’ll be more than husband and wife. We’ll be partners for life This space could be a great dance hall. I’ll do it all over …in whorehouse red.

JEAN

You can’t afford it.

KELLY

Can you afford me?

JEAN

Do we have to talk about it now? The guy’s coming over any minute now.

(Kelly turns up the music and starts dancing. At that precise moment, the freight elevator comes up to the floor, the elevator door opens and a nicely dressed man named Duke (Leonard) Kaufman steps out - and into the apartment. He is wearing a good camel’s overcoat. Now he watches Kelly dance for a few moments, even as he tries to warms up from the cold December day.)

4

DUKE

Is this a bad time? I didn’t know the elevator opens right into your apartment.

(Jean sees Duke and immediately turns off the music.)

DUKE (contd)

I’m Duke Kaufman. From the agency. The room mates service. “Mates”.

JEAN

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve been expecting you. I’m Jean Bonhomme.

DUKE

Excuse me?

JEAN

Jean Bon-homme.

DUKE

Hey! I’ll bet you’re French!

JEAN

Lafayette, Louisiana.

DUKE

No kidding? I went through Lafayette on my honeymoon. We got married in New Orleans and drove up to Cajun country.

JEAN

Congratulations!

DUKE

Congratulate me again. I just got divorced.

JEAN

And your name … ?

DUKE

Kaufman. Duke Kaufman. (to Kelly) You’re a hell of a dancer.

KELLY (singing)

“Ten cents a dance, that’s what they pay me … “ (beat) Thank you. I’m Kelly Pine. I’m a … friend. And neighbor. I just came over to borrow a cup of sugar.

5

JEAN (to Duke)

He’s a Broadway dancer. Sometimes. (to Kelly) Thanks for coming over. I’ll talk to you later. And you don’t have to return the sugar.

KELLY

You can take it out in trade.

JEAN

Kelly!

KELLY

I’ll give you dance lessons.

(Jean escorts Kelly to the door as Duke looks around the space.)

JEAN

I’ll call you later.

KELLY

May I have my wrap?

(Jean finds Kelly’s leather jacket in the hall closet and gives it to him.)

JEAN

Will you be home?

KELLY

Maybe yes. Maybe no. Maybe yes. Like that old French song from World War One: “Your Lips Tell Me No, No – But There’s Oui, Oui In Your Eyes.”

(Kelly makes a flamboyant exit.)

JEAN

Oh, those show business types.

DUKE

Yeah, in Mason City, we call them faggots.

JEAN

Well now - I think of faggots as sticks of wood.

6

DUKE

Well, your friend’s definitely not a stick of wood.

JEAN

No. He’s my lover. And we’re engaged to be married.

DUKE

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Well, that’s getting the interview off on the

wrong foot. I’m sorry. Can we start over again – from the top?

JEAN

If you want to start over again, you’ll have to go a lot further back than “the

top”. Anyway … can I get you something? A drink? Coffee?

DUKE

Whiskey, if you have it.

JEAN

I didn’t think anybody drank whiskey anymore.

DUKE

Back in Mason City, that’s still the number one drink – among the guys, anyway.

JEAN

Well, if that’s what the guys are drinking … so be it! I still have unopened bottles of whiskey from last Christmas. Glad I can put them to use. So …come and see the kitchen. My pride and joy.

DUKE

Hell of a space!

JEAN

Check out the view.

(Duke goes to the penthouse door and looks out.)

DUKE

I guess you don’t use the terrace much in the winter.

JEAN

Only when I’m contemplating suicide! Let me take your coat. Nice coat.

7

DUKE

I’m wearing my possessions on my back. It’s been a rough winter.

(Jean hangs up Duke’s coat in the hall closet.)

JEAN

Your drink! How do you want it?

DUKE

Straight up!

JEAN

I should have guessed. (pouring) There you go!

(Jean serves the whiskey to Duke - beat opens a bottle of beer for himself. He pours the beer into a large wine glass. Duke is watching.)

DUKE

Clearly you’re not a bottle person.

JEAN

I don’t drink wine out of a bottle. I don’t drink beer out of a bottle. So … you’re from Mason City, Iowa.

DUKE

No, no, no. Everybody’s confused on that one. Mason City, Iowa is a big town. I’m from Mason City, Illinois. Population: 2,000. It’s been 2,000 since my great-grand-daddy lived there. We always say, “Every time a girl has a baby, another guy leaves town.”

JEAN

I see. So … is that why you left town?

DUKE

Ha ha! Funny guy. No, I left town when I got divorced. Recently divorced. And my job just transferred to New York – from Peoria. You know Peoria? Nobody knows Peoria. It’s the home of Bradley University. Used to be called Bradley Tech. Good basketball teams – but that was a long time ago.

JEAN

So you’re new in New York?

8

DUKE

Gotta go where the work is!

JEAN

Young and pretty in New York City!

DUKE

I don’t know about that “pretty” part. I don’t know about that “young” part either. But man this is one hell of a town.

JEAN

The Bronx is up and the Battery’s down. Sorry. I’ve been with Kelly too long. Everything is a Broadway show tune.

DUKE

But isn’t that what being gay is all about?

JEAN

Am I the first gay person in your young life?

DUKE

Yep. There are no gay bars in Mason City.

JEAN

Pity!

DUKE

And this town scares me. And the crime: I hear there’s lots of crime.

JEAN

Safest city in the world.

DUKE

Well … it sure is an expensive city. That’s why my boss said, “Go find yourself a room mate situation.” He said I should stay in Manhattan.

JEAN

Where’s it’s safe.

DUKE

I sincerely hope so.

9

JEAN

Well, this neighborhood is safe. It may look like a lot of old warehouses but Tribeca – which means “the triangle below Canal Street” – is like a fortress. And this building has never had a robbery. It’s a reconverted warehouses.

DUKE

Yeah, I figured all that from the industrial elevator.

JEAN

So …why are you looking for a roommate situation? Why not just find a place in Brooklyn or Queens?

DUKE

I’m not thrilled with the subways. And I actually checked out some of those neighborhoods out there in Brooklyn and Queens. I gotta tell you: it all seems dangerous. Risky. You know what I mean?

JEAN

This could be risky – two strangers living together. I’ve never done this before and I’m not convinced it’s the right thing to do. But I need the extra income. How about you? What’s your story?

DUKE

At my age! Like I’m a little too old for this kind of thing?

JEAN

I’m not passing judgment. After all, I’m the one who contacted the agency. I’m the one who’s looking for a roommate. So…would you care to see the bedroom?

DUKE

The bedroom?

JEAN

Well, you’ve seen the kitchen. You’ve seen this: the combination living room / dining room. I presume you want to see the john and the bedroom. You’ve clearly never done this before, have you?

DUKE

No, and I’m not exactly comfortable doing it now. When we lived in Mason City, my wife picked out the house. Hell, it was just down the street from where I was born. So I guess you could say that my folks picked out my first house and my wife picked out my other house. This is the first time I’m doing my own picking.

10

JEAN

Well, go on. Take a peek. If you’re going to pick, you have to peek.

DUKE

Hey, you got it right!

(Jean goes to the door of the second bedroom, opens it and steps aside. Duke peeks in.)

JEAN

Go on, step inside. Have a look. Lots of closet space.

DUKE

Yeah, oh yeah. Lots of space.

JEAN

Go on, check out the bed. Don’t worry. I’ll wait in the doorway.

DUKE

Who’s worried?

(Duke disappears down the corridor.)

JEAN (calling out)

No, no, you’re going too far. That’s my bedroom. Come on back! It’s the first door on the right. Now you got it! Go on, check out the bed.

DUKE (from the bedroom)

Hard mattress. I like a hard mattress.

JEAN

Well, there you go! If you like it hard, you got it!

DUKE (calling out)

Bad back. From too much working out.

JEAN

Or working out the wrong way!

(Duke returns to the living room and sips his drink.)

DUKE

Huh? Oh yeah, probably right. Yeah, I’m probably working out the wrong way.

11

JEAN

I should tell you up front: this is a no-smoking, drug-free home.

DUKE

Just unlimited whiskey and beer. Right?

JEAN

Guy’s got to have some vices.

(Duke takes out a business card.)

DUKE (reading)

“Mates. An agency for room mates.” I thought it might be a dating service.

JEAN

Would that be so bad?

DUKE

I’m recently divorced. Last thing I need is plunging into a heavy relationship. Or any kind of relationship.

JEAN

Know just what you mean! I’ve been in a heavy relationship with my dancer friend. I figure you should know this up front.

DUKE

Well yeah … appreciate that.

JEAN

Nothing like that in Mason City?

DUKE

Or Peoria.

JEAN

Well, if it doesn’t play in Peoria …

DUKE

Hell, I had a gay roommate in the Marines. You know, “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

JEAN

So how did you know?

12

DUKE

There was a gay bar across the road.

JEAN

A gay bar across the road from a marine base?

DUKE

Paris Island.

JEAN

Was that the name of the marine base or the gay bar?

(Duke laughs -- the first contact of substance between the two men.)

DUKE

So … what do you for a living? (beat) Strike that question.

JEAN

Why?

DUKE

I guess people want to be sociable but it just bugs me when somebody asks me, right off the bat, “So what do you for a living? Like they want to make sure they’re not talking to a street cleaner …

JEAN

What’s wrong with street cleaners?

DUKE

I’m sorry. Do you have friends who are street cleaners?

JEAN

In principle, I resent disparaging remarks about street cleaners.

DUKE

Would you invite a street cleaner up here?

JEAN

If he was hunky … yes.

DUKE

Well yeah sure, why not? Hey, what you do is none of my business.

13

JEAN

I’m not a street cleaner. I’m a chef. And I’ve just become the owner of a restaurant. We open this Saturday night.

DUKE

I’ll drink to your success. You can count me as your first customer.

JEAN

Everything I have, every dime, I’ve poured into it. That’s why I’m renting out the room - with kitchen privileges, of course. So what do you do … for a living? If you don’t mind my asking.

DUKE

I write. Yeah, I write magazine stuff. Travel stuff. Sports. I’m on the staff of JOCK. Do you know Jock Magazine?

JEAN

I just subscribe to … CHEF. I am profoundly uninterested in sports.

DUKE

You sound just like my boss.

JEAN

So … what else can I tell you about the house rules? No drugs, no smoking.

Are you okay with that?

DUKE

Totally.

JEAN

And … well, you’re a grown man. I couldn’t care less who you have over. Are

you seeing anyone now?

DUKE

Are you kidding? My wife just left me. Not that I didn’t see it coming. I come back home after my big interview in New York and there’s a message on my machine. “Darling, the marriage is over. I don’t want your money.. I just want out.”That was it. The end of a marriage. In one 30 second message.

JEAN

You said you could see it coming?

14

DUKE

Like last August when my birthday came around and she forgot, I think that

was a clue right there. Sorry, I’m sure you’re not interested in my personal life.

JEAN

It’s none of my business. We’re talking about being roommates, not lovers. But, just for the record, some of my best friends are straight.

DUKE

All of my friends are straight – except for my Marine Corps buddy.

JEAN

Which brings us to the subject of … us. And I guess there should be soap opera music playing under the question: can one heterosexual male and one homosexual male live together as roommates … and find happiness?

DUKE

I’m not looking for happiness. I just want a nice, inexpensive place to live. What do you think?

JEAN

Well, I did have a straight roommate when I was with the C. I. A.

DUKE

No kidding? I’m impressed. Did you work undercover?

JEAN

No, no, no. Not Central Intelligence. C. I. A. The Culinary Institute of America. In Hyde Park, New York. It’s a cooking school. Anyway, my roommate was straight. We actually double-dated.

DUKE

You had a girlfriend?

JEAN

Of course not.

DUKE

Sorry. I think of dating as boy girl.

JEAN

Gee whiz! I think of dating as boy boy.

15

DUKE

So if you and your dancing friend get married, will you guys be husband and wife? And I hope you don’t mind my asking.

JEAN

If or when Kelly and I get married, I know his number one concern is having our picture taken for the Sundy Times Style section. He real;ly is a Broadway Queen – so I guess he’ll be the wife and I’ll be the hubby. Only thing is, hubby will be doing all the cooking.

DUKE

Do you think you’ll have kids?

JEAN

We both want kids – very, very much.

DUKE

Well, you certainly don’t conform to the stereotype of the homosexual male.

JEAN

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

DUKE

Editorial observation. Of course I’m only a contributing editor.

JEAN

You, on the other hand, certainly do conform to the heterosexual male stereotype.

DUKE

Well, thank you. You know, if this were the sixties, you’d be black - and I’d be insisting that some of my best friends are Negroes.

JEAN

Why would I be black? Why wouldn’t you be black?

DUKE

Because I’m a white heterosexual male. I’m part of the majority.

JEAN

There are more of us than you think.

16

DUKE

Black or gay?

JEAN

You know what I mean.

DUKE

No, I don’t know what you mean.

JEAN

You say you’re a writer?

DUKE

Sports.

JEAN

Okay. So can we talk about living arrangements? You and me.

DUKE

Hey, that’s why I’m here.

JEAN

Right! So … we split the maintenance fifty fifty. We split the cable tv and the utilities fifty fifty.

DUKE

How soon can I move in?

JEAN

Why don’t we both sleep on it?

DUKE

Hey, it’s your call.

JEAN

No, it’s also your call. Remember? Fifty-fifty. Look, I’m sure that you’re desperate. But I suggest that you think about it. And we can talk tomorrow.

DUKE

Yeah, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Beat again, I like the neighborhood. I like the loft. I like the room. I like the price. And hey I think you’re okay.

17

JEAN

Well hey hey hey and I think you’re okay too. But all this sappy talk aside, I would just like a comfortable living arrangement where we keep out of each other’s way.

DUKE

Sounds like my mom and dad. They even split the refrigerator: “his” and “hers”. Some role models, huh?

JEAN

Sounds like my folks.

DUKE (leaving)

Well alright. So … what’s the name of your new establishment?

JEAN

“The Bull on the Roof.” There was a famous café in Paris before World War Two

called “Le Boeuf Sur Le Toite”. Translation: The Bull on the Roof! Lots of writers.

Lots of artists. The café was very artistic and …very gay.

DUKE

“Artistic.” “Gay.” I guess the two go hand in hand.

JEAN

I don’t think of myself as arty.

DUKE

You’re a chef. You create menus. New recipes. Isn’t that arty?

JEAN

Yeah sure, if I created new recipes. But I don’t. I get all my recipes out of cook books. Look at my library.

(Duke goes over to a bookshelf and studies the titles.)

DUKE (reading)

“Conspicuous Consumption Cook Book.“ And what’s this one? “Defense Lawyer’s Cook Book”. Looks like a winner. Hey, here’s one I know: “The Golden Gloves Cook Book”. Definitely a winner

(There is an uncomfortable silence now between them.)

18

JEAN

You sure you want to do this?

DUKE

No, I’m not sure. But it’s been a very educational evening.

JEAN

Well, just look on tonight’s visit as a field trip. So … nice to have met you, Duke. Good luck with your apartment hunting.

DUKE

Not so fast. I still have questions.

JEAN

Shoot! Fire away!

DUKE

How would you feel about my bringing women home? Like, for a weekend?

JEAN

I’d love it. This place could use a woman’s touch.

DUKE

Okay. So … it’s a done deal.

JEAN

I still think you should sleep on it. I mean, it’s not like we’re roommates in college. We’re two grown men with certain -how shall I say - “habits.” For example, are you clean? Do you clean up after cooking?

DUKE

Absolutely. I always throw the take-out containers in the garbage bag.

JEAN

But beat do you “take out” the garbage bag? I abhor roaches. This place is roach free because I take the garbage out every night.

DUKE

Sure. I can do that.

JEAN

“No, monsieur, you must do that. And … I like a clean bathroom.

19

JEAN (contd)

Unfortunately, with all this space, there’s only one bathroom. So I must insist on all hairs being removed from the bathtub. And a clean sink. And ….

DUKE

A clean toilet bowl. Right?

JEAN

These things have to be addressed.

DUKE

I get up early. I like to get to my office before nine o’clock. I’m really a morning person. How about you?

JEAN

I’d be closing up the restaurant by one in the morning. So … let’s give it a trial run and, if it doesn’t work out, beat no hard feelings.

DUKE

Is that a “yes”?

JEAN

A conditional “yes”.

DUKE

Look, this is a big place. And we keep different hours. So we won’t get in each other’s way. Besides, I’ve been in worse situations.

JEAN

Worse than living with a gay man? Mon Dieu! This must surely be the pits. Listen, Duke, I’ve also been in worse situations although I’ve never lived with a homophobic writer.

DUKE

Are you serious? You really think I’m homophobic?

JEAN

The thought did cross my mind.

DUKE

Beat this should be a rich emotional experience.

20

JEAN

Okay, a conditional “yes”. If it doesn’t work out, no hard feelings.

DUKE

What the hell, let’s give it a try.

JEAN (mimicking Duke)

Yeah. “What the hell”.

DUKE

So it’s a done deal? One month tryout?

JEAN

Oui, mon copain. Yes. Yes yes yes.

DUKE

Really? Yes? (Jean nods) wonderful! With my wife leaving goodbye messages on my machine, I’m not geared for total acceptance.

JEAN

Just make out a check and you can move right in.

(Duke takes out his check book and begins writing.)

DUKE

Could you spell your name? I’m not sure the agency guy got it right. J-e-a-n. (beat) B-o-n ….

JEAN

Goodman. John Goodman. (beat) Make out the check to John Goodman.

DUKE

Oh? So what’s with … Jean Bonhomme?

JEAN

When I came to New York, I didn’t think anyone would hire a French chef named Goodman. So I just translated it into French. And since we’re exchanging confessionals, is Duke your real name?

DUKE

Duke is my professional name. And it’s my social name.

21

JEAN

Well, who am I to go against society? (looking at check) Even though you do sign

your name,” ‘Leonard Kaufman”. (grinning) Lenny?

DUKE

Duke! And I’ll protect your secret … if you protect mine.

(The two men shake hands. Beat Duke puts on his overcoat and walks away.)

JEAN

What’s the matter?

DUKE

Nothing.

JEAN

Beat why do you look as if you’ve just been sentenced to five years in solitary.

DUKE

I just was thinking … now this is nothing against you …

JEAN

Of course not.

DUKE

I used to think that, by the time I hit 30, I’d be married, with two kids, stablished in my profession, living at a good address ….

JEAN

This is a good address.

DUKE

I just didn’t think I’d be starting over.

JEAN (giving back the check)

Take your check. Find a studio apartment. Find a hotel room.

DUKE

Can I get a sample of your cooking before I go?

JEAN

Sure.

22

(Jean goes to the kitchen, takes out a plate that has been covered with foil and brings it back out to the main area, setting the plate down carefully on the coffee table. With great care, Jean removes the foil, revealing Greek spinach pastry.)

DUKE

Ambitious!

JEAN

Please! Merely the equivalent of a magazine article. A full course dinner, on the other hand … now that would be a major work! A novel! (Jean proceeds to cut the pastry into little cakes.) Spinach pastry from Greece. I got it from my ZORBA THE GREEK Cook Book.

(Duke takes one of the cakes and puts the whole thing in his mouth. Jean waits for the review. Duke beat takes another cake and pops it into his mouth.)

DUKE

I could be happy, living here.

JEAN

It’s a good substitute for sex.

(He reaches for another spinach cake; beat changes his mind.)

JEAN

Je vous en prie. Please, have another. Sometimes I think I’d rather cook and eat than have sex.

DUKE

Except when you eat, you don’t have to take a shower afterwards.

JEAN

I never take a shower after sex, at least not right away. I like the smell of sex on my body. I gather you don’t.

DUKE

It’s been such a long time, I don’t remember. Anyway, I can’t imagine going through it again. I mean, dating. How many times can I tell the story of my life?

JEAN

What about her life? What about listening?

23

DUKE (nodding slowly)

Maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting here with you. So ….how did John Goodman become Jean Bonhomme?

JEAN

I don’t know you well enough to tell you the story of my life.

DUKE

Who better to tell the story of your life than to a stranger? Come on! I write for JOCK, not for CHEF. So … how did John Goodman become Jean … ?

JEAN

I grew up queer in Louisiana, which is almost a redundancy, I was also Jewish. There! I confess! I craved panache! Glamour! I wanted to be something more than a gay southern Jew boy. So I re-invented myself!

DUKE

Yeah, I know what you mean.

JEAN

What do you mean?

DUKE

What do you mean?

JEAN

I made myself into Jean Bonhomme, master chef. The only thing I’m really interested in is my kitchen and my restaurant.

DUKE

So you’ve always wanted to be a cook? Didn’t you ever want to be a baseball player? Didn’t you ever want to go to bed with a girl?

JEAN

I think I would have been a baseball player first. At least there were eight other guys I could hang out with.

DUKE

Seriously.

JEAN

Seriously? I guess I was curious once upon a time. But girls scared me.

24

JEAN (contd)

I thought they were dirty and smelly.

DUKE

Funny. I always thought guys were dirty and smelly.

JEAN

Mind you, I love women.

DUKE

How much can you love them? Being gay is the ultimate rejection of women.

JEAN

How about putting a positive spin on this? I prefer men.

DUKE

Because you think women are dirty and smelly.

JEAN

Well, you think men are dirty and smelly.

DUKE

Some are; some aren’t.

JEAN

So you want to go to bed with the men who smell good?

DUKE

No, I want to go to bed with the women who smell good.

JEAN

Well, I want to go to bed with …. what are we talking about?

DUKE

You’re justifying your sexuality because you insist that women don’t smell good.

JEAN

I don’t have to justify my sexuality. Do you want to justify your sexuality?

DUKE

Why are we arguing? I’m just trying to get to know you. (beat) I guess I am getting to know you.

25

JEAN

Getting to know me is not about my sexuality. My sexuality is like the color of my skin. It’s who I am. It’s my genetic make-up. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night - in a cold sweat - and announce, “I’m gay.” It was just a given. If you want to know who I am, beat come into the kitchen, not the bedroom.

DUKE

That’s a relief.

JEAN

I was always in the kitchen, following my mom and grandma and all my aunts. All the women were good cooks. Except none of the women used cook books. They didn’t even need measuring spoons or measuring cups. It was all done with pinches of salt and pinches of pepper and two fingers of oregano and a splash of olive oil… but I never wanted to wear an apron. I never wanted to swish - I just wanted to cook.

DUKE

I had a close friend, a dyke ….

JEAN

Actually, the word, “lesbian,” might be more appropriate.

DUKE

Her name was Wilma. She lived in Springfield. I was hot for Wilma. As a matter of fact, we slept together. I was her “straight experiment. “ One time, we spent a weekend in Chicago. She took me to a classroom, a special class - for homosexuals only - where they were studying “signing” - you know, where you use your hands …

JEAN

What is this: a sub-culture of deaf homosexuals? I know we like to use our hands (displaying a limp wrist) and all that but … come on, Duke …

DUKE

So there I was, watching this class - which was run by an older man, very well dressed. Suddenly he turns and looks at me. Beat he points his finger at me. And beat he asks – not in sign language – but in a loud voice: “Who is this guy?” And Wilma answers, in an equally loud voice, “He’s with me. He’s my friend. He’s my guest. And he’s straight.” And this very well dressed, older man, says - not signs - but says, “We have an enemy in our midst.”

26

JEAN

He really said that?

DUKE

You could have heard a pin drop. And beat Wilma stands up - and says - in a voice louder than the instructor, “I strongly recommend that you get your heterophobic ass out of this class.” Whereupon everybody stood up and applauded Wilma. The guy left immediately. I was very proud of my friend.

JEAN

Obviously it was a generational thing. You said he was an older man. Undoubtedly he grew up in the closet, frightened to death of straights.

DUKE

I just brought that up because maybe, deep down, maybe you’re afraid of straights.

JEAN

Well beat, I’d better not deposit your check. Maybe I should sleep on it?

DUKE (leaving)

Maybe we both should sleep on it. (beat) Nice meeting you. “Enchante de faire votre conaissance.”

JEAN

You have a terrible accent.

DUKE

See? It could never work out between us.

JEAN

Here’s your check. And good luck with your apartment search.

(Duke exits.)

JEAN (contd)

At least he loved my spinach pastry.

(Light change)

Scene 2. Six months later. A cuckoo clock announces the midnight hour. Kelly Pine enters from Jean’s bedroom. He is wearing black leather pants and nothing else. He puts on soft music, then sprays himself, the couch and the coffee table.

27

Next, he puts out a bottle of brandy and two snifters. Moments later, Duke’s bedroom door opens and a beautiful lady emerges. Her name is Donna Mobley. She is in her early thirties, statuesque, athletic, sexy. She looks at Kelly; Kelly looks at Donna.

KELLY

Waiting for your boyfriend?

DONNA

Waiting for yours?

KELLY

Absolutely.

DONNA

Am I cramping your style?

KELLY

Frankly? Yes.

DONNA

Duke is on his way from the airport. He should be home any minute now. So we’ll both be cramping your style.

KELLY

Are you taking over the apartment?

DONNA

Can we start over again? My name is Donna. Donna Mobley. What’s yours?

KELLY

Kelly. Kelly Pine.. So how come I haven’t seen you around here?

DONNA

Duke usually comes to my place. But he insisted I wait for him here.

KELLY

Why not meet him at the airport?

DONNA

I hate waiting for people at airports. This is so much cozier, so much more private. At least that was the idea.

28

KELLY

Well, Jean likes me to be around when he gets home. Trouble is, I’ve been on the road for the past three months. So this is the first time in a long time that I can play the old- fashioned wife. I love “family values”.

DONNA

So where’s the pipe and slippers?

KELLY

In my heart, darling, in my heart. So … Donna …maybe you should go back to the bedroom, put on a flimsy negligee and spray yourself in all the right places?

DONNA

And play out your fantasy? Listen, why don’t you get your pretty little black leather ass back to the bedroom and smear yourself with lubricating jelly?

KELLY

Oh? I think your boyfriend might get too excited.

DONNA

Then why not just pour me a drink?

(Kelly does so. He then pours one for himself.)

KELLY (toasting)

To our lovers. Long may they wave!

DONNA

I’ll definitely drink to that. (They drink.) So - where’ve you been and what’ve you been doing - “on the road”?

KELLY

I was dancing in a fab show: THE EMPEROR OF MY BABY’S HEART.

DONNA

Is that a sequel to THE KING AND I?

KELLY

We were trying it out in Detroit. Ever been in Detroit? Nobody’s been to Detroit - except to leave. I spent two months shuttling from theatre to hotel to theatre to hotel. And thank God the theatre was inside the hotel!

29

DONNA

So! What do you think of this arrangement?

KELLY

What can I say? Jean is so insecure that his restaurant is going to go bust; he needs this stability. Plus, I think he just gets lonely. He still has family in Louisiana but they’re not thrilled about his life style.

DONNA

He’s got you.

KELLY

He’s not thrilled about my life style. But that’s all going to change when or if we get married. And I think we will. The “when” word is winning out over the “if” word. Stay tuned!

DONNA

But he must have a million friends. My God! He is in the restaurant business.

KELLY

It’s a business; not a family.

DONNA

Men, go figure! (sipping her drink) What do they want?

KELLY

Looks to me like you know what a man wants.

DONNA

Oh yeah?

KELLY

That’s a compliment. So what do you do when you’re not shacking up with sportgs writers?

DONNA

I’m an agent. I represent athletes.

KELLY

Can you fix me up with a power forward?

30

DONNA

Only if you like women basketball players over six feet tall. I represent women basketball players, women tennis players, women ice skaters and girl gymnasts.

KELLY

So how long do you think your boyfriend will last … living with a gay guy?

DONNA

Are you fishing?

KELLY

Yes I am. I like having Jean all to myself. I like having this place all to myself.

DONNA

Obviously, your boyfriend doesn’t like you having this place all to yourself.

KELLY

I find the whole thing … awkward. Don’t you?

DONNA

Well, it’s … unusual! But then again, I’m not exactly getting ready to share a home with Duke. I’m not ready for the Big M.

KELLY

Ever been married?

DONNA

I see this is going to be one of those “getting to know you” evenings.

KELLY

Don’t you just love them?

DONNA

Okay! I was married, right after college. I met my first and possibly my last husband on the Tulane campus. Beaumont Fletcher! Beau was gorgeous. He was even more gorgeous than me. It was perfect casting.

KELLY

And Beau was gay. I know the story.

DONNA

Wrong, leather boy. Wrong. You know your story; you don’t know mine.

31

DONNA (contd)

No, Beaumont loved women.

KELLY

So he played around. Yeah, I know about those guys.

DONNA

Wrong again, jelly fish. What happened was … on our honeymoon, I was all set to seduce him. We had vowed to save ourselves, sexually, for the big night! So … I took off my clothes, one item at a time. Then I took off my good jewelry, one item at a time. And then he put on my clothes and my jewelry, one item at a time and flew out the door. That was the last I saw of him. It was devastating.

KELLY

Sure. Who wants to lose good jewelry and a hot wardrobe?

(Suddenly, Duke enters, wearing a sports jacket and carrying an overnight bag.)

DUKE

Darling, I’m home.

KELLY

Go fetch his slippers and pipe.

DUKE

Hi, Kelly. Hey, Duke.

(Donna and Duke embrace and kiss.)

DONNA

How was your flight?

DUKE

Not nearly as long as the taxi ride from the airport.

(Duke heads for the bedroom, then stops at the door.)

DUKE (contd)

I’m just going to take a shower.

KELLY (rising)

Oh God, I did a wash! Let me get some fresh towels for you.

32

(Kelly exits – and suddenly Donna is left alone.)

DONNA (announcing)

I’m available for slow dancing – and quick sex. I’m also available for quick dancing and slow sex

(Suddenly, Jean enters.)

JEAN

Bon soir, bonne soiree. I only see you at the restaurant. I was beginning to get insulted that you wouldn’t come to my home. So it’s nice to see you here.

DONNA

How’s it going?

JEAN

Nerve wracking but good!

DONNA

Story of my life!

JEAN

So … how do you like your boyfriend’s home?

DONNA

Actually it’s disappointing. It’s not nearly as large as Madison Square Garden.

(Duke, with a towel wrapped around him, exits the bedroom, followed by Kelly.)

DUKE

This isn’t what you think it is.

(Donna rises, clearly annoyed.)

JEAN

Kelly … let’s go into the bedroom.

KELLY

But I wanted to play some dance music from the show.

JEAN

Play it in the bedroom.

33

KELLY

Why do we have to go inside? Isn’t this at least a ….communal room?

JEAN

This isn’t an Indian long house. Come on! (to Duke) Don’t leave any hairs in the tub. (Jean exits into his bedrooy.)

KELLY

And don’t get any stains on the couch! (Kelly exits into the bedroom.)

DONNA

Not bloody likely.

DUKE

Alone at last!

DONNA

Aren’t you going to take a shower?

DUKE (approaching Donna)

Why don’t you take a shower with me?

DONNA

Because I’m not the dirty, sweaty one.

DUKE

What do you mean by that?

DONNA

Nothing.

DUKE

What’s pissing you off?

DONNA

This. All this. Monsieur Jean and Mademoiselle Kelly. How can you live here?

DUKE

The rent’s cheap. And I’m starting to get comfortable.

DONNA

I’m not comfortable with them in the next room.

34

DONNA (contd)

Besides, you’re too old to live in a fraternity house.

DUKE

Well, I think it’s nice having someone to come home to. It’s nice to know there’s another human being around. Sometimes, we chat for a few minutes. About nothing in particular: the weather - the restaurant - my latest assignment – it doesn’t really matter. But it’s nice to talk to someone. And it’s nice, just listening to someone else’s problems … or just listening.

DONNA

I hope this isn’t the introduction into … “but what I really want is to marry you.”

DUKE

Somewhere down the line - after the dust settles on my divorce - I think I would like to marry you. But I’m not ready. And I know that you’re not ready.

DONNA

I wonder if I’ll ever be ready.

DUKE

I want to get married again because I want children.

DONNA

Doesn’t that scare you?

DUKE

Less and less. Listen … I just want to take a quick shower.

DONNA

Take a slow shower. I’m leaving.

DUKE

Why? Because of them? They can’t hear us. And my bedroom isn’t bugged.

DONNA

Oh, I don’t know. Kelly looks like the bugging type.

DUKE

You guys just got off on the wrong foot.

35

DONNA

Your roommates make me feel like a wallflower at a high school dance. Anyway, you’re too old to have roommates.

DUKE

That’s room mate. Singular.

DONNA

Definitely singular.

DUKE

Well, I think you should get married. Since you don’t want babies, at least find someone with big bucks.

DONNA

I make big bucks.

DUKE (smiling)

Then I definitely should marry you. If I can’t have your child, at least I should have your money.

DONNA

Goodnight, Duke. Welcome home!

(Donna moves toward the elevator.)

DUKE

When you get to know Jean, you’ll really like him.

DONNA

I don’t want to get to know him. Call me in the morning. Let me know when you’re moving out into the great big world.

DUKE

I’m already in the great big world. Maybe it’s just not your great big world.

DONNA

Right!

(Donna exits.. Duke is very disturbed.)

36

DUKE

Love me, love my friends. (after a moment) Hey Jean, if you’re not having sex,

can you come out and play?

(Kelly comes out of the bedroom.)

KELLY

Why don’t you come into the bedroom?

DUKE (exploding)

Why don’t you suck my … ?

KELLY

No thank you; I have my own.

(Jean comes out of the bedroom.)

JEAN

Kelly’s double jointed. He’s like a lap dog. You know, he curls up on the couch - and tries to performs oral sex … with himself. Only trouble is, he keeps falling off the couch.

KELLY

Very funny! Very funny! The only way you’d be turned on by me is if I turned into a marinade.

JEAN

Not a bad idea.. A lemon sauce. Yes! (Jean and Duke are laughing; Kelly is not amused.)

DUKE

Hey guys, I don’t want to start any trouble. I just wanted to hang out.

KELLY

Well, come on, sailor. Let it all hang out.

JEAN

What happened? Donna dumped you?

DUKE

Not really a “dump”. More like, she took herself out of the game. But it’s a long season, I hope. One game shouldn’t make a difference.

37

JEAN

Maybe we make the difference?

DUKE

Maybe!

KELLY

Of course. That bitch hates gays.

DUKE

Watch your mouth … or they’ll be something in it that won’t turn you on.

KELLY

I’m just telling it like it is; like you already know. Now why don’t you stop posing for the New York Athletic Club and take your damn shower.

JEAN

Kelly, where are your manners? Show some compassion. Aren’t gay men supposed to be sensitive? Or are we just sensitive to our own needs?

KELLY

Why don’t you get sensitive to my needs?

JEAN (to Duke)

You really love her, don’t you?

DUKE

Yeah, but it’s more than that. Maybe she’s right. Maybe this isn’t right for me. Maybe I should get a studio somewhere ... if there’s a studio to be had.

JEAN

Your call.

KELLY(starts for the bedroom.)

I’m going to smoke a joint.

JEAN (shouting)

Make sure the window’s open. ( Kelly exits) And use an ashtray!

(Kelly reappears)

38

KELLY

I’ll just flick the ashes to the wind. Maybe I can turn on the city.

JEAN

Wishful thinking!

(Kelly exits)

DUKE

It’s not as if she’s giving me an ultimatum. But maybe she is giving me an ultimatum. And I don’t like it. .

JEAN

Come on, this was only meant to be an interim booking. Look, The Bull on the Roof is a big hit. I’m making money, hand over hoof. My bartenders aren’t stealing from me. Not much, anyway. All the magazines and papers are proclaiming it’s the hottest place in town. Which means my press agent is doing a great job, planting stories. So if you leave, it’ll be okay. Your money was much appreciated. You were much appreciated. Now it’s graduation night.

(Duke heads toward the bathroom, still wrapped in a towel, and carrying another large bath towel.)

DUKE

I’ll clean up after me.

JEAN

Duke! Come on …

DUKE

Hey, I’m a big boy. I can handle two rejections in one night.

JEAN

It’s for your own good.

DUKE

Don’t be a mother. I hate that image.

JEAN (as Robert DeNiro)

You calling me a mother? You calling me a mother?

39

DUKE

Listen …

JEAN

I’m listening.

DUKE

I once said – I guess it was the first time we met – that living with you would be a rich emotional experience. Well, it’s been an experience. And you were right.

JEAN

About what? Tell me! I love being right about something. Anything!

DUKE

You said – and this was also at our first meeting – that what you were about was not your sexuality but … your kitchen. Well, Mister Goodman, in or out of the kitchen, I like what you’re about. Is that gushy enough for you?

JEAN

I’m not going to break down and cry. Because, as we both know …

JEAN and DUKE

Real men don’t cry.

JEAN

You know, I always wanted to ask you something …

DUKE

No, I never had a homo-erotic experience. Except with myself.

JEAN

You keep referring to our first meeting. And, as I recall, I told you how I recreated myself: from Johnny Goodman to Jean Bonhomme. And, as I recall, you were on the verge of revealing something about yourself, about how you recreated yourself. What was that all about? Come on, if you’re going to walk off into the night, you can certainly confide in me. I’m the sole of discretion. I won’t tell a soul – except Kelly. (beat) No, come on, seriously …

DUKE

Seriously, I wasn’t always Duke Kaufman. I was born Leonard Kaufman but I was “Duke” all through school. You’d think, in this day and age, it wouldn’t be an issue but my dad insisted on calling me “Duke”. I know this sounds crazy …

40

DUKE (contd)

The name “Kaufman” is as German as it is Jewish so at least he didn’t try to change our last name. But he wanted us to pass for lily white Christian.

JEAN

I never had a problem being “lily white”.

DUKE

Well, my dad loved being part of the old boy network. He joined all the churches, all the clubs. And I went to all the right schools, from prep school to college.

JEAN

But they named you “Leonard”. I don’t get it.

DUKE

My mom named me. And that was only a concession to her mother. That wonderful old lady was the only real person in my family. Once my grandmother passed away, I was – in my folks’ mind – stuck with the name “Leonard” on my birth certificate but that didn’t stop them from drumming into my head … “Duke” – “Duke” – “Duke”. I was going to be preppy and Christian, no matter what. When you told your story, it made me sick about myself – about living a lie – the lie of being something I wasn’t. So here I am, coming out of the closet … outing myself.

JEAN

I appreciate your confiding in me. But I don’t get it: You’re living in New York where there are more Jews here than in Israel. You can be a born-again Lenny.

DUKE

Old habits die hard.

JEAN

Well, what’s in a name?

DUKE

I’ll tell you something – Johnny boy – it felt good to get all that crap off my chest.

And it felt good to have you meet Donna. Even more, it felt good to have Donna meet you.

JEAN

Well, that’s what friends are for.

41

DUKE

Yeah. That’s what friends are for.

(Light change)

Scene 3. One year later. Early on a Sunday morning. The phone is ringing. Nobody is home to answer. Presently Kelly enters via the elevator. By the time he gets to the phone, it has stopped ringing.

KELLY (to the phone)

If it’s important, you’ll call back.

(A moment later, the phone rings and Kelly grabs it.)

KELLY

Bon jour; bonne journe! Bienvenue a … I know it’s a lousy accent. Who’s this? (beat) Duke, where are you? You sound like you’re on the moon. (beat) Where? Sun Valley? Well, I was close. Any Sonja Heinie sightings? (beat) Never mind; it’s a gay joke. (beat) What? Who’s on trial? (beat) Oh! You’re covering the Olympic trials? You know, I’m forgetting what you look like. What is it now: almost one year on the road! We get cards from you from Australia, South Africa. You’re more of a gypsy than I am. And I’m surprised you keep sending in those rent checks – for which Jean is eternally grateful. So … how’s your lady friend? (beat) She flies out on weekends? God, how did you do it when you were in Australia and South Africa? (beat) You didn’t do it! Okay! (beat) Your roommate is nowhere to be seen. I don’t know where he is and frankly I’m worried. (beat) No, I haven’t called the police – not yet – but I’m giving him thirty minutes to show his face. (beat) Give me a number and I’ll call you back. Okay, okay, call back in one hour. Okay.

(Jean enters.)

JEAN

Don’t say a word.

(Jean goes to the bar and pours himself a drink.)

KELLY

You never drink before noon. House rules. Remember?

JEAN

So what?

42

KELLY

Duke called from Sun Valley. Remember Duke? (beat) Johnny, what’s going on?

JEAN

I’m bankrupt. Broke! It’s all over.

KELLY

I’m sorry; I’m so sorry.

JEAN

Ever see a bull go belly up? Well, now you have. And there you have it!

KELLY

So … what now?

JEAN

How the hell should I know?

KELLY

What did the lawyers say?

JEAN

They said it was all my fault. I had to pay them $300 an hour to hear that it was all my fault.

KELLY

Why was it your fault?

JEAN

Don’t ask. Not now; not yet. Anyway, the meeting didn’t last more than fifty minutes. I was already downtown – Lower Broadway – so I just walked down to Battery Park and thought about taking the ferry to Ellis Island and reversing the immigration process – going back to wherever my ancestors came from. Minsk – Pinsk … somewhere in Russia. Or maybe I should go back to Lafayette, Louisiana and open a diner?

KELLY

We can have a Cajun wedding. I’d love it!

(Jean breaks down, crying. Kelly comes over to comfort him.)

43

JEAN

It was all my fault. I was so hot to open that I signed off on a short term lease. It was a bargain! How could I resist a bargain? I was so full of myself.

KELLY

You had every reason to be full of yourself.

(Jean goes to the terrace and steps outside.)

JEAN

I’d fling myself over the top but it would be so messy.

KELLY

You know I’d clean up after you.

JEAN

Why did I sign such a dumb lease? And why oh why oh why did I think I could just start over?

KELLY

Because you were already a big hit. Because they love you in Tribeca. They love you downtown. They love you uptown. Me, too! I love you all over town. So now let’s get married. My dance studio is doing well. I’m off the road for good.

JEAN

I screwed up. Big time. Damn! My Aunt Bessie and my Aunt Sadie never wanted me to come north. They knew I’d be a big success but they also said, “Pride cometh before a fall.”

KELLY

Your aunts use words like “cometh”? Look, what happened to you is serious stuff. But it’s no tragedy. In the glamorous world of show business, we have failures every day. Shows open. Shows close. It’s like a revolving door: just when you think you’re in … you’re out! It’s a business built on rejection – which is why I finally came to my senses and started teaching. Now it’s your turn to come to your senses. Let’s get married – and this is the last time I’m proposing.

JEAN

And this is the first time I’m accepting. But don’t get carried away; not just yet. THE BULL ON THE ROOF was my life; my lover. That was your competition. That’s just the way it was. I am sorry. I screwed up with THE BULL and I don’t want to screw up with you.

44

KELLY

Look, honey, I love you. And I feel for you. But you are going to get over this little bump in the road.

JEAN

Bump in the road?

KELLY

Well, a pot hole.

JEAN

More like a man hole.

KELLY

Ooh, that’s sexy. Come on …

JEAN

I just lost my fucking restaurant and you want to play?

KELLY

It’s not the end of the world. You think it is but it’s not. And before I forget, Duke was worried about you. Even in Sun Valley, they’re worried about you.

JEAN

What happens now? What do I do now?

KELLY

Now? It’s almost twelve noon. (beat) We’ll do brunch. And this time, I’ll cook. I don’t trust you to do anything involving flames.

(Kelly exits to the kitchen.)

JEAN

Don’t worry. I won’t set fire to this place. After all, I have to keep it nice and neat for Duke. Yeah, for Duke … “The Wandering Jew”! Isn’t that funny? And who says Jews are good at making money?! Look at me! Yeah … look at me!

(Light change)

Scene 4. Six months later. One o’clock in the morning.

45

(Music Cue: Frank Sinatra singing I LOVE YOU and danced by a splendidly turned-out Kelly in a pinstripe suit and a bejeweled, Donna in an expensive, elegant black cocktail dress. They are having great fun dancing together. And t hen Jean enters. He is wearing jeans and a bloody white shirt. He also has a few cuts around the eye, only one of which is covered by a band aid.

DONNA

Oh my God, what happened to you?

KELLY

Johnny, you look like you walked into a very angry dyke. (to Donna) He’s been tending bar at “Barbra’s Box”. You see what happens to restaurant owners who go belly up? They really go belly up.

DONNA

What happened? Can we get you something?

JEAN

I’m fine.

KELLY

Get out of that shirt. And tell us what happened.

(Kelly rushes into Jean’s bedroom and, a moment later, reappears with a t-shirt. Jean takes off his white shirt and puts on the t-shirt.)

JEAN

A truck driver came in. Drunk. And I refused to serve her. She insisted. Her girlfriend insisted. I told them to leave. So this very slender, well-dressed girlfriend, vaulted over the bar and pinned me. It was an incredible move. Then Miss Butch Cassidy waddled around the bar and nailed me with a haymaker. Actually it was a good combination, left right left right. (beat) You can watch the highlights on the Sports Channel. If you two can tear yourselves away from each other.

DONNA

We were celebrating. Kelly’s got his first big West End musical, as director and choreographer - thanks to yours truly.. So we’re off to London in the morning!

KELLY

And if the new show closes, so what? My assistants are taking care of the dance studio. I’m learning to love security.

46

DONNA

We waited up for you so we could see your sunny face. Jean … I’m sorry about what happened. Are you going to be all right?

JEAN

Of course I’m going to be all right. In fact, I’ll look very sexy with a black patch over my eye. And I didn’t like that white shirt anyway.

(Kelly and Donna stand there, uncomfortably.)

KELLY

Your eye will be fine. Time heals everything. Isn’t that a song? Now we all have to get some sleep.

JEAN

I understand. This was just another night at Barbra’s Box.

KELLY

I haven’t even packed.

JEAN

Bull! I’m sure you started packing right after Donna got you the contract.

DONNA

I even helped him pack. (to Kelly) Don’t I look after you?

JEAN

And I don’t?

DONNA

I didn’t say that - and I didn’t imply that. You look after him in your way - and I look after him in my way.

JEAN

Fact is, I can barely look after myself. Go on, get out of here. Have a great trip. Knock ‘em dead.

DONNA

We were hoping your roommate would show up. I guess the plane was late. Where is he coming in from?

47

JEAN

Madison Square Garden. He’s covering the dog show.

(Donna and Kelly let that information sink in.)

DONNA

That’s a sporting event?

JEAN

It’s his first assignment in a long, long time. He’s not about to bite the hand that’s feeding him.

KELLY

Tell that to the dogs.

DONNA

Tell him I was here. Okay?

JEAN

Okay.

(Donna and Jean walk to the elevator.)

DONNA

How long has it been now? How long have you guys been roommates?

JEAN

Who knows? I stopped counting.

DONNA

It’s amazing; you guys have been together longer than a lot of straight married couples.

JEAN

That’s what my wife keeps saying.

(A confused Donna stops at the elevator)

DONNA

Your wife? I’m confused. Why is Kelly your wife? Why isn’t she … I mean, why isn’t he your husband?

48

JEAN

I know you don’t mean it but you’re asking a personal question that you shouldn’t be asking. Some gay men – some married gay men – would get insulted but I know you don’t mean to be insulting or personal.

DONNA

So I should just drop it. Right?

JEAN

If it’s any conciliation, your boyfriend asked the same question at the wedding. .

DONNA

And you know I’m sorry I couldn’t attend. I was out of town.

JEAN

You should have been there. Duke was my best man. He was a big hit!

DONNA

I’m sure. Now go to bed.

JEAN

Sorry - but I’m tired all the time. It doesn’t help when two lesbians kick the shit out of me.

DONNA

You have your health…minus a few pints of blood. And you still have this place.

JEAN

Yeah, sure. The mortgage is paid.

KELLY

And you can always count on me for a few bucks.

DONNA

The operative word is “few”.

KELLY

If Johnny wants my hard-earned money, he can always get it.

JEAN

“Johnny” doesn’t want it. But thank you anyway.

49

DONNA

Jesus, Kelly, you’re too much. You don’t ask somebody if they want it; you give it to them. That’s like people who say, “Can I get you anything from Paris? I’m going there for a few days.” No, damn it, you just do it.

KELLY

What are you getting so pissy about?

DONNA

It would be nice if Duke came home so I could kiss him goodbye. (beat) Come on, it’s late. We have to get up early and go to Europe.

JEAN (to Kelly)

If I don’t see you at the crack of dawn …then bon voyage! ’Bon voyage to both of you. (to Donna) What’s the matter?

DONNA

I was just thinking about you and Duke. You guys have managed to live together all these years … and I can’t even live with one man for more than a weekend.

(Donna exits.)

(Light change)

Scene 5. One hour later. Jean is sipping vodka and watching TV. Duke enters, carrying an overnight bag. Jean continues to stare at the screen.)

DUKE

Since when did you start watching women’s basketball? (beat) Wow! Did you walk into a door?

JEAN

Welcome home! (beat) I tried to throw out a drunk. She belted me.

DUKE (moving and jabbing)

You gotta bob and weave. Jab to the stomach; hard right to the face. She must have given you a sucker punch.

JEAN

Yeah, and I was the sucker.

50

DUKE (pours himself a shot of vodka.)

You look like shit.

JEAN

I look the way I feel. What’s your excuse?

DUKE

Look at you. Black eye. Cuts around the face. You gotta keep your mitts up.

JEAN

I wasn’t wearing mitts. I was mixing martinis. You can’t mix martinis when you’re wearing mitts.

DUKE

Whew! That had to be a killer dyke.

JEAN

They’re called lesbians. Yeah, Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned.

DUKE

Who said that?

JEAN

I don’t know. (beat) Margaret Thatcher? .

(Duke and Jean sit quietly, sipping their cold, straight vodka.)

JEAN (contd)

How was the dog show? (beat) Earth to Pluto: how was the dog show?

DUKE (finally)

I killed a dog.

JEAN

You killed a dog? At least I hope it was a German shepherd.

DUKE

It was a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. It was the end of the evening. I was out on the floor - that precious floor –where my beloved Knicks should have been.

The place smelled of dog shit. But I did my interviews. I wrote my story. And then it was getting on to midnight - and I was dog tired, you just pardon the expression.

51

DUKE (contd)

So … I sat down. Unfortunately, this nerdy little champion Cavalier King Charles spaniel had broken away from its trainer and its owner … and decided at that precise moment to sit on that chair.

JEAN

How do you know it was a “she”? It might have been a gay Cavalier King Charles spaniel! Jesus! You killed a gay Cavalier! Quel fromage!

DUKE

It was all in the timing. I didn’t see it - I just sat down heavily on the little guy - and I squashed him. I heard this yelp. And then - screams. Screams like you wouldn’t believe.

JEAN

Couldn’t have been worse than the screams when those ladies attacked me.

DUKE

Two?

JEAN

Yeah. She had a girlfriend who pinned my arms while the other one pummeled my precious body. Did you get pummeled?

DUKE

Oh no, these were Connecticut ladies. Too well bred! I’m going to get ummeled by their lawyers.

JEAN

You should always look before you sit.

DUKE

I thought I was just perching.

JEAN

So you should look before you perch. Any sparrow would tell you that.

DUKE

Maybe I can get a job as a back-up bartender? I think you definitely need help.

JEAN

I’m sure they’ll be a recommendation for my dismissal.

52

DUKE

Well, I know I’ll never cover another dog show. Maybe I can do rodeos? I’d rather sit on a horse anyway.

JEAN

Why don’t you marry Donna?

DUKE

I’m talking horses. You’re talking marriage? My own best friend …?

JEAN

Am I your best friend?

DUKE

It’s my best relationship to date.

JEAN(rising from the couch.)

You know what I think? I think it’s time to bring back The Bull on the Roof.

DUKE

Sequels never make money.

JEAN

Wrong, killer of spaniels; wrong! GODFATHER TWO was pretty good. And it made a bundle. SUPERMAN TWO was better than the first one. And it cleaned up at the box office – and I should be cleaning up and sacking out. I am tres tres fatigué - which means I’m overweight and I’m queer. What it really means is that I’m tired of sitting on my ass and feeling sorry for myself.

DUKE

Me, too! Me, too!

JEAN

I’ll do it differently. I’ll learn from my mistakes. This time I’ll keep everything simple. Simple décor; simple menu!

DUKE

And the money for all this? Where’s your capital coming from?

JEAN

I’ll go back to my old investors. I’ll go to new investors. Or maybe I’ll sell this place … your home away from home.

53

DUKE

Oh no!

JEAN

I said, “Maybe”.

DUKE

You’d give up our home?

JEAN

It was never your home. I’m sorry. It was just meant to be a long interlude. I’m sorry, but it’s time to move on. You know that.

DUKE

I like living with you. I even like living with your wife.

JEAN

This place has been a buffer zone for you – and you know that.

DUKE

And Donna knows that!

JEAN

Come on! You’re young. You’ve got your health, as my Aunt Bessie used to say. And just think, you’ll get your own place; your own home. I’ll bet you anything, Donna will see you in a different light.

DUKE

And you and I -= we’ll still be friends?

JEAN

Free drinks - free dinners - at “The Bull On The Roof!”

DUKE

Can I bring a friend?

(Light change)

Scene 5. The time is six months later; early on a November evening. Kelly enters, wearing a black suit.

54

KELLY

Johnny! Where are you? Johnny! Where’s the applause?

(From Jean’s bedroom, we hear one loud clap.)

KELLY (contd)

That’s it? One hand clapping? How … Zen!

JEAN (shouting)

Be out in a minute.

KELLY

Don’t hurry on my account.. It’s only my Broadway debut as a director/choreographer. A little bit of theatre history in the making! But take your time; take your time.

JEAN (shouting)

Be right out.

KELLY

I’m wearing basic black with pearls. Make sure we don’t clash.

JEAN

We will always clash.

(Jean enters, wearing a gray suit.)

JEAN (contd)

Time for a drink?

KELLY

You’re drinking a lot these days. (singing) “Drinking again.”

JEAN

Would you like something?

KELLY

I never drink before my Broadway openings.

(Jean takes his drink to the window and looks out.)

55

KELLY (contd)

Johnny … you’re scaring the shit out of me. It’s too early for you to be drinking..

Listen, I know you too well. And I’m issuing an ultimatum: you’ve worked your last night as a bartender. You, my friend, are going back into the restaurant business; your own restaurant business! I know you’re too proud to ask me for money. You Louisiana “Hebes” are something else!

(Kelly takes a check book out of his jacket pocket and begins writing.)

JEAN

What do you think you’re doing?

KELLY

I know that start-up money is the hardest money to come by – in any business – so I’m giving you – “you should pardon the expression” – a “jump start”. Take it!

JEAN

That’s very sweet of you.

KELLY

I’m not sweet. Take the check! And let’s go!

JEAN

Well … that’s very kind of you.

KELLY

I’m not kind. Now take the check and let’s go. I don’t want to be late for my own opening.

JEAN

I’m at a loss for words.

KELLY

Good!

JEAN

I’ll pay you back.

KELLY

Just open the goddamn restaurant.

56

JEAN (smiling)

Listen, I don’t care what everybody says about you – I think you’re a wonderful human being.

KELLY

Just don’t do any more drinking.

JEAN (opening the door)

Apres toi.

KELLY

Speak Engish, you fucking frog. You’re in America.

JEAN

After you!

KELLY (the grand exit)

Thank you, darling.

JEAN

Now let’s get this show on the road!

(Light change)

Scene 6. One year later. Duke is making last minute preparations for dinner. There are flowers on the table Donna enters.)

DONNA

Something smells good.

DUKE

It’s not me; it’s the roast. (They kiss; a long kiss) Something smells good!

DONNA

It’s not the roast; it’s me.

DUKE

You look nice.

DONNA

Nice? Nice?

57

DUKE

Beautiful. I’ve got a roast that doesn’t look beautiful. Here, let me pour you a drink and I’ll just be a second ….

DONNA

I’ll pour my own drink. Take care of the food.

(Duke rushes back into the kitchen.)

DONNA (fixing a drink)

A roast? I’m impressed. Johnny’s cooking is rubbing off on you.

DUKE

I’ve been cooking for a long time. You just haven’t been around.

(Donna raises her glass)

DONNA

Touché. Kelly’s the toast of London. Now I want to make him the toast of Broadway.

DUKE

I thought you already did that.

DONNA

It never ends. Right now he’s yesterday’s toast.

DUKE

Rough business.

DONNA

Ugly business. I’m starting to wax nostalgia for my little gymnasts. I think they’re all having babies.

DUKE

How does a gymnast have a baby?

DONNA

Very, very carefully!

DUKE (after a moment)

I’d like to have a baby.

58

DONNA

Is that what this dinner is about?

DUKE

This dinner is starting with an appetizer.

DONNA (teasing)

Is that like foreplay?

DUKE

The first course will be … coming up shortly.

(They toast each other and sip the wine.)

DONNA

It’s a nice wine.

DUKE

New York State.

DONNA

Did you get that from Jean?

DUKE

As a matter of fact … yes.

DONNA

You seem to have gotten a lot from your friend.

DUKE

You live with someone for a long time, you pick up their ways. That happens with a lot of old married couples. Sometimes they even start to look alike.

DONNA

And cook alike. Well, at least you haven’t gotten swishy.

DUKE (evenly)

Neither has Jean.

DONNA

Sorry.

59

DUKE

Have some more wine. It’ll relax you.

DONNA

Sorry. (beat) I’m apologizing a lot. Sorry. Damn, I did it again. Well ….you smell good. And it’s not the roast.

(Donna gets up, walks over to Duke and smells him. They kiss.)

DUKE

You don’t really think I’m getting to look like Johnny, do you? I mean, I’m bigger, I’m in better shape. I’m athletic …

DONNA

Of course, sweetie. Of course of course of course.

(They sit and sip their wines.)

DUKE

I’ve missed you.

DONNA

I’ve missed you, too.

DUKE

I can put the roast on a low flame.

DONNA

And then what? Turn me up to 350 degrees?

(Duke rises and walks toward the kitchen.)

DUKE

Just want to put a little more gravy on the roast. Gotta baste the roast! Keep it moist.

DONNA

You’re getting sexy in your old age.

(Duke disappears into the kitchen. Donna rises and just stands there.)

60

DONNA (contd)

Everything will change, once we start living together. And things will really change if we get married. And things will really really change if we have a family. It won’t be like the movies. It won’t be like TV. You know that, don’t you?

(Duke comes out of the kitchen.)

DUKE

Yeah, I know that. And I’ve thought about it. And I think I’d like to do it.

DONNA

Think you’d like to do it? What is it you think you’d like to do?

DUKE

Marry you. Raise a family.

DONNA

In New York? With you working as a free lance writer?

DUKE

I’m working again on a steady basis for the magazine.

DONNA

For how long?

DUKE

How long is anything? How long will Kelly stay with you as a client?

DONNA

Not long. Maybe another 24 hours. He’s being romanced by the big Hollywood agents. They’re seductive guys.They are really good. Oh yes, dear old Kelly is soon to leave for Hollywood … (half-singing) “Hooray for Hollywood, where you’re terrific even if you’re good.”. But hey we had a lot of fun and made a lot of money. I just feel bad for Johnny.

DUKE

Johnny knows what’s happening.

DONNA

Do gay couples get divorced?

61

DUKE

Why should they be any different from the rest of the world ?

DONNA

Same sex divorces! So that’s a sign of cultural progress, isn’t it? Does Jean have another boy waiting in the wings?

DUKE (grinning)

His sous chef.

DONNA

How appropriate.

DUKE

And us? What about us?

DONNA

What about keeping things the way they are? I’d rather have you for a lifetime of weekends than go the traditional route. And why not? Long vacations in the summer. Short vacations in the winter!

DUKE

How about companionship all year round? How about the customary, conventional thing?

DONNA

If we do the customary, conventional thing, it’s not going to work out. It’ll just be a question of time before we’d get on each other’s nerves. Duke …

DUKE

Leonard ….

DONNA

Really? Okay! Leonard … Lenny … Len … whatever …. if you want a family,

you definitely should get married. Only … you definitely should not marry me.

And this is not the first time we’ve had this conversation.

DUKE

But it’s the first time I feel I can handle marriage and family.

62

DONNA

Are you sure? Because if you’re sure, you should do it! Like that old commercial used to say, “Just do it.”

DUKE

What that meant was, “Just buy it.”

DONNA

Okay. Just buy it. Buy into it. Can you?

DUKE

With you.

DONNA

Look at me. Look at me … Duke! Lenny! Whatever your name is! I love you. I love being with you. Mid week. Weekends. Vacations. But living with you? No! Besides … I’ll never be as good as Johnny.

DUKE

What?

DONNA

I’ll never be as good - I’ll never be as good for you - as Johnny.

DUKE

What a wild thing to say!

DONNA

Think about it. You guys have been together for over five years. Great apartment. Great relationship. Separate bedrooms. Separate bathrooms. Finally, separate bathrooms. Perfect. The only hairs in the tub are yours.

DUKE

Yeah. All this was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement. Like us. Right?

DONNA

Oh, come on. Please! Were we supposed to be a permanent arrangement? Was that written in stone? Did you want us to actually have a binding relationship? Doesn’t that scare you? It scares the hell out of me.

DUKE

I don’t know ….

63

DONNA

That’s who I am. I know who I am. I suggest - strongly - that you get acquainted with yourself.

(Duke walks over and takes Donna in his arms. They kiss. It is a long kiss.)

DUKE

I love you.

DONNA

And I love you. And we’re not breaking up. Come on, put a little more juice on the roast. Then turn off the oven.

(Donna walks toward the bedroom.)

DONNA (contd)

Turn off that oven. (smiling) And don’t forget to baste the roast.

(Donna disappears into the bedroom.)

DUKE (calling out)

I guess this means we’re not getting married.

DONNA (at the door)

I’ll be your sous chef.

(Donna disappears into the bedroom)

(The lights fade to half.)

(Jean enters, followed by Kelly.)

KELLY

So come on, tell me: who’s that hunk in your kitchen – and don’t tell me he’s the salad man. Tell me! (singing) “Dites moi - pourquoi - la vie est belle. Dites moi - pourquoi - la vie est gai.”

JEAN

You have a lousy accent. You’ve always had a lousy accent.

KELLY

You French are such fucking snobs.

64

JEAN

I’m not French. I’m American.

KELLY

And your hunk? What’s his story? A green card in search of a marriage license? Watch out! I’ll call Immigration!

JEAN

His name is Armando. He’s from Argentina. And he’s applied for citizenship.

KELLY

And you’re going to be his sponsor? Is that the new name for it?

JEAN

Would you like me to get rid of him? Are you jealous?

KELLY

Can’t he get work in South America? God knows there are enough countries down there to choose from.

(But Jean has drifted toward the kitchen.)

JEAN

Smells like roast. I can’t believe Lenny actually made a roast. Bravo!

(Jean hurries into the kitchen, then reappears at the door.)

JEAN (contd)

And he cleaned up afterwards. Bravo!

KELLY

I’m talking about Armando from Argentina and you’re carrying on like a proud papa because your son cleaned up after him.

JEAN

You must try this roast. Here, I’ll give you a slice.

KELLY

Not interested. Besides … what am I doing here? I’m flying off to the Hills of Beverly. I have to go home and pack.

(Jean comes out of the kitchen, munching on a slice of the roast.)

65

JEAN

Superb. Sure you wouldn’t like a slice?

KELLY

Don’t you care that I’m leaving?

JEAN

You’ve been leaving for a long time. In fact … you’ve already left. If it weren’t for the fact that you’re jealous and that you’re hugely competitive - you’d have been out of here a long time ago.

KELLY

I’m competitive? I don’t think so.

JEAN

Oh, of course you are. That’s what fuels you. Your drive. Your ambition. Sense of competition. Very macho traits.

KELLY

Macho. I like that.

JEAN

And once you’re settled in the Hills of Beverly, you’ll have a very personal trainer … and then it’s just a question of time before you star in your own movie. PECS! Which answers the question, “Can muscles replace the mind?”

KELLY

Let’s face it, honey. You’re jealous of my success.

(Jean walks over and takes Kelly in his arms.)

JEAN

The fact is, I’m happy for you. I’m happy what we had together. It went on too long - but I hope that now we’ll be friends.

KELLY

I was kind of hoping we’d have sex.

JEAN

No, I don’t think so. I’m not interested in a farewell fuck.

KELLY

Armando from Argentina, huh?

66

JEAN

Yeah, that’s part of it.) He’s here … and you aint.

KELLY

Do you really think it’s a good idea, having sex with the kitchen help?

JEAN

It’s not like he’s a bus boy.

KELLY

Well … I’m out of here.

JEAN

Stop pouting. You look like one of those French actresses, with their mouths turned down. (imitating a French actress) “Mais non, mais oui, mais non, mais oui.” Look, we had a good thing going for a long time. But all this was inevitable.

KELLY

All “what” was inevitable?

JEAN

Your success. You were never meant to be a chorus boy, a gypsy. You always had the itch: the vision, the ambition. And you got lucky, having Donna as your agent.

KELLY

Oh? Really? I thought she was the lucky one. I mean, what did she have going for her - a couple of giant basketball players who couldn’t get dates and some little girls who did cartwheels and somersaults. Oh yeah, and some gay tennis players. That was her bread and butter. And beat I came along -- and I got her the real money.

JEAN

She busted her balls for you - all without compensation. Christ, if she had been a lawyer, she’d have been charging you by the hour. She got you the big money. She put you on the “A” list.

(Kelly walks toward the door.)

67

KELLY

You know, I just want to tell you something. And I should have said this a long time ago: ever since Mr. Kaufman moved in, you’ve changed. Oh yes Mary, the change wasn’t noticeable at first. But it started to happen - when he came here - when he came between us. And beat Miss Donna got in on the act. And she came between us. And now … this … this is the result.

JEAN

The dissolution of our relationship is the result of a heterosexual conspiracy.

KELLY

They poisoned your mind against me.

JEAN

It’s taken you a long time to come to that conclusion.

KELLY

They’re the enemy!

JEAN

Well, I’m glad you waited until Madame Ladonna got you a big megabucks contract with a Hollywood studio. Good timing, Kelly.

(Kelly is at the door.)

KELLY

I’m sorry it had to end like this. We had six wonderful years.

JEAN

Seven.

KELLY

Goodbye, Johnny.

(Kelly turns and tries to open the door.)

JEAN

You have to wait until the elevator gets here. Unless you want to use the back stairs.

KELLY

I think I will use the back stairs.

68

JEAN

Please - don’t leave in a huff.

KELLY

Why not? It’s my favorite means of transportation.

(Kelly makes a grand exit.)

JEAN

Too bad. Really too bad. But I could see it coming.

(Duke is standing at the door of his bedroom. He is partially dressed.)

DUKE

Talking to yourself? Sure sign of madness.

JEAN

I’m a successful restaurateur. Therefore I‘m not mad. I’m eccentric.

DUKE

Yeah, but you have to learn to project. We could barely hear you.

JEAN

You didn’t miss anything.

DUKE

I’m sorry about you and Kelly.

(Jean walks back to the kitchen and slices off another piece of the roast.)

JEAN

I can get you a good job at The Bull. This is choice roast.

(Donna exits the bedroom. She is now fully dressed as she heads toward the door.)

DUKE

Where are you going?

DONNA

Tomorrow’s a work day. Hiya, Johnny, sorry about Kelly.

69

JEAN

I’m glad I provided a little light entertainment for a Sunday evening.

DONNA

There was nothing on television.

JEAN

Did you catch the part about the great heterosexual conspiracy?

DONNA

All true. I told Duke first time I laid eyes on you, “Now there’s a latent heterosexual.”

JEAN

But should heterosexuals be allowed to marry?

DONNA

It’s not for the faint of heart.

(Donna and Duke look at one another.)

DONNA (contd)

Sorry I can’t stay for dinner.

DUKE

You’re missing a good one.

DONNA

There’s more where that came from. Good night.

DUKE

Good night or goodbye?

JEAN

Am I supposed to be privy to this conversation? What’s going on here? I can only take one leave-taking a night.

DONNA

I’m just going home. It’s Sunday night. I always go home on Sunday night.

DUKE

You usually are home on Sunday night. I’m the one who always goes home.

70

JEAN

I’m going back to the roast. Goodnight, Donna.

DONNA

Goodnight, Johnny.

(Jean goes quickly into the kitchen.)

DUKE

I don’t believe this. We just had great sex and …

DONNA

Hold on. It wasn’t great sex. It was good sex …

DUKE

What is this? The post game wrap-up? Next thing, we’ll go to the video and you’ll show me a playback. Maybe point out where I could have done better.

(Duke walks with Donna to the elevator door. They kiss)

DONNA

I’m free on Tuesday. Come over to my place, I’ll cook for you.

DUKE (smiling)

Tit for tat.

DONNA

Goodnight.

DUKE

Goodnight.

(Donna gets into the elevator and leaves. For a moment Duke lingers by the door. Beat Jean comes out, eating yet another slice of the roast.)

JEAN

Alone at last!

DUKE

Were you listening?

71

JEAN

There was nothing on television.

(Jean takes his plate over to the table.)

DUKE

So how’s Armando?

JEAN

He’s got possibilities.

DUKE

You know what I mean.

JEAN

I like him. (What about you and Lady Donna?

DUKE

Well, it looks like the “Kaufman line” ends here. Other than that, it’s okay.

JEAN

You don’t sound okay.

DUKE

I’ll be okay.

JEAN

So what’s for desert?

DUKE

Raspberry sherbet.

JEAN

Any coffee?

DUKE

No. Donna doesn’t like ….

JEAN

I’ll make some coffee.

(Duke continues to look to the elevator.)

72

DUKE

Hey, Johnny, can I give you a hand?

JEAN

Absolutely!

(Duke heads for the kitchen.)

BLACKOUT

End of Play

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