He’s Just Not That Into You - Carly A. Viso
[Pages:9] He'sJustNotThatIntoYou:InterpersonalCommunicationReview SPEECH228 CarlyViso 12/8/09
He'sJustNotThatIntoYou,releasedearly2009,followsninepeopletryingto
overcomethechallengesofreadinghumanbehaviorwhileinrealtionships.The
movieisbasedoffthebookofarticles,He'sJustNotThatIntoYoubyGregBehrendt
andLizTuccillo.Realwomensentinlettersaskingforrelationaladviceabouttheir
situationinthebook.Themoviecombinesthemajorthemesofmentoavoidand
womenyoudonotwanttobeintheninecharacters.Allninepeople'slives
intertwinewithoneanothereitherbybeingacouple,friend,orfriendofafriend.
Gigicannotreadsignalsfromanyofthemenshedates,inherpursuittofindMr.
Rightandahappyending,butfinallygetsadvicefromAlexisabarownerwhois
sweetbutcynicaloflove.JanineandBenarethelovingmarriedcouple,untilBen
meetsAnnainacheckoutline.AnnaandBenhaveanaffairwhileConnorBarryis
stilltryingtopursueher.NeilhasbeendatingBethforsevenyearswhenshefinally
dumpshimbecausesheknowsthathewillneverwanttobemarried.Maryisan
advertisingagent,tryingtofindloveonline.
He'sJustNotThatIntoYou(HJNTIY)portraysthestoryofninepeopleseeking
truelove,andintheirsearchtheydemonstratethedifferentstagesofbuildingand
maintainingarelationship.IwillbespecificallytalkingaboutGigiandher
movementupanddowntheModelofRelationalDevelopmentfromtheclass
textbook(Beebe&Beebe,p.291Fig.10.1).TheSocialExchangetheorycanbe
appliedtoGigi'smovementupanddowntheRelationalDevelopmentscale.Iwill
alsotalkaboutsomeofthecommunicationskillsGigilearnsandhowsheapplies
thattocommunicateinherrelationshipsbetterwhileshesearchesforahappy
ending.Finally,therearetwolessonslearnedfromthemoviewhenitcomesto usingcommunicationinrelationships.
"Relationaldevelopmentoccursinstages,butisaffectedbyandaffectsour
interpersonalcommunication"(Beebe&Beebe,p.290).Inorderformetoexplain
howtheGigimovesthroughthestages,alittlebackgroundinformationisneeded.
Theescalationstagesinclude:preinteractionawareness(stranger),acquaintance,
exploration(friend),intensification(closefriend),andintimacy(best
friend/lover/spouse).Thede-escalationstagesinclude:turmoilorstagnation(best
friend/lover/spouse),deintensification(closefriend),individualization(friend),
separation(acquaintance)andpost-separationeffects(stranger).Eachtimeyou
moveprogressfromastage,youhaveaturningpoint,whichare,"specificeventsor
interactionsthatthatareassociatedwithpositiveornegativechangesina
relationship"(Beebe&Beebe,p.290).Everytimeyourrelationshipescalates,more
intimateinformationisshared,timespenttogether,andthephysicalcontact
increases.Thesamethingshappenwhende-escalating,excepttheamounttime,
contactandinformationshareddecrease.Throughoutthemoviethesestagescanbe
seeninthedifferentrelationshipsGigihas.
Gigi,ahopelessromanticinsearchofMr.Right,hasaproblemwith
effectivelyusinginterpersonalcommunicationtoescalateontheRelational
Developmentmodel.Shenormallyskipsthepreinteractionstageandentersthe
acquaintancestagebybeingsetuponblinddates.Theblinddatesdonotallowher
to,"formaninitialimpressionthroughpassivestrategy"(Beebe&Beebe,p.292.)
Shealsobreezesthroughtheintroductoryandcasualbantersub-stages,bysharing personalinformationnormallyincludedinthenextstage,exploration.Inonescene, sheisabouttogoonablinddateandmentionstoherfriendAlex,"Ilikealittletime beforeablinddate.Preparemyselfmentally,remindmyselftonottellthestory aboutmymolars."Socialnormistonotsharestoriesaboutyourteethonthefirst date,especiallyifyouhavenevermettheperson.Gigicanonlyreachthetoplevel, intimacy,withfriends.
GigireachesandmaintainstheintimacylevelwithherfriendJanine.Janine
andGigiworktogetherataspicecompany,andtalktoeachotherabouteverything.
GigieventrustsJanineenoughtobesetuponablinddate.Thereisafreeflowof
informationbetweenthemabouttheirrelationshipswiththeirhusbandorcurrent
interest.JaninegoeswithGigitoabarforaspeeddateeventandfeelscomfortable
enoughtosay,"pleasedonotcyberstalkhim."Onlyfriendswithanunderstanding
ofoneanothercangiveoutharshadviceandhavetheotherfriendnottakeoffense.
GigiisthereforJanineinreturn,whenJaninesharesthatherhusbandhadanaffair
andadmitsthattheyneverhavesexanymore.Bothpiecesofinformationarevery
personal,butJaninetrustsGigienoughtodisclosethat.Ararefriendistherein
timesoftriumphandcrisis,whichisthetypeofrelationship,thetwohave.
Gigigoesthroughmultiplestagesofescalationandde-escalationwithAlex.
Now,AlexisanewfriendtoGigi,butshegoestohimforalmostallherrelationship
adviceandtrustshimenoughtoactuallyfollowit.BeforeGigimetAlex,shenever
followedanyone'sadvice,soitshowstheamountoftrustthatsheplacesinhis
guidance.Atfirst,GigiandAlexareonlyfriendsbecauseshewantsadvice,whichis consideredtobeintheacquaintancestage,buttheyquicklymovetotheexploration stagewhentheymeetfordrinks.Theirconversationsarebrutallyhonestandthey spendalotoftimetogethereithercallingoratthebar.WhenAlexinvitesGigitoa partyofhis,shejumpstoconclusionsabouthimlikingher,becauseofsignsthat she'sseen."Likeitwasgoodtohearfromme,youtalkedtomeevenwhenyouwere withagirl,andIfeltsomething,"GigitellsAlexweresomeofthesigns.Gigimisreads thoseasaninvitationtoproceedtoaromanticintimatelevel.Theirfriendship therefore,goesfromintensificationtopost-separationeffectsstageinamatterof minutes.Alexdeniesanyfeelingsandtheynon-verballyagreetojustcutoffthe relationshipwhenGigistormsout,whichispartoftheseparationstage.Alexlater realizesthatsheistheoneforhimandshowsupatherdoor,andherresponseto hisapologies,is"...Ifaguyreallylikeyouhewillmakeithappen,nomatterwhat....I amtherule.Ihavetostopthinkingthateveryguywillchange."Gigiseesthatin ordertobeinarelationshiptherehastobeanunderstandingofthatperson.You havetogettoknowthatperson,ifyouwanttomaintainarelationship.
Gigistruggleswithherinterpersonalcommunicationnotonlyinthe
escalationstagesbutalsointhede-escalationstages,especiallyinpost-separation.A
weekafteradatewithConnor,shestopsbythisbaronlytoseeifshecan
"accidentally"runintohim.ShebefriendsthebartenderAlex,andgetssomeofthe
bestadviceshecanaboutrelationshipslike,"Youaretherule,nottheexception."He
meant,shemayhearstoriesfromherfriendsabouthowtheyknewsomeonewho
datedanidiotguyjustlikehers,andendeduphappilyeverafter,buttheywerethe
exceptionandsheistherule.Gigithengoesthroughsomeofherpastrelationships withherfriends,likeChad,thedrummerwholivedinastoragespaceandonlyused herforrides,yetshecontinuedtostalkhimforawholeyear.Andthentherewas Don,whousedtobreakupwithhereveryFriday,sohecouldhavehisweekends free,butshecontinuedtotakehimbackbecauseshewasconvincedthathewasthe oneandevenreferredtohimasherhusbandtostrangers.Gigihastroublelettinggo oftheguysshedates,becauseshefeelslikesheisclosewiththem,sharingtoomuch informationtoquickly.AndshehasthisideathathemightbeMr.Right,whichshe desperatelywantstofind.
ThesocialexchangetheoryhelpsexplainwhyGigimovesupanddownthe
RelationalDevelopmentmodel.Gigihasmanagedtothinkthateveryguyshemeets
mightbeMr.Right,andshedoesnotwanttogiveuponhim,justbecausehedidnot
call.TheSocialExchangetheoryaccordingtothebookstatesthat,"peopleseekthe
greatestamountofrewardwiththeleastamountofcost"(Beebe&Beebe,p.296).
SoGigidoesnotfollowthesocialexchangeexactly,becauseshehasalotmore
emotionalcoststhanrewardswhenitcomestodating.Shelivesmorebythe
forecastedrewardsandcosts,thinkingthatbywaitingfortheguytocall,and
obsessingovertherelationshipanddatingidiotmenitwilleventuallypayoffand
leadhertoMr.Right.InherrelationshipwithAlex,sheseesimmediaterewards
fromthefriendshipthoughthebrutallyhonestdatingadvicehegivesher.Alexyells
atGigifordissectingeverydetailandjumpingtoconclusionsaboutstuffthatmen
do,butsherespondswith,"Youmynotgethurtormakeanassofyourself...butyou
don'tfallinlovethatwayeither."ToGigi,fallinginloveisworthanyheartache,
datingaguywhowillnotcallback,orgettingturneddownwhenyouarelookingfor yourhappyending.ShemovesaroundontheRelationalDevelopmentscalebecause paringthe rewardsandcostsofarelationship,theveydefinitionoftheSocialExchangetheory, iswhatGigidoeswhenanalyzingandattemptingdifferentrelationshipstofindthe loveofherlifeandlivehappilyeverafter.
ThroughoutHJNTIY,thereareimportantlessonslearnedabouthowtouse
interpersonalcommunicationeffectivelyinromanticrelationships.Gigiistalkingto
JanineandBethaboutbeingtherule,shementions,"Thatmostmenwhocheaton
you,don'treallycareaboutyou."Deceptionwithinarelationshipcancomeinmany
differentforms.Abaldfacedlie,"outrightfalsificationofinformationintendedto
deceivethelistener,"islikewhenyoursignificantotherliesaboutcheatingonyou
(Beebe&Beebe,p.326).Thereasonbehindtheliescouldanumberofreasonslike
avoidlossofresource,theresourcebeingyouorjusttoprotecttheirself-image.The
movieshowstheimportanceofusingtruthfulcommunication,foritcouldharmor
leadtode-escalationofarelationship.
Anotherimportantcommunicationlessonlearnedisthroughthe
relationshipbetweenBethandNeil,whichistoeffectivelyexpressyourwantsto
yoursignificantother.Bethwantstogetmarried,butdoesnotbringitupbecause
shesays;"Ididn'twanttoseemdemandingorseemclingyorpsycho.SoIhaven't
askedyou."ShedidnotwantNeiltorejectherbecauseofherself-disclosureof
wantingtobemarried.Youhavetousewordstoclearlycommunicatewithyour
significantother."Weliterallytalkarelationshipintobeing.Itisthroughourtalk thatweestablishourrelationshipswithotherpeople"(Beebe&Beebe,p.166).Ifwe createrelationshipsthroughtalk,thenwemustcontinuetoeffectivelyusewordsto maintainthatrelationship.
Gigilearnsandappliesdifferentcommunicationskillsthroughoutthemovie.
OnethingGigilearns,istolistenandusethatinformationwhenpursuinga
relationship.Alextriestoteachherthatifaguyisnotcallingthenheneverwillcall,
andyoushouldmoveon.Thesilencefromtheotherpersonisanindicatorof
disinterestinpursuingarelationshipwithher.Inonescenewhereshemetaguyat
thebar,sheappliesthelisteningskillwhenheisleaving.Hesaysheisgoingtocall,
butaftergivingherhiscard,hesayslookforwardtohearingfromyou.Gigi
confrontshimandsaysletsleaveitasyouwillcallme.SheappliedAlex'sadvicethat
ifhewantstodateher,he'llcall.Gigialsolearnsthatwhenaguysayshe'llbeoutof
townandthereforeoutofreachforafewdays,heisnotinterested.Unlesstheguyis
goingtotheAmazonforest,thereareplentyofwaystocommunicate,whetheritis
viaphone,text,oremail.Whileonadateshegetstoldthisandsoshehangsoutin
thebathroomforawhiletomaketheguysweat.Attheendofthedateshe'llbeable
towalkawaywithoutanyexpectations.OneofthelastlessonsGigilearnsisthe
importanceofsignalsbothverbalandnon-verbal.Justbecauseaguycallsyouor
saysitwasnicetalkingtoyou,doesnotmeanheisinloveorwantstodateyou.
Differentnon-verbalsignalsthatshehastroublewitharebuyinganotherroundof
drinkstokeepthedategoinglonger,cornypick-uplines,andeyecontact.Whenat
Alex'spartyshekeepsmakingeyecontactwithhimandshetakesitasan`Iaminto
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