Kayla Davis



Kayla Davis

Alison Olsen

TCH_LRN 322-01

March 1, 2016

Student Writing Analysis

Writing Samples: The writing samples we scored are from Miss Nordstrom’s 5th grade classroom at Robert Gray Elementary School in Longview, WA. The writing prompt asks students to imagine what it would be like to be lost in a snow-covered forest and happen upon the abominable snowman and to write a story about their experience. Students were given the story starter “Oh No! I was lost! I turned and saw…” (These samples are from the 2015-2016 academic school year).

Student #1: “The Abominable Snowman”

Ideas: 3

Justification: We scored this student sample with a 3 for ideas. Although the piece was engaging at most turns, the writer failed to include enough details that could have created a more vivid image for the reader. Because of these missing details, there appeared to be a gap in the writer’s explanation of the topic and we only got a murky picture of the tale that they were telling. Additionally, some important details that were included were general as opposed to specific.

Examples: The writer could have added more details about the setting in the beginning. As the reader, you only know that they are “lost in the middle of nowhere”. Without reading the prompt we don’t know enough about this “nowhere” and its surroundings to create a visual image - is it hot or cold? Are there trees around? Is there snow on the ground? Is it day or night? We also don’t know why they are alone and lost - how did this come to be? Later, the writer happens upon the abominable snowman, but doesn’t tell us anything beyond that it was hairy and tall - we are left to wonder things like “what color was the beast?” “Did it have sharp teeth and claws?” “Was it smelly?” “Was it a boy or a girl?” “Did it look like an ape?” This example also speaks to the writer’s lack of specific details. We know the abominable snowman was “tall”, but how tall?

Organization: 4

Justification: We gave this student sample a 4 for organization because the organization of the paper supported the story and accounted for a nice surprise. The sample also had a functional lead and conclusion and included helpful transitions. However, we did conclude that that the writer needed to better organize their writing into paragraphs to make it easier to follow.

Examples: The student lead off their story with a nice tense lead to draw the reader in, then began to elaborate, and then closed with a nice unexpected surprise. The beginning of the story opens: “Oh No! I was lost! I turned and saw a big harry shadow but I wasn’t for sure so I ran, I ran as fast I could and and then I stoped and looked around I was lost in the middle of nowhere.” This opening creates some nice tension for the reader and begs them to continue on. The writer continues to ride this tension in the middle as the reader anxiously waits to see who the shadow belongs to and then hits the reader with an unforeseen surprise at the end - it was actually all a dream! Organizing the piece in this way gives it character and supports the mood of the story. Additionally, although the lead and conclusion could use some minor editing and revision, they are functional and satisfying. The student also used several transitions throughout the paper including “then,” “all of a sudden,” and “after”. But the student needs to start a new paragraph beginning with “All of a sudden I woke up…” for better organization and to separate the story from the dream in the end.

Voice: 5

Justification: We scored this student with a 5 on voice because we felt that the sample was a good read aloud candidate and showed sensitivity of readers. Further, we thought that the writer was present and revealed themselves in the piece and that the piece was lively. As a whole we believe all of these elements made the piece stand out from others. To move to a 6 the writer would need to elevate their inclusion of their innermost thoughts and feelings and reveal their voice just a bit more - this might make the piece as individual as fingerprints.

Examples: In the beginning of the story the writer opens with: “Oh no! I was lost! I turned and saw a big harry shadow but I wasn’t for sure so I ran, I ran as fast as I could and then I stoped and looked around I was lost in the middle of nowhere.” This opening has great read aloud quality that will rope the readers in. The writer also adds great supportive dialogue that makes it a great read aloud candidate including when the author writes “‘Hello!’ I yelped” and “was it a bunny. ‘I hope’” and “Gulp!” when they are waiting to see what creature lies in the bushes. The writer’s use of tension shows awareness of readers and makes the piece lively. For example, when they write “then I heard one foot, then another then another, “Gulp!” The writer is obviously familiar with narratives and seems to be trying to build as much tension as possible - they are clearly a storyteller who writes to engage their audience. In things like “No one answered and then right then and there I heard a bush move…” The author’s voice comes out. I can immediately imagine this student using the phrase “right then and there” as part of their everyday vocabulary when they are conversing with friends. Then the writer ends with “After I told her about what happened And she told told me none of that is real but somehow it was…” The writer seemed to also be present here, leaving off with an adamant, but lingering statement about the dream - they are a storyteller at heart and it’s evident. Overall, the piece is an intriguing read aloud that keeps the audience on their toes!

Word Choice: 3

Justification: We scored this piece with a 3 for word choice because it had an occasional stand-out moment, but moments needed pruning or expansion. The reason we did not score this piece a 4 was because it was wordy in places and words did not always help the reader get the “big picture”. However, we felt that images and impressions were still coming into focus regardless.

Examples: The student sample had an occasional stand out moment with regards to word choice, including things like “big harry shadow”, “I yelped”, “Gulp!”, and “All of a sudden”. However, other than these moments, word choice was simply ordinary - the writer used typical choices like “ran” “fast” “yelled” “big” “tall” etc. With regards to pruning and expansion, there were moments that the writer could have cut short - such as “so I ran, I ran so fast...:” because it is repetitive in nature. And further, there were moments where the writer could have expanded - such as, “it was tall, it was harry…” Here, the writer could have expanded by using more descriptive words like “10ft tall with hair long enough to put in a pony-tail!” In some places the writer gets wordy. For example, “I turned and saw a big harry shadow but I wasn’t for sure so I ran, I ran as fast as I could and then I stoped and looked around I was lost in the middle of nowhere.” But nonetheless, images are created and begin to come into focus. For example, when the bush moves and the author writes “was it a bunny. ‘I hope’” we can picture the scene.

Sentence Fluency: 3

Justification: We scored this student with a 3 for sentence fluency because the piece is readable with rehearsal and close attention, but sentence-to-sentence flow needs work, and sentences are not always clear at first so a few moments cry out for revision. This piece ultimately needs revision that gives way to better flow before it could begin to meet the 4 scoring guidelines.

Examples: Some of the writer’s sentences run into one another, which makes it difficult to sort the writer’s ideas as a reader. For example, “No one answered and right then and there I heard a bush move...was it a bunny “I hope”. The writer hops from one idea to the next to the next, all in one sentence. We found ourselves having to reread at times to fully understand what they were trying to say. The writer also had run-on sentences that did not flow such as “I turned and saw a big harry shadow but I wasn’t for sure so I ran, I ran as fast as I could and then I stoped and looked around I was lost in the middle of nowhere.” This sentence is not only wordy, but it has parts that don’t flow when you read it aloud such as “but I wasn’t for sure” which doesn’t seem to fit in the sentence and distracts the reader.

Conventions and Presentation: 2

Justification: We scored this student with a 2 for conventions and presentation because they had distracting and repeated errors and conventional errors that interfered with their message. Further, line-by-line editing is needed prior to publication, and the story read overall, like a hasty first draft. The student needs to read the piece aloud to themselves to identify places that need punctuation and revision. Overall, we felt like conventions was the weakest component of this paper and narrowed it as the main distracter. Further, we thought that presentation could have been better accounted for by dividing the paper into paragraphs to make it more appealing to the eye of the reader.

Examples: The student repeatedly misspelled “hairy” as “harry”, and also misspelled “stopped” as “stoped”, and wrote “shaked” instead of “shook”. However, the student’s main repeated errors had to do with using punctuation correctly. For example, “No one answered and then I heard a bush move...was it a bunny “I hope”. This sentence needs to end with a question mark after “bunny” and then “I hope” needs to be its own sentence. (No one answered and then I heard a bush move...was it a bunny? “I hope”.) Another example comes at the end of the story: “All of a sudden I woke up and and was being shaked ‘Huh!’ ‘Huh!’ my mother said I was yelling about an Abominable snowman...After I told her her about what happened And she told me none of that is real but somehow it was…” This sentence is in need of some major punctuation to help separate ideas and make things clear. The student also has capitalization errors. For example, they use a capital in the middle of a sentence: “After I told her what happened And she told me…” and they do not capitalize the beginning of a sentence in “then I heard one foot…” in another spot. The writer does also not use paragraphing in their story, which is needed for better presentation. Without paragraphs, the piece looks more daunting to read - like a big jumble of words taking up an entire page. The student should start another paragraph when they begin to disclose that the experience was in fact just a dream. Overall, it reads like a first draft.

Student #2: “The Big Furry Thing”

Ideas: 5

Justification: We gave this student a score of 5 for ideas. The student’s choice of detail was intriguing and kept our attention throughout the whole story. There was just enough detail that I could picture “The Big Furry Thing” but it could have had more physical description besides what the face and toes looked like. There was a clear story line throughout. From when he saw the monster, to when he ran away, found an old man with a shotgun, was told by the old man to shoot the monster, but he/she instead run away to their home to tell their mother about the adventure. Which ended up with them getting punished for touching a gun. So the story was definitely authentic in nature which demonstrated their prior knowledge of what an encounter with an abominable snowman might entail. The only reason we didn’t give the writer a 6 was because there were some missing holes in the story that could have been elaborated on.

Examples: The student begins the story describing “a enormous bristley tree” which immediately throws the reader into the setting where the snowman could be living. That also demonstrated their background knowledge on the topic. Some helpful details was the descriptors of the beast and the kids fight or flight reaction to it. Then the detail “where I found an old man, who had a shotgun” is a bit random, and could have used descriptions on the old man’s appearance or why he was in the woods at all, but this character input was a great way to drive the story forward.

Organization: 5

Justification: This student would also receive a 5 for organization. There is a clear sense of direction, from the student’s description of the beast to the end when the mom disciplines them. The very beginning was a hook that led to a humorous conclusion that ended the story well. There were some great transitions that helped the writing flow from one subject to the next. It is a really easy piece to follow if we are not looking at grammatical errors, or left out words. The pacing was great for the descriptions and the main story line. The only reason we didn’t give the student a 6 was because the pacing wasn’t very balanced it was very quick and felt rushed.

Examples: The student’s transitions from the description of the beast to their reaction was comical, “all I could do was one thing. get my butt out of there….”, it kept the reader intrigued with the story and gave a great motion to the story. There was some misuse of commas which led to the rushed feeling, “ ...butt out of there or I would be dinner, so I ran to the nearest cave, where I found an old man, who had a shot gun”. Then the next sentence is just as long with just as many sentence connectors that makes this piece lose some of its motion.

Voice: 6

Justification: We scored this piece with a 6 for voice because it was incredibly original! There are outbursts, personal connection, problem solving, and known consequences for their actions. There were silly inflections that made us laugh because the image that the student created was so funny. This student I would hope would share this story, because I would love to read it out loud. It is incredibly exciting and compelling. The entire piece pulled us readers in until the very end when they returned safely home.

Examples: The first sentence ends with an exclamation “... it looked like giant toes!” then the next sentence ends with “oh no!” This gives the reader the chance to see into the writer's mind, and expressively feel their emotions as if this scenario was really happening. As said before in the organization score, we concluded that the writer had run on sentences but this acclimated to what could have been happening in the writer’s head. The long sentences convey that the writer wasn’t able to stop moving until they were safe. It was just difficult to see if that was intentional or if it was just because they didn’t know when to end the sentence.

Word Choice: 4

Justification: We scored this writer with a 4 for word choice because they used many very descriptive words to convey their meaning, but some words did fall short in being a smooth transition. Other words are pretty common by this grade so we would have liked to see more descriptive words instead of the longer sentences that seemed to be space fillers. This student did a great job explaining what the snowman looked like by using descriptive adjectives. There was some repetitiveness when using verbs to describe action, and vocalization. This student may just need help with movement words. That could have easily bumped this student up to a 5.

Examples: The writer used words like “slobbery”, “7 inch sausages”, and “bristley” to describe objects as well as the monster. They did a fantastic job helping the reader visualize the scene by ensuring that the most important things were explained. There could have been more description about the character’s movement from one scene to the next, as well as the additional characters who came in at the end. We would have really liked to see stronger movement vocabulary that really demonstrated the urgency that the writer was so close to conveying.

Sentence Fluency: 4

Justification: We scored this student with a 4 for sentence fluency because they did an awesome job at sentence length variance! There are short sentences, long sentences, and even some unfinished sentences. The writer did a superb job of not having fragmented sentences and not too many instances of repetition. There is obvious connection between sentences that doesn’t muddle the story. This student could have scored higher if the transitions weren’t so rough near the end of the story. Overall the student was very dynamic as well as enticing throughout the story, but there could have been an improvement within the transitions.

Examples: Near the middle of the writing piece beginning at “all I could do…” and ending at “he told me to shoot…” is a very shaky sentence combination that could have been worded so that it flowed easily but with the suspense that this story needed. The writer also left out words within the sentence beginning with “and run, and then I…” near the bottom of the passage. The writer left out another “ran” that would have made this sentence complete. Also near the beginning of the passage there is an addition added after “and,” that says “x2” which we read as saying that they stuttered the word “and” twice. This kind of interrupted the flow of the story, so it was a mark down. We did enjoy the pacing that the student portrayed because it felt as if the writer couldn’t catch their breath fast enough to tell the whole story.

Conventions and Presentation: 3

Justification: We decided on a 3 for this student because there are many noticeable errors that can make the reader pause during reading. The writer really enjoys using punctuation and demonstrating their use of commas exclamation points, periods, and even a colon. The only problem with this is that there is so much extra punctuation in the wrong places that it’s borderline distracting. The writer tries very hard to show continuation within sentences and movement throughout the piece. But it just seemed to get lost in all of the punctuation.

Examples: There were many comma splices in random places such as after the “and,x2” but especially near the end when the climax of the story should have been the focus. Beginning from “All I could do…” to “...whooping for holding a gun” can be interpreted as one huge long sentence filled with commas. There are periods in there but the transition from one sentence to the next makes it very hard to read with the periods in place. The presentation of this student’s work is relatively nice besides where there is a missing word which makes it look like the student indented, and where there is an addition to the sentence using a (^) symbol. The handwriting is incredibly legible with only one or two spelling errors. The student spelled the word “sausages”, “enormous”, “bristley”, and “whooping” perfectly but was unable to spell “tongue” correctly. The writer really did a wonderful job of presenting for the reader!

Student #3: “No Title”

Ideas: 1

Justification: We scored this student with a 1 for ideas because they had minimal text overall. The story seemed to not yet be defined in the writer’s mind - they only displayed their notes or first thoughts. The reader is left with many questions - Where did the story take place? What was huge and ten feet tall? Why couldn’t you sleep that night? etc. Also, the writer disregarded the prompt and did not use the opening story starter. However, ultimately the main reason for the low score was the underdevelopment and lack of ideas.

Examples: The student’s entire paper is only 4 sentences long and one of those sentences is only one word: “AHHH!” The student does not establish the setting of the story and when the abominable snowman comes into play they do not tell the reader what it is they only write “It was huge 10ft tall”. If you do not read the prompt you are left to wonder what “it” was and why in the next sentence the writer is running home. Because there is not a lot of description in the story, the reader cannot construct a vivid image of what is happening. Overall, there are only 3 ideas to the whole story, which doesn’t create a great foundation for story development or engaged readers.

Organization: 4

Justification: Although the student’s work was limited we could only evaluate what we were given so we decided to give this student a 4 for organization. Overall, the student’s organization supported the story, had a functional lead and conclusion, and was easy to follow. We did not hold the student’s word count against them, but we recognize that the story is in need of some more substance. We would suggest having the student develop the story further and reassess to make sure the score is valid when the story has more substance.

Examples: You can tell the student has an awareness of organization. They begin with a hook word “AHHH!” that pulls the readers in and their next sentence supports this hook - “It was huge 10 ft. tall I ran and ran It chased me all the way home”. They end the story by remarking that there is no way they are sleeping that night. Although it is in need of some development and revision, ultimately the organization is there and supports the story the writer is developing. Ultimately, things are happening in a sequential and reasonable order that makes sense.

Voice: 3

Justification: We scored this sample paper a 3 for voice because even though there is not much substance there is evidence of voice and character – although it comes and goes. We classified this piece as not quite ready to share, and in need of more voice simply because it’s in need of more content. However, we suspect this score will grow as the writer adds more content because even though this paper is short it already has potential to be a good read-aloud candidate from the little that is on the page.

Examples: The student opens the story with “ ‘AHHH! I scream at the top of my lungs.” This is a great hook and bleeds voice. Later the student writes “I ran and ran” and “I was sweating and sweating” This use of double verbs not only adds a bit of spice to the story, but we hear the writer’s voice when we read this exaggeration. As a whole, if you read this story aloud even though it’s not much – it actually is quite compelling and has the makings of a great story!

Word Choice: 3

Justification: This writer used very generic words for descriptors. The meaning of the story was very straight-forward, so the word choice didn’t hinder the understanding, but it definitely could of had more personality to it. There were some great moments that really stood out to us. When the writer explains their motion they demonstrate movement, but the words used are very generic, and didn’t include any type of expansion to really send the reader into the scene. There were not adjectives to describe the snowman besides how “huge” it was. The student can work on expanding their idea’s because they are there! They just need a little prodding to open up the ideas.

Examples: The words used were mainly generic, with no personal inflection during the area’s where it should have been more dramatic. “It was huge”, “I ran and ran”, and during the conversation they said “I told” instead of a word that would have been more exciting, like “yelled”, “shouted”, and/or “explained”. They did do a great job showing their family relationship in such a concise way.

Sentence Fluency: 3

Justification: We gave this student a 3 because even though it is a very short passage, there are variations in sentence length. There is a sharp exclamation in the beginning, then a classic sentence, followed by a longer sentence that should have included commas, ending in a sentence finished with a triple ellipses. There needs to be revision throughout the whole story, but the writer did a great job creating movement throughout.

Examples: The intro “AHHHH!” was a great hook that immediately made us focus on what the writer had to say. Then near the end they created a restless scene describing how they were “sweating and sweating I could never slep that night…” gave the final scene an atmosphere of being really terrified of the monster. This flow of ideas from sentence to sentence made the story easy to follow. We did not need to rehearse or pay close attention to read this text.

Conventions and Presentation: 2

Justification: This writer had many grammatical errors throughout the story. Missing suffixes, commas, and spelling errors that really distracted the reader from being able to focus on the story and not the errors. This could have been a very early draft that was rushed instead of a written piece that demonstrated the writer’s ability to take their time. This writing piece needs more revision and editing before the final publication so that this writer can have the paper showing their talents of hard work and patience.

Examples: From the beginning after the hook there is a missing suffix “scream”. There is a random capital letter in the middle of “I ran and ran It chased me…” showing that this writer has troubles with the basics of sentence structure, or they may have just been in a hurry and forgotten. There is also a missing period after that previous sentence which leads into the next sentence missing commas in between nouns “I told my mom dad sisters and brothers know one believed”. That sentence also shows the students misunderstanding between “no” and ‘know”. Then finally at ‘slep” the student demonstrated that they don’t know how to make that long ‘ee’ sound in writing.

| |Ideas |Organization |Voice |Word Choice |Sentence Fluency |Conventions/Presentati|

| | | | | | |ons |

|Student #1 |3 |4 |5 |3 |3 |2 |

|Student #2 |5 |5 |6 |4 |4 |3 |

|Student #3 |1 |4 |3 |3 |3 |2 |

|Average |3 |4.3 |4.6 |3.3 |3.3 |2.3 |

Future Instruction: The writers that we took samples from seemed to be at varying places on the “writing spectrum”. Some were stronger than others, but then weaker where another may have done a bit better. However, across this set of students, the weakest component for all of them was conventions with an average score of 2.3. Because of this, we would focus our future instruction on the trait of conventions/presentation – specifically conventions. One minilesson we would do with our students is to teach them about the importance of reading their work aloud as they write. This minilesson would involve the teacher modeling the strategy by reading a loud a brief piece of writing with lots of conventional errors that could be caught by the ear. Using the I do/We do/You do strategy, the teacher would first model it, then ask for help from students, and then have students work independently or in groups with a short piece of writing to listen for needed revisions. Another activity we could do to support student’s writing in this regard is to develop an editing checklist for students. For this activity we could work together as a class to make a list of things related to good conventions – such as using punctuation at the end of sentences, using capitals, etc. After we construct the list, we could make the list into a checklist for students to use when they are writing and have them keep this in their writing workshop folder.

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