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A DOUG FIELDS SERIES

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INTRODUCTION

It never struck me that one of the reasons I loved camp so much was because I was there with my friends—until the summer I had to go without them.

Relationships simply make things better.

TENSION

Get close enough to somebody and there’s bound to be conflict.

Think about the last big fight you had. What were you fighting about?

You probably handled it in one of two ways:

• The way it’s been modeled for you

• The same way as the person on the other side of the battle line.

The problem is, the more we fight to be right, the more our relationships suffer.

TRUTH

In his letter to the people of Ephesus, Paul says to make every effort to live at peace. Unfortunately, we usually put all of our effort toward winning the argument.

In fact, Paul says it’s through the bond of peace that we keep peace, that we keep unity.

There’s a question you can ask yourself when a fight breaks out: am I fighting to be right, or am I fighting for the relationship?

God cares about unity and peace in our relationships. And because of that, He is leading us, as His followers, to choose peace with a person over winning an argument.

Making peace > making a point.

APPLICATION

There are some things you can do the next time you face conflict.

1. Think about you.

2. Think about them.

LANDING

As we close, I want you to think about this: What if you were right all the time? In the end, you may make a point. But your life won’t be better. Making peace > making a point.

A DOUG FIELDS SERIES

BOTTOM LINE:

Making peace > making a point.

GOAL OF SMALL GROUP:

To help students see how fighting FOR a relationship shows other people that they matter,

and that fighting FOR peace will always get them further than fighting to be right.

INTRODUCTION

When I was in high school, one of the things I looked forward to all year was summer camp. Every summer, I went to a weeklong church camp, and even though I didn’t really care a whole lot about my relationship with God at that age, I loved it! It was the highlight of my summer.

The summer after my sophomore year, I had a scheduling conflict and couldn’t make it the week my student ministry was going. I was so bummed. But my mom, trying to be nice, said, “Why don’t you find a week you can go, and I’ll take you.” I agreed. My mom drove me down there, we rented a little hotel room, I bought a ticket and I went to all the sessions.

And it was awful.

For some reason, it never struck me that one of the reasons I loved camp so much was because I was there with my friends from church. Now I was at camp with my mom—not quite as exciting. That week of camp was MISERABLE. I met a few people. We didn’t have much in common. They were nice to the poor little guy who was at camp with his momma. But I realized that camp, for me, just wasn’t the same without my friends around.

On a bigger scale, I would venture to say that life just isn’t life without friends around. If you’re struggling to have friends right now, let me just say, I get it. If no one remembers your birthday, then it’s not quite as cool to turn 16. If you showed up at youth group and you were the only person there, or you went to small group and sat in a room by yourself, youth group wouldn’t be quite as fun, would it? Relationships simply make things better.

TENSION

But isn’t it true that the same relationships that make life so much fun can also be very difficult at times? Get close enough to anybody and there’s bound to be conflict.

Your parents and stepparents. Your teachers and coaches. Your siblings and stepsiblings. Your friends and best friends. They are the people you are most likely to have conflict with because they are the people who are closest to your life.

That’s the reality. But there’s a lie out there that says in a good relationship with your parents or siblings or friends, there won’t be any fighting. You’re never going to find yourself in a battlefield. I don’t believe that. In fact, I don’t think conflict destroys our relationships. I believe it’s our response to conflict that destroys relationships. It’s how we handle it.

The problem is, even if we know the RIGHT thing to do when a fight breaks out, actually doing the right thing is a challenge. I’m not talking about a fight where two random guys start punching each other in the face in the Wendy’s parking lot. I’m talking about an argument that involves you and…

• Your best friend

• Your stepmom

• Your Geometry teacher

• Someone in your student ministry

• A member of the opposite sex

• Your little sister

• A person at your school who gossips a lot

Think about the last big fight you had. What were you fighting about? Maybe your parents wouldn’t let you go to a concert that all your friends were going to. Or maybe your best friend invited everyone to her house to hang out—except you. Or maybe your girlfriend feels like you’re spending more time playing video games with your friends than you are with her.

In that moment, there is no manual that says, HERE IS HOW YOU PERFECTLY HANDLE THIS SITUATION. No, you’re left to deal with it the best way you know how. And that means you probably deal with it one of two ways:

1. The way it’s been modeled for you. Basically, you deal with battles the way your family does. Even if you have never thought about it, there’s a good chance that you respond to arguments or conflicts the same way one of your parents or step-parents do.

2. The same way as the person on the other side of the battle line. However they act, that’s how you’re going to act. They yell, you yell. They get sarcastic, you get sarcastic. They take it to social media, you do too.

No matter what the fight was about and no matter which way you chose to respond, I’d venture to say that at the end of the day, you thought you were right and the other person was wrong. Everyone else got to go to that concert. Because of that, you concluded that you were right and your parents were wrong. Your best friend should have invited you to hang out. Because she didn’t, you were right and she was wrong.

The reality is that when it comes to conflicts in our lives, we love to be right. We are fighting to prove we’re right, to prove our point. And usually the point we’re making seems so obvious to us.

• “He’s overbearing.”

• “She shouldn’t have done that.”

• “He doesn’t listen to my side of the story.”

The problem is, the more we fight to be right or prove we’re right, the more our relationships suffer. And after we’ve made our point, even if we do end up convincing someone we’re right, we’re left with nothing but pain, regret, and confusion.

So what do we do about it? The good news is, if you really get what we’re talking about today, it’ll set you up to change the way you view fighting forever.

TRUTH

The Apostle Paul, who is like the Lebron James of Christianity, wrote a letter to a church in a town called Ephesus. And the church in Ephesus was having a hard time getting along. Not because they were bad people, but because sometimes, it’s just hard to get along with people. We get that.

And in a section where Paul addresses their conduct—their behavior—he talks about how to handle conflict. The thing that I love here, is that even though Paul is writing to Christians and he uses Christian kind of language, what he’s saying matters to all people. Everyone—whether a Christian or not—can benefit from what he says.

He says, Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3 NIV)

The first thing Paul says is make every effort. Giving all our effort isn’t a problem for us. It’s just that we usually put all of our effort toward winning the argument. Toward making a point. Toward being right. Not toward peace. But Paul speaks of something different—about throwing all our effort into something different. So what are making an effort to do?

To keep the unity of the Spirit. Unity may not seem like that big of a deal, but it is. Being unified creates stronger relationships and healthier people. Constantly being at odds with the people around us only makes us weaker, overly defensive and generally unhappier. Paul is saying instead of fighting against a person we need to be fighting for peace.

In fact, Paul says it’s through the bond of peace that we keep peace, that we keep unity. In a world that loves conflict, we need to be people who choose something different. Something unique. Something that can only be traced back to God Himself.

See, conflict comes down to wanting our way. One guy says, “Dude, I saw you flirting with that girl I like.” The other says, “Dude, you’re not official.” One girl denies talking behind her back. The other one has hurt feelings. You want to go to a concert. Your stepdad thinks it’s a bad idea or unsafe. You tell your little sister, “I need to watch The Voice.” She says, “I need to watch Doc McStuffins.” And in that moment, you want to get your way. You think you’re right. And so you fight to be right. You say hurtful stuff. And if THEY win or get the upper hand or hurt you more, you want revenge. So you keep score instead of keeping the unity of the Spirit.

Paul introduces a new way of approaching a battlefield. For you, it starts with a question you can ask yourself when a fight breaks out: am I fighting to be right, or am I fighting for the relationship? Here’s another way to ask it: am I choosing to get back at someone, or am I choosing peace for our friendship?

See, conflict will happen, but some of you need to start choosing different responses. I’ve seen friendships end. I’ve seen siblings who could really help each other and be there for each other, destroy each other. I’ve seen parents or stepparents and teenagers enter into a world of bitterness that I don’t think either one really wants. And it’s usually over something that, in the long run, isn’t that big of a deal. It’s because they made the goal winning the argument instead of winning the relationship.

This is where we need to allow Scripture to shape our responses. So let’s go back to our verse: “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Make every effort to approach conflict different than everyone else. The Spirit of God is one that, above everything else, guides us to assign value people by loving them. Even people who are different than us.

Even people who will never agree with us. God cares about unity and peace in our relationships. And because of that, He is leading us, as His followers, to choose peace with a person over winning an argument. Here’s the bottom line.

Making peace > making a point.

APPLICATION

If you decided today that you agree that loving a person is better than making a point, then there are some things you can do the next time you face conflict.

1. Think about you. When you're in the middle of conflict, you have to remind yourself: "I am valuable. I don’t need to win this argument to feel important. I already am. And if they win, I won’t be any less valuable.”

Based on your value, a great next question is: How can I react in a humble way? How can I practice being humble—or treating them better than myself— for the sake of the relationship? How can I make an effort to keep peace and make peace?

2. Think about them. In the same that you have to remember you’re valuable, you MUST remember: "They are valuable."

Your little sister is valuable. So is your best friend, your Biology teacher, your step-mom, AND the person at your school who gossips a lot. And because of that, your question is, How can I treat them in a way that shows them they’re valuable? How can I talk to them in a way that communicates, “Even if I disagree with you, I think you’re a valuable person”?

LANDING

As we close, I want you to think about this: What if you were right all the time? What if you made your point regardless of what it meant to other people? Then what? Would it make you more popular at school? Would you be voted “Most Right” as your senior superlative? Would you get into a great college because of all the arguments you won? Would people sign your yearbook and say, “Wow, I’ve loved being in school with you. You made people feel so stupid when they disagreed with you. You’re the coolest guy. You never let things drop until you got your way.”

Guys, would girls want to date you more? “Oh, when he argues with his step-mom, he is such a jerk, but he wins every time. He’s just so attractive when he makes her feel worthless.” Ladies, would the guys line up to ask you on dates because you successfully destroyed your relationships at home, all out of revenge?

It’s crazy. But that’s how some of you are currently living your high school lives. And in the end, you may make a point. But your life won’t be better. And you’ll miss the very thing Paul urges you to bring into your relationships, particularly when conflict shows up:

Making peace > making a point.

[TRANSITION TO SMALL GROUPS]

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BATTLEFIELD | SESSION ONE | LET’S FIGHT

SCRIPTURE:

Ephesians 4:3

BOTTOM LINE:

Making peace > making a point.

BATTLEFIELD | SESSION ONE | LET’S FIGHT

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