ENGLISH-JOKES-2 BY - Vipul M Desai

[Pages:19]ENGLISH-JOKES-2 BY - Vipul M Desai:

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SINDHI OBITUARY

A Sindhi rings the Times of India office to place an Obituary for his dead grandfather. Sindhi: How much does it cost to print an Obituary in the Sunday edition of the Times of India? Help Desk (TOI): Sir, we charge Rupees 50 per word. Sindhi: (Thinking)... Hmmm... Wari likho ni... "DADA DEAD". Help Desk (TOI): Sir, you have to give a minimum of five words. Sindhi: (Thinking harder)... Hmmm... Wari sochne do...likho ni... "DADA DEAD, HONDA FOR SALE ".

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman .... You have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman. Now who is Ravan????????????????

Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without brain.. Please tell them your age!!!!!!

Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.

Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye? Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye.

Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga , pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai.

Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 maale se gir gaya tha Banta: toh fir bach gaya ya mar gaya ? Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.

Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa do Mom: tera dost chor hai kya? Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pehchan lega.

Marriage problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love Marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!"

Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai? Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare...

Why do Bride & Groom exchange "Varmaala" during wedding ? To tell each other affectionately... ..Sweetheart U R Dead

Different Phases of a man: After engagement: Superman After Marriage: Gentleman After 10 years: Watchman After 20 years: Doberman

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake? Answer : On their Wedding !!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven. "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???

Performance Pressure :::: Poultry farm ke malik ne tammam Murgiyon ko Order diya "Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band " Murgiya dar gayi ....sab ne do do ande diye. Magar ek ne sirf ek anda diya " Malik "tum ne 1 anda hi kyon diya ". . . Jawab mila..

"Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon"

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

What's the opposite of "Dominoes"??? Tired of thinking??? Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know"

Whats the opposite of "Pizza Hut" Okei don't kill me "Pizza Hutna mat"

Whats the opposite of Go pala krishnan? Come pala krishnan.

One day a man calls his wife from his IDEA mobile, his call gets cross connected to some other lady. They still keep on talking. They start liking each other. And finally they get married. What MORAL do u get??? An IDEA can change your wife.

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "my friend is dead! What can i do?" The operator says: "calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "Ok, now what?"

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move. "You know," says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not returnable.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.'

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days.

Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai. Man : Hoga, zarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.

What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE ? In both case you feel "aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta"

Ek admi sadhu se bola, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao. Sadhu bola, saale, upay hota to mai sadhu kyu banta?

Man runs home shouting: Pack your bags darling. I just won the 10 Million lotto. Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ? Man : Who cares ? Just pack and go back to your mother!

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. I wrote your name on my heart, And I got a heart attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi. He saw me in dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

IT IS NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF SENIOR CITIZENS - YOU MIGHT JUST HAPPEN TO BE ONE.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the Kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don' t know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

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