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-895350-89535011PART 2190509588500CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTNERNever SettleFirst off, let me start by saying there is never a sure fire way of picking or choosing the right or so called perfect partner.You never really know a person until you’ve actually spent some time with him or her. This time should be spent listening to and observing that particular individual.Observation is the best method of getting to know someone. When using the observation method, you get to see how a person truly reacts and/or responds to others in certain circumstances in real time. I hear a lot of people say that sitting down and talking to someone face to face is the best way to get to know them, but everyone knows that people love to embellish and leave out unflattering tidbits about their self. Have you ever embellished or know someone who has?When getting to know someone verbally, you only get to know or learn the side of them that they want you to know. They often leave out important key facts that would give you a clear understanding of who they really are. This is unfair especially when considering or choosing a lifelong partner. In reality don’t you wish that all their qualities good and bad was laid out on the table for all to see? This would make your decision much easier and faster than it would if you were to do an observation which could take months or even years before they start to show their true colors. 476251079500Let’s face it, no one is going to tell you that they stalked their last boyfriend or girlfriend. No one is going to tell you they molest children. No one is going to tell you they’re an alcoholic or that they’re abusive, no one is going to tell you they’re still harassing and obsessing over their child’s father or mother. These are things you learn by observation and or spending time with him/her. Pay attention to red flags.Jumping right into a relationship with someone you know by face; from school, work, church or around the block could be a total disaster and waste of time. Just because you THINK you know a person doesn’t mean you really know that person. I’m skeptical when I hear someone say, “I’ve known him for years,” only because that person lived on his or her block for ten years, then five years later you see him on the news for murder… Did you really know him? Or you thought you knew him? Here’s a real misconception, they say opposites attract; but that could be far from the truth when it comes to a long term relationship. Don’t let anyone trick you into believing that opposites always attract. If you believe that, it only means that somewhere down the line someone in the relationship is going to end up very unhappy for settling. After all, you’re waiting for a soul mate, not soul opposite. It’s better to nip settling for less in the bud ASAP. Just because someone has habits you don’t like doesn’t mean they’re bad habits, they’re just habits that are not compatible for you or your standards. For someone else, they may love that person’s habits or even share the same ones. EXAMPLE 1:Opposites Don’t Always AttractIf you don’t like the smell of marijuana or cigarettes, don’t settle for dating a man or woman who smokes just because they’re nice or is showing interest in you. Old habits die hard.253572655500If you engage in a relationship with that person, you’ll only end up disliking one another in the long run. You’ll get fed up with the smell of smoke and the fact that it takes your breath away, makes your clothes and furniture smell, not to mention cost a fortune and causes lung cancer. Soon you’ll start dictating to him or her your dislike for the smell of smoke. Then you’ll start suggesting ways for that person to stop smoking which will eventually turn into nagging in their eyes. They’re going to eventually break their silence and say, “You knew I was a smoker when we met or when we hooked up.” And guess what? It’s true, you knew but you still decided to settle. Now you’ve wasted your time and his/hers. 260351336040If the person is considerate, he/she will compromise. They will step outside to have a smoke and never do it around you. In this case the relationship may work. If the other person is willing to compromise; anything is possible. If not, you know what to do.EXAMPLE 2:Settling for someone who is a neat freak or is obsessive compulsive They may think it’s cute when you leave the milk carton out on the counter or out of place in the refrigerator (at first). 313372548577500They may even think it’s cute when you leave an item or two out of place throughout the house, but after a while, selfish and inconsiderate things you do will start to get annoying, uncomfortable and too much too bear. Things that was once cute has now turned into things that makes that person’s skin crawl. Soon unspoken hatred starts to set in, and things go from 0 to 100 real fast and take a turn for the worse, especially in a long term relationship. If you want a relationship like this one to work, there has to be some serious compromising going on 24/7 which could be tiring for both partners depending on who’s doing the compromising. -28575323278500EXAMPLE 3:The Odd CoupleWhen someone who is loud and obnoxious tries to date someone who is reserved and conservative, it can get a bit overwhelming for the reserved conservative partner. In private the odd couple may get along just fine but in a public setting things could get extremely embarrassing for the conservative partner. Soon public outings will become less and less, leaving the free spirited partner with tons of questions as to why the other partner doesn’t want to go out with him or her anymore. Once true feeling come out, the first thing out of his or her mouth will be, “You knew I was like this when you met me.” We must learn to nip things in the bud and move on in our lives when the puzzle pieces don’t fit. Everyone’s time is valuable and we have to learn to be considerate of time that others can’t get back. A lot of the time we settle into relationships for the wrong reasons. See if any of these sound familiar? If they do, discuss a few of those reasons with your mate, then explain why you wasted that person’s time. Here are a few that are common and extremely uncalled for:Lazy Lover – Comfortable in the relationship and will accept anything their partner puts them through.Rebound – found it easier to get over someone by getting under someone else. The monkey bar relationship – someone afraid of being alone and will jump from one relationship to another.The Clinger – a person who doesn’t know how to let go. She/he is afraid of letting it burn or going through the emotional stress of the breakup, which is still going to happen anyways and is going to hurt even more as time passes. Embarrassed – People may get the notion he/she was dumped. Dump him before he dumps you.Revenge or Vengeful – Dates someone just to get back at someone else. Try’s to stick around to keep others from having a chance to date him/her just to prove they can have that person whenever they want.For the sake of my kids – people who are selfish and are in it for their self but will say it is for the kids. Children don’t need to witness two people faking a relationship, bickering, fighting, arguing or the father yo-yo’ing in and out of the household whenever he wants. Children are smarter than you think and most of the time they know when they’re being used, they just don’t know how to express what’s going on.Financial Gain – These types of people date for beneficial purposes or financial gain. The so called Users! Social Status – Dates someone to gain favor, recognition or popularity.Those where just a few examples as to why you should not settle in relationships; that is if you don’t want to waste your time, if you don’t mind go ahead and see where it goes.PART 2 ACTIVITY #1If you were ever in a relationship that didn’t last, write a summary of how you knew it was a situation where you were settling. What did you have to do to get out of the situation? Did you try to make it last and ended up regretting it? Click or tap here to enter text.PART 2 ACTIVITY #2Write down how, when, where and why you chose your current mate. Does any of those answers match any of the above Reasons Why People Settle? Then, ask yourself, does my mate benefit me in a positive way? How, where and when did you meet your partner or potential mate?Click or tap here to enter text. What qualities made you choose your mate?Click or tap here to enter text.Does your mate put your needs before his/her own when needed, or is there room for improvement?Click or tap here to enter text.Does your partner have empathy on you? Can he/she tell when you’re hurting inside or is emotionally stressed? What does he/she do to help?Click or tap here to enter text.The best way of assuring you end up with someone that could turn out to be a great candidate for a long term relationship is to date based on compatibility. The only time that opposites in a relationship might work is if one of the partners is shy and passive and needs a stronger partner to be his or her voice. They complement each other or complete a whole. They give one another balance without stepping on each other’s toes or taking advantage of the other one’s weaknesses. Take the time to get to know someone you may be interested in. Hang out with others and do things that will allow you to see what that person’s personality is like in real time. This is why social media dating is dangerous. You never know who’s on the other side of that keyboard/monitor.Never jump into a relationship, and always ask important questions even if he or she is not straight forward, that way when the truth comes out you’ll start to lift the veil on his or her true identity. Let them know up front what type of person you are, but never tell them what type of person you’re looking for because they just might play the role you want until they’ve hooked you. -2857571628000Try to see your future partner as a male or female version of you. Hang out with people who have the same interests, goals, and ambitions. You don’t have to have the same types of personalities; but at least share some common interest and moral views. Your king or queen could be right up under your nose. As a Minister, moral views are the number one deal breaker for me. No matter what your moral values are, when they match up things tend to go a little bit smoother. Morally and ethically you must see eye to eye. He or she may lack morals you hold to be important to the way you live your life, and there’s no compromising that, ever. Then there are those who’s morals and standards may be set a little too high for you, if this is the case get out while you can unless you’re willing to make some major changes. Whether good or bad, morally most people are set in their ways and trying to change them will only change how they feel about you, whether they tell you or not.For Example: There are those who don’t know or understand what the word family means. As an adult no longer cleaving to his or her mother, he or she needs to start living a life that is designed around the things he or she is interested in and what he or she wants to building for the future, even when mom and dad is no longer in the picture or has passed on. -28575164147500If you run into an adult who depends on his/her parents to guide them, they are still immature whether they want to admit it or not. They’re immature and can’t see it from someone else’s point of view. We see it because we’re on the outside looking in. They may not be ready for the big world of decision making, no matter how old they are. If he or she is maturing, they may have to rely on their parents or you to guide them, which is fine if you’re mature enough and is willing to compromise and grow with him or her. This will not be an easy task especially when they’re adults because they THINK they already know the essentials, but they have no idea and refuse to admit that they’re clueless.-156210186372500If you are virtuous and understand the meaning and concept of life, and is willing to guide them into a better future this can be great! But if not, please don’t try to come between a person who is still learning or cleaving to his or her parents; he or she may not be ready for the full responsibility of adulthood and decision making. He or she may still need some more time in the nest.It’s ok to hold on to traditions and values that are worthy of passing down to your new family which consist of your husband/wife and the children. You will become a new household and must make rational mature decisions as one and live your own lives. Also do and plan things your household will enjoy.There is a reason why in most cases the in-laws are seen as an inference in a couple’s relationship and lifestyle. For instance, when family gathering become unbearable and uncomfortable due aggressive, bossy in-laws or invitations that have been extended to your exes, children’s mothers or fathers because they’ve remained friends with your relatives, it’s time to skip the gatherings and start your own traditions with your immediate family/household and invite your loved ones. Let your relatives know that they’ve put you in an uncomfortable situation and to respect your new relationship the same way they would their own. 285751270000As YOUR relatives, when you move on from someone you’ve dated or have a child with, so should they. This doesn’t mean cutting them off, it just means to show some respect, and plan carefully during events and gatherings, especially if children are involved. As a co-parent you may opt to bring your own child(ren) to your relative’s gatherings, but the other parent should visit when you and your new mate is not around or expected, unless it’s ok for all parties involved to attend and the situation has been confirmed by all. -16192545339000Your ex is your ex, you’ve severed ties with that person for a reason, so don’t allow them to get too comfortable with your relatives…its weird. No one wants to show up at their relative’s house and there’s exes everywhere! Also let your family know how weird and uncomfortable it is, and be firm so they’ll take you serious. Let them know it’s either you or your ex, and mean it. Your ex has a family, let them hangout with their own family and friends. I’m sure they had them before they met your relatives. When they show more interest in your family than they do their own it means they have some sort of motive or hidden agenda. They just might be the type that likes chaos or to stir up confusion. Beware of those who manipulate drama just to keep up gossip in order to have something to talk about. Everybody else’s business is always a topic of their conversation. We all have them in our family. Your sister wouldn’t invite her child’s father to a family gathering if she has a new partner she’s serious about, especially if they’ve been known to have drama or issues of infidelity, and your father wouldn’t invite his ex-wife to his birthday party that his new wife is hosting. Sometimes spiteful or inconsiderate people will do things in your relationship they wouldn’t dare think of doing in their own.Host your own gatherings and invite your relatives and friends that respect your new union. Don’t let your relatives and friends ruin your vision of a perfect union, especially when you’ve found the right one. This is all part of growing up and becoming an adult. You MUST make adult decisions and demand respect. It’s time to set guidelines and boundaries when it comes to friends and relatives. If you don’t respect the union and nip things in the bud when problems and disrespect arise, neither will they. They will get the unspoken notion that you’re ok with the disrespect, or that you’re not serious about your new found relationship. Don’t compromise your relationship for someone that can’t stand with you before God and witnesses at the alter and kiss you on your lips when the minister says, “You may now kiss the bride.” At this point, and as an adult, the only ones that matter and have your best interest at heart is you and your partner, and maybe your parents. -19050209931000When you run into a partner or potential partner whose relatives and friends are displaying rude, manipulative, or covert acts of disrespect within the union, and your partner is continuously allowing it to happen knowing it bothers you, don’t settle. It’s easier to walk away from a person who is immature and is still cleaving to his/her mother and other relatives than it is to come between them. If you try you will only stir up a hornets’ nest of vindictive relatives and friends waiting to attack you spiritually and emotionally for their own personal reasons or gain. Sometimes your partner will unknowingly assist in the foolishness by going back and talking about things that go on behind closed doors, and in turn gossipers will use that against you and your relationship leaving you looking like a fool and feeling vulnerable. If your mate can’t keep his/her mouth closed about what goes on behind closed doors you will continue to have problems until he or she comes to his or her senses and realize where the problems and gossip is stemming from. When there are issues that can’t be resolved, ask your partner to put his/herself in your shoes. How would he or she feel? If they say they wouldn’t care, chances are they don’t care, nor do they care about your feelings or the relationship, and more than likely you don’t share the same moral values. Get over it and move on.Let’s move on to Part 3 ................
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