Layla Hudson
Layla Hudson
Ms. VanBeest
Comp. 102
October 15, 2012
Ignorance in Stereotypes
This world is full of stereotypes and I am sure you fall into a few of them. Just what exactly is a stereotype? Katz and Braly define it best, “a stereotype is a fixed impression, which conforms very little to the fact that it pretends to represent, and results from our defining first and observing second” (qtd. in Mackie 1). People let this define who they are, they simply want to fit in and be accepted amongst their peers. They lose their self identity as if it has no meaning. My late middle school years up until now in my twenties, I was categorized into “the druggie” stereotype; which I will get into later. However, I did not let this define me; I was everything the stereotype wasn’t.
I will begin with some background so you can get a feel for where I come from; it will also allow you to categorize me and learn otherwise along the way. Mom and Dad divorced when I was about five and my sister Jamie was two. Mom lived with a series of men and we lived with dad. Because my parents are addicts and dad is an alcoholic on top of it, I became the adult in the house. I was taking care of Jamie and my pathetic grown ass dad. I was the one making sure I knew where Jamie was at all times and having her homework done and whatnot; it got to be too much, that I started up counseling at the age of 13 to handle being the adult of the house.
I remember the instant when I realized I had to take charge and be there as a parent-figure to Jamie. That day was when Jamie, Dad, and I were at the store and she looked at me and asked if she could have something off the shelf. Of course, back then I was slightly haste toward her because her question did not make sense to me at the time. I thought to myself “why the hell is she asking me, I’m not paying for this.” I asked my sister how she viewed me as a parent figure and she responded, “I saw you as my role model because even though you didn’t directly punish me, you told on me when I did something. You were concerned to make sure I was on the right path” (Hudson). I still feel pressured today even though mom is now in the picture, I constantly get on moms case to punish her more effectively.
When it came to taking care of dad, I was keeping the house from burning down. Many people think of the stereotype Hollywood imprints in our minds of addicts living in a dirty small broken down house; that was not the case. We moved into a brand new average-sized house. We never struggled with money and were always fed and slightly more spoiled than the rest of the kids. Because my dad kept us fed, clothed, and in school he felt he did not have a problem with his addictions.
I was doing some research and found a PDF about studies involving parents who do drugs. One case study stood out to me because it was so relatable to my experience growing up. As mentioned before, dad always had the bills paid and kept us fed which led him to believe he did not have a problem. A woman named Nadine from the case study, Parents who use drugs: Accounting for damage and its limitation said,
I always try to keep it as normal as possible. You know, there was, the bills were always paid first. The shopping was always done. You know, I always tried to make sure that there was always electricity and gas and food and trips to the park. (4)
This was totally dad, minus the part about taking us to the park. I did not think there were too many functioning addicts, as they are called, but yet I never gave it much thought.
I will move on to some stereotypes I came across in my research about people who grow up with a household such as I did. According to , they generalize us in ways that do and do not fit me. Now when I say “us” and “we,” I mean us people raised in addictive homes. Psychologist Janet Woititz has a book about children being the adult of the house and her findings say that we “have to guess what normal behaviour is in many situations.” This I found for the most part true when pertaining to me. Because I see the world so differently, I find myself acting “weird” in given situations with my peers. It probably explains the mohawk and pink hair.
She also states that we “are self-judgmental.” This is extremely true in my case. I am constantly critiquing myself to the point it drives me crazy and I have no reason for it. I am so focused on not being like my parents I take it overboard and cause significant unneeded stress on my end. However, I find that her statement saying we “are impulsive” to not pertain to me. I actually am the opposites extreme; I think through every possible outcome, no matter how irrational, to a given situation before acting because impulsive actions can lead to devastation. I was a parent my whole life, and acting on impulse could have messed things up tremendously (Levin).
I want to move on now to how I am seen in the world with a simple overlook of my visual appearance. Society saw me as a “druggie” and a trouble maker. They saw this because I wore skinny jeans, black shirts, I listened to loud music, I skateboarded, and had pink hair when it was not a mohawk. I hung around the other kids that skate and yes they did do drugs and had criminal records, so the community assumed I was in shackles right there with them. I remember the other kids’ parents telling them to stay away from me. Granted I grew up in a small town so the people around there knew of my dads habits, so they did not want their kids in our house.
Little did these ignorant people know, during my high school career I was an active volunteer. Over the course of four years I accumulated just shy of 1000 hours of volunteer service. I spent my weekends helping the community while others were pounding down saltines to absorb the alcohol from the night before. Watching dad destroy not only himself, but everyone around him, I felt the urge to get out of the house and do some good for other people who are willing to accept my help.
I pushed my sister into volunteer work because I saw the crowd she was starting to get comfortable with. I did not approve of her choice of friends or her current behavior of experimenting with drugs, especially at such a young age. I understand 15 year olds are curious but why would she do this, I never did this; she saw what dad was doing not only to himself but to everyone around him. So I asked her. She simply stated “I experimented with drugs and alcohol because I was bored with my life” (Hudson). That statement I do not feel is the whole truth but I accepted it.
Through all of this time, almost every night I would hear dad fall as I lay in bed, I would then have to get up to put him in bed safely. One particular night in 2009 he fell and I had enough; I was not going to get up, screw him. But after 2 minutes passed he did not get up. Pissed off, I threw the blankets off and stormed out to see him at the bottom of two flights of stairs. I asked if he was ok, he wasn’t. I tried lifting all 110 pounds of him but could not do it. I knew it was bad now. Hysterically I ran outside at midnight across the street to find my neighbor. He could not understand my words but knew something serious happened. He ran through my garage to the bottom of the stairs to dad.
My neighbor could not move him and called the police. His fall resulted in a shattered hip. He lost his job and sat at the house for the next two years. Mom and her boyfriend had just broken up and she had nowhere to go so she moved in our basement to take care of all three of us. During this time we had to tend to his needs, after all those years taking care of him I now have to actually tend to him. I wanted to scream at him every day when he asked for a favor.
Most people probably see me as an absolute terrible person for being so haste to help him when he actually needed me, but that is not how I felt. If people saw their parents fall they would probably want to help them and be happy to do it. Not me. I have been taking care of him for twenty years and I was done.
As time went on and Dad’s leg slowly healed, he had developed lung cancer in 2011. The treatments drained all of his savings and retirement funds, making the household even more tense on top of having your ex-wife living in the basement. One day in 2012 I was working in Colorado and got a call from Jamie saying dad is paralyzed from the waist down. I hurried home and the doctor had said the cancer ate his spine away and he had a month left.
Visiting him every day in the hospital I tried getting him to talk, he was always absent in our lives I figured he would talk now. I was wrong. While he slept though, I forgave him. People find it jaw dropping to hear but as every day passed I was hoping today was the day. I had so much anger toward him I was looking forward to his death; I needed to release all that anger when he was to pass. Most families hold on to the false reality of a fairytale of them getting better and being ignorant to the reality of the situation.
A week went by with him holding on and we moved him to Hospice where he had the flat screen he always dreamed of. I would give anything to see his face that was so full of light seeing that room he would finish his last hours in, just one more time. I sat there watching him for hours, unconscious. Around seven p.m. he began making those gurgle noises you make before you die and I knew this was it. He took his last breath and I cried out with all the anger I had and held him. Jamie soon walked in, I stood up and she became lifeless in my arms. I believe my dad’s emotional neglect led me to be the drug/alcohol free strong woman I am today. It has been two months since his passing and I miss him every day. I hope you will not be so quick to assume someone is who you think they are, after all, you most likely do not even know your true self.
Works Cited
Hudson, Jamie. E-mail interview. 9 Oct. 2012.
Levin, Lisa. “Adult children of alcoholics and drug addicts; consequences of suppressed childhood memories; role alcoholic family.” . 22 Apr. 2010. Web. October 14, 2012.
Mackie, Diane, et al. “Stereotypes: Static Abstractions or Dynamic Knowledge Structures?” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 91.5 (2006): 1. Print.
Rhodes, Tim, et al. “Parents who use drugs: Accounting for damage and its limitation.” Social Science and Medicine 71 (2010): 4. Print.
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