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KITCHEN SECRETS(Lights up on the dining room table. MAMA BEE puts a pie down in between all of her family. Everyone is overjoyed!)MAMA BEEAlright, everybody! Who saved room for dessert? BOAw, here it comes! Mama’s Famous Pumpkin pie!MOEMake room everybody. Oldest gets the first pieceBOI think the youngest does. MAUREENI think the only girl gets the first slice!BO, JO, MAUREENDaddy?DADDY… Ladies first. MAUREENYou heard Daddy, Bo. Ladies first! I’ll get second. Besides I need to make sure I’m refining my tastebuds for it, because Mama told me I was gonna inherit the secret family recipe someday!BOYou couldn’t make a pie like this even if you changed your name to Betty Crocker.MAUREENYou’re just mad that once Mama’s gone—MAMA BEEHey, now!MAUREENA long, long time from now, Mama! But once she’s gone, you’ll have to depend on me for your pumpkin pie addiction. MOEOh, I don’t think so! I’ll lick a frog’s foot before I have to come crawling to you. Mama, Susie here can make just about any recipe you put in front of her. I don’t think it’s fair that Maureen should get the recipe just because she’s the girl! Shoot! It’s downright sexist. MAMA BEEYou think it’s sexist… that I don’t give your wife the recipe so she can work herself to death on a pie that she doesn’t even like, so that you… you… have something to hold over your sister.MOEDang straight! SUSIE(Pulling him down into her lap.)It’s a good thing you’re pretty. BONo, he is right, Mama! It is sexist! I cook for myself just as much as any a’y’all and I deserve to treat myself to one of your pumpkin pies whenever I so please. MAMA BEEOh, hush! Y’all know I don’t write down any of my recipes—I cook from memory.MOEWell surely you have some idea of the measurements!MAMA BEEI don’t measure anything! I just eye-ball it. MAUREENThat’s okay, Mama, I’ll just learn it the next time you make one—how ‘bout that? BOI’ll come, too. I’ve been jonesing for some quality mother-son time. MOEWell, we’ll be there, too!SUSIEWe will? MOECome on, baby, let’s roast these fools!SUSIEAlright… But only if you wear an apron.MOEWhatever turns your oven on… I’m yours! (They do a fancy handshake. MAMA walks away and begins writing.)SUSIEYou’re going down, clowns!MAUREENMama, Daddy! Get control of your sons, please! I wanna enjoy my pie in peace! BOOh, she’s just scared of a little competition.MAUREENLittle? It’s been a long time since your waistline could be called little, Little Brother!BOHey, now!(Chaos erupts. Everyone screaming over one another. MAMA BEE finishes writing and comes back to the group!)MAMA BEEHey. Hey! HEYYYYYYYYYYYY! Now, that’s enough. MOE(Squealing.)Maureen’s being mean to me! (MAMA claps her hand over MOE’s mouth.)MAMA BEEHush! Now, I’m gonna settle this once and for all. I’ve written it down to the best of my ability. Now I’ve got a copy for each of you! Now, I don’t wanna hear anything else about it. MOEWell, that sounds like a challenge to me. BOAccepted. MAUREENGame on… only it won’t be much of a challenge beating you two in the kitchen. BOOh, we’ll see about that. MAUREENYes, we will. SUSIE and MOEYes. We. Will! BOSee you next Sunday… Losers!(MOE, BO, MAUREEN and SUSIE exit in opposite directions.) DADDYWell that sure bought us some peace and quiet for a week or so. MAMA BEEOh, honey. It’s a good thing you’re pretty. (They laugh.)BOStop hogging the whisk!MAUREENKeep your eyes on your own pie!BOI’ll keep my eyes on my own pie when you stop trying to sabotage my crust. MAUREENI’m didn’t sabotage your crust! You did that all on your own! And besides, you’re just jealous my pumpkin smells so delicious. BOUnlike your breath!MOEHold your breath, Suz! I’m opening the oven, Suz! SUSIEDon’t worry I’m won’t! Seeing you in that apron already took my breath away!MOEDon’t make fun of me! I only put this on, ‘cause you wanted me to! SUSIEIt wasn’t so much that I wanted to see you putting it on… so much as taking it off!(MOE whips his head back to her, and SUSIE giggles.)MOE… The pie can wait!(They run out of their kitchen.)MAMA BEENow where are those youngin’s? They were supposed to be here at twelve on the dot! Come now on, y’all, it’s dinner time! MOE, BO, and MAUREENHi, Mama!(They look at each other.)I brought a pie. MAUREENMoe. MOE & SUSIEBo.BOMaureeeeeeeen… MAMA BEENow, y’all. Your Daddy and I talked about it. And we’re not gonna have any fussing and fighting like we did last week. We’re just gonna have a nice, calm Sunday dinner, got it? SUSIEThat sounds so nice, Miss Ellis. Only… MOEWe’ve been talking.BOAnd we wanna settle this.MAUREENSo we’re having a pie eating contest.SUSIE, MOE, BO, and MAUREENToday. MAUREENAnd Daddy’s gonna be the judge. DADDYI, what?!? I didn’t ask for none of this. MAUREEN(Putting a napkin around his neck.)Don’t worry, Daddy, all you gotta do is tell us which one tastes more like Mama’s. BO(Putting a fork in his hand.)And don’t feel like you need to play favorites. MOE(Pouring him a glass of water.)We’ll still love you even if you dash our hopes and dreams.SUSIE(Bringing him a tray with three slices of pie.)I’m really sorry about this. I’m just wanted to see your son in an apron. MOEAnd oven mitts! SUSIENot in front of your Mama! DADDYWell, alright… Y’all give me some room. Let me undo my britches.BO and MAUREENDaddy!MOE(Covering Susie’s eyes with his oven mitted hand.)Not at the kitchen table! DADDY(He picks a slice.)Slice number one. BO(Whispering to MAMA BEE.)That’s mine, Mama! I didn’t know you how much cinnamon you put in your pumpkin pie! Cheese and crackers, it was a lot. MAMA BEEThat’s because it’s the secret ingredient, baby. I didn’t tell anybody, but you! You didn’t put too much in, did you—DADDYOoh! Huh! That one’ll sure wake you up… but uh… there’s something I can’t quite place. MOEBut does it taste like, Mama’s! DADDYNope. Not even close. On to slice number, two! SUSIE(Whispering to MAMA BEE.)That’s us! That’s us!MOEKeep cool. We don’t want to tip the scale for Daddy’s girl over there! Hey, Mama! We didn’t know you used nutmeg in your pie. We had to run to the store to find some! MAMA BEEOh, really? Yep! I always keep it, but y’all keep it to yourselves. That’s the secret ingredient and I only told y’all! SUSIEOh! Got it.MOEYour secret’s safe with us!(They both mime zipping their lips and high-five with oven-mitt-gloved hands.)DADDYYikes! Is that nutmeg? SUSIE and MOEUhmmm…..DADDYI can’t stand the taste of nutmeg. This one’s even worse than the first.MAUREENHa! I told y’all. Try number three, Daddy!(To MAMA BEE.)I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when I win. The secret ingredient was the fresh ginger, wasn’t it? I never would have guessed, but then there it was. MAMA BEEYes, but don’t tell your brothers. I—MAUREENOnly told me? I knew it! You are sneaky-sneaky, woman! I love it!DADDYHooo! That’s got kick. It’s… spicy? I don’t know what y’all put in these pies… but it sure wut’n what your Mama uses.MAUREENYou gotta be kidding me! Let me taste that. (She sticks a finger in her pie and tastes it. Her eyes get huge.)Oh, no!DADDYWell? MAUREENI know, I know… It’s a good thing I’m pretty.MOEI don’t understand what could’ve happened!MAMA BEEWell you know how these spices are. Even just different brands taste so different.BOWell where do you get your cinnamon? MOECinnamon, I think you mean nutmeg. MAUREENOh, shove it, you dummies, it’s fresh ginger! That’s the secret ingredi—oops! BO, MOE, and MAUREENMamma! MAMA BEEAlright! Alright, you caught me! I didn’t tell any of you the real recipe, but… I don’t get to see you all that much… You’re so busy with school, and you’re busy with work, and y’all are just… busy. So I just thought…. Well, if you can make your pie own, what d’you need me for? BOMama… SUSIEDon’t say that. MOEWe’re always gonna like your pie better. BOWe aren’t gonna stop coming over because we can have it more often. MAUREENNo… we’re just gonna get fat. MAMA BEEReally? MOEReally. MAMA BEEWell, that just makes everything feel, alright, doesn’t it? I guess I can tell y’all the secret ingredient now after all. If you really wanna know…MOE, SUSIE, BO, and MAUREENWe do! MAMAWell y’all listen close now. The real secret ingredient… the thing that makes the pie taste so good… the shining star that makes it go from yummy to slap-your-mama-good… it’s the simplest thing in the world.BOWhat is it? MAMAOne heaping spoonful… of love! ................
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