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STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTERS - 2011

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

December 2010 Volume 9, Issue 114

BUY YOURSELF A HOLIDAY GIFT—THE GIFT OF PEACE OF MIND

Okay, it’s true. I’m not much of a salesperson. I never push my books even though I have five of them written about the topic of straight/gay marriages. I believe that when people are ready to read the truth, they’ll have a mini-library of Bonnie Kaye books to collect. But the one book that I wish my readers would buy is my book “Straight Talk” which is a collection of my best newsletters from the time I started writing them nearly 10 years ago. This is my favorite book because I cover almost every issue that you, the straight wife, are facing in life. There is also a section of letters from women experiencing exactly what you are going through no matter who you are or where you live. Women who have read this book have written to me about the comfort they feel after they read it because it gives them the clarity and validation that were searching for throughout the process of Gay Husband Discovery and Gay Husband Recovery. So if you want to give yourself a present this month, please buy this book. You’ll find it the best gift of sanity that you can buy. You can order it via my website at . You’ll be thanking me after you read it!

HI HO THE MISTLETOE

Once again, the holiday season is upon us. To all of the members of my support network—the wonderful women and the conscionable gay men, let me wish you a peaceful holiday season. I think it would be callous of me to say a “happy” holiday because that would be really stretching it for too many of you who are in the midst of “holiday turmoil” trying to figure out how to “fake it” so you can “make it” through another holiday season without yelling out “Bah Humbug.”

To those of you who are either lingering in your state of “limbo” or making plans for your future freedom, the “ho, ho, ho’s” of the season must feel pretty flat. That’s how I used to feel during the holidays when I was married to my gay husband--looking around at all of the beauty of the season while lingering in the ugliness of my home life.

The good news is that many of you have moved on to a better place and space. I know you have because I read letters daily from women who now see how wonderful life can be when they stop dancing in what my co-therapist Misti calls the “circle of crazy.” Once you remove the distorted illusions that make you feel like you’re living in the world of Alice in Wonderland, you’ll realize that the sun really does rise every morning and sets at the end of the day. As simple as that statement may sound, when you’re living in a world of entrapment, you even question the simplest concepts like that.

So, here is my holiday message to all of you that I like to bring home as much as possible. Please make it your daily mantra:

Life was never meant to be this complicated.

It’s a simple statement. It explains every question you have ever written to me about. No matter where you stand in the pool of murkiness, barely floating or drowning, this is the answer to all of you who have doubts. There are some of you who continue to linger in the shadows of the valley of doubt. No proof yet. No proof maybe ever. I say the ONLY proof you need is that you’re not happy or fulfilled in your marriage.

There are so many other issues that will come up in life that will be complicated that you’ll be forced to face. These issues include health issues, financial problems, and mother/fatherhood. These are the problems all of us have limited control over. But marriage to a gay husband? That you have control over.

How many of you reading this newsletter can look back to last year’s holiday season and say, “I am still in the same place I was last year”? Yikes--that means you have lost another year of your life that you can never get back. But at the same time, look how many of you can say, “What a difference a year makes” because you moved ahead in your lives and took your life back. There are many of you. I know this from my support chat and support network.

For those of you still living in “ limbo land,” realize that you are in a better place than many other women because at least you have the courage to read my words each month. That says a lot for you. It says that you are refusing to give up the battle and throw in the towel. It says that in time, you will be free. You won’t have to keep worrying about crushing those eggshells you are walking on each day. No more “gaylighting” from husbands who would rather make you think you are crazy than to accept the responsibility of loving you enough to tell you the truth about their homosexuality. No more confusion about the “problems” in your marriage that YOU are accused of creating. No more wondering why your husband would prefer not to touch you than to touch you. No more making excuses for medications causing him erectile dysfunction while he is watching gay porno on the Internet. No more anti-depressants to even out your mental state so you can survive on a day to day without being able to move out of bed. Yep—the “freedom train” is a runnin’, and you just have to take a leap of faith to get on board. You may have missed the train leaving today, but there’s always a new train running tomorrow. Make a plan to you can schedule a seat for yourself. That’s the best holiday gift you can give yourself. Never believe it can’t happen—if you want it, it will happen.

For all of my women who are spending their first or second holidays alone, expect to feel twinges of sadness. That’s NORMAL. Some of you had wonderful marriages and miss what you had. Others had horrible marriages but still miss what they wanted to have. The first year or two is a “getting over the hump” holiday period. This is a time for you to make what Misti calls “new traditions.” Do something totally different to take your mind off of what you used to do. Volunteer for the day somewhere that will make you feel valuable like in a hospital or shelter. If you’re artistic, create something beautiful that will make you feel good. I am so, so amazed at how many unbelievable artists there are in this group. I am always in awe when I see your beautiful creations. I’m also so jealous, and I’m the first to admit it! Rent some comedies to watch on the holiday that will make you laugh. Take on a new project that you’ve been putting off for a while just to distract you. Try to make this holiday about YOU and not about HIM.

At the start of the New Year, I would like to give special thanks to a few people who make this work so much more valuable to me. First, I thank my co-therapist Misti who really is there for our women. Misti has a calming influence on many of our women who need an advocate in restoring what was lost to them. Misti donates hours of her time each week working to better the quality of life to our ladies. Next, I thank my true hero, Doug, who is always there to help any man or woman through this time. Doug’s wisdom, support, and articulation of the situation have made the road a smoother one for people in turmoil. Doug is a true blessing to all of us. I can call on him anytime to help anyone who is in need of support, and he is there immediately. I’d like to thank my women who come to my support chat. Some of you are there as advocates to our newer women. All of you show me week in and out how strong you can be.

I would also like to thank the women who continue to contribute to my monthly newsletter with your stories so that other women can feel they are not alone. A special thanks to Wendy for her lists these years. So many women felt the disconnect that Wendy wrote about. Also, a special thanks to our women who have called into our weekly Straight Wives radio show to share their stories. It always is a pleasure to have you join us and express your feelings.

Thank all of you who send me letters of thanks and appreciation. It always validates the work that I do to help our women move out of the dark and into the light. And don’t forget—a New Year is dawning. It’s a time for a renewal of hope. Without hope, there can be no progress. Keep moving “straight” ahead!

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

My 2 cents worth: I think kids now a days are a lot more savvy and tolerant of the gay acceptance, than the older generation.

Besides, children are the first to know when there is trouble w/ the parents marriage. Their family's survival is dependent on the marriage being intact. My kids already suspected about their dad and were not shocked or very upset, at all. Their dad is their dad, straight or gay.  For their purposes they still have their dad and don't really put too much stock into his private, sex life. It was like: "We know dad, and we don't care."  These kids were late teens and early 20's, so a certain amount of maturity was on their side.

Plus, my being raised in a loving and caring family, definitely helped. It was me, the mom/wife who did the suffering and angst. Most importantly, it was the deception that devastated me. 25 years of marriage, I wondered what else he might be hiding .

Trust melted like butter.  I clung to the "Serenity prayer," and then on to re-invent myself and being single, again. It was way, way much easier for the kids to accept and move on. For all rights and purposes they still have their dad.

Diana, "Blew out of the water," in Washington.     

Bonnie, 

Thanks as always for the wonderful support and expertise you so selflessly share. You helped me tremendously one desperate lonely lost weekend about 3 years back. I will always be eternally grateful that you were there - instantaneously - to answer my initial email and all the follow-ups that weekend. In January it will be 5 years since my divorce. My ex paid me maintenance for just 4 years, complaining bitterly the entire time - after 34 years of marriage, 38 years together all told. Now as of Sept.1 he is retired and has moved across the country to CA with his wife. I am turning 60 today. For 60 years we have lived in the same city, whether we moved or not we were always in the same place. Now all I know is he is living in CA - somewhere. I shouldn't even care. It just feels weird. I am writing in response to the folks who say we must have known they were gay before marrying these men. I was 12 years old when I met him, 15 when we started going together. He presented himself as a strong virile young man. I came from a home with an abusive, authoritarian, brutal father. This young man was my knight in shining armor - the one I always dreamt about as a little girl - the one who would come and save me from the monster in our house.

As I said, he was strong and virile, a talented gymnast. He was attentive and protective. I fell in love. He said he loved me too and soon we couldn't keep our hands off each other.  Being good Catholic kids we never went  "all the way" but we sure came close many times. He went away to college, for 3 years we lived for the weekends every 4-6 weeks when he could come home. Summer before his senior year we wed. I remember worrying the week before the wedding that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle his needs if they were nightly - I thought I would become exhausted. But I decided to just do the best I could to keep up with him. Starting with the wedding night. After 4 years of waiting, I was so expectant and ready to surrender my everything to him. Instead it turned out to be a confusing painful obligatory kind of experience. Our 2-week honeymoon was cut in half because he couldn't wait to get back to our apartment and his senior year of school. So we struggled through that first year, both of us in school and working and me always waiting, trying to be the perfect wife - but he wanted nothing to do with sex with me except on rare occasion when he would give in. After long nights of studying he would turn his back to my attempts. He would berate me for having something wrong with me because he said I wanted it all the time – but in reality he rejected me night after night - I was just trying to please him, to love him, to be a good wife. Two months into our marriage during a huge fight, of which there were getting to be many, he sat crying on the bathroom floor and said we were "doomed" simply because we got married - and he said if I ever quoted him he would deny ever saying it. That it turns out was the ONLY moment of honesty in my marriage, and I was never allowed to know what he meant by it. I did bring it up, many times, and he could never tell me what he meant. If we could have continued that thought, have an actual honest conversation, we could have spared ourselves a lot of grief. But it was not to be - ever. Graduate school was more of the same but I tried to break through his tough barriers. My sexual self - esteem was nil by then. Later his constant response when I asked him what the problem was, always was "I have no problems, except you, you're my only problem." There were a few slight clues or indications during those years but he always had an explanation - school, stress, wrong number... And I always chose to believe him. To believe otherwise was just too insane...and terrifying!

Then there was sex to make babies - two, and he completed his graduate work. Inexplicably, after 9 years of neglect and rejection he evidently wanted sex, but he could never show me, approach me, sweet-talk me - nothing. Then when he would verge upon some obscure point of frustration, he would descend into what I called his "black moods". There would be terrible fighting for a week, mostly him complaining about his not getting his "just rewards". Then just as suddenly he was fine again and sorry. That went on every few months for years, yet he could never give me any insight into what was going on with him at those times - except it was always my fault in some way. So it came to a point where we had been married 32 years - I might say of hell - but at the time I wouldn't admit that to myself. I would say we loved each other, would never leave each other, could trust our lives with each other - we just couldn't really communicate very well with each other. I thought things were sometimes pretty bad but if nothing else, we were in it together - forever. That had become an integral word between us "forever", Every card was always signed with that word, for both of us. I believed it. I was naive...blind...in denial. 

In 2003 during a trip to my gynecologist, the Dr. looked at my vagina and said "Well this is viral, have you had any new partners lately?" Having only been with my husband my entire life, I thought he must be mistaken - in the end he was, a misdiagnosis - but by then my marriage was over - I just didn't want to see it. Eventually, the man I thought I knew as well as anyone could, started to spill out his secret life and I was in shock. If anyone would have asked me at that time, I would have said at worst he may have experimented with a few men in the early days of our marriage, but never, NEVER, would I have thought it was going on presently, under my nose - and I didn't know a thing. Apparently he was active in the middle of the day, taking a long lunch or whatever, but I never saw any of that.  He said he had been going to the adult bookstore and "allowing men to perform oral sex on him". I was as I said, in shock staring at the walls for days. He went so far with his sudden disastrous disclosures as to email our daughter at her workplace with those very words - followed by his 6 siblings all at their workplaces too, telling everyone he "allowed men to perform oral sex on him." His excuse to all of them was that he was sexually frustrated - I think indicating it was my fault of course.  He waited to tell our son until he graduated so as not to upset his finals, then he called him into his office and handed him the same letter he emailed everyone else. My son was devastated. His relationship with his father has never recovered - especially when my ex decided to leave me - his way of telling his son was "yep, I'm outta here! Hope we can still be friends!" His daughter, to his fortune, still tries to have some kind of relationship with him. I haven't seen him since the divorce and I know now I am better off without him. I sum it up as - I only had one man in my life - and he apparently had hundreds, so I had them all too in all honesty. That is enough men for me forever. I love much about my new life now, yet I still believe he ruined my life and destroyed our family. Me, my kids, and my new grandson are trying and succeeding at creating a new family with new traditions, but it hasn't been easy or painless.

When confessing to me, he said the oral sex happened just one time, then twice, then five times, then three or four times a year over the past 20 years and he stuck to that. I believe that is just the place he decided to hold his ground. He also stuck to saying he wasn't gay. When I said he at least had to be “bi” - he said under the circumstances he couldn't deny that. But within weeks he was denying that too. And the divorce became more and more my fault. I was never able to bring any of his perversions up during the divorce with the "no-fault" laws. So the divorce soon became only about me not earning much income since I was a stay-at-home mom and free - lance artist. Before he left me, he had met another woman online in a porn site chat group - she was from CA - and as soon as he moved out, they were flying back and forth. In 38 years together he never told me his truth, but I am quite certain that he told her all his secrets in the first 30 minutes of online conversation. At that time he told me repeatedly he now had a woman he could tell anything to!  They married just 2 months after the divorce was final. And as I said earlier, he is now retired and they moved back to her home in CA.

Since I've been on my own, many things have become clear to me. And I gain more insight every day. But it is all just conjecture since he has never told me the whole truth of his life - of MY life for 38 years - and that will nag at me the rest of my life. I have wondered just who he was now for 45 years, and it will continue to gnaw at me forever. But I believe now that in 1972 when he said our marriage was doomed simply because we got married - he had a secret - a secret that he knew doomed our marriage. And if he had that secret then - he had it before we got married! Just whom I was married to for all those years I will never know. I think back and recall his high school friends, our friends, and the guys were always single yet macho guys. His college and grad school friends were predominantly single as were his early work friends. How many of those "friends" shared a meal with me knowing something about my life that was denied to me? How many chuckled behind my back? 

Today I believe he stalks me in his own creepy way - he repeatedly checked out what my art work was depicting at local galleries, surprisingly found my blog within 10 days of it's initial publication and apparently has gotten into some other arts and social forums I have posted on. Moving to CA won't prevent that I'm afraid. His complaints of having to pay me any support hurt me deeply. One of the last things he said to me before he left was, looking me straight in the eyes, he asked me "How will you survive?" and coldly walked away. That was the man with all the secrets. That was the man I was better off without. That was the man that destroyed all our lives. Yet that is the man I cannot put a label on for some reason. Bonnie told me he was gay, straight men do not search out oral sex from other men - I believe that.  There's an aggravating part of me that can't get past the feeling of betrayal that I would be committing if I don't take his word for it, that he isn't gay. But I know better. I can no longer believe a single word he says. He exposed me to so many nasty things for all of my life. You don't do that to someone you love. In his confessional letters he constantly said he believed that IF he just did that “one thing” I would be ok - but that tells me he considered doing "other things". I know from all of my research that there are men who just get oral sex from men and they KNOW they are gay, and then there are men who tell themselves that if all they do is oral sex then they are NOT gay.  To discover you have lived a lie for all your life is devastating. It makes you feel crazy - literally. To feel like he left me for oral sex - after 38 years! - is hauntingly devastating. I'll never know who I was married to all those years or what the reality of my life truly was. I have never and will never know who that man was - my "forever" man - I'll never know FOR SURE if he is gay. I just think he must have been, he must BE. And THAT makes me feel crazy! And THAT is how and why we don't always know they are gay before we marry them!

I thank God for you Bonnie. Maureen

Dear Bonnie,

I have been a follower for a number of years now (in fact, you have published one of my letters to you) as I battled my own dilemma of being married to a gay man in denial. 

Oh, he's still in denial, but fortunately for me and thanks to you, I am not (and haven't been in quite awhile).

Our divorce is nearly finalized but the unfortunate thing is that because of the economy, having to sell our second home and not being able to do that, we are forced to live in the same home until it does sell. This has made for a strange situation but it seems to be working out alright as we keep separate hours, separate floors and separate lives.

The transition from bitter wife to enlightened and sympathetic ex-wife was a struggle. But without you, without all of the letters and stories of other wives in the same situation, I could have never come through it emotionally intact.

What your support did for me was to help take the sting out of the betrayal. To help me see that this poor man that I was married to is in a terrible situation himself.

It helped me to see that it must be very draining and difficult for him to live his double life and hide it from so many. Being in complete denial that he is gay.

We still share a common bank account and since we have filed for divorce, I've seen where he now has taken a step across a "line" and is now taking men to motels. What a frightening thought that this could have been happening during our marriage and that maybe he's just not worried about hiding it now.

The saddest thing however, is that he is hell bent for election to replace the "woman" in his life and each unsuspecting woman he gets involved with has no clue what she's in for. I want to tell each one! Grab her and shake her and tell her "No! Don't do it!". But I can't and this is a struggle for me.

On the flip side, I've now dated for a year and a half. And just as I thought I wouldn't meet anyone that I could have feelings for, I met the "Last Love Of My Life".

He's wonderful and hansom, witty and talented, virile and strong and the best part? He's STRAIGHT! 

We're planning a life together and are so deeply in love with one another.

My point to this email for your readers is this: "Your life isn't over".

You will come through your struggle and if you just try to see your spouse as having an illness that he can't control, then maybe you can step back, get control of your own emotions and realize that this has nothing at all to do with you. There is nothing wrong with you, and this is not the end for you. There's a beautiful life waiting for you and you have choices.

Like you, you have been living without that genuine man/woman "love". You may have other things, as I did (such as friendship and companionship), but we all know that's not enough in most cases. That's not what I signed up for.

By taking control of your life, by getting out of the situation, you open more doors than you ever thought possible. And if you think you will never find love again, well, here's one gal to tell you that it's totally possible and your life can become what you dreamed and hoped it would be.

The holidays are a tough time in our situations, but take that time to enjoy what is wonderful in your life and focus on that. Focus on your children, your family, your friends. Realize that there's a lot more to your life than the struggle with your husband.

And then, dear sisters, face the new year with a new attitude about your situation and do something about it. Find your strength in Bonnie's newsletters, her emails and the support of your fellow sisters. YOU have control, so take control.

Wishing you all Happiest Holidays and once again Bonnie, thank you for showing me that I could change my life even though I could not change him or his.

You have one more success story to add to your long list of those you have helped!

Victoria

When Victoria first sent me her letter, I asked her if I could share it in the newsletter with our readers. This second letter was her response. I think you’ll learn a lot from her words.

Dearest Bonnie,

Of course you can publish my letter. My hopes were that you would so that my sisters in this ordeal could see that there indeed is hope for a happy ending to their misery.

Bonnie, you have been so instrumental in my enlightenment, in my growth, in my recovery from believing that there was something wrong with me.

In all honesty, I have to tell you, that for the past 13 years my doubt about my sexual self became overwhelming because of my situation with my husband. I was always such a loving, sexual person and found myself walking with my head down, found myself literally afraid to enjoy a sexual relationship for fear that I was "no good" at it. I began feeling completely unattractive and adopted a "don't care" attitude when it came to my looks. I couldn't believe this happened to me! 

Through you, I was able to begin to realize that it wasn't me at all. Then when I began dating, I was reminded that I was attractive and desirable. After meeting my new love, I realized that all of that sexuality returned as if it had never disappeared. Just my presence in the room drives him insane. It's WONDERFUL!

Bonnie, Thank you...Dear, sweet friend to all of us, THANK YOU! You cannot know how very much you have helped me.

I can only pray to God that other women in this same situation heed what you are saying. That they are able to come to grips with the reality of their situations and allow themselves to not only forgive, but to recapture who they once were. This sort of thing has a way of beating you down. And personally, I'd rather take a literal beating before going through it again!

I am healed...

I am beautiful....

I am happy......

With Love,

Victoria

Hi Bonnie

 

In your November news letter and the comments made by Bill in response to the Woman with Gay Husband, I have to agree with Bill 100%.  She cannot change or hope that all of a sudden her husband will become not Gay.  In all honesty she should have realized this from day one, that her husband would look at other guys and that eventually the attraction to her would wear out.  From experience there is a sense of responsibility when a Gay man marries to the wife and sometimes these relationships go on forever with the wife never knowing about the Gay husbands other side. 

 

Her comments about her husband’s behavior in public seem rather one sided in respect to her knowing that her husband is gay, and knew this from day one.   Bill is right, if you’re gay, you’re gay, not bisexual, even though the term bisexual has its misgivings as well.  With due respect, how long can this relationship go on before he, as Bill says, meet someone, or a one night stand that turns out to relationship.

 

To that woman, be honest with yourself, be honest to your relationship, even if there is any sexual relations between you and your husband now, how long will it last before there is total loss of interest because his needs cannot be met?  How long can she go on being in public places and her husband and his friends are looking at other men, probably unconsciously and not meaning to disrespect her, its gay nature?  Even in a man to man relationship, we often look at other men and make comments just as in male-female relationship, women will look at other men and make comments. 

 

She should really examine what it is she wants, and as Bill suggests, begin looking at a heterosexual relationship.

 

Joe

Thank you, Joe, for always being a support to me and our women.

Love, Bonnie

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

January 2011 Volume 9, Issue 115

HAPPY NEW YEAR, AGAIN!

There’s something so exciting about the New Year to me and many of my readers. At least to us, it’s a phrase of hope. If you’ve had a bad year, decade, or lifetime with your gay husband, those words “new year” gives you hope for new changes in your life.

When I look at the women in my online support chat and the progress they’ve made this year having moved through the transition of being “married to a gay man” to being “divorced or almost divorced from a gay man,” it makes me realize that there is hope for any woman who wants to end her marriage and stop dancing in the circle of craziness that my friend Misti keeps referring to. Some of our women in the support group came there feeling defeated, but thanks to the constant support of others who are willing to share their stories, they are able to move forward instead of being continually held back because they were convinced there was no hope to move ahead. Support is truly invaluable to women who feel isolated and alone.

Our struggle continues to be recognized in the media and press. When I began my journey nearly 30 years ago, virtually no one knew about our situation. This was before the days of computerization and mass communication. When my marriage ended in 1982, I felt so isolated and alone. I was afraid to tell people why my marriage ended because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. There was no one out there to tell me that it was not my fault that my husband was gay or to reassure me that I had nothing to do with his homosexuality. One day in 1983, I found a magazine in the supermarket that had the headline “Women Who Marry Gay Men.” You can imagine how my heart started to pound looking at those words. I grabbed the magazine and ran home to read the article. Although the article was reassuring, the author did the study with six women. So now I believed there were seven of us in this situation. Better than being alone, but not very comforting.

That is when I decided to start my own face-to-face weekly support group here in Philadelphia in 1983. I was able to find others struggling through the isolation and pain through advertising and connecting back then with television talk shows, newspaper articles, and radio shows. This was just the beginning of my real education of how prevalent this really was. I was always amazed with every new phone call or every new woman or man who came to my weekly support groups with the common bond that all of us shared. Every situation was so different, but every emotional thread was so similar.

At the time I started my group, I had no direction or clue of what to expect. I welcomed anyone in any situation who just wanted to feel supported—including couples who were determined to stay in their marriages. It took me a while to realize that these marriages were destructive to both parties. This spurred me to go back to school and learn how to effectively help people through this pain as I earned my graduate degree in counseling. Then I felt prepared to take the only stand that made sense to me—these marriages/relationships were a mistake that could be fixed—not through trying to change the homosexuality, but rather by accepting it and moving forward out of a marriage that was started with good intentions but now amiss because of the unknown missing piece of information—homosexuality. As my readers know, I don’t try to “pretty-up” these marriages with soothing names like “mixed orientation marriages.” Rather, I say it as it is—they are “mis-marriages” meaning a mistake in a marriage. And all of us know that mistakes can be fixed before both parties regress to the point of total misery and even hostility.

Eventually, thanks to modern technology, I was able to not only learn about the millions of us in this situation, but also able to reach out to people throughout the world. It has been the most gratifying experience working with over 60,000 women and hundreds of gay men since beginning my mission to educate them and others about our lives.

As the media continues to shed light on straight/gay marriages, more and more women and gay men are able to realize that this is a tragedy that affects millions of people in this country and many millions more throughout the world. We no longer have to feel alone. At least it creates a platform for people to have a better understanding of what we all go through when this happens. People no longer seem to stare at me with those questioning eyes holding back the words, “He wasn’t gay when you married him—how did you turn him gay?” like they used to.

Two interesting articles appeared this past month that I am sharing with you. One is from Forbes, and the other was in the Metro newspapers. The first one is an interview with a journalist, Kiri Blakeley, who has written her memoir of a ten-year relationship with a gay man in her new book Can’t Think Straight. The second article is by psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert who practices in New York City about signs to look for when you have a gay husband. Jonathan works with women in our situation as well as men who need help in coming out. Both Keri and Jonathan will be our guest on January 23rd on my Straight Wives radio computer show co-hosted by my dear friend and family therapist Misti Hall.

Also, this Sunday night, January 16, 2011, I am excited to have one of our support network members, Rhonda, join us to talk about her happy new beginning after her marriage to a gay man. Rhonda’s story appears in this newsletter to give hope and encouragement to other women who fear never finding their soulmate.

On Sunday night, February 6, 2011, we have an important show for Christian women who feel torn about divorcing their gay husbands due to their religious beliefs. Our guest, Patsy Rae Dawson. has over 40 years of experience as a Christian marriage consultant and award-winning research writer. Through her ministry, she has helped heal thousands of lives with books and CD’s in 29 countries. Although I don’t agree with Patsy’s view on why people are gay, I respect her expertise on advising women who need help with their religious struggles in leaving a marriage. You can view her website at for more information about her work.

The best thing about the radio show Straight Wives is that if you can’t listen live, you can listen to the past shows anytime you have time to listen. At the bottom of the newsletter, I have the instructions so you can tune in.

So, start your New Year with support and encouragement by listening to the show. You are always welcome to call in with questions or comments while we are live.

And now for the articles….

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Author Discovers Her Groom-To-Be Is Gay

By JENNA GOUDREAU

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It was 2006 when 36-year-old Forbes magazine writer, Kiri Blakeley, received the shock of her life. When her fiancé and partner of 10 years asked to have a “talk,” she expected they’d be finalizing wedding preparations. Instead, he confessed that he’d been cheating on her for years—with men.

Blakeley details the crushing realization and its aftermath in her new book, Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love (Kensington, $14.95), released today. The book chronicles the year after she discovered her fiancé’s other life, as she attempts to maintain a demanding career through intense grief, obsesses over the signs she missed and challenges herself to trust men again.

Counselor Bonnie Kaye, a leading expert and author of several books on gay men in heterosexual relationships, estimates that approximately four million women have been affected by this situation, and Blakeley agrees that it’s “more common than we’d like to believe.” She opened up about her former relationship, the break-up’s affect on her career and her fears about publishing an account of her darkest moments. A condensed version of our conversation appears below.

Forbes: The book begins with a scene that will likely terrify all current and future brides-to-be. What happened that night?

Blakeley: I had been with my fiancé for over 10 years. We lived together, and we had just discussed moving forward with the wedding ceremony a few weeks prior. One night around 11 o’clock, I was getting ready for bed when my fiancé, Aaron, said: ‘Kiri, we need to talk.’

I came in to the living room not expecting much. Then he said, ‘I think I’m having issues with my sexuality.’ I did this laugh/scream hybrid: ‘Haaa!’ I didn’t know if he was joking. But then he started to cry, hard. I’ve never seen him cry like that. Then I knew he wasn’t joking.

What did it feel like to listen to the man you thought you’d be walking down the aisle with come out to you about being gay?

Surreal. I felt like I was in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I’d known him for so long, and we’d been through so much together—the death of his father, the death of my niece. This wasn’t a guy that was giving off signals. He wasn’t out ‘til 3 a.m. There weren’t any strange phone calls. I didn’t smell Axe body spray on him when he came home from work. This came like a lightning bolt completely out of the blue. I felt like everything I’d known was not true. If my judgment was so bad about this, then what else was I wrong about?

So in one moment a 10-year relationship dissolved?

That was the end of the relationship as I had known it. It’s one thing if your man comes to you and says, ‘I’ve fallen in love with my intern’ or ‘the girl who makes my coffee in the morning.’ It’s another thing when he says, ‘I’m sexually attracted to men.’ I’m not a man. I couldn’t compete.

What were the stages of grief?

At first I was numb. My brain shut down. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was a walking zombie. In fact, I was a danger to myself walking around. I would walk into oncoming traffic. The next stage was anger. I told him to leave the apartment. I changed the locks. I hid his stuff.

In the book you describe feeling compelled to find out everything you could about his secret life during your relationship. What did you discover?

It was a few days later when I was at work that I decided to go into his email. I discovered that not only had he been cheating on me, he had been having an affair with a man who he had emotional feelings for. Then I got even madder, thinking: ‘Not only are you cheating on me—with men—but you’re having an affair with a man that you love.”

That’s when I really went ballistic. That’s when I felt like going home and destroying all of his things. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to pull back on that chemical reaction that floods your brain.

And there hadn’t been any red flags?

He grew a beard about a year before I learned that he was gay. I didn’t like it or understand it. But if a man grows a beard, you don’t think he’s gay. In retrospect, I found out that he was taking pictures of his beard and sending them to other men.

It was our sex life that was the main red flag. We would have sex only once every couple of months. One time we went eight months without it. But we had been together 10 years. I know a couple right now who just had a baby and have not had sex in over a year. We even went to therapy about it. He would sit there and say, ‘Oh, I’m tired,’ or ‘Yeah, we gotta work on this.’ He never piped up and said, ‘It’s because I like men!’

At the time, you were working as a staff magazine writer here at Forbes. How did you deal with this huge personal devastation and maintain professionalism?

I had a great supervisor. I did call in sick and take a couple days off. The first day back, I went directly to this female supervisor, who was a friend, and told her what happened. I needed her to know because I wasn’t myself, and I didn’t know how I was going to function.

She was very understanding. She knew I couldn’t handle really difficult assignments, so she made sure I didn’t get those for a few weeks. Everybody should have somebody like that at work. We are all just human, and we do have bad days and weeks.

Did you have to deal with office gossip?

I’d lost a lot of weight, and people were noticing. I told colleagues flat out what had happened. If you deflate the situation, I think it causes less chatter. They were as supportive as they could be.

How much time did it take to be back at your fullest?

After a month, I wanted to throw myself into work. I hadn’t been alone for over ten years, and it became a comfort. The only thing that got me back to equilibrium and feeling like myself again was time. Two years. Three years. I’m still working on it.

Why did you decide to write this book?

I didn’t think about getting it published when I started it. I had to get out my feelings. It was what got me up in the morning. It was what gave me a reason to live—to not harm myself.

When you eventually decided to publish it, were you worried about putting your life out there for people to gawk at? Were you concerned about potential ramifications in your career?

I was very worried. A lot of the book has to do with my dating life after becoming single. It gets pretty raw. It was during the editing process that I started looking at the material and going: Oh. My. God. Everyone is going to read this–my friends, my family, my coworkers. I was imagining that I would get fired.

Then providence came in the form of a layoff. But I’m still concerned. Is anyone ever going to hire me again after reading this book? I wouldn’t bring it up in an interview, but it is out there. If they see it and have questions, I will answer whatever questions they have.

Has this experience changed your outlook on men and on relationships?

It will affect my relationships for the rest of my life. I know now that you cannot ever truly know anyone. If you do, you got lucky. Most of us don’t live with extended family, so we have this one person that we wrap our lives around. That makes that one person indispensable, which is very scary because people are flawed and people do lie.

Do you think you’ll ever want to get engaged again?

I am dating someone now, but I’m living alone. I would be willing to get engaged again and get married. I would be aware that it could fall apart. But someone could get hit by a truck too.

Is he cheating ... with another man?

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JONATHAN ALPERT

Published: January 04, 2011 6:47 p.m.

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I’ve been married for five years and wonder if my husband is cheating on me and if he might be gay. Something in our relationship is way off.  How can I tell if he is gay and cheating?

You can simply ask him and hope he tells … but don’t hold your breath. Short of catching your husband with another woman or man, there’s no way to know with certainty if he’s cheating. You must first accept the notion that he actually could be cheating, then signs might be more apparent.  

In the world of the down-low and homosexuality, stereotypes mean nothing. Throw out the window any preconceived ideas you might have such as being effeminate or sensitive and caring. Plenty of gay people don’t have these traits and just as many straight people have them. Look for behavioral changes. Does he tell you about last-minute plans with others? Has he deviated from his normal routine? Changes could be indicative of an affair. Next, take a look at physical changes. Have his dress and grooming habits changed? When someone is cheating, they’re usually more concerned about their appearance. Further, if he is withdrawing from you and avoiding sexual activity or seems detached, that’s a red flag that something is off.

Signs to consider

» Homophobia: Often a person might get mad at people who exhibit traits they don’t like in themselves.

» Increase in calls from men and an unwillingness to discuss them or include them in your social life.

» Suspicious non-verbal communication with men — a look, a touch or a long hug.

» Gay porn on the computer.

» Finally, do know that sometimes there are no signs whatsoever. A seemingly healthy relationship isn’t immune from such a phenomenon. 

Jonathan Alpert is a Manhattan psychotherapist and advice columnist whom the New York Observer calls “Manhattan’s most media-friendly psychotherapist”. His column, No More Drama, appears in Metro newspaper – New York, Boston, and Philadelphia – and reaches over one million readers. He dishes out weekly no-nonsense, results-oriented advice on dating, relationships, sex, lifestyle issues, mental health, and career/workplace issues. He also pens a column for X17 online called Hollywood Breakdown where he weighs in on the latest celebrity dramas. Jonathan’s expertise is sought by major newspapers, magazines and TV. He appears on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN, NBC Nightly News, ABC World News, FOX and Friends, Nancy Grace, CW-11, FOX Business, and CBS. He also appears in the 2010 documentary Inside Job which is about the crash of Wall Street and premiered at The Cannes Film Festival. You can email Jonathan for contact information if you’d like to set up and appointment with him at jonathan@

And now for Rhonda’s Letter of Hope for you….

Dear Sisters:

Bonnie asked me to write to you, but first you should know that I pray for each of you every time I see a newsletter from Bonnie in my email. It wasn’t so long ago that I waited for Bonnie’s newsletters, hoping they would help me make sense of something absolutely crazy and foreign to me.

You will never be able to make sense of someone else’s inner chaos. But you can survive this—and thrive—and, when you do what you need to take care of yourself first, you will learn to love and trust a man again.

As one who has crawled her way through the Valley of Deceit—that place where straight women with their big, easily-bruised and manipulated hearts live with their gay husbands and boyfriends—I bring a message of hope: You can get out . . . you can survive . . . you can thrive . . . you can be the woman you are supposed to be . . . you can be happy . . . and you can find Healthy Love!

Most likely, there is someone out there who will love you in all the ways that a man should love a woman. He will tell his friends and family that you’re the best thing to ever happen to him. He will adore the ground you walk on.

He will encourage you and hold you when you’re sad, and he will celebrate with you when you’re happy. He will always be there to kiss you good night, and tell you you’re beautiful first thing in the morning. He will love your children and be a strong, confident, male figure in their lives. He will talk about growing old with you, and spoiling grandchildren together.

He will make you a priority in his life. He will make choices that allow him to spend more time with you, instead of less. He will naturally grab your hand when you’re walking through a busy, public place. He will tell you over and over that he loves you. He will take time off to help nurse you back to health when you’re sick. He will make you feel desirable and sexy even when you feel you aren’t.

He will “be there” in every way you need him to be.

You will love this man as madly as he loves you, and you will trust him completely. And you will thank God for him every day, and wish you’d met him years or decades ago, but you both know it wasn’t meant to happen that way.

I don’t know why God allowed me to meet and marry my gay husband and go through the hell I did with him. But I do know that it helped me find the person I needed to find—Me. The truth is, I had lost “me” somewhere along life’s journey, and when I did that, it allowed “him” to creep into my life and use—and abuse—it for his own purposes.

Start this New Year by cutting that toxic person out of your life. Don’t continue to let him rob you of more precious time. Guess what? You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. You can’t do anything to make him the man you want him to be. He is who he is, and what he is, and that’s all you’ll ever get from him, despite whatever manipulative lies he’s telling you.

Can you take another year living in this Hell? Then get rid of him. Now. By the way, there is no man alive—not even a sweet, precious, sincere, loving and giving man—who can fill all the voids in your life until you fill some of them yourself first. There are six things I did to rediscover the power of myself, and to recover from the heartbreak of loving a gay man:

1) Fall in love with yourself. Enjoy spending time with yourself, alone, walking around the neighborhood, or sitting quietly with your positive thoughts of what your new life can be like. Discover new things about yourself—maybe you have talents or artistic interests. Maybe you will find joy in helping at a retirement home or a preschool, or volunteering at your church, singing in a choir, learning to paint, or to belly dance. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but didn’t, because you didn’t have time? Well, now you have the time. Do it. Make it happen. I started writing and painting again. No best-selling novel or a masterpiece yet, but I created things that meant something to me and were fun to work on.

2) Get rid of the remnants of “him.” I cleaned house after mine left—a process which took months, but it felt GREAT. If he touched it, wore it, bought it, sat on it, liked it, I tossed it. Yes, that left me with a pretty barren house for a while, but I began, over time, to fill my home with only the things that I chose, that I loved, that meant something special to ME and my children. Far better to have a barren house full of love than a full house full of reminders of a painful relationship.

3) Reach for your Higher Power and/or open yourself up to new spiritual thinking. Think about what you believe and find like-minded people to surround yourself with during this time. I used this time to learn about all types of religious philosophies, angels, astrology, numerology, positive thinking . . . even Feng Shui. My world became bigger, and my relationship with my own Higher Power—God—became even stronger, which gave me the energy I needed.

4) Rekindle relationships with your stable girlfriends, or find a new circle of female friends. We often underestimate how much power we as women have in supporting and encouraging each other. If you need to find new female friends, do it. If someone’s not lifting you up, if they’re not a joy to be around, it’s probably time to part ways. You don’t need to take on anyone else’s baggage right now, but you do need “girl time.” I even used sites like Facebook and MySpace to find old friends and supportive new friends. (Female friends, that is. Leave the men alone. More on that later.)

5) Concentrate on being healthy. Eat when you should and eat right. Exercise. If you hate to go to the gym, take your kids, your dog, your neighbor, etc. on walks with you around the neighborhood. Go to the doctor. Go to the dentist. Talk to a therapist (I highly recommend this!) or a pastor who provides counseling. Look for a support group. If you smoke, cut back or quit entirely. Don’t hang out in bars. This is an investment in your future self. By the way, think about changing your hairstyle in some way, or wearing a color you don’t normally wear. Breaking out of old habits and getting out of all ruts is emotionally healthy!

6) Don’t even think about dating. Don’t even bother to look, because when you’re looking, you don’t find the right guy anyway. Don’t put your profile on or any other dating website. Don’t let a friend or family member fix you up on a blind date. 2011 is your year, and you can’t possibly give yourself the attention you need while trying to look all perky and cute for some guy. This year, you are “The One.” And when it’s time for you to meet “The Other One,” nothing can stop that from happening. Most likely, it will happen as a complete surprise to you both.

And how did this all work out for me? I’ve been with my wonderful Lee for three years now, and they’ve been the happiest, most joy-filled, passionate years of my life. He’s everything I never even knew I was missing in a man. We’ve just celebrated our third Christmas together, in our home, surrounded by five young adult children, his mother, sister and brother, two dogs and three cats. My dear sisters, I have a real family now, and a home full of love. And this is exactly what I pray each of you will find, too.

I would love to hear from you, and I can’t wait to hear your victorious survival stories as well. And you WILL be victorious in this!

Much, much, much love,

Rhonda

New Orleans, LA

RhondaWritesStuff@

Thank you so much, Rhonda, for your heartfelt letter. I know that other women will feel so encouraged by it! Please tune in and listen to Rhonda on this Sunday evening, January 16th at 10 p.m. EST or go to the archives for that day when you have time.

Directions for the computer radio talk show:

Bonnie and her co-hostess Misti Lynn Hall, a therapist specializing in straight wife coaching, can now be heard live every Sunday evening for 90 minutes at 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, 8 p.m.  MT, and 6 p.m. PT on Blog Talk Radio which can be heard on any computer. Their show focuses on straight women married to or divorced from gay men. They discuss the hard-hitting issues that women face in these relationships and help both marriage partners to move on to a better, saner, place in life. Listeners have the opportunity to call in and ask questions.

To hear the show, click into this link or paste it into your Internet browser:



When the Blog Radio screen comes up, on the top line, click “On Air.” A new screen will come up where you can select from a drop-down menu where it says "Choose A Category." Click into “WOMEN.” Then the screen will pop up with the live shows. Click into the live show of STRAIGHT WIVES to hear us. If you would like to ask questions live, you can call in at: (646) 716-4893. You can also email Bonnie at Bonkaye@ during the broadcast to ask a question for the show.

To hear past shows, go to:

Go to the “On Demand” episodes. There you can listen to past shows if you can’t listen when we go live!

That’s it for this month! Remember the my mantra that I will tell you to keep repeating:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED!

Love, Bonnie (

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

MARCH 2011 Volume 11, Issue 116

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE START OF YEAR NUMBER 11!

March celebrates the beginning of the start of my eleventh year of providing this monthly newsletter to help women and men who are living in a state of darkness and confusion. It’s been a long and fulfilling ride for me—thanks to all of you. Each month, I receive so many wonderful letters from my readers thanking me for helping them with understanding this situation as well as letters from you helping to give understanding to other women who are facing the same struggles from the point of discovery to the path of Gay Husband Recovery. Sometimes your writings help put together the pieces of the puzzle better than mine ever could. In looking back over this year, three specific contributors stand out in my mind as outstanding in terms of helping my readers make the important decisions.

First, my support system member Wendy really clinched it for women who were unsure about the emotions they were feeling throughout their marriages by sharing her two “lists” of what she felt like during her marriage. Wendy articulated every feeling that all of us go through during this time. Many of you wrote me wonderful feedback expressing your thanks to Wendy for doing this and printed out her lists as a guide to their own recovery.

Next, our newsletter where Crystal contributed her feelings about being the daughter of a marriage where she was the “keeper” of her father’s secret really impacted so many of you. It touched the hearts of so many of our readers—both women and men—on the impact that these marriages have on our children. It also helped me to realize that we owe this truth to our children because we are sending them very confusing and wrong messages by not being honest. It was my hope to start a support group for young adults which hasn’t happened yet, but I am still working on because our children need support. They are the ones who are really in need of support without feeling as if they have to choose sides or that they are being disloyal to one parent over another.

And a special thanks goes to Doug, my gay husband peer counselor who has helped so many of the men who come to me feeling confused and frightened of taking the step of honesty to their families. Doug has helped so many of our women understand why this happens in a marriage in a clear and understanding way. He is a gift to all of us who are seeking light in a world of darkness.

Others of you have generously contributed your stories. I thank all of you for reaching out and helping others. If you missed any of those important newsletters, just drop me a note and request them, and I will email them to you.

Having said that, I’ve decided to reach out to you once more and ask for your help. Please continue to read on….

RADIO SHOW WITH GAY MARRIED MEN

On February 20, 2011, we had an excellent radio show featuring three gay men—Russell Cook, Joe Knudson, and Rick Clemons. Joe and Rick were previously married. Russell had never married, but had dated when he was younger until he was able to come to terms with his homosexuality.

I found this to be a monumental show for us because these men were honest about living a life that wasn’t theirs to live. They talked about their struggle of trying to live in a straight world. They were clear they loved their wives and families. They talked about the outside influences that compelled them to get married in hopes that they wouldn’t be gay only to learn in time that they couldn’t be straight—because they weren’t straight—they were gay.

They were quite candid about some of the issues that were very painful for many of our women to hear, but at least they were honest. They two formerly married men loved their wives. Joe knew he was gay before he married, but growing up in a strong Christian community, he hoped against hope his homosexuality would disappear if he did “the right thing.” Joe wasn’t sure he was gay when he married, and even though he knew there were attractions to men, he was also hoping that falling in love with the right woman could change those feelings. Of course, they didn’t. These men were honest with us when they discussed their sex lives (or lack of sex lives) with their wives and how they coped in their marriages. It was a valuable lesson for all of us to learn.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the show yet, you can copy this link into your browser and go to the archived show of 2/20/11.

Link:

You can listen to live shows or archived shows through that link.

MAILBAG

Each month, some of you are willing to share your thoughts with other readers of this newsletter. If you would like to share yours, please send them to me at Bonkaye@. We all learn from the words of others.

Dear Bonnie,

Thanks for this newsletter as Valentine’s Day did bring back some wonderful memories for me and I really did love my husband more than any man ever could. 

I know now there is no way I would ever take him back or that he could live the life he so hide from me each day of our 33 years together. 

Everyone of us women have a story to tell and it always ends up with the same thing. 

There is no way to survive a gay husband in a straight wives life. 

My ex wants to be such good friends and continue to have what relationship we had together.  The happy go lucky life... together in front of everyone...

I have tried to pick up my life and move on now that the divorce is final but that part of me that was there even if he really wasn't was so real to me... 

 

Thank you for being so straight forward and tell us it never will work. I wanted it to work I wanted to show you that my life would never change from this day forward but believe me every minute of each day has changed my life and no one but me can make it be whole again..   Please you and Misti continue to do the work you do to help all of us who never wanted to know what was next in a deep secret of 2 lives and 2 worlds... Blessings Linda

Hi Bonnie,

I had the pleasure of catching up with your last two broadcasts this afternoon. The one about sexual addiction was very interesting and gave a lot of valuable insight into the topic.

Your conversation with Maggie was well done too. I’ve heard you speak to Maggie before and although she has come a long way, my heart still hurts for her when I listen to her talk. Isn’t it interesting that for her the hardest part isn’t so much the homosexual husband living a lie, but the act of adultery? You have posed the question so many times to your women, asking if it would be any different if it were with a woman not a man that they had been betrayed?

I can answer that question firsthand. It is too long to go into here, but suffice it to say, my husband came home 8 years ago claiming he had been in an affair with a woman at work (who I knew as well...had sent care packages to her when she was sick, had dinner with she and her husband, offered to let her stay in her home when her husband was allegedly abusing her....I could go on and on...).

Anyway, I was furious, threw him out, went through a year of marriage counseling (once again that is, we’d been there years before with another shrink, for my husband’s lack of sexual desire and love of belittling me in social settings) and he and the therapist said it was me expecting too much and being overly sensitive....hahaha...we were clocking in at about 3-4 times a year in our second year of marriage, but it was all in my head, and I bought it). I tried really hard to understand, forgive, be a better wife, get to the essence of the problem, but you know what? The pieces just never fit....all the excuses he gave were so lame.

I even confronted the woman he supposedly had an affair with and she told me “You really don’t know your husband if you think sex is what he wanted from me”....again, I was baffled. Nevertheless I took him back for the sake of our son and the vows I made.  Nothing really changed. We still never had sex again and he was distant, all the while he’s telling me how much he loves me, we have no problems, my expectations as always are too high.

I was going to divorce him when out of the blue he was diagnosed with cancer. Again, I tried to be the good wife, but somehow kept falling short. Fast forward to last spring when I realized he was gay while on vacation, where the pattern that always seem to occur was materializing again. He would make friends with some guy who always had a wife and they would hang out constantly. At night he would go down to the bar for a nightcap while I stayed with my son in the room. Those nightcaps always went into the wee hours as they had so many vacations before. Well, this time someone saw him…..friends we were traveling with got suspicious. Once again, I defended him, but I got my answer.

To this day I still have no hard evidence, but I know in my gut that all those well meaning people along the way in my life for the last 25 years who suggested he was gay, and to whom I defended him, were right. Believe me, I gently confronted him myself with the possibility that he might be gay and he always laughed and dismissed me as crazy. What I know now is that not only is he gay and I am not crazy but that he is an incredibly good liar. That is the scariest part of all to me because I can’t believe anything that he says or has ever said for that matter. But to keep the peace through this divorce and for my son’s sake, I have to act as if I do.

I have so many questions, but can’t ask them because I will only be pacified or punished with more lies as I have been so many times before. What I do know is that while it is incredibly painful to find out your husband is gay, it is a cold comfort knowing you were never what he wanted, so I didn’t fail and there wasn’t anything more I could have done, so in that regard it’s easier than if it were with a woman. However, for my son’s sake, I would rather take the hit and have it be another woman and not a man, because it would be so much easier if there was a way to explain to him why mommy and daddy are getting divorced and why daddy is always so angry.....

Love & Peace, Lori

Have a wonderful month.

Love, Bonnie

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

MARCH 2011 Volume 11, Issue 116

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE START OF YEAR NUMBER 11!

March celebrates the beginning of the start of my eleventh year of providing this monthly newsletter to help women and men who are living in a state of darkness and confusion. It’s been a long and fulfilling ride for me—thanks to all of you. Each month, I receive so many wonderful letters from my readers thanking me for helping them with understanding this situation as well as letters from you helping to give understanding to other women who are facing the same struggles from the point of discovery to the path of Gay Husband Recovery. Sometimes your writings help put together the pieces of the puzzle better than mine ever could. In looking back over this year, three specific contributors stand out in my mind as outstanding in terms of helping my readers make the important decisions.

First, my support system member Wendy really clinched it for women who were unsure about the emotions they were feeling throughout their marriages by sharing her two “lists” of what she felt like during her marriage. Wendy articulated every feeling that all of us go through during this time. Many of you wrote me wonderful feedback expressing your thanks to Wendy for doing this and printed out her lists as a guide to their own recovery.

Next, our newsletter where Crystal contributed her feelings about being the daughter of a marriage where she was the “keeper” of her father’s secret really impacted so many of you. It touched the hearts of so many of our readers—both women and men—on the impact that these marriages have on our children. It also helped me to realize that we owe this truth to our children because we are sending them very confusing and wrong messages by not being honest. It was my hope to start a support group for young adults which hasn’t happened yet, but I am still working on because our children need support. They are the ones who are really in need of support without feeling as if they have to choose sides or that they are being disloyal to one parent over another.

And a special thanks goes to Doug, my gay husband peer counselor who has helped so many of the men who come to me feeling confused and frightened of taking the step of honesty to their families. Doug has helped so many of our women understand why this happens in a marriage in a clear and understanding way. He is a gift to all of us who are seeking light in a world of darkness.

Others of you have generously contributed your stories. I thank all of you for reaching out and helping others. If you missed any of those important newsletters, just drop me a note and request them, and I will email them to you.

Having said that, I’ve decided to reach out to you once more and ask for your help. Please continue to read on….

RADIO SHOW WITH GAY MARRIED MEN

On February 20, 2011, we had an excellent radio show featuring three gay men—Russell Cook, Joe Knudson, and Rick Clemons. Joe and Rick were previously married. Russell had never married, but had dated when he was younger until he was able to come to terms with his homosexuality.

I found this to be a monumental show for us because these men were honest about living a life that wasn’t theirs to live. They talked about their struggle of trying to live in a straight world. They were clear they loved their wives and families. They talked about the outside influences that compelled them to get married in hopes that they wouldn’t be gay only to learn in time that they couldn’t be straight—because they weren’t straight—they were gay.

They were quite candid about some of the issues that were very painful for many of our women to hear, but at least they were honest. They two formerly married men loved their wives. Joe knew he was gay before he married, but growing up in a strong Christian community, he hoped against hope his homosexuality would disappear if he did “the right thing.” Joe wasn’t sure he was gay when he married, and even though he knew there were attractions to men, he was also hoping that falling in love with the right woman could change those feelings. Of course, they didn’t. These men were honest with us when they discussed their sex lives (or lack of sex lives) with their wives and how they coped in their marriages. It was a valuable lesson for all of us to learn.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the show yet, you can copy this link into your browser and go to the archived show of 2/20/11.

Link:

You can listen to live shows or archived shows through that link.

MAILBAG

Each month, some of you are willing to share your thoughts with other readers of this newsletter. If you would like to share yours, please send them to me at Bonkaye@. We all learn from the words of others.

Dear Bonnie,

Thanks for this newsletter as Valentine’s Day did bring back some wonderful memories for me and I really did love my husband more than any man ever could. 

I know now there is no way I would ever take him back or that he could live the life he so hide from me each day of our 33 years together. 

Everyone of us women have a story to tell and it always ends up with the same thing. 

There is no way to survive a gay husband in a straight wives life. 

My ex wants to be such good friends and continue to have what relationship we had together.  The happy go lucky life... together in front of everyone...

I have tried to pick up my life and move on now that the divorce is final but that part of me that was there even if he really wasn't was so real to me... 

 

Thank you for being so straight forward and tell us it never will work. I wanted it to work I wanted to show you that my life would never change from this day forward but believe me every minute of each day has changed my life and no one but me can make it be whole again..   Please you and Misti continue to do the work you do to help all of us who never wanted to know what was next in a deep secret of 2 lives and 2 worlds... Blessings Linda

Hi Bonnie,

I had the pleasure of catching up with your last two broadcasts this afternoon. The one about sexual addiction was very interesting and gave a lot of valuable insight into the topic.

Your conversation with Maggie was well done too. I’ve heard you speak to Maggie before and although she has come a long way, my heart still hurts for her when I listen to her talk. Isn’t it interesting that for her the hardest part isn’t so much the homosexual husband living a lie, but the act of adultery? You have posed the question so many times to your women, asking if it would be any different if it were with a woman not a man that they had been betrayed?

I can answer that question firsthand. It is too long to go into here, but suffice it to say, my husband came home 8 years ago claiming he had been in an affair with a woman at work (who I knew as well...had sent care packages to her when she was sick, had dinner with she and her husband, offered to let her stay in her home when her husband was allegedly abusing her....I could go on and on...).

Anyway, I was furious, threw him out, went through a year of marriage counseling (once again that is, we’d been there years before with another shrink, for my husband’s lack of sexual desire and love of belittling me in social settings) and he and the therapist said it was me expecting too much and being overly sensitive....hahaha...we were clocking in at about 3-4 times a year in our second year of marriage, but it was all in my head, and I bought it). I tried really hard to understand, forgive, be a better wife, get to the essence of the problem, but you know what? The pieces just never fit....all the excuses he gave were so lame.

I even confronted the woman he supposedly had an affair with and she told me “You really don’t know your husband if you think sex is what he wanted from me”....again, I was baffled. Nevertheless I took him back for the sake of our son and the vows I made.  Nothing really changed. We still never had sex again and he was distant, all the while he’s telling me how much he loves me, we have no problems, my expectations as always are too high.

I was going to divorce him when out of the blue he was diagnosed with cancer. Again, I tried to be the good wife, but somehow kept falling short. Fast forward to last spring when I realized he was gay while on vacation, where the pattern that always seem to occur was materializing again. He would make friends with some guy who always had a wife and they would hang out constantly. At night he would go down to the bar for a nightcap while I stayed with my son in the room. Those nightcaps always went into the wee hours as they had so many vacations before. Well, this time someone saw him…..friends we were traveling with got suspicious. Once again, I defended him, but I got my answer.

To this day I still have no hard evidence, but I know in my gut that all those well meaning people along the way in my life for the last 25 years who suggested he was gay, and to whom I defended him, were right. Believe me, I gently confronted him myself with the possibility that he might be gay and he always laughed and dismissed me as crazy. What I know now is that not only is he gay and I am not crazy but that he is an incredibly good liar. That is the scariest part of all to me because I can’t believe anything that he says or has ever said for that matter. But to keep the peace through this divorce and for my son’s sake, I have to act as if I do.

I have so many questions, but can’t ask them because I will only be pacified or punished with more lies as I have been so many times before. What I do know is that while it is incredibly painful to find out your husband is gay, it is a cold comfort knowing you were never what he wanted, so I didn’t fail and there wasn’t anything more I could have done, so in that regard it’s easier than if it were with a woman. However, for my son’s sake, I would rather take the hit and have it be another woman and not a man, because it would be so much easier if there was a way to explain to him why mommy and daddy are getting divorced and why daddy is always so angry.....

Love & Peace, Lori

Have a wonderful month.

Love, Bonnie

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

APRIL 2011 Volume 11, Issue 117

CONFUSEXUAL

Every now and then, I feel inspired to add a new vocabulary word or two to my daily language. It seems that no matter how clear cut I believe things are when it comes to men and their sexuality, some women don’t want to believe me. As of late, I’ve had several letters from women who give me various scenarios to prove that their situation is different than the rest of ours and resent that I want to call it—well—GAY. You know me, the bearer of all bad “gay” news to straight wives.

Here are three segments from letters I received this month, and I’ll let YOU be the judge of what it is.

Letter 1: Bonnie, I think you have a very slanted view about bisexuality. I read your chapter about it looking for helpful suggestions, but there weren’t any. It’s as if you don’t even acknowledge that a man can love his wife and just want to have sex with a man as purely a sexual act that has nothing to do with his marriage and loving me, his wife.

Letter 2: Bonnie, I know that most of the women who write to you have gay husbands, but my husband isn’t a classic case of gay. In fact, I don’t believe he is gay because we still have fantastic sex at least once a week. While it’s true he looks at gay porno, he says that it’s because it’s more exciting than straight porno. In fact, he only likes the gay porno that involves leather and light bondage. But he swears he has no need to act on it, and he also watches straight porno.

Letter 3: Bonnie, I am not sure about my husband because he isn’t the typical gay man that you write about. My husband swears he would never want to have sex with a man, but he does want me to use a strap-on with him or a vibrator on him. He says that men have sensitive spots that stimulate them to have more intensive sex with their wives. I don’t understand what this is, but do you think it’s gay?

Okay, I admit that I may be a bit jaded. I still believe that when a man gets stimulated by another man—and specifically by the penis of another man—that this is gay. And I’m not saying that he has to touch it or hold it—just visually get turned on by it. I’m not saying that gay men can’t have sex with women. I believe that some of them can—and do. But I don’t understand why they would need to visualize or fantasize about a man unless he is gay. That’s the part the always seems to stump me. Straight men don’t fantasize about men—they think about women. They don’t view gay porn and feel stimulated—if anything, they feel repulsed. And in case you start losing sight of reality because your husband keeps insisting that you don’t know what you’re talking about when you bring that point up to him, go ask someone you trust besides me—like your brothers or male cousins. Just casually bring up to them that you were reading an article about this and wanted to know their opinions as men. See what they have to say.

I certainly know that gay men can love women in their own way—which to me is in a limited way when it comes to the way that a woman deserves to be loved. Obviously, the ones that marry us can have sex with us—some for a short time, some for a longer time. But the great variable here is time. As time passes, it becomes increasingly difficult for gay men to continue having sex with their wives. That old adage of “fake it until you make it” just doesn’t seem to work anymore. Either does the fantasizing.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Sure. I guess. I haven’t really met any in nearly 30 years, but I do accept I haven’t met everyone in every situation. But regardless of what shape or form this creeps into your life, you have to decide if this is how you want to live. Do you want to live with a man who wants you to stimulate him with male sex toys? Does it feel strange to you that your husband has to view gay porno in order to make love to you? Does it matter to you that it’s just a sex act and has nothing to do with your relationship?

I think some women are just too petrified of saying the word “gay” because it really stops the conversation from continuing. It’s oh, so final. Up to that point, women can argue, bargain, justify, reject, argue some more and repeat the cycle. They can use words that sound a lot better like “curious” or “questioning” which still wreaks of false hope—but hope none the less.

So, for those women who still can’t face the reality and deal with it, I have a new word for you. It’s “confusexual.” This way, you don’t have to deal with that 3 letter word that you can’t accept. You now have a word that sounds a little more digestible—and even a little trendy. When your husband is confusexual, it means he is just confused. Confused is even a little more hopeful than the term “bisexuality” because maybe one day, if you can hang in long enough, he’ll become ”unconfused.” Well, that probably won’t be very good either because once he’s not confused any more, he’ll know exactly what he is—that three letter G word.

This month, I received a heartfelt poem from my dear friend Wendy, author of the wonderful lists for straight wives of stages of grieving. I wanted to share it with you.

Wendy’s Poem

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a ball

and roll away

...the shame of it all, I can’t face it.

Sometimes I just stare into space,

in disbelief

…the deceit of it all, shattered trust.

Sometimes I just want to stand on the table

and shake my fists

…the resentment of it all; how dare he do this to me!

Sometimes I hold my head in my hands

and wonder about the future

…the confusion of it all; what do I do now?

Sometimes I lay awake at night

wondering who to tell

….the stigma of it all, so much judgment.

Sometimes I weep for my children,

the innocent victims

….the guilt of it all; they don’t deserve this.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep,

as the damage runs deep

….the sadness of it all, never being truly loved.

Sometimes I sit stuck on the couch

paralyzed with fear

…the scope of it all; I am on my own, now.

Sometimes I reach out to others

who have walked a similar path

…the relief of it all, to not feel so alone.

Sometimes I hang up the phone

with him, and his baggage

…the serenity of it all, not bearing the burden

of a toxic connection, anymore.

Sometimes I smile inside,

looking back at my own inner strength

…the courage of it all, surviving.

MAILBAG

Each month, I ask people who send me letters if I can reprint those that will touch our readers the most. If you would like to contribute a letter, please feel free to send it to me at Bonkaye@. Others will find comfort and support in your words.

Dear Bonnie,

I have wanted to write and thank you for your important work for a long time. I first found your website after I found a picture my husband had posted on craigslist, in the men seeking men category. At the time we were on a business trip (his) in San Diego. I also discovered during the course of this trip that he was engaged in a 3 year affair with one of my good friends. (Thank you key logger.) Of course he has to this day denied he is gay and is dating a “woman” and according to my son he told her “everything”. I’m sure his version of everything is very different that the truth, he even admitted to my Mother that he is a very good liar. They are currently in Europe on what was supposed to be our 30th wedding anniversary trip. I have to admit that is a little painful, but I would not want to be there with him.

I have read your books, all your newsletters and listened to the radio blog. I even attended the Sunday night chats for a while. While all the information you have shared, for me the most valuable was “that if a man wants a penis he is gay.” (My ex keeps insisting he was experimenting, was bisexual, abused as a child, anything to keep from admitting the truth.) Yet, for me this essential truth seems as obvious as people needing air to survive. I could never picture myself with a woman in a sexual relationship, although I love my many woman friends.

While my journey was fairly typical, complete devastation upon discovery, dissolution of a 30 year marriage, ugly divorce, the only caveat was an investigation by the police as he wrote in his chat room conversations about wanting to engage in sex with young boys. However, I am still struggling with his ability to present a false self to the world and especially my children. It is as if he has replaced me with another woman and life has gone on. My kids (two boys 30 and 28, and a daughter 24) are so deeply embedded in their denial that it scares me. I also have 2 young grandsons and although I have told my son that he can never let his kids be alone with his father as time goes on and things seem normal, because of his girlfriend, I’m afraid he might let down his guard at some point. The longer I insist things are not normal the more I appear to be the crazy one. My ex is disarmingly narcissistic and very charming; he has a way of turning the tables. “Oh you know how you mother drinks…blah blah blah.” I know this is all very familiar to you. I do my best to deal with it day by day. I do recommend that any women going through this find a good therapist, this has been invaluable to me.

I do want to offer some hope to your women out there. Although I swore I was done with men and would never date again as fate would have it I met a man at a party for my divorce recovery group. I am being totally honest when I say I wasn’t looking. My friend had to take me kicking and screaming. He had received the evite erroneously and wasn’t supposed to be there. Fast forward six months and we are still going strong. I never had the complaints that a lot of the women have during marriage as we had sex pretty frequently (my ex is also a self proclaimed sex addict). We married young and I really didn’t have much to compare my sex life to. However, I have learned in this new relationship that quantity does not equal quality. I have once again become comfortable in my own skin and feel beautiful and attractive at 53. My sex life is more than I ever could have dreamed for. I have a life full of friends and family and am happier that I could have imagined. The last 10 years of my marriage were pretty miserable except for my fabulous kids, so there is hope no matter what path life takes you on. Again, thank you for the valuable work you do.

Thanks,

Sue

Hi Bonnie:

Just found time to read the March issue. Time has flown by and I realize that it is four years to the month that my universe was ripped into a parallel one by the statement that the man I was so in love with was gay. Well he said he wasn’t gay, then he said he was bisexual, and then he said he preferred men so please allow me to be disoriented by the black hole of illusion he created (smile).

I can still remember the altered state I was in when he told me. My body was on auto pilot in the third dimension trying to comprehend and ask the required questions, but my mind was in limbo in the fifth dimension of the ether. I think women need to understand that this is like a Science Fiction movie I saw last night called The Source Code.

You think you have been living in one reality when in fact it is all an illusion, that timeline is dead and so are you in it. They ie TGO keep sending you back and forth between dimensions sorting through their hidden agenda until you have mental and emotional whiplash. Finding this out is like learning that your husband is dead and an alien spirit has assumed his identity, somewhat like in the film. The confusion and dismay of the female character is much like what we experience.

What we have to learn is that all of this is natural and until the timeline settles down into one that WE create for OUR agenda, and is outside of the TGO’s Source Code, we will be confused and our emotions will run the gamut.

But then, as happened with me, the timeline WE create takes control and we can move forward in one time dimension only. I have…And I love it.

--Deb

Hi, Ladies!

I am in the process of researching what benefits I may receive going forward from my 23 years of marriage to my ex-husband.  Here is a web link that discusses all scenarios for women who are or were married, and for whatever reason, are without their husband, either now, or in the future.  Send it to other women you know so that they too can be better prepared for the future. You may want to bookmark the website.  You also have the option of downloading the info to your desktop as a PDF file.

Cheers! Mary

women

Blog Talk Radio Show

Each Sunday evening, my co-therapist Misti Hall and I provide our Straight Wives Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio, a computer program that you can access 24/7 if you can’t listen live. On Sunday, April 24, our guest will be Wayne Besen, dynamic leader of Truth Wins Out, a gay activist group that opposes the Ex-Gay Movement which tries to convert gay men into straight men ruining the quality of life for both parties for more years.

To listen to our shows, go to this link:



Have a great month!

Love, Bonnie (

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

MAY 2011 Volume 11, Issue 118

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF MY MOTHERS

To all of my wonderful mothers who read this newsletter, I would like to wish you a belated Mother’s Day. I went back through my back issues of this newsletter to see what I had written about this holiday in the past. Guess what? There was nothing. I was quite shocked. How is it that in ten years of writing this newsletter, I never paid tribute to this holiday which has the most significance to so many of you? I guess my only excuse—and please believe me this is not to evoke your sympathy—is that Mother’s Day became such a raw holiday to me after losing my daughter in 2002 and my son in 2005. Many of my long time subscribers mourned with me at the loss of both of my precious children in their tragic deaths at the ages of 22 and 23. It was through your unending support that I was able to find a purpose to continue in life. So, my apologies for ignoring all these years what should have been a major, monumental tribute to all of you on this day.

For so many of you who were pushed into single motherhood without warning, allow me to say that I feel your pain having lived the experience. None of us went into our marriages thinking that they would end—and not only end, but end due to homosexuality. When we took our wedding vows, there was nothing written there about for better or worse, in sickness or health, or for straight or for gay. Nope. That wasn’t part of the thought process for sure.

When we had children, for the most part, all of us believed that our children would be part of a loving and supporting family unit. We didn’t expect to someday be raising children on our own while dealing with a whole slew of issues that other single parents have no clue about. This is where our lives and the lives of our other divorced single mother soul sisters have a parting of the ways. We have all of their issues, but with an extra added punch. So for the record, allow me to discuss them.

1. When most marriages end with straight couples, they end because there has been a poor relationship going on for a period of time. I like to say that it’s not a matter of placing blame or fault all of the time. Sometimes people were too young when they married; other times people grow apart instead of together. Life happens. People become unhappy for various reasons. But usually it is both people who are having trouble in the marriage. Divorce comes as a relief because it ends a relationship that needs to end. Usually marriages deteriorate over a period of time, so it is almost anticlimactic when they end. But in marriages to gay men, this is often not the case. Men who are dealing with homosexuality have been hiding their issues for years. They do their best to make you think that things are fine in your marriage. And even when you aren’t happy, they still tell you that they are, and if you are feeling that something is wrong—well then, you have the problem. And so you try to love them “harder,” and just keep internalizing that there is something wrong with you—not your marriage. This means when your husband finally decides to be “true to himself,” meaning he can no longer be true to you or the marriage, he is ready to go while you are still standing there loving him. You didn’t fall out of love with him—he just fell out of the marriage. It is like riding on a Ferris wheel and enjoying the beautiful view from the top when all of a sudden the side rail opens and your husband falls down 200 feet. PLOP. He’s gone.

2. Many of our women are what I call “damaged goods” by the end of their marriage to a gay man. Now, I don’t mean that to be derogatory in any way to my wonderful straight sisters out there. But let’s face it—when you live through years of sexual depravation and humiliation, as well as self-esteem deflation, how mentally healthy do you think you are? Do you think these problems magically disappear when--or in some cases—if-- you find out that your husband is gay? Well, guess what? They don’t. Gay Husband Recovery (GHR) is a process—and for many of us, a long process. It takes time to untangle the reality from the illusions. Rebuilding trust is a whole different thing we have to learn to do—and that starts with learning how to trust ourselves since we made such a giant mistake of missing those signs in our marriages. When you enter new relationships as many of our women do, don’t believe that some of these issues won’t affect them—because they will and they do. Some of our women who feel so deflated will jump into the arms of the first man who shows interest in her to validate her sexuality. Big mistake. If you don’t fix yourself, you will fall prey to other predators who are seeking vulnerable women just like you. Learning to find and love yourself again are the next steps after trusting yourself. This is where our marriages are different as well.

3. Single parenthood is common to many women who are divorced, but our issues are all of the ones every woman faces plus some additional ones. Besides having to adjust to the financial burdens of single motherhood, we also have to juggle all ends as the primary caretaker in many cases. In my experience of nearly 30 years and tens of thousands of women, I find that the majority of our husbands once they leave the marriage don’t continue their fatherly responsibility following their departure. Believe me, I understand the need to find their place in their new life, but I don’t understand why that doesn’t mean the children aren’t still the priority. I hear from some men that the wives are keeping the children from them or using them as bargaining chips, but in my personal experience I have only found that on rare occasions. The majority of women I work with would love a break in the action and appreciate some time to have a life for themselves, but their husbands are too busy exploring their new world to give them that support, There are even some men who walk away and don’t look back, or at least they don’t look back for many years. Other men will do their fatherly duty of every other weekend or once a week for dinner, but that doesn’t necessarily mean quality time with the children if they are involved with new love interests or activities with their new friends and dragging their kids along for the ride.

While on the subject of new love interests, we now have to either explain to our children about the new “man” in dad’s life when we haven’t been able to process this information ourselves. And what about the exes who make you promise not to tell the children? Now you have to figure out what to tell your children about the reason for your breakup. You are torn between being the keeper of the secret and being honest with your children. And what about the children blaming YOU for the breakup of the family? “Dad didn’t want to leave, Mom. Why did you make him?” Of course, that is usually confirmed by Dad who just can’t figure it out either. After all, he promised he could change—right?

For those children who do find out while their parents are married, they often have their own issues develop about trust and love that affects them into their own adulthoods. For instance, if your kids find out before you, their mother, they become the keeper of the secret for their dads. They fear telling the truth lest it breaks up the family. These kids are confused, and at some point, they can take that confusion out on you. They may question you: “How could you have not seen it? How could have been so blind? I saw it!” We have to take our wounded children and help them get well while we continue to struggle with our own healing.. Nope. Not an easy road at all for sure.

Most of us have to make major heavy duty adjustments after the fall of a marriage. Financial adjustments are one thing—but emotional wellness is quite another. Just keeping up with day-to-day chores often becomes overwhelming when you take on a whole new slew of them.

Our women are survivors. I hear stories daily from you, my readers, about the adjustments you have made and the way you have met the challenges of the adversity that was thrown your way. You are women—hear you roar! You are survivors—and you will survive. Give yourself a big round of applause because YOU DESERVE IT!!!

New Blog!!

My support group member, talk show guest, and friend, Maggie Johnson, has recently started a blog for straight wives. She asked me to pass this message on to all of you. Maggie does beautiful work, and she is a great writer. Even if you don’t want to contribute, at least take a moment to read her words and the words of others as she progresses.

Straight Talk for Women (str8talk4women.) is my thoughts, opinions and advice about being the ex-wife of a gay man.  I'm as ordinary as they come -- or at least I thought I was until I learned that I'd been married to a gay man for the past three decades.  Over the past few years, I’ve learned I’m not alone in this journey. 

I have two grown children and am now divorced and building a new life for myself.  I'd love to hear from you, and I welcome guest bloggers who want to share their experiences as straight wives too.  Sometimes getting it out on paper helps.  Just drop me an email at maggiemjohnson@.

And P.S. Spread the word to other straight wives.  It helps to know you’re not the only one in this situation.

MAILBAG

Each month my readers are kind enough to contribute comments to help others who are looking for support. No letter is reprinted without your permission.

Hi, Bonnie,

 

I just read the April newsletter (a little insomnia here) and just had to comment about the 3 letters you received in the "Confusexual" section.

 

Those letters reminded me so clearly of myself when my ex-husband threw me into this world. These poor women so desperately do NOT want to go down this road, and I sure don't blame them. When I first went to a support meeting 16 years ago, I just knew that MY marriage was DIFFERENT from the others, and we did NOT have to be like all the others couples whose husbands were actually GAY, not bisexual. I think it  takes time for us to educate ourselves about gay husbands, their behavior and activities, and to wrap our heads around this Huge, and Painful, and Confusing  world. There was so little information for wives 16 years ago when I started crawling through this journey, kicking and screaming into acceptance and divorce. After all, what woman would have any idea that this world even exists and what goes on in it ? Thanks to you, we now have tools to educate ourselves about this world we were thrust into and to make INFORMED decisions about what steps we will take next. We don't have to stumble around for so long, trying to figure out everything on our own.

 

Thanks, again for everything you do for us. The time you take to help us is invaluable!

Lori

Dear Bonnie,

It seems to me that there is some confusion on the part of some of your readers between the concepts of “love”, “relationship” and “sex”. Of course a gay man can “love” a woman. And any “relationship” can be independent of “sex”. Parents “love” their children without having “sex” with them. To my view a problem arises when “love” implies a “relationship” that involves “sex”. I have had a number of gay friends and I do, indeed “love’ them as friends. I respect their differences in our “relationship” but I would never consider and have never considered having “sex” with them. In fact, as you correctly state, I find the very thought of it repulsive. I do not consider the persons repulsive. It’s the idea of a “sexual relationship” with them that turns me off. I think a problem begins when a woman and a man enter a “relationship” in which “love” and “sex” are expected and each presumes something about the other only to find out that “love” is shared, a “relationship” based on shared values and common interests is present, but the “sexual” preferences of each are decidedly different. It’s the deception that is at issue. You can’t simultaneously “love” someone and deceive them. A marriage is a combination of the three elements. If one is hidden when the “relationship” is formalized or endorsed by the birth of children, it is reasonable that the deluded party is right to experience anger and frustration. If a woman discovers that her husband is attracted sexually to men and accepts his homosexuality (homo = same and that’s the essence of it) and can live with the remaining two components of the relationship I see no problem. However, if she denies her husband’s sexual orientation and expects him to change, she is sure to be frustrated. I never suspected or even hoped that any of my homosexual friends would one day stop being interested in male genitalia. I respected their sexual orientation and they respected mine. I have yet to meet an EX-homosexual!

Jim

UPDATE ON UPCOMING BOOKS - SWSLII AND OVER THE CLIFF:GAY MEN IN STRAIGHT MARRIAGES

Several dozen of you responded to my request for stories for the second edition of Straight Wives: Shattered Lives II. I am extending the deadline for the submission of stories until July 31, 2011, to give more women time to write. If you would like to participate but haven’t responded, please let me know at Bonkaye@ and I will send you the guidelines.

Also, next newsletter I will be launching the most important new book for you to read that was co-written by me and primarily by my friend, Doug Dittmer, who serves as a coach for our gay husbands and support for our straight wives. Although this book was written with the intent of helping gay men with coming out to their wives, I think the wives will find this just as valuable. My June newsletter will feature the information and the link for purchasing the book. Later in June, Doug will be our guest on the Straight Wives Talk Show after the June newsletter comes out.

And talking about guests….

On May 15, Dr. Loren A. Olson was our 15 minute guest because of a technical problem on our radio station. Dr. Olsen, a licensed psychiatrist, is the author of the book Finally Out—Letting Go of Living Straight. He is a psychiatrist who was married and shares his experiences of coming to terms with his homosexuality and explains very clearly how this happens to men. Thankfully, Dr. Olson has graciously agreed to rejoin us on June 5 at 10 p.m. EST. Feel free to email me any questions you might have or call in directly to the show.

In order to hear the show, follow these directions:

Bonnie’s Weekly Radio Show

Bonnie and her co-hostess Misti Lynn Hall, a therapist specializing in straight wife coaching, can now be heard live every Sunday evening for 90 minutes at 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, 8 p.m.  MT, and 6 p.m. PT on Blog Talk Radio which can be heard on any computer. Their show focuses on straight women married to or divorced from gay men. They discuss the hard-hitting issues that women face in these relationships and help both marriage partners to move on to a better, saner, place in life. Listeners have the opportunity to call in and ask questions.

 

To hear the show, click into this link or paste it into your Internet browser:



 

When the Blog Radio screen comes up, on the top line, click “On Air.” A new screen will come up where you can select from a drop-down menu where it says "Choose A Category." Click into “WOMEN.” Then the screen will pop up with the live shows. Click into the live show of STRAIGHT WIVES to hear us. If you would like to ask questions live, you can call in at: (646) 716-4893. You can also email Bonnie at Bonkaye@ during the broadcast to ask a question for the show.

To hear past shows, go to:

 

Go to the “On Demand” episodes. There you can listen to past shows if you can’t listen when we go live!

Have a wonderful month and celebrate YOU.

Love, Bonnie

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

JULY 2011 Volume 11, Issue 120

ACCEPTANCE VS. FORGIVENESS

Throughout the years, I have heard almost every professional state that in order to totally heal, you have to “forgive.” Now I’m not criticizing this thought—I just have never really understood it. That doesn’t mean that this concept is wrong—but maybe it isn’t quite right. Many say that you to need to forgive to move on. They say that living in a state of “un-forgiveness” is unhealthy—FOR YOU. And I do realize that when people don’t forgive, often it is because they are angry. I do agree that if you don’t channel anger, it can become bitterness—and that’s where the problem comes in as far as hurting YOU.

I guess where my thoughts differ are when it comes to “earning” forgiveness vs. blind forgiveness. Some women are far more charitable than I am. They are able to forgive their husbands for all of the lies, deceptions, loss of self and sexual esteem and of course the marriage just because they are unconditionally wonderful women. Men luck out when they find women like this. I admit I am nice—but not nice enough to join this particular circle of friends. But I’m not judging—whatever works for our women works for our women!

My comfort level is on the next rung down of the forgiveness ladder. I believe in giving forgiveness when it is EARNED. Earning forgiveness doesn’t mean hearing the words, “I’m sorry.” It means saying them and understanding what you’re sorry about. Allow me to clarify that. I don’t expect men to say they are sorry because they are gay. Gay is not a choice—being honest about it is. But here are some of the things men can be sorry about:

1. I am sorry I wasn’t honest with you before we were married about my attractions to men. I loved you so much I really hoped those feelings would go away and I would be the husband you deserved.

2. I am sorry that I made you feel that something was wrong with you sexually in bed while the whole time it was me not wanting to be with you sexually because you are a woman and I am a gay man.

3. I am sorry that your life is now turned upside down because you had it mapped out to be spent with me until death did we part.

4. I am sorry you will be struggling with the challenges of single parenthood. It was not my intention to have children and leave them afterwards. I will do everything I can to be a responsible and loving parent even though we live apart.

5. I am sorry that I cheated on you and lied to you during our marriage. I was selfish in doing this and just trying to hold everything together because I love the family and could not figure out how to handle the situation.

Any one of these apologies is a good start in showing that your husband understands what is going on in your life and in your mind. The sad thing is that so many of our women never hear these words from their husbands. Instead, they hear constant blame and criticism explaining away the failure of the marriage as being the failure of the women as a wife. “You were never supportive enough.” “You were never clean enough.” And the best, “You were boring in bed.” Yep, I guess so. It is hard to be exciting in bed with a gay man when you don’t have a penis, isn’t it?

Anyway, you can read lots of articles about the importance of forgiveness. One article I read stated:

When you forgive it does not mean you forget what has occurred. Realize the pain of the experience may not completely leave and it is acceptable to grieve a loss. 

You may have residual feelings of pain from a wound. Give yourself time to heal. Forgiveness does not deny responsibility for behavior. 

Simply commit to not hold the other person in debt. The benefits far outweigh holding onto the pain.

So many articles that I have read all have the same message. Forgive—and you’ll be happier. You don’t have to forget—but at least forgive.

I still do not feel comfortable with that advice for everyone. Depending on the seriousness of the offenses, I just don’t believe in unconditional forgiveness. However—there is another alternative for moving on and letting go of the anger before it turns to bitterness—and that is ACCEPTANCE. When you can accept that your husband is gay and realize that you could never do anything to change it, you can start letting go of the anger. When you realize you weren’t STUPID, but rather loving and trusting, you have accepted that you are not to blame for staying so long or putting up with so much so that you can start to move on to the rest of your life which is waiting for you.

You see, part of the anger you have inside of you is towards him—but part of it—on some level--is also towards yourself. It may be subconsciously, but you buy into the external messages that keep telling you that you should have known and taken action sooner. It’s so nice when other people outside the situation start making judgments on your life, isn’t it? Life isn’t always that clear-cut. Sometimes those shades of gray are hovering over you and drowning your thought processes. You’ll blame yourself for the problems in your marriage because you start to believe the words that your husband keeps telling you over and over again. He’s happy—you’re the one with the problem. These guys know if they repeat a lie enough times, the person they are lying to will start to believe it. Remember that “Gaylighting” theory I spoke about last year—the one that is the calculated process of making you think you’re imagining everything that is actually true? It’s easy to be deceived in this situation, and at times, even easier to live in a state of LIMBO for fear of changing the known to an unknown. This is the problem of living in fear. The fear of the known is often less paralyzing than the fear of the unknown for people who are already living in their own private hell.

Getting back to my point--if you can allow yourself to accept the situation rather than forgive it, well, that is fine too. You don’t have to feel “obligated” to forgive or forget—just to accept what is. And once you accept that “it is what it is,” you can start putting the anger behind you and move forward in re-finding yourself.

Upcoming Special Radio Computer Broadcasts

Misti Hall and I have two great weeks of shows coming up on our Blog Talk Radio show which is live on Sunday evenings at 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, and 6 p.m. PT., but archived so you can listen anytime. Directions to access the show follow the announcement.

This Sunday, July 17, I am thrilled to have my male peer counselor for gay husbands, Doug Dittmer, joining the show. Doug and I just released the book “Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages” which is a book to help gay men who are looking to be honest with their wives. Doug will discuss his story as well as our work together on this ground-breaking collaboration. He will also talk about how these situations happen and how to move on in the future. Doug has helped many of our women with his words of understanding, so please make sure you have a chance to hear Doug on the show.

On July 24, we will have a special broadcast with guests from the AIDS Service Foundation of Orange County, CA. One of my support group members, Kay, is a long term survivor of HIV for over 20 years.  She was diagnosed in 1991.  She was never a drug user, and because she was in a relationship for 12 years, she never thought it would happen to her. When she was first diagnosed, the doctor told her that that she had only two years to live!  With strength and hope, she told the doctor, "Watch me, I'm not going to die." Kay continued, "Luckily I found a women's support with other HIV positive women who gave me the strength I needed to carry on. I continued working, and got involved in volunteer organizations because the only way out of my pain was to help others."  Then the second shock came when she found out her husband had been meeting up with men in hotel rooms. “Years later I found Bonnie's web site, what a relief it was to find out I was not alone,” Kay commented.

Joining Kay will be Nancy. Nancy was born and raised in Los Angeles. She is the mother of 2 adult children and recently became a grandmother. Nancy was 4 months pregnant when she tested HIV + in June of 1992. Her OBGYN recommend she get a late term abortion. He said her baby would die anyway. In the same breath, he asked her to pick up her medical records – Nancy was no longer welcomed as a patient – he did not treat “people like her.” After the death of her partner, she began attending conferences that were popping up specifically designed for women who were infected with HIV. It was at a conference that she met her mentor who spoke openly about his HIV infection. He provided education about HIV/AIDS in hope of reducing stigma and discrimination against PWA. She quickly followed his footsteps and has shared her story with thousands of people including the students of the Los Angeles Unified School District where she is currently employed as the Coordinator for Positively Speaking Speakers Bureau/HIV/AIDS Prevention Unit. She lives today in Whittier CA with her son who is 18 years old and HIV negative, the same child her 1st OBGYN suggested she abort.

Also joining us on the show is Philip Yaeger, the Executive Director and CEO of AIDS Services Foundation Orange County (ASF).  He initially started as a volunteer with the agency in May 1993 and developed an immediate appreciation for the organization’s stewardship of its resources and the role that volunteers have historically played at ASF.

In July of that same year, Yaeger was hired as ASF’s first Food Pantry Coordinator through a grant from the Elizabeth Taylor Foundation.  Since then he has served in a number of direct and support service roles before being appointed the Executive Director/CEO in April 2008. When reflecting on his work with ASF Yaeger said, “I wanted to do something to help make life a little easier for people who were dying from AIDS.  It has been very rewarding knowing that the service I have helped provide to my community has had a positive impact in the lives of others.”

Directions to the show: In your browser, go to:

When the screen comes up, type in Straight Wives Talk Show. The menu will take you to the show being broadcast live, or you can click into the archived show anytime you have time to listen.

Below is a poem by our support group member, Marie. I think her words will touch all of you like they did me.

When you came out – A Poem by Marie

I’m smiling on the outside, but inside I’m crying,

I pretend I’m okay with it all, but really it disgusts me.

Your life is just beginning, mine feels like its ending,

You’re free and comfortable in your own skin, while I feel trapped as my skin crawls

You’re ready to face the world; I want to hide from the world,

You’re sure of yourself, content; I don’t know who I am anymore.

MAILBAG – All letters receive the writer’s permission before being printed.

Dear Bonnie,

Thank you for writing the book, Over the Cliff. I am an ex-spouse of a gay man married for 11 years. Even after 5 years of no contact, I found this book to be helpful with my own grieving process. I definitely appreciate the honesty of these men and I am grateful to them for their candor; however, I feel the need to speak my truth, and let the men know, many of these women were feeling the same way as them, but these men were self-involved and didn’t even recognize it.

During my marriage, I was NOT sexually fulfilled in any way; he pursued me heavily for two years prior, and I was a virgin when we consummated the relationship on our wedding night. I did everything in my power to make our relationship work, single counseling, couples counseling, spiritual counseling. Nothing helped. I felt trapped in a relationship of his making. I couldn’t find a solution to the problem, because his truth of being gay was withheld from me. This is FRAUD- a legal crime, but nothing happened to him. No fine. No punishment. I find it so ironic these men say they were trapped. First of all: No woman asks a man to marry her- these men pursued each of their wives, and then withheld their truth everyday they were married. In my book, this is rape. I wouldn’t have had sex with him, if we wouldn’t have been married. And I wouldn’t have married him, if I would have known he was gay. And, through a state annulment he acknowledged he withheld this information from me, intentionally- But I only found out after 13 years of being in a relationship with him…Talk about a prison sentence.

I felt trapped in a loveless marriage. A prison sentence. I wanted out, but my religious convictions and my husband would NOT validate my feelings or needs. He played the crowd, telling everyone how much he loved me. He bought me gifts. He showed everyone how wonderful he was. It’s the worst kind-of abuse. No one would validate my concerns. I needed to be loved by a man, desired, and held, but all he did was think about himself and his social pressures, never concerning himself with my needs and the anguish and psychological suffering he was causing me. One man stated that “his wife is not his friend and never will be.” I found his answer to be very honest. And, I appreciate it; however. I also realize he objectified his wife, and still does. He took an innocent love and made her feel the rage, frustration, anger, hatred and resentment inside of him and victimized her in order to feel powerful. He’s right she will never be his friend, because he only sees her as an object and not as a woman with feelings, love, and compassion. This is something he should probably work on as human being, not just as a gay man.

These men also talked about how it wasn’t all about YOU; meaning, it wasn’t all about the wife, and the wife needs to let go. Here is my take: Once a woman has devoted 11 years of her life to a man she believes is straight; she really isn’t interested in starting over just because he’s saying he’s gay. After 11 years—GAY was the least of my concerns. I’d already been manipulated, put down, verbally abused, financially abused, told I was a nymphomaniac, and physically abused. Honestly, he proved to me daily that I was unloved, but there was no escaping. If I cheated on him, then I was a slut. If I divorced him, then my parents would not forgive me for leaving a great guy. Now, he says he’s gay. GREAT! For me, this was a blessing! Finally, I had the opportunity to think about myself and my future- and NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM! Not only did I lose the love and time I invested in my relationship. I lost my home, my saving, and my reproductive years. I became a recluse for the shame and abuse I endured. And, even with a doctorate degree, it took me two years to find a job, and it isn’t even in my area of study. There is a difference in the job market between men and women finding jobs—and there is a difference in the job market between married and divorced women finding jobs

Once again, I appreciate the honesty of these men, and I like the book but nothing will justify these men’s actions. Personally, I think they are all selfish bastards and deserve to rot in hell --not for being gay, but for going above and beyond the area of selfishness that warrants a crime. I am glad these men are out and free. But, they should have been living with integrity from the beginning. And, once they began cheating they should have communicated honestly with their wives. As one man said, “If I just throw her out, what does that say about me.” I think he is exactly right. For those men who were as evil as my ex-husband. It proves that coming out is one thing, and having integrity while coming out is another. Thanks for all you do!~ JK

Dear TV LAND,

 

As a ex-wife of a gay husband, I am totally offended by your new show.  My ex took away my family, my life as I knew it, my dreams, my self-esteem and the self-esteem of my children, my home, my credit, and my being able to trust people. All I ever wanted was a loving husband, happy and healthy children, a good life and to be happy. Your sense of your own self and how others you love are being treated is the most important thing. He reduced me to believe I was worth nothing, meant nothing, had nothing to offer and no one else would want me either. My children lost part of their childhood and their innocence. I have lost those years for both my children and myself and we cannot get those back. No one deserves to be treated that way. Especially when you have done nothing, all you did was marry a man that you didn’t know was gay. That is the bottom line with a gay husband. That is nothing to laugh at. I realize Fran did not have any children in her marriage. I don’t want people to think this is what happens in a gay husband situation because most of the time it does not. I love her as an actress but this show is just too much for me. The world needs to know the real truth, not this fantasy.

 

Straight Ex-Wife

Proud Mother of 2 Beautiful Children

 

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

AUGUST 2011 Volume 11, Issue 121

Bonnie’s Mantra: LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

CRAIGSLIST

For those women who are in still in denial about the possibility of their husbands being able to establish sexual liaisons without their knowing because they can account for their husbands’ movements 24/7, I think you could use a large dose of Craigslist. Although I never explored it personally, I decided it was time to check it out because so many women in our support network told me that their husbands were using it. And so I went to , clicked on my city, and then the personal ads came up. Under personals, the fifth offering on the list is “Men Seeking Men.”

Next I clicked into the list. After waiving that I am older than 18 years old, I was able to immediately access the site. Then I typed in “married man” and the list populated. It was fast for sure.

Some of the ads were pretty scary—at least to me. Here was one in my neighborhood:

55 MWGM looking for married man to orally service with no recip. Men with a hairy chest and legs are a plus. Enjoy a verbal man that could turn into a regular. Can host on occasion (wife travels for job) but required utmost discretion. Send stats and availability. Pic not required but accepted.

What caught my eye with this ad was the complete and utter disregard for the violation of the family house while his wife was away on business trips. I guess men like this really lack a conscience. It’s bad enough to cheat, but it really angers me when men are cheating in their marital bed.

Then I looked at the next ad:

First off ddfree (meaning drug and disease free). I am married. Working here for a couple months. Looking to hook up with decent guy with no pressure, mostly mutual oral. Affection, kissing, anal, rim..all optional. Be healthy, no drugs, prefer no smoke, and impeccably clean and disease free. Just need some nice man time while here working. I’m six, 190, hairy, shaved head, goatee, 6.5 uc. Avail evenings mostly. Meet? Couple beers at a sports bar? Personality, friendship, discretion A+. Photo exchange PLEASE and information.

This ad came with a very graphic penis picture. If you were the wife of this man, you would definitely be able to recognize it—if you remember what it looks like. Then again, the way it is proudly standing erect, you may not recognize it because sadly, it may have never been in that pose for you.

A couple of weeks ago on my Straight Talk computer radio show, we were discussing men who advertise on Craigslist. My support group member Maggie called in. She lives in the South, and while we did the show live, she put an ad on Craig’s List advertising she was a married gay man seeking some fun. Her responses were overwhelming in just a few short minutes while she was on the show with us.

Another one of my support network members, Debbie, who lives in Texas, listened to the show where we discussed this which prompted her to do some of her own research on her local Craig’s list. Here were some of the ads that she found:

Searching for another inexperienced married man for friendship and more.

Date: 2011-08-13, 12:17PM

Hi, I have been searching for a friend for some time but have yet to meet anyone. I am 48 years old 6'2 and 220 lbs, have been told I am descent looking. I have no experience with another man but want to try everything with the right person. I have a great job and family so discretion is a must. I prefer that you not have any experience either and be married. I would like it if our wives knew we were friends, that would make getting together easier. Anyway, let me know about you and what you are looking for.

What really bothered me about this ad was the level of deception that a supposedly inexperienced gay married man (although I for one don’t believe it) is looking for another inexperienced gay married man which would be one thing—but that’s not enough. He wants their wives to know they are friends so they can get together more easily. I find this totally sociopathic that this man has no regard for misleading two wives into his upcoming infidelity.

Here was another winning ad Debbie sent to me:

Hot Married Professional Looking for Regular Bud

Date: 2011-08-10, 9:54AM

I am a good looking white married male who loves his family but enjoys intimacy with another masculine guy who also has a family he loves.

I am 6', 190, good shape, good looking. You must be in good shape and a family man who is masculine. I would hope it could develop into something long term...I have had that before and it is very fulfilling. A relationship with the right guy can really complete your married life.

I think that last statement is pretty profound—the way to complete a gay man’s married life is to have a boyfriend so he can have two lives--one of course who is masculine. Yep, that should make your marriage complete for sure.

What I find really interesting is that so many of these ads are posted during the day when your husband is at work. Look at the times. Hopefully you’ll start thinking about what your husband is really doing at work.

This weekend, Maggie sent me an article that was top news in Indianapolis this about a state representative named Phillip Hinkle. She thought I would find it interesting because of our new research project on Craigslist. In the article, it gave the accounting of a married state rep who met up with a young guy from Craigslist on Saturday. If you would like to read the whole sordid story, here is the link:



Hinkle responded to an ad on Craigslist in the casual encounters section under M4M (Men for Men) section. Here is a mini synopsis from the article after the meeting commenced:

He said Hinkle picked him up in a white car -- his suit jacket was hanging in the backseat.

When they arrived at the hotel, Gibson said he was given the room key and told to go into the hotel. They couldn't go in together, Gibson was told. About 15 minutes later, Hinkle arrived in the room, changed into a towel and then during small talk informed Gibson he was a lawmaker.

Gibson said the man showed him an identification card.

The ID, Gibson said, gave a name: Phillip Hinkle.

"My eyes got big," Gibson told The Star. "I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. It was just a shock."

Gibson said he had posted on Craigslist before but had never met up with someone. Knowing he was in a bedroom with a politician, Gibson said, he got cold feet.

"Yeah, I don't want to do this," Gibson said he told Hinkle.

He said Hinkle's response was: "You need to do this, because I came and got you, and I'm not taking you back until we do what we need to do."

Gibson excused himself to the bathroom. There, he called his sister Megan. She said she would come get him immediately.

When Gibson came out, he said Hinkle told him he couldn't leave. Gibson called his sister again. This time, Megan told him to put her on speakerphone.

"I started cussing him," Megan told The Star. She also threatened to call the police and the local media.

"He said, 'I'll give you whatever,'" Megan said.

But when they hung up, Kameryn Gibson said Hinkle grabbed him by the right arm, just below the shoulder. Gibson said it was then that Hinkle grabbed him in the rear, dropped his towel and sat down on the bed -- naked.

When Megan Gibson arrived to pick up her brother, she again threatened to call police and the local media.

Kameryn and Megan Gibson said Hinkle then offered his iPad, a BlackBerry and $100 in cash.

This is when the story became a nightmare. The sister called Hinkle’s family to inform them about the episode. After a number of meetings, Hinkle’s wife offered $10,000 to keep the story quiet—which the sister didn’t. I guess she thought she could get a better offer from Hollywood by telling this horror story.

My point is this: Hinkle was a 64-year-old man who was lusting after a 20 year old young man. Trust me, I’m making no value judgment here because plenty of straight men like young women. But how high “above the law” do you think someone can believe he is when he brags about his political position to a prostitute? Wasn’t he thinking that someone in a political job was prime picking for blackmail? Oh, sorry…that was a stupid question because someone like this couldn’t possibly have been thinking…at least not with his head.

Let’s send big hugs to Mrs. Hinkle, the newest member of our Straight Wives Club. The end of the story mentioned her desperation:

Megan Gibson (the prostitute’s sister who went to save her brother in the hotel they went to) said on her way back, she received another call from Hinkle's wife.

"The first thing she said, she was like, 'OK, we will give you $10,000 not to say anything,' " said Megan Gibson, who said she was now becoming scared."I was like, 'OK,' and I hung up the phone."

She soon got another call -- from the Marriott hotel. It was Hinkle, Megan said. Gibson told Hinkle that she had informed his wife and family that he was gay.

Megan Gibson said Hinkle's response was: "You just ruined me."

I do think that final line was pretty funny. Once again—someone else ruined this man’s life—NOT HIM. He was taking no responsibility—no apologies for his behavior. Just talk about how she ruined him—no talk about how he ruined his wife’s life or family’s life. All I can say is that I find this…amusing….and typical.

If any of you know how to contact Mrs. Hinkle, please tell her I’m happy to give her support. Tell her she’s in the company of other government officials with the same lack of morals and ethics.

And for those of you who want to become believers instead of living in limbo or sitting on the fence (of barbed wire), spend a few days on Craigslist. Maybe you’ll find your husband there. If he’s going out of town, check the city where he is going. Chances are, you’ll find him then.

MAIL BAG

Each month my readers send me letters in response to my newsletter. I try to choose the ones that my readers can relate to and help. I ALWAYS ask permission to publish any letter, and I’m happy to do it anonymously.

Dear Bonnie,

I appreciated your view on "Forgiveness".

 

Forgiveness, for me, doesn't mean you don't apply consequences. The consequences are there regardless.  Yeah, you're gay but you still cheated on me; you still lied to me; you still exposed me to the potential of serious disease; and you still destroyed my lifestyle and damaged my being.

 

My husband wants forgiveness to mean he doesn't have consequences.

 

When I found the proof of what he was doing and tried to talk to him about it, he shut me off completely, immediately withdrew all our money from the bank accounts, and quit supporting me.  He told me I was on my own.  I tried so many times to talk to him about it.  Of course, it was my fault, just like you are saying.  I was not good in bed, I was overweight, I didn't treat him like a man, and I made him feel bad about himself.  I was responsible for all of his actions.  And all that was interlaced with my being paranoid and not trusting him.

 

It's kind of hard to trust a man when strange guys dressed in latex pants, tight low cut body shirts, and high heels wearing turbans swoosh up to you in a parking lot at night and ask your husband while flashing their nail polished fingers around "who" the woman is by his side, isn't it?  And even harder to understand why your husband would explain "who" you were to the guy as if he owed him an explanation.  Kind of hard to understand why a complete stranger guy who seems to be gay (maybe I'm stereotyping, but the guy was pretty flamboyant), comes up to me at a burger joint while I'm getting in my jeep and starts asking me how come I'm driving "his friend from California's" vehicle.  I mean, the guy went on and on about how he knew "Steve" and "Steve" would never let anyone else drive his jeep.  And he had "been" in the jeep and knew it was his.  And it's kind of hard to explain away why a man dressed like a woman follows you around in a car dressed in pink foam curlers, bathrobe, and house shoes just to confront you in a parking lot.

 

I was paranoid because I saw an e-mail with the picture of a pre-op transgendered guy he was trying to set up a date with.  No, he wasn't really trying to set up a "date", he was doing "research for a book" and trying to understand his own feelings of insecurity and I should realize that.  I was unreasonable when he told me he wanted to have his own set of male friends that I would never meet or know and he would fratranize with no details.

 

The affects of what he did to me just don't go away like some teenager going steady and breaking up.  We were married for 15 years.  I was dependent on him.  I needed him.  I loved him.  I thought I was his "wife", not his mother or his straight friend.  So, now I'm going through all the heartbreak and pain, the grief, and hatred all at the same time.  I hate him for what he did to me.  He tore me up and used me.  He knew he was gay when he married me; had to have known.  I left my home, my family, and everything I had known to marry him.

 

So, now what do I have?  Nothing.  I won't go into detail, but I lost everything because of this; my home, my furniture, my personal belongings....everything.  How did he come out?  On top, as usual.

 

He asked me what I wanted from him.  I said that I wanted him to admit what he did to me; that he used me to fill some kind of emotional need he had for a mother and not a wife; to admit he purposefully undermined my self confidence to make me think I was mentally unstable while he was having sex with men (and I don't care if it was transgendered men or any other kind of man; my husband seems to think a guy dressed up like a woman is something different).  I want him to confess that he married me knowing full well what he planned to do.

 

None of this has been some kind of "intellectual" life experience for me.  It hasn't been this "Oh, sweetness, I'm just so happy that you are finally realizing you're gay" kind of crap.  That "Fran" sitcom is an insult to all women who have gone through this.  She makes it look like discovering your husband is gay is some kind of "coming of age" and "making the world a better place" mission of life.  What my husband did to me and wasn't funny.  Frankly, I don't care at this point if he's gay.  It isn't about being GAY.  It's about being HUMAN and not purposefully hurting people for your own gain.   I care about what he did to ME and how it has affected my psyche and my ability to live a decent life.

 

He committed a fraud on me.  He faked being straight to use me.  He came out on top (no pun intended) and I am the one who is doing wthout and suffering.

 

Not too long ago he said I needed to stop seeking to get anything from him in the divorce. He said I needed to accept my "Karma".  Right now my "Karma" is taking care of myself and getting what I need to survive.  What he did to me has consequences.  He doesn't get to walk away and leave me in a heap on the side of the road.  He said he wished me well.  You know what?  I DON'T wish him well.  I hope his "Karma" is to get zapped before he has a chance to do this to another woman, which I think he will do.

 

Best regards,

Robbie 

Hi Bonnie,

I totally agree about not forgiving the lying husbands.  I understand that it is a Christian value.  I understand the concept, BUT......No, I am not into revenge or retaliation, my motto was "Take the High Road." Rise above all the pain confusion and shock.

Life is too short to wallow in the misery.  My thing was do no harm when I wanted to chop his head off!  I wanted to catch him at his secret behaviors.  Well, I gave up trying to catch him.

It is hard to forgive an adult of lying, cheating, betrayal, and deception.  I had to realize he was living in a fantasy world. Pretending to be something he was not.

In the end, we pity them more than forgive them. I'm afraid they are all empty words for the husbands, anyway.

My thing was to keep some kind of respect going, regardless of the lying man.  I decided to overlook the nasty things he did to me and my kids. I decided to create my own respect, regardless of his actions.

I am not responsible for his being forgiven.  I just walked away from the problems he made and I just stepped over him like he was dead. As far as I was concerned he did die. He was hiding behind a mask all the time. I did not really know that person.

I just kept telling myself to take the high road. Just take care of myself and the heck with him—forgiveness, caring, thinking about him? Forget him and his facade.

We are good women. We get slapped in the face by gay men and we are supposed to be nice women and forgive them?   We are going through hell, but us women, we are supposed to forgive them?   Let God forgive them.

That’s God's work. In the end, it’s between God and them anyway. I'm busy trying to re-invent myself.  Moving forward, getting on with a new life, and letting go of the past.  I am looking toward the future, not worrying if he should be forgiven. And, by the way, I do want to forget about it.  I don't want to hold on to

Such negative memories--the pain, rejection, etc.  The list goes on.  It is more important to forgive yourself for being beguiled. Forgive yourself for being attracted to him in the first place. And forgive yourself for putting up with all his shenanigans.

I always think ....is this how I would want things to go down in history?  You can't un-ring the bell.  I decided I could not do much about his behavior and his decisions, at all; on the other hand, I could conduct myself and choose to take the high road.  Walk away from the negative and survive the loss of my husband. We all have different interpretations on how to heal. Maybe women mean they won't hate the liars if they forgive them.  I won't hate, but he can look to someone else for forgiveness.  I've done enough around anything to do with him.  He can lie in his own bed, ha ha.  Meanwhile, I've got very important things to do for me.  Enough about him. That’s co-dependency, isn't it? 

For me true healing is not being defined by if I forgave him or not. The marriage was a bad deal. I have moved on as best I could. I refuse to be defined as a "in the closet GAY man's wife.” No victim-hood, here.

I'm trying, anyway.  I still get bouts of depression and long thoughts, but not about him.  He is long lost in his own misery, so like I said in the end I pity him more than anything else. What he did to me was not right. I decided to step over the problem and move along my own way.  I refuse to let his behaviors change the good, kind, and loving person that I have always been.

Okay, just some thoughts on the road to recovery. I really enjoy reading and understanding the newsletters. Thanks.  Although it may be a bitter pill sometimes, still, it helps to face the truth and handle getting on with life--the next chapter.

The thing I am dealing with is: Do all men cheat?  How will I trust again, and will I ever be with a man again?

Sincerely, Diana in Washington.

BONNIE’S RADIO SHOW NEWS

Misti and I have had some wonderful guests on our weekly radio show this summer. The great thing about Blog Talk Radio is you can listen to the shows 24/7 by going to the website and typing in “Straight Wives Talk Show.” All the previous episodes come up so you can listen on demand.

Two wonderful guests that I would like to mention are:

1. Patsy Rae Dawson – Patsy is a Christian marriage relationship expert. She really tells things the way they are to make Christian women understand how important sex is in a marriage and how women don’t have to stay with gay husbands based on her biblical research. I am so amazed at how Patsy talks about “sexual duds” and what to do in a case like that in your marriage. Anyway, Patsy now has her own blog talk radio show. She has had on some wonderful guests including one on sexual addiction. She also had on a forensic investigator who investigates men who are trying to take money away from their wives when they divorce. Patsy’s show, Embarrass the Alligator, is geared for Christian women in bad marriages—including marriages with gay husbands. Here is a link to Patsy’s website where you will find lots of wonderful information and her free newsletter for Christian women:



Patsy is really awesome and a real mentor to me. If you are a Christian woman who is struggling with your Christian beliefs and divorce, please go to her website and read the information that can be lifesaving to you. You can listen to Patsy on Tuesday evenings on Blog Talk Radio. Go to and put “Embarrass the Alligator” into the browsing bar to get current and past episodes.

The second guest:

2. Angelo Pezzote – Angelo, a gay male therapist who specializes in working with gay men, and author of Straight Acting, was a guest on our show on August 14. Angelo has never been married, but he has worked with many married gay men on coming out issues. Angelo tells it like it is. I bought his book and I find it so interesting to learn the inner thinkings of gay men. In understanding this, it helps us understand our gay husbands better—even if they don’t want to understand themselves. You can check out Angelo’s website at . And if you have any questions, feel free to write to him at Ask@. He will be happy to respond to any of your questions. And if you have a limbo husband still around, refer him to Angelo to get the help he needs. Angelo works via phone and skype counseling from anywhere in the world. He currently resides in the Miami area.

Well, that’s it for this month. Please write—share your experiences—help other women make a connection. And repeat my mantra—Life was never meant to be this complicated!

Next month’s newsletter will feature the launching of Straight Wives: Shattered Lives2.

Lots of love and hope,

Bonnie (

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

SEPTEMBER 2011 Volume 11, Issue 122

BONNIE’S NEWEST BOOK

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives Volume 2 is being officially launched this month. It has just become available through Amazon. This remarkable book was written by 22 women from four different continents telling their struggles and eventual victories of being a straight wife. Even though every story is different as far as the details, the emotional impact is all the same—meaning the “same as yours.” Members of my support network wrote their personal stories to help you feel connected to other women.

The stories will amaze you. The cover of the book reflects what we all feel like at some point of our marriages—shattered. The beautiful picture was designed by my dear friend Maureen Tillman who is a magnificent artist. Maureen also contributed her story which starts the book.

Over the next few weeks, I will have different contributors to the book appear live on my weekly computer radio show to discuss their stories, their losses, and their triumphs as they go through gay husband recovery. This will give you a chance to meet the women who shared their lives with you.

To listen to the shows, go to: and type in Straight Wives Talk Show into the bar on the top of the page. Click into the current show or any of the archives if you can’t listen live. Live showtimes are 10 p.m. EST.

In the meantime, the book is now available on Amazon. Here is the link:

For the regular book:

For the Kindle version:

Barnes and Noble online also carries the book.

GAY HUSBANDS SAY THE “DARNDEST THINGS”!

In the thousands of letters for help or support I receive each year, at least half of them are from women who HAVE NO PROOF. They have a gut feeling, but they don’t trust it. That’s because their sense of reality has been “slip slidin’ away” from the chaos and confusion their husbands have been putting them through. Most of these guys are one step ahead of you, and even when you catch up or get one step in front of them, they find a way to trip you up so you slide back again. It’s not easy always having to be one step ahead of someone who is trying to “gaylight” you.

Even after a woman does get a partial admission such as, “I am just looking at pictures—I would never act on it,” or “I’m just comparing myself to other men to see how I ‘stack up’.” Even though there is half a sigh of relief when you hear these ridiculous explanations--which I guess is better than none--you still feel out of sorts. Once the doubt is there, you can only stay in “ostrich mode” for so long. You can keep your head buried, but sooner or later when the next picture of pornography pops up on the computer, you have a harder time burying your head in the sand deeper than it already is.

For those of you who just can’t seem to get the proof you need that your husband is gay, I decided to request information from my online support group members asking them to share with us the excuses their husbands would give them for not making love to them in a meaningful way on a regular basis. I thought maybe if you could connect with some of these reasons, you would have that long awaited “ah hah” moment to put you on the right track.

So, with a slight drum roll, here are some of the top 50 excuses our women sent me:

1. I turn him off because I ask for it. By the way, I only ask maybe once a month.

2. All you think about is sex.

3. He says it’s not a perfect world, and I can’t have everything.

4. He hates the smell of a woman.

5. He took medication so he can’t have sex with me.

6. He was busy and he wasn’t having sex with me.

7. He is too tired.

8. I asked him if he wanted oral sex, but he said he wasn’t in the mood.

9. I came home from work early to surprise him thinking we might have sex, but he said, “Don’t ever come home without calling first ever again!”

10. He told me I was a nymphomaniac.

11. When I kissed his neck and his said ear, he said, “Stop, that makes me sick, I don’t like that!

12. He told me if I would stick around, I might get it.

13. Said he just took a shower ...he can’t have sex now.

14. His back hurts.

15. He’s too busy.

16. He doesn’t like sex at night.

17. I’m too mean.

18. I’m too fat.

19. He’s too tired.

20. I’m too pushy.

21. “If you would clean up the house, I would”

22. “You know watching you cook and clean turns me on.”

23. You’re too big.

24. You want it too much.

25. He compared my body to other women and told me what he liked about them better...if you had bigger nipples, etc.

26. You look too much like a Rick James.

27. “It” is too worn out...you use that vibrator too much.

28. You wait until it’s too late.

29. It's too early.

30. "It's broke" was his favorite line.

31.  When I would ask for a hug he's say "nah, I don't feel like it right now."

32. Give me time, and it will come back to me. Those were two lines I heard forever.

33. "We are not sexual creatures":  His favorite mantra for the last years of our marriage.

34. "I have a urinary infection": Used this excuse the last years of our marriage.

35. "Too tired, got to get up early and go to work.  I have a real job:” He said this one a lot, especially during the last years of the marriage.

36. "I no longer find you attractive," said 6 weeks after our second and last child was born (1996).  I begged him to make love to me.  He stated, "No.  I no longer find you attractive." I swore I would never beg for sex again.  After our son was born, we had sex once every 3 years.

37. "You stink."  Said this the night our son was conceived.  I was starting foreplay.  He stopped me and said, "You stink" and then turned his back to me.  I quietly cried myself to sleep.  I was suddenly awakened when he forcefully whipped my body around so I was on my back.  He forced himself in me.  It lasted less than a minute.  All our sexual encounters lasted about a minute or two and they all ended with him turning his back to me.  He never brought me to an orgasm.  He never cuddled or held me as we slept.

38. "Our daughter will hear us and I don't want to wake her." He said this a few times early in the marriage.

39. "I'm sea sick." Our Honeymoon.  He did not make love to me until the end of our honeymoon.

40. "Going down to the bar to hang out with the guys.  Be right back." He said this on our wedding night.  I was shocked that he would leave his bride and cried myself to sleep.  He did not come right back, and I did not go looking for him.  His stall tactic worked. We did not make love on our wedding night.

41. Having sex with you is “boring.” You don’t do anything exciting.

42. All people slow down with sex after they are married for a while.

43. You don’t have enough experience in bed to satisfy me.

44. You have terrible breath, so I can’t stand to kiss you.

45. You are too flat-chested.

46. You need to have a breast reduction.

47. Your body is sagging.

48. You aren’t willing to use toys with me.

49. You don’t have a good sexual technique and you can’t learn that.

50. You don’t know how to please a man.

 

 If you have some other excuses that your husbands have given you over the years, please share them with me in this newsletter or write a note for my blog which you can access on my website at . Let’s give women some signs of what they need to be looking for so they won’t have to wonder any more.

A special thanks to all of my online support group members who were kind enough to share this with me and our readers! 

Just in case you are still questioning your “sexual” relationship with your husband, I will have an excellent expert on my radio show Straight Wives Radio Show next Sunday evening, September 18th. Dr. Gloria Brame, author of the newly released “The Truth About Sex” will answer questions from our women about their sex lives and what should be “normal” in a relationship. You can feel free to call into the show on Sunday evening at (646) 716-4893 and talk to Dr. Brame live between 10 – 11 p.m. EST. 

To listen to the show, copy this link which gives you access to the show live or anytime that you have time to listen since it is always available on the Internet:

bonnielkaye/2011/09/18/straight-wives-talk-show

You can also email me questions to ask Dr. Brame if you prefer at Bonkaye@.

This show should give you a sense of what to expect in a healthy sexual relationship.

MAILBAG

Each month, I get some wonderful letters from the women in my support network. I share one or two of these letters to give hope and inspiration to all of you. If you would like to contribute a letter, please write to me and I will ask you for permission to publish your letter.

Dear Bonnie:

 

I have written you several times during the past year always sad and needing your advice. This email is different-a big milestone for me. All of the other correspondence was about recovery, this one is discovery.

Each day that passes, I feel stronger and believe it or not, happier.

 

I hope that maybe you will be able to share some of this when someone emails you when they are trying to make sense of something that is so difficult to understand and comprehend.  This has been my light bulb moment.

 

My husband of eight years walked out on me two weeks after a breast cancer diagnosis.

It was a devastating time for me but I didn't have the time or energy to concentrate on his leaving- I was going to focus on me (for a change).

 

Now that I am cancer-free and the divorce was final, I began the journey of finding out the devastating truth.  Your newsletters, books and support through emails, friends, family and lots of prayer helped but I still lived in the denial.  Constantly wondering if it was me and not that he was gay-NOW I KNOW BETTER.

 

Our marriage was the classic Gay/Straight marriage:  Lack of intimacy, anger, the "blame game", walking on eggshells and living in a state of what you so adeptly call "the circle of crazy." Two years after the divorce, I found an old computer that he used in his office packed away for all this time.  I set it up and did some research of the internet cookies. There was my absolute truth staring me right in the face. 210 gay porn sites, not to mention ads and prepaid telephone cards. No questions remain.

 

On this discovery mission, I did some real soul searching and this is what helped me the most. I know the Gay closet is a crowded place. Our husbands live in there with denial, fear, shame, religious beliefs, secrets, lies and exhaustion from keeping their true self from being discovered. Then I imagined the whole world being homosexual and a percentage of people being straight, which of course included me.  To be accepted, could I possibly marry another woman in order to hide who I really was....the answer was no.  The thought of marriage, and all that entailed, to a female made my skin crawl.  Now I know how my husband felt with me. It was not who he is or is intended to be.  I say this, not to excuse him, but to finally understand that no matter how attractive, attentive or intelligent we are WE CANNOT CHANGE OURSELVES ENOUGH, PRAY ENOUGH, WISH ENOUGH OR LOVE ENOUGH TO CHANGE OUR HUSBANDS SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

And this brought me to the fact that we exist in the "Wife's Closet".  It's crowded in there too. There we find our loss of esteem (both self and sexual), doubt, unwarranted criticism, worry about our children, loneliness and despair, just to name a few. I didn't just emerge from that crowded closet, I burst out. This "make believe" wife is no more. Now I not only know I deserve better but I demand it and I will not settle for anything less.

My ex has since pulled another innocent, unknowing woman into the betrayal and just had a baby. Sadly, I am sure you will be hearing from her sometime in the future.

 

Thank you Bonnie for your unending support and concern for all of us "Make Believe" wives. Words are not adequate to express just how much you helped me.

 

My Eternal Gratitude and Fondness,

Grace

 

Hi Bonnie

I just finished reading “Over the Cliff” and I am absolutely speechless. I found the book to be so informative. It answered a lot of questions I have never been able to get answers to. I am so happy that you and Doug wrote this book together. I am beginning to fully understand the difference between gay guys just having a sexual relationship with each other just for sex and then becoming emotionally involved. I always just thought the emotion was already there.

I did find a lot of comfort in knowing that almost all of the men Doug interviewed said they loved their wives when they married them. Don't get me wrong--that doesn't excuse what they did. I did find it interesting that some of the men interviewed 1 to 2 years later after coming out that some of them were still depressed and confused. I was very impressed with all the guidelines that you and Doug gave to all the women and men in these marriages on how to come out to your wife and the process that we women have to go through with the grieving, and the anger and healing to put our lives back together.

I feel truly blessed to have your support group and Doug as my guide line to helping me along the way. Every time I read a newsletter or an article the Doug wrote, I learn a little more than I knew before. I was surprised to find out after reading the book that I never went through the angry stage after my husband came out, and I am not quite sure how to go about it now. Maybe that’s why after 4 years i still have not moved on. I could really use some advice on how to go through the anger stage. I hope every woman that is in a GAY/Straight marriage has the opportunity to read Over the Cliff. I was truly inspired. May God bless you both for all that you do to help all women and men everywhere. I certainly don't know where i would be today without your help. My sincere love and appreciation as always

Mary

Well friends, that’s it for this month. Next month I’ll be announcing some new projects I’ll be working on to help intensify your needs for support which will include face-to-face get togethers through a data base when people are requesting it, support for the adult children of gay fathers, and online support chat in the United Kingdom and Australia.

My love to all of you, and buy our new book!

Love, Bonnie (

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