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Actions Helpful For A Good MarriageDadContentsIntroductionSix Habits To Maintain In Marriage. Marriage Is About Treating One Another As Best FriendsMarriage Is About Managing ConflictsMarriage Is About Actions Than Talking SometimesMarriage Is About Encouraging More And Criticizing LessMarriage Is About Location, Location, LocationMarriage Is About Being The Best, Not Demanding the Best Conclusion - Commitment and PersistenceIntroductionI hope you will take time to read these brief vignettes about my thoughts on how to keep having a good marriage. The content page above suggest what I believe are essential habits to maintaining a good marriage. My marriage to Mom/Janet is far from perfect but I am convinced certain habits are critical in constantly pursuing. Marriage really is all about ways to keep treating one another as best friends or how you wish to be treated. I hope you will take time to read it even though it is from your Dad. I think I offer some ideas that are not talked a lot about in marriage books, such as acting rather than always talking your way out of a problem. The most important thing I can do as a Dad has already been done and that was to love you as I understood how my Creator loves me. But, I felt sharing my own personal experiences and working experiences with couples was important as well. The good news is that I don’t think a book on marriage has to be lengthy. I was one of those who read a great deal on marriage because of my profession and because I did not have any role models growing up. Brevity does acknowledge that marriage isn’t always easy by simply telling couples what they must do. Individual couples have to work out their own solutions while being guided by a few basic principles. I hope my ideas will serve as a jumping point for you to continually decide what makes your marriage work. Most get married because of the deep friendship that they have developed. Marriages often don’t last because one or both partners stopping acting like best friends toward one another. Marriages obviously though have unique challenges from other types of friendship because of the 24/7 nature of the relationship and dependence on one another. Finally, learn to be spiritually compatible or at least respectful of one another’s spiritual views. I think the greatest advantage in being a God-follower is the impact it has on my motivations. I have always sensed deep down that good enough isn’t enough. That is on God! Marriages can fail despite an 85% success rate. The best goal of marriage or any relationship is aiming for perfection. Often, our beliefs about God shape our attitudes toward God. The God I know is slow to judge, always supportive, always insightful, always encouraging in being the kind of partner I deep down desire to be though I fall short often. Marriage Is About Treating One Another As Best Friends. Marriage is constantly remembering why you got marriage in the first place. Most get married because we are best friends but then marriages get in trouble when we stop acting as best friends. Marriage is complicated but simply – all you have to do in marriage is to decide and follow through what advice you would give your best friend. It helps when both partners follow such advice but sometimes one partner has to initiate and stay strong. Yep! Happily married couples abide by the golden rule. The golden rule of all relationships is to simply treat others as you wish to be treated. If we treat our partner consistently like we wish to be treated, characterized by respect, affection, and empathy, marriages are good. There are challenges in 7 days-a-week relationships such as sharing closets, bathrooms, bedrooms, in-laws, children, etc. We may not always know exactly why the relationship is struggling, but marriages stay stuck when we aren’t living out the golden rule. When stuck start by changing yourself rather than trying to change your partner. Couples don’t naturally think about the golden rule violation but instead wonder: How Can Something So Right Go So Wrong! It can depend on one’s dating experience, but most realize that a 24-hour/7 day relationship will have challenges. But, we can get caught off guard if struggles mount making marriage seems so hard at times. Don’t be quick to give up though. Problems are normal. I believe many of us enter a committed relationship, and certainly this is true for many who grow apart, without one essential attitude: an understanding and sometimes willingness to differentiate between desires and expectations. One who begins a relationship knowing that he/she does not have a right to expect everything he/she desires sets him/herself up for success. With this attitude, even long-term relationships that have found some bumps in the road can turn the relationship around for the good. This one main attitude adjustment can revolutionize the relationship. Simply stated, all of our desires must not become expectations or demands. Then, they are no longer just personal desires. One begins to say to themselves “my partner must understand and support my working long hours to obtain certain financial goals; my partner needs to want to visit my parents regularly and soak in their wisdom about our defects.” It is normal and should not be denied that we all enter a relationship with certain desires such as whether to own a home, visit the family on a regular basis, have 2.3 children, etc. We don’t have to deny we have such desires, but rather to evaluate if we have a right to allow our desires to be expectations. One example of a reasonable expectation is that one’s partner will be faithful. While most enter into a relationship with the desire to have a faithful partner, he/she also has a right to expect this desired faithfulness. With other significant moral issues like drug use or abuse, one has a similar right to expect what he/she also desires. Often though, relationship problems are not due to moral problems, but rather to “amoral” expectations. These expectations, like how to spend money or how often to be intimate, can be complicated to work through, but they are much more easily dealt with when desires don’t end up being communicated as expectations aka “demands.” The most common problem in committed relationships is an unwillingness to accept inevitable incompatibilities. Imagine both partners emphasizing the good and letting go of the negative if not moral. It helps when couples try to out-serve one another: “how can I make a difference.” When in trouble always ask and act on the questions: Are you treating your partner as you wish to be treated?What would you tell your best friend to do if having the same challenge? Do it!Marriage Is About Managing ConflictsOne of the most important things in marriage is to expect conflict or difference and know how to discuss and solve such differences. Troubled marriages discuss their conflicts loudly. Good marriages discuss problems in a calm matter. Constantly search how to solve differences in a creative manner. We do it all the time with friends. The problem isn’t that there are differences. This is normal where ever two are more are gathered. Differences are magnified when partners don’t discuss their problems calmly on a consistent basis so a solution can be discovered. Display of anger happens less at work than home relationships because fewer are around to see you act like a fool. Determine specific boundaries, physically and verbally, that you are accountable to not violate. It is always better to stop a discussion and try again later than “let anger fly.” Listen to your partner’s opinions and find a way to agree on a cooperative living plan when conflicts arise. Learn how to live happily incompatible! Expecting long-term relationships to be conflict-free is unrealistic. Partners early in the relationship start fighting and continue to argue over the years about their different opinions on issues such as money, and in-laws. No wonder after years of these behaviors partners grow apart and began to question if they were meant for one another. There are reasonable moral expectations for a relationship such as monogamy or not using illegal drugs, but it is not a reasonable expectation for your partner to have the same preferences, desires, and aspirations. It requires work hard to come up with creative solutions.Speak to one another like you want to be spoken to. Often problems escalate because partners don't listen and wait until their partner is finished. Determine specific boundaries, physically and verbally, that you are accountable for. Name-calling, raising your voice and other similar behaviors are for the childish. Nothing productive happens when yelling at each other. Feeling respected by your partner does wonders for the relationship. Couples often discuss differences when they are exhausted, when other responsibilities are pressing. Plan carefully when you communicate about difficult issues. Agree ahead of time to stop all discussions when voices are raised and not lowered immediately. Then, you don’t have to contend with the damage caused by anger outbursts. Couples get married often for what they have in common. These commonalities don’t go away but we often quit appreciating and enjoying them as differences overshadow them. Don’t let what you don’t have in common destroy the relationship. Don’t begin discussions thinking and acting as if someone is right and the other person is wrong. The enemy may not be your partner. The enemy is certain behaviors that ultimately do not allow couples to live in harmony despite their differences. Celebrate success. Learn from failures. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is a calm and happy relationship despite our differences. Do you have anger rules and agree to stop the discussion and try again later when these boundaries are violated?Marriage Is About Actions Than Talking SometimesMarriages need creative ways to solve problems once calmness boundaries are established how to discuss such problems. Talking sometimes is overrated as distressed couple begins to parse every word and sentence. Happily married couples often act more than they talk. Avoid conversations that end up in accusations and feelings related to past failures. Feelings can depend on daily circumstances unrelated to the problem at hand and past problems. Couples “act” themselves into conflict; couples must “act” themselves out of conflict. One essential action for couples is to focus more on the future than the past. Focusing on problems in the past often leads to “who did what” discussions” which often don’t lead to finding a solution “who does what.” The challenge with focusing on problems in the past is that there is not always a clear connection between problem behaviors and solution behaviors. When negative feelings occupy the mind, which happens when people focus on problems and the past, they can block out other perceptions, possibilities, and pleasures. Besides, the past can’t be changed but the future can. When focusing on problems the questions often have a negative tone: Why are you that way? Why are you so blind to my point of view? It is more natural for couples, when having problems, to focus on the past rather than possibilities for the future. Analyze the last argument you had or take mental notes the next time you have conflict with your partner. The Dance is called “Who Did What.” Couples who dwell on problems end up fighting about what percentage of blame each partner should own. What does it matter how much each is to blame? Most partners just want relief. I will gladly take more of the blame if change is around the corner. Couples need to do something different, because what you are doing isn’t working!A second essential action is to not focus on feelings but rather set specific, action-oriented goals to change the momentum. Feelings are not always reality or objective. Someone may say and feel “my relationship is the worst it has ever been.” A panel of judges looking over your life may come up with a different opinion. When we allow ourselves to always dwell on negative feelings, they can block out possibilities and pleasures. Your feelings in the present do not determine how you will feel in the future. We expect feelings to change first but changes in actions lead to changes in feelings. Determine your satisfaction in the relationship based on objective goals. Vague or nonspecific goals hinder success. It is important to determine your destination before embarking upon change. We do this in our careers or when planning a vacation. Relationships are no different. Stating, “I want to be happy” doesn’t offer a clue what actions are necessary for change. Stating, “I want to go out on Friday nights and work out twice this week to feel better,” informs what actions can lead to a change in unhappy feelings. “Spend more time with me” is vague versus “go out on a date with me every Friday for a month”“Quit leaving your socks all over the place” is vague versus “please each night when you change put your clothes in the laundry basket”“Be more sexual” is vague versus “let’s try to make love once a week and if we haven’t by such and such evening, I will bring it up for discussion”Remember, small changes often must happen before big changes. When change is difficult with big problems, work on smaller problems. Change can have a ripple effect. Stop arguing, debating, doing nothing, dwelling on your feelings and try something different. Problems are inevitable but to keep hope alive, positive momentum needs to rule more than negative momentum. Speak proactiv“ese” not reactiv“ese.” Don’t ask your partner why they don’t care. Ask your partner if they will call you once this week to ask how your day is going. Don’t ask your partner why they never plan anything. Ask your partner if they could go to the park this weekend to take a walk. When your partnership is in trouble or you are having conflict, and what relationships don’t, you can begin to change the momentum if you devise a very specific action-based, future plan. Then, you can explore the past in time if even necessary. The pain of the past may loss its sting when the relationship gets back on track. Are you identifying what specific actions aren’t working so you can try something different?Are you fighting over “who did what” or discussing “who does what” to get unstuck?Marriage Is About Encouraging More And Criticizing LessWe will make this short and sweet. It isn’t rocket science. It is often more about attitude than understanding. We all know how to encourage: we just don’t always remember to keep things in perspective. This may seem so obviously but you would be amazed when marriage gets in ruts, constructive, “holy” criticisms outnumber the positive things we say to one another. It just is human nature. No relationship can thrive if words are mostly critical than encouraging, even if they are “constructive.” Watch your relationship turn around in a hurry based on your comments to one another.Is your ratio of encouraging to critical remarks at least 6:1?Are you dwelling on the good about your partner and letting go of the negative if not moral?Marriage Is About Location, Location, LocationI wish I didn’t have to mention this subject but it is one of the main reasons that marriages fail. Who doesn’t know that happily married couples live by moral absolutes to protect their marriage? Absolutes such as non-abuse are obvious to most. Marriages will not survive if both partners do not believe that emotional and physical abuse is unacceptable behaviors. No one causes another to be abusive; we choose such behaviors. There is another common immoral behavior that destroys marriages but catches many off guard. Some justify their abuse or blame it on their past, but most accept adultery being wrong. Marriages obviously cannot succeed if one does not believe adultery is immoral and that there are no excuses for engaging in such behaviors. Betrayal often happens when couples act their way out of love aka not acting like best friends. Then, they began to justify behavioral such as flirting which leads to adultery. Many though commit adultery not because their marriage is on the rocks but because they did not guard against temptation. It is critical to establish guidelines about interactions with the opposite sex, such as not being alone at certain times in certain places, to empower one to succeed. Love isn’t always enough in marriages. Avoid temptation. We must determine specific actions we will take to live by our absolutes and accept there are no excuses for immoral behaviors. Betrayal happens for two reasons – falling out of love or temptation. The way to avoid temptation – location, location, location!Just a brief word about if to stay married just for the sake of staying married when moral boundaries are crossed. It depends. Behaviors such as abuse, adultery, or addiction must be dealt with first or reconciliation is nearly impossible. The innocent party that is being betrayed may need to develop a plan of action for the guilty to make a choice: “What you are doing is unacceptable. I have found three professionals we can go to for help. Will you choose one?” There are no good reasons or excuses for immoral actions, regardless of the state of your marriage. Watch and listen to one’s language to see if they blame others for their own behaviors.Marriage Is About Being The Best, Not Demanding the Best I believe people want to be always the person they deep down desire to be. Who doesn’t want to be less self-centered! Marriages can fail despite an 85% success rate. Being good enough isn’t enough. Great marriages aren’t about not as bad as other partners. The best goal of marriage or any relationship is aiming for perfection. My view of God inspires me to pursue perfection in my relationships without being paralyzed by guilt when failing. I have the “want to” to be perfect. That is on God! Many people care about being more the person they deep down desire to be. I think of this as being more spiritual-minded. People may not pursue spirituality more because they are told being spiritual is being religious. This isn’t necessarily the case. Most religious leaders define spirituality as loving others like you want to be loved. Christians may be even surprised this was Jesus’ message along with how God could help us in such a journey. Also, in a broken world we must consider how to love others who have hurt us. Such a definition can allow people to encourage one another in this endeavor without debating necessary beliefs. I have always wanted to be a great husband toward Mom/Janet. I fall short frequently, but I remain desirous to take responsibility for and confess wrongdoings than blame others. I am convinced God play a role in me continually pursuing perfection while not being paralyzed by guilt when failing. God helps me avoid stupid thinking that marriage is only about being good 85% of the time or not as bad as other partners. The biggest reason for being a God-follower is the continual inspiration received in striving to be the kind of person we deep down desire to be. My attitudes don’t always translate into actions but I cannot imagine the man I would be without God. The encouragement I feel from my God is the encouragement I have always desired from my parents. God doesn’t seek adoration for ego reasons. God seeks our love and respect to provide comfort and security and empowerment. God is no different than a selfless, uncontrolling parent who we come to trust always has our best interest in mind. I doubt you will regret pursuing more of a connection with your Creator any more than regretting having more of a connection with your partner, children, or friends. Do you desire to be more of a spiritual person or treating others well? Know how to be on track and get back on track with this when discouraged. My view of God’s love for me does this for me. God’s love is the love you always imagine would be true of a loving God. God’s love is the love we deep down desire to show others consistently. Perseverance And Commitment Are Essential I hope you got this far. See, it wasn’t so bad! I decided to try to put as briefly as possible what I thoughts were essential habits of a good marriage. I hope you never need the following advice but there may come a time when you feel like giving up on the marriage. That is understandable if there are moral problems in the relationships. But, sometimes couples just stop treating one another consistently like good friends and so one wishes to give up. Please don’t give up easily especially if children are involved. Love is a feeling. You can fall in “feeling” love and you can fall out of “feeling” love. You married in the first place because you both enjoyed one another’s friendship. You just have stopped acting like friends for whatever reason. Marriage isn’t always easy. Research doesn’t prove that second marriages are any better. There still is just the two of you. Will you only quit the marriage when the other partner refuses you or refuses to change certain behaviors that are just not acceptable to most? If you determine the need to divorce, will you seek out the wisdom of many people before making such a life changing decision? Please understand you have to be all in or you are out. You can’t have one foot out the door. One cannot be involved with a different person emotionally or physically and think they are giving their marriage a chance. Perseverance and commitment is essential. Sometimes, couples give up when they have failures. We don’t do this in other aspects of our life. Just because we flunk a course, should we quit school? Just because we are demoted in a job we love, should we change jobs? Just because our kids don’t follow our moral guidelines, should we stop loving them? Failures can be opportunities to learn what isn’t working. Failures can teach us what to avoid as we struggle to find something that works. Setbacks are inevitable. Take a time-out. Start doing one thing at a time differently and watch the relationship change for the better. A 24/7 relationship is an awesome thing, but it is not without its hard work and ups and downs. Those who enter marriage with more of a realistic view of relationship often get off to a better start and are more prepared for difficult times ahead. But, if their marriage hit hard times, they may start to lose hope. Divorce often can create more problems than it solves. I am not arguing for staying married without making changes. That is hardly the ideal option. An essential attitude before getting married and when the marriage is in trouble is to be committed to making it work – till death do us part. I believe anything is possible when both partners have this attitude. Couples committed over the long haul don’t put themselves under the pressure of resolving matters immediately. Just as it takes time and is hard to earn a degree or to obtain a new athletic skill, we often forget the importance of perseverance in relationships when matters get tough. Keep in mind damage done over years takes time to repair. When something isn’t working, don’t give up; try something different. Understand failures happen. Learn from them to prevent future problems. Avoid rubbing failure in your partner’s face if they are making a genuine effort to change. One must first commit to persevering, not giving up. The first thing that enters our mind when times get tough is to bail or start thinking thoughts such as “I married the wrong person,” “I know I could be happy if I just find the right person.” There aren’t any future marriage partners out there without their share of problems. It may be best to attempt to save the marriage. ................
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