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WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE IS GRIEVING

By Judy Barbuto

ITA member and chaplain, Judy Barbuto, has graciously provided us with these guidelines to help when we are dealing with clients who are dying themselves or grieving the loss of a loved one.

Often we just don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one. This is the time to use your best listening skills. Allow the person’s heart to speak to yours in the silences. Comments that may encourage a grieving person to share his or her story.

You might say:

• I’m sorry.

• I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.

• How are you feeling today.

• I just don’t know what to say.

• It feels all right if you cry in front of me, or if we cry together.

• Take your time. I am here to listen. I can see this is hard.

• For a grieving spouse: “How did you meet him/her?”

• Tell me about him/her.

• Tell me about your feelings.

• I imagine you have a lot of memories about him/her.

• Use any communication-encouragers that sound natural to you.

• Show your interest by continuing to listen.

Phrases to avoid:

• I know just how you feel.

• I understand perfectly.

• It was G-d’s will.

• He’s in a better place.

• It’s okay.

• At least you have other children.

• He had a good, long life.

• G-d needed him more than you did.

• You’re young. You can find someone else, get married again, have another baby, etc.

• He would want you to get on with your life.

• You should ____.

• You shouldn’t ___.

• You need to ___.

• You have to be strong.

• After a little while you will get over it.

• Now you can put this behind you and move forward with your life.

• You poor thing, to have lost your mom.

• Sometimes it’s just easier to put them in the ground.

• You’re the man of the family now.

• Call me if you need anything.

What to do:

• Allow all feelings to be brought out. Listen. If you are shocked, talk later with your support people.

• Let the grieving person lead the way.

• Listen much more than you speak.

• Leave your own values and beliefs out of the conversation.

• Keep in mind that all losses are unique. Each person is her own authority on grief.

• Let the grieving person dictate how much time you spend together.

• Use the correct language rather than euphemisms. The beloved has died-he is dead, not “gone to his greater reward.” He is not “lost” or “passed on”. If you can do this, it helps the grieving one to accept the reality. If you deny the reality of the death, the grieving person may feel they have to deny it as well in order to please you.

• Listen to the story multiple times. With each telling, the person may offer more integration of the story in their mind.

• If you ask questions, ask those that require more than a simple yes or no response.

• Nonverbal communication can help as well. Lean toward the person. You may nod, have intermittent eye contact, and touch the arm or shoulder if this feels right for the grieving person and for you.

• Show on your face that you care and you are listening.

• If the person needs to cry, let them cry. You don’t have to stop them or encourage them to stop.

• There isn’t anything you can say that will make this all okay. Just sit quietly and let your client say anything and everything that comes to mind. It is one of the best ways you can be there with him.

Care for the Caregiver:

• Pace yourself. Know your own limits concerning bereavement visits.

• Spend some time alone to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings.

• Listen to your favorite music.

• Find your own valued friend to talk with about your caregiving. Talk with your program coordinator or staff.

• Spend time with your own family.

• Meitate, read, or enjoy your favorite hobby regularly.

• Visit someplace that you find relaxing and peaceful, such as a church, synagogue, art gallery or park.

• Pray if prayer speaks to your spirit. Allow for mystery and healing.

• Write a journal.

• Eat well.

• Get adequate rest.

• Hug your therapy animal.

• Live well yourself.

Intermountain Therapy Animals, PO Box 17201, Salt Lake City, UT 84117 . Tel 801-272-3439 Fax 801-272-3470

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