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Counseling Skills PaperExplaining Death to ChildrenAlison WinnenNotre Dame De Namur University AbstractThis paper breaks down a beautifully written and illustrated children’s book that offers readers a harmonious way to view death. In Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, Robert Ingpen and Bryan Mellonie give readers a way to discuss death to children in a simple and direct way. Developmentally, children cannot comprehend information like adults. Thus they often become confused when someone they love passes away. This paper explores the theoretical orientation and stereotypes that the authors use to address the message of their book. This paper also observes two different articles that cover the topic of explaining death to children in unique ways. Finally, this paper takes the reader through the journey of learning, doubt, and realization that I, Alison Winnen, went through in order to complete this transformative paper. Counseling Skills and Explaining Death to ChildrenCounselors hold an exceptional importance in the value and well-being of people throughout society. People rely on counselors to help get them through their problems and other situations that they would not be able to handle alone. They provide guidance using different counseling approaches and theories that help the individual in need overcome and work though the challenging life challenges. As clinicians, they do not exclusively help one person, but they also work with families, children, and groups of people. Clinicians implement several different resources that aid them in learning distinct techniques and methods to provide the best counseling possible. Although there are many, one of the most accessible and successful resources available is books. Books carry a vast amount of information and guidance that counselors cannot find elsewhere. Through books, authors are able to share their knowledge and experiences which in turn gives counselors different viewpoints, sharper knowledge, and overall provide a more successful path to helping their clients.I specifically chose to analyze and study a book written by Mellonie and Ingpen called Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. This book illustrates the cycle of life and what every living thing has in common: a beginning, a middle and an end. It specializes in breaking down how and why all living things must come to an end. This book is especially beneficial to counselors and adults because many adults struggle to find a way to explain death and grief to children. Children interpret information differently and struggle to comprehend why death is inevitable. For both adults and counselors, this book provides a manner to address children about death. It helps create a deeper connection between the child and adult when discussing death. The reason I chose this book is because I was interested in researching a way to successfully explain death to a child. I work with kids on a daily basis and there are several students I encounter who have experienced the death of a loved one. Because I work with children and plan to continue to work with youth and incorporate counseling in my future career goals, I believe reading and analyzing this book would be extremely beneficial and will help me reach my future goals. Theoretical OrientationThe authors of Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, Ingpen and Mellonie, reach out to both adults and children by using different theoretical orientations. In this book, the authors refer to the three stages of life; the beginning, the middle and the end. This beginning and end of our life cycle signifies a relation to the existential theory, which majorly focuses on death. Viktor Frankl, a man who experienced the traumatic loss of his family in the concentration camps during the Holocaust, founded this counseling approach. Irvin Yalom also was a major influence in the emergence of the existential theory. He concentrated on the four fundamental human concerns: death, freedom, existential isolation and meaninglessness. The existential theory is a philosophical way of thinking that concentrates on encouraging the clients to reflect on life, recognize their range of alternatives and decide among them. The central goal of this concept is to have clients search for the value and meaning within their life. Ingpen and Mellonie provide children with a very specific understanding of death. The beginning and end that these authors present throughout their book represents a simplistic and peaceful way to view death. It encourages readers to reflect on the naturality of life and death which allows them to ask questions and understand the deep human experiences. The authors also talk about the “in between” of one’s life that denotes the lifetime of an individual. This concept of lifetime is associated with the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) approach. This counseling theory looks at the thoughts of the individual, studies how they can be modified and, finally, creates an action plan to change behavior. CBT specializes in helping people become aware of their negative thoughts and collaborates with the client to construct a strategy that will lead them to positive thinking. The “in between”, which the authors refer to, represents a person being able to live a life of lessons and teachings. One is able to build cognitive and strategic skills that ultimately lead to a healthy successful existence. Through this process of living, one encounters different thoughts and feelings that lead to specific behaviors. The authors of Lifetimes talk about the different situations that possibly can occur during our “in between”. They talk about how all living things have a unique “in between” because of their size and where they came from. When the reader processes this information, thoughts and feelings begin to develop. If children read this book, it allows them to ask their caregiver guided questions to help them build cognitive skills and change their perception of death. Target PopulationThis illustrated children’s picture book is focused on a young audience. It is, however, also particularly beneficial to parents and people who help care for youth. The book is directed towards explaining the passing of loved ones to children in a way that allows them to comprehend death in a serene and understanding manner. Often times, parents and caregivers struggle to find the correct words to say when trying to explain why and how the life of someone they deeply care for can end so suddenly. This book provides adults with a specific approach to help enlighten their child on grasping the inevitable truth that every living thing will eventually come to an end. This is a simply-worded book that helps both children and adults fathom that every living thing carries the same life cycle of a beginning, an in between, and an end.Brief SynopsisLifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children is a book written by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. In 1983, these authors worked together to create a peacefully written and simply illustrated book that provides children and parents with a sensitive, yet understanding way to comprehend the struggles of grasping death and the intense feelings that come along with it. In this book, Mellonie and Ingpen explain how every living being’s life has a beginning, an ending, and an in between. They refer to these living individuals as “living things.” The beginning stage of a living thing represents when it is first born, or when it takes its first breath. This thing that was just created is now perceived as alive, its lifetime finally beginning. Once this occurs, the authors introduce a part of life that all living creatures have in common, an in between. According to them, the in between designates the entire life of the particular species. Every living species has a unique in between and faces different obstacles and challenges in order to maintain it. The duration of a living creature’s in between depends on what exactly its species is and what its life events are. At times, during someone’s in between, illness or injury may occur. In many cases the living creature is able to heal and preserve life. There are, however, times when a creature gets so hurt that healing is not possible. The authors explain how this can happen when a living species is young, old or anywhere in between. When this occurs, the in between of a living creature turns into an ending. In an ending, there is no longer an in between and the living thing is no longer alive, it’s in between has come to an end. The authors use different examples of living things which include plants, people, birds, fish, trees and animals. Ingpen and Mellonie use each of these categories of living species to explain the beginning, in between and the end. This helps the reader understand why everyone’s lifetime is not the same. Overall, this children’s picture book provides an understandable and easy way for children and adults to grasp the difficult concept of death. It accomplishes this by implementing beautiful illustrations and creatively worded phrases. The authors remind the reader that all living things share one commonality: a beginning, an in between, and en end-- something we refer to as life. The Authors TeachingsChildren have difficulty coping and understanding why death happens to their most loved ones. When they experience the loss of a significant other, parents and guardians often find it difficult to help them comprehend that their loved one is gone forever. When someone dies, it is common for children to think that their beloved will return. They are not old enough to understand that when someone passes away, they will never see that person alive again. Children struggle to fathom exactly what death is. They become extremely upset and confused when they call for mommy but she never comes. Mellonie and Ingpen work together and use their creative writing skills to provide the reader with a way of explaining death to children. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children gives youths an understanding of what life and death is. Lifetimes tells children about our beginning, end and our in between. This book teaches them that all living things have their own unique lifetimes, and that all lifetimes are never the same. The authors utilize various examples of living things such as plants, people, birds, fish, animals and insects. Children are able to apply this information along with their own understanding of death to help them cope with the loss of their loved one. Perpetuated Stereotypes from the AuthorsThe authors of Lifetimes use several analogies and examples to help portray how all living things have a beginning, an in between, and an end. They use different categories of living species such as plants, people, birds, fish, trees, and animals. The authors choose a certain breed from each group and describe the meaning of each of their in between. After observing the texts and artwork exhibited through the book, however, certain perpetuated stereotypes are apparent. The first stereotype I distinguished in the book pertains to the idea that bigger things last longer. The book highlights a giant tree living for a long time, “Trees that are tall and strong grow slowly, standing in the sunshine and in the rain. Some of them live for a very long time indeed, as long as a hundred years or more” (Ingpen & Mellonie, 18). In this text, the authors are implying that only big and strong living things can last a long time. They use the analogy of “sunshine” and “rain” as a depiction to show that even through the precious and deleterious times of its life, the great big grand tree will still have a longer in between because of its size. The author fails to explain that even a giant tree can have a short lifetime possibly due to weather disasters, deforestation, pesticides, or other diseases that can quickly turn the giant living species in between to an end. Another stereotype that Ingpen and Mellonie continue to maintain in the book’s text is the perceived idea that smaller living species have shorter life spans. The authors use several examples throughout their book that highlight the preconceived belief that smaller things cannot live as long as bigger things. When the authors use a bird as an example of an in between they state, “How long the bird lives seems to depend upon their size. Mostly, the bigger they are, the longer they will be alive. That is the way birds live, some for as long as fifty years, other no more than two or three.” (Ingpen & Mellonie, pg. 26). This statement helps depict how the authors portray that smaller things cannot live as long. The authors go on to using the same stereotype for fish, plants, people, and insects. Mellonie and Ingpen imply that if a living creature is small, it will have a short life. They do not recognize, however, that this is not the case for all small species. It is definitely possible that a small bird can live longer than a giant tree. If a fire where to break out in the middle of the forest, the tiny bird would be able to escape and fly away, where as the tree would be trapped and burned down. In several instances, bigger things do have a higher chance at a longer life and smaller things are more likely to die sooner. It is important, nonetheless, to acknowledge that living things’ in betweens end based on their life circumstances and not particularly because of their size.Article AnalyzationAlthough the decision was hard because of the massive selections of articles on children and grief, I decided to analyze Helping Children Deal With Grief, written by Rachel Ehmke, and Explaining Death to Children, authored by Dan Waddell. These two articles each share a unique perspective that gives adults different ways to help children cope with the unbearable challenges of losing a loved one. The first article, Helping Children Deal With Grief, is more of a how-to article explaining different situations that one may encounter while supporting a child who is dealing with grief. Rachel Ehmke gives beneficial advice that parents and guardians are able to use in order to help their child comprehend the loss of a loved one. This article breaks down the process that a child may go through when managing the struggle of losing someone very close. It also talks about the main challenges that a majority of children experience and provides the reader with alternative ways to handle those situations. This article is similar to Lifetimes because both of the written texts approach death in a delicate yet specific way in order to target children. On the other hand, this article differs from Lifetimes because, instead of providing an understandable perspective for children, it teaches parents useful information that will help their child overcome the battle of dealing with death. Ehmke is vastly utilizing the existential theoretical orientation because she discusses the topic of death. She also provides the reader with guided advice and questions that they can ask their child to increase the child’s self awareness and understanding of death. Death is not an easy issue to grasp. The author, therefore, encourages the reader to help the child view mortality in a philosophical way, which greatly leans towards the existential approach. The second article, Explaining Death to Children, is written by Dan Waddell, a father whose son lost his wife to a rapidly spreading cancer. When his wife Emma Waddell passed away, their son, Douggie, was only three years old. Waddell explains his grieving process over the loss of his wife, and how their younger son dealt his mom’s death. He discusses the immense struggles he went through attempting to explain to his son why his mom would never come back and exactly where she was. He mentions how Douggie was extremely confused and could not comprehend the idea of death. Douggie kept telling his Dad that one day mom would come back, he just did not know why it was taking her so long. Waddell describes how difficult this was because he knew his wife was gone forever. He just did not have a way to explain this painful fact to his son. Waddell later writes about how he started using books and pictures to help Douggie grasp what death was. He also mentions how telling a “Mommy Story” once a day provided Douggie with a great deal of closure. Although the author of this article talks about explaining death to children, I would say that this article contrasts from Lifetimes because of the kind of article that it is. This article shares an experience that a man had when enduring the loss of the mother of his child, and how he helped his son through the process. He explains the challenges and victories that he and his son endured in coming to a better understanding of death. This article also implies the existential theory because of the message it delivers: Although death can be very difficult to live with, in time people will learn how to better cope with those feelings by striving to understand the deep human experiences, and finding another path to meaning. One of the many beauties of counseling is all the information counselors contribute to helping each other reach their full potential as counselors. Counselors do not compete to be better than one another. Rather they work together to provide the best support that they can for their clients. One of the many ways that counselors achieve this is by writing on similar topics. When it comes to any profession, one can never stop learning how to be better in their field. Counselors write on corresponding topics to share their knowledge and experience with others. They use this information to learn new strategies and techniques to better assist their clients. Counselors are so successful and well informed because of the help from their peers and colleagues. They are able to help their clientele overcome personal obstacles in great part due to the accessibility of information that they have. The Progression of MyselfAs a continuing student of consistent education, I am approaching my 17th year of completed schooling. I would not say that school has been easy for me, but with the help of my parents and my personal motivation to fulfill my goals, I have been able to get through it. I have always thrived in a hands-on learning environment. Reading and analyzing information has always been extremely challenging for me. At a young age, going outside to play with my neighborhood friends was always my first priority. I repeatedly did the bare minimum to get by in school. I did the assigned homework, I studied when I had to, and if there was a way to get through a class or achieve a passable grade without having to read, you can bet I made sure to do that. In case you may be wondering, I actually did ok in school. I would not consider myself a straight A student, however throughout my high school and college education, I was able to maintain a 3.0 grade point average. When I received my acceptance letter to Notre Dame de Namur University’s Human Services Program, I told myself that I would take my education more seriously and would try my best to get the grades I knew I was capable of. When I found out that I was a part of this counseling skills class, I was excited and knew that this would be the kick start I needed to better prepare me for my future in counseling. I knew it was not going to be easy but I made a promise to both myself and my future that I would complete the assigned work and readings to get through the class. I have worked with youth for almost four years now. I am currently employed at a middle school located in San Francisco in the Sunset District called A.P. Gianinni Middle School. Depending on the day of the week, I teach both Sports and Art. I also constantly help students work through their struggles and challenges which they experience on a daily basis. Knowing that my guidance and advice helps these students work though their problems is not only rewarding but is a constant reminder of what my future will include. Grief is a never-ending battle that students struggle with, and in many cases can be a difficult subject to talk about. When it comes to addressing grief to youth, approaching this touchy subject in a specific way is very important. Through this book and the two articles I chose to read, I have obtained several unique strategies to help support mourning students. Out of the several techniques listed, the most important advice given is to encourage the child that grieving is okay, be honest, and maintain routines. The articles explain how many children have difficulty expressing their feelings through words which can often make it challenging for the child to grieve. One of the authors, Rachel Ehmke, recommends using books and drawing pictures to allow children to express emotions that they may not be able to communicate through words. Honesty is also extremely important when helping children deal with their loss of a loved one. Often times adults will use euphemisms, such as “heaven” or “going to sleep” which confuses the child into thinking that their beloved person may return. It is probably wise to avoid these. Lastly, maintaining their regular schedule is crucial since expected everyday activities provide comfort for the child. By sticking to routine, the child is able to understand that life does go on, even if their beloved is no longer physically with them. I have always been a person who makes unrealistic goals and expectations for myself. Sometimes this is beneficial because I succeed in accomplishing goals that are unexpected of me. In all other circumstances, however, these impractical aspirations often lead to a feeling of failure and embarrassment. I like to think that I am capable of acquiring different skills, even if they usually require an abundance of time to learn. For example, as a sports teacher I would not expect a student who has never shot a ball to make a free-throw basketball. If I was learning to play basketball, however, and I did not make a basket, I would be discouraged and would want to stop playing. In this case, I went into reading my book and articles expecting to easily be able to analyze and understand the information. As soon as I began my journey through the book, I immediately began to struggle. I had a such hard time breaking down the text, I emailed my professor requesting to change my book. I felt uneducated, disappointed and to an extent, stupid. I dwelled on this feeling for awhile until I finally started coming to some realizations. I began thinking that if I do not put these extreme expectations on others, I should not be piling them on myself. Through reading my books and articles, I learned, with time, patience, and commitment, that I am able to accomplish anything I set my mind to, even things I did not think I would be able to do in the past. I would consider my educational career successful thus far. However if there were one aspect I could change regarding my past education, I would incorporate more books of my interest into my childhood. Not only would my appeal in reading increase, but reading educational books would be considerably easier. If I read more as a young child, I would be able to read quicker and understand the text without having to go over it five times. I believe that I would also consider reading more of a hobby rather than a job. Overall, completing this book and article analyzation has taught me advantageous techniques that will help me achieve my goals and aspirations. I will be able to implement these strategies with the students I work with now and in the future. This book analysis has given me the confidence to take on more complex books I never thought I would be able to read. I look forward to utilizing the skills and knowledge I obtained from this assignment because I know specific essential skills are mandatory for pursuing a career in counseling. ReferencesEhmke, Rachel. Helping children deal with grief. Child Mind Institute. Retrieved from , Robert, & Mellonie, Bryan. (1983). Lifetimes: The beautiful way to explain death to children. Australia: Bantam Books.Waddell, Dan. (2009). Explaining death to children. The Guardian. Retrieved from ................
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