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Lights Up

SCENE 1

The forest

The camera opens on an old, rotting log. It pulls up slowly to reveal a small handful of coffee beans resting in an indentation on the top.

Mike (o/s)

Eat shit and die, beans.

Mike runs to the beans carrying a rock above his head. He is wearing a black beanie, a heavy green camouflage jacket and bright blue tracksuit pants. Mike throws the beans, which, as expected, fly away on impact along with a shower of woodchips.

The camera pulls back to reveal two men sitting and watching him. To the left Andrew sits on another log, engrossed in playing a battered acoustic guitar. He wears faded jeans, no shoes and a brown hoodie which fails to cover his enormous curly hair. To his right is Brian, who's smoking a cigarette while leaning against a nearby tree. Brian is wearing what was a fashionable gray suit which is covered in mud and torn in several places. Mike staggers back into frame with one hand clutched over his face.

Mike

Guys I think there's something in my eye. Fuck me this hurts.

Brian

Do you want me to take a look at it? I took a first aid course a few months ago.

Mike

Thanks man.

Brian gestures over to the log Andrew is sitting on, and they both take a seat at the other end. Brian throws his cigarette on the ground and put its out with a twist of his foot, Andrew then looks over briefly but says nothing. Mike slowly pulls his fingers away from his eye and struggles to hold it open. Brian then looks at his face from several angles, frowns, and makes a concerned clicking noise with his tongue. Mike, one hand still clasped against his face, begins to back away.

Mike

That's not a good noise man. That is not a good noise. Is there something in there?

Brian

In my professional opinion, you have a moron's hand on your face.

Mike

Oh fuck you man that's not funny. You know I'm a hypochondriac about shit like this.

Brian

Hypochondriac? I didn't know you got word-of-the-day-calendars in prison.

Andrew

I think Jamie and Marty are back.

Mike and Brian look to Andrew, who returns to playing guitar.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 2

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST

Wide shot of two men in a nearby part of the forest walking downhill. Jamie, the shorter of the two, is wearing a thick orange coat, heavy jeans, and hiking boots that look like they've never been worn before. He is also carrying a heavy backpack with various kinds of bits and piece of camping gear tied to the outside with occy straps.

Marty, who walks a few feet ahead holding a large stick. As they walk together he absent-mindedly pulls tiny pieces of bark from its surface. He's wearing a thick corduroy jacket, frayed suit pants and several long sleeve shirts on top of each other. The camera follows a few feet in front of them as they walk.

Jamie

Did you see anything up there?

Marty

I checked at the top of the hill, no sign of people. If there's anybody else on this mountain they're either too smart or too stupid to start a fire.

Jamie

That's comforting.

Marty

Do you have anything in there for lighting fires? I asked Brian but he's not giving up that lighter.

Jamie

Well there's the proper way or the fun way.

Marty

What's the proper way?

Jamie

I can actually do the rubbing two sticks together thing. Most of this wood is pretty damp but I should be able to find enough ground material to get one going.

Marty

No shit.

Jamie

Yeah I learned a few years ago for my survivalist badge. They let you use flint and stuff but I practiced for a couple of weeks in the backyard before the test so I've got the action pretty much down pat. My yard looks like a minefield now but I will never not be toasty.

Marty

What's the fun way?

Jamie

Steel wool and a double-a battery.

Marty

Is that Scouts?

Jamie

Macguyver.

Marty

Man's a true genius. No question.

Jamie

Yeah.

For a few moments they walk in silence as Jamie looks around, as if to make absolutely sure that nobody else is there.

Jamie

Hey Marty.

Marty

Ya-huh.

Jamie

Before you got here, did you see anything weird?

Marty

What like people disappearing, whole streets bursting into flame, that sort of weird? Because if you didn't notice that I don't know where the fuck you've been man.

Jamie

I'm sorry that you had to see all that.

Marty

Well it's not like your fault or anything. Just to be absolutely certain you aren't actually responsible are you?

Jamie

No, I'm not really a morning person. I figure megalomania is kind of time-consuming. You'd pretty much be eating toast as you walk to your car at half five every morning.

Marty

You've had a lot of time to think this through haven't you.

Jamie

Let's just say I was never exactly burdened by responsibility. Look the reason I asked is that on my way here, before I found you guys, I saw a guy punching himself to death.

Marty

Like, deliberately?

Jamie

Well I don't really know. I'd been following one of the old ranger tracks when I heard sounds of a fight.

I got off the road and hid behind a tree and this guy starts running down the path like he's being chased by one of those soldiers. You guys saw the soldiers right?

Marty

Seven foot tall, big guns, green body armour?

Jamie

I think mine were blue. Anyway he's screaming at this guy to get away, and I wanted to go out there and help him but I didn't have any weapons so I just kinda sat there.

Marty

Can't say I blame you.

Jamie

He stopped right in front of me and started jumping backwards like he was getting punched. And this is the fucked up thing, He actually started bleeding. And then he gets these bruises all over his face, and he was just tearing at his chest like there was something under there. Then he just stopped and lay down on the ground.

Marty

Jesus. Then what did you do?

Jamie

Nothing man, I couldn't be sure it wasn't contagious or anything.

Marty

I have an uncle, had an uncle who was a truck driver back in the 70's. It used to be pretty dangerous since they got paid by delivery rather than by the hour so these guys would take just fistfuls of drugs and stake awake for days at a time.

He was pretty young so he felt like he had something to prove you know, so he took this job after he'd been up for nearly four days straight.

The old guys try to warn against it but he tells them to get fucked and does it anyway.

So he's driving down a desert highway, nothing around as far as the eye can see. He's pretty delirious by this point so he starts pulling the hair out of his forearms so the pain will keep him awake.

While he's doing this he looks out the windscreen and there's a fucking boat in the middle of the highway.

Jamie

So what did he do?

Marty

Well he did what any good trucker would do, he threw on the brakes as hard as he could and prayed he wouldn't kill anyone.

Jamie

And did he?

Marty

Of course not, there's no boat. He nearly tipped the truck over finding that out but as soon as the dust cleared he looked around and there's nothing but him and the highway. He knew he was out of it but he couldn't just stop there so he kept going.

Half an hour goes past and boom, a fully operational eighteenth-century battleship appears right in front of him.

So he pulls the brakes again, slower this time, and there's no boat once he stops.

He knows for certain now that he's hallucinating, so he just keeps going. He gets to this crossroad and a huge sail comes across his field of vision and he thinks fuck it, it's just a hallucination, I'll just keep going.

He ploughs the truck through a two million dollar Catamaran being transported to the coast. The owner sues the company, and they fire him on the spot.

Jamie

What does that have to do with the guy?

Marty

Sometimes there's no boat, and sometimes there is.

A male voice can be heard offscreen yelling something indecipherable.

Marty

Sounds like Brian and Mike are out of their honeymoon phase.

Jamie

Oh no, I forgot to bring cake. Do you think they'll be offended if we don't have a gift?

Marty

That's the spirit man. Keep that up and you'll whittle away their boundless fucking narcissism.

Jamie

I do need a hobby.

All background noise suddenly stops, and Jamie stops as though he's waiting for something to happen. Marty looks at his feet, and planted in the ground is a long metal sword covered in ornate jewels.

Marty

I feel like this is mine.

Jamie

Yeah, you should take it man.

Marty places his stick on the ground, then pulls the sword from the dirt and removes the blade from its sheath. The background noise returns. He inspects the handle, and finds that the jewels are all made of cheap plastic. He turns the blade around in the light, only to find that it has no edge or point.

Marty

Who would make a sword you can't actually use?

Jamie

It's probably LARPers.

Jamie sees the look of confusion on Marty's face.

Jamie

It's like Dungeons and Dragons but with hitting people instead of dice.

Marty

Should I take that to mean you have one of these?

Jamie

I played a cleric actually.

Marty

Then I think this is yours.

Marty drops the sheath on the ground and puts the sword through a belt loop in his pants. He picks the stick up off the ground and hands it lengthways to Jamie, bowing slightly.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 3

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST

Return to the forest clearing. Brian and Mike are in the middle of a heated argument while Andrew continues to play, ignoring them completely.

Brian

I cannot believe you are actually this dumb. I really can't. David Attenborough should follow you around and narrate the dumb motherfucking shit you do. It'd be a whole series, call it 'Life With Retards'.

Mike

Hey my cousin is retarded, don't say shit like that man.

Brian

How could you even tell? Did he eat his own fists or something?

Mike

If I hadn't spent two years in anger management I'd give you mine you ... troglodyte.

Brian

April 26. Troglodyte was the word for that day, I have a word-a-day calendar too.

Mike

I knew you weren't that smart man.

Brian

Hey, say that again and I'll put

you in jail so fast.

Mike

What, you gonna diviniate one with your tie?

Brian stares blankly at Mike.

Mike

July 19.

There is movement in the trees behind them and Jamie and

Marty appear with their weapons.

Brian

Oh great, Brian and Claire are back from their little outing.

Marty

But you're Brian.

Brian

No, like The Breakfast Club. You're the Princess and he's the dork who couldn't make the shitty lamp.

Marty

And who are you then?

Brian

I'm Bender, the lovable badass. Over there is clearly the lunatic, and genius over here is Emilio.

Jamie

You do realise that in that scenario, you have to kiss Marty at the end of the movie right?

Brian (covering)

Yes, of course I do. And chatterbox over here would have to get all pretty for Mike.

Mike

Hey I'm not gay man.

Jamie

Ally Sheedy was much hotter when she was crazy looking.

Brian

Alright, fuck. I'm the principal then. Rooney.

Jamie

Rooney was Ferris Bueller's principal.

Brian

Shit you're right, didn't that guy turn out to be a pedo?

Jamie

Child pornography charges yeah.

Brian

God I can't win here can I? I'm the janitor then.

Marty

Fine with me.

Mike

Did you guys find anything up there?

Marty

I checked up on the hill and I couldn't see shit. On the upside, I don't think anyone is looking for us. On the downside, well the downside is the same. Found a cool sword though. You guys have any luck with the coffee?

Brian

Mike had the brilliant idea of running at it with a rock. Hence that stupid thing over his eye.

Mike

It woulda worked if I hadn't tripped.

Brian

Sure it would Da Vinci. Anyway it was funny but I'm not wasting any more beans until somebody comes up with a halfway decent idea.

Andrew

You should grind the beans one at a time between two coins and then snort them.

Every turns and stares at Andrew.

Andrew

I'm actually a chemistry major.

Brian

Well I've got nothing to live for anymore, I volunteer to go first.

Jamie

I've got a couple of coins.

Brian

Alright, lets do this.

Cut TO:

REPEAT OF OPENING FRAME

Brian yells and falls backwards out of shot landing awkwardly on his arm. Andrew stands back, watching in fascination. Mike and Jamie share a laugh while Marty draws in the ground with his sword.

Brian

God I feel like my brain is on fire. I thought you said you were a chemist.

Andrew

I say a lot of things.

Mike

Good one man.

Jamie

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...

Brian slowly gets to his feet, tentatively rubbing his arm.

Brian

No you don't.

Jamie

I'm sorry?

Brian

You are exactly the type of person who loves giving bad news. It makes you look authoritative and clever.

Jamie

That's big coming from a guy wearing a tie in the middle of a forest. Is your 4 o'clock with some wood nymphs?

Mike

I don't want to have to defend him, but he is a pretty good judge of character.

Marty

And why are you convinced of that?

Mike

Well he's sort of my lawyer.

Brian

Sort of nothing Mike, you wait and see the bill you're getting for keeping you alive for a week. There'll be so many charges on that fucking thing it'll be longer than my yacht.

Jamie

So what, three, maybe four inches?

Brian

A heh heh heh.

Jamie

Thought as much. The point I'm trying to make is that we're running out water, and we need to find some by the end of the day or we're going to start dying pretty soon.

Marty

I for one am against that.

Andrew

I know where we can find some.

Mike

Is this a joke? Because I don't want to die for a joke.

Andrew

There's a reservoir a few kilometers from here, east I think. I used to come down here when I was a kid to go camping. If the machines are still working there'll be enough fresh water to last us forever.

Mike

So which way is east?

Andrew

There.

Andrew points across to his left, and the camera turns to a spot in the middle distance. A black stand with several stage lights is positioned there, the lights illuminating a path forwards.

Jamie

Come on, let's get out of here.

Jamie stamps his staff on the ground as if to punctuate his sentence, and he walks off in the direction of the lights. Mike walks immediately behind, followed by Marty. Andrew picks up his guitar and plays as he walks, while Brian reluctantly follows last in line.

Scene four

EXT. FOREST

The group walks along a tough section of terrain in the forest. It is late in the afternoon, and everyone appears more ragged and dirty. Jamie still leads, staff in hand, while Marty walks alongside slashing at plants with his sword. Brian holds his right arm stiffly in place with his left hand, swearing at Mike (who has readjusted the bandage over his head) as they walk over roots. Andrew continues to play as he walks, seemingly impervious to the uneven ground.

Mike

All I'm saying is that in any kind of guerilla warfare situation, I'm the best choice to lead.

Brian

The fuck you are, if you were such a brilliant fighter you wouldn't need me. At least Marty has a sword for God's sake.

Mike

I've got other benefits, I'm the most camouflaged.

Brian

You're wearing department store camo pants.

Mike

Yeah I know exactly.

Brian

The only way that could possibly be useful, and this is predicated on whatever enemy we might face being the dumbest person alive, is that they see you coming and scream 'oh no, the top half of a man is running towards me, how is this possible?' And they get so scared that they die from fright.

Marty

Maybe you guys could exercise attorney-client privilege and shut the fuck up for 30 seconds?

Brian

Ooh look at Livingstone with his fancy lawyer talk I'm so scared.

Marty

This sword may not be very sharp but I'm betting I could still shove it really far up your arse.

Brian

Finally, let's go bitch.

Jamie stops walking and turns around.

Jamie

Could we stop with the fucking bickering for a little while please?

Brian

You know just because you have a stick doesn't make you any more threatening than you were before.

Jamie

What about if I shatter your arm with it, would that help?

Brian

I don't know, maybe you should find out. Andrew, give us some dramatic music.

Close of Marty as Jamie stands into frame next to him, and Marty places on his shoulder and smiles. Andrew begins to play a fast, energetic rhythm. Cut to a wide shot of the two posing dramatically.

Mike

What the hell is that man?

Marty

Well we're going to fight Brian.

Mike

Yeah I heard that, but you're just standing there. You look like Dragonball Z.

Jamie

Maybe this is unfair but I did not pick you as a fan.

Mike

I have a kid.

Jamie (disappointed)

Oh.

Brian

AHEM.

Mike

Oh yeah, right.

Mike walks over to Brian and punches him as hard as he can in his right arm. Brian stares at him, then reaches over with his other arm and pulls a series of bright red handkerchiefs from his sleeve. He lets them fall to the ground.

Brian

You utter bastard, you knew I'd hurt that arm.

Mike

There was a conflict. I resolved it.

Brian

Resolved? You broke my fucking arm.

Mike

That's your good arm too. Your threats don't mean shit now.

Brian

This is all going on your bill Mike. I'm going to live in your house, eat all your food, maybe fuck your wife for good measure.

Mike

You say one more syllable about her and I will tear your god damn arm off, see how well you do with only one hand to jerk off with.

Jamie

More like a pinky and tweezers.

Mike

It's okay dude I got this one. This is how it works now. You're my bitch now. I own you. If you do anything I dislike then I'll have to...revoke the only promise I've made to myself that wasn't ordered by a judge. I want you guys to agree to this, because unlike him I care what you think.

Marty

I am completely fine with never having to hear him speak again.

Jamie

Ditto.

Mike

Andrew?

Andrew

I was kind of hoping he might turn out to have a heart of gold or something, but that's looking less and less likely.

Brian

Fuck all of you, you sellouts. After everything I've done for your people.

Jamie

Name one thing.

Brian

I lead us all into the forest, thereby saving all of you from being blown to shit by those green guys with ridiculous guns.

Jamie

They were definitely blue.

Marty

That was my idea. We got off the highway after we found Jamie and we went into the forest to look for wood.

Mike

No you didn't man. Andrew and Jamie were together when I met them, it was luck that Brian came along.

Jamie

But I only met you and Brian together.

Andrew

I don't remember.

Brian

You're shitting me. You're the one who said you knew where this lake is.

Andrew

I remember that there's a reservoir down there, but I don't remember how long ago that was, or where I met all of you.

Jamie

But that was only two days ago, how can you have forgotten by now?

Brian

You know what? Fuck this, I'm leaving. You guys can solve mysteries in a fucking van for all I care. I'm going to a hospital, getting a new suit, and I'm going to sort shit out. Last time I try and help you people.

Brian turns away and starts walking back up the path the group has made through the forest.

Marty (yelling)

So you're just going to walk uphill into nothing with no supplies and a broken arm, is that your plan?

Brian

Yes, now fuck off.

Brian takes a few tentative steps up the hill, trying to use low hanging branches to pull himself along one-handed. After a few steps he loses balances and falls backwards down the hill, covering himself in dirt and further damaging his arm.

Mike

Do you have bandages?

Jamie

I think so.

Mike

I'll find a stick and we'll bandage up his arm. If he resists, we'll kill him.

Brian lies on the ground while Jamie searches for a stick. The others it on the ground and watch while the light fades, leaving on Jamie and Brian in profile.

Fade OUT.

SCENE 5

EXt. Forest

Dusk. Brian hobbles slowly across a flat stretch of forest, his arm heavily bandaged. While his clothes are now almost completely destroyed his tie still remains immaculate. Jamie walks beside him, clearly exhausted from the weight of his pack, his staff now the only thing holding him up. Mike walks slowly in front of them both, hands in front of him to compensate for the shirt still over one eye. Marty swings at the undergrowth with weak enthusiasm. Only Andrew seems fully awake, content to continue playing as he walks.

Mike

Is this the way? We need to find shelter soon or try and start a fire.

Jamie

Covered.

Mike

Alright but we need something besides petrol or it won't last. I'm going to start collecting wood just in case.

Andrew

I don't think we'll need to, there's a sharp drop just ahead of here and we'll be able to see the reservoir from there. That's where we should camp.

Marty

Hey Andrew, what's that song you're playing?

Andrew

It doesn't really have a name.

Marty

But you wrote it yeah?

Andrew

Sort of, it's mostly just riffing on a few repeated themes.

Jamie

I thought I recognised some patterns.

Andrew

It's the devil's chord. I usually play piano, but this is easier to carry around.

Mike

You don't look like a metalhead.

Andrew

I'm not, that's just what they used to be called. In classical music there were certain chords that you weren't supposed to play. They were dissonant, and people who tried to put them in compositions were shunned.

Marty

I guess it does sound kind of evil.

Andrew

I've never been able to decide which way round it is- whether they sound evil because it was banned or if they got banned because they sound evil.

Jamie

Sometimes there's a boat, and sometimes there isn't.

Brian stands totally still and looks around the nearby trees anxiously.

Brian

Stop playing.

Marty

He awakes!

Brian

I mean it, stop playing right now.

Andrew

Why should I?

Brian (agitated)

Just trust me okay?

Mike

If you're just fucking with us it isn't funny.

Brian

There's people in the trees watching us. I can hear them talking about us.

Anthony

I can't hear anything.

Brian

Well that's because you have a fucking guitar in front of you, you can't hear shit.

Jamie

Come on this isn't going to work. I can't hear anything either.

Brain

You have to believe me, they're getting louder. I think some of them are leaving to go get backup. We have to be absolutely quiet and run away from here as fast.

Mike

Listen to yourself man. You don't know where the hell you're going, if you run off again you could get yourself killed.

Brian

Everything about me feels like something really fucking bad is going to happen if we don't all stop talking right now.

Andrew

I'm just going to go.

Brian

No!

Brian runs at Andrew and manages to wrest the guitar from his arms with his free hand, where it falls out of his arms and onto the ground. Andrew watches in horror as Brian repeatedly jumps on the guitar, destroying it in the process.

Andrew

You destroyed it. You destroyed the only thing I have left.

Andrew stares at Brian, who recoils, expecting a fight. Andrew sits down in front of the guitar, and slowly pulls the strings from the fragments of wood. He then takes the strings and winds them tightly round his arms. Andrew stands, then downhill away from the group. They chase him for a while until his stops suddenly at the edge of a clearing.

The camera cuts to face the five of them as they stand in a line among the trees.

Andrew

Huh.

CuT TO:

INT. THEATRE

Wide shot of the five standing in a line in front of a thick red stage curtain. They are in the same positions as they were in the forest. The look straight ahead, unmoving. The house lights begin to fade. The camera moves backwards from the stage and along the corridor, through the front room and to the door. Once outside the door closes slowly, and to the right a small sign reads "The Diminished Fifth".

CREDITS

LIGHTS DOWN

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