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Emotions and Humorous SentencesWhy as Why?????Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?·Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? What's another word for thesaurus?Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is abbreviation such a long word?Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Does fuzzy logic tickle?Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? What was the best thing before sliced bread?"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?Would a fly without wings be called a walk?Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?Ever Wonder?Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Every action we take, everything we do, is either a victory or defeat in the struggle to become what we want to be.-Anne ByrhheThe self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.-John DeweyTo will is to select a goal, determine a course of action that will bring one to that goal, and then hold to that action till the goal is reached. The key is action.-Michael HansonYou must do the thing you think you cannot do!-Eleanor RooseveltMost powerful is he who has himself in his own power.-Lucius Annaeus SenecaThe undertaking of a new action brings new strength.-EveniusFacing it, always facing it, that’s the way to get through. Face it.-Joseph ConradYou have endured worse things; God will grant an end even to these.-VirgilCourage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.-Edward Vernon RickenbackerYou gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”-Eleanor RooseveltBelieve me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!-Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheI’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.-Elaine BooslerAn archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -Agatha ChristieThe Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.-G.K. ChestertonLiberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others.-William Allen WhiteIt is a damned poor mind indeed that can’t think of at least two ways of spelling any word.-Andrew Jackson, quoted by William Safire in Quoth the Maven (Random House)The truest expression of a people is in its dances and its music. Bodies never lie.-Agnes DeMille in New York Times MagazineHumor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, it’s unplanned, it’s full of surprises.-Erma Bombeck, quoted by Maria Braden in She Said What? Interviews With Newspaper Columnists (University Press of Kentucky)We have war when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants peace.-Jeane J. Kirkpatrick, quoted in U.S. News & World ReportThe dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.-James Thurber, Thurber’s Dogs (Simon & Schuster)The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.-Sarah Brown, quoted by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., in P.S. I Love You (Rutledge Hill)How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.-Benjamin DisraeliThe greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.-Denis WaitleyA different language is a different vision of life.-Federico Fellini, quoted by Mary Cantwell in New York TimesThese days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the publisher.-Ivern Ball in The Wall Street JournalYuppies don’t have loyalty. They have useful relationships and meaningful encounters. -William Kristol, quoted by Maureen Dowd in New York TimesThe man who is waiting for something to turn up might start on his shirt sleeves.-Garth HenrichsIt’s a little bit the fiddle, but lots more who holds the bow.-Wilburn WilsonSpeak not against anyone whose burden you have not weighed yourself.-Marion Bradley, Black Trillium (Doubleday)The worst thing in your life may contain seeds of the best. When you can see crisis as an opportunity, your life becomes not easier, but more satisfying.-Joe KogelSome people talk because they think sound is more manageable than silence.-Margaret Halsey, quoted by Harry C. Bauer in Seasoned to Taste (U. of Wash. Press)Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must undergo the fatigue of supporting it.-Thomas PaineYou don’t need to take a person’s advice to make him feel good- just ask for it.- Laurence J. Peter, Peter’s Almanac (Morrow)The world is a book, those who do not travel read only one page.-St. AugustineIn every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.-Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (HarperCollins)When a guy takes off his coat, he’s not going to fight. When a guy takes off his wristwatch, watch out!-Al McGuire, quoted by Norman Chad in Washington PostThe time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.-Sydney J. Harris, King Features SyndicateAmerica is great because America is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.-Alexis de TocquevilleAn informal survey shows that what most people want for Christmas is two more weeks to prepare for it.-Bob Stanley in Columbus, Wis., Journal-RepublicanLove can achieve unexpected majesty in the rocky soil of misfortune.-Tony Snow in Detroit NewsGovernment is not the generator of economic growth; working people are.-Sen. Phil Gramm, quoted by Adam Meyerson in Policy ReviewLife is about timing.-Carl LewisIf you can’t make a mistake, you can’t make anything.-Marva N. Collins, quoted by Nelda LaTeef in Working Women for the 21st Century (Williamson)He who does not prevent a crime when he can, encourages it.-SenecaIt is a part of the American character to consider nothing as desperate.-Thomas JeffersonAlways try to be a little kinder than is necessary.-James M. BarrieMoney is flat and meant to be piled up.-Scottish proverbYou have to start knowing yourself so well that you begin to know other people. A piece of us is in every person we can ever meet.-John D. MacDonald in an introduction to Night Shift by Stephen King (Doubleday)Horse sense means seeing things two ways- how you want them to be and how they have to be.-June Smith in Orlando, Fla., SentinelEvery child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.-Rabindranath TagoreWe all have enough strength to bear other people’s woes.-La RochefoucauldBells are music’s laughter.-Thomas HoodA desk is a dangerous place from which to view the world.-John le CarreI have one request: may I never use my reason against truth.-Elie Wiesel, quoting from a Hasidic rabbi’s prayerWhen goods do not cross borders, soldiers will.-Frederic BastiatA bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.-Jack LondonSwing hard, in case they throw the ball where you’re swining.-Duke SniderGood teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.-Gail Godwin, The Odd Woman (Knopf)There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.-Monta CraneAmong my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.-Orson Rega CardAny jackass can kick a barn down, but it takes a carpenter to build it.-Sam RayburnThere is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.-Helen KellerWhat really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.-Bernard Shaw (used by permission of the Society of Authors on behalf of the Bernard Shaw estate)The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other.-Jan Blaustone, The Joy of Parenthood (Meadowbrook)A good example is like a bell that calls many to church.-Danish proverbWhy not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where the fruit is?-Frank ScullyWashington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.-Robert Orben in The Wall Street JournalWords can be beautiful. So can dreams. So can hopes.-F. Clifton WhiteManual labor to my father was not only good and decent for its own sake but, as he was given to saying, it straightened out one’s thoughts.-Mary Ellen Chase, A Good Fellowship (Macmillan)It’s when you run away that you’re most liable to stumble.-Casey Robinson, The Snows of Kilimanjaro (Twentieth Century Fox)A great artist is never poor.-Isak Dinesen, Anecdotes of Destiny (Random House)Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.-Julie AndrewsThe everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines.-Charles Kuralt, On the Road with Charles Kuralt (Putnam)People wish to learn to swim and at the same time to keep one foot on the ground.-Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past (Random House)There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?-Kin HubbardWhat is memory? Not a storehouse, not a trunk in the attic, but an instrument that constantly refines the past into a narrative, accessible and acceptable to oneself.-Stanley Kauffmann in The New RepublicLack of something to feel important about is almost the greatest tragedy a man may have.-Arthur E. MorganOctober, here’s to you. Here’s to the heady aroma of the frost-kissed apples, the winery smell of ripened grapes, the wild-as-the-wind smell of hickory nuts and nostalgic whiff of that first wood smoke.-Ken Weber in Providence, R.I., Journal-BulletinDon’t approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back or a fool from any side.-Yiddish proverbAll art, like all love, is rooted in heartache.-Alfred Stieglitz, quoted by Dorothy Norman in Encounters: A Memoir (Harcourt Brace)The most efficient labor-saving device is still money.-Franklin P. JonesLord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.-The Rev. Peter MarshallA grownup is a child with layers on.-Woody Harrelson, quoted by Philip Wuntch in The Dallas Morning NewsMy test of a good novel is dreading to begin the last chapter.-Thomas HelmAmericans are optimists. They hope they’ll be wealthy someday-and they’re positive they can get one more brushful of paint out of an empty can.-Bern WilliamsNo one beneath you can offend you. No on your equal would.-Jan L. WellsThe strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home.-ConfuciusGive every man thy ear but few thy voice.-William ShakespeareI’m lazy. But it’s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn’t like walking or carrying things.-Lech WalesaWit is educated insolence.-AristotleIt’s a lot better to hope than not to.-Benjamin J. Stein in The American SpectatorWhen you fall in a river, you’re no longer a fisherman; you’re a swimmer.-Gene Hill in Field & StreamThe love of liberty is the love of others. The love of power is the love of ourselves.-William HazlittThe word no carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows how to say yes.-Joyce Maynard in ParentingA perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.-James Dent in Charleston, W.Va., GazetteThose who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public purse.-Adlai StevensonTo fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given a chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life. The money is the gravy.-Bette Davis, The Lonely Life (Putnam)There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-Edith WhartonThe value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.-Peter De Vries, The Tunnel of Love (Little, Brown)The sky is the daily bread of the eyes.-Ralph Waldo EmersonBeing a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.-Robert ZendAn appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile- hoping it will eat him last.-Winston ChurchillThe less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.-Deepak Chopra, M.D., Ageless Body, Timeless Mind (Harmony)Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.-John Quinton‘Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.-William ShakespeareNobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead- that’s where your future lies.-Ann Landers, Creators SyndicateI can teach a man to sail, but I can never teach him why.-Timothy E. Thatcher in The American ScholarWisdom ofttimes consists of knowing what to do next.-Herbert HooverOnly God is in a position to look down on anyone.-Sarah Brown, quoted by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., in P.S. I Love You (Rutledge Hill)If the American Revolution had produced nothing but the Declaration of Independence, it would have been worthwhile.-Samuel Eliot Morison, The Oxford History of the American People (Oxford University Press)Nothing is really lost. It’s just where it doesn’t belong.-Suzanne MuellerThe man who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality quite as much as the honesty. Possible more.-Richard J. Needham in The Globe and Mail, TorontoTo believe with certainty, we must begin with doubting.-Stanislaus INo matter what accomplishments you achieve, somebody helps you.-Althea GibsonA person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.All growth, including political growth, is the result of risk-taking.-Jude Wanniski, quoted in The Wall Street JournalWhat I say is, if a man really likes potatoes, he must be a pretty decent sort of fellow.-A.A. Milne, Not That It Matters (Dutton)Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly- hurt, bitterness, grief, and most of all, fear.-Joan Rivers, Still Talking (Turtle Bay)Why doesn’t the fellow who says, “I’m no speechmaker” let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?-Kin HubbardQ.What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?A.A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.Q.What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?A.An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.Q.How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?A.When it has hares in it.Q.What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?A.A funny bunny.Q.What do you call a dumb bunny?A.A hare brain.Q.What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?A.You 'nique up on him.Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?A. Tame way, unique up on it.Q.How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?A.None, they're all on the outside.Q.How are rabbits like calculators?A.They both multiply fast.Q.What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?A. Cold little bunnies.Q.What do rabbits have that nothing else has?A.Baby rabbits.Q.What is a rabbit's favorite dance?A.The Bunny Hop.Q.What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?A.14 carrot gold.Q.What do you call a rabbit with fleas?A.Bugs Bunny.Q.What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?A.One with a hoppy ending.Q.Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup?A.Looks like the backstroke.Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?A.EggerciseQ.Why did you Easter egg hide?A.He was a little chicken.Q.Why did the rabbit cross the road?A.Because it was the chicken's day off.Q.Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?A.Because then it would be a foot.Q.How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?A.Just look for the gray hares.Q.What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?A.A receding hareline.Q.How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?A.Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?“There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.”Alphone Lamartine, nineteenth-century French poet and statesman“I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made’em to match the men.” George Eliot, British writer“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing- and then marry him.”Cher“If I were asked… to what the singular prosperity and growing strength of that people [Americans] ought mainly be attributed, I should reply: the superiority of their women.”Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America“Dear, never forget one little point: It’s my business. You just work here.”Cosmetics magnate Elizabeth Arden, to her husband“I do, and I also wash and iron them.”Denis Thatcher, husband of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, when asked who wears the pants in his marriage“Once in cabinet we had to deal with the fact that there had been an outbreak of assaults on women at night. One minister suggested a curfew: Women should stay home after dark. I said, ‘But it’s the men who are attacking the women. If there’s to be a curfew, let the men stay home, not the women.’”Golda Meir, former Israeli Prime Minister“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”Charlotte Whitton, former Mayor of Ottawa, Ontario“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my way in the end.”Margaret Thatcher“In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on woman.”Nancy Astor, British politician“Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.”Minna Antrim, nineteenth-century Irish writer“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.”Lois Wayne, American advertising executive“One is not born a woman, one becomes one.”Simone de Beauvoir, French writerStupid Men Jokes1. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.2. What’s the difference between government bonds and men?Bond mature.3. What did God say after creating men?I can do better.4. Why do men want to marry virgins?They can’t stand criticism.5. What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?1. No mind.2. No business.6. What do you call an intelligent man in America?A tourist.7. If man got pregnant… Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?Because they already have boyfriends.9. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?He had it bronzed.10. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?Two ways to cross a river.11. What is gross stupidity?144 men in one room.12. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.13. What is a man’s view of safe sex?A padded headboard.14. How do men sort their laundry?“Filthy” and “filthy but wearable”.15. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.16. Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, “how sad- a dead bird.” The other man looked up and said, “where?” ................
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