Richardmburgess.com



WISE WORDS OF WISDOM

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Attorney Are you sexually active?

Witness No, I just lie there.

Attorney What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness Yes.

Attorney And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness I forget.

Attorney You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

Attorney And why did that upset you?

Witness My name is Susan!

Attorney Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

Witness We both do.

Attorney Voodoo?

Witness We do.

Attorney You do?

Witness Yes, voodoo

Attorney Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Witness Uh, he's twenty-one.

Attorney Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness Are you kidding' me?

Attorney So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness Yes.

Attorney And what were you doing at that time?

Witness Uh.... I was getting' laid!

Attorney She had three children, right?

Witness Yes.

Attorney How many were boys?

Witness None.

Attorney Were there any girls?

Witness Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness By death.

Attorney And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Attorney Can you describe the individual?

Witness He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney Was this a male or a female?

Witness Guess.

Attorney Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Attorney?

Witness No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Attorney ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness Oral.

Attorney Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Attorney And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

Attorney Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness No.

Attorney Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness No.

Attorney Did you check for breathing?

Witness No.

Attorney So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness No.

Attorney How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Sports Smarts

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder, Andre Dawson, on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter, Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, when asked why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature even in January.

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounts what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

15. Bobby Bowden, Florida State football coach, when asked why he didn't invest in condos, said, "I am too old to use them now."

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Confused?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

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Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss for words to answer the following:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!!

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Why Teachers Drink . . .

Q: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?

A: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?

A: Unusual names.

Q: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.

A: Learning to speak Latin.

Q: Name one measure which can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of extensive rainfall (eg in Mississippi).

A: Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.

A: Two polar bears.

Three Four seals.

Q: Assess Fashion House plc’s choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?

A: No. People from Birmingham aren’t very fashionable.

Q: How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?

A: He doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.

A: Mrs Orpheus.

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

A: At the bottom.

Q: What happens during puberty to a boy?

A: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

Q: State three drawbacks of hedgerow removal.

A: 1) All the cows will escape.

2) The cars drive into the fields.

3) There is nowhere to hide.

Q: What is the meaning of the word “varicose”?

A: Close by.

Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?

A: Mariah Carey.

Q: What is a fibula?

A: A little lie.

Q: Explain the phrase “free press”.

A: When your mum irons trousers for you.

Q: Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?

A: You might walk into it.

Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system?

A: It doesn’t come with a chair.

Q: Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet / second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?

A: He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.

A: You get your electricity faster.

Q: What is a vibration?

A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Q: Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?

A: Around Hadrian’s garden.

Q: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

A: Malaria.

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