PDF Submit to One Another Out of Reverence for Christ

Submit to One Another Out of Reverence for Christ A Sermon on Ephesians 5:21-33

What a deep text this is for us this morning. Direct, complex, perhaps (and quite possibly) an eye-brow raiser--but ultimately, a compelling passage that demands our attention.

Marriage. There's a lot to marriage. It's a mystery--a "profound mystery"--as the text says.

I know a little about marriage. (I emphasize the words "a little.") I've been married only for a while, and I've officiated some weddings. But, so what?! Officiating weddings has been a great privilege--don't get me wrong--but this makes me no expert at marriage. As those of you who are married know, as I do, getting married is easy...but, staying married--and even more than that!--thriving in a marriage...isn't easy. It's not easy. And so, I...I just want you to be clear: I'm still learning the depths of this great mystery in and by the grace of God.

I'm thankful for this passage before us this morning: Ephesians 5:21-33. It is an important text. It's been studied deeply by many Christians, many scholars. And, you may not know this, but this has been a hotly debated passage. It has divided. There is disagreement about what this text means, what Paul is actually saying...and how it applies to us, today. You can imagine, when Scripture says clearly, in black & white, for wives to "submit to your husbands..." that this would ruffle some feathers. And it certainly has.

So, what does it mean? Does God really instruct marriage to be this way?

Before I go further, I want to say a few words about reading, studying and learning from Scripture. I think it's important that I do, especially with this passage.

Whenever we read the Bible we always bring into it a pre-existing lens. There's always, already a lens through which we read the words. In other words, we already have ideas about the topic--in this case marriage. So, when we hear the word "submit," depending on your own experience, or your cultural make-up, you may react favourably--or negatively--to this instruction for wives to submit to their husbands. But, in the very same way, if your culture or background were more traditional, when you read the word "love," you may wonder how love has anything to do with marriage at all! You see, that's the framework, the lens, the bias that we bring into the text.

So, we need to be aware of this, and rather than to read into--what amounts to--our own thoughts and ideas based on our own experiences or culture, we need to let Scripture speak for itself, trusting God to speak truth right into our hearts, transforming our minds and changing our lives. We can't pick and choose what we want to hear, what we want to take into our lives, and what we want to leave out. We can't do that. Some of you may have heard this before, and I think there is truth in this: Rather than having us be the ones reading Scripture, we should let Scripture read us. In other words, in our reading of Scripture we should aim to have the Word of God read us.

Now to our text.

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Our passage begins with verse 21. This is key. If we forget this, and we zero in on and focus only on verse 22 and this troublesome word "submit"...we let our own lens get in the way. And we can't do that. In order to understand verse 22 properly, we need verse 21. And what does it say?

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

This verse is key, and for this reason.

This is a continuation verse from the previous passage. Some call it a "hinge" verse. Notice that Paul is speaking to the whole group--the Ephesians--and speaking to them about what it means to be "filled by the spirit." See verse 18. So, "being filled by the spirit" is related--in fact, essential--to submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

What does this mean, then? What this means is that his specific instruction to wives and husbands (and for that matter, for children and parents, slaves and masters) applies to Christians only. It's for those living in the fullness of the Spirit. In other words, these instructions to "submit to one another" is part of God's plan for a new humanity, a new society...and this is the specific order of things.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Submit. Submit to one another. We need to understand this word, this phrase...because this is the heart of Paul's instruction here to wives and husbands, to Christian marriage. What is this all about? Well, in the biblical model of marriage, submission frames the very purpose of it all.

Knowing the purpose of marriage is important, isn't it? A lot of marriages would be all the better for it, if there was a common understanding of its purpose, don't you think?

So, right now--before I talk more about the purpose of the biblical model of marriage--I want to describe two of the most dominant views of the purpose of marriage. Tim Keller spells it out this way--that, historically, there have been generally two views toward the purpose of marriage1:

1) The first view, which has been around for centuries, is called the dynastic view of marriage. In this view, the purpose of marriage is to fulfill social functions, social duties. You get married, you choose your spouse to get social status, economic benefit. You don't choose on the basis of love; there's no romance, no passion. In this view--in the dynastic view--you choose solely to get the kind of family that you want, to get the status that you want. It's gets you position. This is more or less a traditional view of marriage.

When I learned this, I immediately thought--this is so Chinese! Not so much today (or in N. America), but from stories I hear about how things were in the past--this is very similar. Rarely did I hear about marriage being based primarily on love...but often I did

1 Tim Keller sermon on Ephesians 5:21--33

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hear it was out of social function and duty. In fact, for some, you didn't even get to choose your spouse(!), your family did it for you--and for what reasons, primarily...? Social function, social duty.

Now, the thing about this view of marriage, is there is loyalty within it; there is no need for divorce. If you want love or romance, you get a mistress. You see, in the dynastic view, if marriage is to simply and solely get you status...there was no need to leave it. You get what you ultimately want, the status and position. And so in the traditional view, marriage lasts a long time--even for life. Commitment was important. Divorce was unnecessary, humiliating, disruptive.

Now, that's the old, traditional view of marriage. This old way now has given way to a new view toward marriage--that we see a lot of today, especially here in our western society.

2) The new view of the purpose of marriage, as Keller explains, is the Romantic Ideal that says the purpose is to fulfill personal feelings, desires and dreams. So, while the traditional, dynastic view values commitment, the romantic ideal values romance and passion. So get this: what is most important in the dynastic view is commitment--if you get some romance and passion along with it, bonus. But you don't expect it. And the flip-side is true with the romantic view: what is most important here is love and passion, but you don't expect commitment--that's a throw in. You're in it for the romance, the passion. This is probably why we hear so often these days, from couples who are married: they say, "We've lost our love our passion for each other, there's no marriage left." No more love, no more passion...there's no more marriage. Do you not see this?

So we have the dynastic view and the romantic view of marriage. The traditional view vs. today's...romantic ideal. They're both different from each other, but in the end, ultimately they are both the same. They're the same because both views, ultimately, ask the question: What's in it for me? Both views see marriage as a way to fulfill "me." Both views look for a spouse that is useful--not for a spouse for you to serve, but for a spouse to serve you. Do you see this? So, while the dynastic view is good in that it values commitment, it doesn't care much for passion or love. And the same with the romantic ideal: while it is good that it values love and passion, commitment is not so important. And why are these incompatible? Because both these views seek to fulfill "me," the self...they both, primarily, look out for numero uno.

But, the Biblical model of marriage says commitment and passion are compatible. Love and commitment, in God's pattern for marriage, in fact, must go together. And the truth is, we want it this way, do we not? We yearn for love and commitment to go together, hand in hand.

Consider Genesis 2, the very text Paul quotes in his instruction here:

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

Leave and cleave. When you leave, that is commitment (at least in that you are changing your loyalties now). When you cleave, that is love. Leave and cleave; commitment and love.

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And when love and commitment are held together, together in the fullness of the Spirit, and this is mutually understood as the basis of the Christian marriage...then this is the foundation on which the purpose of a biblical, God-given marriage is built. And what is this purpose?

We've been reading it over and over already. Let me read it again:

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

The purpose of a biblical marriage is not for one self, but for the sake of the other. The purpose of marriage is not to fulfill a social function, or our own emotional needs, the purpose is to serve your spouse. And how? It's this: you get married not for what you can get out of it, but what you can give to the other person...namely, how you encourage the other into greater and deeper Christ-likeness in his or her life. You see, your role in marriage is to see and recognize the work of Christ in the other person, and--with the grace given to you--to nurture it in the other, to care for it, to seek together the will of God in your life together, and so to serve together for the glory of God. That's the purpose of marriage.

Where is this from? Look at verse 26. Paul is speaking to husbands, but the principle applies both ways to both husbands and wives. Love your wives, Paul says, just as Christ loved the church. And what did Christ do to and for the church? Verse 26: He made her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Now, of course, only Christ can do this for the church...but in marriage, we are called to this--to some extent--to one to another. You see, in marriage, the purpose is to see one another as God sees us. Not as we were, or even as we are--but as what we will become. And we work, in love, towards this.

And so, submit. Submit to one another. What does this mean? How do we do it?

First, there's no disregarding the fact that Paul does give specific instruction to wives to submit to their husbands, while husbands are instructed to love. Are these the same? No. But is the purpose the same--to serve one another? Yes, absolutely. So why the difference?

Paul sees a difference in roles for husband and wife. For Paul, there is an order for the marriage relationship, where the husband's role is as authority, and the wife's role is to submit. For sure, this was a cultural norm in the day. But here is where Paul stands out from his culture. Whereas his culture might leave the door open for husbands to overpower or dominate the wife, Paul's (later) instructions to husbands to love counters this possibility. The intent of marriage--and any relationship in the new society of God, for that matter--is never for one person to dominate another. In the marriage relationship, the wife is never inferior or less important, even in her role in which she submits to her husband. I know this may be difficult to see with our modern lenses, but this is really the case. And so why ask women to submit at all? Paul explains it simply that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. Again, this is simply the way this relationship is ordered. There is one in authority, and one who submits.

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Now, does this mean wives must let husbands have the say in absolutely everything? It might seem so, from verse 24, but this isn't the case. Wives are to submit to husbands who are loving and who have their wives' needs in mind before their own. Remember, that's the purpose of the biblical model of marriage: to serve one another. What does this mean, practically? This means, that while the husband might think he has the authority to buy the 50 inch flat-screen tv, and he buys it without listening and hearing the needs of his wife (who wants the 60 inch tv!)--then he's not acting as he should. You see? Just as Christ always has in his purpose and in his will, the best interest for his church...so also husbands should have for their wives. Wives, you are to submit to this authority. It's an authority that acts out of love.

Which leads to Paul's instruction to husbands. (Do you see, these two different instructions go hand in hand? They never stand alone...they come part in parcel). Hear this instruction to husbands (v. 25):

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."

Husbands, this is a high and costly calling. You might have thought that there are certain perks to "having authority." But, hear this: the privilege you get in God's ordering of marriage is the privilege of sacrificing yourself for your wife. That's what this means, plain and simple. As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, so you are to love your wife. Think about that. As Christ gave himself up for her...

When we argue--when couples argue--there comes a moment, sometimes, when one of the two will throw their arms in the air and cry out, "I give up!" There's no use talking any more, no use arguing. I give in. You win, I lose. This is useless. When this happens, the person giving up seems to be the one "laying it down," sacrificing for the sake of the relationship...but is that really happening? No. Why? Because, throwing arms in the air is an act of surrender more than an act of sacrifice. It might seem all noble and stuff, but it isn't. It's actually the easy way out.

What is the more loving thing to do? Rather than giving up, just as Christ gave himself up, husbands must give themselves up for their wives. This is the heart of it--this is the gospel, right here at the end of verse 25. And husbands--and wives too, in fact--are called to give up themselves for the sake of the other.

You see, when this is done mutually, simultaneously, harmoniously as God intends...marriages become beautiful songs, sung and praised unto Him.

How does this change us, the way we get married, the way we stay married?

Well, first, to those not yet married, with the biblical purpose of marriage clear in our hearts and minds, this has enormous implications in your search for your future husband or wife. Compatibility is a big word in pre-engagement or pre-marital talk and surveys and things like that. But, always, always, more important is the understanding and willingness to self-sacrifice yourself for the other. Are you willing to do this?

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