War School



War School – an analogy-play by Nick Portwood

Scene 1:

Narrator: The armies of the enemy slaughtered many. Europe and western Asia was plunged into battle many times. But the final war would not be fought over land or sea; it would be fought here, in the present, tonight!

Curtain opens, 2 people talking

Leo: We are agreed, Johnny English, that should I ever be attacked, you will help me.

Johnny: Of course Leo, that’s what friends are for.

They shake hands

Narrator: About a month later, this scenario occurred.

Set changes, 5 people talking

Kaiser: As you know, we have been friends for a long time. Kaiser Berlin, Ozzy Hungary and Russiadavorich. But I think that Romana Italia is better than you. So I’m replacing you.

Russia: How dare you replace me? You’re only doing it because she’s your girlfriend.

Romana: And a very pretty one she is too.

Russia: I’ll make new friends, better friends, friends who won’t dessert me. Then you’ll be sorry.

Russia exits

Kaiser: How is operation SCHLIEFFEN coming along Adolph?

Adolph: In 13 days, I will have worked out a foolproof plan to take over Francoise Paris and Russiadavorich should they assault us.

Ozzy: Kaiser?

Kaiser: Yes Ozzy.

Ozzy: May I get Bob Sneer to join us.

Kaiser: Do what you like; I’ll help you at all cost.

Ozzy: Thank you.

Ozzy runs off

Scene 2

Narrator: Then came a section of calm, followed by the attack of the Boer gang and the first day of school.

Limping boy, Kaiser and girl

Johnny: Thank you Kaiser, you were really supportive, you could have at least helped.

Kaiser: Would you do it if I asked you?

Johnny: Yes, I’m not afraid to stand up for my friends.

Kaiser: Tough!

Walks off, Girl comes up to Johnny

Francoise: Are you Johnny English?

Johnny: Yes. You must be Francoise Paris.

Francoise: Yes. A few weeks ago, Kaiser bullied me and I’ve been terrified of him ever since. You on the other hand, aren’t. I’d like us to be friends.

Johnny: Certainly, I’ll protect you.

They walk off holding hands

Scene 3

Narrator: Four days later, Francoise found another who looked like a good friend, Moe Rocco.

Francois and Johnny along with Moe Rocco

Francois: I’ll go over and ask him.

She walks over and Kaiser Jumps out

Keiser: What are you doing?

Francois: Making friends with Moe.

Kaiser: (Thumbs down) Eh-ehh, I have a contract he signed making me his friend.

Francois: Moe, you didn’t sign it did you.

Moe: Sorry, I did.

She walks off in a huff

Moe: Result!

They do a secret high five and walk off leaving Johnny alone

Johnny: Francois, wait up!

Runs after Francois

Scene 4

Narrator: Little did Francois and Johnny know, that three days later, they would have a much better friend? A stronger and clever one.

Cafeteria, Johnny, Francois, Kaiser and Moe arguing at a table, Russia walks in

Russia: Hey! (Everyone stops) What is the problem?

Francois: Kaiser stole Moe away from me.

Russia: Kaiser, you already have Romana and Ozzy on your side, not to mention Adolph. Give her the contract.

Kaiser: Fine, I don’t even like him!

Hands over contract and walks off, followed by Moe

Francois: Thank you.

Russia: Don’t mention it, I hate Kaiser, ever since he threw me out of his group.

Francois: Wow! I hate him too.

Johnny: What’s your name?

Russia: Russiadavorich Carotropsky, but my friends call me Russia.

Johnny: Russia, would you like to join our group?

Russia: The courageous Johnny English and the beautiful Francois Paris, how can I refuse?

Johnny and Russia shake hands

Narrator: But soon their friendship would face a test, a test unlike any other.

Scene 5

Narrator: The following day, Ozzy Hungary decided to put into practice his idea …….

Kaiser walks in and interrupts

Kaiser: I’d just like to say that Johnny is insane. All I want to do is unite all students in one group and he prevents it. Don’t listen to him. Goodbye.

Kaiser walks off

Narrator: ……his idea about making friends with Bob sneer. Unfortunately, two girls were borrowing him. Nissa Turkey and Sabrina Serb.

Two girls arguing with boy in centre

Nissa: I met him first.

Sabrina: Yes, but I live next to him.

Nissa: Well, I live on the other side of the road to him.

Sabrina: That’s a lie.

Bob: May I say something?

Both girls: NO!!!

They turn their back on each other and walk off in opposite directions

Bob: Girls! What are you gonna do?

Ozzy walks on

Ozzy: You could always join me. We would protect you from both of them.

Bob: But that would be dishonest.

Ozzy: Think about it.

Ozzy walks off followed by Bob in the other direction

Scene 6

Narrator: Then came three days of unrest. The twelfth day of school arrived and the problems got even worse.

Francois and Moe arguing

Moe: It’s not working.

Francois: You can’t back out, we have a contract.

Moe: Kaiser was trustworthy. I don’t care what you say, you are a complete control-freak.

Francois: I am not!

Moe: Are too!

Francois: Am not!

Moe: Are too!

Francois: God you’re doing my head in! I need a lie down.

Moe: Oh! That’s your solution to everything, to have a lie down. (Imitates) Sir, the Krakatoa is exploding! Oh dear, well I’ll just have a lie down then (Imitates snoring). Sir, ve av just lost ze battle of vaterloo! Oh I see, vell zen, I’ll just av le fifty vinks (Imitates snoring)!

Francois pins Moe against the wall and then Kaiser runs up to them

Kaiser: Stop this!

Pushes them apart and Francois punches Kaiser to the ground, Francois and Moe fight, Kaiser joins in, Fight ends with Kaiser and Moe running off and Francois panting

Francois: Get lost!

Walks off

Scene 7

Narrator: Meanwhile, the two girls were still fighting over Bob. Little did they know, that Bob had chosen for himself? It was the worst decision that he could possibly have made.

Two girls fighting

Nissa: He’s my boyfriend!

Sabrina: My boyfriend!

Bob and Ozzy walk on

Bob: Actually, you’re both wrong. I am Ozzy’s friend now.

Ozzy: Yoink!

Bob and Ozzy walk away and Nissa leaves in a huff

Sabrina: I’ll get my other boyfriend, Russia. You’ll be sorry.

Narrator: Yes, it’s true. Russia and Sabrina were close friends.

Ozzy: (Sarcastically) Russia! Oh I’m so scared! (Properly) He can’t hurt me. I have Kaiser and his girlfriend on my side.

Bob and Ozzy walk off laughing

Sabrina: You just wait!

She stamps off

Scene 8

Narrator: The two girls watched their boyfriends for 2 days with envious eyes, and then it happened. The fifteenth day of school, the worst day of school ever. It all began with the assault on Ozzy’s friend, Fernando Ferdinand.

Boy and masked boy in shadows, Shadowed boy hits boy with a water balloon and runs of while boy screams

Fernando: I’ll never show my face in school again.

Runs off

Narrator: Soon every one knew and they were distraught. They called in the most intelligent boy in the class to investigate, Sean Spahovic.

Lots of people and Ozzy stand around a boy in Sherlock Holmes outfit

Ozzy: I want to know who did this to my friend.

Sean: (goes mmm) I’ll require 30 minutes to study the scene of the crime.

Everyone leaves and Sean bends over

Scene 9

Narrator: It didn’t take long for Sean to detect the assailant.

Same as last scene

Ozzy: Well, who did it?

Sean: I found a piece of mint-cola gum. Only one person in the school is known to chew this particular type of gum. The assailant is (pause)(points to someone) Gavin Princip!

All gasp

Sean: leader of the Black Hand gang.

Ozzy: Is this true?

Gavin: Yes! But only because (points to someone) Sabrina Serb told me to!

All gasp

Sabrina: Only because (points at Ozzy) ‘he’ stole my friend!

All gasp

Ozzy: That’s it! This is war!

All gasp

Ozzy: enough (gasps)-ing!

One person gasps

Pause

Person: sorry.

Ozzy: Let’s see how strong your friend Russia really is.

Sneer at each other

Scene 10

Narrator: Russia didn’t hesitate to help Sabrina. Unfortunately, Ozzy, Romana and Kaiser were too strong. His martial arts skills were only affective against 2 or less people. This was a pickle.

Russia and Sabrina talking

Russia: I see. Very interesting. I will help you!

Sabrina: Thank you. Who are you going to get to help us?

Russia: Nobody! I’m doing this because I’m your best friend; I’m not dragging other people into it!

Sabrina: But you’ll be pulverised!

Russia: (Interrupts) I know, I know!

Sabrina: There must be someone who you can count on.

Russia: (Thinks) I’ve got it! I’ll call Moscowadoverich.

Sabrina: Who!

Russia: My 18-year-old brother. You can call him Moscow. He said that if I was having trouble with enemies, all I had to do is call him. He lives 10 minutes away, I’ll invite him over and he’ll scare them away.

Sabrina: Brilliant!

Russia: I’ll call it ‘plan 17’.

Sabrina: 17!

Russia: Yes, I’ve made 17 different plans for this moment.1-5 turned out to be illegal, 6-9 didn’t work, 11-13 took too long and 14-16 had catches.

Sabrina: What about ‘plan 10’?

Russia: Let’s not talk about it.

Kaiser walks on and Russia walks up to him

Russia: Let’s see how you like my 18-year-old brother.

Kaiser runs away in horror and Sabrina looks smug

Scene 11

Narrator: Now what Russia didn’t know, was that Kaiser had operation SCHLIEFFEN. It only took 9 days instead of 13. It didn’t look effective but it was the only plan he had.

Kaiser and Adolph

Adolph: But we have to have Francois attack us as well.

Kaiser: Details, details, details. I never liked her anyway.

Adolph: But she hasn’t done anything!

Kaiser: She’s friends with Russia, that’s good enough for me. Suppose she decides to help him?

Adolph: Oh very well. We can pulverise Francois in a matter of minutes. We then send Ozzy behind Russia. We go on the other side of him, close in on him and pummel him good.

Kaiser: Excellent! He won’t know what hit him.

Kaiser laughs menacingly

Scene 12

Narrator: Kaiser had it all figured out. He had the allies; he had the plan, only one person stood in the way of victory, Leo Poirot. Remember the deal he had with Johnny?

Leo standing in the middle of the hall, Kaiser, Adolph and Romana walk on

Leo: Halt! Do you have a hall pass?

Kaiser: Do you?

Leo: I’m not authorized to answer that. As prefect I cannot let more than one person through at a time. However, if you were to leave your two friends behind you could go through.

Kaiser: Never! There must be some way we could all go through.

Leo: Do you have a hall pass?

Kaiser: No!

Leo: You can’t pass.

Kaiser: Listen! I’ve got 6 minutes to get to Francois Paris, crush her and return to fight Moscow. So why don’t you do every one a tremendous favour and shove off!

Kaiser, Adolph and Romana push Leo to one side and walk off, Leo pulls out a mobile phone and rings someone

Leo: Johnny, (pause) do you remember our agreement?

Scene 13

Narrator: It wasn’t long before they found Francois. And they advanced on her like ants advance on a slice of cheese.

Francois on the left of the stage, Kaiser and Romana on the right, Kaiser and Romana advance on Francois, Johnny runs on from the left and grabs Francois hand

Johnny: This has gone far enough!

Kaiser: Pathetic!

They continue to advance; Russia runs on from the left and jumps between them

Russia: Come and get him Kaiser! Go on, make my day!

Kaiser: You have interfered in my plans for the last time. Time to call on my armies. (Calls people and they appear) Ozzy Hungary! Nissa Turkey! Bob Sneer! Moe Rocco! Steve Outback! The Boer gang! Sean Spahovic!

Russia: In that case, I shall bring out my armies. (Calls people and they appear) Sabrina Serb! Japan Tokiyoku! Moscow! Gavin Princip! The Black Hand gang! Who’s laughing now?

Kaiser: Me! I still have my good friend Adolph. He’s big, he’s mean, (looks forward) and is he playing football with Leo Poirot?

Leo and Adolph walk on from the left of the stage, Adolph is holding a football

Adolph: Er, no. Oh, this is your ball Leo.

Passes ball to Leo who throws it off the stage, They join their side

Johnny: We shall be victorious!

Kaiser: Attack!

Russia: Charge!

They all fight

................
................

In order to avoid copyright disputes, this page is only a partial summary.

Google Online Preview   Download