ANGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING GROUP



ANGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING GROUP

EIGHT-WEEK CURRICULUM

By

Aaron Karmin

LCPC

WEEK ONE: Anger and the Fear of Anger

Review the goals of the group to be accomplished over the next eight weeks:

Discuss various objectives of the group

Formulate the members’ needs and concerns with clinical goals

Formalize the choices for the group into several simple but clearly stated goals.

What words/euphemisms/metaphors does the group use to let others know they are angry? What are the old/current ways of managing anger among the group members? What are their physical signs, triggers, thoughts, or behaviors when angry? Are there relationship or legal consequences as a result of their anger? Does the group allow themselves the freedom to be angry? Or have they been told at some time that they were offensive? Do they fear that they will over react, or stuff their anger instead of reacting appropriately?

Group members will learn how to rid themselves of these past anger feelings by becoming proactive in their own behalf instead of merely reacting to stimuli. They will identify deficits with time management and confidence. The group member’s will share experiences to show how mistaken, exaggerated attitudes are acquired, how they interfere with our functioning in the present and how they can be replaced with more appropriate attitudes in the present. We will also discuss permission to be angry in constructive ways.

What is anger? Anger is an emotional response to antagonism in the past present or future, which may be real or imagined. Anger is painful and we need to get relief. When something happens in the present it reminds you of unfinished business in the past and compounds it

What is managing anger? Managing anger is using your adult judgment and intelligence to find a realistic and productive middle ground by expressing yourself appropriately.

What is suppressing anger? Suppressing anger is holding your anger inside for fear of expressing it.

How do we sort out our anger? We sort out our anger by identifying that we are the problem, not the other person. The problem is our immature, non-rational reaction to others’ behavior. We need to become grounded in reality by living in the present. The act of making something happen in the present requires us to take a risk, which gives us feelings of accomplishment, success, confidence, maturity and self-respect.

How do we manage the pain of anger? We manage our anger by focusing on the reality of the situation. This is done by putting our pain in perspective and not blowing it out of proportion. We can remind our self that this painful experience is a disappointment or inconvenience and not a reflection on our self-worth. We can tell ourselves:

• You are not the victim of your inadequacies. You are not guilty of the embarrassing crime of stupidity and can chose not to accept the blame.

• I am not unlovable. I feel that way now b/c of past experiences. I am no more or less loveable then anyone else.

• I am not guilty of a crime, just imperfect. They are using guilt to control me.

• I cannot prevent things from happening by predicting the future. I can take life as it comes.

• I do not have to defend myself. I can express regret that this happened.

Practice diaphragm breathing.

At the next group they are to report if they responded differently now that they are aware of others’ the impact of anger.

WEEK TWO: Antagonism

Review the past week. Introduce this week’s subject: antagonism. Antagonism is defined “as doing anything that does not need to be done or saying anything that does not need to be said.” Examples: Blaming, Ridiculing, Criticizing, Hollering, Name calling, Sarcasm, Sulking, Pouting, Talking back, Protesting, Denying, Defending, Pleasing, Rebelling, Submitting, Judging, Criticizing, Condemning, Punishing.

How do we recognize antagonism? We can recognize antagonism by the ways its makes us feel. Antagonism can be understood in terms of its four purposes.

1) Feeling emotionally, mentally or physically hurt

a. To get revenge

b. Blame the victim to get even

2) Feeling helpless or frustrated

a. To get power and control

b. Dominate and prevent disasters from happening

3) Feeling a loss of ambition or discouragement

a. To withdraw and give up

b. Self-sabotage to avoid failing

4) Feeling annoyed or irritated

a. To get negative attention.

b. Self-serving validation to prove we exist

How do we manage antagonism? We manage our anger by focusing on the reality of the situation. This is done by putting antagonism in perspective and not blowing it out of proportion. We can remind our self that this painful antagonism is a disappointment or inconvenience and not as a reflection on our self-worth. You can cope successfully with a person’s childish antagonism by “doing the unexpected.” After you have disengaged emotionally, you are free to do the unexpected. You are not being sarcastic or patronizing. You have the power of choice. On this new basis, you are no longer powerless and out of control. When you consciously choose to respond as a mature adult human being, you will feel in control of your behavior instead of feeling controlled by the antagonizer’s provocative nonsense.

What is taking it personally? Taking it personally occurs when we perceive a situation or statement as if it were a reflection on our worth as a person. When others’ use figures of speech or exaggerations, it does not make sense to us, misinterpretating others’ motives, which leaves us feeling threatened.

How do we stop taking it personal? We stop taking it personal by keeping others’ comments in perspective and not taking their opinions seriously or literally “as if” they reflect of our self-worth.

• Catch yourself jumping to conclusions and seek clarification instead.

• Do not blow it out of proportion. Focus on the reality of the situation.

• Use adult judgment to determine which words make sense and which are used to be hurtful. (See hurtful words like “always” and “never” as absurd, not serious)

• Do not personalize other’s comments as a reflection of your self worth

• You are not the issue, they maybe trying to overcompensate for their self-doubts by tearing you down.

At the next group they are to report if they responded differently now that they are aware of others’ antagonism

WEEK THREE: Good Intentions

Review events of antagonism and identify which of its four purposes they were. What happened? What were the responses? How did they feel afterwards? Were they able to use it as an opportunity to strengthen their self-respect?

This week we want to discuss good intentions that foster antagonism. Good intentions are self indulgent, counter productive and ultimately self destructive. Good intentions are a form of antagonism, masked as altruism. These are acts exhibited by excessive controlling behavior that is used to prove our self-worth and hide our inadequacy to cope. Good intensions can be understood in terms of role models during our childhood.

The first type of good intention is the over-ambitious, those who decides what others should be. Until the person becomes what the other wants, they may come to feel worthless. If they never become what the other wants, they will struggle with trying to win approval. This type of person sets others up to fail, live in the future and for the present, feel worthless in the meantime.

The second type of good intentions is the over-critical person who criticizes everything others do because they only want him/her to be their best that is perfect. This teaches others that they cannot do anything right and cannot trust their own judgment.

The third type of good intentions is the over-indulgent person who gives others everything they want and more. Because the others are not taught to work for anything, they become dependent on others and full of self–doubt.

The fourth type of good intentions is the over-protective person who teaches others that danger is lurking around the corner; something bad is bound to happen soon. People end up feeling inadequate to cope and scared of everything; it is a setting for anxiety.

Discuss with the group if they identify with having one of the above parents/spouses or are they one of the above now? What attitudes will they have to identify and change as a result?

What are real intentions? Real intentions involve acting in accordance with the realistic demands of the present situation. Real intentions arise from: 1) Perceiving reality and its demands clearly. 2) Accurately assessing what the situation requires us to do. 3) Deciding on an appropriate intervention. 4) Implementing your decision in the here and now.

What is reality? Reality is the world as it is, not as we imagine it in our hopes, dream, fears, wants, wishes, attitudes, expectations and perceptions. We can please ourselves by doing what reality requires and using real intentions to catch ourselves by:

- Catch your self thinking, “this is what you should do” (Should is a preference)

- Catch yourself trying to please others. (You don’t know how they want to be pleased)

- Catch yourself trying not to displease. (Live on your own terms)

- Catch yourself protecting others from consequences (They did not ask for your help)

- Catch yourself trying to prevent disaster. (Live in the present, can’t predict the future)

- Catch yourself having high standards for self/others. (You don’t know what’s best)

- Catch yourself trying to prove your worth to others. (Self worth comes from within)

At the next group they are to report if they responded differently now that they are aware of others’ good intentions.

WEEK FOUR: Mutual Respect

Review events of antagonism. What happened? What were the responses? How did they feel afterwards?

The four components of mutual self-respect are:

1) You have to have self-respect. By self-respect we do not mean arrogance, pleasing, or superiority, but appropriate regard for oneself as a worth while human being in spite of one’s faults and imperfections.”

2) You respect the other person. This does not mean approval, placating, or compromising one’s legitimate expectations. It does means respecting the other person as worthwhile in spite of his or her human faults and imperfections. This other person may have made it very difficult for us to respect them by making useless antagonism. We can disengage from their antagonism and still respect the antagonizer in spite of it.

3) The other person must have self respect for us. We cannot demand that other people respect us, or scare them into respecting us. If we do not respect ourselves, they will not and cannot respect us as an equal, though imperfect member of the human race. If we do respect ourselves, there is at least the possibility that they can come to respect us.

4) They must have self-respect. If they do not respect themselves, we cannot have an atmosphere of mutual respect, we cannot have closure. We can work toward the goal of mutual respect by helping people to respect themselves. This, in turn, can be done by: (a) setting an example of self-respect for them to follow. If we don’t set it they can’t follow it; (b) by disengaging from their antagonism without disengaging from them as people in their own right; (c) by replacing our good intentions for him with real intentions; and (d) by demonstrating that we respect them in spite of their antagonism, and in spite of the firm limits and logical consequences that the reality of the situation, requires us to impose upon them for their inappropriate behavior.

Only when all four prerequisites of mutual respect are in place, there is the possibility of an anger situation being resolved. In the absence of these four prerequisites, cooperation is impossible. The parties can only submit, rebel, give up in discouragement or self-destruct. If not living a life of self-respect, then one lives it as self-contempt.

What is contempt? Contempt is the absence of respect, where one feels inadequate, inferior and worthless. This involves the negative attitudes of: never feeling good enough, needing to prove your superiority, seeing yourself as unworthy of acceptance, feeling undeserving of happiness, or blaming yourself for being imperfect.

What is respect? Respect is accepting one as a worthwhile human being in spite of one’s faults

and imperfections.

How do we generate respect? We generate respect by:

• Accepting yourself as worthwhile independent of external consideration

• Choosing not to take mischief personally

• Living on your own terms with real intensions

• Using our adult judgment to determine the demands of reality

• Expressing our anger appropriately and validating our partners’ anger

• Assuming responsibility for our own well-being

• Respect yourself as an equal member of the human race, not superior or inferior to anyone else.

At the next group they are to report if they responded to other with respect..

WEEK FIVE: Homework

Sharing of examples of antagonism observed and participated or handled differently

What is homework? Homework is the successful accomplishment of an anger assignment, which is used as a means of strengthening our self-respect.

What is literality? Literality is the predisposition to take words at face value as authentically true. Literalistic people do not consider what was implied (such as a figurative definition) and take others’ comments more literally and personally then they were intended.

What are shoulds? Should is merely a preference, but implies that a person will be guilty of an unspecified crime if they do not carry out the “should” to another’s satisfaction. When things go wrong others are exempt from blame of absurd non-crimes such as: irresponsibility, displeasing, selfishness, wrongness.

What is defensiveness? Defensiveness is the good intention of correcting others’ mistaken method of problem solving. It’s a good intention to straighten others’ out, but only makes things worse. We are not responsible for straightening out others

How do we deal with defensiveness? We deal with defensiveness by validating others’ feelings, not the facts. Anger is painful and others’ are trying to get relief they only way they know how. The situation is only smoke and mirrors for others’ anger. Your not defending your innocence here. You are not the issue. Blame is not for the blamee, it is to relieve the pain of the blamer.

What would please you? What would please us requires one to: chose to stop doing what is unnecessary and do something constructive by living on your own terms in the present. This may involve stopping what we “should” do and making a choice on our own behalf.

How do we validate? We validate by responding appropriately on our own terms, which takes away their power to provoke us. The first step to validating involves emotionally disengage from others’ antagonism by not taking their words personally. We are then able to offer a validating response, which offers relief from their emotional pain. A validating response offers an invitation to get relief from emotional pain in a non-threatening, non-judgmental context which promotes cooperation and mutual respect.

What are some ways to validate others’ anger? We can validate others’ anger by expressing words of empathy and compassion. Some examples are:

• You sound very angry. Did anything happen to make you angry?

• That must have made you angry. I’d be angry if that happened to me.

• I don’t blame you for being angry. I feel that way sometimes.

• I’m sorry your so angry. What can we do about it?

• You must be very angry. What did I do to make you so angry

What are some ways to validate our own anger? We can validate our own anger by replacing inappropriate words that are too strong or too weak. Some examples are:

• It makes me angry when you do that.

• I am angry at you.

• I know you mean well and want to best for me, but I prefer to do it this way.

• I hear what your saying, I appreciate it and I’ll be fine.

At the next group they are to report if they were able to use validating communication.

WEEK SIX: Homework and Anger Letters

Review the terms from the previous weeks: anger, antagonism, and homework. Review examples of antagonism observed and changes in the handling antagonism. We constantly encourage the members to share their accomplishments each time they disengage from someone’s antagonism. It is a cause fro celebration because it is a change in them, a move from self-doubt to self-respect that they consciously made.

What is private logic? Private logic consists of the conclusions and arguments that arise out of personal attitudes and self-serving good intentions. Private logic is an attempt to gain control and prove superiority.

How do we disengage from private logic? We disengage from private logic by doing the unexpected. We can agree with their feelings, not the facts. Often the situation is only smoke and mirrors for their anger.

Homework is defined “as the successful accomplishment of an anger assignment that can be used as a means of strengthening their self-respect.” For example, “Doing the Unexpected.” Instead of reacting, you can choose to “agree that he feels the way he feels!”

Agree with it (done to the right music/tone) – do the unexpected

• It’s awful when that happens, isn’t it?

• It seems that way sometimes doesn’t it?

• Thanks for calling that to my attention. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

• I’ve never thought of it that way.

• That’s one theory isn’t it? I totally agree, I’m just not sure it would help.

• Yes it’s hard, but do we always do what is easy? Do it anyways.

• You’ve got a real problem there. I don’t know what to tell you.

• You have a choice to do it or not, but if it doesn’t get done, there will be a consequence

What is an anger letter? An anger letter involves writing down our abstract feelings of pain to provide a more tangible, concrete expression of our grievance. When we have a painful grievance it is our responsibility to relieve it. Writing allows us to live on our own terms and use the liberating power of choice to do something appropriate on our own behalf, in the present.

In addition to homework, we also recommend that the group members write anger letters to release residual anger from the past that can cause hypertension, ulcers, depression, addiction, anxiety, etc. In the process of writing the anger letters the writer often discovers much more about themselves in the process. It is not just the writing of the letter to get the anger out, but also the writing it to often provide insights into the writer’s own feelings and attitudes. Writing our abstract feelings and attitudes down on a piece of paper makes them tangible and concrete before our very eyes. We cannot manage abstract thoughts about our life or about ourselves. However, we can begin to evaluate and sort them out when we see them in black and white in front of us using our adult judgment.

These letters do not have to be mailed. We are not writing the letter to enlighten the other person. We are doing it to give ourselves some timely relief from our own distress. If we are angry at a deceased loved one, at God, at life, at the system or even at ourselves, we can write down our anger. Afterwards, we can file our letter, tear it up or burn it. That is our choice, too. This power of choice is liberating. We are not saying, “I hate you,” only that we have pain whether it is real or imaginary, and we are hurt.

For the upcoming week it is recommended that the group members write an anger letter. For the following week each group member is to pay attention to the antagonism around them and be aware of how they respond.

WEEK SEVEN: Attitudes That Keep Us Angry

Review concepts and homework from the past weeks.

An attitude is defined as “a predisposition to behave in a certain way” We develop attitudes from our parents and other care givers in which we are in contact as we are developing. By examining common attitudes and discussing them, their absurdity becomes more apparent. .

What is a negative attitude? A negative attitude is a predisposition from our an earlier point in life that clashes with the demands of our current adult life. We understand negative attitudes in terms of the purposes it serves in others’ lives.

Bully: it hurts less to be the victimizer

Self-Sabotaging: to prevent disaster by sabotaging happiness

Fairness: life is fair so long as I get my way

Blaming: focus on blame/guilt to find solution

Faulting: accept blame to confirm worthlessness

No-good: dependent on validation of others for self worth

My way: self worth is dependent on getting my way

Manly: unemotional to avoid victimization, vulnerability

Money: use wealth as source of superiority and control

Moral: self is morally superior to others, judgmental

Pleasing: serve others’ needs to avoid rejection

Rational: all behavior is logical, emotions are dismissed

Resignation: useless to struggle, only confirms inadequacy

Responsibility: take on more then required, prevent failure

Super smart: know it all to avoid inferiority

Someday: things will be different the future w/o any effort

Stubborn: stake self-respect on outcome of dispute

Stupid: fail to predict outcomes leads to inferiority

Unbelonging: not fitting in due to self contempt

Victim: take setbacks personally

Perfection: we are never wrong and always strong

What is a positive attitude? A positive attitude is a predisposition to behave in ways that are consistent with the demands of everyday living, without taking personally as a reflection on our worth as a person

What is good enough? Good enough is the positive attitude of “as good as we are right now, that is good enough and we can only improve and never worsen.”

• We are good enough as we are

• We can always improve, but do not require perfection.

• We are not stupid, we are merely uninformed.

• We are not worthless, only imperfect.

• We are not perfect nor are we required to be.

• I am good enough. They are trying to tear me down to build themselves up.

• I am a good person whether they appreciate it or not. It would be nice if they noticed but that is only a preference

For the upcoming week, the group members are asked to be aware of when they are angry and to think of what attitude might be driving the anger. Can they identify the attitude? Do they need help identifying the attitude? Can they let the attitude go? Do they need help letting the attitude go? What will it take to let the attitude go?

WEEK EIGHT: Why Can’t We Forgive

Review of all the anger terms, and concepts. Debriefing of the group members' home works.

What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is letting go of anger at ourselves and others for being imperfect.

Why can’t people forgive? It is because of attitudes from the past that rise up and get in the way. No one has questioned the validity of these attitudes. Depression is often the consequence of unresolved anger from the past secreting chemicals into the brain and in the bloodstream. These chemicals crowd out the healthy counterparts that help us to feel healthy and happy in the present. It is hard to “forgive” when these negative hormones from the past are still in our system.

What is guilt? Guilt is the legal and psychological consequences of committing a crime. We feel guilty based on our behavior, which leads us to feel unlovable, inferior and unworthy of happiness. Guilt is where we personalize others’ comments as if they reflect our self-worth

What is acceptance? Acceptance is taking life as it comes and doing the best you can.

What is regret? Regret is the wish that things were different.

What is courage? Courage is the willingness to take a risk. You can use courage and choose to forgive for yourself, to relieve your own pent-up emotions, so you can get on with your life.

................
................

In order to avoid copyright disputes, this page is only a partial summary.

Google Online Preview   Download