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left-382905005181600304800This is my experience withmy own “unruly body”.It is important for meto tell you that this is inno shape or form a collection of poems, images and text intendedto shame other people for their bodies.This is to raise awarenessof the dangers of mediacontinually telling youngwomen that there is an ideal body type.Unruly bodyolivia cale30800100000This is my experience withmy own “unruly body”.It is important for meto tell you that this is inno shape or form a collection of poems, images and text intendedto shame other people for their bodies.This is to raise awarenessof the dangers of mediacontinually telling youngwomen that there is an ideal body type.Unruly bodyolivia caleSixth Grade.Middle school, a time of change and self-awareness. This is when I truly started noticing my own body. As any other sixth grade girl, I had not yet gone through puberty. Meaning, there was no way in hell I could look the full-grown models in magazines. They were so thin, so happy. I had started cutting down on junk foods and sodas.Seventh Grade.Boys! Boys! Boys! People started getting into those classically awkward middle school relationships, including me. A girl in my grade grew boobs overnight. Guys were obsessed. Weird, right? I was flat. I was also 12. I needed boobs, ASAP. Boobs and a skinny waist. If I was just 10 pounds lighter with something bigger than an A cup… Eighth Grade.Worst year, by far. I had stopped eating mostly everything. I had to snack on a little something so I didn’t look too suspicious. I was always hungry, but passing by. I prided myself in my slim waist and hey! Would you look at that? I finally got boobs. I still was not happy. When you set up unrealistic ideals, you are never happy. Our class had a beach trip to Wildwood, I wore my cutest bikini because I felt a little confident. Still a little awkward because I had never shown that much skin to my class before, but it was a fun day at the beach. I will never forget when a boy from my class came up to me, directly staring at my chest and s q u e e z e d. I was horrified. After that, I covered up. All the time.As a young woman in America, it seems the most important thing is to be conventionally beautiful in the eyes of society, which is all bullshit. This takes a massive toll on a growing girls mental health, as well as her own self-image. I have fallen victim to this mindset at a very young age. It developed in middle school when I would see pictures of models and skinny girls on Instagram. I wanted to be that, even though there was nothing wrong with my changing body. I would not eat for days and it only got worse. By summer I had dropped 20-30 pounds. Thankfully, my friends at the time helped me through it and I was able to mostly recover. My mindset never recovered. Now, as a 21-year-old college student I still struggle with the same thoughts that tortured me in middle school.In a study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders, the tested out the correlation between childhood perfectionism and anorexia, restricting, purging and binge eating (with or without purging). “The trait of perfectionism, a multidimensional construct generally defined as the pursuit of extreme, unattainable standards of performance and intolerance of mistakes, has been implicated as a predisposing factor in eating disorders – anorexia nervosa in particular” (Halmi MD.)per·fec·tion·ism/p?r?fekSH??niz?m/nounrefusal to accept any standard short of perfection.Perfectionism is where my journey with my unruly body truly began. I have this unrealistic drive for perfection, which takes a toll on me mentally. It is a trait that I have always had, whether it be in academics or more recently, my appearance. It is important for me to say that my parents never put any pressure on me to be perfect. I am thankful for that. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for a child to deal with the pressures of parents in that sense. However, I know how difficult it is to please myself with anything I do, so I can understand in a way. From research done by JD Feusner, E. Hembacher, H. Moller and TD Moody, we know that individuals with body dysmorphia (BDD) actually have abnormal brain activation patterns when viewing objects, including themselves. In this study, there were fourteen participants with BDD and fourteen healthy controls, all between ages 20-48 years-old. In a series of tests, they monitored their brain activity and noticed a difference in that of the BDD participants. They showed the participants pictures of houses with low special frequency (LSF) and high special frequency (HSF), the monitored the brain activity of them. The BDD participants showed lower activity in the parahippocampal gyrus, lingual gyrus and precuneus for low detail images, however there was greater activity in the medial prefrontal regions for high detail images. Greater symptom severity was associated with lower activity in the dorsal occipital cortex and ventrolateral prefrontal cortex for normal spatial frequencies and HSF images. Dealing with body dysmorphia is an everyday struggle. I am not sure if it will ever really go away considering I have been dealing with this mentality for the past decade. Like any other mental illness, some days are better than others. Most days I am able to feel really confident in myself and I can accept myself. However, some days are completely awful. If I notice any little bit of weight gain or even a blemish, I could have a breakdown. For example, getting ready for a party or social outing can be a huge hit or miss for me. This is also where the perfectionism comes into play as well. If I am doing my makeup and I feel as if it does not look perfect it can really ruin my night. If I feel as if I look heavy in my outfit I might also decide to not go out. I think what has truly helped me become more confident are my close friends. These are people who genuinely lift me up. I can tell they are not trying to appease me or trying to say the right things to hurry me up. They mean what they say to me and it has helped build my confidence over the past few years. I am happy to say that most days I am able to see past my flaws and move on with my day. Nobody is going to notice your flaws the same way as you do. Jan Bransen argues that self-love is a precondition for self-knowledge. Self-love is something that a lot of people have to learn and it can be so difficult. Self-love is not only the key to self-knowledge, but it allows us to accept the love we deserve from others. By loving yourself you are able to understand what you deserve. My unruly body is deciding how I feel today. Not every day is perfect, but every day is a new day to try and take the steps into a healthy relationship with ourselves. center118766200Self-love can be one of the more difficult things to come by. It is not as easy as keeping a journal, eating healthy, working out and suddenly loving yourself like Pinterest boards would make it seem. Self-love, for me, is finally being able to realize the kind of love I deserve and how great of a person I can be. I have hated myself and my body for a decade now. It is time to get my body and thoughts back to positive influences. In recent months, I have been able to overcome my toxic thoughts about myself. I have been able to do this with support from my family and friends. Encouraging words can truly help. My body dysmorphia is deep-rooted and will be with me my whole life, but I will not let it control me. One of my sororities philanthropies is ANAD, which hits extremely close to home for me. I am able to talk about my struggles to help other girls who have or are currently going through it. As for social media, every post needs to be taken with a grain of salt. A lot of what you see is not what it seems. Whether it be skin smoothing, teeth whitening or a more drastic body alternating. Especially models in magazines. Most times they are facetuned and don’t even truly look like themselves. This image of perfection is one that they cannot even reach without big agencies forcing them to be edited time and time again.In 2018, Camila Mendes and Lili Reinhart had their waists photoshopped in a Cosmopolitan cover shoot. They were not told that this would happen and were appalled to see an image of themselves that were not even them."Camila and I have worked incredibly hard to feel confident and comfortable in the bodies that we have. It's an everyday battle, sometimes," she wrote. "And to see our bodies become so distorted in an editing process is a perfect example of the obstacles we have yet to overcome." (Reinhart)Teen Idle.In 2012, Marina and the Diamonds came out with the song Teen Idle. I believe this song’s lyrics are extremely pertinent to this topic and evokes a feeling of what it is like to deal with these emotions. I remember really enjoying this song when I was 13. I really enjoyed a lot of her music, and still do. I felt it was really relatable for how I felt. Especially as an angsty teen. Music is another way to feel connected and assured in your emotions. Validation is a huge part of accepting yourself. Yes, my mind can run wild and my thoughts are not always nice towards myself, but I have to realize I am having these for a reason. By understanding yourself you are able to love yourself more. The lyrics touch on topics of insecurity appearance wise and in your actions. It also discusses feeling wasted and suicidal.right16134290Here is a photo of me currently. Happy, healthy and accepting myself. The journey of loving your own body is a long, hard and never-ending process. I have faith that everyone will be able to overcome their demons, or obstacles, and be able to accept themselves for how they look and for who they truly are. Works CitedBransen, Jan. “Self-Knowledge and Self-Love.” Ethical and Moral Practice, Vol. 18, No. 2, April 2015, . Dupre, Elyse. “Riverdale’s Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes Slam Cosmo Philippines for Photoshopping Their Bodies”, E News, Mar 2018, . Feusner, JD. “Abnormalities of object visual processing in body dysmorphic disorder.” Cambridge University Press, April 2011, Halmi MD, Katherine A. “An examination of early childhood perfectionism across anorexia nervosa subtypes.” International Journal of Eating Disorders, Vol. 45, Issue 6, 2012 April, . ................
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