Your guide to healthy relationships -southeast …

Your guide to healthy relationships

Contents

What is a healthy relationship? Relationship fundamentals Characteristics of healthy relationships Characteristics of unhealthy relationships Communication Techniques for effective communication in everyday scenarios Difficult communication ? giving and receiving feedback Using "I" statements for better communication "Nagging" ? a common issue in close relationships Romantic Relationships What role does intimacy play? The four types of intimacy Characteristics of emotionally intimate romantic relationships Building emotional intimacy in a romantic relationship through self-disclosure Physically intimate relationships Ways that people show love Concept of the "5 Love Languages" Maintaining a sense of "self" in your romantic relationships It isn't always smooth sailing Potential pitfalls in a romantic relationship Seeking professional help for a relationship Relationships and mental health Opening up about your mental ill health Relationships when the other person is experiencing mental ill health Improving relationships Strengthening your connection with friends and family The most important relationship of all ? the one you have with yourself Summary

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What is a healthy relationship?

You will have many different types of relationships throughout your life ? romantic relationships, friendships, professional relationships with colleagues and familial relationships to name a few. Healthy relationships can be defined as a relationship that brings your life more happiness than stress. Of course, it is normal that most relationships will at times be a cause of stress to us, but with healthy relationships, the overarching feelings that they bring us in the long-term are positive.

Healthy relationships are based around five fundamental values:

1 COMMUNICATION

2 RESPECT

3 COMPROMISE

4 TRUST

5 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Developing and maintaining healthy relationships is an important life skill and, as with all skills, we can always work to improve it no matter what our current skill level is. In this relationship guide, we will take a closer look at the above five values and explore the nature of healthy and unhealthy relationships. The intention is to be able to apply this knowledge to our own relationships and recognise which relationships in our life are working, and which ones may require some effort from both parties to improve. While the principles of healthy relationships can be applied across all types of relationships, romantic relationships introduce certain elements of relating that don't occur in other types of relationships. We have included a specific section on romantic relationships in this guide to address this. In order to gain a complete understanding of how relationships work, let's reflect on where human relationships have come from and how we have reached where we are today.

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Social and cultural anthropology informs us that humans have evolved to be a highly social, community-based species. Historically, we have organised ourselves in collectives, leaning on one another to support our basic needs, such as the securing of shelter, the pursuit of food and water and protection from other humans and animals. More than any other creature on earth, humans are capable of living in complex social groups ranging in size, from families to entire nations. It is because of our highly-evolved communication skills, coupled with the ability for self-expression, that humans dropped the hunter-gatherer style of surviving and instead began to organise themselves in groups for farming purposes. This was the catalyst for the formation of human societies that have spawned civilisation as we know it today.

So how does this evolution of man translate into the present day? We know that beyond supporting basic survival needs, psychology recognises that human relationships have since evolved to meet the following three universal needs that we cannot nurture in ourselves independently:

1 COMPANIONSHIP/BELONGING

2 AFFECTION (VERBAL AND PHYSICAL)

3 EMOTIONAL SUPPORT/VALIDATION

Typically, it is via our romantic relationships that we primarily seek to have these three needs met, but we also look for them to be fulfilled through our relationships with family and friends, albeit to varying degrees. In healthy romantic relationships, a couple can rely on each other to meet these three basic needs, but if one or more ceases to be met, relationship dissatisfaction starts to build.

While these three needs are recognised as our three basic needs, it's important to remember that people have other needs also that are individual to them.

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Relationship fundamentals

Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, are founded around a range of positive values. Here are five of the core, fundamental values of healthy relationships:

1 COMMUNICATION 2 RESPECT

3 COMPROMISE 4 TRUST 5 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Healthy communication should be open, honest, free-flowing and a "twoway" street, meaning that both parties feel that they are being "heard" by the other. As communication is a pivotal factor in all relationships, we've dedicated a chapter to it in this guide.

Respect requires getting to know a person and accepting them as an equal for how they are and valuing what is important to them without trying to change them. It is as important for each person to respect themselves as it is for them to respect each other. Self-respect plays a crucial role in shaping our relationships because valuing ourselves means we won't accept ill-treatment from others. Instead, we will choose to surround ourselves only with people who treat us with love and who bring us mainly positive experiences in our lives.

The essence of compromise is working together in a respectful way to come to a decision. When two parties are in disagreement, true compromise involves both individuals making some form of sacrifice to meet the other person halfway.

In healthy relationships, both individuals believe each other without doubt. Trust also refers to the act of being vulnerable with another. For example, sharing highly personal information and knowing that the other person will not betray that trust by sharing the information.

Each person has their own impression of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship. In healthy relationships, individuals feel free to express if they are uncomfortable with the other person's behaviour, as well as the other person's expectations for their own behaviour. Healthy boundaries also refers to people remaining independent in their relationship and maintaining a sense of "self," and not losing their own identity to the relationship.

Outside of these five fundamentals, there are numerous other traits that exist in healthy relationships. The more positive values that exist between two people, the healthier, more rewarding and fulfilling the relationship will be.

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Characteristics of healthy relationships

How many of the following attitudes and behaviours are present in your relationships? You feel free to communicate openly and spontaneously and actively listen to one another Both of you can express your feelings and needs to the other without fear of consequences You take a genuine interest in how each other are getting on in life Rules and boundaries are clear and explicit, but flexible You respect each other's individuality and freedom to hold conflicting opinions You both enjoy doing things for yourself, as well as for the other person Play, humour, and having fun together is regular You do not attempt to "fix" or "change" each other ? however, you're open to each other's influences You both practice humility ? meaning you're able to let go of the need to "be right" You're both self-confident and secure in your own worth as individuals independent of the relationship You face conflict directly and resolve it fairly, democratically and in a timely fashion You compromise readily and equally ? when problems arise that are not easily compromised on, you work

together to minimise the fallout You're open to constructive feedback from one another You trust one another and feel secure, comfortable and respected in the relationship You both allow and encourage the other to foster other relationships outside of your mutual one You both maintain your relationships with friends and family You both give and receive equally in the relationship You are sensitive to each other's concerns and feelings Where possible, you both try to honour each other's preferences In social settings, you tend to speak favourably of one and other Mistakes are accepted and learned from and you both forgive one another and move on, recognising that honest

mistakes do happen, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt that mistakes are not intentionally made You're comfortable being vulnerable around one another, freely expressing fears and concerns In a sexual relationship, you respect each other's sexual boundaries and communication about sex is open and

honest You can enjoy being alone, partaking in activities alone, and privacy is respected by both parties You encourage each other's personal growth and exploration You continue to hold each other in a positive light, even when you get to know the less savoury sides of each

other's personalities You show interest in each other's activities ? but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to participate in them You see each other as independently responsible for each other's own happiness and refrain from blaming the

other when life throws up challenges You live free of the fear of violence from one another

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Characteristics of unhealthy relationships

Even healthy relationships can carry some unhealthy characteristics. The difference is that even if a healthy relationship has some negative qualities, the overarching nature of the relationship is one that benefits and brings happiness to both people involved. In an unhealthy relationship, the proportion of negative interactions outnumber the positive ones. There is usually enough negative characteristics present that the long-term effect of the relationship on one or both people involved is one of unhappiness, tensions and stress. In more difficult cases, there can also be worry and fear. Let's take a look at some common characteristics of unhealthy relationships: ? You neglect your own wellbeing by constantly putting the wishes of the other first ? You feel pressure to change who you are for the other person ? You feel worried or fearful when you disagree with the other person ? You feel pressure to give up the activities you usually used to enjoy ? You feel pressured into agreeing with the other person's points of view ? You feel pressured into changing who you are and what you think to suit the other person ? You feel obliged to justify your actions (e.g., where you go, who you see) ? You lack a sense of privacy and feel forced to share everything with the other person ? Your arguments are resolved unfairly and blame is unjustly assigned ? Arguments erupt into yelling or violence ? Your behaviour or style of dress is covertly controlled or manipulated by the other person (e.g. using casual

putdowns) or overtly (e.g. with criticism, threats, fear or violence) ? You don't make the effort to spend quality time with one another ? You have no common friends or you lack respect for each others' friends and family ? One person commands control over the joint resources (e.g., food, money, home, car, etc.) ? In a sexual relationship, you feel obligated to have sex or are forced to do so ? Refusing to use safe sex methods If you've read through that list and you find that most of these do not apply to your relationships, then that's great. If you found that one of your relationships exhibits many of these characteristics, it doesn't have to mean that it's a lost cause ? every relationship needs work in order for it to be sustained. But remember, in order for a relationship to improve, both parties need to be on board with putting in the effort ? it can't come from one side alone. Now read through the list one more time from the point of view of the other people in your life and try to assess whether you could be the one exacting these types of behaviours on someone else ? if you find that you might, then it's worth reflecting on how you can eliminate these negative characteristics from your interactions with those around you.

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Communication

Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships. It is through communication that we establish, foster and, in some cases, end relationships. We tend to communicate differently in each of our relationships, depending on the nature of the relationship itself. People have differing levels of skills when it comes to communication ? but as with all skills, better communication can be practiced and learned.

Communication is about much more than talking ? in fact, verbal communication is only one element of communication. Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell asserted through his research that the verbal component of a faceto-face conversation comprises less than 35% of what is conveyed and that over 65% of communication is done nonverbally. Examples of nonverbal cues in conversations include body language (facial expressions, eye contact and overall body movements) and tone of voice.

Techniques for effective communication in everyday scenarios

Effective communication skills are among the most important skills we can learn in life as a great portion of our time is taken up with interpersonal interaction, be it with family, friends, colleagues or members of our wider community. Effective communication can have a "make-or-break" impact on our lives, as it governs not only how we communicate, but also how other people perceive us. A job interview is a classic scenario, where a person has been selected for interview based upon a sterling r?sum? ? even with great credentials on paper, if a person cannot effectively communicate during the interview, the interviewers are unlikely to be left with a positive impression of the candidate. Behaviours that might impact this impression are eye-contact with interviewers, interrupting interviewers, slouching in the chair, or not listening attentively to the questions and answering irrelevantly. When it comes to our everyday interactions with the people around us, the same principles apply.

The key to effective communication is building good habits. In order to do so, we must create a level of awareness around ourselves in how we speak (volume, tone of voice, clarity of pronunciation) and how we carry ourselves (posture, expressions, eye contact, hand gestures). We also must be aware that communication is a two-way street, and while it is important to us that we are understood, it is equally important that we understand the person or people we are communicating with.

1. Body language

The Scottish mathematician, John Napier, said, "If language was given to men to conceal their thoughts, then gesture's purpose was to disclose them". With Birdwhistell's research pointing to the reality that speech makes up only about 35% of all face to face communication, it is important not to undermine the importance of body language. Body language can help emphasise what we wish to say, but it is also possible for body language to conflict with what we are saying, thereby giving clues (or false clues) to what we are truly feeling or thinking. For example, we've all heard that when shaking someone's hand, a firm handshake is best. However, if you're in a situation where you're nervous about giving a weak handshake, your insecurity in the moment may cause you to overshoot the firmness and deliver a bone-crushing shake to the person instead. The person, for their part, could falsely interpret your inappropriate use of force as your trying to assert dominance over them.

Similarly, it's often said that when a woman plays with her hair while talking to someone, it means she is feeling attracted to the person and is subconsciously flirting. This may very well be true in many situations ? or it could mean her hair is in her way and annoying her! So it is important that we pay attention to our own body language and what it may be, falsely or otherwise, communicating to people, while paying attention to that of others also.

For effective communication, aim to include all of these body language basics in your day to day interactions:

? face your body towards the person, which indicates interest in what they have to say

? make relaxed eye-contact with the person

? give affirmation of your comprehension and interest in what they're expressing by nodding your head and/or smiling where appropriate

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