FROM RARELY TO NEVER



A STEP 3 PARABLE by Steve B.

A drunk is staggering along the street and he meets God.

"God, I can't do this anymore," he says. "Please, please, will you give

me sobriety?" God says, "Sobriety isn't free, how much money have you

got?" The drunk reaches into his pocket. "Fifty bucks." "I'll take it," says

God, “you're sober." The man stands up straight, drunk no more. It

feels pretty good. “Yeah but, God?" "Yes?" "I know I gave you my

money willingly. But, you see, I need to get gas for my car." "You have

a car?" says God. "Well, yes." "You didn't tell Me that. I'll take the car."

"But..." "I'll take the car. It's part of the price for your sobriety."

"But how will I get to work?" "You have a job? I'll take the job, too."

"But God, how will I pay my mortgage?" "Mortgage? You have a house?

I'll take that too." "But God, my family. How will I take care of them if

you have my house and my job?" God says to him gently and lovingly: "In

order to keep your sobriety; you must give Me these things. But I will let

you drive My car as long as you remember it's My car. You can have the

job, but remember you're working it for Me. It's My house but I will

let you live in it. And as for the family, they are My family but I

will trust you to take care of them."

The Ten Points of the “How It Works” Reading

Chapter five of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” has always been a faithful guide for people who want to practice the Twelve Step Program. The following Ten Points are a summary of the lifesaving directions given in Chapter Five, and are to be considered as part of your daily Program:

1. Completely give yourself to this simple Program.

2. Practice rigorous honesty.

3. Be willing to go to any lengths to recover.

4. Be fearless and thorough in your practice of the principles.

5. Realize that there is no easier, softer way.

6. Let go of your old ideas absolutely.

7. Recognize that half measures will not work.

8. Ask God’s protection and care with complete abandon.

9. Be willing to grow along spiritual lines.

10. Accept the following pertinent ideas as proved by A.A. experience:

a) the you cannot manage your own life;

b) that probably no human power can restore you to sanity;

c) that God can and will if sought.

When doing a Resentment Inventory please follow the Big Book’s directions but also consider these questions:

1) List all of your regrets.

2) Who have you not forgiven?

3) Who do you feel “let you down” or slighted you?

4) Who annoys you?

5) What in the world & in life “shouldn’t” be the way it is, “shouldn’t” have happened the way it did, “shouldn’t” be happening, AND “shouldn’t” have been said?

6) Who or what do you not have complete acceptance of AND who are the people & things you most make judgments of?

*

Step Four Prayer – (Please say the following pray along with the Third Step Prayer each time you start writing your Fourth Step, when you run out of thoughts on what to write, and at each new inventory sheet.) “God please help me with this, show me what I need to know. Please protect me, Your will not mine be done. Thank You.”

Step Four Resentment Prayer: (Please say the following prayer after finishing the entire 3rd column but before doing the 4th column of the Resentment Inventory. Pray each morning for each person toward whom you have a resentment until you know in your innermost being that the resentment is gone. Then cross the name off the list. Continue praying until all names have been removed. It was my experience that this may take several weeks or months, but it works.) “God, (name), is perhaps a spiritually blocked person. Whether they are or not, this resentment is blocking ME spiritually. Please help me to show (name) the same tolerance, compassion, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Please forgive me for being angry and enable me to stop clinging to this resentment. Please remove this resentment and show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of (name). Please show me how I can be helpful to (name). Thy will be done!”

*

Dear Higher Power: I choose to forgive __________. Please bless them with all the blessings I would like for myself. Forgive me for judging them and I ask You to remove this resentment from me. Thank You.

Step Four Resentment Worksheet, Column 3 (side 1 of 2)

The key to this analysis is being clear on SELF-ESTEEM. All else flows from this concept. If you find this confusing (that is, the effort to define how SELF-ESTEEM was affected), go to PRIDE. When you define how you want others to see you, it will give you a clue as to how you see yourself. Then go back and define SELF-ESTEEM. For example, if in PRIDE you say you want others to see you as a superior person, then perhaps you really do believe you ARE a superior person. This “self-esteem” is not who you want to be, or have been told you are. It is who you really believe you are. Also, start by writing a personal prayer and saying it each time you begin writing. (Example – “God please help me with this, show me what I need to know. Please protect me, Your will not mine be done. Thank You.”) _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________

ASK YOURSELF: When I resented ____________ (Column 1) for ____________ (Column 2) did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my:

WHAT IS MY FEAR?

SELF-ESTEEM: (my deep down belief about who I am) (may be the opposite of my belief)

I am _________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________ [ ]

PRIDE: (how I want other people to see me being treated by

[Column 1 name] ____________)

Others should see (Column 1 name) ____________ treating me as

_____________________________________________________ [ ]

AMBITION: (what did/do I want?)

I want _______________________________________________ [ ]

SECURITY: (what do I need?)

I need _______________________________________________ [ ]

PERSONAL RELATIONS: (how should family, friends or colleagues,

See or treat me?)

Family, friends or colleagues should always _____________________

________________________________________________________ [ ]

SEX RELATIONS: (GENDER: what is my belief about men and women?)

Real men should always or real men are _________________________

_________________________________________________________ [ ]

Real women should always or real women are ____________________

_________________________________________________________ [ ]

POCKETBOOK: (what is the affected value? For example: money,

possessions, emotional security, etc.)

No one should do anything that interferes with, affects or diminishes my

_________________________________________________________ [ ]

Step Four Resentment Worksheet, Column 4 (side 2 of 2)

Please start by writing a personal prayer and saying it each time you begin writing. (Example – “God please help me with this, show me what I need to know. Please protect me, Your will not mine be done. Thank You.”)__________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

When I resented ____________ (Column 1) for _________________________ (Column 2), I had this belief about my role from Column 3:

MY ROLE: (like an actor in a play, for example: “superior person”, “betrayed spouse”, “lovable child”, etc.) __________________________________________________________________________________________

IS THE EVENT TRUE OR FALSE? (did it really happen or did I make an assumption?) ________________

Consider before, during and after the resentment and write one sentence answering the question:

WHERE WAS I…(at the time of the actual event), or WHERE AM I…(at the present time)

1) SELFISH? (thinking about myself) ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

2) SELF-SEEKING? (acting on my behalf) __________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

3) DISHONEST? (misrepresenting myself; lying by commission or omission) ______________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

4) AFRAID? (fear of not getting what I want; or fear of losing what I have) ________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

5) WHERE WAS I TO BLAME/RESPONSIBLE? WHAT WERE MY MISTAKES (then and/or now)? ______________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

6) WHAT HARM DID I CAUSE TO THIS PERSON? (how did I diminish this person?)

a) PHYSICAL (body): ____________________________________________________________

b) MENTAL (mind): ______________________________________________________________

c) EMOTIONAL (feelings): ________________________________________________________

d) SPIRITUAL: __________________________________________________________________

e) FINANCIAL: _________________________________________________________________

7) What HARM did I cause to other people, in and around this relationship? (write name and specific harm) ______________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________

8) List any other FEARS that you become aware of: ___________________________________________

9) List your CHARACTER DEFECT(S): ____________________________________________________

MY REAL ROLE (now in the light of the Column 4 information – usually opposite of “MY ROLE” at top) __________________________________________________________________________________________

The 4 Absolutes Pamphlet

(This pamphlet is not A.A. Conference Approved simply because it came out in the 1940's, which was BEFORE there was any kind of Conference Approval. “The Four Absolutes” is still published in pamphlet form (included below) by the Cleveland Central Committee of A.A. and are widely quoted at A.A. meetings in the Akron-Cleveland area. A copy of the pamphlet can be ordered by calling the A.A. Intergroup at 216-241-7387 (Cleveland) or 330-253-8181 (Akron).)

Foreword

Spelled out as such, the Four Absolutes are not a formal part of our AA philosophy of life. Since this is true, some may claim the Absolutes should be ignored. This premise is approximately as sound as it would be to suggest that the Holy Bible should be scuttled.

The Absolutes were borrowed from the Oxford Group Movement back in the days when our society was in its humble beginning. In those days our founders and their early colleagues were earnestly seeking for any and all sources of help to define and formulate suggestions that might guide us in the pursuit of a useful, happy, and significant sober life.

Because the Absolutes are not specifically repeated in our Steps or Traditions, some of us are inclined to forget them. Yet in many old time groups where the solid spirit of our fellowship is so strongly exemplified, the Absolutes receive frequent mention. Indeed, you often find a set of old placards, carefully preserved, which are trotted out for prominent display each meeting night.

There could be unanimity on the proposition that living our way of life must include not only an awareness but a constant striving toward greater achievement in the qualities which the Absolutes represent. Many who have lost the precious gift of sobriety would ascribe it to carelessness in seeking these objectives. If you will revisit the Twelve Steps with care, you will find the Four Absolutes form a thread which is discernible in a sober life of quality, every step of the glorious journey.

Honesty

Unselfishness

Love

Purity

The Absolutes

We walked into this large group of which we had heard so much, but had never attended. From the vestibule we saw a placard on the corner of the far wall, which said "Easy Does It". We turned left to park our coat. We turned back and there on the other corner of the same wall was a twin placard, which said, "First Things First". Then facing to the front of the room, high above the platform we saw in the largest letter of all, "But for the Grace of God". Then as our eyes descended, there directly on the front of the podium was another with four words, "Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity, and Love".

In the next ten minutes as we sat unnoticed in the last row waiting for the meeting to start, many thoughts tumbled through a mind that was really startled by this first face to face meeting with the four Absolutes for a very long time.

We started to grade ourselves fearlessly on our own progress toward these Absolutes through long years of sobriety. The score was a pitiful, lonely little score. We thought of a fine lead recently heard in which a patient humble brother had told his story, and had mentioned his overwhelming sense of gratitude as an important ingredient of his fifteen years of sobriety.

And in listing things for which he was so grateful, he mentioned how comfortable it was to be completely honest. Certainly he meant nothing prideful. He simply meant that he told his wife and friends the truth as best he could, had no fishy stories to reconcile, was honest with money and material things, etc.

This was a truly grateful, humble fellow. Certainly he did not resemble the man pictured in the cartoon, speaking to a large audience, pounding on the table and with a jutting chin proclaiming in a loud voice that he had more humility than anyone there and could prove it.

But just think of "complete honesty". Is it not the eternal search for the truth which is endless, and in which none achieve perfection?

What do the four Absolutes mean to most of us? Words are like tools. Like any other tools they get rusty and corroded when not used. More importantly, we must familiarize ourselves with the tools, understand them, and ever improve our skill in their use. Else the end product, if any, is pathetically poor.

We thought of a dear friend in the fellowship, prone like other alcoholics to move quickly from one hobby or interest to another, without really doing much with any of them. (Does that sound like someone you know?) Once this friend decided that working with his hands would solve some problems, quiet his nerves, perhaps help him to achieve serenity and balance. So he reviewed an impressive collection of tool catalogues with friends already addicted to the woodworking hobby.

He bought a large expensive collection of tools, and a lot of equipment. He hired a carpenter to build a shop in his basement, install the equipment, and make custom-built racks to house the tools. But in the end not one shaving and not one tiny bit of sawdust graced its floor. The idle tools serve just as will to keep our friend occupied while he doesn't go to meetings, do Twelfth Step work or engage in other happy activity in AA.

How many of you will be completely honest and admit that you have put the four Absolutes in the attic, a little rusty from non-use perhaps, but none the worse for wear? Give or take a little, how many of us who still maintain the workshop for the Absolutes, will admit that not too many shavings or much sawdust from our activity have ever graced its floor? Or even assuming that the activity has persisted, how many will admit that the end product did not win a prize for its quality?

Such lack of quality can only mean lack of objectives or lack of all-out effort toward such objectives. We must recognize the Absolutes as guideposts to the finest and highest objectives to mortal man. But recognition is not enough. We must use the tools.

Honesty

Over and over we must ask ourselves, "Is it true or is it false?" For honesty is the eternal search for truth. It is by far the most difficult of the four Absolutes, for anyone, but especially for us in this fellowship. The problem drinker develops genuine artistry in deceit. Too many (and we plead guilty) simply turn over a new leaf and relax. That is wrong. The real virtue in honesty lies in the persistent dedicated striving for it. There is no relaxed twilight zone, it's either full speed ahead constantly or it's not honesty we seek. And the unrelenting pursuit of truth will set you free, even if you don't quite catch up to it. We need not choose or pursue falsity. All we need is to relax our pursuit of truth, and falsity will find us.

The search for truth is the noblest expression of the soul. Let a human throw the engines of his soul into the doing or making of something good, and the instinct of workmanship alone will take care of his honesty. The noblest pleasure we can have is to find a great new truth and discard old prejudice. When not actively sought, truth seldom comes to light, but falsehood does. Truth is life and falsity is spiritual death. It's an everlasting, unrelenting instinct for truth that counts. Honesty is not a policy. It has to be a constant conscious state of mind.

Accuracy is close to being the twin brother of honesty, but inaccuracy and exaggeration are at least "kissing cousins" of dishonesty. We may bring ourselves to believe almost anything by rationalization, (another of our fine arts), and so it's well to begin and end our inquiry with the question, "Is it true?" Any man who loves to search for truth is precious to any fellowship or society. Any intended violation of honesty stabs the health of not only the doer but also the whole fellowship. On the other hand if we are honest to the limit of our ability, the basic appetite for truth in others, which may be dormant but not dead, will rise majestically to join us. Like sobriety, it's the power of example that does the job.

It is much simpler to appear honest, than to be honest. We must strive to be in reality what we appear to be. It is easier to be honest with others than with ourselves. Our searching self-inventories help because the man who knows himself is at least on the doorstep of honesty. When we try to enhance our stature in the eyes of others, dishonesty is there in the shadows. When falsehood even creeps in, we are getting back on the merry-go-round because falsehoods not only disagree with truth, they quarrel with each other. Remember?

It is one thing to devoutly wish the truth may be on your side, and it is quite another to wish sincerely to be on the side of truth. Honesty would seem to be the toughest of our four absolutes and at the same time, the most exciting challenge. Our sobriety is a gift, but honesty is a grace that we must earn and constantly fight to protect and enlarge. "Is it true or false?” Let us make that a ceaseless question that we try to answer with all the sober strength and intelligence we have.

Unselfishness

At first blush, unselfishness would seem to be the simplest of all to understand, define and accomplish. But we have a long road to travel because ours was a real mastery of the exact opposite during our drinking days.

A little careful thought will show that unselfishness in its finest sense, the kind for which we must strive in our way of life, is not easy to reach or describe in detail. In the final analysis, it must gain for us the selflessness which is our spiritual cornerstone, the real significance of our anonymity.

Proceeding with the question method of digesting the absolute, we suggest you ask yourself over and over again in judging what you are about to do, say, think or decide, "How will this affect the other fellow?"

Our unselfishness must include not merely that we do for others, but that which we do for ourselves. I once heard an old timer say that this was a 100% selfish program in one respect namely that we had to maintain our own sobriety and its quality before we could possibly help others in a maximum degree. Yet we know that we must give of ourselves to others in order to maintain our own sobriety, in a spirit of complete selflessness with no thought of reward. How do we put these two things together?

Well, for one thing, it points up that we shall gain in direct proportion to the real help we give others. How many of us make hospital calls simply because we think that we need to do it to stay sober? Those who think only of their own need and who reflect little on the question of doing the fellows at the hospital some genuine good, are missing the boat. We know, for we used to make hospital calls in much the same way that we took vitamin pills.

Then one day in our early sobriety, we were asked to call on a female patient. There weren't enough gals to go around in those days and the men were called in to help. Never will we forget the anxiety on the way to that nursing home. And after nearly two hours of earnest talk we left one of the noblest women we will ever meet, worried about whether we had helped, or hurt, or perhaps had accomplished nothing at all. Some of her questions stayed with us. We thought of better answers later on, and returned to see her several times.

We are helped on our long journey to unselfishness by our great mission of understanding which sometimes seems as precious as the gift of sobriety itself. But the quality cannot be confined alone to that which we do for others. We must be unselfish even in our pursuits of self-preservation. Not the least of our aid to others comes from the examples of our own lives.

Is there any protection against that first drink which equals our thought of what it may do to others, those whose unselfish love guided us in the beginning, and those whom we in turn guided later on? We are again reminded of the late verse of an anonymous poem:

"I must remember as I go,

Though sober days,

Both high and low,

What I must always seem to be

For him who always follows me."

Love

We often learn more by questions, than by answers. Did you ever hear a question that caused you to think for days or even weeks? The questions which have no easy answer are often the key to the truth. However, in this series on the four Absolutes, we are concerned with the questions we should be asking ourselves over and over again in life. The integrity of our answers to these questions will determine the quality of our life, may even determine the continuance of our sobriety.

A good question to ask ourselves on love might be, "Is it ugly or is it beautiful?" We are experts on ugliness. We have really been there. We are not experts on beauty but we have tasted a little, and we are hungry for more. Love is beauty. Coming from the depths of fear, physical agony, mental torture and spiritual starvation, we feel completely unloved, impregnated with self-pity, poisoned by resentment, and devoured by a prideful ego which with alcohol has brought complete blindness. We receive understanding and love from strangers and we make progress as we in turn give it to new strangers. It's as simple as that. Fortunately for us love is inspiring from the very beginning, even in kindergarten which is where many of us still are.

The old song tells us that love is a many splendor thing. In giving it we receive it. But the joy of receiving can never match the real thrill of giving. Consider that this great mission of love which is ours is seldom experienced by the non-alcoholic, and you have a new reason for gratitude. Few are privileged to save lives. Fewer have the rich experience of being God's helper in the gift of a second life. Love is a poor man's beginning toward God. We reach our twelfth step when we give love to the new man who is poor today, as we were poor yesterday. A man too proud to know he is poor, has turned away from God with or without alcohol. We have been there too. But if he has a drinking problem, we can show him the way through love, understanding and our own experience.

When we live for our own sobriety, we again become beggars in spiritual rags, blind once again with the dust of pride and self. Soon we shall be starving with the hunger of devouring ourselves, perhaps even lose sobriety, Love is "giving of yourself" and unless we do, our progress will be lost. Each one owes the gift of this second life of sobriety to every other human being he meets in the ceaseless presence of God, and especially to other alcoholics who still suffer. Not to give of himself brings the desolation of a new poverty to the sober alcoholic.

When we offer love, we offer our life; are we prepared to give it? When another offers us love, he offers his life; have we the grace to receive it? When love is offered, God is there; have we received Him. The will to love is God's will; have we taken the Third Step? Ask yourself, "Is this ugly or is it beautiful?" If it's truly beautiful then it is the way of love, it is the way of A.A., and it is the will of God as we understand Him.

Purity

Purity is simple to understand. Purity is flawless quality. Gerard Groot in his famous fourteenth century book of meditation, has an essay entitled, "Of Pure Mind and Simple Intention", in which he says, "By two wings a man is lifted up from things earthly, namely by Simplicity and Purity. Simplicity doth tend towards God; Purity doth apprehend and taste Him."

Purity is a quality of both the mind and the heart, or perhaps we should say the soul of a man. As far as the mind is concerned, it is a simple case of answering the question, "Is right, or is it wrong?" That should be easy for us. There is no twilight zone between right and wrong. Even in our drinking days we knew the difference. With most of us, knowing the difference was the cause or part of the cause of our drinking. We did not want to face the reality of doing wrong. It isn't in the realm of the mental aspects of purity that our problem lies. We can all answer the question quoted above to the best of our ability and get the correct answer.

It's in the realm of the heart and spirit that we face difficulty. We know which is right, but do we have the dedicated will to do it? Just as a real desire to stop drinking must exist to make our way of life effective for us, so we must have a determined desire to do that which we know is right, if we are to achieve any measurable degree of purity. It has been well said that intelligence is discipline. In other words knowledge means little until it goes into action. We knew we should not take the first drink, remember? Until we translate our knowledge into the action of our own lives, the value of it is non-existent. We are not intelligent under such circumstances. So it is with the decency of our lives. We know what is right, but unless we do it, the knowledge is a haunting vacuum.

In discussing unselfishness we mentioned that it includes more than just doing for others. We repeat that it includes all that we do, since much of our help to others comes through our own example. Nowhere is this more true than in the decency and rightness of our life. Were we to contemplate the peace and contentment that a pure conscience would bring to us, and the joy and help that it would bring to others, we would be more determined about our spiritual progress. If our surrender under the Third Step has not been absolute, perhaps we should give the Eleventh Step more attention. If you have turned your will and your life over to God as you understand Him, purity will come to you in due course because God is Good. Let us not just tend toward God, let us taste of him.

In Purity as in Honesty the virtue lies in our striving. And like seeking the truth, giving our all in its constant pursuit, will make us free even though we may never quite catch up to it. Such pursuit is a thrilling and challenging journey. The journey is just as important as the destination, however slow it may seem. As Goethe says: "In living as in knowing be intent upon the purest way."

The Absolutes - A Summary

Our consideration of the absolutes individually leads to a few conclusions. The Twelve Steps represent our philosophy. The Absolutes represent our objectives in self-help, and the means to attain them. Honesty, being the ceaseless search for truth, is our most difficult and yet most challenging objective. It is a long road for anyone, but a longer road for us to find the truth. Purity is easy to determine. We know what is right and wrong. Our problem here is the unrelenting desire to do that which is right. Unselfishness is the stream in which our sober life must flow, the boulevard down which we march triumphantly by the grace of God, ever alert against being sidetracked into a dark obscure alley along the way. Our unselfishness must penetrate our whole life, not just our deeds for others, for the greatest gift we bestow on others is the example of our own life as a whole. Love is the medium, the blood of the good life, which circulates and keeps alive its worth and beauty. It is not only our circulatory system within ourselves, but it is our medium of communication to others.

The real virtue is in our striving for these Absolutes. It is a never-ending journey, and our joy and happiness must come each step of the way, not at the end because it is endless. Cicero said, "if you pursue good with labor, the labor passes and the good remains, but if you court evil through pleasure, the pleasure passes and the evil remains." Our life is a diary in which we mean to write one story, and usually write quite another. It is when we compare the two that we have our humblest hour. But let's compare through our self-inventory and make today a new day. Men who know themselves, have at least ceased to be fools. Remember if you follow the Golden Rule, it's always your move too. To love what is true and right and not to do it, is in reality not to love it, and we are trying to face reality, remember? The art of living in truth and right is the finest of fine arts, and like any fine art, must be learned slowly and practiced with incessant care.

We must approach this objective of the Absolutes humbly. We pray for these things and sometimes forget that these virtues must be earned. The gates of wisdom and truth are closed to those wise in their conceit, but ever open to the humble and the teachable. To discover what is true and to practice what is good are the two highest aims in life. If we would be humble, we should not stoop, but rather we should stand to our fullest height, close to our Higher Power that shows us what the smallness of our greatness is.

Remember our four questions, "Is it true or false?", "Is it right or wrong?", "How will this affect the other fellow?", and "Is it ugly or beautiful?". Answering these queries every day with absolute integrity, and following the dictates of those answers one day at a time, will surely lead us well on our journey toward absorbing and applying the 4 Absolutes.

The Four Absolutes:

Absolute Honesty

Absolute Unselfishness

Absolute Love

Absolute Purity

These principles were adopted by the Oxford Group (for those who don't know, the Oxford Group is where A.A. got most of its program of recovery from) and are taken from Christ's greatest talk called "The Sermon on the Mount" found in Matthew 5:1 - 7:29. They are the essence of Jesus’ teachings about the Will of God, the ideals for our life, the moral standards by which our thoughts and actions may be tested for harmony with God's Will, and the keys to the kind of spiritual life God wishes us to lead, as outlined by Robert E. Speer in his book "The Principles of Jesus". They are an intelligent discipline of simple intention, positive motives, and a way to do the things that are right just for virtue's sake. In 1948, Dr. Bob recalled the Absolutes as "the only yardsticks" A.A. had in the early days, before the official Twelve Steps. He said he still felt they held good and could be extremely helpful when he wanted to do the right thing and the answer was not obvious. "Almost always, if I measure my decision carefully by the yardstick of the absolutes and it checks up pretty well with those four, then my answer can't be very far out of the way," he said. The Four Absolutes are still published in pamphlet form (included below) by the Cleveland Central Committee of A.A. and are widely quoted at A.A. meetings in the Akron-Cleveland area. A copy of the pamphlet can be ordered by calling the A.A. Intergroup at 216-241-7387 (Cleveland) or 330-253-8181 (Akron). Bill Wilson included the absolutes specifically in Steps 4, 5, 10 & 11 as found in the Big Book. They are used in their opposite, self-will form (since we need to see where self-will fails us):

Step 4 Step 10 Step 11

BB pg.67 Absolute BB pg.84 Absolute BB pg.86 Absolute

(self-will) (God's Will) (self-will) (God's Will) (self-will) (God's Will)

selfish unselfishness selfishness unselfishness resentful purity

dishonest honesty dishonesty honesty selfish unselfishness

self-seeking purity resentment purity dishonest honesty

frightened love fear love afraid love

The Oxford Group used the Absolutes in at least three specific ways:

1 - As a way to take inventory of our past to see where we fell short and in what ways, so that we could learn what areas of our life need to be worked on.

2 - During meditation or while being inspired or guided by our Inner Voice, as a way to differentiate between "God" thoughts and human thoughts.

3 - As a standard of living God’s Will, moment by moment.

By Barefoot Bill

A FOUR ABSOLUTES INVENTORY

*****When doing this inventory, look at your thoughts, words and

deeds as if they are being displayed on a screen for all to see.

Then ask yourself, "How would they be generally viewed?"*****

ABSOLUTE HONESTY

The real virtue in honesty lies in the persistent dedicated striving for it both with ourselves and with others, regulated with common sense and kindliness. There is no relaxed "twilight zone", it's either full speed ahead constantly or it's not honesty we seek. And the unrelenting pursuit of truth will set you free, even if you don't quite catch up to it. We need not choose or pursue falsity. All we need is to relax our pursuit of truth, and falsity will find us. Honesty is not a policy. It has to be a constant conscious state of mind.

It is not easy to be absolutely honest with ourselves because of what is called the tendency to rationalization. We set our minds to work not upon the facts as they are, but upon the business of inventing reasons for our courses of conduct. The ego plays tricks on us. We are self-deceived. It is a test of a person's character. And yet how easy it is to lie - even for spiritual people. The willingness to twist a meaning to gain a point, to misquote if the misquotation gains an end, exaggerations to make impressions, a lack of complete truth and misrepresentations in presenting goods for sale. What is at the basis of this looseness with the truth? Is it not often in the fact that we think a lie is sometimes justifiable? Lies are apart from God's Will. If lies are still there, no matter how spiritual we may be, we are still in the old self-defeating life and lower nature.

Please ask yourself, "Is it true or is it false? Are there any conditions under which I will or do tell a lie? Can I be depended on to tell the truth - no matter the cost? Can I be absolutely trusted in money matters? In my work? With other people's reputations? Are there any areas of my life (currently or when thinking about something that’s happened in the past) where I’m NOT dealing with reality or the truth?"

How have I fallen short in what I think, say or do? Please be specific.

ABSOLUTE UNSELFISHNESS

We must give of ourselves to others in order to maintain our own spiritual growth. It is the sacrifice of ourselves and our own interests to other people's interests without thought of reward. This is called altruism. To be willing wherever possible to help others who need our help, expecting nothing in return.

Please ask yourself, "What am I living for - myself, my own position, money, place, power? Or are my powers at the disposal of another’s need? At the disposal of our Creator's Work?" This test comes to the root of the matter. In the final analysis, what controls my actions - self-interest or God-interest? In the depths of my spirit, who gives the final word? Am I self-directed or God-directed? Also, are there any laws or rules that I think don’t apply to me? Is there anyone in my life or anything about life in general that I think needs to change?

How have I fallen short in what I think, say or do? Please be specific.

ABSOLUTE LOVE

In giving love, we receive it. But the joy of receiving can never match the real thrill of giving. Love is a spiritually poor man's beginning toward God. Love is "giving of yourself" and unless we do, our spiritual progress will be lost. When love is offered, our Higher Power is there. The will to love is God's Will.

Love is NOT a feeling, it is a DECISION. REAL love is what happens AFTER the feeling of love has gone. Consider these definitions: "Love is the will to extend ourselves for the purpose of nurturing our own or another's spiritual growth," or "Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love," or “Love is the ability and willingness to allow people to be who, and what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy us.” The Oxford Group defined love thus: "Love endures long and is patient and kind, love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, it does not boast and it is not proud. It does not act unbecomingly, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything without weakening. Love never fails, never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end."

Please ask yourself, "Is it based in faith or fear? Am I easily offended or am I loving? Do I lose my temper? Am I quick to sense slights? Or am I taking the attitude of love which refuses to be offended?" Bad tempered, touchy and quarrelsome spiritual people do as much to hold back our Creator's Work as liars and thieves.

How have I fallen short in what I think, say or do? Please be specific.

ABSOLUTE PURITY

Our problem here is the unrelenting desire to do that which is right. It is flawless quality. Knowing what is right means little until we DO what is right. Were we to contemplate the peace and contentment that a pure conscience would bring to us, and the joy and help that it would bring to others, we would be more determined about our spiritual progress. Giving our all in its constant pursuit, will make us free even though we never quite perfect it.

Purity of mind, of body and of purpose. True wisdom is thinking with the end in mind; it's the perfect combination of knowledge and love. A clean mind in a clean body that embraces clean conduct in business, in work and play, our use of our possessions, our attitudes toward relations with those we're sexually attracted to, friends and acquaintances, as well as in my habits. Purity means we do not manipulate, or seduce, or pre-program, or project hidden agenda's onto anyone or anything.

Please ask yourself, "Is it right or is it wrong? Are my motives pure in all of my affairs? Am I entertaining sexual lusts in act or in thought?" Do we have a problem with pornography? We may not be in the gutter but is the gutter in us?

How have I fallen short in what I think, say or do? Please be specific.

An Inventory Using the “First Draft” of “Bill’s Story”:

This format is based on the “searching and fearless moral inventory” Bill W. describes in the “first draft” of “Bill’s Story” (which was written prior to the 1st edition of the Big Book and the “Original Manuscript”… sometime during 1938).

The portion of the “first draft” of “Bill’s Story” that explains the inventory process is on page 3 of this document.

Step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Note: Statements below in italicized quotes (" ") are from the "first draft" of "Bill's Story".

KEYS TO WRITING INVENTORY

• "Where have I failed - is the prime question."

• "Go over your life from the beginning and ascertain... where you failed as a completely moral (truthful, Real) person."

• "...use pencil and paper."

What to Inventory and how to do it:

Each of the following 12 inventories can be written in column or paragraph format, whichever you prefer.

"Where, how and with whom had I ever been dishonest?" "...I was to ruthlessly tear out of the past all of my dishonesty and list them in writing."

A. Dishonesty:

1. I was (am) dishonest with: (including yourself)?

2. Why was (am) I dishonest? What was (am) I afraid of?

3. Which of the seven areas of self are affected, hurt, threatened, or interfered with because of this? (Write about the “seven areas of self” which we find in the Big Book on pages 64 & 65: self-esteem, pocket-book, ambitions, personal relations, emotional security, ambitions, and pride.)

4. Where was (am) I selfish, dishonest (by commission, omission, or self-delusion), self-seeking, and frightened in connection with this dishonesty?

5. Whom did I hurt and in what ways?

"Examine... sex conduct since infancy and rigorously compare it with what I thought that conduct should have been."

B. Sex Conduct

Review your own conduct over the years past. When finished, subject each relation to this test -was it selfish or not? (See Big Book, pages 68-70.)

• List all persons you've had relations with, starting with your earliest memories.

• List the person's name, how you met, your motives for getting involved, how the relationship ended, or where it's at today.

• Then answer the following questions from the Big Book.

1. Where had we been selfish?

2. Where had we been dishonest?

3. Where had we been inconsiderate?

4. Whom had we hurt?

5. Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy?

6. Did we unjustifiably arouse suspicion?

7. Did we unjustifiably arouse bitterness?

8. Where were we at fault?

9. What should we have done instead?

Get this all down on paper and look at it so you can consider an ideal for your future sex life and relationships. (Use your answers to question #9 as a basis for your "sex ideal".)

"How far and in what connection had I strayed and was I straying..." in regards to greed, selfishness, and thoughtlessness? "...make a good long list... be honest and vigorous.

C. Greed

1. I am greedy in regards to:

2. Why? What's the fear that's perpetuating greed?

3. Other defects stemming from this greed:

4. Who did I hurt? (Whom am I hurting?)

D. Selfishness

1. I am selfish in this area of my life / with this person(s):

2. Why? Is this selfishness (self-reliance) failing me? How so?

3. Other defects caused by this selfishness:

4. Who am I harming and how?

E. Thoughtlessness

Who have I been thoughtless toward or in what situations or life-happenings? Who/what have I neglected?

Why?

Other defects:

Whom did I harm and how?

"Had I been completely loving toward all...": "all my fellows including my family, my friends, and my enemies."

F. Unloving

1. Who have I not been completely loving toward?

2. Why am I not able to show them love through my actions?

3. What are the defects?

4. Whom did I harm (am harming) and how?

"Examine myself critically... and write down my conclusions" [in respect to resentments, self-pity, fear, inferiority, pride, and egotism.]

G. Resentment

1. I am resentful at: (Name persons, institutions, and principles with whom you are resentful, angry, burnt-up, or sore at. See Big Book, pages 64-67.)

2. The cause: (What do I think they did to cause my resentment?)

3. Which of the seven areas of self are affected, hurt, threatened, or interfered with because of this? (Write about the “seven areas of self” which we find in the Big Book on pages 64 & 65: self-esteem, pocket-book, ambitions, personal relations, emotional security, ambitions, and pride.)

4. Where am I at fault? What did I do? Where am I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid? Where am I to blame?

H. Self-Pity

1. I have (or have had) self-pity when:

2. Do I start the ball rolling? (Do I "play a part" in whatever I think causes my self-pity?) How? What do I do?

3. List other defects, including fear: Whom did I harm (am harming) and how?

I. Fear

1. List your fears:

2. Why do you have each fear? (Hint: List the underlying fear. i.e.: I'm afraid of heights because I'll fall. I'm afraid of falling because I'll hurt myself. I'm afraid of pain...)

3. Where / how has reliance on my own self-will failed me?

4. Perhaps there's a better way. What would God have me be (instead of afraid)?

J. Inferiority

1. What areas of my life do I feel inferior?

2. Which of the "seven areas of self" are hurt, threatened, or interfered with because of this inferiority?

3. Where was / am I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate, and thoughtless? List any other defects that contribute to feeling inferior (which is a "mind-made false sense of self").

4. Whom did I hurt and how?

K. Pride

1. Pride is dominant in the following areas of my life:

2. What "areas of self" does this pride affect?

3. Where was (am) I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate, and thoughtless? (Keep your main focus on "What am I really afraid of?")

4. Who do (did) I hurt by my pride and how?

L. Egotism

1. My ego is blocking me from God consciousness in the following areas of my life:

2. "Who" (what “state-of-being” do I think I am? What characters [mind-made actors] am I portraying? What "ego-masks" am I wearing? [i.e.: “The Husband”, “The Employee”, “Mr. AA”, “Spiritual Mystic”, etc.])

3. What is (are) the above “character(s)” (“states-of-being”) afraid of? What other defects were caused by this fear(s)?

4. Whom am I hurting and how?

After writing is complete... "Carefully go over your personal inventory and definitely arrive at the conclusion that you are now willing to be rid of all these defects; moreover... understand that this would not be accomplished by yourself alone, therefore... humbly ask God to take these handicaps away."

© 2001 Mike L., West Orange, NJ

The following is a portion of the “first draft” of “Bill’s Story”. It describes how Ebby T. explained to Bill W., in 1934, to write his “searching and fearless moral inventory” (what we now know to be Step 4 in our 12-Step Program of Recovery). The numbers to the left are the line-numbers of the original draft.

NOTE: Words were not in boldface font in the “original draft”. The editor has done that so the reader can easily pick out the twelve areas that Ebby told Bill to inventory.

995. …I should

996. next prepare myself for Gods Company by taking a thorough and ruth-

997. less inventory of my moral defects and derelictions. This I should

998. do without any reference to other people and their real or fancied

999. part in my shortcomings should be rigorously excluded-" Where have I

1000. failed” is the prime question. I was to go over my life from the

1001. beginning and ascertain in the light of my own present understanding

1002. where I had failed as a completely moral person. Above all things in

1003. making this appraisal I must be entirely honest with myself. As an

1004. aid to thoroughness and as something to look at when I got through

1005. I might use pencil and paper. First take the question of honesty.

1006. Where, how and with whom had I ever been dishonest? With respect to

1007. anything. What attitudes and actions did I still have which were not

1008. completely honest with God with myself or with the other fellow. I

1009. was warned that no one can say that he is a completely honest

1010. person. That would be superhuman and people aren't that way.

1011. Nor should I be misled by the thought of how honest I am in

1012. some particulars. I was too ruthlessly tear out of the past all

1013. of my dishonesty and list them in writing. Next I was to explore

1014. another area somewhat related to the first and commonly a very

1015. defective one in most people. I was to examine my sex conduct

1016. since infancy and rigorously compare it with what I thought that

1017. conduct should have been. My friend explained to me that peoples

1018. ideas throughout the world on what constitutes perfect sex conduct

1019. vary greatly Consequently, I was not to measure my defects in this

1020. particular by adopting any standard of easy virtue as a measuring

1021. stick, I was merely to ask God to show me the difference between

1022. right and wrong in this regard and ask for help and strength and

1023. honesty in cataloguing my defects according to the true dictates

1024. of my own conscience. Then I might take up the related questions

1025. of greed and selfishness and thoughtlessness. How far and in what

1026. connection had I strayed and was I straying in these particulars?

1027. I was assured I could make a good long list if I got honest enough

1028. and vigorous enough. Then there was the question of real love for

1029. all of my fellows including my family, my friends and my enemies

1030. Had I been completely loving toward all of these at all times

1031. and places. If not, down in the book it must go and of course

1032. everyone could put plenty down along that line.

1033. my friend pointed out that resentment, self-pity, fear,

1034. inferiority, pride and egotism, were attitudes which

1035. distorted ones perspective and usefulness to entertain such

1036. sentiments and attitudes was to shut oneself off from God and

1037. people about us. Therefore it would be necessary for me to

1038. examine myself critically in this respect and write down my

1039. conclusions.

The 12 & 12’s Fourth Step Inventory

The inventory starts on page 48 where it says:

“But all who are in the least reasonable will agree upon one point: that there is PLENTY wrong with us alcoholics about which PLENTY will HAVE to be done IF we are to expect sobriety, progress, and any REAL ability to cope with life.

“To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings - the Seven Deadly Sins”:

Pride – Also included here is self-righteousness, grandiosity, ego, conceit, gossip, vanity, and arrogance. An excessive and unjustified opinion of oneself: both positive (excessive self-love) or negative (self-hate); high or overbearing opinion of one’s looks, worth or importance; pride of self usually unconsciously blinds us to our liabilities and leads us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without twisting or misusing our God-given instincts, then the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives and pride steps in to justify our excesses; leads to bragging about our own achievements or temporary good fortune and leads to fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances; blinded by “big-shot-ism” and prideful self-confidence, people turned away from us bored or hurt; putting self in the place of God as the center and objective of our life; it is the refusal to recognize our status as creatures dependent on God for our existence and placed by Him in a specific relationship to the rest of his creation, neither greater than nor less than anyone else; opposite of humility. Where is pride manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Greed – Also included here is being materialistic, money-hungry, possessiveness, and selfish. Having an excessive desire, ambition or eagerness to obtain anything beyond our needs; the refusal to respect the integrity of other people, creatures or the Earth, expressed in the inordinate accumulation of material things, in the use of other persons for our personal advantage, or in the quest for status, power or security at their expense; not paying ALL your bills EVERY month. Where is greed manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Lust – Also included here is horniness and carnal hunger. Inappropriate sexual desire, pursuit, fantasies or activity; disrespectful sexual thoughts; we sometimes speak of love while practicing lust, and even while staying within conventional bounds, many people have to admit that their imaginary sex excursions are apt to be all dressed up as dreams of romance; excessive masturbation or pornography. Where is lust manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Anger – Also included here is rage, irritation, wrath, and resentment. A strong mental irritation at something that offends, excited by a real or imagined attack or injury, often accompanied by a desire to attack back or seek “justice” or to obtain satisfaction from the offending person, place or thing; we sometimes think that self-righteous anger can be very enjoyable, in a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority, gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, we are not trying here to help those we criticize, we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness. Where is anger manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Gluttony – Also included here is overeating. Greed or excess in eating; indulging in something excessively or inordinately. Where is gluttony manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Envy – Also included here is covetousness, jealousy and begrudge. Uneasiness, discontent or resentment aroused by another’s superiority, advantages or success, usually accompanied with some degree of ill-will; to be discontented at seeing a person have something. Where is envy manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Sloth – Also included here is procrastination, laziness, sluggishness, and indifference. To delay action or labor; habitual laziness and idleness; the habit of often showing up late; spending significant amounts of time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact, and accepting it. Where is sloth manifested itself in your life in thought, word or deed? Please be specific.

Then on page 50 it says:

By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the PRIMARY CAUSE of his drinking AND his failure at life; that unless he is NOW willing to WORK HARD at the ELIMINATION of the WORST of these defects, BOTH sobriety and peace of mind will still ELUDE him; that ALL the faulty foundation of his life WILL HAVE TO BE TORN OUT and built ANEW on bedrock.

Then the inventories begin:

1 - Looking back over your life, you can readily get under way by consideration of questions such as these:

a) When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Did I spoil my relationships/marriage and injure my children? Did I jeopardize my standing in the community?

b) Just how did I react to these situations (question 1a) at the time? Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself?

c) How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?

2 - Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these:

a) In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? (See also question 4a)

b) In what ways did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility, or by griping that others failed to recognize my TRULY EXCEPTIONAL abilities?

c) How did I overvalue myself and play the big shot?

d) In what ways did I have unprincipled ambition by double-crossing and undercutting my associates?

e) Was I extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not? Was I a pinchpenny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially? What about the "quick money" deals, the stock market, and the races?

3 - The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully ALL personal relationships which bring CONTINUOUS OR RECURRING trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this:

a) Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression?

b) Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Where were you at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?

These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to (with God’s help) alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.

4 - Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself:

a) To what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties? (see also question 2a)

b) If the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?

Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root cause. In other words, what activities do you do that can be better spent doing something else, what other areas of your life are out of balance, are lacking integrity, or are behaviors or thoughts that fall short of an ideal you have?

Then it closes with:

Therefore, THOROUGHNESS ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection, it is wise to WRITE out our questions and answers. It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first TANGIBLE evidence of our COMPLETE willingness to move forward (Steps Five through Twelve).

© 2005 Barefoot Bill L. All rights reserved. Any use or reproduction of this material, in part or any form - for sale, trade or barter - is STRICTLY PROHIBITED unless accompanied with the expressed WRITTEN PERMISSION of the copyright holder. Individuals may make copies for their personal use.

FEAR INVENTORY PROMPT SHEET

Here is a list of fears that may be helpful in your Fear Inventory. Feel free to add to this list if you need to.

Fear Of Abandonment

Fear Of Acceptance

Fear Of Anger

Fear Of Animals

Fear Of Authority

Fear Of Being Alone

Fear Of Being Found Out

Fear Of Being In A Relationship

Fear Of Change

Fear Of Confrontation

Fear Of Creditors

Fear Of Crying

Fear Of Disapproval

Fear Of Diseases

Fear Of Doctors

Fear Of Drowning

Fear Of Dying

Fear Of Failure

Fear Of Fear

Fear Of Feelings

Fear Of Gangs

Fear Of Gays

Fear Of Getting Old

Fear Of God

Fear Of Gossip

Fear Of Government

Fear Of Guns

Fear of Having Children

Fear of Having No Children

Fear Of Heights

Fear Of Hospitals

Fear Of Hurting Others

Fear Of Insanity

Fear Of Insects

Fear Of Insecurity

Fear Of Intimacy

Fear Of Jail

Fear Of Lies

Fear Of Living

Fear Of Loneliness

Fear Of Losing A Child

Fear Of Losing A Spouse

Fear Of Losing A Parent

Fear Of Love

Fear Of Making Amends

Fear Of Men

Fear Of Not Being In A Relationship

Fear Of Not Being In Control

Fear Of Not Having Sex

Fear Of Not Having Enough $

Fear Of Not Having A Job

Fear Of Parents

Fear Of People

Fear Of Physical Pain

Fear Of Police

Fear Of Public Speaking

Fear Of Other Races

Fear Of Rejection

Fear Of Relapse

Fear Of Religion

Fear Of Responsibility

Fear Of Sex

Fear Of Sin

Fear Of Sobriety

Fear Of Stealing

Fear Of Success

Fear Of The Truth

Fear Of The Unknown

Fear Of Violence

Fear Of Wealth

Fear Of Women

Fear Of Working

Fear Of Writing Inventory

Fear That There Is No God

|FEAR INVENTORY |

|I listed my fears. (68:1) | |But did not I, myself, set the ball rolling? (67:3) How did |Just to the extent that we do as we think God would have us, |

|(Remember to include the fears |I asked myself why I had them. (68:1) (The |self-reliance fail me? (68:1) How am I contributing to the |and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity |

|identified in the Resentment |justification you tell yourself for having |fear? This includes considering if my own selfishness and |with serenity. We direct our attention to what God would have|

|Inventory. Also consider the |the fear, usually another underlying fear.) |self-centeredness was involved. (62:1) (This is similar to the |us be. What, perhaps, is a better way? (68:2 & 3) |

|opposite fear.) | |fourth column of Resentments. Also, is the fear imagined or | |

| | |real?) | |

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|FEAR INVENTORY |

|I listed my fears. (68:1) | |But did not I, myself, set the ball rolling? (67:3) How did |Just to the extent that we do as we think God would have us, |

|(Remember to include the fears |I asked myself why I had them. (68:1) (The |self-reliance fail me? (68:1) How am I contributing to the |and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity |

|identified in the Resentment |justification you tell yourself for having |fear? This includes considering if my own selfishness and |with serenity. We direct our attention to what God would have|

|Inventory. Also consider the |the fear, usually another underlying fear.) |self-centeredness was involved. (62:1) (This is similar to the |us be. What, perhaps, is a better way? (68:2 & 3) |

|opposite fear.) | |fourth column of Resentments. Also, is the fear imagined or | |

| | |real?) | |

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|SEX & HARMS INVENTORY |

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| |Did I unjustifiably |I reviewed my own conduct over the years past. Where was I at fault? | |

| |arouse (in THEM): |Where had I been | |

| |(69:1) | | |

|Whom did I hurt? (69:1) |J |S |B |selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? (69:1) |What should I have done instead? (69:1) |

|(Directly or indirectly. Perhaps begin with|E |U |I |What were/are my motives? (70:1) | |

|the people you’ve had sex with and then |A |S |T |(Remember to go back and put on the Fear Inventory any new fears you find | |

|branch out to all relations, even those not |L |P |T |while reviewing your past sex & harms conduct.) | |

|involving sex.) |O |I |E | | |

| |U |C |R | | |

| |S |I |N | | |

| |Y |O |E | | |

| | |N |S | | |

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|SEX & HARMS INVENTORY |

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| |Did I unjustifiably |I reviewed my own conduct over the years past. Where was I at fault? | |

| |arouse (in THEM): |Where had I been | |

| |(69:1) | | |

|Whom did I hurt? (69:1) |J |S |B |selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? (69:1) |What should I have done instead? (69:1) |

|(Directly or indirectly. Perhaps begin with|E |U |I |What were/are my motives? (70:1) | |

|the people you’ve had sex with and then |A |S |T |(Remember to go back and put on the Fear Inventory any new fears you find | |

|branch out to all relations, even those not |L |P |T |while reviewing your past sex & harms conduct.) | |

|involving sex.) |O |I |E | | |

| |U |C |R | | |

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RELATIONSHIP IDEAL

Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes - absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower natures, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter (judge) of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

During and after the sex inventory, we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subject each relation to this test - is it selfish or not? We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remember always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the impurious (which means “urgent”) urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

(pages 68-70)

Since it suggests that we come up with a future sex (relationship) ideal, please use this form to develop one. For you, what would be the ultimate? What is usually included here are: 1) ideal attributes and behaviors in OURSELVES that we would like to bring to a relationship, 2) ideal attributes and behaviors that we would look for in SOMEONE ELSE that we might consider having a relationship with. (If you are currently in a relationship, #2 would then become: positive attributes and behaviors that my partner already has that I can appreciate and notice more.), and 3) attributes and behaviors that would describe what an ideal relationship would generally look like.

When done with the Step 4 Inventories, use the accumulated answers to the Big Book question "What should I have done instead" (BB page 69:1) as a guide to develop your sex ideal (principles, values, standards). In prayer, ask God to mold your ideals and help you live up to them (BB page 69:2). Write out, in paragraph form, your chosen sex ideal as revealed IN MEDITATION.

This is not about IDEAL SEX! It is about the principles, values, and standards you'll use as a basis for future conduct - your SEX IDEAL.

My Creator, please give me healthy thinking about sex, mold my ideal, help me to be willing to grow toward that ideal and to have the strength to live up to it.

Herb K.

SEX IDEAL

Suggestions on shaping a sane and sound ideal for our future sex lives.

Before we begin we asked God about each specific matter.

Subject each relationship to this test:

A. Is it selfish or not?

1. Am I an equal partner in the relationship?

2. Am I only concerned with my own needs, wants and desires?

B. Am I using this relationship to satisfy my other primary instincts?

1. To build my self-esteem?

2. For financial or material gain (vacations, clothes, food or shelter…)?

3. For emotional security (the need to be in the relationship to dominate or to overly depend on my partner)?

4. For my ambitions (my future plans to gain self-esteem, material or emotional security, personal or sexual relations)?

5. For personal relationships because I feel incomplete being alone?

C. Am I arousing jealousy, suspicion, bitterness?

Jealousy:

1. Am I flirting with the opposite sex, with my partner present?

2. Am I showing extra attention to the opposite sex (in person or on the phone), with my partner present?

3. Am I talking about the opposite sex to my partner (suggestively)?

Suspicion (creating doubt):

1. Am I more concerned with my physical appearance (new clothes, hairstyle…)?

2. Do I use excuses or lie to be away from my partner?

3. Do I fail to call when I say I will?

4. Am I emotionally distant with my partner when we are together?

5. Am I with holding physical intimacy?

Bitterness:

1. Am I sarcastic?

2. Am I not communicating because of discontent?

3. Am I often late for our dates?

D. Not repeating those actions which create jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness (column 2)

How do I do this? We strive for the opposites of the defects we found in column 2.

Unselfishness: Willing to share myself spiritually, emotionally, materially, and physically.

Honesty: Tell the truth regarding my feelings and thoughts no matter what I think my partner wants to hear (remembering that honesty with out kindness is hurtful).

Thoughtfullness: Seeking ways to be thoughtful of my partners needs rather than my own.

Spirtuality: Letting God direct the relationship (rather than fear).

Consideration: Considering my partners need, wants, desires, and feelings.

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