FADE IN: - SimplyScripts



FADE IN:

1 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM

We begin the film watching an episode of the Absolutely Clueless Show.

Two people sit in two separate chairs. AIDEN, 15 years old with long hippie hair and ABIGAIL, 13 year old average girl.

AIDEN

Cheerio!

ABIGAIL

And welcome to another episode of

The Absolutely Clueless Show!

AIDEN

Hey Abigail.

ABIGAIL

Yes Aiden?

AIDEN

Do you know what I did yesterday?

ABIGAIL

What?

AIDE

I went to a magical place called

“the dentist”.

ABIGAIL

Ace (brilliant)!

AIDEN

No Abigail! No ace! It was pear shaped! (disastrous)

ABIGAIL

What do you mean Aiden?

AIDEN

This man stuck construction tools

into my mouth!

ABIGAIL

Fiddle sticks!

AIDEN

And that isn’t even the worsest part!

ABIGAIL

There is more?!?!

AIDEN

He gave me this device!

Aiden pulls from his pocket a toothbrush.

ABIGAIL

What is this?

AIDEN

These Americans call it a toothbrush!

ABIGAIL

A brush for your teeth?

AIDEN

I thought you brushed you hair with

a brush!

ABIGAIL

Dodgy (not trustworthy) are these dentists?

AIDEN

You bet.

ABIGAIL

What a bunch of gits!

AIDEN

And they also said I had a cavity!

ABIGAIL

What is this cavity you speak of?

AIDEN

I have no idea! They just said you have a cavity and we need to fill it!

ABIGAIL

Did it hurt?

AIDEN

I don’t remember they gave me this special gas that made me kip (sleep). And they also have something called braces (suspenders)!

ABIGAIL

The dentist sells suspenders?

AIDEN

That’s what I thought! But they are actually these things that go on your teeth! To make them straight!

ABIGAIL

Well enough of our waffling (talking).

AIDEN

Blimey (Oh no) Abigail, tell our viewers about the Web Show Awards this Friday!

ABIGAIL

Oh you are right Aiden! Well this Friday is the Web Show Awards and we are a nominee!

AIDEN

So don’t fanny (procrastinate) around and got to the official site and vote for us!

ABIGAIL

Well it looks like it is time for us to go!

AIDEN

See you blocks (folks) next time on the…

TOGETHER

Absolutely Clueless Show!!! Cheerio!

2 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - WIDE

We are now on a Wide Shot of the room where Abigail and Aiden were just sitting. A camera sits in front of the two British teens.

They both wait for a beeping noise and then go out of their ‘show’ characters.

AIDEN

Good show today Abigail!

ABIGAIL

You too Aiden!

AIDEN

I’m gonna go get a pint (drink). You want something?

ABIGAIL

No thanks I’m going to check on our Awards Status. Yesterday we were at number one.

AIDEN

Bully! (nice)

Aiden goes up a set of stairs as Abigail walks over to a laptop computer. She begins to type something into the computer.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP -

Abigail is typing in the computer

CUT TO:

Computer Screen - We are on the Web Show Awards Website. On the website there is a list titled “Current Winning Web Show”. This list follows.

1. The Absolutely Uniformed Show

2. The Absolutely Clueless Show

3. Butt Monkey Show

4. Paris Hilton

5.

CUT TO:

Abigail stares at the results. The Clueless Show is Number 2!!!! Abigail’s face turns red in fury.

3 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Aiden is standing in the kitchen drinking a soda. Abigail comes running in from the basement.

ABIGAIL

AIDEN!!!

AIDEN

What’s wrong Abigail?

ABIGAIL

The Clueless Show!

AIDEN

What about it?

ABIGAL

We aren’t number 1!

Ayden’s face goes from a smile to sheer terror.

AIDEN

What? How?

ABIGAIL

Come and see!

They both go running into the basement, the door slams behind them.

4 INT. BASEMENT/CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - CONTINOUS

Aiden and Abigail come running up to the computer.

ABIGAIL

Look!

Aiden reads the list.

AIDEN

The Absolutely Uniformed Show? Check out their site!

ABIGAIL

Here ya go.

CUT TO:

THE ABSOLUTELY UNIFORMED WEBSITE - It is very similar to that of the Absolutely Clueless Show.

CUT BACK TO:

Abigail and Aiden looking at the website.

AIDEN

Let’s watch one of their webisodes!

Abigail clicks on one of the videos.

CUT TO:

UNIFORMED WEBSHOW -

Two kids sit in two separate chairs. Hayden and Abby are the two hosts of the show. They are both about ten years old. They both have Canadian accents. Their show is very similar to the Clueless Show.

HAYDEN

Welcome to the Absolutely Uniformed Show!

ABBY

I’m Abby!

HAYDEN

And I’m Hayden and we…

TOGETHER

…are Canadian!

ABBY

So guess where I went yesterday Hayden.

HAYDEN

Where?

ABBY

To Tim Horton’s!!!

HAYDEN

Ooooo! Tim Horton’s! The coolest place in Canada. (to camera) You know Tim Horton’s was founded in Canada! And that is where we are from!

ABBY

And guess what I got from there.

HAYDEN

What?

ABBY

(in total excitement)

A donut!

HAYDEN

A donut?!?!?

ABBY

(squealing)

With sprinkles!

HAYDEN

Did you get a drink with that donut?

ABBY

Yes…a HOT CHOCOLATE (pronounced chalk-o- latte).

HAYDEN

Mmmmmmmm! Delicious!

ABBY

Well look at the time!

HAYDEN

It must be time for our night classes!

ABBY

Until next time good people.

HAYDEN

Eat Tim Horton’s!

ABBY

Cheerio!

The web show ends.

CUT TO:

Abigail and Aiden stare at the screen.

AIDEN

That is what is beating the Clueless Show?!?

Canadians talking about donuts!

ABIGAIL

Those boffins (nerds) got nothing on the Clueless Show!

AIDEN

But what can we do to stop this?

ABIGAIL

We cannot let them win the Web Show Awards!

TOGETHER

I got it!

AIDEN

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

ABIGAIL

I think so…

TOGETHER

Take them down!

ABIGAIL

But how?

AIDEN

I say we show ‘em the old Brit way.

He makes a punching motion.

ABIGAIL

I got something better!

Abigail whispers to Aiden.

AIDEN

Oh yeah! But how do we find where they are?

ABIGAIL

Maybe it says on their site.

They both go back to the computer and look on the website.

AIDEN

Go to the Contact page. Maybe it says something about their location.

Abigail clicks on the Contact Page. An address to Hayden and Abby’s location appears on the screen.

ABIGAIL

There it is!

Aiden pulls out a paper and a pen. He scribbles down the address: 3165 Canadianripperoffer Drive.

AIDEN

Got it!

ABIGAIL

These arsefaces (ugly person) are going down!

AIDEN

Now to Map Quest!

FAST SHOTS:

-Abigail enters in the computer

-The Uniformed Address is entered in the directions

-Clueless Show address is entered in the directions

- The Map Quest Page gets printed out

END FAST SHOTS.

AIDEN

(holding up directions)

Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!!!!

ABIGAIL

Let’s go!

5 EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Aiden and Abigail are walking down a sidewalk. A woman dressed oddly walks by the two. She wears a long colorful boa.

AIDEN

Look Abigail! A tom (street walker)!

ABIGAIL

Ooo! I’ve never seen one so close before!

AIDEN

Excuse me fine looking tom, could I touch your boa?

The woman ignores Aiden and keeps walking.

ABIGAIL

She must be a deaf tom.

Aiden and Abigail walk onwards.

6 EXT. DIFFERENT SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY

Aiden and Abigail are reading the directions as they are walking.

A dog runs up to Abigail. She lets out a terrifying scream.

ABIGAIL

Aaaaaa! A monster!!!

AIDEN

What is this hideous beast?

ABIGAIL

It smells like feces!

AIDEN

It is a creature from Satan himself!

The dogs owner comes running up to the dog.

DOG OWNER

Sorry about that. She got loose from her leash.

ABIGAIL

What is this creature?

DOG OWNER

(confused)

A-a-a dog.

A&A

(looking at each other)

Dog?

DOG OWNER

Yeah, a dog. Haven’t you heard of a dog before?

AIDEN

No chunky sir. You see we are from…

ABIGAIL

Britan!

DOG OWNER

I thought British people had dogs?

ABIGAIL

(in a snooty manor)

No we don’t. You see English people have dogs. British people don’t.

DOG OWNER

Oh ok. Thanks for the history lesson.

The Dog Owner walks away with his dog.

Abigail and Aiden continue on their adventure. Abigail is looking at the floor and Aiden is looking forward. He stops in his tracks.

Abigail sees him stop. Aiden stares into the distant. Abigail looks at Aiden.

ABIGAIL

What is it?

Aiden doesn’t speak he just points.

CUT TO:

A McDONALD’S RESTAURANT!

CUT BACK TO:

Aiden is drooling at the mouth.

AIDEN

French fries…!

ABIGAIL

Aiden we don’t have time for French fries.

AIDEN

Could I get a kids meal?

ABIGAIL

Aiden we gotta save the show!

AIDEN

(in a trance)

Who cares about the show there are French fries in there!!!

ABIGAIL

Aiden you are acting like an arse (butt)!

Aiden just looks at Abigail.

Cue the song ‘French Fries’.

AIDEN

FRENCH FRIES!

GOTTA TO HAVE THEM!

GOTTA LOVE ‘EM!

FRENCH FRIES!

NOTHING WILL COMPARE TO THEM!

FRENCH FRIES!

(Continues on Next Page)

EXPERIMENT WITH SOMETHING LIVING!

FRENCH FRIES!

CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN CHIIIP’S!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

CHORUS

FRENCH FRIES!

AIDEN

I’VE ALWAYS LONGED FOR SOMETHING GREASY!

CHORUS

FRENCH FRIES!

AIDEN

BUT YOU COMPARE ME TO AN ARSE!

CHORUS

FRENCH FRIES!

AIDEN

STAY WITH THE BRITS, I’M JOINING THE AMERICANS!

CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN BRITAN!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

Aiden is barking mad jumping around the sidewalk. Swinging on light posts as he sings this tune. Then during a break in the song a guitarist appears and begins to play the song. Aiden joins in with her.

AIDEN

SOMETHING’S CHANGING!

I CAN FEEL IT!

WE’RE AMERICANS, NOW!

WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT?

(Continues on Next Page)

FRENCH FRIES AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

FRENCH FRIES AND YOU WON’T BOSS ME!

YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME ABIGAIL,

FRENCH FRIES ARE FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!!!

Abigail slaps Aiden. He falls to the sidewalks pavement. He holds his cheek in terror as he stares at Abigail.

AIDEN

I’m sorry Abigail. The power of the grease came over me.

ABIGAIL

It’s ok Aiden.

AIDEN

Now lets go get those Canadian suckers! And can we get some fries after we teach them a lesson?

ABIGAIL

Of course.

They both smile. Abigail helps Aiden stand up and they walk off together.

7 EXT. SIDEWALK - EVEN LATER THAT DAY

Abigail and Aiden are still reading the directions. They are both looking at the paper. They begin to walk off the sidewalk. They keep walking through somebody’s front yard. They run into the persons house.

They tumble to the ground and stand back up. As they do they see inside the house a TV playing the movie “Creature from the Haunted Sea”.

AIDEN

Look Abigail, a TELEVISION!

ABIGAIL

I wish we had one of those in Britan.

The Creature appears on the TV screen. They both scream as if it were real and then they take off running.

ABIGAIL

(as they run away)

I changed my mind!!!

8 EXT. SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY

Abigail and Aiden are walking down (yet another) sidewalk.

ABIGAIL

Look!

She runs over to the side of the sidewalk.

AIDEN

What is it?

ABIGAIL

It’s a…

She holds up a guinea pig.

ABIGAIL

…a rat of some-sort.

AIDEN

Just allow it (leave it alone).

She pets it.

ABIGAIL

Owww!

She tosses the guinea pig out into the middle of the road.

AIDEN

What happened?

ABIGAIL

The booger bit me!

AIDEN

Oh, well.

ABIGAIL

Let’s go!

They both leave.

We then pan over to a telephone pole where a sign hangs saying:

MISSING GUINEA PIG!

If Found Please Return!!!

$5,000 dollar reward!

Call 614-529-0606

9 EXT. UNIFORMED SHOW HOUSE - ALMOST NIGHT

Abigail and Aiden walk up to the house. It is dusk. They are looking at the directions.

ABIGAIL

We are here!

AIDEN

Let’s get em!

They go running up to the front door. They try to open it, it’s locked!

ABIGAIL

Do we gotta to break into the house?

She grins.

AIDEN

No Abigail! That is illegal in America.

But I do know where ALL Canadians hide their house keys.

Aiden pulls up the mat at the front door and sure enough there sit’s a key.

Aiden picks it up and unlocks the door. The two storm into the house.

10 INT. UNIFORMED RECORDING ROOM

Hayden and Abby are recording a show. They are sitting in their seats with a camera in front of them.

HAYDEN

…and the dentist said I had a cavity!

ABBY

OMG!

Aiden and Abigail storm into the room.

HAYDEN

CUT!!!!!

They both go out of character.

ABBY

What in the name of Niagara Falls are you two doing here?

AIDEN

We want you to stop ripping of the Clueless Show!

HAYDEN

What are you talking about?

ABIGAIL

You airheads know what we are talking about!

AIDEN

And there is only one way to settle this!

ABIGAIL AND AIDEN

Yo Mama Off!!!!

ABBY

What?

ABIGAIL

Yo Mama Off. Winner gets to keep their webshow and the looser looses their webshow.

Do we have deal?

Hayden and Abby look at each other. Then they smile.

HAYDEN AND ABBY

Yeah!

ABBY

Oh and ya’ll can go first.

Abigail pulls out a ROUND 1 sign.

ABIGAIL

Round one!

Aiden and Abigail whisper something. Aiden then walks up in front of Hayden and Abby.

AIDEN

Yo mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone!

BACKGROUND

Oooo!

Hayden steps up.

HAYDEN

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

BACKGROUND

Oh no she didn’t!

It is now Abigail’s turn.

ABIGAIL

Yo mama so fat when she puts on a yellow rain coat people yell “taxi”!

BACKGROUND

Oooo snap!

Abigail and Aiden slap a high five. Abby walks up.

ABBY

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

BACKGROUND

It’s getting’ hot in here! Tie!

ABIGAIL

(holding round 2 sign)

Round 2!

Hayden walks up.

HAYDEN

Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!

BACKGROUND

Burn!

Hayden is happy with her joke.

AIDEN

Yo mama so stupid she stole from a free sample!

BACKGROUND

Double burn!

Abby walks up.

ABBY

Yo mama so fat when she backs up she beeps!

BACKGROUND

Boo! Heard it before!

Abigail smiles. She then steps up.

ABIGAIL

Yo mama so fat her belly button has an echo!

BACKGROUND

Yeah! Clueless Show wins round 2!

Abigail holds up a Round 3 sign.

ABIGAIL

Round 3!

Hayden walks up.

HAYDEN

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon!

BACKGROUND

Boo!!!! You Stink!!!!

Hayden walks back to her spot in shame hanging her head. Abigail steps up.

ABIGAIL

Yo mama so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote.

BACKGROUND

Cha-ching!

Abigail walks away proud. Abby takes her turn.

ABBY

Yo mama is yo papa!

BACKGROUND

What the…?

Aiden steps up.

AIDEN

Yo mama so stupid she can’t read an audio book!

BACKGROUND

Bowchickabowow!!! Team Clueless Wins!

AIDEN and ABIGAIL

We won!

AIDEN

In your faces!

ABIGAIL

Neener Neener!

They are so excited. They jump into the air and slap a high five in slow motion.

Abby and Hayden sit in shame as the two party. But then suddenly Abby pulls out a gun and shoots Aiden. He goes crashing to the floor.

DEAD.

Abigail turns and looks at Abby in horror. Abby passes the gun to Hayden who proceeds to pull the trigger. Abigail screams in horror. She gets hit and falls to the ground.

ABIGAIL’S POV - Everything goes blurry. She is still screaming.

DARKNESS - FOR TEN SECONDS.

11 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM

Abigail is sitting her usual chair. She is actually OK. Her eyes are shut. She is asleep.

Aiden runs over to her and wakes her up.

AIDEN

Abigail come quick!

Abigail jumps up from her horrible dream.

ABIGAIL

It was just a dream!

AIDEN

Abigail! Come and see!

ABIGAIL

What is it?

AIDEN

The Absolutely Uniformed Show!

ABIGAIL

What?

AIDEN

They are ripping of the Clueless Show!

Aiden pulls Abigail over to the computer and shows her the Uniformed Website.

AIDEN

These two idiots host the show their names are…

ABIGAIL

Hayden and Abby.

AIDEN

Hey how did you know?

ABIGAIL

Lucky guess.

Abigail lets out a strange smile.

AIDEN

We gotta go stop them! C’mon!

Abigail stares at him in terror.

ABIGAIL

NO!!!!

CUT TO:

11 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM - SAME TIME

Abigail is in her chair asleep, again. Aiden runs up and shakes her.

AIDEN

Wake up,!

ABIGAIL

What?!?! What’s wrong?

AIDEN

Nothing. Are you ready to do another

episode…

Abigail takes a breath of relief.

AIDEN

…of the Absolutely Uniformed Show, Abby?

ABIGAIL

What?

AIDEN

Abby…that’s your name!

ABIGAIL

What are you talking about?

AIDEN

My name’s Hayden and your name is Abby…

ABIGALE

No! Your name is Aiden!

AIDEN

What are you talking about.

CUT TO:

WIDE SHOT of the room. It is the Uniformed Room. Abigail looks around and notices it. She looks over and dead on the floor is Abby and Hayden (the real one’s from before).

AIDEN

It’s too bad we had to dispose of those two Clueless Show losers.

ABIGAIL

What?

AIDEN

You don’t remember Abby? You killed one of them!

ABIGAIL

(to herself)

This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening!

Aiden begins to laugh hysterically. Abby and Hayden’s dead body rise up from the floor and walk over to Abigail and reach out to grab her. She screams for help.

SMASH CUT TO:

12 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM

Abigail is sitting her chair, eyes closed and she is screaming.

Aiden comes running in.

AIDEN

What’s wrong?

ABIGAIL

Aiden?

AIDEN

Yes?

She knows that she is in reality. She just smiles and takes a breath.

ABIGAIL

I just had the craziest dream!

We slowly pan away as Aiden sits down.

Abigail begins to tell him about her dream.

SLOWLY FADE OUT.

ROLL END CREDITS

THE END

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