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3229692208529This nectar is sweet, but this newsletter is sweeter.This nectar is sweet, but this newsletter is sweeter.29260800I wish you were my nipple and I was this baby. I wish you were my nipple and I was this baby. -293-148004Huntingten Homies00Huntingten HomiesHello Boys,We are currently nine weeks through this fantasy journey. One of the special things about this season that exists in every season is that it’s not really fantasy. How often would you talk to most of the people in this league if we weren’t in this league together? Despite being 4-5, I am very thankful that I have this fantasy league to keep in touch with Andre, Chip, Grant, Alec, and Jeffrey. These are guys I don’t live with and don’t play fortnite with every week. They are also my friends and I’d be pissed at myself if I lost communication with them. So I want to offer a toast of sorts to the continued friendship this league gives us. It would obviously be nice for me to finish the season 3-1 and make the playoffs and win the league and sleep with a trophy, but in a couple months when I am sleeping alone and sharing a new years kiss with nobody, I will be thinking about the stupid trades I should have made and what I can do to make the draft more fun next year. And wow that was a long ass sentence. So here is to competition, but most importantly – here is to friendship. On a different note, I want to offer a bit of a preview for this newsletter. Because I am in a bit of a retrospective mood, I want to look at where we were in this league 1 year ago. This should provide some happiness for teams looking back on fonder times, and maybe it will also provide for some comedy. Since it is 2 AM on Sunday as I am writing this, I am actually going to use the same comparisons from last year, and we can read and reflect on how we have changed, how we have stayed the same, and how in heat I was during No Nut November 2018. Also, I am listening to Taylor Swift as I write this and I wonder if that will effect the way in which it is written. One last though before I begin: Was that the proper use of effect in the last sentence or should it have been affect. I want each of you to take solace in the fact that I do not know the answer.Strength of ScheduleThere isn’t much to write home about here. One interesting thing is that I goofed and did not edit out the names of M*tt and *lec. I always use their name in really small and white font so I can keep things in alphabetical order. Fact is Ridge has been put through the grinder with his schedule and somehow 3-6 Connor has had the easiest schedule. Alternative SchedulesHere you can see what schedule you could have if only you weren’t cursed with the one you actually do have. Green cells are at least two wins higher and red are at least two wins lower. Notice Chip has the most red, and Ridge has the most green.LuckinessThe previous chart of Alternative Schedules is highly correlated to this Luckiness chart. Chip is very lucky at this point, and I really hope that luck stops this week, but I am also the second luckiest team. It is about darn time that Ridge gets a win. According to stats Ridge should be 6-3. That ain’t the case. DK AwardsYou know the drill. Let’s go!00KILLER KONG – Chip has quietly had the second best DK average score this season. Of course first has been Andre by a resounding margin. But this week Chip put up 26 and caught a W. A funny tidbit is that Andre’s average this season has been 26.4, so Chip’s league high 26 didn’t even eclipse Andre’s average.340995052070DIDDY KONG – This award is easy to give this week. Jeffrey had 24 points. That was the second highest score, but guess what? He did not win. That makes asking “Diddy Win?” pretty redundant. But no that boy Jeff caught his sixth L. lefttopHAIRLESS KONG – This one is actually tough because there was a three way tie for the lowest score this week. Ridge, Andy, and Andre all made cases to be Hairless Kong, but due to a mighty one falling, I elect Andre as the Hairless Kong this week. Suffer I say.400050254000POWER RANKINGS0POWER RANKINGS22860012446001. Chip2. Andre3. Andy4. Ridge5. Hedgehogs6. Grant7. Nick8. Stephen9. Thad10. Urchins11. Jeffrey12. Connor001. Chip2. Andre3. Andy4. Ridge5. Hedgehogs6. Grant7. Nick8. Stephen9. Thad10. Urchins11. Jeffrey12. ConnorPanic RankingsThis is new, but I am essentially going to list all the teams and give a short snippet of what level of panic this team should be having.Urchins – Lots of PanicUrchins is sitting at 3-6 and his remaining schedule has an average power ranking of 6.25. Since Urchins is first I do not know how that APR (average power ranking) compares to the rest of the league. Urchins should be panicking because he likely has to go 4-0 to make the playoffs but depending on how things shake out he could get in if he finishes at 3-1. Andre – Really Low PanicBeing at 6-3 is a position 10/12ths of this league would love to be in. Andre remembers his midseason slump from last year though when he lost what I believe was 6 consecutive weeks. Andre is feeling a cool breeze right now, but it’s very possible that he could go 0-4 and still make the playoffs. That possibility does not equal a probability and going 2-2 to finish would be a burden off of his shoulders. Andy – Some Panic5-4 is a tough place to be in. When 5-4 is equal to a 2 seed that is kinda concerning. With a dull couple weeks Andy could be in the bottom 4 of the league and at risk to shoot a half naked calendar. There shouldn’t be too much panic though because Andy’s team is legit and the metrics think he is #3 which isn’t nothing.Chip – Literally no panicEverything would have to go sideways just for Chip to get a 2 seed. Chip has secured a playoff spot so congrats for that. Connor – Barely any panicIn reality, Connor has multo panico (much panic). Connor has played in more close games than anybody, so each week he has to stress about if he will get a win. Most of the time there has been no win to receive for him. In the grand scheme of things, Connor plays #5, #4, and #1 the next three weeks. I doubt he makes it through that unscathed, which he needs to do in order to get in the playoffs. So Connor can kinda relax and try to go 3-1 to escape the bottom 4. But Connor probably ends up in the bottom 4, so it’s a good thing Connor works out.Grant – Large PanicGrant’s team is in freefall and sits with so many other teams at 4-5. I’m actually laughing right now because to close the season Grant plays #2, #5, #4, and #1. That is crazy unfortunate for him. The good thing for him is that he is only one game away from the 2 seed. So if Grant can go 3-1 he has nice odds and if he can go 2-2 there is a chance. The best thing Grant has going for him is his week 2 win against Andy. He has to get out of this slump pronto.Jeffrey – How PanickedThis one is tough because I do not see Jeffrey getting panicked. Jeffrey plays #10, #9, #2, and #12 to finish the season. It’s ridiculous to see Jeffrey in this position given the skill on his team, but he should win a couple of those games. Given his inconsistency it is unrealistic he wins all of them. He is #11 for a reason. I also would not want to play Jeffrey in the last place matchup. Hedgehogs – What is Panic?I think of Hedgehogs as a little fish that swims around a shark for protection. I could say maximum panic and he’d be confused as to why. I am not saying maximum panic though, I just think this one is pointless to dissect because it wont register in a relevant place even if he read this. He should feel blessed at 5-4 though but far from comfortable.Nick – Dr. PanicNick has won three games in a row, and it would be four if it weren’t for a .5 loss against me. Nick’s fortunes have flipped by a ton, and he finishes the season against #8, #10, #9, and #2. Going 3-1 would probably be enough, and that looks possible, but going 1-3 also seems plausible for a team that lost 5 consecutive this season. He could finish at any of the three tiers (playoffs, middle, bottom 4). He is probably more panicked about a doctor test or something though.Ridge – Beyond PanicI don’t mean to say that Ridge is at an all time level of panic, but instead that he is probably tired of being panicked and is now over it. Ridge has lost 3 weeks in a row going from a proud 4-2 to 4-5. Ridge is the best team not currently in the playoffs. Clutching up and finishing 3-1 will be paramount in a crowded Western conference.Stephen – PaninicStephen seems to win each week that it is absolutely necessary. He is consistently doing enough to stay out of the teams with the worst record. Stephen is more pressed than a panini to win some games. Stephen’s last four games are against four teams that are ranked better than him. He is in the East so he is in an easier position than many. The most difficult for Stephen to overcome is the question of if a team who maxes out at 132 points can make the playoffs. Stephen’s team has been too consistent to finish the season above .500.Thad – Always panickedWhen your duty is to write this newsletter, you are probably thinking about fantasy a bit more than everyone else. Not a brag, but instead an insult that a person so invested in this league is sitting at a lucky 4-5. I expect Chip to treat me brutally this week, but every other week provides me with an opportunity to win. Meaning 7-6 is not impossible. It is unlikely a team that has not strung 2 wins together in a row could finish 3-1.PredictionsThese are not Chipredictions, so don’t be disappointed by him when these don’t live up to his creative level. I was going to try to do these picks as if I were Chip, but I really don’t have the gusto to look and spreads and such. So lets get right down to this maties.Tanking 4 Tua vs Melbourne Sea UrchinsThis is the worst matchup of the week, but as you may expect from a week 10 matchup, it brings a good storyline. One of these teams will lose to a team with the worst record in the league. This one is primed to set up a team to be in last place and have a place in the bottom 4. I honestly think Jeffrey’s team is just better. He has Chris Carson, Michael Thomas, Zeke, and Aaron Rodgers. Urchins doesn’t have that.Prediction: Tanking 4 TuaHuntington Hedgehogs vs Richard ShermanThis one could be brutally low scoring, or maybe one of these teams lights it up. It’s frustratingly inconsistent. Connor scored 68.8 points one week and that wasn’t the lowest score of the season. No Matt topped or should I say bottomed that score with a 59.4. I haven’t checked the records, but I am willing to say that that is the worst regular season score ever. Connor knows how to win/lose a close game like nobody else, and maybe I am just a wishful thinker here but…Prediction: Richard Sherman (in a close one?)Team Nolan vs Nuktown OBJYN’s In our one documented meeting between these teams, Stephen was the victor. That is saying something since Stephen finished 3-10 last year. This is an important matchup. One of these teams is going to be .500 after this week and its okay if that blows your mind. The winner will be in a pretty good position to make a playoff push while the loser would have a lot to overcome including a tiebreaker. If you want to chuckle take a glance at whoever Nick puts in his flex this week. It can’t be good. Prediction: Nuktown OBJYN’s (definitely?)Alvin and the Noserings vs Ki-Thadi-MundiThis matchup should almost certainly live up to the lack of hype it has. I have a personal grudge against Chip for beating me out for the final playoff spot last year based on a tiebreaker. This year there won’t be a tiebreaker separating us. Chip and I are the two luckiest teams in the league, but I’ll be the one needing the luck this week. Leonard Fournette, the only player I can brag about picking, is on BYE this week. Alvin Kamara is healthy. Those two things are keeping this from being maybe a little interesting. Prediction: Alvin and the Noserings (maybe not the spread though (Chip -25.6))Davante’s Inferno vs Dalvin and the ChipmunksLet me be the first to say I hate having one team called “Dalvin and the…” and one named “Alvin and the…” it is confusing. This matchup is close to being the matchup of the week. One of these teams is about to get out of a slump. Each person should be cheering for the person in the opposite division. I have enjoyed seeing both of these teams take steps sideways, but it shall end. Andre has won his lone matchup against Grant. Grant has looked a lot more wobbly in scoring the past few weeks.Prediction: Dalvin and the ChipmunksRuffles have Ridges vs Daddy’s DarlingsGAME OF THE WEEKA game with a spread of 20 is my pick for game of the week. This feels weird, but the fact of the matter is that this game has the most at stake for all of us. The loser of this game is going to lose some major footing on the playoffs. Andy can afford a loss, but someone in his division is going to match his 5 wins at the end of this week, and that adds some pressure. Ridge’s decent shot at the 4 seed loses space as well as other 4-5 teams will win and leave him chasing them. If Matt wins and Ridge loses then that is major trouble. Ridge has never beaten Andy including the playoffs last year. Prediction: Daddy’s Darlings (closer than the spread (Andy -20))ComparisonsBut first… An old story retoldHonestly this was in the newsletter 1 year ago and it made me laugh again. If you all have some good stories please write a NNN section for us next week.Actually the ComparisonsThere is brief new content at the end.ANDY: Elizabeth Conaty0190500Do not be confused and think that me comparing the best fantasy team to Elizabeth means I am still into her. Would I have sex with her? If we were married yes. The way I came to this comparison was easy, and in my head it was a toss up. Nick will not remember this because he was gone, but the other 8 of you might. I made a very detailed 32 or 64 girl bracket one year. I let a ton of people fill it out and made it a point system. I still have those power rankings on my phone, because why would I let that go to waste. I know Chip remembers, because dating #10 on the power rankings (Grace B) was a big pull. Great job Chip. But anyway, I could not recall if it was Elizabeth or Sara Miran that was #1 and I was going to give Andy whoever that was. It was Liz. Liz, I believe, was widely regarded as the hottest girl at school. Andy is undeniably the best team in fantasy. Last week there was an argument for Connor, but now they are 2 games apart. I would not say Liz/Andy is unbeatable. In fact, if it was not November I could beat to her right now. That’s a pun. Andy, congratulations.CONNOR: Kate Odonnell0-444500Ooh you thought because Connor was good he would be compared to one of the hottest girls from HHS history? You would think that Connor being my favorite fantasy team might mean I would not choose one of my biggest “enemies” from high school to be his comparison. But look at who Kate was at HHS. She was a lesbian yes, but she was a very popular lesbian. She even beat me for Senior Class President, which literally makes me cringe even today. Kate was probably better at soccer than anyone in this league. Kate was a king, not a queen. She dated Shannon Rowe (#5 in the female PR) at one point. That was before Shannon got fat all the sudden. So, a comparison to Kate should be considered a good thing here. Connor has a very good team, and while most of us were not close to Kate, she was very good at being popular and being gay.RIDGE: Kadin Gouldlefttop00Looking at Kadin Gould what complaints can one have? Also is having a crush on Kadin a thing? I’m wondering if that is something everyone went through. I’ll put that in this weeks poll. Kadin has a really solid body, and a beautiful face. In my experience, my biggest problem was dancing with her at prom, where her height made my experience physically uncomfortable. On the female PR, she came in ranked at 13, and if she had gone to HHS, I bet she would have been higher. There are some issues with the comparison here, because Ridge has always been #3 in the fantasy PR, but his team has never been there. Ridge is probably viewed in the Power Rankings as an overvalued. There may be some truth to that, but I think that thought actually makes him undervalued by the public. The similarity here is that Kadin and Ridge should be viewed higher. GRANT: Olivia Hutchinson0317500Wow I was really tempted to deal a low blow to Grant by saying Mackenzie Lyons, but I really do not think I am being overly kind with a Livi comparison. It is not much of a secret that I am not a fan of Grant’s team. He won again this week and did not wait long to say something about it in the GM. You know what that specific instance reminds me of? That freeking sash Livi wore everywhere after she won Ms. Teen West Virginia. We should really make a fantasy loser sash, that the loser has to wear around for a week after they lose. Just a thought. Anyway, when you look at Livi obviously she is pretty, but does it blow you away? There is way too much of a try hard mentality, and Grant shares that as he makes a new trade every week. Livi came in at #4 of the very thorough female Power Rankings, and I do not think she should have been there. I think her name did more for her than her actual looks. For Grant I can not say the same thing. If anything Grant’s name hurts him, because Grant is Grant. But it can’t be team quality that has added up to five wins for Grant, because his team looks like trash.JEFFREY: Laura Varnum0254000I apologize to Nick if he does not know who this is. You guys know the theme for Jeffrey right? I stick to it every single week, and while I was close to giving Laura to Ridge, I got smart. Maybe all of you have heard of Laura Varnum. She does not even appear on the power rankings from high school, and that list has 22 girls. So she is not at the top of any ranking, but look at her. This is not the picture I was hoping to find, but I think she deleted her old Instagram. She has a really good body. Seriously like an 8/10 body, and her face really is not bad. But for whatever reason, she was not popular in high school. She flew under the radar. And this is me returning to Jeffrey as an under the radar team at 4-5. He put up some points this week, and he should be 5-4 sitting in a playoff spot.ANDRE: Taylor James0-444500It has been about 6 years since Taylor James entered the picture for most of us. I remember there was a lot of build up for Taylor James. People talked about how the elite girls were coming. It took awhile for me see Taylor James, and when I did I just saw a girl. She was attractive, and I think she is pretty fairly ranked at #15 in the female power rankings. If I divide up the time I have known of Taylor James to the first 3 years and the last 3 years, it looks a lot like Andre’s season. *Note I am not trying to be mean, I really enjoy Taylor James and know she has had a hard past. She once said I was the funniest person she knew when we had only had one exchange.* The first three years of me knowing Taylor James she was popular. This takes me through my senior year. She was not without her flaws, as her boyfriend did butt stuff with another guy right?? And she stayed with him?? I am chalking that as a flaw, and the equivalent of Andre’s one loss in the first 6 games. But overall, Taylor was the boobs. She had really big boobs and boobs are hot. So overall that is a win. So Andre looks good at 5-1. Now to my knowledge Taylor began to fall off the wagon. I have heard things about severe weight loss and cocaine use. Whatever actually happened, she fell from relevancy quicker than Haley Defade. This is my comparison to Andre’s 0-3 record the past three weeks.CHIP: Mikayla Shepherd0-127000My comparison here is pretty simple. It is that Chip and Mikayla are both 1 Dimensional, even though that booty is like 4 dimensional. But this is what I am talking about. Mikayla was maybe THE butt. To me, the butt is what kept her relevant, and when I was introduced to a new world of butts at college, Mikayla’s butt fell to the back of my mind. I did not say I forgot Mikayla’s butt though, because I did not. I had pottery with her, and she demonstrated for the class one day how she likes to ride ****. I do not think I will ever forget that. If you are wondering, it was a squat vs on the knees scenario. She preferred on the knees so her knees would not get tired. But wow a great hiney. Chip’s one dimension is his lack of big player outside of Alvin Kamara, so his one dimension is Kamara. It is probably fair to say at this juncture that the Kareem Hunt trade was an L for Chip. I am not saying David Johnson is a scrub, but he has not panned out as a first round pick, just like Mikayla’s pans never grew out. How do we feel about calling boobs pans? I’m calling it innovative. Also, Mikayla was ranked 20th in the female power ranking. Keep in perspective that there were many girls in this bracket, so 20 is very good. You’re dumb if you are counting out Chip.3897925307200STEPHEN: Jensyn LeonhartI would have been fine without including Jensyn in this ranking. She had many of us in a cuckhold in high school, and for what? I do not know why I have such disdain for Jensyn, but she is very pretty. She is ranked #17 in the female power rankings. Stephen is ranked #8 in our current rankings, but if you look, he is only about 1 full point away from being in the top 4. I consider Jensyn to be in a similar place at 17. She could fairly easily be a bit higher. So while Jensyn is very pretty, I would contend that you DO NOT get what you see. Unless Jensyn went through puberty at age 20, then there are a couple things in that picture that are smaller than they appear. This was prevalent in high school as well as she always wore kind of a 2 layered top. There was the white under layer and then the outer layer v neck. She was always maneuvering those pans around to make them look bigger. Stephen’s team is not what it appears to be at face value either. One might think that a team with Woods, Beckham, and Hopkins would be at the top, but it is not close to being in the playoff. I have got more for this one. Stephen has been at both ends of “trade rapes”. Stephen has “tricked” and been “pounded”. Those words are the best ones for this comparison. I know Jensyn tricked/teased me, Andre, Chip, Andy, and perhaps more of us. It was a cycle of flirtation that would not stop. Jensyn has also been pounded. This is in reference to her current relationship. He is really big and she is such a small thing. Speaking of fantasy, seeing that on tape might be one of my fantasies. THAD: Isabella Chirico02833The things going on in my pants when I look at this will rename unsaid. To make any comparison believable, we have got to keep the female power rankings out of this, because in those, Isabella is #3. I have no claim to be that high in our fantasy rankings. I am not trying to claim that I am one of the best in the league, because I am pretty bad. But Isabella is BAAAAD. You feel me?? What I am getting at is I am pretty hot right now. Maybe I have only won 2 games in a row, but that is tied for the second best streak in the league right now. I will talk some mad trash though because I am going to f up Grant this week as I wrap up my revenge tour. Maybe I am not top tier right now, but I am single and ready to mingle. Please date me Bella.NICK: Shaina Madden0190500Shaina Madden is the next big porn star okay? She does not appear in the female power rankings though because she only went to HHS for about a month every other year. This is a clean comparison to Nick’s disappointing fall this week. Nick was nowhere to be found despite making a little noise at the beginning of the season. Then I was starting to come around to him and boom! He scored sub 100 again this week. Shaina did a lot of drugs, so here is a stretch. Let us say that scoring below 100 is a drug. Nick was addicted to that ish. Then he got clean and looked good. Now he has relapsed. I am sure something similar to this has happened to Shaina. I am not a Shaina stan, but she is definitely sexier when on cocaine, than Nick is when he scores under 100 points.FACT: Shaina Madden’s picture is the only person’s picture taken from google. This has got to be some indicator for life direction.*******NEW CONTENT*******Things I noticed that changed or didn’t change from a year ago: I find almost all of these people less attractive than I must have last year. Chip is no longer 1 dimensional. Jeffrey is clearly on the radar of being a bad team this year.I was a total dick ball for making a bracket of women we know, but also I want to do another one.Andy is no longer undeniably the best team in fantasy.Nick’s romance with scoring under 100 points is much less prevalent (has scored above 100 7/9 times).Isabella is still a babe.Jensyn got way more airtime than she deserved.I’m not saying sh17 about Kadin because I want to be a better person.Boobs are still really fun to look at but cocaine is bad 4 u (Taylor James Shaina Madden)I was too hard on Grant.Connor is so much worse lol ................
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