University of Massachusetts Amherst



“Just Talk to Me”Day 3: Communication IssuesRelational Homework: The following can be completed verbally, or in written form. Practice creating a plan with your partner for healthy conflict resolution/communication. Prepare in advance before meeting with your partner, and ask them to do the same. Consider the content from today’s group. Consider what challenges you have in communicating with each other, how you want to relay that, and any steps you might make towards stronger communication. Share your plan with your partner as you try to practice strong communication skills, and listen to your partner by listening thoughtfully. Reach a consensus that feels good for both of you. Take this conflict resolution plan and put it to work next time issues arise. Independent Homework: Read the below outline. This can also be found at this URL. We read the beginning portion during today’s session. For homework, start at “the power of listening” and read through the end. Power of ListeningWhy it’s important: You want to be heard. You want to share your viewpoint. One of the best ways to get the other person to hear you out is to hear them out first. If you interrupt, argue, or just don’t listen, they are not likely to take the time to listen to you. It also leads to greater understanding. Often we can find that our goals aren’t too different if we just listened. Or, even if they are different, by listening and understanding each other, we are much more likely to see the bigger picture in the situation and be able to come to a better solution.How to listen – the Do’s and Don’ts:Be genuine: Really listen. Really care about what they are saying. Don’t fake it. It will show.Give your full attention: Don’t be looking at other people, checking your phone, etc. Focus on them, not what you want to say nextHelp them feel felt: Reflect their emotions back to them. Say things like: “Wow, that must have been frustrated.” “That must have made you sad.” “It must be very irritating having to deal with that.”Paraphrase: Repeat back what the person said in your own words. Make sure you understand what they are saying. This also helps them know that you heard them and understand.Use good body language: Look at them in the eyes. Stand (or sit) up straight facing them. Don’t frown or show any kind of disgust on your face. Smile where appropriate.Don’t cross your arms if you can help it.: Shaking your head (unless in agreement or showing a “wow, I can’t believe it” response or the like), rolling your eyes, etc. will just turn people off.Mirror: mirroring someone’s body language and speech pattern can help you connect with someone. If someone is talking very slowly, and you start talking very fast, there is a disconnect there.Don’t interrupt: It’s deflating. If you wouldn’t take the time to listen to them, why do you think they would listen to you?Don’t minimize problems or question their reactions: Just because it doesn’t seem a big deal to you doesn’t mean it isn’t to them. Don’t jump in with a similar story: When you do that, you are shifting the attention from them to you, and they may not feel heard yet. Instead, dig deeper into their story.Don’t give advice (unless asked for), judgments, or criticismsHow to Receive Feedback Why is it important that we receive feedback well?: We learn and grow as people. When you never listen and always play the blame game, you stay stuck where you are and never get better.You resolve issues: You fix problems before they grow larger. Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, if you listen, you can find where misinterpretations and unintentional consequences happened and resolve them.You better relationships: When others feel they can come to you and communicate about the different issues in your relationship or life, it brings you closer to them.You build deeper, more intimate relationships: Why we sometimes don’t listen to feedback. Unfortunately, instead of listening, we often get defensive. We argue why something happened and blame someone or something else.Why do we get defensive: Truth: Sometimes what the other person says is just plain not true. So, we reject it. But the truth is, we often don’t listen enough to really know if there is any truth in what they are saying. It can be easy for us to find some nugget of falsity in what they are saying so that we reject the whole thing. That’s dangerous. While some of what they say may be false, some of what they say may be true. And if part of it is true, then if we listen to that, we can change for the better. Relationship: It can be easy to reject feedback based on who the person is who is giving the feedback. Right? Or we may question their motives and intentions for giving it, so we don’t listen. That’s dangerous. When we do that, we may miss out on something important or that could make us better people. And we have to remember, our assumptions are assumptions. We don’t know if they are true unless we ask or talk to them about it. Truth is though, sometimes we can receive the best feedback from those who aren’t like us or don’t like us. So, instead of quickly rejecting something because of who is saying something or what you think their motives are, listen.Identity: We reject feedback because it affects our identity, who we think we are. If we accept the feedback as true, then that means we aren’t the person we think we are. We aren’t as good or kind or talented as we picture ourselves. And that can hurt.Fixed vs. Growth mindset: Fixed mindset: A fixed mindset believes that your intelligence and abilities are all set from birth. Because of that, everything is a test or competition to see and show where you stand. When someone with a fixed mindset receives feedback, it knocks them down a level, and they don’t want that. Don't view feedback as showing you how deficient you are. See it as an opportunity to grow and get better.Growth mindset: Believes that we aren’t set from birth that we can always grow, learn, and get better. A growth mindset is more likely to take feedback as an opportunity to grow and get better, not a test or something that shows them as deficient.We all are wired differently: We all can take feedback differently. For example, for some, they take it, hear it, and move on. Others may exaggerate it more than it means. You get a bad report and you take it as the end of your career, or it means the person doesn’t love you anymore, or it means you are an utter failure. It can sometimes be easy to assume the worst and exaggerate the feedback well beyond what it means.So how do we fight this?: Separate the facts, feelings, and assumptions. What was really said? What does it really mean? What is not being said? How do you feel? Why do you feel that way? What are you assuming to make you feel that way? What are your assumptions? Are those based on fact? What is really being said? What do you know and not know?Realize that your identity is complicated: Just because you make a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. Don’t see yourself in such a “one or the other” mentality. Don’t see it as an attack on your character but as an area that you can improve to get even better. Realize that we can all grow and get better. Feedback is not a test showing how you are deficient, but an opportunity to learn and grow. How to receive feedback:Prepare (if you can). Think through the situation and see where you have contributed to the problem. Make sure your motives are right.Listen: Your goal is to listen, to understand their viewpoint and what they are saying, and to make sure the person feels understood and validated. Remember, validating someone and listening is not the same as agreeing with them. As you listen, paraphrase. Make sure you understand what they are saying (and show them that you do). Sometimes a person may be indirect or not really know how to express themselves. You may need to ask questions to dig deeper and to help them find the assumptions or “story” they told.Respond: Remember not to get defensive or attack or belittle. Share your viewpoint of the situation, starting with the facts and then moving to your story and feelings. You may need to go back and forth with the person before the situation is resolved, listening back and forth.The ABC Method: Agree, Build, Compare: What if you disagree?: That’s okay. They could be wrong. Just tell them. Be transparent. Don’t be rude about it, but let them know. Be firm and appreciative. “I appreciate you sharing this with me, and I don’t think that this is really an issue in my life right now.”Do you always have to listen to feedback?: No. Sometimes you may not be in an emotional state where you can listen. Or maybe you have a lot going on in your life and you just don’t want to hear it right now. It’s okay to set boundaries and say, “This is not a good time right now. Thanks though.” Just be careful not to use this as an excuse not to listen to other’s feedback ever.How to confront othersPrepare yourself: Make sure you have the right motives.Prepare your message: Writing it out can help. You can also prepare for how the other person may respond.Visualize the conversation: Close your eyes and see yourself talking to the other person calmly and respectfully. See yourself giving the message with confidence and humility.Give the message:I statements: Using “I” statements rather than “you” statements are effective because it doesn’t blame or attack the other person, but focuses on you. It also focuses on facts (behaviors) rather than assumptions. i.e. “I feel X when you Y because Z.” or “When you Y, I feel X because Z.”I feel (feeling) when you (the behavior) because (how it affects you).i.e. “I feel sad when you talk to me in that tone of voice because it makes me think you aren’t listening to me” or “It frustrates me when you take items off my desk because I waste time looking for something that’s not there.” Or “It hurts me when you don’t pick up after yourself because it gives me the impression that you don’t care.”Straight talk: Telling someone what you need and why. It’s useful when giving a command and adds a sense of respect toward the other person by giving a why. For example, “I want/need X because Y.”, “I need you to clean out the garage because we need to start pulling the car in again.”Problem Solving and Solution FindingGoal of problem-solving: To come to a solution that satisfies both parties – in most cases. If the person is toxic, abusive, or you are setting boundaries, the other person may never agree to the boundary that you are giving, but you have to give it anyway (and if it’s abusive or extremely toxic – you may want to get extra help with that). But, in most cases, you want a solution both people agree on. Why? If someone “agrees” to it but is not happy, they are less likely to follow through. Or, if you pushed your solution and told them what to do, they might not do it out of promise vs. Consensus: Compromising is when you both give up something (or some things) and come to a solution that no one is really happy with. That is not your ideal solution. Instead, your goal should be to come to a consensus, a decision that everyone is happy with. It’s not that you will never have to give up something, but if you come to it with the wrong mentality and come up with a solution that no one is really happy with, follow through is likely to be poor.Not all conflict is resolvable: It’s just a fact – you aren’t going to be able to solve every problem. All relationships have problems. Having a happy relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have any problems. It means that you learned how to manage those problems together as a team well. Sometimes it’s a person’s personality or firmly held belief. You are going to have a very hard time changing those. In those situations, unless it’s a harmful behavior, your best bet is to find a way to cope with it. Learn to see it as a positive and benefit instead of as a negative.If the behavior is harmful or abusive – get out and get help.: You have to focus on you and what you can do. You can choose to cope and try to manage the behavior, or you can choose to cut loose and let go.Key points to remember when problem-solving:Make sure it solves the real issue: Don’t just come up with a solution to get through the process – otherwise, you’ll be back dealing with it again really soon.Make sure it meets everyone’s needs: Don’t be a martyr and accept something that doesn’t meet your needs. Make sure it meets your needs and the other person’s needs.Remember your mutual purposeDon’t start the problem-solving until the problem discussion is doneSay thanks: show appreciation for them working together with you to solve this issue.End with commitment, who does what, and when you will follow upHow to problem solve: Define the problem: define the problem in terms of need, not solutions.Brainstorm for ideas: Get out a piece of paper and throw out ideas for solutions. During this time, nothing is critiqued or commented on. Everything is written down. Sometimes the wackiest solutions can spur the best solution.Select the solution(s): Go through the list and see what ideas could work.Make a plan: Decide who will do what and by when. Write it down. Decide on a time when you will follow up to make sure the solution(s) are working.Take actionFollow up: Are the solutions working? Do you need to try something else? Is someone not following through? If things are falling through the cracks, you may need to have another discussion and find out why. Is it that the solutions chosen aren’t working or that someone wasn’t really happy about the solutions? ................
................

In order to avoid copyright disputes, this page is only a partial summary.

Google Online Preview   Download