“We Can Get Them For You Wholesale”

[Pages:9]"WeCanGetThemForYouWholesale"

byNeilGaiman

PeterPinterhadneverheardofAristippusoftheCyrenaics,alesser-known followerofSocrateswhomaintainedthattheavoidanceoftroublewasthe highestattainablegood;however,hehadlivedhisuneventfullifeaccordingto thisprecept.Inallrespectsexceptone(aninabilitytopassupabargain,and whichofusisentirelyfreefromthat?),hewasaverymoderateman.Hedidnot gotoextremes.Hisspeechwasproperandreserved;herarelyoverate;hedrank enoughtobesociableandnomore;hewasfarfromrichandinnowisepoor.He likedpeopleandpeoplelikedhim.Bearingallthatinmind,Wouldyouexpectto findhiminalowlifepubontheseamiersideofLondon'sEastEnd,takingout whatiscolloquiallyknownasa'contract'onsomeonehehardlyknew?You wouldnot.Youwouldnotevenexpecttofindhiminthepub.

AnduntilacertainFridayafternoon,youwouldhavebeenright.Buttheloveofa womancandostrangethingstoaman,evenonesocolourlessasPeterPinter, andthediscoverythatMissGwendolynThorpe,twenty-threeyearsofage,of9, OaktreeTerrace,Purley,wasmessingabout(asthevulgarwouldputit)witha smoothyounggentlemanfromtheaccountingdepartment-after,markyou,she hadconsentedtowearanengagementring,composedofrealrubychips,nine- caratgold,andsomethingthatmightwellhavebeenadiamond(?37.50)thatit hadtakenPeteralmostanentirelunchhourtochoose-candoverystrange thingstoamanindeed.

Afterhehadmadethisshockingdiscovery,PeterspentasleeplessFridaynight, tossingandturningwithvisionsofGwendolynandArchieGibbons(theDonJuan oftheClamagesaccountingdepartment)dancingandswimmingbeforehiseyes- performingactsthatevenPeter,ifhewerepressed,wouldhavetoadmitwere mostimprobable.Butthebileofjealousyhadrisenupwithinhim,andbythe morningPeterhadresolvedthathisrivalshouldbedoneawaywith.

Saturdaymorningwasspentwonderinghowonecontactedanassassin,for,to thebestofPeter'sknowledge,nonewereemployedbyClamages(the departmentstorethatemployedallthreeofthemembersofoureternaltriangle, and,incidentally,furnishedthering),andhewaswaryofaskinganyoneoutright forfearofattractingattentiontohimself.

ThusitwasthatSaturdayafternoonfoundhimhuntingthroughtheYellow Pages.

ASSASSINS,hefound,wasnotbetweenASPHALTCONTRACTORSand ASSESSORS(QUANTITY);KILLERSwasnotbetweenKENNELSand KINDERGARTENS;MURDERERSwasnotbetweenMOWERSandMUSEUMS. PESTCONTROLlookedpromising;howevercloserinvestigationofthepest controladvertisementsshowedthemtobealmostsolelyconcernedwith'rats, mice,fleas,cockroaches,rabbits,molesandrats'(toquotefromonethatPeter feltwasratherhardonrats)andnotreallywhathehadinmind.Evenso,being

ofacarefulnature,hedutifullyinspectedtheentriesinthatcategory,andatthe bottomofthesecondpage,insmallprint,hefoundafirmthatlookedpromising.

Completediscreetdisposalofirksomeandunwantedmammals,etc.'wentthe entry,'Ketch,Hare,BurkeandKetch.TheOldFirm.'Itwentontogiveno address,butonlyatelephonenumber.

Peterdialledthenumber,surprisinghimselfbysodoing.Hisheartpoundedin hischest,andhetriedtolooknonchalant.Thetelephonerangonce,twice,three times.Peterwasjuststartingtohopethatitwouldnotbeansweredandhecould forgetthewholethingwhentherewasaclickandabriskyoungfemalevoice said,'KetchHareBurkeandKetch.CanIhelpyou?'

Carefullynotgivinghisname,Petersaid,'Er,howbig-Imean,whatsize mammalsdoyougoupto?To,uh,disposeof?'

'Well,thatwouldalldependonwhatsizesirrequires.'

Hepluckedupallhiscourage.'Aperson?'

Hervoiceremainedbriskandunruffled.Ofcourse,sir.Doyouhaveapenand paperhandy?Good.BeattheDirtyDonkeypub,offLittleCourtneyStreet,E3, tonightateighto'clock.Carryarolled-upcopyoftheFinancialTimes-that'sthe pinkone,sir-andouroperativewillapproachyouthere.'Thensheputdownthe phone.

Peterwaselated.Ithadbeenfareasierthanhehadimagined.Hewentdownto thenewsagent'sandboughtacopyoftheFinancialTimes,foundLittleCourtney StreetinhisA-ZofLondon,andspenttherestoftheafternoonwatchingfootball onthetelevisionandimaginingthesmoothyounggentlemanfromaccounting's funeral.

IttookPeterawhiletofindthepub.Eventuallyhespottedthepubsign,which showedadonkeyandwasindeedremarkablydirty.

TheDirtyDonkeywasasmallandmoreorlessfilthypub,poorlylit,inwhich knotsofunshavenpeoplewearingdustydonkeyjacketsstoodaroundeyeing eachothersuspiciously,eatingcrispsanddrinkingpintsofGuinness,adrinkthat Peterhadnevercaredfor.PeterheldhisFinancialTimesunderonearmas conspicuouslyashecould,butnooneapproachedhim,soheboughtahalfof shandyandretreatedtoacornertable.Unabletothinkofanythingelsetodo whilewaiting,hetriedtoreadthepaper,but,lostandconfusedbyamazeof grainfuturesandarubbercompanythatwassellingsomethingorothershort (quitewhattheshortsomethingswerehecouldnottell),hegaveitupand staredatthedoor.

Hehadwaitedalmosttenminuteswhenasmallbusymanhustledin,looked quicklyaroundhim,thencamestraightovertoPeter'stableandsatdown.

Hestuckouthishand.'Kemble.BurtonKembleofKetchHareBurkeKetch.Ihear youhaveajobforus.'

Hedidn'tlooklikeakiller.Petersaidso.

'Oh,lor'blessus,no.I'mnotactuallyapartofourworkforce,sir.I'minsales.'

Peternodded.Thatcertainlymadesense.'Canwe-er-talkfreelyhere?'

'Sure.Nobody'sinterested.Nowthen,howmanypeoplewouldyoulikedisposed of?'

'Onlyone.Hisname'sArchibaldGibbonsandheworksinClamagesaccounting department.Hisaddressis...'

Kembleinterrupted.'Wecangointoallthatlater,sir,ifyoudon'tmind.Let'sjust quicklygooverthefinancialside.Firstofall,thecontractwillcostyoufive hundredpounds...'

Peternodded.Hecouldaffordthatandinfacthadexpectedtohavetopayalittle more.

'...althoughthere'salwaysthespecialoffer,'Kembleconcludedsmoothly.

Peter'seyesshone.AsImentionedearlier,helovedabargainandoftenbought thingshehadnoimaginableuseforinsalesoronspecialoffers.Apartfromthis onefailing(onethatsomanyofusshare),hewasamostmoderateyoungman. 'Specialoffer?'

'Twoforthepriceofone,sir.'

Mmm.Peterthoughtaboutit.Thatworkedoutatonly?250each,whichcouldn't bebadnomatterhowyoulookedatit.Therewasonlyonesnag.'I'mafraidI don'thaveanyoneelseIwantkilled.'

Kemblelookeddisappointed.'That'sapity,sir.Fortwowecouldprobablyhave evenknockedthepricedownto,well,sayfourhundredandfiftypoundsforthe bothofthem.'

'Really?'

'Well,itgivesouroperativessomethingtodo,sir.Ifyoumustknow'-andhere hedroppedhisvoice-'therereallyisn'tenoughworkinthisparticularlineto keepthemoccupied.Notliketheolddays.Isn'ttherejustoneotherpersonyou'd liketoseedead?'

Peterpondered.Hehatedtopassupabargain,butcouldn'tforthelifeofhim thinkofanyoneelse.Helikedpeople.Still,abargainwasabargain...

'Look,'saidPeter.'CouldIthinkaboutitandseeyouheretomorrownight?'

Thesalesmanlookedpleased.'Ofcourse,sir,'hesaid.'I'msureyou'llbeableto thinkofsomeone.'

Theanswer-theobviousanswer-cametoPeterashewasdriftingofftosleep thatnight.Hesatstraightupinbed,fumbledthebedsidelighton,andwrotea namedownonthebackofanenvelope,incaseheforgotit.Totellthetruth,he

didn'tthinkthathecouldforgetit,foritwaspainfullyobvious,butyoucannever tellwiththeselate-nightthoughts.

Thenamethathehadwrittendownonthebackoftheenvelopewasthis: GwendolynThorpe.

Heturnedthelightoff,rolledover,andwassoonasleep,dreamingpeacefuland remarkablyunmurderousdreams.

KemblewaswaitingforhimwhenhearrivedintheDirtyDonkeyonSunday night.Peterboughtadrinkandsatdownbesidehim.

'I'mtakingyouuponthespecialoffer,'hesaidbywayofgreeting.

Kemblenoddedvigorously.'Averywisedecision,ifyoudon'tmindmesayingso, sir.'

PeterPintersmiledmodestly,inthemannerofonewhoreadtheFinancialTimes andmadewisebusinessdecisions.'Thatwillbefourhundredandfiftypounds,I believe?'

'DidIsayfourhundredandfiftypounds,sir?Goodgraciousme,Idoapologize.I begyourpardon,Iwasthinkingofourbulkrate.Itwouldbefourhundredand seventy-fivefortwopeople.'

DisappointmentmingledwithcupidityonPeter'sblandandyouthfulface.That wasanextra?25.However,somethingthatKemblehadsaidcaughthis attention.

'Bulkrate?'

'Ofcourse,butIdoubtthatsirwouldbeinterestedinthat.'

'No,no,Iam.Tellmeaboutit.'

'Verywell,sir.Bulkrate,fourhundredandfiftypounds,wouldbeforalargejob. Tenpeople.'

Peterwonderedifhehadheardcorrectly.'Tenpeople?Butthat'sonlyforty-five poundseach.'

'Yes,sir.It'sthelargeorderthatmakesitprofitable.'

'Isee,'saidPeter,and'Hmm,'saidPeter,and'Couldyoubehereatthesametime tomorrownight?'

'Ofcourse,sir.'

Uponarrivinghome,Petergotoutascrapofpaperandapen.Hewrotethe numbersonetotendownonesideandthenfilleditinasfollows:

1....Archie.

2.....Gwennie.

3.....

andsoforth.

Havingfilledinthefirsttwo,hesatsuckinghispen,huntingforwrongsdoneto himandpeopletheworldwouldbebetteroffwithout.

Hesmokedacigarette.Hestrolledaroundtheroom.

Aha!Therewasaphysicsteacherataschoolhehadattendedwhohaddelighted inmakinghislifeamisery.Whatwastheman'snameagain?Andforthatmatter, washestillalive?Peterwasn'tsure,buthewroteThePhysicsTeacher,Abbot StreetSecondarySchoolnexttothenumberthree.Thenextcamemoreeasily- hisdepartmentheadhadrefusedtoraisehissalaryacoupleofmonthsback;that theraisehadeventuallycomewasimmaterial.MrHuntersonwasnumberfour.

Whenhewasfive,aboynamedSimonEllishadpouredpaintonhisheadwhile anotherboynameJamessomebody-or-otherhadheldhimdownandagirl namedSharonHarsharpehadlaughed.Theywerenumbersfivethroughseven, respectively.

Whoelse?

Therewasthemanontelevisionwiththeannoyingsnickerwhoreadthenews. Hewentonthelist.Andwhataboutthewomanintheflatnextdoorwiththe littleyappydogthatshatinthehall?Heputherandthedogdownonnine.Ten wasthehardest.Hescratchedhisheadandwentintothekitchenforacupof coffee,thendashedbackandwroteMyGreat-UncleMervyndowninthetenth place.Theoldmanwasrumouredtobequiteaffluent,andtherewasapossibility (albeitratherslim)thathecouldleavePetersomemoney.

Withthesatisfactionofanevening'sworkwelldone,hewentofftobed.

MondayatClamageswasroutine;Peterwasaseniorsalesassistantinthebooks department,ajobthatactuallyentailedverylittle.Heclutchedhislisttightlyin hishand,deepinhispocket,rejoicinginthefeelingofpowerthatitgavehim.He spentamostenjoyablelunchhourinthecanteenwithyoungGwendolyn(who didnotknowthathehadseenherandArchieenterthestockroomtogether)and evensmiledatthesmoothyoungmanfromtheaccountingdepartmentwhenhe passedhiminthecorridor.

HeproudlydisplayedhislisttoKemblethatevening.

Thelittlesalesman'sfacefell.

'I'mafraidthisisn'ttenpeople,MrPinter,'heexplained.'You'vecountedthe womaninthenext-doorflatandherdogasoneperson.Thatbringsittoeleven, whichwouldbeanextra'-hispocketcalculatorwasrapidlydeployed-'anextra seventypounds.Howaboutifweforgetthedog?'

Petershookhishead.'Thedog'sasbadasthewoman.Orworse.'

'ThenI'mafraidwehaveaslightproblem.Unless...'

'What?'

'Unlessyou'dliketotakeadvantageofourwholesalerate.Butofcoursesir wouldn'tbe...'

Therearewordsthatdothingstopeople;wordsthatmakepeople'sfacesflush withjoy,excitement,orpassion.Environmentalcanbeone;occultisanother. WholesalewasPeter's.Heleanedbackinhischair.'Tellmeaboutit,'hesaidwith thepractisedassuranceofanexperiencedshopper.

'Well,sir,'saidKemble,allowinghimselfalittlechuckle,'wecan,uh,getthemfor youwholesale,seventeenpoundsfiftyeach,foreveryquarryafterthefirstfifty, oratennereachforeveryoneovertwohundred.'

'Isupposeyou'dgodowntoafiverifIwantedathousandpeopleknockedoff?'

'Ohno,sir,'Kemblelookedshocked.'Ifyou'retalkingthosesortsoffigures,we candothemforaquideach.'

'Onepound?'

'That'sright,sir.There'snotabigprofitmarginonit,butthehighturnoverand productivitymorethanjustifiesit.'

Kemblegotup.'Sametimetomorrow,sir?'

Peternodded.

Onethousandpounds.Onethousandpeople.PeterPinterdidn'tevenknowa thousandpeople.Evenso...thereweretheHousesofParliament.Hedidn'tlike politicians;theysquabbledandarguedandcarriedonso.

Andforthatmatter...

Anidea,shockinginitsaudacity.Bold.Daring.Still,theideawasthereandit wouldn'tgoaway.Adistantcousinofhishadmarriedtheyoungerbrotherofan earlorabaronorsomething...

Onthewayhomefromworkthatafternoon,hestoppedoffatalittleshopthathe hadpassedathousandtimeswithoutentering.Ithadalargesigninthewindow- guaranteeingtotraceyourlineageforyouandevendrawupacoatofarmsifyou happenedtohavemislaidyourown-andanimpressiveheraldicmap.Maybe nowthatthedarknesshadliftedfromhermindallshewantedwastobewith herfamilyagain.

Theywereveryhelpfulandphonedhimupjustafterseventogivehimtheir news.

Ifapproximatelyfourteenmillion,seventy-twothousand,eighthundredand elevenpeopledied,he,PeterPinter,wouldbeKingofEngland.

Hedidn'thavefourteenmillion,seventy-twothousand,eighthundredandeleven pounds:buthesuspectedthatwhenyouweretalkinginthosefigures,Mr Kemblewouldhaveoneofhisspecialdiscounts.

MrKembledid.

Hedidn'tevenraiseaneyebrow.

'Actually,'heexplained,'itworksoutquitecheaply;yousee,wewouldn'thaveto dothemallindividually.Small-scalenuclearweapons,somejudiciousbombing, gassing,plague,droppingradiosinswimmingpools,andthenmoppingupthe stragglers.Sayfourthousandpounds.'

'Fourthou-?'That'sincredible!'

Thesalesmanlookedpleasedwithhimself.'Ouroperativeswillbegladofthe work,sir.'Hegrinned.'Weprideourselvesonservicingourwholesale customers.'

ThewindblewcoldasPeterleftthepub,settingtheoldsignswinging.Itdidn't lookmuchlikeadirtydonkey,thoughtPeter.Morelikeapalehorse.

Peterwasdriftingofftosleepthatnight,mentallyrehearsinghiscoronation speech,whenathoughtdriftedintohisheadandhungaround.Itwouldnotgo away.Couldhe-couldhepossiblybepassingupanevenlargersavingthanhe alreadyhad?Couldhebemissingoutonabargain?

Peterclimbedoutofbedandwalkedovertothephone.Itwasalmost3A.M.,but evenso...

HisYellowPageslayopenwherehehadleftitthepreviousSaturday,andhe dialledthenumber.

Thephoneseemedtoringforever.Therewasaclickandaboredvoicesaid, 'BurkeHareKetch.CanIhelpyou?'

'IhopeI'mnotphoningtoolate...'hebegan.

'Ofcoursenot,sir.'

'IwaswonderingifIcouldspeaktoMrKemble.'

'Canyouhold?I'llseeifhe'savailable.'

Peterwaitedforacoupleofminutes,listeningtotheghostlycracklesand whispersthatalwaysechodownemptyphonelines.

'Areyouthere,caller?'

'Yes,I'mhere.'

'Puttingyouthrough.'Therewasabuzz,then'Kemblespeaking.'

'Ah,MrKemble.Hello.SorryifIgotyououtofbedoranything.Thisis,um,Peter Pinter.'

'Yes,MrPinter?'

'Well,I'msorryit'ssolate,onlyIwaswondering...Howmuchwoulditcosttokill everybody?Everybodyintheworld?'

'Everybody?Allthepeople?'

'Yes.Howmuch?Imean,foranorderlikethat,you'dhavetohavesomekindofa bigdiscount.Howmuchwoulditbe?Foreveryone?'

'Nothingatall,MrPinter.'

'Youmeanyouwouldn'tdoit?'

'Imeanwe'ddoitfornothing,MrPinter.Weonlyhavetobeasked,yousee.We alwayshavetobeasked.'

Peterwaspuzzled.'But-whenwouldyoustart?'

'Start?Rightaway.Now.We'vebeenreadyforalongtime.Butwehadtobe asked,MrPinter.Goodnight.Ithasbeenapleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.'

Thelinewentdead.

Peterfeltstrange.Everythingseemedverydistant.Hewantedtositdown.What onearthhadthemanmeant?'Wealwayshavetobeasked.'Itwasdefinitely strange.Nobodydoesanythingfornothinginthisworld;hehadagoodmindto phoneKemblebackandcallthewholethingoff.Perhapshehadoverreacted, perhapstherewasaperfectlyinnocentreasonwhyArchieandGwendolynhad enteredthestockroomtogether.Hewouldtalktoher,that'swhathe'ddo.He'd talktoGwenniefirstthingtomorrowmorning...

Thatwaswhenthenoisesstarted.

Oddcriesfromacrossthestreet.Acatfight?Foxesprobably.Hehopedsomeone wouldthrowashoeatthem.Then,fromthecorridoroutsidehisflat,hehearda muffledclumping,asifsomeoneweredraggingsomethingveryheavyalongthe floor.Itstopped.Someoneknockedonhisdoor,twice,verysoftly.

Outsidehiswindowthecriesweregettinglouder.Petersatinhischair,knowing thatsomehow,somewhere,hehadmissedsomething.Somethingimportant.The knockingredoubled.Hewasthankfulthathealwayslockedandchainedhisdoor atnight.

They'dbeenreadyforalongtime,buttheyhadtobeasked...

Whenthethingcamethroughthedoor,Peterstartedscreaming,buthereally didn'tscreamforverylong.

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