“We Can Get Them For You Wholesale”
[Pages:9]"WeCanGetThemForYouWholesale"
byNeilGaiman
PeterPinterhadneverheardofAristippusoftheCyrenaics,alesser-known followerofSocrateswhomaintainedthattheavoidanceoftroublewasthe highestattainablegood;however,hehadlivedhisuneventfullifeaccordingto thisprecept.Inallrespectsexceptone(aninabilitytopassupabargain,and whichofusisentirelyfreefromthat?),hewasaverymoderateman.Hedidnot gotoextremes.Hisspeechwasproperandreserved;herarelyoverate;hedrank enoughtobesociableandnomore;hewasfarfromrichandinnowisepoor.He likedpeopleandpeoplelikedhim.Bearingallthatinmind,Wouldyouexpectto findhiminalowlifepubontheseamiersideofLondon'sEastEnd,takingout whatiscolloquiallyknownasa'contract'onsomeonehehardlyknew?You wouldnot.Youwouldnotevenexpecttofindhiminthepub.
AnduntilacertainFridayafternoon,youwouldhavebeenright.Buttheloveofa womancandostrangethingstoaman,evenonesocolourlessasPeterPinter, andthediscoverythatMissGwendolynThorpe,twenty-threeyearsofage,of9, OaktreeTerrace,Purley,wasmessingabout(asthevulgarwouldputit)witha smoothyounggentlemanfromtheaccountingdepartment-after,markyou,she hadconsentedtowearanengagementring,composedofrealrubychips,nine- caratgold,andsomethingthatmightwellhavebeenadiamond(?37.50)thatit hadtakenPeteralmostanentirelunchhourtochoose-candoverystrange thingstoamanindeed.
Afterhehadmadethisshockingdiscovery,PeterspentasleeplessFridaynight, tossingandturningwithvisionsofGwendolynandArchieGibbons(theDonJuan oftheClamagesaccountingdepartment)dancingandswimmingbeforehiseyes- performingactsthatevenPeter,ifhewerepressed,wouldhavetoadmitwere mostimprobable.Butthebileofjealousyhadrisenupwithinhim,andbythe morningPeterhadresolvedthathisrivalshouldbedoneawaywith.
Saturdaymorningwasspentwonderinghowonecontactedanassassin,for,to thebestofPeter'sknowledge,nonewereemployedbyClamages(the departmentstorethatemployedallthreeofthemembersofoureternaltriangle, and,incidentally,furnishedthering),andhewaswaryofaskinganyoneoutright forfearofattractingattentiontohimself.
ThusitwasthatSaturdayafternoonfoundhimhuntingthroughtheYellow Pages.
ASSASSINS,hefound,wasnotbetweenASPHALTCONTRACTORSand ASSESSORS(QUANTITY);KILLERSwasnotbetweenKENNELSand KINDERGARTENS;MURDERERSwasnotbetweenMOWERSandMUSEUMS. PESTCONTROLlookedpromising;howevercloserinvestigationofthepest controladvertisementsshowedthemtobealmostsolelyconcernedwith'rats, mice,fleas,cockroaches,rabbits,molesandrats'(toquotefromonethatPeter feltwasratherhardonrats)andnotreallywhathehadinmind.Evenso,being
ofacarefulnature,hedutifullyinspectedtheentriesinthatcategory,andatthe bottomofthesecondpage,insmallprint,hefoundafirmthatlookedpromising.
Completediscreetdisposalofirksomeandunwantedmammals,etc.'wentthe entry,'Ketch,Hare,BurkeandKetch.TheOldFirm.'Itwentontogiveno address,butonlyatelephonenumber.
Peterdialledthenumber,surprisinghimselfbysodoing.Hisheartpoundedin hischest,andhetriedtolooknonchalant.Thetelephonerangonce,twice,three times.Peterwasjuststartingtohopethatitwouldnotbeansweredandhecould forgetthewholethingwhentherewasaclickandabriskyoungfemalevoice said,'KetchHareBurkeandKetch.CanIhelpyou?'
Carefullynotgivinghisname,Petersaid,'Er,howbig-Imean,whatsize mammalsdoyougoupto?To,uh,disposeof?'
'Well,thatwouldalldependonwhatsizesirrequires.'
Hepluckedupallhiscourage.'Aperson?'
Hervoiceremainedbriskandunruffled.Ofcourse,sir.Doyouhaveapenand paperhandy?Good.BeattheDirtyDonkeypub,offLittleCourtneyStreet,E3, tonightateighto'clock.Carryarolled-upcopyoftheFinancialTimes-that'sthe pinkone,sir-andouroperativewillapproachyouthere.'Thensheputdownthe phone.
Peterwaselated.Ithadbeenfareasierthanhehadimagined.Hewentdownto thenewsagent'sandboughtacopyoftheFinancialTimes,foundLittleCourtney StreetinhisA-ZofLondon,andspenttherestoftheafternoonwatchingfootball onthetelevisionandimaginingthesmoothyounggentlemanfromaccounting's funeral.
IttookPeterawhiletofindthepub.Eventuallyhespottedthepubsign,which showedadonkeyandwasindeedremarkablydirty.
TheDirtyDonkeywasasmallandmoreorlessfilthypub,poorlylit,inwhich knotsofunshavenpeoplewearingdustydonkeyjacketsstoodaroundeyeing eachothersuspiciously,eatingcrispsanddrinkingpintsofGuinness,adrinkthat Peterhadnevercaredfor.PeterheldhisFinancialTimesunderonearmas conspicuouslyashecould,butnooneapproachedhim,soheboughtahalfof shandyandretreatedtoacornertable.Unabletothinkofanythingelsetodo whilewaiting,hetriedtoreadthepaper,but,lostandconfusedbyamazeof grainfuturesandarubbercompanythatwassellingsomethingorothershort (quitewhattheshortsomethingswerehecouldnottell),hegaveitupand staredatthedoor.
Hehadwaitedalmosttenminuteswhenasmallbusymanhustledin,looked quicklyaroundhim,thencamestraightovertoPeter'stableandsatdown.
Hestuckouthishand.'Kemble.BurtonKembleofKetchHareBurkeKetch.Ihear youhaveajobforus.'
Hedidn'tlooklikeakiller.Petersaidso.
'Oh,lor'blessus,no.I'mnotactuallyapartofourworkforce,sir.I'minsales.'
Peternodded.Thatcertainlymadesense.'Canwe-er-talkfreelyhere?'
'Sure.Nobody'sinterested.Nowthen,howmanypeoplewouldyoulikedisposed of?'
'Onlyone.Hisname'sArchibaldGibbonsandheworksinClamagesaccounting department.Hisaddressis...'
Kembleinterrupted.'Wecangointoallthatlater,sir,ifyoudon'tmind.Let'sjust quicklygooverthefinancialside.Firstofall,thecontractwillcostyoufive hundredpounds...'
Peternodded.Hecouldaffordthatandinfacthadexpectedtohavetopayalittle more.
'...althoughthere'salwaysthespecialoffer,'Kembleconcludedsmoothly.
Peter'seyesshone.AsImentionedearlier,helovedabargainandoftenbought thingshehadnoimaginableuseforinsalesoronspecialoffers.Apartfromthis onefailing(onethatsomanyofusshare),hewasamostmoderateyoungman. 'Specialoffer?'
'Twoforthepriceofone,sir.'
Mmm.Peterthoughtaboutit.Thatworkedoutatonly?250each,whichcouldn't bebadnomatterhowyoulookedatit.Therewasonlyonesnag.'I'mafraidI don'thaveanyoneelseIwantkilled.'
Kemblelookeddisappointed.'That'sapity,sir.Fortwowecouldprobablyhave evenknockedthepricedownto,well,sayfourhundredandfiftypoundsforthe bothofthem.'
'Really?'
'Well,itgivesouroperativessomethingtodo,sir.Ifyoumustknow'-andhere hedroppedhisvoice-'therereallyisn'tenoughworkinthisparticularlineto keepthemoccupied.Notliketheolddays.Isn'ttherejustoneotherpersonyou'd liketoseedead?'
Peterpondered.Hehatedtopassupabargain,butcouldn'tforthelifeofhim thinkofanyoneelse.Helikedpeople.Still,abargainwasabargain...
'Look,'saidPeter.'CouldIthinkaboutitandseeyouheretomorrownight?'
Thesalesmanlookedpleased.'Ofcourse,sir,'hesaid.'I'msureyou'llbeableto thinkofsomeone.'
Theanswer-theobviousanswer-cametoPeterashewasdriftingofftosleep thatnight.Hesatstraightupinbed,fumbledthebedsidelighton,andwrotea namedownonthebackofanenvelope,incaseheforgotit.Totellthetruth,he
didn'tthinkthathecouldforgetit,foritwaspainfullyobvious,butyoucannever tellwiththeselate-nightthoughts.
Thenamethathehadwrittendownonthebackoftheenvelopewasthis: GwendolynThorpe.
Heturnedthelightoff,rolledover,andwassoonasleep,dreamingpeacefuland remarkablyunmurderousdreams.
KemblewaswaitingforhimwhenhearrivedintheDirtyDonkeyonSunday night.Peterboughtadrinkandsatdownbesidehim.
'I'mtakingyouuponthespecialoffer,'hesaidbywayofgreeting.
Kemblenoddedvigorously.'Averywisedecision,ifyoudon'tmindmesayingso, sir.'
PeterPintersmiledmodestly,inthemannerofonewhoreadtheFinancialTimes andmadewisebusinessdecisions.'Thatwillbefourhundredandfiftypounds,I believe?'
'DidIsayfourhundredandfiftypounds,sir?Goodgraciousme,Idoapologize.I begyourpardon,Iwasthinkingofourbulkrate.Itwouldbefourhundredand seventy-fivefortwopeople.'
DisappointmentmingledwithcupidityonPeter'sblandandyouthfulface.That wasanextra?25.However,somethingthatKemblehadsaidcaughthis attention.
'Bulkrate?'
'Ofcourse,butIdoubtthatsirwouldbeinterestedinthat.'
'No,no,Iam.Tellmeaboutit.'
'Verywell,sir.Bulkrate,fourhundredandfiftypounds,wouldbeforalargejob. Tenpeople.'
Peterwonderedifhehadheardcorrectly.'Tenpeople?Butthat'sonlyforty-five poundseach.'
'Yes,sir.It'sthelargeorderthatmakesitprofitable.'
'Isee,'saidPeter,and'Hmm,'saidPeter,and'Couldyoubehereatthesametime tomorrownight?'
'Ofcourse,sir.'
Uponarrivinghome,Petergotoutascrapofpaperandapen.Hewrotethe numbersonetotendownonesideandthenfilleditinasfollows:
1....Archie.
2.....Gwennie.
3.....
andsoforth.
Havingfilledinthefirsttwo,hesatsuckinghispen,huntingforwrongsdoneto himandpeopletheworldwouldbebetteroffwithout.
Hesmokedacigarette.Hestrolledaroundtheroom.
Aha!Therewasaphysicsteacherataschoolhehadattendedwhohaddelighted inmakinghislifeamisery.Whatwastheman'snameagain?Andforthatmatter, washestillalive?Peterwasn'tsure,buthewroteThePhysicsTeacher,Abbot StreetSecondarySchoolnexttothenumberthree.Thenextcamemoreeasily- hisdepartmentheadhadrefusedtoraisehissalaryacoupleofmonthsback;that theraisehadeventuallycomewasimmaterial.MrHuntersonwasnumberfour.
Whenhewasfive,aboynamedSimonEllishadpouredpaintonhisheadwhile anotherboynameJamessomebody-or-otherhadheldhimdownandagirl namedSharonHarsharpehadlaughed.Theywerenumbersfivethroughseven, respectively.
Whoelse?
Therewasthemanontelevisionwiththeannoyingsnickerwhoreadthenews. Hewentonthelist.Andwhataboutthewomanintheflatnextdoorwiththe littleyappydogthatshatinthehall?Heputherandthedogdownonnine.Ten wasthehardest.Hescratchedhisheadandwentintothekitchenforacupof coffee,thendashedbackandwroteMyGreat-UncleMervyndowninthetenth place.Theoldmanwasrumouredtobequiteaffluent,andtherewasapossibility (albeitratherslim)thathecouldleavePetersomemoney.
Withthesatisfactionofanevening'sworkwelldone,hewentofftobed.
MondayatClamageswasroutine;Peterwasaseniorsalesassistantinthebooks department,ajobthatactuallyentailedverylittle.Heclutchedhislisttightlyin hishand,deepinhispocket,rejoicinginthefeelingofpowerthatitgavehim.He spentamostenjoyablelunchhourinthecanteenwithyoungGwendolyn(who didnotknowthathehadseenherandArchieenterthestockroomtogether)and evensmiledatthesmoothyoungmanfromtheaccountingdepartmentwhenhe passedhiminthecorridor.
HeproudlydisplayedhislisttoKemblethatevening.
Thelittlesalesman'sfacefell.
'I'mafraidthisisn'ttenpeople,MrPinter,'heexplained.'You'vecountedthe womaninthenext-doorflatandherdogasoneperson.Thatbringsittoeleven, whichwouldbeanextra'-hispocketcalculatorwasrapidlydeployed-'anextra seventypounds.Howaboutifweforgetthedog?'
Petershookhishead.'Thedog'sasbadasthewoman.Orworse.'
'ThenI'mafraidwehaveaslightproblem.Unless...'
'What?'
'Unlessyou'dliketotakeadvantageofourwholesalerate.Butofcoursesir wouldn'tbe...'
Therearewordsthatdothingstopeople;wordsthatmakepeople'sfacesflush withjoy,excitement,orpassion.Environmentalcanbeone;occultisanother. WholesalewasPeter's.Heleanedbackinhischair.'Tellmeaboutit,'hesaidwith thepractisedassuranceofanexperiencedshopper.
'Well,sir,'saidKemble,allowinghimselfalittlechuckle,'wecan,uh,getthemfor youwholesale,seventeenpoundsfiftyeach,foreveryquarryafterthefirstfifty, oratennereachforeveryoneovertwohundred.'
'Isupposeyou'dgodowntoafiverifIwantedathousandpeopleknockedoff?'
'Ohno,sir,'Kemblelookedshocked.'Ifyou'retalkingthosesortsoffigures,we candothemforaquideach.'
'Onepound?'
'That'sright,sir.There'snotabigprofitmarginonit,butthehighturnoverand productivitymorethanjustifiesit.'
Kemblegotup.'Sametimetomorrow,sir?'
Peternodded.
Onethousandpounds.Onethousandpeople.PeterPinterdidn'tevenknowa thousandpeople.Evenso...thereweretheHousesofParliament.Hedidn'tlike politicians;theysquabbledandarguedandcarriedonso.
Andforthatmatter...
Anidea,shockinginitsaudacity.Bold.Daring.Still,theideawasthereandit wouldn'tgoaway.Adistantcousinofhishadmarriedtheyoungerbrotherofan earlorabaronorsomething...
Onthewayhomefromworkthatafternoon,hestoppedoffatalittleshopthathe hadpassedathousandtimeswithoutentering.Ithadalargesigninthewindow- guaranteeingtotraceyourlineageforyouandevendrawupacoatofarmsifyou happenedtohavemislaidyourown-andanimpressiveheraldicmap.Maybe nowthatthedarknesshadliftedfromhermindallshewantedwastobewith herfamilyagain.
Theywereveryhelpfulandphonedhimupjustafterseventogivehimtheir news.
Ifapproximatelyfourteenmillion,seventy-twothousand,eighthundredand elevenpeopledied,he,PeterPinter,wouldbeKingofEngland.
Hedidn'thavefourteenmillion,seventy-twothousand,eighthundredandeleven pounds:buthesuspectedthatwhenyouweretalkinginthosefigures,Mr Kemblewouldhaveoneofhisspecialdiscounts.
MrKembledid.
Hedidn'tevenraiseaneyebrow.
'Actually,'heexplained,'itworksoutquitecheaply;yousee,wewouldn'thaveto dothemallindividually.Small-scalenuclearweapons,somejudiciousbombing, gassing,plague,droppingradiosinswimmingpools,andthenmoppingupthe stragglers.Sayfourthousandpounds.'
'Fourthou-?'That'sincredible!'
Thesalesmanlookedpleasedwithhimself.'Ouroperativeswillbegladofthe work,sir.'Hegrinned.'Weprideourselvesonservicingourwholesale customers.'
ThewindblewcoldasPeterleftthepub,settingtheoldsignswinging.Itdidn't lookmuchlikeadirtydonkey,thoughtPeter.Morelikeapalehorse.
Peterwasdriftingofftosleepthatnight,mentallyrehearsinghiscoronation speech,whenathoughtdriftedintohisheadandhungaround.Itwouldnotgo away.Couldhe-couldhepossiblybepassingupanevenlargersavingthanhe alreadyhad?Couldhebemissingoutonabargain?
Peterclimbedoutofbedandwalkedovertothephone.Itwasalmost3A.M.,but evenso...
HisYellowPageslayopenwherehehadleftitthepreviousSaturday,andhe dialledthenumber.
Thephoneseemedtoringforever.Therewasaclickandaboredvoicesaid, 'BurkeHareKetch.CanIhelpyou?'
'IhopeI'mnotphoningtoolate...'hebegan.
'Ofcoursenot,sir.'
'IwaswonderingifIcouldspeaktoMrKemble.'
'Canyouhold?I'llseeifhe'savailable.'
Peterwaitedforacoupleofminutes,listeningtotheghostlycracklesand whispersthatalwaysechodownemptyphonelines.
'Areyouthere,caller?'
'Yes,I'mhere.'
'Puttingyouthrough.'Therewasabuzz,then'Kemblespeaking.'
'Ah,MrKemble.Hello.SorryifIgotyououtofbedoranything.Thisis,um,Peter Pinter.'
'Yes,MrPinter?'
'Well,I'msorryit'ssolate,onlyIwaswondering...Howmuchwoulditcosttokill everybody?Everybodyintheworld?'
'Everybody?Allthepeople?'
'Yes.Howmuch?Imean,foranorderlikethat,you'dhavetohavesomekindofa bigdiscount.Howmuchwoulditbe?Foreveryone?'
'Nothingatall,MrPinter.'
'Youmeanyouwouldn'tdoit?'
'Imeanwe'ddoitfornothing,MrPinter.Weonlyhavetobeasked,yousee.We alwayshavetobeasked.'
Peterwaspuzzled.'But-whenwouldyoustart?'
'Start?Rightaway.Now.We'vebeenreadyforalongtime.Butwehadtobe asked,MrPinter.Goodnight.Ithasbeenapleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.'
Thelinewentdead.
Peterfeltstrange.Everythingseemedverydistant.Hewantedtositdown.What onearthhadthemanmeant?'Wealwayshavetobeasked.'Itwasdefinitely strange.Nobodydoesanythingfornothinginthisworld;hehadagoodmindto phoneKemblebackandcallthewholethingoff.Perhapshehadoverreacted, perhapstherewasaperfectlyinnocentreasonwhyArchieandGwendolynhad enteredthestockroomtogether.Hewouldtalktoher,that'swhathe'ddo.He'd talktoGwenniefirstthingtomorrowmorning...
Thatwaswhenthenoisesstarted.
Oddcriesfromacrossthestreet.Acatfight?Foxesprobably.Hehopedsomeone wouldthrowashoeatthem.Then,fromthecorridoroutsidehisflat,hehearda muffledclumping,asifsomeoneweredraggingsomethingveryheavyalongthe floor.Itstopped.Someoneknockedonhisdoor,twice,verysoftly.
Outsidehiswindowthecriesweregettinglouder.Petersatinhischair,knowing thatsomehow,somewhere,hehadmissedsomething.Somethingimportant.The knockingredoubled.Hewasthankfulthathealwayslockedandchainedhisdoor atnight.
They'dbeenreadyforalongtime,buttheyhadtobeasked...
Whenthethingcamethroughthedoor,Peterstartedscreaming,buthereally didn'tscreamforverylong.
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