Are You Been Served - SimplyScripts
GEORGE sits alone in the living/dining room, reading a newspaper, legs crossed. The living room contains a coffee table with figurine on it, drinks cabinet, dinner table/cutlery, curtains, fireplace, mahogany cabinet with pictures, carpet, paintings, mirror and coat stand. AOIFE enters (after fifth teen seconds)
AOIFE: Can you zip me up please darling?
(Haven’t been able to do that for twenty years) – GEORGE
GEORGE: (Stands up and puts paper down) Of course dear, of course, and may I be so bold as to say how delightful you’re looking this evening, my dear.
(Not that bloody florescent yellow dress again, I should have burnt it years ago) -GEORGE
AOIFE: You may…George; it never surprises me what good taste I
have.
GEORGE: No dear…nor me.
(GEORGE zips up dress and sits back down, picks up paper)
AOIFE: Thank you dear, such rough hands you seem to have developed from somewhere…it’s definitely not from hard work.
GEORGE: Really dear?
AOIFE: Do you want to use one of my hand creams?
GEORGE: I’m quite all-right thank you.
AOIFE: Ooh remember the time you bought me this dress in Venice on our fifteenth wedding anniversary.
(It was either that or no sex) -GEORGE
GEORGE: Yes dear fondly.
AOIFE: Ooohh it was such a wonderful holiday, such a long time ago really, very reasonably priced, as I seem to remember.
(Cost me a damn fortune is what I seem to remember) -GEORGE
(AOIFE starts playing with her jewellery, walks towards mirror)
AOIFE: (Tossing hair) How does my hair look darling? Monsieur Bellaire at the salon set it for me today, only cost three hundred euros.
(Three hundred euros!) –GEORGE
GEORGE: (Ruffling paper) Yes very nice dear, suits you perfectly, a bargain…
AOIFE: You’re not even looking.
GEORGE: No dear.
AOIFE: Well…I deserve it…I was considering getting a body wax as well, but I was in SUCH a rush…AND I had to go to the boutique.
(A moustache wax would have helped) -GEORGE
GEORGE: Whatever you like dear, whatever you like.
(AOIFE walks over to GEORGE)
AOIFE: (Looking down at paper) Anything interesting in the paper today?
GEORGE: Nothing really dear.
AOIFE: Nothing about our dinner party in the gossip columns.
GEORGE: We’re not that important.
AOIFE: Don’t put yourself down GEORGE, one should always hope.
Silence.
AOIFE: I do so want to make a good impression this evening, especially with Ethan coming.
GEORGE: You will dear, you will, I’ve full confidence in you; you’re a natural when it comes to parties.
AOIFE: (Playing with jewellery) I am aren’t I?…I’m really looking forward to tonight, being the host and chief entertainer as it were…it’s been a while since we’ve had guests round.
(Not bloody surprising, after your shenanigans the last time) –GEORGE
AOIFE: I haven’t seen Tara and Ryan properly for ages, and I want to show her MY new kitchen.
GEORGE: You must dear.
AOIFE: (Playing with hair) You don’t think I’ve gone a bit too overboard tonight do you?…overdone it a little.
GEORGE: No no dear, you look marvellous, as you always do (Doesn’t look up).
AOIFE: I really don’t know whether to believe you or not, you’re no help, no help at all.
(My bank balance is though) -GEORGE
GEORGE: Yes dear.
(AOIFE walks towards coffee table picks up figurine looks at it admiringly, puts it down, and heads towards dinner table and starts re-arranging cutlery)
AOIFE: I do put on a lovely spread if I say so myself.
(I can’t remember the last time I saw YOUR spread) -GEORGE
AOIFE: Are you daydreaming again over there George?
GEORGE: You do dear, you do, divine spread.
AOIFE: (Looking at watch) Those bloody caterers should be here by now. I wonder where they are? I left explicit instructions with them, several times.
GEORGE: I bet you did.
AOIFE: What was that?
GEORGE: I’m sure you did.
AOIFE: (Anxious) On the phone now to them George with haste, give them a call, tell them I’m waiting.
GEORGE: Don’t panic dear, don’t panic, I’m sure they’ll be here shortly.
AOIFE: If they think they have the audacity to arrive after MY guests have come, there will be serious trouble…I am warning you.
GEORGE: Yes dear (Looks up)…by the way what have you organised for this evenings delight.
AOIFE: Wait till the guests come, I’ll explain then, no point in repeating myself now is there?
GEORGE: No dear, none what so ever.
Silence.
AOIFE: When is Ethan coming?
GEORGE: Around 8.15 he said.
AOIFE: And Tara and Ryan?
GEORGE: 8.00.
AOIFE: Good, good (Goes back to mirror). You and Ryan are still friends, aren’t you?
GEORGE: Y…E…S.
AOIFE: I don’t want any trouble or childish bickering tonight, on MY special night…understand George.
GEORGE: Yes dear, everything will be just fine, trust me.
AOIFE: I bet you haven’t got the slightest clue about how much trouble I’ve gone to have you?
GEORGE: No dear.
AOIFE: It is not easy finding time to make calls, organise caterers, shop, AND look this beautiful.
GEORGE: No dear I don’t know how you do it.
(AOIFE walks towards GEORGE)
AOIFE: You never did really tell me how Ryan responded to you getting that Chief Executive position over him.
GEORGE: Surprisingly well (Looks up), even shook my hand and congratulated me.
AOIFE: Really!
GEORGE: Yes, damn decent fellow that Ryan.
AOIFE: But he was forever going on about that promotion, remember you were telling me.
GEORGE: Poor Ryan.
AOIFE: How he was sure he was going to get it, (Half laugh) the plans he had for the company, what he was going to do with all the extra income and perks.
GEORGE: Was he dear?
AOIFE: Tara even had the impudence to ring me up and tell me that they were planning a Safari holiday.
GEORGE: Did she…the cheek?
AOIFE: I’m sure she only did it just to make me jealous, little did she know we’d already been on one.
(Both laugh)
GEORGE: No, no, I assure you, everything is fine at the office, tip-top.
AOIFE: I wish you’d tip-top up out of that seat and do something.
GEORGE: Do what dear?
AOIFE: Anything, ring the caterers…do something.
(GEORGE continues reading paper; AOIFE walks back to table, and around it)
AOIFE: (Talking to herself) Ethan will sit here…Tara and Ryan here…me here of course…and YOU bone-idle here.
GEORGE: Whatever you wish dear, I’m leaving it all in your capable hands.
AOIFE: You’ve no choice.
GEORGE: Quite right dear.
(AOIFE starts walking around room, thinking)
Silence.
AOIFE: Are you completely sure everything’s fine between you two?
GEORGE: Positive, relax dear.
AOIFE: He was so sure he would get it.
GEORGE: I know, but as they say, the best man won.
AOIFE: Indeed YOU DID.
GEORGE: (Looks up) By the way what did you spend my bonus on?
AOIFE: Oh some mediocre health spa in Ballyside.
GEORGE: What, all €10,000 of it?
AOIFE: Of course, and one or two other things as well. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t be going back there again in a hurry.
(Thank God for that) -GEORGE
AOIFE: Didn’t take too much to the clientele, a lot of tans from England I think.
(Tans in for a tan, how novel) -GEORGE
(Doorbell rings)
AOIFE: Good, good the caterers are here, quick, quick on your feet George; make haste (AOIFE clapping her hands).
(GEORGE acts like a dog whilst walking towards door; tongue hanging out, hands up in the air)
AOIFE: None of your Tom Foolery tonight, you hear?
GEORGE: Yes dear.
(Exit GEORGE)
(AOIFE rushes to mirror, fiddles with hair, starts humming/
singing)
Silence.
(GEORGE and WAN HUNG LO (WHL) enter chatting)
AOIFE: Who the hell are you?
GEORGE: I’m your husband dear.
(WAN HUNG LO bows)
AOIFE: No, no that fella behind you.
WHL: Me!
AOIFE: Yes you!
WHL: Me…me alone.
AOIFE: ALONE!
WHL: (Looking around/bowing) Yes.
AOIFE: No, no, your name, your name.
GEORGE: If I could interject dear, there appears to be a slight technical problem, we seem to have lost one of the caterers.
AOIFE: Lost one, what on the N6 or something?
WHL: Me friend sick, no come to party…ello…you like?
AOIFE: How dare he be sick on MY party night…this is just not good enough, I need at least two professional caterers for one of MY functions. I gave you two-week’s full notice and this is how they treat ME of all people. Down right inconsiderate, unacceptable! How dare they!
WHL: (Throws hands in the air) What I do?
AOIFE: You do plenty tonight…believe me! and you can be sure that I’ll be speaking directly to Stephano first thing tomorrow.
WHL: He go holiday.
(Oh dear don’t encourage her) – GEORGE
AOIFE: Are you deliberately trying to annoy me little man?
WHL: (Looks dumb) Velly good.
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO starts to take his shoes off)
AOIFE: No you bloody wont.
(WAN HUNG LO smiles, puts shoes back on)
(I wouldn’t smile if I was you) - GEORGE
AOIFE: I take it you have come with the specific menu that I’ve ordered haven’t you?
WHL: Yes, food, yes. (Nods head/smiles/bows)
(WAN HUNG LO looks around the room)
(Nice house, plenty of tips, me thinks) – WAN HUNG LO
AOIFE: And do not think you will be getting your little grubby hands on my prized possessions
(He’s not the only one) – GEORGE
AOIFE I will be watching you.
(WAN HUNG LO smiles/nods head)
AOIFE: Well go get the food man, go on, out (pointing) I am not waiting all evening.
(Pulls face.) (What awful dress she wear) – WAN HUNG LO
WHL: Yes, Yes (Nods head/smiles/bows, starts walking away)…ar…(Raises finger) need little helpie.
AOIFE: Helpie, the cheek, I’ll give you a damm good skellpie, if you don’t
bloody hurry up.
GEORGE: Calm down dear, calm down, and relax.
WHL: This first party me ever do.
AOIFE: THE FIRST!
(The last I think) - GEORGE
AOIFE: Just give him a hand and watch him George…got it?…watch him very carefully.
GEORGE: His name is “WAN HUNG LO”.
AOIFE: FOOD!
GEORGE: Yes dear.
(WAN HUNG LO nods/smiles/bows and exits with GEORGE)
(AOIFE walks around living room, checking drinks
cabinet, cutlery again. Deliberately stands in the middle of the living room)
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters first, stops, looks confused, carrying a very big covered platter)
AOIFE: (Shouts/pointing) That way man, that way.
(She no fun…I think she BIG trouble)- WAN HUNG LO
WHL: Velly good, velly good, you like?
(AOIFE raises hand as if to slap him)
(WAN HUNG LO exits)
(GEORGE enters with small covered platter)
GEORGE: Good God this is heavy…what on earth have you ordered dear?
AOIFE: (Points) Kitchen!
GEORGE: Yes dear
(GEORGE exits)
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters and exits very quickly)
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters with another large covered platter flying through room skidding, nearly drops platter)
WHL: Hottie, Hottie!
AOIFE: (Pointing to kitchen) Quickie, Quickie
(AOIFE goes to pour herself a drink. GEORGE enters)
GEORGE: I need to have a lie down dear, the weight!
AOIFE: (Pointing) Door!
GEORGE: (Wearily) Yes dear.
(GEORGE exits)
Silence.
(AOIFE still stood in middle of floor; GEORGE enters with even smaller platter, holding his back)
GEORGE: Only a few left dear…
(AOIFE ignores him)
…everything okee, dokee dear?
(AOIFE still ignores him)
(GEORGE exits. AOIFE drinking. Silence. GEORGE and WAN HUNG LO enter chatting laughing both exit)
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters with large platter looking worried and quickly exits. GEORGE enters with small platter and exits)
Silence.
(GEORGE enters)
GEORGE: I need to sit down dear, really I do. (Holding back) My backs in bits.
AOIFE: Let me get you a drink.
(GEORGE looks very surprised)
GEORGE: That would be nice dear and unusual.
AOIFE: Don’t be so cheeky…George. I’m not going to let that earlier escapade
annoy me, I won’t, not tonight…wine dear?
GEORGE: Yes please.
(GEORGE looks even more surprised AOIFE goes to drinks cabinet))
AOIFE: Now go and sit yourself down and we’ll have a
private drink to celebrate your promotion. One happy couple
GEORGE: Very thoughtful dear…are you well?
(AOIFE brings over full bottle of wine to coffee table, both sit down AOIFE pours)
AOIFE: Now since you mentioned thoughts.
(Oh dear) – GEORGE
AOIFE: I was thinking, just the other day, when I was fortunate enough to be walking past “Continental Exclusive Travels”
(That’s in the next parish) – GEORGE
GEORGE: Were you dear? (Takes quick sip)
AOIFE: When I was labouring with those heavy shopping bags.
(GUCCHI or ARMANI) -GEORGE
AOIFE: And I just happened to notice a spectacular European cruise holiday
ON OFFER.
(GEORGE takes a big sip)
GEORGE: How fortunate dear.
AOIFE: Yes, and you’ll never believe what a stroke of good fortune was displayed in the window.
(Shop closed for lunch) – GEORGE
GEOFGE: No dear but I’m sure you will tell me.
AOIFE: An offer just too good to miss…for both of us.
GEORGE: Too good for the both of us dear?
AOIFE: You know I’ve always wanted to go on one, you know that don’t you? and you have promised.
GEORGE: Did I dear? (GEORGE takes a big sip)
AOIFE: Yes you did and well you know. I have been very patient. It’s just something I’ve always wanted.
(You’ve always wanted a lot of things) -GEORGE
GEORGE: I thought we were just having a congratulations drink….my promotion remember?
AOIFE: Oh hickeldy, pickeldy, that old thing, now listen…
(It was great news a week ago) –GEORGE
(WAN HUNG LO enters/bows/walks round table/arranging cutlery AOIFE and GEORGE don’t see him)
AOIFE: Now all I have to do since I have all the brochures is just ring them up and book it, obviously I’ll have to purchase a new range of suitable attire, but that shouldn’t be a problem…
(GEORGE takes another big sip)
…those cruises can be very demanding on a ladies wardrobe.
GEORGE: Can they dear? To be honest I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get any time off.
AOIFE: Don’t worry about a thing, all is in hand. I’ll just have a little word with Ethan this evening…I’m sure he’ll understand.
GEORGE: (Anxious) No dear, please don’t, I can’t really be making any requests or demands in my new position and so soon, it wouldn’t be fair.
AOIFE: Don’t you worry, leave it with me (AOIFE pats GEORGE on shoulder)
I’ll sort it ALL out.
(My God the last time you sorted anything out properly Bertie Ahern was a schoolboy) -GEORGE
GEORGE: No dear please just leave it for tonight, please.
AOIFE: Can’t plans are already in motion…the thing is…
WHL: (Walks over, rubbing hands) Dinkies time now for me?
AOIFE: What the…(off-stage Church bells)…get the hell back into that kitchen
GEORGE: Aoife please are guests will be here shortly.
WHL: Solly solly, maybe dinkies later, if you like?
AOIFE: Out
(WHL exits)
AOIFE: Give me patience.
(AOIFE takes drink)
GEORGE: Everybody justs wants a nice quiet peaceful evening.
AOIFE And so do I…now where was I…yes…this delightful cruise sales from Rome to Athens, Barcelona and Cannes.
GEORGE: Does it dear?
AOIFE: Aboard the Expo Miracle
( I think I need one of them) –GEORGE
GEORGE: How much does it cost dear.
AOIFE: 3000 Dollars
GEORGE: 3000DOLLARS!
AOIFE: Per person
GEORGE: PER PERSON!
AOIFE: Well we want an ocean view now don’t we?
GEORGE: Do we?
AOIFE: Not stuck somewhere in a room in the interior.
GEORGE: No dear.
AOIFE: I was looking at the rooms with a balcony, but I thought better not.
GEORGE: (Wipes forehead) Thank God for that.
AOIFE: I won’t bore you with the details concerning airfares and taxes.
GEORGE: No dear.
AOIFE: It is the peak time.
GEORGE: Peak time indeed.
AOIFE: Imagine 12 glorious days.
GEORGE: 12!
AOIFE: I am really looking forward to all the on shore excursions we’ll have.
(I’m trying not to) -GEORGE
AOIFE: That on board experience, you just can’t beat it.
GEORGE: It’s not the only thing.
AOIFE: WHAT!
GEORGE: What’ll I bring?
AOIFE: Yourself of course and your wallet.
GEORGE: Thanks
AOIFE: I promise not to bother with the spa too much
GEORGE: Thank you dear
AOIFE: I was thinking of you you know.
GEORGE: Were you dear?
AOIFE: Yes there is a putting green on board
GEORGE: How thoughtful dear.
AOIFE: I won’t ask either for too many on board gifts.
GEORGE: No dear.
AOIFE: See your saving all ready
GEORGE: I am dear.
AOIFE: We will even have a private butler service…ooh it will be fun.
Silence.
AOIFE: Won’t it George?
GEORGE: Not the word I’d use dear.
AOIFE: WHAT!
GEORGE: It’s absurd…the price of housing these days, just look
AOIFE: We’ll stay on board the whole time, no need to book into any of them fancy hotels once we hit shore.
GEORGE: Quiet right dear.
AOIFE: I wonder if the captain will let me sit at his table?
GEORGE: Could do dear
AOIFE: What an adventure…
(Massive clatter, noise, banging in the kitchen)
GEORGE: I think you should venture into the kitchen.
AOIFE: What the…(off-stage; noise of Church bells) was that! I’m going to kill him!
(Oh no) – GEORGE
WHL: (Background) Ello solly, solly, mistake me, fix quick, fix quick, no like.
(AOIFE slams wine down on coffee table and storms off)
GEORGE: A cruise you said dear?
AOIFE: I’ll be back.
(GEORGE quickly drinks rest of his wine, pours another)
(Poor thing, he’s in for it) -GEORGE
(Doorbell rings)
GEORGE: Arrr…the guests.
(GEORGE exits)
Silence.
(AOIFE enters after 10 seconds looking totally dishevelled with tomato soup all over her yellow dress and hair)
AOIFE: (Screams) GEORGE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? COME HERE NOW!
(AOIFE looks around; starts wiping herself down, can hear voices, off-stage, quickly exits)
(GEORGE, TARA and RYAN enter chatting)
GEORGE: It’s nice to see you both…you’re looking marvellous as ever Tara.
TARA: Thank you.
GEORGE: Can I take your coats?
TARA: Yes please.
RYAN: (Gives GEORGE an evil stare)
(GEORGE takes coats and hangs them up)
GEORGE: Bad night out is it?
TARA: Bit chilly all right.
GEORGE: Please, please sit down.
(TARA and RYAN sit down on a couch)
(GEORGE goes to drinks cabinet)
GEORGE: Drink Tara?
TARA: No nothing for me.
GEORGE: Are you sure?
TARA: Well…just sparkling water then, thank you.
(TARA starts looking around her).
This is a delightful house. I see you’ve made a few improvements
George since we were last here.
GEORGE: Oh thank you…yes Aoife has spent quite a considerable amount of
time on one or two little decorative improvements.
(She probably just moved the coffee table around) – RYAN
TARA: Yes, I love those curtains, and that mahogany cabinet is divine, and
look Ryan, look at that exquisite fireplace.
(He can well afford it NOW) – RYAN angrily
RYAN: (Slow/deliberate) Yes, it’s all very (Looking around)…grand.
(GEORGE pouring drink)
TARA: It’s more than grand.
RYAN: Don’t push it.
GEORGE: Well one does ones best, don’t they.
(You certainly have, you…(off-stage; noise of church bells) - RYAN
GEORGE: Are you sure you don’t want anything alcoholic, Tara.
TARA: No, a sparkling water’s fine, thank you…I’m still in a bit of shock.
GEORGE: In shock…really?
TARA: Yes, you’ll never guess what happened on the way over.
GEORGE: You met Bin Laden?…no sorry! What happened?
TARA: I nearly knocked over some dotty old woman carrying a Tesco bag.
GEORGE: Really?
TARA: Yes, she was staggering and swaying all over the main road, came out
of nowhere she did, and if it wasn’t for Ryan here. I wouldn’t have seen her. I JUST MISSED HER BY INCHES. I think she could have been drunk.
GEORGE: Never!
(GEORGE walks over and hands drink to TARA)
TARA: Thanks George.
GEORGE: Drink Ryan?
RYAN: What do you have?
GEORGE Well…err…whisky or wine…cognac, spirits even champagne.
RYAN: Been celebrating have we?
TARA: Ryan please.
RYAN: Can of Heineken then I suppose.
GEORGE: They’re not chilled.
RYAN: It’ll do.
GEORGE Ok then.
(GEORGE heads back to drinks cabinet)
Strained Silence.
TARA: Yeah, I’m still shaking a bit, she gave me a right shock.
GEORGE: I bet she did, imagine that poor old woman out alone on a dark night, probably has sons and daughters somewhere; they just don’t care, do they these days?
TARA: That’s for sure.
GEORGE: God knows where that poor woman is now, hope she is all right.
(GEORGE returns with drink and hands it nervously to RYAN)
RYAN: Easy does it old boy.
(GEORGE sits down next to TARA)
GEORGE: Anyway cheers.
TARA: Yeah, cheers.
(All three take a drink)
Strained Silence.
RYAN: Where’s the misses by the way.
GEORGE: In the kitchen with WAN HUNG LO.
(TARA and RYAN look at each other puzzled)
TARA: Pardon!
(I won’t ask) – RYAN
GEORGE: Yes…slight technical problem with the caterers.
(RYAN half laugh)
TARA: Ah.
GEORGE: She’s in there sorting it out, no doubt with her usual diplomatic
decorum.
TARA: Maybe she needs a hand (Starts to stand up) I’ll just pop in and have a look.
RYAN: Grand idea.
GEORGE: (Panicking) No, no, no Tara, I’m sure she’s fine…sit there relax, enjoy your drink.
TARA: No I’d like to, I’ve been dying to see her for ages, and this new kitchen.
GEORGE: No need Tara, honestly, no need.
RYAN: Off you go then, no rush.
GEORGE: Please don’t!
TARA (Stands up) Won’t be long
RYAN: (Staring at GEORGE) Take…as…long…as…you…like.
(TARA exits)
Long Strained Silence.
GEORGE: (Starts to get up) Care for another?
RYAN: No!
GEORGE: We’ve loads of cans…(Starts to stand up) here let me get you another one.
RYAN: NO! (GEORGE sits back down) you stitched me up, didn’t you, good and proper?
(GEORGE drinks fast)
GEORGE: Me?
RYAN: Yes you, remember YOU said that the “Abbots Account” was in the bag…remember?
GEORGE: The Abbotts…a bag?
RYAN: The client that nobody else in the company’s history had managed to land.
GEORGE Me.
RYAN: That all I had to do was show their financial forecast for the next 5 years, their growth potential, new markets, overseas portfolio and assets to Ethan.
GEORGE: To Ethan?
RYAN: And then sign them up, as easy as that.
GEORGE: I said all that?
(GEORGE drinks faster)
RYAN: You know full well you did, you bollocks.
GEORGE: What day was this?
RYAN: It doesn’t matter what day it was.
GEORGE: I’m never very good on a Monday.
RYAN: That they were an excellent opportunity for outsourcing, and return on our investment, and that Ethan would be so impressed that he was bound to give me the promotion.
GEORGE: Promotion indeed.
RYAN: You didn’t even tell me that you were going for promotion.
GEORGE: Didn’t I?
RYAN: Why didn’t you tell me that they were going into liquidation?
GEORGE: Liquidation…the Abbots! How unfortunate.
(GEORGE drinks faster)
RYAN: Your some machine George, you should never have got that promotion, you don’t deserve it… if it wasn’t for you…
GEORGE: It was all just a spot of luck really.
RYAN: (Attacking George) No it wasn’t, you made me look a right jackass at the Board Meeting, and purposely, in front of all our major investors.
GEORGE: Me? (Abruptly changes subject) I think I’ll just try that new wine Aoife bought, think she said it was in the kitchen.
(GEORGE gets up)
RYAN: Sit down.
(GEORGE sits back down)
GEORGE: I didn’t really want the job.
RYAN: You’re a liar.
GEORGE: LIAR! I can’t even lie straight in bed. It’s Aoife you see, very demanding.
RYAN: Bullshit.
(GEORGE finishes his drink and picks up AOIFES)
GEORGE: When Ethan came along and asked was I interested, I said I wasn’t, that you or Padraig would be better suited.
RYAN: And you expect me to believe that?
(GEORGE takes AOIFES drink)
GEORGE: Well…maybe not Padraig was it Connor?
RYAN: George…I will never forgive you for this, never, and we used to be such good pals.
GEORGE: (Starts singing) Old pals, new pals, you’re forgetting Aoife and her shopping malls.
RYAN: You know full well that I’m more innovative than you, have far more effective strategies and solutions for the company’s future…I mean you’re hardly renound for your brainstorming, now are you?
GEORGE: Ryan it’s just all one big misunderstanding.
RYAN: Misunderstanding me arse, you’re not worth a kettle of cats piss. It’s just the old boys network you and Ethan. Old school chums from your swanky boarding schools, with your silver spoons in your mouth
GEORGE: Did I mention what we’re having for dessert?
(Wish I knew myself)- GEORGE
RYAN: It’s not my fault I just went to an ordinary Secondary School. I had to work damm hard just to get to where I am now.
GEORGE: Ethan and me had many a fine chat about you, singing you praises.
RYAN: And when was this?
GEORGE: (Scratches head) Good question. You’re just taking it all the wrong way.
RYAN: No I’m bloody not. I want to buy all these nice things you have for Tara.
(GEORGE picks up Cappidimonte and hands it to RYAN)
GEORGE: Here take this I’m sure Aoife won’t miss it.
RYAN: Don’t be stupid; what I want is for you to resign (GEORGE puts down cappidimonte)
GEORGE: Resign me, not possible old boy…(Turns round) did you hear banging in the kitchen?
RYAN: No I didn’t and let me tell you this.
GEORGE: What more?
RYAN: I also…
(AOIFE and TARA enter)
GEORGE: (Stands up) Ahhh ladies, how refreshing to see you.
AOIFE: How many have you had?
GEORGE: Just a tipple dear, just a tipple, how’s ‘WAN HUNG LO’?
TARA: Nearly hanging, if I hadn’t walked in.
AOIFE: Now now Tara, don’t exaggerate, some people just need a little push, some constructive criticism.
(God help him and me) – GEORGE
AOIFE: Ryan, so wonderful to see you.
(AOIFE goes across to couch and kisses RYAN on the cheek)
RYAN: (Begrudgingly) And you…your looking well are you ill?
(RYAN sits down AOIFE goes across to GEORGE)
AOIFE: Another one I will have to keep my eye on.
GEORGE: (Sits down) You seemed to have changed your dress dear.
(What on earth, was the hideous creation she had on before?) – RYAN
AOIFE: Didn’t really care for the other one dear, not really my colour.
GEORGE: (Sarcastic) I thought it was lovely, matched you perfectly, you…
AOIFE: (Abruptly) DROP IT DEAR, DROP IT, WE’RE NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT MY DRESS…(Changes subject) I hope my very observant husband is taking care of you.
(He certainly has in more ways than one) – RYAN
(TARA goes to sit down)
RYAN: He certainly has.
GEORGE: Drink dear?
AOIFE: I have one on the table.
(AOIFE sits down on couch and picks up empty glass)
AOIFE: It seems to be empty.
GEORGE: Let me get you another.
AOIFE: Yes quickly.
(GEORGE goes to drinks cabinet)
Silence.
TARA: I never told you did I Aoife…slight upheaval earlier, nearly knocked down this old woman.
AOIFE: Really?
TARA: Yeah, she just rather staggered out in front of me; she was all over the place, and if it wasn’t for Ryan here.
RYAN: I spotted her Tesco’s bag.
TARA: I’d have probably knocked the poor thing over.
AOIFE: That sort of thing doesn’t help house prices around here you know, oh no. The old ones, they are charming, but can be a frightful burden.
(GEORGE walks back with his own drink and hands AOIFE a bottle of wine, she pours herself, GEORGE sits next to AOIFE; couch very squashed)
GEORGE: Tight ship this one.
RYAN: CAN PLEASE!
GEORGE: Of course...two perhaps?
(No reply from RYAN)
(GEORGE gets back up and goes to drinks cabinet)
RYAN: Major problems in the kitchen then Aoife?
AOIFE: No nothing too serious…you wouldn’t believe but “De Luvay Caterers” have sent us this most delightful little refugee.
GEORGE: Chinese man dear…non-national.
AOIFE: Charming chap, full of character…nice to see them working…he’ll be perfect NOW as my Chef de Partie.
TARA: You were slightly forceful with him Aoife.
AOIFE: No, no, not really, just guiding him in the right direction.
(I’ll ring his frigging neck if he cocks up again) – AOIFE
AOIFE: Yes, I feel we should give them all a chance, after all, they did come all the way over here…one must look after them, almost a duty really.
(GEORGE brings over drink, RYAN staring at him)
AOIFE: Why’s your hand shaking dear?
GEORGE: Nothing dear, nothing… those heavy plates from earlier, must be catching up on me.
(Its not the only thing) – RYAN
(GEORGE wearily sits next to AOIFE)
TARA: I didn’t quite see what that nice gentleman was cooking Aoife…anything nice on the menu this evening?
AOIFE: Of course…I chose the gold menu for this occasion…for hors d’oeuvres, we have a crown of galia melon filled with mango sorbet or a terrine of lobster and whisky, or soup if you prefer, then there’s either marinated ostrich…
GEORGE: Did well to catch him dear.
AOIFE (Ignores GEORGE)…in filo pastry with mint, garlic mozzarella AND spinach.
TARA: Ooh sounds lovely.
AOIFE: Or poached escalope of salmon in buerre blanc and basil sauce with a side salad with baby capers.
(It’s the only babies we’ll ever be having) – GEORGE
AOIFE: Of course, there’ll be seasonal fresh vegetables and roast potatoes, which I’m sure Hang Em High…
GEORGE: WAN HUNG LO dear, you like?
AOIFE: Is lavishly preparing as we speak.
TARA: I can almost smell it from here.
GEORGE: That’ll be the caterer Tara.
AOIFE: Then my piece de resistance, a symphony of passion…
(I wouldn’t mind some of that, now and again. Must be two years.) – GEORGE
AOIFE: …fruit deserts…mousse gateaux, or roast pineapple with coconut ice cream, or petit fours, if you wish.
(I bet it’s been a long time, since George has seen Aoife down on all fours) - RYAN
TARA: You have gone to a lot of trouble Aoife.
AOIFE: I know…well I do like to spoil my guests…I so know how to throw a good bash as the locals say.
RYAN: Have you ever been in the Blackwell Estate then Aoife?
AOIFE: You are still a rascal Ryan; I do not know how Tara puts up with you. I can see why you didn’t get that promotion.
(You …(off-stage; noise of church bells)) RYAN
AOIFE: And then to finish, we have coffee and mints.
TARA: It all sounds delightful, I can’t wait.
Long Strained Silence.
TARA: You should see Aoifes new kitchen Ryan?
RYAN: (Angry) Should I?
TARA: A new fridge, extraction system, marble work surfaces…absolutely fabulous.
AOIFE: Thank you Tara
TARA: And the cupboards.
AOIFE: Hand made Italian.
TARA: Even a new sink with a combi-oven.
AOIFE: The Porsche of ovens apparently.
RYAN: Is that so?
AOIFE: It’s a one-piece oven that roasts, bakes, boils and grills!
GEORGE: And you do ALL of these things dear?
AOIFE: Hardly!
Silence.
TARA: Have you had your hair done Aoife?
AOIFE: Oh…(Plays with hair) just a little bit of work here and there…a few extensions, upstlying and colourings.
TARA: Looks lovely.
AOIFE: Yes I find Monsieur Bellior at ‘Cloud Nines’’ to be fabulous.
(She lives on it) - RYAN
AOIFE: I spend the whole day there.
TARA: Really!
AOIFE: Sometimes days on end.
(I bet you do) – RYAN
TARA: How fortunate.
AOIFE: Yes one day I might have a facial, another a full body massage or waxing, whatever takes my fancy.
(Normally the life guards I’ve heard) - GEORGE
TARA: How divine.
AOIFE: Manicures, pedicures anything you want.
TARA: Ooohh I’d love to go.
AOIFE: I must bring you sometime, wonder why I never thought of it before?
(Probably thinking about yourself too much) –RYAN
AOIFE: Cellulite, body toning, sculpting, why there’s even plastic surgery.
TARA: My God!
(Not more expense) - GEORGE
AOIFE: Sun beds, steam rooms, and jacuzzis of course.
TARA: God it has everything.
AOIFE: They even do lash extensions if you like.
(I know what I’d like to lash) - RYAN
TARA: I like.
AOIFE: There’s eyebrow tinting and waxing also.
TARA: I’ll have to get membership.
AOIFE: (Laughs) Has Ryan capable means?
(Evil stare from RYAN)
AOIFE: It’s the kind of place I like to go to, to get away…you know…from all the troubles and burdens of life…
(RYAN coughs)
…there’s extensive personal grooming…
RYAN: Sounds like a lot of horse play to me.
AOIFE: The VIP treatment suite has just been refurbished.
TARA: I’m so jealous.
AOIFE: Consultants, spa therapists, private relaxation area, (Whispers) EVEN an outdoor hot tub.
TARA: An outdoor hot tub. (Slaps RYAN, Whispers) Why didn’t you get that promotion?
RYAN: Don’t you start.
TARA: Maybe I should join dear.
RYAN: Nothing wrong with the local pool.
AOIFE: I find I need such time on my own you know, to relax and rejuvenate to…
(Heavy banging/noise from kitchen in background)
(All look stunned)
(Sounds more like a building site than a kitchen) – RYAN
WHL: (Shouting in background)Hell, bloody, no good, no good, burnie.
AOIFE: I’m just popping into the kitchen, won’t be long.
(AOIFE goes to table, grabs a knife heads for kitchen, and exits)
GEORGE: You do that dear, now be very careful, we don’t want the guards calling around again now do we? Although we have enough food for them.
TARA: The guards?
GEORGE: Yes, slight misunderstanding at the Ladies Table Quiz Aoife held here …spot of cheating.
TARA: Really?
GEORGE: Yes Aoife’s barred for 2 years now, misses it frightfully.
GEORGE: More water Tara?
TARA: No, I’m fine thanks.
GEORGE: Err…drink…Ryan?
RYAN: Why not?
(GEORGE goes to drinks cabinet, returns with can, pours RYAN his drink, hand shaking)
RYAN: Steady at the helm George, OLD PAL.
GEORGE: (Laughs) Indeed, indeed. (Sits down next to TARA)
RYAN: Why don’t you pop in the kitchen again Tara, see if her ladyship wants a hand.
TARA: Don’t call her that.
GEORGE: It’s quite all-right…PLEASE STAY!
TARA: I want to talk to George, if that’s ok with you?
GEORGE: Fine by me, talk away, right here.
TARA: Aoife was kindly telling me earlier that you’re planning a holiday.
GEORGE: Good God news travels fast! It’s a mini break really, nothing special.
(I know what I’d like to break) - RYAN
TARA: A cruise she said.
RYAN: A cruise indeed!
GEORGE: There’s nothing finalised, it’s just another one of Aoife’s many ideas. One has to laugh don’t they?
RYAN: Do they?
(More heavy banging/ smashing/noise from kitchen)
TARA: Hope everything’s ok back there?
GEORGE: I’m sure Aoife is handling the whole international affair admirably.
(I know what I’d like to get my hands on) – RYAN
(God help the little chap) – GEORGE
(There’ll be nothing left to hang if Aoife gets her hands on him) - TARA.
GEORGE: Best thing for all of us, is to stay right here, no point in us getting involved, you know what she’s like, when she gets in one of her moods.
Strained Silence.
(More noise from kitchen)
GEORGE: Dreadful weather today didn’t you think?
TARA: You’d better venture in George.
GEORGE: Do I have to?
RYAN: Are you a man or a (Squeaks) mouse?
GEORGE: I think you could be right, only for WAN HUNG LO’s sake, mind you; if I am not back in five minutes, please feel free to ring the guards?
TARA: I will, and if that doesn’t work how does the army sound.
GEORGE: Marvellous.
(GEORGE gets up and exits)
Silence.
TARA: I’d hate to think what on earth is going on back there.
RYAN: I hope the meal is ruined.
TARA: RYAN! You said you were going to be good tonight.
RYAN: I suppose…well I can’t help it…and don’t think you’re joining that damm spa.
TARA: Please for me.
RYAN: We’ll see.
(TARA takes drink RYAN start looking around the room)
(RYAN picks up figurine)
RYAN: What’s this rubbish?
TARA: Looks nice.
RYAN: Probably bought it at a car boot sale.
TARA: (Half laugh) Doubt it…looks very expensive.
(RYAN puts down the figurine, looking around)
RYAN: I bet those paintings are as fake as Aoife.
TARA: RYAN!
RYAN: Well the carpets are as thick as she is.
TARA: Those curtains do look a funny colour.
(RYAN gets up and wanders around, walks to a mahogany cabinet and picks up a picture and looks at it)
RYAN: Wonder why they never had kids?
TARA: I bet Aoife would make a lovely mother.
RYAN: He’s probably firing blanks.
(TARA laughs)
(RYAN picks up more pictures)
TARA: Ryan put them pictures down and come back.
RYAN: There’s plenty of pictures of them, the odd couple, George doesn’t look very happy in any of them. Serves him right for marrying her.
TARA: RYAN!
(RYAN puts down pictures)
(RYAN pulls a few trophies out of cabinet)
:
RYAN: Look, he even has some trophies in here. Not for bravery, I bet.
TARA: RYAN!
RYAN: This is fishing one.
TARA: Ryan come back and sit down.
RYAN: Here’s a couple here for golf. He probably bought them.
:
TARA: Put them back.
RYAN: Ladies golf one here
TARA: Ryan please put them back.
RYAN: Another here for…
TARA: George will be back in a minute, please sit down.
RYAN: More golf ones here.
TARA: Ryan leave them alone, and come here.
RYAN: I think this ones for horse riding.
TARA: Ryan sit down.
RYAN: I suppose…Judas I’ll be back; and we don’t want to be listening to him talking shite all night about them
(RYAN puts back trophies and starts walking around the room)
RYAN: I’d love to have a place like this one-day.
TARA: We will, we will.
RYAN: Have one or two things up my sleeve.
TARA: Really what are they?
RYAN: Don’t worry them bollocks at work won’t get the better of me.
TARA: Tell me Ryan what is it?
RYAN: Plans are in motion don’t worry.
TARA: I am now…it’s not illegal is it?
RYAN: Well…not really.
TARA: Ryan I don’t want any more trouble. I was lucky to get you that job, if it wasn’t for Aoife…
RYAN: Sod Aoife I’ve worked my socks off at that place, with no thanks.
TARA: Where not doing that bad.
(RYAN walks back to TARA)
RYAN: It’s not enough.
TARA: Well I’m happy.
RYAN: But I want better for you Tara, much better.
TARA: Where happy aren’t we?
RYAN: Will be once my little venture works.
TARA: Not sure if I want to hear anymore.
(RYAN kisses TARA on head)
RYAN: Don’t worry all is in hand.
(RYAN sits down)
RYAN: (Looking down at coffee table) I bet he wishes his “tinky winky” were half as long as this coffee table.
TARA: I bet Aoife does as well.
(Both laugh)
RYAN: We’re not staying here ALL night are we?
TARA: No, no, I just wanted to see Aoife. We’ll go straight after dinner.
RYAN: We’d better…if we ever get to see it.
(GEORGE enters)
GEORGE: Everything seems to be running smoothly now, dinner I guarantee will be served shortly.
TARA: Great.
RYAN: GOOD!
(Doorbell rings)
GEORGE: Ah that must be Ethan.
RYAN: ETHAN! Didn’t know HE was coming.
GEORGE: Didn’t I tell you?
RYAN: NO YOU BLOODY DIDN’T!
GEORGE: Arr.
RYAN: You and that selective memory of yours.
GEORGE: Must dash!
(GEORGE exits)
TARA: Now Ryan please I don’t want any trouble, just a pleasant evening please, for me.
RYAN: In fairness… it feels like I’ve been set up.
TARA: Set up!…We’ll just have the meal, exchange a few pleasantries and go home, that’s it!
RYAN: If they start…
TARA: Ryan please.
RYAN: I suppose… it’s bad enough seeing those two in the office all day, never mind in my private time.
TARA: RYAN!
RYAN: One hour and that’s it, if we’ve finished our meal or not!
TARA: Ryan, don’t be silly and after all the trouble Aoife has gone to.
RYAN: Trouble me arse…I knew I shouldn’t have come, I knew it, it’s a total waste of time.
TARA: (Pleading) Ryan, for me, please.
RYAN: I might as well be washing my feet with my socks on.
TARA: Please Ryan.
RYAN: I am not happy about this Tara, I’m not.
TARA: I know.
RYAN: One hour, that’s it!
(RYAN takes a profound drink)
RYAN: You owe me.
(TARA gives RYAN a kiss)
(GEORGE and ETHAN enter talking and laughing)
ETHAN: Tara how nice to see you.
(He walks across to her)
TARA: And you.
(ETHAN gives her a kiss on the cheek)
GEORGE: And you know Ryan.
RYAN: Watch it!
ETHAN: Of course, RYAN.
RYAN: ETHAN.
GEORGE: May I take your coat?
ETHAN: Yes (ETHAN slips off coat, GEORGE hangs it up)
GEORGE: Drink Ethan?
ETHAN: Scotch please, Glenfiddich straight.
GEORGE: Glenfiddich it is…excellent choice, one of my favourites too.
(Grovelling git) – RYAN
(ETHAN sits down)
Strained Silence.
TARA: Shocking day today wasn’t it Ethan?
ETHAN: Yes
TARA: It’s supposed to be quite bad again tomorrow.
(GEORGE at drinks cabinet smiling)
ETHAN: Really?
TARA: Yeah, more rain again, and wind.
ETHAN: Is that a fact.
TARA: Hard to get anything done in the bad weather…you know, getting clothes dry and that.
ETHAN: Yes, it must be a problem.
Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO rushes into dining room/bowing)
WHL: Ello…lady boss, lady boss, she go crazy, me no like.
(Not again) – GEORGE
GEORGE: What is it this time?
WHL: (Frantically waving arms) Crazy, crazy, crazy.
(GEORGE walks over to ETHAN, gives him his drink)
ETHAN: Thank you.
GEORGE: Sorry about this folks, I’ll have to go in and rescue her, or WAN HUNG LO, I’m not sure.
ETHAN: Bravo George.
WHL: (Frantically waving arms) Come, come.
(GEORGE and WAN HUNG LO both do the sign of cross before they exit)
Strained Silence.
TARA: (Coughs) Delightful house, don’t you think Ethan?
ETHAN: Yes, marvellous, it looks very nice, my first time here.
TARA: Really, Ryan and I were just complimenting it earlier, saying how very decorative it looks.
RYAN: Well…they can well afford it, can’t they, especially NOW!
TARA: R…Y…A…N…Aoife was just going through the menu with us, sounds divine.
ETHAN: That’s good I’m famished.
TARA: Yes…there’s galia melon to start …
RYAN: (Quickly interrupts) Ethan, I’m extremely hacked off at George getting that promotion over me.
ETHAN: I know you are.
RYAN: You never gave me a chance to explain my position.
TARA: R…Y…A…N
RYAN: The thing is …
TARA: RYAN! this is neither the time nor the place.
ETHAN: Quite right Tara, quite right, we’ll discuss this tomorrow morning
first thing.
RYAN: Will we?
ETHAN: Yes in the office.
RYAN: GOOD!
Strained Silence.
All drinking.
(GEORGE enters room and places knife back on table.)
GEORGE: Everything seems to be hunky dory once again, back to normal.
TARA: Oh you’re so domineering George.
GEORGE: (Laughs) I can be at times.
(GEORGE comes over and sits next to ETHAN)
TARA: Aoife has been in that kitchen a hell of a long time George?
RYAN: It’s the original “Hells Kitchen” in there.
GEORGE: I know, to be honest with you…
RYAN: I wish you were.
GEORGE: I don’t think we will ever be seeing “WAN HUNG LO” at our next social event.
TARA: Oh dear.
ETHAN: Strange name.
RYAN: He’ll have certainly earned his money this evening.
GEORGE: Thankfully Aoife has released her hands from his neck; it could of all been very messy.
TARA: Really?
GEORGE: Only messing…I did however manage to recover the knife…best thing all round really.
ETHAN: My God, what’s been happening here…I should have come earlier.
(You shouldn’t have come at all) – RYAN
GEORGE: Nothing to worry about Ethan, nothing to worry about SIR.
Strained silence. All drinking.
ETHAN: You would not have believed it earlier, but I must have spent at least five minutes behind some elderly woman.
TARA: What…a bad driver?
ETHAN: No, some old lady walking along the main road, well I say walking, it was more swaying.
TARA: Was she carrying a Tesco bag?
ETHAN: Yes, that’s the one.
TARA: I know ALL about her, we met her on the way over too.
ETHAN: If she’s not careful, she could be in very serious trouble. She could have easily been knocked over.
TARA: Poor thing, you have to feel sorry for her.
GEORGE: I know its criminal, absolutely criminal.
Strained Silence.
(AOIFE enters)
AOIFE: Arrrr…Ethan you’ve arrived, how wonderful to see you. You never told me George.
RYAN: It’s that memory again!
(AOIFE goes over to kiss ETHAN on cheek, ETHAN stands up)
AOIFE: I’m so pleased to see you.
ETHAN: And you Aoife.
AOIFE: You’ll be pleased to know I’ve finally managed to organise everything, with little or no help from some people (looks at GEORGE).
GEORGE: Very good dear, I knew you could do it.
TARA: Well done Aoife, GOOD FOR YOU.
AOIFE: Please can we all bring our drinks and make our way over to this expensive table, which I laid out personally.
(The only thing she does lay) - RYAN
TARA: Great!
(All get up and walk over with drinks)
AOIFE: Now Ethan you sit here, Tara here, Ryan over there, and my newly promoted husband here (Laughing) here, sorry Ryan.
RYAN: (Angry) Right.
(Bitch) – RYAN
(All sit down)
AOIFE: ONE (Clicks fingers) WHATS YOUR NAME ENTER!
(WAN HUNG LO rushes in nodding)
AOIFE: BACK!…what did I tell you?
(WAN HUNG LO raises finger, nods head and exits)
AOIFE: He means well.
Strained Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters with notebook & pen/bows)
WHL: Ello food ready now, serve yes, madwoman, solly, madam, you like?
AOIFE: (To WHL) Of course, of course and be quick about it, you have kept us waiting long enough tonight.
WHL: Velly good (Bows head/smiles)…me take ordie now.
AOIFE: You are improving, excellent. I see my guiding influence has had some beneficial effect.
ETHAN: What’s on the menu Aoife?
WHL: Well, there’s …
AOIFE: (Interrupts quickly) For my hors d’oeuvres there’s either melon, a terrine of lobster and whisky or soup.
RYAN: (To WAN HUNG LO) What kind of soup is it?
WHL: Oh…ar…(Finger over mouth)…RED.
AOIFE: Oh, no.
(TARA giggles)
RYAN: Proper order, red it is then.
TARA: Yes, I’ll have soup as well please.
ETHAN: I’ll take the melon please.
(WAN HUNG LO writing all this down)
AOIFE: Tell him what it comes with.
WHL: Ar, yes…it comes with plate.
(All laugh)
AOIFE: No, no, no…it’s filled with mango sorbet.
WHL: M…A…N…G…O…E…S sorbie?
AOIFE: Charming chap, means well (AOIFE snarls at WAN HUNG LO)
ETHAN: Melon is fine, thank you.
GEORGE: Yes m…e…l…o…n for me too.
AOIFE: And I will have a melon too…got it!
WHL: Yes, me thinks.
AOIFE: So it is two soupie and three m…e…l…o…n.
WHL: Velly good, me go now and come back.
AOIFE: Very good, toodle pips.
WHL: Toodie pips…no, no, no pips today.
AOIFE: (Points angrily) GET OUT!
(WAN HUNG LO exits)
AOIFE: To be honest, I wouldn’t trust him to look after a houseplant…but I’m sure with my guidance he’ll be fine now.
ETHAN: It’s nice to see you giving these foreign nationals a chance with gainful employment.
AOIFE: My thoughts exactly Ethan. One does ones best, I always like to do my bit for the community, a Mother Theresa figure as it were. So how’s the job at the crèche going then Tara.
TARA: Fine thank you there wonderful kids, I love the job to bits. We’re getting new customers all the time.
AOIFE: That is good; it’s always nice to have some kind of pastime.
TARA: We do all kinds of things, like playing, painting, telling stories.
AOIFE: How fascinating.
TARA: Visit farms and zoos.
(Anything like this place) - RYAN
TARA: I did a night course in Developmental and Play Therapy since I seen you last seen you Aoife.
ETHAN: Did you Tara?
TARA: Yes I’ve passed and received my Certificate
RYAN: Some people round here could do with some therapy.
TARA: Education through play you see.
RYAN: This evening has been educational.
TARA: Oh it’s been such a long time since we had a good chat Aoife. We mustn’t leave it so long next time.
AOIFE: Well…since you started working.
TARA: I know but all the gossip, chitchats, and laughs we used to have.
AOIFE Why don’t you go part time at that crechie thingy.
TARA: Can’t really, we need both incomes.
RYAN: We do now anyway.
TARA: And I do love working with the kids.
AOIFE Well I have George. Are you still involved in your Voluntary Work?
TARA: Yeah with Bernardos most weekends and hols.
AOIFE And what exactly do you do again?
TARA: Help children who face poverty, abuse or neglect.
RYAN: Hey George she might do something for you.
TARA: Bearevment, substance abuses that kind of thing really.
ETHAN: How noble you must be very proud of her Ryan?
RYAN: I am.
AOIFE Well see how selfish you are…work, work, work
TARA: Sorry Aoife.
AOIFE If I did have time I would love to help.
TARA: As a matter of fact where having a Fundraiser at the end of the month.
AOIFE End of the month?
TARA: (Excited) Yeah hey Aoife all you have to do is stand on the High Street with a bucket…
AOIFE A bucket?
TARA: And collect donations.
AOIFE What on earth would I wear?
TARA: We provide pink T-shirts.
AOIFE Pink T-Shirts good god no, my image…no couldn’t possibly, I’m sure we are busy aren’t we George?
GEORGE: Are we dear?
RYAN Charity begins at home don’t they say.
AOIFE George can donate a tie.
RYAN: Not much charity round here then.
AOIFE I am sure Ryan can help, the Companies barely uses him as it is.
You… (off-stage church bells) - RYAN
TARA: Where also in the process of organising a mini-marathon.
(RYAN bursts out laughing)
AOIFE Are you trying to embarrass me Tara?
Silence.
TARA Bumped into Yvonne Carter there last week.
AOIFE Did you?
TARA: Yeah she looks well?
AOIFE She always did, is she working?
TARA: No no woman of leisure.
RYAN: Another one.
AOIFE I am glad to see your doing so well Tara really, I am delighted for you.
TARA: Thanks Aoife.
Silence.
TARA: Might as well tell them now Ryan should we?
RYAN: No.
TARA: I’m pregnant?
AOIFE Oh Tara, really?
TARA: Yes for the last two months.
GEORGE: Oh congratulations Tara, many congratulations, do you know who the father is?
AOIFE Yes bravo Tara.
ETHAN This deserves a toast, well done Tara.
RYAN I did have a small part in it.
AOIFE: I bet it was small
(All laugh)
RYAN No chance of you ever being up the pole then Aoife?
AOIFE: (Ignores Ryan) Oh how fortunate we’re all here together enjoying each others company, in MY house, with a wonderful meal ahead of us, told you George I throw a good party now didn’t I.
GEORGE: You did dear several times. Drink dear to celebrate Tara’s good news?
AOIFE: Yes I’ll have another Red Bordeaux please…don’t care much for those German and Italian wines, not full bodied or fresh enough on the palate.
(GEORGE goes to drinks cabinet)
RYAN: Me arse.
AOIFE: A Chateau Lynch Moussas, Pauillic 64 please dear.
GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Only 64?
AOIFE: Excuse me!
(I wish I was) – RYAN
GEORGE: Coming right up.
AOIFE: I’ve taken wine classes you know Ethan.
ETHAN: Have you?
AOIFE: Just a couple of nights a week.
ETHAN: That’s interesting.
AOIFE: Yes one finds, when one tries different brands, there are remarkable differences in both the ripeness and crispness.
ETHAN: Is that so?
AOIFE: Some have much better structures than others, more zippy and youthful…
ETHAN: How fascinating.
AOIFE: I prefer a good length.
(So do I) - TARA
AOIFE: A long lingering finish, with richness and depth.
ETHAN: How intriguing.
AOIFE: I’ve a refined nose for these things you see…you need to look for full-bodied wines, with depth, acidity, and character that sort of thing…wines that almost ask permission to approach your taste buds.
RYAN: I think that wine appreciation a load of bollocks!
AOIFE: Probably the only thing you could find.
GEORGE: (Quickly) Ethan drink?
ETHAN: Another Scotch please.
GEORGE: Tara, Ryan?
TARA: No I’m fine, thank you.
GEORGE: Ryan.
TARA: He’s had enough.
RYAN: (Sarcastic) Do you have anything there that has weight and is luscious but not lush?
(TARA pokes RYAN)
AOIFE: I think you’re lushed. George get him a beer like all the other plebs.
(GEORGE brings over wine to Aoife and returns to drinks cabinet)
AOIFE: (AOIFE twirling around glass of wine) This wine you see, not only trembles but teases as well.
ETHAN: Does it really?
(AOIFE smells wine)
AOIFE: It has intense fruitiness and a toffy nose.
(She’s right there) - RYAN
AOIFE: It’s a very expressive wine.
(Expensive more like) – GEORGE
AOIFE: In that it’s balanced and yet very poised.
RYAN: Poised indeed.
AOIFE: (Smelling wine) The aromas are very tight-knit.
(Like your knickers) – GEORGE and RYAN.
AOIFE: But yet ready to unfold.
(Doubt it) – GEORGE and RYAN.
AOIFE: Can you see the layers of unfolding complexity Ethan?
ETHAN: (Leans forward) Not straight away, no.
RYAN: I can.
(AOIFE takes a gentle sip)
AOIFE: The sheer fragrance, nerve and breed of this wine is remarkable.
ETHAN: You certainly seem to know what you’re talking about.
AOIFE: Indeed I do, if there’s anything you need to know about wines just ask me.
ETHAN: I will.
RYAN: So will I.
(GEORGE returns with drinks, passes firstly to ETHAN then RYAN)
RYAN: I wonder if this beer has a good supple texture and intensity on the finish?
AOIFE: Philistine…oh and before we eat Tara, best explain to Ryan which cutlery we use first.
(TARA laughs)
(GEORGE sits down at table)
Strained Silence.
TARA: Did anyone see that holiday programme on the television last night?
AOIFE: Delighted you mentioned it… the one for holiday homes.
ETHAN: What time was that?
TARA: Se…
AOIFE: (Quickly interrupts) About seven thirty, there’s this lovely villa for sale in the village of Calviganc, France, it has five bedrooms and four bathrooms, ideal for my holiday home.
ETHAN: A holiday home?
AOIFE: Yes…and the view is exquisite, it has its own heated swimming pool tennis courts and vineyards.
ETHAN: Sounds perfect.
AOIFE: Yes one needs I feel, to expand ones outlets now and again, for the future of course.
GEORGE: Do we darling?
AOIFE: Yes we do…George and I have had quite a few discussions recently about our portfolio.
(Not about kids then) – RYAN
GEORGE: Have we darling?
AOIFE: I feel one should never limit oneself, there is always plenty of opportunities out there.
(Not in our company) – RYAN
ETHAN: Quite right, Aoife.
AOIFE: Things like holidays are also extremely important, don’t you think? A chance to keep ones pecker up.
(Chance would be a fine thing) – GEORGE
AOIFE: I would just like to ask Ethan.
GEORGE: AOIFE!
(WAN HUNG LO enters with hors d’oeuvres/bows)
WHL: (WAN HUNG LO rushes to the table). Ello oh, ah, plates, hot, hot.
AOIFE: Good God man, get a grip…no, no…over there for Ryan and Tara, where has all your training gone.
WHL: Training…me no go gym.
(Places soup next to RYAN and TARA)
WHL: (To TARA) Soupie nice, yes, you like.
TARA: Yes, very nice.
WHL: (To RYAN) Yes good yes, you like.
(Haven’t tried it yet) – RYAN
RYAN: (Nods head) Yes good yes.
(TARA and RYAN drink soup)
ETHAN: Where are you from old boy?
WHL: Boy, old?
ETHAN: China?
WHL: Yes, me from “Hohhot”.
(Hope this soup is hot) – RYAN
ETHAN: Where?
WHL: Hohhot, North China, near mountains, rivers, Mongolia.
ETHAN: I see.
WHL: No no no sea.
(WAN HUNG LO begins to exit bumps into AOIFE)
AOIFE: When is the next flight from Dublin?
RYAN: Now now Aoife, temper temper.
TARA: Ryan please.
WHL: Velly good, me go now.
(Hohhot with a bit of luck) – AOIFE
GEORGE: Don’t forget our M…E…L…O…N…I…E…S
(WAN HUNG LO nods/smiles/bows and exits)
(TARA and RYAN start drinking their soup)
ETHAN: I see the ISEQ was up ten points today.
GEORGE: Really!
ETHAN: Yes, the blue chip companies are starting to lose value. I’m also considering stretching my portfolio.
(I know what I’d like to stretch) – RYAN
ETHAN: Daly Investments look to have good potential. Must get on to my broker come to think of it.
AOIFE: We should invest a few Euros in them dear.
GEORGE: Could do.
AOIFE: I’m always looking for new investments.
(Don’t I know) – GEORGE
GEORGE: (To ETHAN) Any developments on the proposed Farell take-over bid.
ETHAN: No not yet.
RYAN: (To ETHAN) No chance of you losing your job then?
TARA: Gentlemen, no office talk tonight please.
RYAN: Oh yes, that’s all for tomorrow isn’t it?
ETHAN: That’s for sure, and for you information my dear boy, there is no chance of me losing my position.
(WAN HUNG LO enters/bows; hands dishes out to GEORGE and ETHAN)
WHL: Ello, two melodies, you like.
GEORGE: Thank you.
ETHAN: Thank you.
TARA: This soup is delicious Aoife; I’d love to know the recipe.
WHL: TO-MA-TOE!
AOIFE: And pray tell me where’s mine?
WHL: Nother melon…me have no more melon…(Throws hands in air).
all gone, no like.
(ETHAN and GEORGE eat melon)
AOIFE: ALL GONE! how on earth could they be all gone?
WHL: (Rubbing stomach) Me velly hungry today, no tea…too busy…party here.
AOIFE: You’ve eaten my melon?
WHL: Yes, velly nice, thanking you, all finny (Rubbing stomach)
AOIFE: But there were five full ones.
WHL: Me like melon…ies, no soupie left either, you spill earlier.
AOIFE: GET OUT…George double brandy NOW!
GEORGE: No wine dear?
AOIFE: DOUBLE BRANDY NOW…You still here? (To WAN HUNG LO)
WHL: Me make bread and butter if like.
AOIFE: (Pointing) GET OUT!
(You give tip later?) – WHL
(WAN HUNG LO leaves, GEORGE goes to make drink)
Strained Silence.
(GEORGE returns with drink)
AOIFE: (AOIFE takes big swig, talking to herself) He ate my melon…can you believe that?
(GEORGE sits down)
GEORGE: Heard in the office that you’re thinking about taking up golf Ethan.
ETHAN: Yes, I’m looking into it.
GEORGE: I used to play golf you know.
ETHAN: Did you?
GEORGE: Yeah, not a bad hand at it either…two handicap.
(I think I’m surrounded by handicaps) – RYAN
AOIFE: (Still shocked) He ate my melon.
GEORGE: The nineteenth is a great place for business, late night business especially.
ETHAN: (Laughing) Of course.
TARA: This soup is really, really nice.
RYAN: Would you like half of mine Aoife? I could spare you a little.
AOIFE: Don’t push it.
GEORGE: Do you want to see my golf trophies Ethan?
ETHAN: After dinner if I may.
GEORGE: Of course Ethan.
Strained Silence.
(WAN HUNG LO enters/bows)
WHL: Ello everything good.
AOIFE: GET BACK!
WHL: Velly good, madwoman, madam (Slaps side of head).
AOIFE: I suppose it’s lucky that I’m not that fond of melons.
GEORGE: It is dear, it is…anyway don’t worry, you can always look forward to the main course, which you’ve delightfully prepared with your own fair hands.
AOIFE: How many have you had?
Strained Silence.
AOIFE: Melon ok Ethan?
ETHAN: Yes lovely…was the mango sorbet optional?
AOIFE: Don’t tell me.
GEORGE: That’s right…he’s forgot the sorbet
AOIFE: Hang you…IN HERE NOW!
(WAN HUNG LO enters)
WHL: Prob…lem?
AOIFE: Where’s the mango sorbet?
WHL: (Looks up in the air/finger on mouth) Where mango sorbet?…(Confused) He guest madam?
AOIFE: (Lifts up knife) Knife at the ready.
GEORGE: M…A…N…G…O…S…S…O…R…B…I…E
WHL: Arr…sorbee…sorbee…sorbee… gone…cat eat.
AOIFE: WHAT?
WHL: Yes cat.
(I hope he hasn’t thrown Precious away) – GEORGE
AOIFE: YOU DID WHAT?
WHL: Big fat cat, he eat sorbie, me catch cat and shake, but no good he eat.
AOIFE: You shook precious?
WHL: (Nods head) And try to kick, but he too quick.
AOIFE: You tried to kick Precious?
WHL: Window open he jumps, (Puts hands up) knife misses him by this much, good knife too.
ETHAN: What on earth has been going on back there?
RYAN: Sounds like one of our Board meetings?
AOIFE: Been to many have we Ryan?…oh my nerves.
RYAN: Having problems this evening Aoife?
TARA: Ryan please.
WHL: Me leave now?
GEORGE: I think you’d better.
(WAN HUNG LO dashes out)
(AOIFE takes large drink)
Silence.
TARA: That was lovely Aoife thank you.
RYAN: Yeah great…I’ve left a bit for you.
ETHAN: Yes thank you.
GEORGE: I can recommend the melon dear.
(AOIFE takes another drink)
Silence.
AOIFE: EEJIT get in here…hurry up. EEJIT!
(WAN HUNG LO rushes in/bows)
WHL: You call?
AOIFE: Of course, did you not hear me?
(I think half of Westmeath heard you) – RYAN
WHL: Velly busy, velly busy.
AOIFE: Stop twittering and clean up these plates and bowls.
GEORGE: No trouble in cleaning yours dear.
AOIFE: (To GEORGE) You’ll be banished to your room if your not careful.
GEORGE: Sorry dear.
(WAN HUNG LO goes around the table)
ETHAN: Thank you.
RYAN: Thank you.
TARA: Thanks.
RYAN: Compliments to the chef.
(WAN HUNG LO bursts out laughing while carrying plates/bowls,
AOIFE raises hand to him, he stops laughing)
AOIFE: OUT! I’m sure I can feel one of my migraines coming on.
GEORGE: I wish you’d relax dear your getting far too agitated, a bit of food inside you will do you the world of good.
ETHAN: Yes, the main course should do the trick Aoife.
RYAN: You’re not really used to dealing with problems, are you Aoife?
AOIFE: Meaning? WAITER IN HERE NOW WITH PEN AND PAPER!
GEORGE: (Quickly) The footie was good last night wasn’t it.
ETHAN: Yes, three two I think.
GEORGE: United did well to get there.
ETHAN: I’m a city man myself.
(Maybe you should work in the city) – RYAN
(WAN HUNG LO enters quickly with notepad and pen)
TARA: You men and football, it’s all you think about.
(Not all) – RYAN/GEORGE/ETHAN
AOIFE: I’m… going… to…explain…to…my…guests…what’s …on…the…gold…menu…and…you…write…it…all…down…p-r-o-p-e-r-l-y…got…it?
(WAN HUNG LO nods head/bows, starts writing)
AOIFE: WAIT MAN WAIT!…Ethan which would you prefer the marinated ostrich in filo pastry with mint…
WHL: Ostrich?
AOIFE: Garlic, mozzarella and spinach or the poached escalope of salmon in buerre blanc and basil sauce with a charming salad and baby capers.
ETHAN: I’ll have the salmon if I may?
AOIFE: You may of course…Tara?
TARA: The ostrich please, never had ostrich before.
RYAN: Can I have the ostrich without the feathers?
AOIFE: So you two are for the ostrich…and you dear?
GEORGE: I will have the same as Ethan if I may?
(Grovelling git) – RYAN.
AOIFE: Excellent choices, I do hope you’ve got all that?
(WAN HUNG LO shakes head)
AOIFE: You’d better had.
(WAN HUNG LO throws hands in the air)
(AOIFE snatches pad)
AOIFE: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WHL: Me draw ostrich and fishy.
AOIFE: That does not look anything like an ostrich.
WHL: No madam.
AOIFE: I am writing all this down for you ok?
WHL: You like.
(AOIFE writing down orders, and hands pad to WHL)
AOIFE: Now get out.
(WHL exits muttering)
WHL: English reading no good.
GEORGE: Not eating dear?
AOIFE: No…I’m not in he mood.
GEORGE: After all the work you did.
AOIFE: Maybe a little desert later.
GEORGE: Well you could do with loosing a few pounds dear
RYAN: That spa not doing you much good then Aoife?
AOIFE: Shut up the both of you.
TARA: (Quickly) What are the neighbours around here like then Aoife?
AOIFE: Oh very nice, pleasant, you know, tend to keep to themselves.
GEORGE: Just as you like it, eh dear?
AOIFE: No, no the O’Connor’s are fine, and the Donnelly’s are ok, except for their pesky children.
TARA: Have you never thought of having children Aoife?
AOIFE: No, not really, although I think I’m dealing with one tonight…I just find them rather a troublesome lot; they do seem to need a lot of attention I heard.
(They’re not the only ones) –GEORGE
TARA And how’s your two boys doing Ethan?
ETHAN: Fine fine thank you.
TARA: How old are they now?
ETHAN: Well Charles is six and Oliver eight.
TARA: Oh such wonderful ages.
RYAN: Whatever happened to err…err…Fridget wasn’t it?
ETHAN: Bridget if you must know. She lives in France.
RYAN: What all the time.
ETHAN: Yes what of it?
TARA: So when do you see the kids?
ETHAN: Mainly school holidays and the summer.
TARA: That must be nice?
ETHAN: It is it is…miss them a lot.
RYAN: Never liked France.
TARA: We’ve never been Ryan.
RYAN: Still not going.
AOIFE: Me and George have been several times.
RYAN: I bet you have.
AOIFE: Oh George remember the time you proposed to me at the Eiffel Tower?
GEORGE: How could I forget?
AOIFE: Down on one knee he was.
GEORGE: Please don’t remind me.
AOIFE: (Laughing) And then you fell over.
GEORGE: You knocked me over.
AOIFE: No I did not.
(Heavy clatter of breaking plates in background)
(Everyone quickly hides under the table, except AOIFE.)
AOIFE: I’m going to kill him, definitely this time, no one stop me (Gets up).
GEORGE: (From under table) No, no sit down dear, please sit down…we have guests.
WHL: (Background) Ello solly, solly, panic no…din din two minutes.
(AOIFE takes another drink, and sits back down)
(Everyone slowly rises)
Strained Silence
ETHAN: (Quickly) Noticed your new car on the way in George, looks very nice (Looks smilingly at RYAN).
GEORGE: Yeah top of the range, sporty little number, handy really for Aoife when she goes on her many shopping sprees.
AOIFE: I only drive an automatic, pedals can be tiresome.
GEORGE: Yes I just bought it recently.
RYAN: Now there’s a coincidence.
AOIFE: Yes I find it very agile, high performance; it has cruise control and power steering.
ETHAN: Like mine then?
GEORGE: ABS, EBD and EBA.
(Does it have FU?) - RYAN
AOIFE: Yes it’s very dependable and versatile, a perfect partner for me.
ETHAN: A good choice then?
AOIFE: Marvellous, very spacious stitched leather seating, fabulous craftsmanship.
RYAN: I bet it has.
AOIFE: Well he likes to keep me happy…I can recommend the sound system in it Tara; it even has a TV in the back!
TARA: A telly?
AOIFE: With teletext.
RYAN: Sounds very expensive to me.
AOIFE: George takes great pleasure in spoiling me.
RYAN: I bet he does.
ETHAN: Technology is ones servant not master.
GEORGE: Well put Ethan.
AOIFE: It has a fabulous warranty cover and recovery service.
TARA: You’ll have no troubles with the car then Aoife?
AOIFE: Well I have had a few punctures, flat batteries, that sort of thing, and it’s broken down several times.
RYAN: Already!
AOIFE: I always forget to top it up…I can never remember if the damm thing is diesel or petrol.
TARA: (Laughing) Ooohh Aoife.
AOIFE: I even have to know one or two of the technicians.
GEORGE: Have you dear?
TARA: Very pleasant. Are they good with their hands?
RYAN: Bit of competition there George…I bet they don’t just examine the shock absorbers or suspension either.
TARA: Ryan please, don’t be so crude.
RYAN: Check your headlights as well, do they Aoife, see if they’re still working?
TARA: Ryan please.
RYAN: I ‘d hate to see you flying a plane.
AOIFE: A plane?
RYAN: You’d probably loose your black box.
TARA: Ryan please.
GEORGE: (Puzzled) Can’t remember the last time I seen a black box.
AOIFE: You’ll be in one if your not careful.
TARA: (Quickly adds) Have you had a chance to drive it yet George?
AOIFE: NO HE HASN’T! it is my car.
GEORGE: You want to see the supercharged headlight power wash Ethan.
ETHAN: It has one of those as well?
GEORGE: Yeah…Aoife let me read the brochure.
TARA: Ryan was thinking of getting a new car, weren’t you love.
RYAN: Thinking about it…
(I’ve done a lot of that this evening) – RYAN
AOIFE: Did you ever get your Lada serviced Ryan?
(All start laughing except RYAN)
Strained Silence.
GEORGE: It has large alloy wheels.
RYAN: Not like your willy then?
AOIFE: (Quickly) Still involved in the Vintage Car Society Ethan?
ETHAN: Oh yes, Honouree Chairman now.
AOIFE: Really…you never seize to surprise me…
RYAN Or me.
AOIFE: You are such an accomplished man.
GEORGE: Like me dear?
AOIFE: Do not push it.
TARA: Oh Aoife.
ETHAN: Yes I am driving a Singer 10/26 now.
(Think we’ll be singing for our dinner) – RYAN
(Wonder if I should start singing, might ease the tension) - GEORGE
ETHAN: Had a Vintage Car Rally a couple of months ago actually.
AOIFE George you never told me.
GEORGE You didn’t want to go.
AOIFE: YOU NEVER TOLD ME.
GEORGE: Them things are for old…
AOIFE: (Quickly interrupts) What make of car was it again Ethan.
ETHAN A Singer Tourer 1308.
AOIFE: Very nice.
ETHAN: It’s a really good day out, there’s the rally, tractor pulling heats, craft tents and barn dances.
RYAN: (Sings/American style) Yeee ha, take your partner by the hand…
AOIFE You did make the right decision over that promotion Ethan
You…(off-stage-Church bells) - RYAN
ETHAN: There’s also the best ladies and gents sections, best dressed in period costumes
(I bet it’s a long time since she had a period) - RYAN
AOIFE: Well you see if I’d have gone, there’d be no competition.
GEORGE: Should have kept the first dress on dear.
AOIFE: (AOIFE stares at GEORGE) I am looking at a vintage model now.
ETHAN: Thinking of getting the Company to sponsor the next show actually at Strand burrow.
RYAN: That’s nice of ya.
(More bangs, noise from the kitchen, everyone ducks under table, except AOIFE)
AOIFE: That is it, he has gone too far, he has to be killed (Gets up).
(All hide under table)
GEORGE: Quickly all grab your knives for God sake.
(All put hands on knives, except ETHAN)
ETHAN: Pardon!
RYAN: Be velly careful Mr Ethan, your in great danger.
TARA: (Slaps RYAN) Stop it.
RYAN: I couldn’t resist.
(AOIFE storms of to kitchen).
(All slowly get back up).
GEORGE: That was a close one.
(All take a large drink).
Strained Silence.
ETHAN: (Looking around) You do keep this place very neat and tidy.
GEORGE: Yes, good old Irene comes in three times a week, even though she’s got two bad hips, poor thing, she’s been waiting ages for an operation.
TARA: TWO!
GEORGE: Can’t really do as much as she used to. Aoife likes to keep her busy, though pays her buttons, so Irene says.
(I bet she does) – RYAN
ETHAN: Yeah, it really is a lovely place, you should be proud of her.
GEORGE: Who Irene or Aoife?
(All laugh)
GEORGE: Sometimes I am, but not tonight. I feel…she gets very tetchy you see, likes everything to be exactly perfect, bit of a stickler really.
(Bit of a …(off-stage; noise of church bells) more like) – RYAN
GEORGE: More drink anyone?
ETHAN: We’ll be drunk by nine!
GEORGE: That’s the idea.
ETHAN: Go on then…and that is my limit otherwise I’ll have to get a taxi home.
TARA: I’ll have another, thanks George.
GEORGE: Ryan, drink?
RYAN: Of course.
(Where’s that bloody dinner, I’m starving) – RYAN
GEORGE: Dinner hopefully should be served shortly.
RYAN: Not before time.
TARA: (Whispers) Thank you for being somewhat pleasant.
RYAN: It won’t last.
(GEORGE picks up glasses and goes to drinks cabinet)
(AOIFE and WAN HUNG LO enter with dishes)
AOIFE: Dinner is ready…hooray, and what a delight I’ve prepared for you.
WHL: (Smiles/nods) Ello din, din, servy, you like?
AOIFE: Get thee behind me…I shall serve the meats, (To WHL) and if you’re capable of dealing with the seasonal vegetables, that would be great, comprende?
WHL: Who?
(WAN HUNG LO stands there)
GEORGE: Drink dear?
AOIFE: NO can’t you see I’m busy?
GEORGE: Quiet right dear.
AOIFE: Now, marinated ostrich?
TARA: Yes please.
RYAN: And me.
(AOIFE serves TARA and RYAN)
AOIFE: Poached escalope of salmon in buerre blanc and basil sauce with salad?
ETHAN: That’s perfect, thank you Aoife.
GEORGE: And me dear.
(AOIFE serves ETHAN and GEORGE)
RYAN: Vegetables Aoife?
AOIFE: He’s behind me…(AOIFE turns to WHL) hurry up, hurry up!
(WAN HUNG LO starts to serve, AOIFE hands out more ostrich/salmon. GEORGE returns with drinks.)
TARA: (To WAN HUNG LO) I’ll have some carrots please…thank you.
(WAN HUNG LO serves TARA)
TARA: Just a few thank you.
(WAN HUNG LO drops some carrots on floor, quickly kicks under table)
WHL: (To RYAN) Callots?
RYAN: No, no green beans should do the job.
WHL: Greenie beans?
RYAN: Yes please.
(WAN HUNG LO serves RYAN drops some on floor)
WHL: (To TARA) Greenie beans?
TARA: Please.
(WAN HUNG LO serves TARA)
WHL (To ETHAN) Greenie beans or callots?
ETHAN: Green beans please…(WAN HUNG LO drops some green beans on the floor, quickly kicks under table)…arrrr the beans have fallen as well. You know, I am not really into vegetables, I’ll give them a miss thank you.
GEORGE: Spinach for me please, to give me strength…(WAN HUNG LO serves) that’s plenty thank you…even a bit extra, how thoughtful.
(AOIFE gives WAN HUNG LO an evil stare and shoves him the platter, then sits down)
WHL: (Quickly) Everything okee, dokee.
TARA
& RYAN: Yes, yes…fine thanks.
ETHAN: Fine thank you, you should really eat something Aoife
AOIFE: Maybe later.
(WAN HUNG LO just stands there smiling)
Silence.
AOIFE: (Looks around) Go get the roasties.
WHL: Rusty?
GEORGE: Yes please.
WHL: Rusty?
AOIFE: Potatoes man, potatoes.
GEORGE: Spuds.
WHL: Spuds as well…rusty potato spuds, you like?
AOIFE: (Pointing to kitchen) KITCHEN!
(WAN HUNG LO exits)
(All eating)
GEORGE: Did you hear about Flannery in accounts?
ETHAN: No what happened?
GEORGE: He only got that temp girl, Marie pregnant, hasn’t he?
ETHAN: Really!
GEORGE: Yeah…quick on the draw is our Flannery.
AOIFE: No need for that kind of idle tittle-tattle around my dinner table dear.
RYAN: He’ll probably get promotion then (looking at ETHAN) or a pay rise.
GEORGE: I think he’s been involved in enough R-I-S-I-N-G-S.
TARA: My God, pregnant! I thought he had a wife and three kids.
GEORGE: Four now, by the sounds of it…he’s up before the disciplinary board next week, too much sick leave.
RYAN: (Looking at GEORGE) I know what I’d like to put up against a board.
AOIFE: Your pay slip.
(All laugh except RYAN).
Silence.
RYAN: That promotion is a funny old thing isn’t it?
TARA: R…Y…A…N!
RYAN: There you are working all the hours God sends.
TARA: R…Y…A…N!
RYAN: Working late, weekends, meeting deadlines, dealing with staff, under constant pressure…and BOOM, all for nothing, worthless, useless…why bother eh (Throws hands in air).
ETHAN: Why indeed.?...listen here Ryan…if you’re not happy at the company, you can always find suitable employment elsewhere. I’m sure I can find it within myself to give you a glowing reference.
RYAN: I might just take you up on that wonderful offer dear Mr. Ethan.
ETHAN: Don’t push it Ryan, my patience will only stretch so far. I’ve come here for a relaxing evening, a lovely meal and pleasant company that’s all, certainly not to hear your grievances.
AOIFE: Quite right Ethan, quite right…it’s blatantly obviously, that you recognised George’s excellence, talent and commitment for this position…in fact I bet he’s a beacon to others in the company.
( Both GEORGE and RYAN cough)
ETHAN: Don’t know if I would go that far.
AOIFE: It is obvious; George has shown the ability to transform conceptional ideas into measurable achievements.
GEORGE: Have I dear, what day was that?
RYAN: I bet it wasn’t a bloody Monday.
TARA: Cool it Ryan, this isn’t the time or the place.
RYAN: Well you’re a fine one to talk, for the last week you’ve never shut up about the damm thing.
TARA: (Gritted teeth) Ryan please, not in public…wait until we get home.
RYAN: And what time will that be?
Strained Silence.
ETHAN: Ryan your position was reviewed and evaluated and as a result…
(WAN HUNG LO enters/bows)
AOIFE: Where on earth were you?
WHL: Me (Points to himself, nearly drops platter)…me go Jacks.
GEORGE: I hope he’s washed his hands dear.
AOIFE: Hands…show.
(AOIFE takes platter off him, puts on table and smells his hands)
AOIFE: Good you’re clean (Picks up and hands back platter)…now serve.
WHL: Rusties…rusties…no find spuds, potatoes…no find.
(WAN HUNG LO walks round table, AOIFE staring at him, starts to serve)
WHL: (To TARA) You like rusties?
TARA: Two please (WAN HUNG LO serves)…arrr three, how fortunate.
RYAN: Three (WAN HUNG LO serves)…or maybe two…four…how nice.
ETHAN: Two please (WAN HUNG LO serves)…two it is.
(WAN HUNG LO cowardly skips around AOIFE)
GEORGE: Just a couple for me, thank you…(WAN HUNG LO serves)…arrr a couple it is…good show old boy, there’s promise in you yet.
(WAN HUNG LO finished serving)
AOIFE: (Pointing to kitchen) OUT!
WHL: Bon-a-petty.
ETHAN: Ar…very good.
AOIFE: OUT!
(WAN HUNG LO exits)
(Silence whilst eating)
(AOIFE drinking alone at table)
(Why are these roasties so cold) – TARA
(Think I’ll become a vegetarian) – ETHAN
(What the hell is this?) – RYAN
(Thank God she’s not eating this) – GEORGE
AOIFE: Everything fine?
TARA: Lovely meal Aoife, utterly lovely.
ETHAN: Delightful Aoife…one of your best spreads ever, marvellous.
GEORGE: Very intriguing dear and novel taste to this dish.
AOIFE: Shut up! no one asked you.
GEORGE: Would you like one of your tablets dear?
AOIFE: Are you deliberately trying to embarrass me?
GEORGE: No dear…sorry dear.
AOIFE: Anybody care for extras?
RYAN,
TARA
and ETHAN: (Shaking heads/quickly) NO NO NO.
AOIFE: Enjoy…enjoy everyone.
(Silence whilst eating)
AOIFE: Isn’t the peace wonderful, a veritable utopia…here we all are sitting down to a lovely meal, pleasant company, drinks…arrrr conviviality…what more could anybody want?
(Silence)
(Doorbell rings)
AOIFE: Who the…(off-stage; noise of church bells) is that?
GEORGE: Language dear, language where in good company.
AOIFE: HANG HIGH, DOOR NOW!
(WAN HUNG LO rushes in/bows)
WHL: Ello me not know of all these people you say. Hang high…eejit…I tell you me no help…come on own.
AOIFE: (Pointing) DOOR! NOW! OPEN!
WHL: Velly good.
(WAN HUNG LO exits)
TARA: No Caroline tonight then Ethan?
ETHAN: No she’s away on holiday.
(It’s alright for some) – RYAN
TARA: That’s a shame, you must miss her?
ETHAN: I do, very much, and to be quite honest I’ve become very attached to her.
AOIFE: Yes, she is very attractive isn’t she? AND so young, must cost you an absolute fortune to keep her in the lifestyle that she’s become accustomed to?
ETHAN: (Wiping mouth with napkin) Just a few Euros…but she deserves it.
Strained Silence.
RYAN: Wasn’t she a lap dancer before you met her?
ETHAN: Yes, what of it?
RYAN: Well a man in your position. with so called high standards and morals, some might even say integrity to be dating a…
(WAN HUNG LO and EILEEN (with a stooped back) enter/head towards the table)
TARA: GOOD GOD, IT’S HER (Drops the knife and fork)…THE NUTTER!
AOIFE: OH NO, NOT NOW, WHY ME? (Falls back in chair and throws her arms in the air)
GEORGE: MOTHER!
AOIFE: Oh no not Eileen not tonight.
ETHAN: (Talking to himself) It is her isn’t it?
(GEORGE walks over)
GEORGE: Mother, where on earth have you been?
WHL: Nice lady, nice lady.
GEORGE: Have you been out wandering again? I have warned you about that, come here let me take your coat.
(What on earth is that smell) – RYAN
(Is this ostrich off) – TARA looking at meal.
(Did I stand on something on the way in) – ETHAN looking at shoes
(GEORGE takes his mothers coat and hangs it up, then goes and stands by EILEEN)
EILEEN: Stop fussing, stop fussing. I see you have guests…showing off again is she, lady muck?
GEORGE: Mother please come and sit down.
AOIFE: Yes mother.
EILEEN: I aint no mother of yours and don’t you forget it.
(She’s bent over like a question mark) - RYAN.
(EILEEN and WHL walk round table GEORGE sits down)
EILEEN: More slop I see, you lot are just like battery hens you’ll take anything…take away is it?
WHL: No no good good me cook.
EILEEN: Well I knew it wouldn’t be sourpuss here. You should see the crap she serves me, I’ve seen more meat on a thrushes ankle.
WHL: You like cat me go find.
AOIFE: Don’t you dare go near Precious…and YOU eat very well.
EILEEN: (Tuts) Dog food.
WHL: You like eating doggie as well?
(All coughing round table as EILEEN and WHL circle it)
(That smell would give a pig blisters) - RYAN.
EILEEN: You see there all coughing from the crap your serving them.
(WHL laughs)
AOIFE (To WHL) Don’t start.
EILEEN: Pure filth.
AOIFE: I will have you know I’ve gone to great expense this evening.
EILEEN: Makes a change.
WHL You like to sittee?
AOIFE: ( To WHL) KITCHEN NOW!
EILEEN: This kind gentleman is escorting me to the couch understand.
(WHL laughs)
(WHL escorts EILEEN to couch)
(All cough)
EILEEN: We’ll have to hurry up I can feel mi piles coming on.
(All cough)
(Both rush and sit down on couch)
EILEEN: I see you’re on that cheap wine again…(EILEEN hands WHL bottle of wine, and he starts drinking from it)
EILEEN: Go on that’s it fill your boots.
Silence.
EILEEN: (To WHL) So what’s your name then?
WHL: Wan Hung Lo
EILEEN: I knew this was going to be difficult.
WHL: Good wine me like.
EILEEN: Sourpuss has loads of it.
AOIFE: GET IN THAT KITCHEN NOW OR NO TIPPIE FOR YOU.
WHL: (To EILEEN) Me like tippie go now.
EILEEN: If you must
(WHL gets up and starts to leave with bottle)
AOIFE: BOTTLE BACK NOW!
(WHL nods and puts bottle back on table)
WHL: Dinkies later.
(WHL exits laughing)
EILEEN: Ooh I’ve had a terrible evening shaking all over I am, shaking like a jibbering wreck.
(You said it) – AOIFE
EILEEN: A woman of my years.
GEORGE: Shaking mother?
EILEEN: Yes shaking…there’s some damn road hogs out there tonight, in their bloody big, flashy cars,
(ETHAN and TARA cough)
EILEEN: They don’t care about us poor pensioners walking along, minding our own business, oh no, rush, rush, rush, that’s all they think about, and where they’re all rushing to I’ll never know.
GEORGE: Oh mother!
(EILEEN farts)
(She could do with one of those supercharged headlight powerwash) – RYAN
EILEEN: Nearly got killed twice tonight, I was, twice, can you believe that? They deserve a damn good hiding, wish your father were still alive, he’d show ‘em a thing or two.
(All at table look at each other)
AOIFE: Now Eileen, this is all very well and good (Stands up and starts walking over slowly) but don’t you think it’s a bit past your bedtime dear, you know you shouldn’t really be out, and you’ve had a very stressful evening, I’m sure you could do with a good nights rest.
EILEEN: GET BACK!
(AOIFE walks back and sits down)
GEORGE: Drink mother?
EILEEN: Certainly not that cheap plonk…a double whisky.
GEORGE: Any particular brand?
EILEEN: The usual.
GEORGE: Yes Mother.
Strained Silence
(EILEEN looking around, GEORGE making drink)
Strained Silence
EILEEN: I hope you lot are not talking about me over there.
ALL: (Shake heads) NO NO NO.
RYAN: Wouldn’t dare.
EILEEN: Good.
(GEORGE brings over drink)
GEORGE: Now mother, this’ll calm your nerves, you’ve had a terrible shock.
EILEEN: You’ve forgotten the bottle.
GEORGE: Mother!
EILEEN: Bottle!
GEORGE: Yes mother.
AOIFE: Do not George…please, do not encourage her. I have one nerve left and you’re on the end of it.
GEORGE: Have to, it’s mother.
(GEORGE goes back to drinks cabinet, brings over bottle, and places it on coffee table.)
GEORGE: Been doing some late night shopping, Mother?
EILEEN: No…don’t be silly.
(EILEEN takes a big drink from glass)
GEORGE: Let me just take that bag from you, it looks very heavy.
EILEEN: I wouldn’t if I was you.
GEORGE: Why mother? (GEORGE leans forward)
EILEEN: It’s my colostomy bag.
GEORGE: MOTHER! (Shoots back)
AOIFE: EILEEN!
ETHAN: GOOD GOD!
(RYAN and TARA start coughing)
EILEEN: Well for heavens sake, what do you expect, the other one split on me,
I had nothing else.
AOIFE EILEEN!
EILEEN: I told you both time after time that I should have went private, but would you two listen, oh no, trying to save a few euro no less, you and that wife of yours.
AOIFE: We do the best we can
EILEEN: With her fancy nick-knacks, big holidays and hair do’s, bloody skinflints the pair of ya.
AOIFE: I’ll have you know George has spent quite a considerable amount of money on you, money we can ill-afford.
(RYAN laughs)
EILEEN: The health service in this country is an absolute disgrace, queuing and waiting for days…they don’t care. I’m not young as I used to be you know.
GEORGE: Oh mother.
EILEEN: I told yer one over there just three days ago, to go out and get me some incontinence pads, but would she…would she heck.
AOIFE: I did go.
EILEEN: Liar.
AOIFE: I did.
EILEEN: Every time she goes she gets me the wrong bloody size.
AOIFE: Well… if you think I’m going to start measuring you…
EILEEN: All hours I’ve been out this evening, all hours looking for some…
(Takes a big drink)
…my bladders not what it used to be, oh no, let me tell you.
(Takes a big drink)
GEORGE: (Sympathetic) Mother.
EILEEN: Told you years ago you should have ditched funeral face, she’s only a snot.
AOIFE: EILEEN, STOP IT!
(EILEEN has a drink)
GEORGE: Spot of dinner mother?
EILEEN: (Looking down at colostomy bag) No it’s full already…
(All start coughing at table)
…no… I’ll just top this up, it might just do the trick.
(EILEEN pours herself a drink)
AOIFE: COME HERE GEORGE AT ONCE!
EILEEN: Ignore her son she’s a gob bigger than a clowns pocket.
GEORGE: Yes dear. (Rushes across)
AOIFE: I thought you said she was fast asleep in bed.
GEORGE: She was!
AOIFE: You did leave the TV on for her didn’t you?
GEORGE: I did I did.
AOIFE: Not the colour one?
GEORGE: No no.
AOIFE: Should of put her in a straight jacket.
EILEEN: I can hear you, you know…I didn’t take those sleeping tablets you gave me…I’m sure you’re trying to kill me.
GEORGE: MOTHER!
TARA: Oh you seem such a sweet thing.
EILEEN: I AM.
(AOIFE tuts)
TARA (Slow/deliberate) How…old…are you?
EILEEN (Slow/deliberate) I…am…sev…ty…four…if…you…must know.
TARA: And your still alive?
EILEEN: Hope so.
TARA: My mother passed away when I was young.
AOIFE: I know that Tara
TARA: Your lucky Georges is still alive.
AOIFE: Not tonight I feel.
(Can’t remember the last time I felt you) - GEORGE
EILEEN I keep telling her that, I won’t be here forever.
AOIFE: Please God.
EILEEN What’ll you do when I’m gone?
AOIFE: Celebrate.
ETHAN: AOIFE!
AOIFE: Well.
EILEEN (To AOIFE) You’re just stuck together with lazyness. I can always change my will you know, give it to Charity.
RYAN (Laughs) Yeah leave them with nothing.
AOIFE: (To guests) She’s not the brightest biscuit in the box. God help her.
EILEEN You’d better be nice to me, all it takes is one phone call to Amber and Casey’s.
AOIFE: Do not try to intimidate us.
GEORGE: I’m intimidated.
EILEEN I’ll do whatever I like and there’s nothing you can do about it.
AOIFE: We …
GEORGE: We dear.
AOIFE: We can always put you in a home claim senile dimension or something.
ETHAN Aoife please I never knew you were like this.
AOIFE: Sorry Ethan sorry…no mother whatever is best for you…I won’t read their brochures anymore.
EILEEN Do not call me mother. There’s no flies on that one and if there are their paying rent.
(Strained Silence)
EILEEN (Scratching leg) These bloody varicose veins are playing up again.
AOIFE: Mother where in good company.
EILEEN I’m sure my blood pressure isn’t what it should be. Doctors round here are no bloody good.
AOIFE: You should have been cartered of years ago.
EILEEN (Drinking heavily) I’m sure half them aren’t registered…far too much stress in my life far too much.
AOIFE: You receive the best medical attention anybody could possibly receive.
EILEEN Tablets are more bloody tablets. Might as well be throwing bread to a helicopter. (Belches) And my belching hasn’t improved, sends me dizzy.
AOIFE I know how she feels.
TARA Oh mother can I help?
EILEEN No no you sit there…if I could only get my hands on those whippersnappers from tonight.
(ETHAN/TARA/RYAN cough)
EILEEN Did I tell you my diahhrea has got worse George?
GEORGE: (Coughs) No mother, something you forgot.
EILEEN Well it has and oohh…my haemorrhoids?
(All cough)
EILEEN Always said this couch is dam uncomfortable (Lifts leg and big fart)…that’s better.
AOIFE: THAT IS IT, SHE WILL HAVE TO GO… IT IS EITHER HER OR ME GEORGE!
GEORGE: Darling!
AOIFE: Tell her! there’s a lovely home down…
EILEEN: Get rid of her once and for all son…she’d cause a row in a confession box that one.
AOIFE: GEORGE!
GEORGE: Just five minutes dear please, just give her five minutes, then she’ll go, I promise. I can’t leave her in this state.
AOIFE: You’ll pay for this.
GEORGE: Nothing new there then.
AOIFE: We will be going on that cruise, WON’T WE GEORGE?
(Another bloody holiday)- EILEEN
GEORGE: Yes, yes of course, whatever you want dear. Whatever you want.
EILEEN: Bloody fool.
GEORGE: Mother you’re not helping (Walks back across)
EILEEN: I think my bag needs changing…
(Theirs no way I’m changing that) – RYAN
GEORGE: Oh no.
EILEEN: It’s not easy you know carrying this bloody heavy bag around all day, although I do find that a Dunnes bag does tend to hold a lot more.
AOIFE: Our guests.
EILEEN: Guests, more snobs from the area is it?
GEORGE: Mother please!
RYAN: How often out of interest do you change your bag Eileen?
EILEEN: It’s not like the bins you know, the council don’t come around once a week and change it, I see you even have to pay for that now…
(You’ll pay when I get my hands on you tomorrow) – AOIFE
…a lady in my condition needs consideration, attention, looking after.
AOIFE: (Folds arms) Locking up more like.
RYAN: I have something for you to consider mother.
EILEEN: What a nice chap…what’s that then?
RYAN: Dunnes have a special offer on at the moment.
EILEEN: Really!
RYAN: Yeah, two bags for the price of one.
(TARA bursts out laughing)
ETHAN: R…Y…A…N!
EILEEN: You…(off-stage; noise of church bells)
GEORGE: MOTHER, LANGUAGE please, these are my working colleagues.
AOIFE: GEORGE!
ETHAN: (Quickly changes subject) Has anyone been to that new restaurant on Temple Street, Rivolatas, the Italian place?
GEORGE: No.
TARA: No.
ETHAN: Splendid place, it has authentic cuisine.
AOIFE: Really.
RYAN: Think we should of gone there.
TARA: Sounds nice.
ETHAN: Yes, I have been a few times entertaining clients.
RYAN: And which clients were these?
ETHAN: Canon and Philips.
RYAN: Wasn’t I supposed to be bringing them out for dinner?
GEORGE Oh no.
ETHAN: Well. I thought it best if I do, slightly out of your depth. Managed to seal the Pinters contract as well.
AOIFE: Did you Ethan well done.
ETHAN: Our Company is really on its way up.
GEORGE: Indeed we are.
(Strained Silence)
RYAN: Oh I forgot to tell you Ethan your cousin Austin called into the office two days ago.
ETHAN: Two days ago?
RYAN: Sorry forgot.
ETHAN: And what did he want?
RYAN: Oh, just to say thank you for covering his bail.
TARA RYAN!
RYAN: Wasn’t he in a spot of bother…what did he do again?
AOIFE We do not need to know all the details.
RYAN: Oh yeah that’s it, embezzlement.
ETHAN: Ryan please.
RYAN: Black sheep of the family is he?
ETHAN: NO!
RYAN: WHAT you have more?
GEORGE: Maybe we should have had chops tonight.
RYAN: Treasurer of Mallwick Holdings wasn’t he?
GEORGE: Apparently he was.
AOIFE: George do not interfere.
ETHAN: WHAT DID HE WANT?
RYAN: Now…what …did…he…want? Do our accounts I think (Laughs).
ETHAN: Do not be smart with me.
RYAN: I am and it’s got me nowhere.
GEORGE: How much did he embezzle?
AOIFE: Details are not important George, I am sure the whole situation was sorted out amicably.
RYAN: Wouldn’t trust him to look after a houseplant.
(TARA laughs)
EILEEN: (Shouts) George I thought you were packing your job in.
GEORGE: No mother, no…hush…no.
EILEEN: Well why did you waste your time in going to that interview last week then at Sistine, remember, last Thursday you saw Patrick, a close friend of your dear old father.
RYAN: (Laughing) That’s where you were last Thursday afternoon.
GEORGE: No mother, no, you’re mistaken.
ETHAN: GEORGE!
EILEEN: I may have one or two medical difficulties but amnesia is not one of them.
GEORGE: No mother, no, you’re mistaken, trust me.
EILEEN: Anyway I forgot to tell you, Patrick rang me other day.
(GEORGE rushes forward from table and picks up bottle.)
GEORGE: Top up mother.
EILEEN: You’re unsuitable apparently.
GEORGE: (Goes back to table and rushes round it collecting plates) Has everyone finished dinner…lovely wasn’t it…
EILEEN: Yeah you’d be crap at the job, well not in them exact words.
TARA: I…
GEORGE: I’ll just bring these plates in…thank you…thank you, she get’s very confused, deranged, time of the night I think. It must be those new tablets she’s on, I must have a word with Doctor Dermot tomorrow.
ETHAN: I think we should have a full and frank discussion in the morning George, don’t you?
GEORGE: Whatever you think best, Mr Ethan.
RYAN: Looks like we’ll both be in the office then, you gob-shite
EILEEN: So you’ll have to carry on with your poxy job as you call it.
GEORGE: MOTHER!
EILEEN: Out of interest is any of you here called Ethan?
GEORGE: Mother enough said…(To AOIFE) how was the meal?…sorry.
RYAN: (Pointing to ETHAN) Yeah this eejit.
EILEEN: Shall I tell you what he thinks of you Ethan?
(Silence)
EILEEN: Well
ETHAN: Of course.
GEORGE: MOTHER!
ETHAN I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW.
GEORGE: It’s the time of night the dark lights have a dreadful influence on her.
EILEEN: (Scratching head) What was it again?
GEORGE: It’s late mother.
EILEEN: WAST…ER that’s it.
GEORGE: No no adminis..trator you misheard.
ETHAN: I am the G.M
RYAN: (Singing) GM PM sounds like George is squeal…ing.
ETHAN: Anyway this is what I think of you lot (EILEEN lifts up leg and farts) Over the bar, a point for Westmeath.
(She’s off again)- TARA
(Should have a government health warning around here with dinner parties) – RYAN
(Better call out Dr Dermot) – ETHAN
(I’m going to kill her) – AOIFE
(No mother, no, spare me) – GEORGE
(Wonder if anyone heard me) - EILEEN
EILEEN: Don’t worry I’m just incontinent.
(I wish she was in another continent) - AOIFE
(WAN HUNG LO enters from kitchen/bows)
WHL: (Waving hands) Ello oooo…poowee poowee.
(GEORGE quickly hands all the plates WHL)
WHL: (Looking at EILEEN) Is goodie ladies good.
GEORGE: Not tonight unfortunately.
TARA: Not a good time.
WHL: Me helpie?
AOIFE: NO SKELPIE OUT NOW!
(WAN HUNG LO looks excitedly at all the left overs, rubs hands)
WHL: Goodie…plenty of food for days, for me wife and child.
(WAN HUNG LO exits smiling)
EILEEN: (Stands up) I need the jacks.
AOIFE: Not in this house.
(EILLEEN lifts up her bag and accidentally knocks over the figurine; breaking it)
EILEEN: Damn silly place to put a discounted vase.
GEORGE: Oh no!
AOIFE: MY CAPIDOMONTE! MY CAPIDOMONTE! THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT, SHE’S OUT, SHE’S OUT (Stands up)…OUT!
GEORGE: She has had a terrible scare dear; I just can’t cart her off to the extension.
AOIFE: It’s only around the bloody corner…I’ve had it up to here, get her out of my house NOW! MY FIGURINE…I’VE HAD THAT FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS…LADIES CAPTAIN!
EILEEN: You see, what I have to live with, no wonder my bags always full.
(ETHAN/TARA/RYAN coughs)
AOIFE: GEORGE!
EILEEN: I don’t know why on earth he ever married you, I warned him, I did, but would he listen.
AOIFE: We’ve listened to you long enough…bring yourself and that bag out of here.
EILEEN: But I’ve just got settled and such nice company.
(EILEEN makes farts again)
TARA: Can somebody please call an ambulance; I think my nose is on fire.
AOIFE: I am not telling you again, GET HER out of my house.
EILEEN: You see how she upsets me, no wonder my bowels can’t take it…
(Another fart)
EILEEN: …I knew I shouldn’t have had that garlic sauce earlier.
(WAN HUNG LO enters/bows)
WHL: Des-err-ties?
GEORGE: Not a good time.
WHL: For des-serties (Shakes head) we have no dess-erties…solly.
(WAN HUNG LO looks at AOIFE and exits quickly back to kitchen)
AOIFE: (Stands up) THAT IS IT!…I HAVE HAD ENOUGH ALL GO GO GO. NOW ALL OUT NOW!
GEORGE: But Aoife!
ETHAN: Aoife!
AOIFE: Out, out, out, everyone out, NOW, and bring that dithery old cow with you.
TARA: AOIFE!
AOIFE: OUT OUT OF MY HOUSE!
EILEEN: She’s gone berserk. (EILEEN gets up and heads towards exit, rushes back and grabs bottle)
(TARA/RYAN/ETHAN stand up)
TARA: (Says quickly) Thanks Aoife thanks.
RYAN: Yes it’s been a howl.
ETHAN: Most enlightening (Looking at GEORGE, has hands over face).
AOIFE: Quick, quick all out. (AOIFE shepherding them away).
EILEEN: She doesn’t know how to throw a good party anyway, hands off.
AOIFE: Go on, the lot of you, grab your coats and get out.
EILEEN: Everyone’s welcome back to my place if they like.
TARA/RYAN/ETHAN: (All shake their heads and grab coats quickly)
NO NO NO THANKS.
EILEEN: Suit yourself.
(WAN HUNG LO flies through room carrying suitcase/bowing)
WHL: No ello. me have nother dinner party. (Exits)
AOIFE: (Pointing at him) You’re fired!
TARA: (Quickly) Bye Aoife I’ll call you.
RYAN: (Quickly) That’ll do, bye old pall, take it handy mother.
ETHAN: (Quickly) Bye…see you in the morning George, first thing.
RYAN: (Quickly) And me.
(All exit)
AOIFE: (Storming off/exciting) You’re in the single room tonight, and we’re getting a divorce.
EILEEN: (Background) Hooray.
GEORGE: Yes dear.
EILEEN: (Comes back in) Any chance of you giving me a hand with this bag son.
GEORGE: Goodnight mother!
CURTAIN.
- SHOW FINISHED.
- ACTORS/ACTRESSES COME FORWARD BEFORE BOW.
(Thank God, that’s over) – GEORGE
(Any vacancies?) – RYAN
(Help!) – TARA
(Splendid audience) – ETHAN
(Anyone for dinner?) – AOIFE
(Velly good) – WAN HUNG LO
(Tesco’s bag anyone?) - EILEEN
- ALL BOW
- AUDIENCE CLAPPING.
THE END
© Copyright 2006 Michael P Dooner
March 8th 2006
11 Oakdale Baylough Athlone,Ireland.
All rights are reserved. No part of this Material may be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed,in any form, or by means without prior written permission from Michael P Dooner.
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