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New Success in Texas (or) Remember the AlamoI’ve waited a long time to write about my success story and the day sure didn’t get here too soon.I was prescribed Ativan after an employee went through an ugly divorce and used that excuse to pull a gun on me several times at work. After the dust settled, I woke up in the middle of the night with a severe panic attack. I called 911 and was in the ER having an EKG within 45 minutes. The doctor said my heart was fine and everything checked out in good order. He then asked if I had any traumatic occurrences lately and I told him of the ordeal at work. He then explained I had a “normal” panic attack and should see my regular doctor for follow-up and treatment. Is there such a thing as an “abnormal” panic attack?I called a local doctor the next day and when I went for the appointment he said this was normal and told me he had just the thing to get me right as rain. He said he had plenty of patients who took Ativan for many years, how safe the drug was and finally wrote me a prescription with 6 refills. That was in 1993. The Ativan felt great for the first week or so. I felt very normal and didn’t have any worries or stress factors at all. A few years went by and of course not knowing what was really taking place, I found another doctor who would gladly write new prescriptions as long as I wore my suit and smiled as I wrote the check….it was so easy without a hint of “you better be careful”.As the years passed and I was ready to get married, I noticed things were not as tight and glued together in my thinking and reactions as I used to be. I went to several doctors and asked them what I could do to quit. All were addiction specialists and told me they would write tapering prescriptions and I would be done in 7 weeks or less. Of course, not a single one worked and I finally thought I just wasn’t strong enough to quit. My fiancé thought I just liked the drug too much to stop. I bought into their notions that I just didn’t have the “right stuff” to make it happen.Fast forward to 2012: A marriage and then a divorce, and then as my heart was still breaking I made a choice to really dig into this benzo nightmare and learn everything I could to see if this was more than I had been told.I found the Ashton method on the internet and after a few months of research I began to look for a doctor who would allow me full control, one who would embrace the Ashton Method and let me do the tapering without a calendar held over my head. I had to go out of state, but I found one who let me stay in “control mode” while I tapered at my rate, not his.I started my taper in January of 2013 with enough knowledge that this time would be the last time. I had been switched to Clonazepam in 2005 and shortly afterwards had the VA fill my prescriptions in 2007 up to the last one filled in December of 2012.I did the Valium crossover in one day without any issues at all. I was on 80 milligrams of Valium daily and it started out very easily. Over the course of many months, I finally finished the taper on June 28th of 2014.I worked for myself up to about the 12 month of tapering and sure had lots of very ugly days but managed to pull enough energy to get things done. In the 14th month I was pretty much a home recluse, not talking to hardly anyone, barely able to go grocery shopping or even mow the yard. I felt about as useful as a second spare tire on a pickup truck.Every day I would research the internet looking for anything I could fit into my tapering life and found as many horror stories as I did anything positive about benzo tapering and withdrawal. I gained weight, felt no energy, felt very depressed and sometimes so angry I’d prefer the company of my pets over my friends and family…no one understood what I was going through…not even close.I finally got to a point where this was my deal and what anyone thought or said wasn’t my problem….I had enough problems to be concerned with and no longer was concerned if they got it or not.I had doubts right up to the bitter end. One day when I was at .1 milligram I felt like I could go a day without a dose…and I did. The next day I felt the same. Then I thought what the heck….lets go for another day. I was feeling pretty good considering, but I wasn’t ready to hoist the victory flag just yet.I wasn’t going to let myself think I was truly finished until I reached at least a week or so without a dose..It’s now been over a month and I’m in the healing phase which has its own challenges and mysterious ways, but compared to the time where I was 12 months ago, I can easily see and feel the real healing taking place. Healing isn’t that much fun, but it’s pretty great compared to tapering and waiting to finish.How many times did I read about others success’s.....A lot and then some. I rarely found anyone who was on benzo’s as long as I was. I think the best way to wrap up my story is to kind of sum up major things I did to stay on track along the way….so here goes.My doctor in Michigan wasn’t there for me except to write refills. He specialized in opiate addiction and I found out he wasn’t a resource of strength for me. After a while I at least accepted that I had the refills coming in without much stress of wondering if he’d stick it out.I didn’t have a support group and even though I knew about various sites, I just didn’t feel like talking about it too much…but when I did talk about the tapering, I went on and on till I got tired of hearing my own voice.After a few months I knew this was my deal and no one would really get it. I also found out that knowledge was my best friend. I read everything twice….I filtered out the crap and kept the things I knew were real and valuable.I did journal every day with my own spreadsheet I designed. I didn’t track everything I saw others were doing…like food, how much I slept, supplements, etc. I knew tracking my doses, what time and a basic “how I feel” was enough for me.I tried supplements and found out that the longer I got into the tapering the more my central nervous system was ultra-sensitive to anything I tried to add to my body. I can’t advise you one way or another on supplements, but I will say that my whole body was in a kind of shock and didn’t tolerate anything it wasn’t used to before I started to taper.I didn’t have a lot of physical symptoms I read others had. Sleep was either pretty good or not very good. Towards the end I realized my emotions were shot and very ragged, but I knew that was par for the course and even that would heal up in time.I got really tired of reading the same old stuff. Time heals everything…..you can do it too….you’ll get through this…blah, blah, blah. They were right; I just didn’t want to hear it because I wasn’t there yet.I kept telling myself I would do this or that when I reached a certain point in tapering. Hah! I didn’t exercise enough, I ate too much “feel good” food and sat around just waiting…and waiting…and waiting. I’m OK with that part since I felt whatever shape I was in would be correctable after I finished tapering….that part is true as I didn’t really fall apart as much as I thought I had while I was going through it.I really did this all by myself. I didn’t have a doctor to talk to and guide me. I had no family to lean on and no friends to hang out with (that I could tolerate or them me). I made mistakes and I learned from them very quickly and adjusted along the way. I kept as much pressure off myself as I could…hard to do but I seem to have managed…somehow.My best supporter was my pharmacist. He’s a really smart guy and knows his stuff about all kinds of drugs. I taught him a lot about benzo’s and he gained a lot of insight into tapering, withdrawals, the mis-information out there and so on. When I see him now he tells me I did something he’s never seen before….he tells me I’m Popeye and Superman rolled into one!I really didn’t want to make this a long story, but I don’t know how to make it short and cover enough bases to help someone going through this ordeal.I’m not going to give you a lot of speech talk with warm and fuzzy words and phrases. What this boils down to is you’ll either do this or you won’t. That’s how it was for me….yes or no. I don’t want to sound crass or callous, but as you get closer and closer to the finish line, you’ll see for yourself that everything you need to finish and heal is already within your power. However….without the correct tapering program and information, all the strength in the world won’t get you where you want to be….I had way too many failed attempts in the past with lots of wrong ways already traveled.I knew I had the strength to do this…I didn’t know I had this much patience to see it through to the end.I had very few windows as I tapered. I’m still healing up and pushing myself without creating any stress factors of this will happen or this will go away scenarios. I’ve learned how to adjust and keep moving forward. I’m sure I’ll have a different take when I reach a nicer place in healing…. as I should and will. Wrap it up! If you have a minimum of resources you’ll be just fine…..like me. If you have good resources, loving family and friends, you’ll be a hero in everyone’s eyes and thoughts.You may not feel like a hero, but trust me…you are! ................
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