Living with an Asperger's (AS) Partner

[Pages:110]Living with an Asperger's (AS) Partner

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Contents--

1. A Message About Client Comments 2. Introduction 3. 8 Things Every Neurotypical Woman Should Know About Her AS Partner's Brain 4. AS Diagnosis in Adults 5. Relationship Difficulties Due to Deficits in "Theory of Mind" 6. Meltdowns in Adults with AS 7. How to Get an Official Diagnosis 8. Understanding Neurotypical Women: Tips for AS Men 9. How to Tell an Adult They May Have AS 10. AS and Problems with Executive Function 11. Typical Adult Symptoms 12. The Downside of AS for Men 13. Sexuality Issues 14. Getting Your Reserved AS Man To Open Up 15. Dealing with Mr. Logical: Tips for Partners of AS Men 16. Dating Tips 17. Communication Problems: Help for AS Husbands 18. Being a Partner 19. The Prevalence of Avoidant Personality Disorder in Adults on the Autism

Spectrum 20. Living with AS 21. AS Men and Relationship Difficulties 22. AS Women and Relationship Difficulties 23. Helping Yourself Through Times of Depression 24. Dealing with Resentment 25. Relationship Strategies for AS Partners 26. Tips for Frustrated Neurotypical Wives 27. Love and Affection 28. Characteristics Women Find Attractive in AS Men 29. Characteristics Men Find Attractive in AS Women 30. AS Men and Emotions 31. The Male Aspie Brain vs. The Female NT Brain 32. Being a Parent 33. Parenting Strategies for AS Fathers 34. Parenting Strategies for AS Mothers 35. Strategies to Improve the Marriage 36. How to Deal with an AS Man 37. How to Deal with an AS Woman

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38. AS Men and Empathy 39. Fighting Fair with Your AS Partner 40. Commitment Phobia in Adults on the Autism Spectrum 41. How to Avoid Divorce 42. Treatment 43. Overcoming Self-Doubt in Relationships: Tips for Adults on the Autism Spectrum 44. Overcoming Feelings of Isolation in AS Relationships 45. Mood Swings in Adults on the Autism Spectrum 46. Conclusion 47. A Final Note

A Message About Client Comments--

Before we get started, I would like to talk briefly about why I am including client comments throughout this eBook.

I have been a therapist for many years now, working with many singles and married couples on the autism spectrum. In working with married couples in which one partner (usually the husband) had Asperger's (AS), I became astonished at the level of pure anger and resentment expressed by many neurotypical (i.e., non-Asperger's) wives. And their expressions of anger and resentment were not entirely without cause. Their stories are horrendous and heartbreaking. They were simply being honest regarding how they feel.

I debated long and hard as to whether or not I wanted to include some of my clients' comments, because it may set a negative tone throughout the reading. But rest assured, that it is not my intent. And not all the comments are of a negative nature.

Many neurotypical wives in a dissatisfying relationship with a man on the autism spectrum feel as though they are all alone, and that they are the only ones experiencing severe relationship difficulties associated with this disorder. So, I am going include some of their comments (without any identifying information) in an effort to assure you, the reader (if you are in the situation of being a neurotypical wife or partner), that you are indeed NOT alone! And believe me, I am only sharing a fraction of the comments that are in my possession. I will also include some comments from the men.

I should mention that many (not all) of these clients, after counseling with me, went on to mend their relationships, at least to the degree that they no longer were thinking about separation or divorce. Some were at the point of no return, but were able to

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divorce amicably and with integrity. And unfortunately, a few have divorced on very bitter terms, and still carry a significant amount of resentment toward their ex-husband even today.

Introduction--

Asperger's (AS), which is now referred to as "high-functioning autism," is a developmental disorder at the high end of the autism spectrum. Individuals with AS have difficulty with eye contact, gross motor coordination, and social interactions, yet they develop language normally. They tend to be very passionate about just one or two "special interests" and prefer discussing facts rather than talking about feelings or engaging in chit chat. They also have difficulty dealing with normal day to day activities (e.g., managing conflict, organizing time, coping with sensory overload in crowded and noisy places such as grocery stores and supermarkets, etc.).

Some people with AS can appear extremely shy, while others are very outgoing, sometimes to the point of violating others' personal space. This is due to the fact that these individuals often misinterpret social cues and have not mastered unspoken social rules.

"Honestly my AS hubby has issues, but marriage to my hubby has been very fulfilling. He may not be physically or emotionally available but he says he loves me in other ways. In his own ways, the world is not made up of ALL the same kinds of ppl *emotionally available*. And also what is it you want them to do? They can't just like a switch turn on emotions. We've been married 21 yrs and I don't expect things from my hubby that he just can't give. Because he just can't feel emotions, and he falls into his own depression because he doesn't know why or how he just can't feel, and he struggles himself with feeling like I need or want more, but Blaming him isn't the way to go about it, I find fulfillment in other things, we are best friends, we go on long rides on our harley, he buys me those stupid little things he knows I love *my favorite granola* he's always home and comes to bed every night, he shares his food with me and let's me steal drinks from his cup, he gives hugs on occasions and kisses. I find it horrible that anyone could blame someone who can't help who they are, because it's just who they are. And you either love them or you don't, you either stay or you leave. My wonderful hubby is the best part of me because he loves me out of the box."

There are many therapies available that help alleviate the symptoms of AS and develop social skills; however, there is no treatment or cure for the disorder in and of itself. Even though there is no cure, there are many good reasons one should consider seeking a

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diagnosis, particularly if he or she feels that the disorder has caused significant relationship problems or any other forms of distress.

If the individual suspects that he or she has AS, it is recommended that he or she acquire the services of a neurologist, therapist, or other professional whose expertise is in the area of autism spectrum disorders. These individuals will know what assessment tools are available for diagnosing AS. The diagnostic process will involve several tests that focus on personal developmental history, social and communication skills, and intelligence. Since other disorders share many of the symptoms associated with AS (e.g., social phobias, ADHD, anxiety, etc.), it's crucial to find a professional who is experienced in distinguishing between true AS and other disorders. In too many cases, the individual is misdiagnosed, which puts him or her on a treatment course that is not addressing the real issue.

The number of individuals with AS, like the diagnosis itself, is difficult to pin down. Anecdotal growth in their ranks and a growing online "Aspie" adult subculture (e.g., in chat rooms, advocacy groups, dating sites, etc.) suggests that we are starting to discover generations who have escaped a formal diagnosis. Since this disorder was not recognized until 1994, many professionals believe that diagnosticians are playing catchup with adult diagnoses.

On that note, it should be said from the outset that there should be nothing to be ashamed of by wondering if one has the disorder, or seeking a diagnosis and discovering that one does indeed have the disorder. As a therapist who has worked with children, teens, and adults on the autism spectrum, I can tell you from first-hand experience that there are most likely thousands of people walking around with AS, but have no idea that they are indeed on the spectrum. Unfortunately, these individuals struggle through life, but don't know why, nor do they have a name that is associated with the challenges and deficits that they have had to endure.

I hear from many neurotypical (non-AS) wives who have stated that their husbands (suspected of having AS) not only refuse to seek a diagnosis, but are in denial that there is even a possibility they fall on the spectrum.

8 Things Every Neurotypical Woman Should Know About Her AS Partner's Brain--

An AS man's brain varies tremendously over his life span, quickly contradicting the image of the emotionally-distant, self-absorbed "nerd" that circulates in mainstream

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consciousness. From his task-oriented personality to his "excessive" need for time alone, here's what women need to know about their partner's mind:

1. "Men with AS and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are non-committal," the refrain usually goes. But this may be one of the largest misconceptions about these men. The "fear of commitment" is most likely to occur before men hit 30. After that, most AS and HFA men focus mostly on providing for their families (of course, some have a harder time with commitment than others ? a problem that could be genetic).

2. "AS and HFA fathers don't really bond with their children." This is another myth. While many of these fathers may occasionally (and unintentionally) give the impression that they are not very interested in "bonding" or spending quality time with their kids (which is due to mind-blindness issues), most will tell you ? categorically ? that they love their kids more than anything or anyone else. They just have difficulty conveying that love in a meaningful way.

3. "AS and HFA men embrace chain of command." True! An unstable hierarchy can cause these men considerable anxiety. An established chain of command (such as that practiced by the military and many work places) gives them a sense of control in an otherwise chaotic world.

4. "AS and HFA men have no empathy and are more focused on solutions than feelings." Yes and no! While many studies suggest that females are more empathetic than males, this is not entirely true. The empathy system of the AS/HFA male brain DOES respond when someone is stressed or expressing a problem ? but the task-oriented, "fix-it" region quickly takes over. As a result, these men tend to be more concerned with fixing a problem than showing solidarity in feeling.

5. "AS and HFA men are hard-wired to check-out other women." Maybe. While often linked to aggression and hostility, testosterone is also the hormone of the libido. And ALL men (not just those on the autism spectrum) have six times the amount surging through their veins as women. Testosterone impairs the impulse-control region of the brain. While it has yet to be studied, this may explain why men ogle women as if on "auto-pilot." However, most AS and HFA men forget about the woman once she is out of their visual field.

6. "The AS/HFA man is immature for his age." Of course! He has a "developmental disorder" after all. This simply means he is emotionally and socially lagging behind his peers. But even "late-bloomers" develop a significant element of experience and wisdom over time.

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7. "Men with AS and HFA don't show their emotions." False. While women are usually considered the more emotional gender, infant boys are more emotionally reactive and expressive than infant girls. Adult men have slightly stronger emotional reactions, too ? BUT ONLY BEFORE THEY ARE AWARE OF THEIR FEELINGS. Once the emotion reaches consciousness, most men adopt a poker face. When young, males likely learn to hide emotions that culture considers "unmanly."

8. "AS and HFA men are vulnerable to loneliness and anxiety." Unfortunately, this is spot on. While loneliness, depression and anxiety can take a toll on everyone's health and brain, AS and HFA men seem particularly vulnerable. These males tend to "reach out" less than neurotypical males, which exacerbates the emotional problems and the toll it takes on their brains' social circuits. Living with women is particularly helpful for AS and HFA men. Men in stable relationships tend to be healthier, live longer, and have hormone levels that decrease anxiety. Having "time alone" to distress is also especially beneficial for men on the spectrum.

"I can only speak to my experience and my relationship with my soon to be ex-Aspie husband. I completely understand the frustration of NT wives. In my case, my marriage got worse and that is why I may be deciding to leave the marriage after 10 years. While there are many positive qualities that I enjoyed about my husband, the negatives completely overshadowed those positive qualities and it was no longer enough to keep me in the marriage. In my case, I entered into a marriage with my husband wanting us both to be in a partnership where we make sure that the other's person's needs are being met and continually working towards meeting those needs as we grow. In my relationship, I came to the realization that I met his needs, because I had to clean up a lot of problems, but he did not fulfill my needs...and maybe because it simply couldn't, not that he wouldn't. In the end, I decided for myself that this is not the type of marriage for me and I want a partnership, something I cannot get in my current relationship. There are others that would be happy in type of relationship. For my soon to be ex's sake, I hope that he finds that person. I firmly believe that while marriage is hard and will come with problems, I had to jump out the moment that I knew that the marriage was doomed for eternity."

Relationship Difficulties Due to Deficits in "Theory of Mind"--

No doubt, AS individuals will have to face the negative and/or positive consequences of their AS-related behavior. But, neurotypical partners and spouses need to understand the difference between (a) blatant, intentional disregard for others' feeling versus (b) difficulty empathizing.

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Empathy can be defined as understanding the emotional makeup of other people. It is a core component of emotional intelligence and helps us to develop deep levels of trust. Unfortunately, many adults with AS do not seem to resonate very well with the experiences of others. While they may understand others' circumstances, they may not have the necessary emotional response.

The "Aspies" (i.e., a person with AS) solitary lack of engagement with others may develop to some degree into what can be described as apparent selfishness. Your husband may seem narcissistically concerned only with his own needs. However, what is really going on has more to do with deficits in "theory of mind." Theory of mind involves the ability to attribute mental states to others, and to be able to describe what others may be feeling in a given situation.

Theory of mind is the capacity we have to understand mental states (e.g., feelings, desires, intentions, etc.). It's the way we imagine others' feelings or thoughts. Theory of mind enables us to understand that the behavior other people display is caused by their inner feelings, beliefs or intensions. We can predict some of those behaviors and anticipate them. Whatever goes on in the mind of others is not visible, so it will remain a "theory" we create for ourselves. However, most people on the autism spectrum lack this ability to "theorize."

What if one is unable to link the behavior of others to their inner feelings? Answer: the person can't understand or predict the behavior of others. How can the Aspie make sense of the behavior of others around him if he doesn't understand why others are feeling sad, angry, resentful, etc.? And to make matters worse, the person with AS can't link his own behavior to the feelings of others so he can be unable to anticipate or predict their response.

Sadly, the absence of the ability to understand what others think or feel is at the root of most difficulties people on the spectrum have in communication and social interaction. As one husband with AS stated, "Never knowing how my wife feels or why she reacts the way she does makes me feel stupid. I'm like a blind man that keeps running face first into the same wall over and over again."

This is a man who has given up on himself, as so many other autistic men have. If these men could "fix" their theory of mind deficits, most - if not all - would have done so long ago. Instead, they continue to be misunderstood and labeled insensitive, selfish, and uncaring. Oftentimes, the result is serious relationship difficulties or divorce.

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