Living with an Asperger's (AS) Partner

Living with an Asperger's (AS) Partner

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Contents--

1. A Message About Client Comments 2. Introduction 3. 8 Things Every Neurotypical Woman Should Know About Her AS Partner's Brain 4. AS Diagnosis in Adults 5. Relationship Difficulties Due to Deficits in "Theory of Mind" 6. Meltdowns in Adults with AS 7. How to Get an Official Diagnosis 8. Understanding Neurotypical Women: Tips for AS Men 9. How to Tell an Adult They May Have AS 10. AS and Problems with Executive Function 11. Typical Adult Symptoms 12. The Downside of AS for Men 13. Sexuality Issues 14. Getting Your Reserved AS Man To Open Up 15. Dealing with Mr. Logical: Tips for Partners of AS Men 16. Dating Tips 17. Communication Problems: Help for AS Husbands 18. Being a Partner 19. The Prevalence of Avoidant Personality Disorder in Adults on the Autism

Spectrum 20. Living with AS 21. AS Men and Relationship Difficulties 22. AS Women and Relationship Difficulties 23. Helping Yourself Through Times of Depression 24. Dealing with Resentment 25. Relationship Strategies for AS Partners 26. Tips for Frustrated Neurotypical Wives 27. Love and Affection 28. Characteristics Women Find Attractive in AS Men 29. Characteristics Men Find Attractive in AS Women 30. AS Men and Emotions 31. The Male Aspie Brain vs. The Female NT Brain 32. Being a Parent 33. Parenting Strategies for AS Fathers 34. Parenting Strategies for AS Mothers 35. Strategies to Improve the Marriage 36. How to Deal with an AS Man 37. How to Deal with an AS Woman

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38. AS Men and Empathy 39. Fighting Fair with Your AS Partner 40. Commitment Phobia in Adults on the Autism Spectrum 41. How to Avoid Divorce 42. Treatment 43. Overcoming Self-Doubt in Relationships: Tips for Adults on the Autism Spectrum 44. Overcoming Feelings of Isolation in AS Relationships 45. Mood Swings in Adults on the Autism Spectrum 46. Conclusion 47. A Final Note

A Message About Client Comments--

Before we get started, I would like to talk briefly about why I am including client comments throughout this eBook.

I have been a therapist for many years now, working with many singles and married couples on the autism spectrum. In working with married couples in which one partner (usually the husband) had Asperger's (AS), I became astonished at the level of pure anger and resentment expressed by many neurotypical (i.e., non-Asperger's) wives. And their expressions of anger and resentment were not entirely without cause. Their stories are horrendous and heartbreaking. They were simply being honest regarding how they feel.

I debated long and hard as to whether or not I wanted to include some of my clients' comments, because it may set a negative tone throughout the reading. But rest assured, that it is not my intent. And not all the comments are of a negative nature.

Many neurotypical wives in a dissatisfying relationship with a man on the autism spectrum feel as though they are all alone, and that they are the only ones experiencing severe relationship difficulties associated with this disorder. So, I am going include some of their comments (without any identifying information) in an effort to assure you, the reader (if you are in the situation of being a neurotypical wife or partner), that you are indeed NOT alone! And believe me, I am only sharing a fraction of the comments that are in my possession. I will also include some comments from the men.

I should mention that many (not all) of these clients, after counseling with me, went on to mend their relationships, at least to the degree that they no longer were thinking about separation or divorce. Some were at the point of no return, but were able to

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divorce amicably and with integrity. And unfortunately, a few have divorced on very bitter terms, and still carry a significant amount of resentment toward their ex-husband even today.

Introduction--

Asperger's (AS), which is now referred to as "high-functioning autism," is a developmental disorder at the high end of the autism spectrum. Individuals with AS have difficulty with eye contact, gross motor coordination, and social interactions, yet they develop language normally. They tend to be very passionate about just one or two "special interests" and prefer discussing facts rather than talking about feelings or engaging in chit chat. They also have difficulty dealing with normal day to day activities (e.g., managing conflict, organizing time, coping with sensory overload in crowded and noisy places such as grocery stores and supermarkets, etc.).

Some people with AS can appear extremely shy, while others are very outgoing, sometimes to the point of violating others' personal space. This is due to the fact that these individuals often misinterpret social cues and have not mastered unspoken social rules.

"Honestly my AS hubby has issues, but marriage to my hubby has been very fulfilling. He may not be physically or emotionally available but he says he loves me in other ways. In his own ways, the world is not made up of ALL the same kinds of ppl *emotionally available*. And also what is it you want them to do? They can't just like a switch turn on emotions. We've been married 21 yrs and I don't expect things from my hubby that he just can't give. Because he just can't feel emotions, and he falls into his own depression because he doesn't know why or how he just can't feel, and he struggles himself with feeling like I need or want more, but Blaming him isn't the way to go about it, I find fulfillment in other things, we are best friends, we go on long rides on our harley, he buys me those stupid little things he knows I love *my favorite granola* he's always home and comes to bed every night, he shares his food with me and let's me steal drinks from his cup, he gives hugs on occasions and kisses. I find it horrible that anyone could blame someone who can't help who they are, because it's just who they are. And you either love them or you don't, you either stay or you leave. My wonderful hubby is the best part of me because he loves me out of the box."

There are many therapies available that help alleviate the symptoms of AS and develop social skills; however, there is no treatment or cure for the disorder in and of itself. Even though there is no cure, there are many good reasons one should consider seeking a

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diagnosis, particularly if he or she feels that the disorder has caused significant relationship problems or any other forms of distress.

If the individual suspects that he or she has AS, it is recommended that he or she acquire the services of a neurologist, therapist, or other professional whose expertise is in the area of autism spectrum disorders. These individuals will know what assessment tools are available for diagnosing AS. The diagnostic process will involve several tests that focus on personal developmental history, social and communication skills, and intelligence. Since other disorders share many of the symptoms associated with AS (e.g., social phobias, ADHD, anxiety, etc.), it's crucial to find a professional who is experienced in distinguishing between true AS and other disorders. In too many cases, the individual is misdiagnosed, which puts him or her on a treatment course that is not addressing the real issue.

The number of individuals with AS, like the diagnosis itself, is difficult to pin down. Anecdotal growth in their ranks and a growing online "Aspie" adult subculture (e.g., in chat rooms, advocacy groups, dating sites, etc.) suggests that we are starting to discover generations who have escaped a formal diagnosis. Since this disorder was not recognized until 1994, many professionals believe that diagnosticians are playing catchup with adult diagnoses.

On that note, it should be said from the outset that there should be nothing to be ashamed of by wondering if one has the disorder, or seeking a diagnosis and discovering that one does indeed have the disorder. As a therapist who has worked with children, teens, and adults on the autism spectrum, I can tell you from first-hand experience that there are most likely thousands of people walking around with AS, but have no idea that they are indeed on the spectrum. Unfortunately, these individuals struggle through life, but don't know why, nor do they have a name that is associated with the challenges and deficits that they have had to endure.

I hear from many neurotypical (non-AS) wives who have stated that their husbands (suspected of having AS) not only refuse to seek a diagnosis, but are in denial that there is even a possibility they fall on the spectrum.

8 Things Every Neurotypical Woman Should Know About Her AS Partner's Brain--

An AS man's brain varies tremendously over his life span, quickly contradicting the image of the emotionally-distant, self-absorbed "nerd" that circulates in mainstream

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