Preemie Mom - Mother's Day.docx - NICU Helping Hands



Be Brave, NICU Mama. Mother’s Day is today. Everyone’s journey to becoming a mother is different: the short path, the long path, the detour, and the return trip ... I had dreams about what my life as a mom would look like. I would clearly have a chubby baby since both Ben and I were more than 8 pounds at birth. Make those chubby babies. Plural. Actually, I would have four, probably 2 boys and 2 girls. But I wasn’t going to let a baby “slow” our life down. We would just take them with us everywhere. And I most certainly wasn’t going to be “that mom” who made everyone wash their hands before they held the baby.We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with our first child. People would tell me, “Oh, it will feel more real when you hear their heartbeat” and “Oh, wait until you feel them kicking and punching so hard your shirt moves.” I loved hearing the baby’s heartbeat. However, I never got to feel moving more than a flutter and a few kicks. Ben actually only felt our baby kick once, but definitely not enough to move my shirt.Our sweet Ellie was born at 27 weeks 6 days gestation weighing 2 lbs. 7.5 oz. A good 6 pounds away from “chubby.” Our sweet Beckett was born three years later at an even earlier gestation. My 25 weeker, Beckett, weighed 2 lbs. 2.26 oz. at birth. Make those two preemies. Plural. One preemie girl, one preemie boy. Our lives were slowed down for 5 years. We took them nowhere with us. And I totally turned into a germaphobe mom. Everyone washed his or her hands. For 3 minutes. Up to their elbows. And then used hand sanitizer.My journey to motherhood included trauma, anxiety, stress, and days of unknowns, emotions and tears. Not once, but twice. My journey took the “return trip” so to speak. But amidst the past five years of the “survive and thrive” teeter-totter not only for my preemies, but also for me as their mom, I’ve learned some lessons along the road. 1. Sometimes motherhood isn’t pretty. It includes guilt, stress and grief, but It’s best to address. I felt, and still deal with the guilt that my body did not make it to full-term. But I’ve learned that guilt is not helpful and only thrusts you into a downward spiral of negativity, and then you are tempted to be of no service to anyone. Days in the NICU are stress-filled. Life is so fragile at this part of the journey. It’s is emotionally draining to feel such anxiety 88 days in a row, not knowing if the day was going to be a good or bad. Then you go home from the NICU. Feeding issues surface. You’re in the “world of germs” and you hate that you are on edge, waiting for the next ball to drop. I honestly have had to start to “retraining my brain” to remember what it’s like to rest and relax. In survival mode (think red alert mode) it’s so hard to escape the stress. But our brains actually need rest to restore. It’s imperative wherever you are in the NICU mom journey, to TRY and relax daily. Go for a slow walk. Lay your head back, close your eyes, and deep breathe to 10. It doesn’t have to be long, but it needs to be frequent.I learned that underneath the stress was the grief that I felt about my pregnancy. I missed out on the whole last trimester … for both kids. I grieved that I had days of denial when I didn’t even want to go to the NICU to face reality. I grieved that I really don’t remember their first months, even year at home because the stress of trying to get them to eat took over. I grieved the reality that my dreams and expectations were not met with my journey. I grieved the reality trying to address the Why. I am now trying to focus on the What. What happened? What am I feeling now? What did grief look like for me then, and have I truly processed it all? What good did I do each day for my kids? For me, it’s taken 5 years, and I think I finally feel like I’m out of “survival” mode. I think this may be why this lesson is hitting me hard. It’s time to address. I am addressing it. It’s not pretty. But I need to... it’s part of my motherhood journey to becoming the best mom I can to my kids who fought so hard for their lives. 2. NICU Mamas need other mamas. When your life turns upside down, it’s very easy to feel like you are the only one going through it. This is why NICU mamas NEED other NICU mamas. It’s like an insta-bond, which is such a beautiful blessing. Even though each preemie is different, it is so comforting to have someone to talk to that has insight into your world. Someone who can listen to you vent about complicated, unfair things. Someone who can offer you advice on how they navigated their journey trying to do mom things in a medical environment that felt so unnatural. Some of my preemie mama friends have become my closest friends. Trust me. They didn’t want to join the preemie mom club either, but they are a part of community that needs support and encouragement especially post-NICU. This is why I’ve started graduate NICU Mom CONNECT groups in both Fort Worth, and now in Topeka, Kansas. So if you’re a graduate mom, do me a favor and please reach out to a new NICU mom. It could be a part of your healing process too. NICU mamas need other mamas too. Even though relationships may have been put on pause with those mama friends who “had the normal experience,” they are still needed. Maybe you’re the only one in your circle of friends who had a preemie. Maybe they don’t fully “get” it. How would they? Maybe they complain about things that you honestly would have loved to experience. I’ve learned that I have to choose the greater joy that I’m thankful my friends didn’t have to go through what we did. And I may or may not kindly remind uncomfortable, last trimester mom that really those hard kicks are physical therapy developing their muscle tone, and the reason that she’s gaining more weight now is because that’s when baby gains all their weight too. ;) I’ve had to focus on the things that are similar in our experiences, rather than letting the differences divide us. It’s hard. I get it. I have had to choose to ask questions because often times they don’t know what to say. I ask my sweet friends if they can tell me when their baby is kicking (I mean doing physical therapy) in that last trimester. I choose to be amazed, and cheer them on to that uncomfortable full-term milestone. I know what a miracle it is to just get to that point. But you, just like them, are navigating a new normal of motherhood. NICU or no-NICU, I’ve learned to never belittle the journey. Plus, you may never know the entire story. The route may be different, but the destination is the same. Motherhood is a beautiful purpose. 3. Celebrate everything. I never knew that I would gain such a deep perspective becoming a preemie mom. The kind you don’t learn from a textbook. You see I got to see my miracles (yes both of them) grow and develop on the outside of the womb that last trimester. And even though it was SO hard to see them so tiny, fighting each day to breath, to digest food, to regulate their temperature in an isolette...do everything they “weren’t supposed to be doing yet,” it’s a perspective that I will forever have in my heart where I had to focus on positives in order to survive that rough, repeat trip. Through the tears, I celebrated when Ellie first cried days after birth, and when Beckett cried at birth. I celebrated when her one eye that was still fused shut, opened. I celebrated the first time I got to hold Ellie skin-to-skin, even though she only tolerated 6 minutes. I celebrated when I got to hold Beckett the first time, even though his whole body fit inside the top of my nighttime nursing bra. I celebrated when she tolerated her first feed and I celebrated when he finished his first bottle. I celebrated EVERY weight gain - every single ounce. I celebrated smears, poops and weighing pee filled diapers. I celebrated as the fewer and fewer wires were hooked up to my precious babies. I celebrated when I got home and could hold them as long as I wanted. I celebrated and still celebrate each developmental milestone they hit by shouting to the rooftops. I am so thankful for the insight that I have now, where I can look back and see that my good days did outweigh my bad. I am so thankful I now have the foresight to choose to see the perspective that really matters...to celebrate everything. Every day and every breath is such a gift. Every moment I get to be mom here on this earth to my sweet Ellie and Beckett is such a gift. Our premature births may have defined when and why I became a mother, but what I love most is what the journey has taught me about “being” that mama. And for that, I am forever blessed. Happy Mother’s Day to the bravest mamas I know. ................
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